When you feel unworthy

How to Let Go of Feeling Unworthy

Feelings of unworthiness can occur in anyone from time to time. If they linger, you can take steps to turn them around.

When you’re challenged by feelings of unworthiness, you may think you don’t deserve good grades, a job promotion, parental affection, or love from a partner.

While there are several potential causes of feeling undeserving, there are also several steps you can take to help you feel worthy and deserving.

It’s natural to go through periods of feeling unworthy of love or recognition. Most of the time, these sentiments are short-lived, but sometimes they can linger for different reasons.

Impostor syndrome

Impostor syndrome is a strong experience of self-doubt and feeling like a fraud, personally or professionally. Folks who live with impostor syndrome often credit success to luck and devalue their hard work and self-worth.

Past trauma

Research from 2019 found a link between childhood trauma, feeling unworthy, and developing depression as an adult.

Mental health conditions

Feelings of worthlessness can also be a symptom of mental health conditions like:

bipolar disorder
depression
generalized anxiety disorder
post-traumatic stress disorder

The National Institute of Mental Health states that feelings of guilt, worthlessness, or helplessness can be hallmarks of depression, especially if you experience these feelings every day for most of the day for 2 weeks or longer.

Not accepting your past decisions

Part of the human experience is complex reasoning and introspection. That means when we make a decision, we can review it and have satisfaction or regret over the past.

Not accepting your past decisions, even a string of mistakes, may color your views on yourself even long after the deeds are done.

Low self-esteem

Self-esteem is a measure of how you view your own qualities and characteristics.

Having a higher degree of self-esteem is associated with mental fitness and self-worth, whereas lower self-esteem is linked to feelings of worthlessness and lack of confidence.

Perfectionism

Perfectionism involves setting unrealistically high expectations for yourself and becoming dysregulated when you don’t meet the rigid standards you created. You may believe things are all or nothing, either praiseworthy or worthless.

Covert narcissism

Narcissism refers to a group of personality traits that include difficulty empathizing, grandiose ideas, and a need for praise.

On the outside, covert narcissism in particular can appear self-deprecating and sound like consistently expressing low self-esteem. This person may avoid situations that challenge a fragile sense of self-worth.

On the inside, someone with covert narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) may still believe they’re superior to others (in line with other NPD types) and thus avoid criticism at all costs.

Feeling unworthy can leave you unmotivated and can make self-care difficult.

Since these thoughts can have such a negative effect on your quality of life, it’s important to learn how to reclaim your self-worth and recognize what a deserving person you are.

1. Acknowledge your emotions

Instead of judging your emotions, you can make space for them. Being mindful of your feelings can help you lean into acceptance.

2. Have a plan

Sometimes penning down your intentions can help change a habit that doesn’t serve you. You could try making a loose plan with as much (or as little!) detail as you need.

It can involve specific strategies like talking aloud to yourself to interrupt negative thoughts of worthlessness when they arise.

3. Enlist help from your inner circle

Asking for help is one of the most important steps you can take.

Beyond listening, those who care about you may also be able to help lift your spirits and point out your hard work.

A therapist can be a solid addition to your inner circle as well. Here’s how to find the right one for you.

4. Commit to your best, and understand that changes day to day

A lot of things can influence what your best will look like each day, including factors beyond your control.

Committing to your best doesn’t mean perfection. Instead, it means doing what you can at the moment and accepting it will not always be flawless, and that it is OK. You are enough.

5. Perform a private talent show of your strengths

By acknowledging the things you know you can do well, it can help you know yourself better and send some more self-love your way.

There are many reasons you may feel unworthy, but you can take steps to help improve your feelings of self-worth.

Challenging negative thoughts, making a plan for handling your emotions, embracing your best in each day, and reaching out to others can all help you toward feeling self-validated.

How to Let Go of Feeling Unworthy

Feelings of unworthiness can occur in anyone from time to time. If they linger, you can take steps to turn them around.

When you’re challenged by feelings of unworthiness, you may think you don’t deserve good grades, a job promotion, parental affection, or love from a partner.

While there are several potential causes of feeling undeserving, there are also several steps you can take to help you feel worthy and deserving.

It’s natural to go through periods of feeling unworthy of love or recognition. Most of the time, these sentiments are short-lived, but sometimes they can linger for different reasons.

Impostor syndrome

Past trauma

Research from 2019 found a link between childhood trauma, feeling unworthy, and developing depression as an adult.

Mental health conditions

Feelings of worthlessness can also be a symptom of mental health conditions like:

bipolar disorder
depression
generalized anxiety disorder
post-traumatic stress disorder

Not accepting your past decisions

Part of the human experience is complex reasoning and introspection. That means when we make a decision, we can review it and have satisfaction or regret over the past.

Not accepting your past decisions, even a string of mistakes, may color your views on yourself even long after the deeds are done.

Low self-esteem

Self-esteem is a measure of how you view your own qualities and characteristics.

Having a higher degree of self-esteem is associated with mental fitness and self-worth, whereas lower self-esteem is linked to feelings of worthlessness and lack of confidence.

Perfectionism

Covert narcissism

Narcissism refers to a group of personality traits that include difficulty empathizing, grandiose ideas, and a need for praise.

On the inside, someone with covert narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) may still believe they’re superior to others (in line with other NPD types) and thus avoid criticism at all costs.

Feeling unworthy can leave you unmotivated and can make self-care difficult.

Since these thoughts can have such a negative effect on your quality of life, it’s important to learn how to reclaim your self-worth and recognize what a deserving person you are.

1. Acknowledge your emotions

Instead of judging your emotions, you can make space for them. Being mindful of your feelings can help you lean into acceptance.

2. Have a plan

Sometimes penning down your intentions can help change a habit that doesn’t serve you. You could try making a loose plan with as much (or as little!) detail as you need.

It can involve specific strategies like talking aloud to yourself to interrupt negative thoughts of worthlessness when they arise.

3. Enlist help from your inner circle

Asking for help is one of the most important steps you can take.

Beyond listening, those who care about you may also be able to help lift your spirits and point out your hard work.

A therapist can be a solid addition to your inner circle as well. Here’s how to find the right one for you.

4. Commit to your best, and understand that changes day to day

A lot of things can influence what your best will look like each day, including factors beyond your control.

Committing to your best doesn’t mean perfection. Instead, it means doing what you can at the moment and accepting it will not always be flawless, and that it is OK. You are enough.

5. Perform a private talent show of your strengths

By acknowledging the things you know you can do well, it can help you know yourself better and send some more self-love your way.

There are many reasons you may feel unworthy, but you can take steps to help improve your feelings of self-worth.

Challenging negative thoughts, making a plan for handling your emotions, embracing your best in each day, and reaching out to others can all help you toward feeling self-validated.

I feel unworthy of this life, all the time feeling that I am worse than others.

Asking for helpWrite your story

I'm asking for help. Already posted here. I beg you tell me how to be. I often think about....I don't even want to write that word! But not because I want it, I just don't have the strength to endure the pain. I don't know what's wrong with me. At first I thought it was teenage, it will pass. Well, I'm almost 20! I absolutely do not want to go out, it scares me what people say about me. I feel unworthy of this life, all the time feeling that I am worse than others. Rave! I can't even get a job, I'm so unlucky. I am studying on the sidelines. At least that's enough power. There is no personal life, and I don’t want to. What should I do?

Lost , age: 06/01/2012

Responses:

Hello Lost!
The only way out of this situation is to change yourself and not pay attention to what they say about you (or at least pay less attention to it) - otherwise you will not be happy among people. Of course it is very difficult to change yourself, but there is no other way. You can try to see a psychologist or a psychotherapist.
And better - turn to God - He always helps when it's hard.
I want you to find yourself!

Michael, age: 42 / 06/01/2012

Rethink everything. Just sit quietly, in silence, deal with your feelings.
I used to think about suicide too. I don’t know why it happened, but now I have practically stopped thinking about him. No, my life did not get better, I just got sick of the very thought of death. Maybe she thought about it too long, wished it too much, and then got sick ... But it took 5 years to stop committing suicide.
I don't know what to advise you. Look for friends on the internet (if you can't communicate in real life). You just register and keep a kind of virtual diary, post your thoughts, find friends, communicate.
And then, no one will help you in this delicate matter. That is, they can give you advice, throw in information for reflection, show the way to the true path. BUT only you yourself are able to force yourself to live without an obsession with suicide.
Look around. Maybe it's not about people, not about inferiority complex, but about YOU? If you loved yourself, believe me, no one would say anything about you and, in general, life would change for the better.
For example, I don't feel comfortable around people either. But when I know that I am beautiful, then all the inconvenience disappears somewhere. Maybe you should do the same? Buy yourself a couple of new dresses, put on your makeup and go for a walk in the park. And remember, it's all about you.
If you forced yourself to transform, then your whole world would immediately change.
Good luck to you.

Tina, age: 18/06/01/2012

Personal life is not a guy, it's your life, your attitude towards yourself, what do you live on if you don't work, look for the job that suits you. It is a myth that everyone is cheerful, sociable and constantly "light". People always say something, because talking about other people's problems means keeping silent about your own. Participation is not given to everyone, so you wrote about yourself, and you can already advise something, and so to judge a person who just passed silently, he washes just very well peacefully inside, and he is afraid to spill it. Forgive yourself for everything that doesn’t work, You have a strong character once you learn and that's good. Write here at least every day. Excuse me, but the name "lost" is what, who lost you? Forgive me for impudence, but I offer you something else, "bud" why? It tells both itself and others that you have not fallen in the fight against despondency, you are in the process of opening a flower, you are a "bud". You are the future flower, it's so cool, remember in the cartoon what you call the ship so it will float. You have a rich experience of overcoming, share here on the site with those who are waiting for your help. Good luck . Write, write, I will wait for your answers to others. Good luck.

Olga, age: 51 / 06/01/2012

Lost, maybe you should consult a psychologist, identify the cause of such self-doubt and fear of what people will think of you. The reason is most likely in your childhood. Think, analyze, maybe your parents showed little love for you? Maybe they somehow made you feel like an unworthy person, humiliated you? Or maybe not parents, but peers? Who inspired you with this idea that you are not worthy of this life? When you understand at what point in your life such thoughts began and what was the impetus for this, you will be able to work through this moment, now, as an adult, to understand that this is not true, everything that was then inspired to you. You are a worthy person. You MUST love yourself and expect the very best that Life has to offer. So do not be discouraged, but think and start the path of getting rid of fears and becoming a worthy person.
Good luck on your journey!

Wind, age: 27 / 06/01/2012

What do people say about you? You walk down the street, and they (every person!) Looks in your face and says something? you kill a healthy body. I don’t even know what could be worse. Devastation is in your head! Have you been looking for some literature on your problem?
It is imperative to go to church, because thoughts, bad thoughts, so to speak, are the devil fooling. He sits and presses presses. Until a person succumbs.
And in general, the desire to solve the problem by passing away is not normal. This is a property of an unhealthy psyche and emotional sphere.
You still need to accept yourself, without conditions! You have absolute disharmony with yourself and the world. You see something, it seems that social phobia is on your face, but the reason is simple. you lowered yourself so much, you have to dig. Look for moments in childhood that could have so much affected your self-esteem. If you can’t go to a psychotherapist, look for the literature yourself. There is a lot of it! The moderator does not leave the books that I recommend, but at least Carnegie can be left, huh? The section “how to stop worrying and start living.” There is a chapter “Find yourself and be remember that there is no other person like you." Well, everything is written very correctly. Read it, carry it through your head. Write notes to yourself and hang around the room, you just need to radically turn the course of your thoughts! Direct them along a different route that will lead you to EASY AND PEACE.

moon , age: 23 / 06/01/2012

Calm down.
Above all else, do what you love.
Further it will be seen. Maybe some more ambitious goals will appear, or maybe you will feel that there is a chance to know yourself better. .. ;) :)

Maria, age: 21 / 06/01/2012

Go to the temple) really, really. Go to the father and just tell me what's wrong with you. You know, sometimes feeling inferior to others is useful in order not to be proud and this is a useful skill, but you also need to know and love your worth. Here in the temple you will be helped. I am writing from my own experience. God help.

Love, age: 32 / 06/01/2012

The advice is this. Do only what you feel.
If the soul asks to talk to someone, pour out the soul - go ahead to the psychologist. If you avoid people, it's okay, you just have to ignore them. The most important rule is that all people are good, but only when at a distance. You can’t get a job - it’s okay, go, go stupidly and beat the brains of employers. One sent, the second sent, the third, and the fourth took. They have such a trick - you are young, you have no work experience, no education, etc. Pound their brains, for starters, at least where to get a job, you'll see, there will be money on hand (no matter how much), you will already have self-confidence that you can even buy a chocolate bar or cigarettes, and not ask your parents. Understand one simple truth - at 20 you can still fix what cannot be fixed at 30.
Is there no personal? And don’t, don’t chase, it will come by itself when the time comes for this and you need it. And just for show, sleeping with someone is stupid. But the most important thing is to FUCK YOUR HEAD with any things - fashion, style, photography, sports, music, study, finally. But just don’t ridicule yourself and don’t feel sorry ..... It is necessary that you just accidentally want to think at one moment what you are failed and it didn't work! When your head is filled with not these bad thoughts, believe me, everything starts to get better, you just won’t notice it right away .... And I’ll say this about people.
Believe me, even those who know you are somehow wrong - equally deep on you, you turned the corner - they forgot about you, they have their own life, their own problems. Try to live, you can always die, if it is written in fate. Good luck!

Sergey , age: 32 / 06/01/2012

Hello.
First: remember a very important thing: Everyone Worthy of Living!!!
Second: you are too fixated on yourself, the opinion of completely unfamiliar people is more important to you than your opinion to yourself ... almost all people are like that, no one thinks about others, everyone thinks what others will think about them ... forget about other people's opinions , make up your own opinion about yourself and write it down on paper, and then write what you don’t have yet, but what you want to have in you, start developing these qualities ... Finally start thinking about other people, for starters, for example , about those who are close to you, try to help them, but the main thing is not to impose yourself, you will start communicating with people, experience will appear, it will be easier to get a job ... In general, the need for communication is one of the strongest, therefore, due to its lack, you feel unhappy . .. The farther we are from people, the more unhappy we become ...
Third: at the expense of good luck and luck, they come only to those who really try with all their might to achieve their goals... Well done for learning... the main thing to know: Every person on Earth has EXACTLY WHAT HE WANTS AND NOTHING ELSE, and if you don't have something, it means you don't want it enough...
Work on yourself, happiness and good luck to you...

Pavel, age: 19/06/01/2012

But you're learning, that's good. I was also not hired at first, everything came with experience. After all, at least I got a job somewhere, talked, had interviews, read articles on this topic (you can search in Yandex how to get an interview. You can also contact your employment center. You can also look in Yandex where your employment center is located on They will help you with finding a job (there are not always bad places, and even if not very... You need to start somewhere) And they will help until you find + you will gain experience on how to present yourself better + free help is possible there psychologists who can raise your self-esteem, increase confidence, etc.

Maybe start going to church? For many people over the centuries, this has changed their lives for the better. In any case, this is your own business. I hope everything goes well for you and you don't give up. For example, my father married for the first and last time at the age of 37, if he had given up at 19 because of something, then now I would not be here and I would not write this to you. God bless you!

Rusik, age: 22/06/02/2012

Often you think about what you want your life to be, and that it could very well be. That's right, it's worth thinking about more often! ;))

Maria, age: 21/06/02/2012

Scared by what people say? And who is speaking? Family or strangers to you? You can listen to the words of relatives, but boldly do not pay attention to what strangers say. But you never know who is there and what he says! And who are the judges? I really like people who go their own way in life, not measuring their lives according to imposed patterns.
Someone left the city and went to the village to live, because he likes it so much, someone has ten children and they also point the finger at him, but he likes it so much, there are single people, everyone pities them, but they feel as good as they are ...
Be yourself. You deserve to live the way you are. You are precious and needed by God. By the way, it would be nice for you to contact him. Go to church, go to confession, pray at home.
But you lack self-confidence. Believe in yourself, in your strength, accept yourself as you are, start respecting yourself. You are studying in absentia - well done, maybe you can look for some work at home. And you still need to communicate with other people, now there are no problems with this, since there is the Internet. Open a topic here on the forum, or look for a community that is closer to you, just don't close yourself.

Nika, age: 06/29/2012

Hello! I'm about the same. There is just aggression. You're only 20. Don't worry too much. At this age, the psyche is still flexible, and the potential of a person is great. In general, if you read on the Internet, then in such a situation it is advised to contact a psychologist and begin a long course of understanding yourself and changing your character. That is, experts say that this problem cannot be solved quickly. The name of the problem is social phobia, but the causes are different for everyone. From me advice: try to win a small victory over the problem: spend more time on the street. Walk in the parks, sit on a bench and read, do morning or evening jogs or bike rides, etc. Over time, you'll get used to it and you'll start to like the street. This is not yet a solution to the problem with society, but already the development of space, territory.

Yuri, Age: 48/03/2013

The previous request for
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I consider myself not worthy of

Hello!

Social phobia has been tormenting me for about seven years now (now I'm 19). I am tormented by a constant fear of communication, a persistent feeling of inferiority, inferiority does not let me go. In retrospect, I think that my full connection with the world was cut off due to the acute course of adolescence and the constant ridicule of my mother and cruel friend, who never forgot to point out my shortcomings to me (this is also the case with my mother). For them it's just a joke, but for me it's a big stress, because I believe in it. I am very sensitive to criticism.

I feel great just being in my room. I am not lonely at all, I have many hobbies, the most important of which is music, playing the guitar, writing songs. To be honest, objectively, I know that I have nothing to complex: I have an attractive appearance (due to being too strict with myself, I take care of my appearance very carefully), a standard slender figure, I am well-read, I have been told more than once that I am an interesting conversationalist (I'm popular on social media), I'm a great guitar player, I have a good ear, I speak English very well, I have a good sense of humor. ..

But this feeling of confidence and lightness goes away when I leave my room. Before I go to a small shop, a stone's throw from my house, I sit on the porch for about half an hour, intending to take it with the spirit - and go out. On the street, because of a nervous fear of seeming ridiculous, awkward, it really turns out that way, because I constantly stumble, stutter when I talk, and I speak very quietly. There is something wrong with walking. And for some reason I feel ugly at this moment, and, oddly enough, also fat (my weight is 47 with a height of 168). Going to the cinema, cafe or somewhere else is out of the question ... And for some reason I think that I am unworthy of this. It seems to me that I am unworthy of everything in the world ... My inner feeling when I am in public is a lousy, sick, small mongrel, unworthy of entering an elite kennel. Although this "kennel" is not something supernatural, but an ordinary cafe or music store.

A supermarket has been opened very close to my house for half a year already, I wonder what is inside, but I don’t dare to set foot there. . To make it easier for me, I put on make-up and styled my hair for an hour before leaving the house to look “worthy” . But I realized one thing: even if I looked like Angelina Jolie herself, it would hardly help. The reason is a huge fat worm deep inside.

My unbridled fear lives apart from the mind. I have already read many books and articles on this subject, watched all kinds of films. With my mind I understand everything, I know everything that I should behave so stupidly. I even carried out experiments, forcibly left the house, trying to talk, to talk to the people nearby in the store, at the bus stop. But I came across unfriendly people and this brought me even more pain and stress, and I closed myself even more ...

My only "social" outlet is the Internet. There I have a lot of friends from different parts of the world who love me. There I really am what I want to be: strong, unflappable, friendly, kind, caring. I have a great boyfriend there. I even warm with words and console people like me. But no one knows what huge problems I really have, everyone thinks that everything is rosy in my life. I have never told anyone about these problems.

Also, I lead a healthy lifestyle, in winter I don't even have a slight runny nose. But in the last two years, I was simply tormented by cystitis. I was treated a lot, I tried from folk remedies, to all kinds of pharmacy lotions. But nothing helps. And recently, having looked into the book of the wise Japanese healer Katuzu Nishi, I read that fears of communication, communication problems lead directly to the problems of the genitourinary system. I was simply shocked.

Last year I entered the university. I had to go to the opposite end of the city, I was mistaken, wandered until late at night, unable to ask for directions until I found it myself. I also had a bad environment at uni. Short segments of classes and very large windows between them, for an hour or two. Without making friends with anyone, I sat on the dark stairs, pretending to be very busy. People were walking up the stairs, hitting me with their feet. And once two guys walked by and there was such a dialogue:

- That f**** is always wiping stairs with her ass!

- Yes, it's better to sit on the courts.

There were many more such situations that I'm working on for the next two weeks. I create such situations with my thoughts and attract to me in abundance, like a magnet. Six months later, I could not stand it and sat down at home, constantly lying to my mother that I was studying and attending classes (she constantly works).

Now is a turning point in my life.

I must muster up the courage to get a job to earn money for music equipment. Tell my mom that I dropped out of school, even though it threatens me with a scolding.

I want to do what I always wanted to do professionally. Music. I want to put together a group and lead it. The material is already ready, it needs to be implemented. I know and see how to arrange everything, but my social phobia holds me tight. The musical path of the group is complicated, here you have to be punchy, persistent, not turn off the course, be able to negotiate with an insane amount of people, not be afraid to submit your ideas. Then endure criticism.

And I'm afraid to go outside.

I know I'm too hard on myself. Too much. I look at people, overweight people with crooked legs, stupid, narrow-minded, but happy, joyful, bathed in love. And with my mind I understand that I should have all this. I'm even better than them in some ways. But fear...

People feel my insecurity and fear and avoid me, mock me. As a child, I was a completely fearless, mobile child. Happy. What happened to him...

More than anything, I want to become the "real" Kira. I would easily trade half my life for getting rid of fear. Let's say I live 60 years, but I would give half to be myself for at least 11 years. That Kira who is not afraid of anything new, she is strong. Which warms with its warmth and support of loved ones, which is not afraid to fight back, to protect itself and loved ones. Which is successful, bold. Who is happy...

The story turned out to be big.. Throughout the writing, I did not stop crying. I don’t even know why I wrote it and whether anyone will read all this. Although, it became much easier for me, because this is the only time in my life when I poured out my soul. And you know, it's great.

Hello Kira!

In your case, there is only one way out: to come to a long-term job with a psychologist. If desired, the problem can be solved.

All the best to you, I will be glad to be of service.

Galina.

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Hello Kira!

I read your letter with sincere interest: very intelligent, lively, subtle, real.

No need to give 30 years of life, don't scatter! Start working with a psychologist - and be yourself as much as you like, even up to 100 years, even up to 110!

But to be more serious, I have the impression that you are already very close to solving the problem. You have done a lot of quality conscious work. Perhaps only a few steps are missing, to work with unconscious processes. And some more time - to get used to the new quality, to make it natural and familiar.

With sincere sympathy - good luck!

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Hello Kira!

You are not the first, you are not the last to be traumatized by inharmonious relationships with parents, who sometimes try to solve their unresolved psychological problems at the expense of their children. It's sad, sad, but not fatal. You need serious, long-term psychotherapy. Long, because it is necessary to change the character (the usual way of responding to the outside world), and this cannot be changed quickly (after all, it has been formed over the years). But the changes are quite real and you can find your true self and live a joyful, happy life. Just don't be lazy and work on yourself. If you are in Almaty, then I invite you on September 25 to a therapeutic gestalt group, which was created for people there to discover and solve their psychological problems, in particular problems of communication and relationships. All the best, Elena.

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Hello Kira.

The fact that you have decided to write, "to pour out your soul", is already good. In fact, you don’t need to sacrifice half your life to be yourself, but you should find time and energy for serious and long-term (perhaps several years) work with a psychologist, psychoanalyst, in order to return to the world, to find that very " connection". Judging by your letter, such work could be of great benefit to you. It is not enough to know and read a lot, to understand your problem "with reason" - you need to learn how to build relationships, and the experience of "live" communication with a psychotherapist can be invaluable in your case. You feel free and confident on the Internet - where no one can see you, no one can "know" that it is you - you are afraid to show yourself to people. Why is it so scary for you and what to do about it - you can try to understand with a specialist.

I would recommend that you start with individual work and then work in a group.

Good luck to you!

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Hello Kira.

This is how day after day, describing your events in life, your feelings, as you did in a letter, psychotherapy will go through, work to find yourself.

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