When a narcissist finds someone new
Don't Be Jealous of Your Narcissistic Ex's New PartnerIt won't last. Pablo Heimplatz / Unsplash
If you've just got out of a relationship with a narcissist, you should congratulate yourself. You tore yourself away from the abuse, the lies, and the mind-games, and you can finally start to heal.
If you ended the relationship, they might still be trying to get back into your life. This is why the "no contact" stage — where you completely erase them from your life — is so important for you to move on.
However, if they broke up with you, you might be still grieving for what you once had. It's important to remember that you're mourning the person you thought they were, not the abusive, cruel manipulator they really are.
A certain amount of time after the break-up — usually not long, when it comes to narcissists — your ex will find someone new. Whether you're happy they're out of your life or not, this can still be upsetting to hear.
The narcissist will go out of their way to ensure you know about their new relationship. This could be through social media posts, mutual connections, or even directly contacting you about it. They might even thank you, to tell you how much they appreciated your time together and how much they learned from the break up, to be a better person for their new partner.
If you can't resist the temptation to look the new love birds up on Facebook, you might see everything you thought you had in the beginning of your relationship. You'll see happy faces, gushing posts, and what looks like domestic bliss.
The person who made your self-esteem drop to the floor appears to have completely vanished.
You might start to question your own worth, and ask yourself questions like, "Why couldn't they be like that for me?," "Wasn't I enough?," or "Was it my fault?"
Yes, you were enough. No, it wasn't your fault. What you have to remember is this is all an act. When the narcissist met you, they put on the same mask. You had that smiling, happy face once, before the narcissist showed their true colours.
The same story repeats itself.
According to psychologists, therapists and neuroscientists, narcissists can never change. They are obsessed with the idealised image of themselves, which they believe to be superior to everybody else. They are deeply miserably people with low self-esteem, so they create an inflated version of themselves in their minds, giving them a false sense of superiority.
Small spats which all normal couples go through turn into never-ending circular arguments with narcissists, because they only see fault in others.
"They are perfect in their mind," Shannon Thomas, a licensed clinical social worker and author of the book "Healing from Hidden Abuse," told Business Insider. "So when we're trying to have a normal back and forth about how we're going to work through these bumps, psychological abusers will be very resistant to that, because there's 'nothing wrong with them. '"
This contempt they see for everyone else around them is deep-rooted. This means sooner or later, that hatred and disgust will be pointed towards the person they are in a relationship with. A romantic attachment doesn't protect you from being the target.
Narcissists can never really love anyone.
It doesn't matter how much they bombed you with love at the beginning with gifts, compliments, and undivided attention, because this wasn't their true self. That's why it's important to remember that no matter how happy and loved-up they look with their new partner, it's only a matter of time before they start being belittled and insulted too.
Narcissists can never really love anyone. Every relationship they have is transactional, meaning they are always looking into what they can get out of it. Sooner or later, they will suck their partner dry of money, enthusiasm, self-esteem, or all three, and they discard them without looking back.
That's why you should never be jealous of your narcissistic ex's new partner — they haven't changed. They aren't fixed. They aren't happier with this new person. They are merely going through the same first steps of the relationship you did, and you should be glad you're free from it.
After the idealisation phase, which the new relationship is in, devaluation starts, which is when the narcissist starts to tear down your confidence and makes you miserable.
So instead of worrying that you were the problem, tell yourself this: someone else's actions are never your fault. We are all responsible for what we say and how we act, and if your narcissistic ex decided to make you feel worthless and unloved, it was never because of something you did. It was because they can't deal with the fact that we are all imperfect.
You escaped the worst relationship you are ever likely to have, and you survived, because you are strong. You're likely to still feel an attachment to the relationship because of something called trauma bonding, but these feelings will eventually fade, and you'll look back one day and thank your lucky stars you got away.
The Narcissist and Their New Supply (Girlfriend/Boyfriend)
I have mentioned before in past blogs that narcissists need attention in order to survive. This form of attention is brought to the narcissist by a new supply which is a girlfriend or boyfriend. In most cases your nacissist has already spent months or weeks grooming their new supply to take your spot once he tires of you. In my case, this was oh so true. We broke up on July 2 and he started “officially” dating his new fling on July 6.
We broke up on a Thursday and by Sunday, I was being sent photos of him with his new girlfriend on the beach that she posted. I admit, it stung like hell. After all, this guy was just in my bed having sex with me Wednesday evening and telling me he loved me so much. The next day, he broke with me. Ooof. These two were snuggled up in the water on a boat trip that he was supposed to take me on. The feeling was very harsh, but it was eye opening because I got to finally see him for what he was and that our relationship was a mockery, not real. This is just how the narcissist operates though. It was and never will be personal so remember that. These people are psychologically unrooted.
You see, he didn’t just dump me and find a new girlfiend 3 days later oh so conveniently-he had already found her and was working his magic while also hanging on to me for whatever remaining supply that he could extract. This is very typical of a narcissist so please do not blame yourself as if you did something wrong. This is a very dysfunctional relationship and soon the new supply will see this once the mask falls off. Remember, the narcissist always tells on themselves.
Honestly, I was so comforted by the fact that I was right all along. My gut instincts told me that he was cheating on me. The projections-him accusing ME of cheating-also had me cautious. I had seen this girl on his posts before-liking his shirtless selfies etc. So I will go on a wild guess that he was probably grooming her since at least May. Most narcissists do cheat, sadly. I remember feeling like I could never give him enough of my time or attention. I had 2 kids, ran a full time business, and was going through a divorce so I had a lot on my plate. My biggest regret though was ever allowing him around my children and I am thankful that his new supply does not have any.
You need to realize that most narcissists will find a new supply before they ever even dump you-before your relationship ends. This means while he is cheating on you, he’s already misleading and being dishonest to the new girl or boy aka supply. Great for her/him? Ehhhh…. not so much. Take it as a blessing that you are not their toy anymore. Whether his new girlfriend knows he was in my bed a couple days prior or not, I am sure she is blinded by all of the love bombing and attention that he is giving her. I mean, I was in the beginning. The love bombing stage felt nice. He would always post on my page, tag me on posts, comment on mine, text me alllllll day and night, and call often. But this is what they do and that is why it is called the love bombing stage of the narcissistc abuse cycle.
I felt duped. Just the weekend before, he was snuggling up to my kids as we took them to a trampoline park. Then the next weekend, with his new fling. But that is how the cookie crumbles when you date a narcissist. There is never a true version of themselves and they will take on the personality of their supplies to suit their best interest. If you enjoy yoga, they’ll like yoga. If you start gardening, they will suddenty have an interest. Just watch. They lack epitome of their true selves.
I was in bed for days dealing with the affects and aftermath. This guy not only lied, cheated, and stole my soul, but the effects from the trauma bond and steady emotioanl/physical abuse was something that had me unable to operate. But I thankful for God, for my pastor Jeff, this blog for giving me a voice to educate other women on narcissistic abuse, my life coach Stephanie Lynn, my therapist Kate, my kids, and good friends that I happened to meet during this rough time.
I know you have a lot of questions and I am so happy to answer them because I am sure you have felt the pain, too.
Why Do Narcissists Find New Supply?
When the human object, who is supposed to fix the narcissist’s dire insecurities and lack of self, can’t live up to ego’s insatiable requirements, then the narcissist will start controlling, punishing and/or sourcing new sources of supply on the side that may be able to do the job. This basically means when I was no longer doing a good job at giving him enough attention to distract him from his emotional shortcomings, it was time to find someone else to fit the bill.
Narcissists have an extremely low threshold for boredom. The very things they say they love about you in the beginning soon become the bane of their existence. They are going to be extremely aggravated by these things as time goes on because their whole agenda is to tear you down. Therefore, once they get bored and the love chemicals start wearing off and they see that you are a real person and not some movie character they made up in their mind, that’s when things start to unravel because they haven’t formed any bond with you.
It may look like they’ve moved on fast and truly some do, but you have to know they already moved on before leaving you-or letting you know. They will even move fast within their new relationship, too. I remember within a month or two of meeting my ex narc, he was looking at houses for us to move into. He wanted to BUY a house with me and get me to move to his city. Often he told me he wanted to marry me and have kids. He did not use protection ever and I felt he secretly wanted me to get pregnant (I had asked him to wear a condom once because I was taking antibiotics on the pill and he did not want to). They have many tricks to trapping you because they have a strong fear of abandonement deep down.
I remember towards the last 3 months, I was told how I was not trying hard enough, how I was cheating on him supposedly, how I didn’t give him enough attention, how he didn’t feel like a priorty, we did not have enough sex, how I hung out with my friends too much, and how I had to block every single man in my life… the list went on. This was later found to be called projection.
The sources of supply or people are expendable/interchangeable when:
- The narcissist fails repeatedly (letting the partner down due to lies and infidelity, failing in business, unable to stand out and be special) and the presence of the source (i.e., spouse or partner) becomes a constant reminder of their failures.
- The stimulating effects of the source wear off and the narcissist becomes bored. Remember, they can’t emotionally bond so their connections are always superficial and short-lived.
- The narc realizes they’re addicted to the supply and resents their dependency on the source. Their fragile ego won’t allow them to accept this dependency, so they devalue the source to quiet this pain
So, unless you’re okay with shapeshifting every moment of the day to appease the psyche of such a dysfunctional person, the best thing you can do is stop trying to figure out the narcissist. Cut that anchor and sail away…
Alyssa was not the first source of supply for my ex-narc. I have mentioned him cheating on me with multiple escorts before. But I noticed this, and don’t mind me because this might be TMI, but I noticed after dating him that I would get frequent vaginal infections. I thought, how weird? This is a first? He even told me his girlfriend before me complained of the same issue… I guess it does not take a rocket scientist to figure out why she and I both got vaginal infections after having sex with this guy. You can only imagine why….Do Narcissists Treat Their New Supply Differently?
No, not at all.. The narc has zero sense of self therefore they will continue doing what they have always done. They will Lovebomb, Devalue, Discard, and Hoover you for weeks, months, and years. We broke up around ten times in one year the cycle continued on-I began to take notice of every stage and could predict when the hoover or discard stages would take place. Your narcissist is very predictable. I will honestly say that I feel he will do the same thing to his new girlfriend. . and to the next one.. and to the next one. It will always be their faults in his eyes.
Listen, it’s virtually impossible for a mentally and emotionally whole person to feel genuine love, adoration, affection, and deep bond with one person — then instantly feel those same exact things for someone else… especially within 3 days. This is what I had to tell myself. This guy told me he loved me Thursday morning on the phone-the day we broke up. But I had to realize he didn’t mean it. He never loved me. This man was incapable of knowing how to love and will always will be-unless he got some serious help.
See, the narc’s definition of “love” is so far removed from that of a “normal” person’s, that survivors often get stuck trying to wrap their heads around this idea. They don’t love the new person more or less than they did you, because they are literally unable to love like we do. They cannot emotionally bond, so their “love” is strictly based on how much and how easily they can get supply.
Their new girlfriend or boyfriend will be taken out like yesterday’s trash and it is only a matter of time before the victim figures out that this person isn’t quite right. Thus, the cycle continues..
Does a Narcissist Change With Their New Supply?
Not even. The narcissist takes everyone they trap (lovers, family, friends, coworkers, bystanders, even pets!) through that same cycle. The reason why they do not change is because they see nothing wrong with themselves. They never see themselves as the broken people that they are.
- No. The new victim did not magically heal the narcissist from their personality disorder.
- No. They didn’t convince the narc to change into the most gentle, loving, and considerate person.
- And no. The skies did not part and the angels did not bless the narc with a new heart of true love.
And I am 100% confident that the person he dropped me like yesterday’s trash for, will get the same… as well as the person after that… and so on.
100% — without a doubt.
That’s why it’s called a cycle of abuse. They deplete every last ounce of our spirit & energy, and instead of helping us refill our bucket like a loving & healthy partner, they kick us aside and move on to the next source of supply.What Does a Narcissist Truly Want?
What matters most to them is having someone who will tolerate their ways. Even then, it’s important to understand that you can tolerate them until you’re blue in the face, but it’s not going to guarantee that you are going to be the one the narcissist prefers because honestly, narcissists don’t prefer anyone.
- The narc will want you to dress the way they want you to. Mine used to always tell me to wear heels more.
- The narc will tell you who you can and cannot talk to. I was not allowed to have any male friends or contacts.
- The narc wants to isolate you. The narc will make you feel guilty about spending too much time with your friends to where you avoid going out to avoid a fight.
- The narc wants excessive admiration. They want you to post pics of them often. They want attention all the time. They want to blow up your phone. They want you to comment on all of their posts. This is how they get supply and once you stop, they will let you know about it
- The narc wants to be loved, admired, highly thought of. They constantly crave approval, validation, reassurance that they’re seen in the best possible light. They have little tolerance for criticism or rejection. They become enraged with people who disagree with them. They need others to fawn over them and make a fuss. Otherwise, they’re reminded of the emptiness inside them that hurts so much.
So if you are ok with giving the narc everything he wants, losing your voice, and becoming their puppet, go right on ahead. It was not how I wanted to live my life and it was not whom I wanted around my children.
They Naturally Will Flaunt The New Supply
First of all, this is in no way a reflection of your value. You didn’t do anything to deserve such disrespect. And what respectable adult would intentionally behave this way — with pride?
It doesn’t even matter whether you are a direct witness or not. They’re shamelessly announcing this to friends and connections, likely hoping someone will report this back to you so you’ll provide them with even more narcissistic supply (your negative reaction serves to validate their worth). They want you to know. They want a reaction. They want to hurt you. They love it. Their flaunting of their new relationship has more about hurting you than it is about showing off the new supply.
Honestly, whether your ex is a narcissist, psychopath, sociopath, or just a monumental jerk, parading their new relationship and/or flaunting how they’ve been unfaithful to you shows their lack of integrity and low-quality character. Although it hurt at first, I became happy that I saw how quickly he moved on, that he cheated on me, and how he was flaunting it all over the place. It helped me to realize that this man had not changed, but that I was not his victim anymore. He had a new shiny toy to abuse now-not me. Don’t get me wrong-I hate it for her. I know what is coming. But I am going to stick to the sidelines, pray for her, and hope she will get out less unscathed than I did.The kicker: All this celebrating isn’t even about the new victim. She/he does not matter to the narc. Only how the narc is perceived matters to the narc.
Narcissists are unable to emotionally bond, leaving them without the ability to store genuine, loving feelings. As such, the relief they receive from all that narcissistic supply must constantly be replenished.
You can compare this to a leaky bucket — requiring constant refills with nothing of real substance to offer anyone else.
This is why they always have to have something going on.
- Something planned
- Someone on the side
- Something to think about
- Something great to announce
- Something new to show off
- Something— ANYTHING to get them attention so others can reassure them, “Yes, you exist. ”
Only when they’re able to extract narcissistic supply from those around them, do they find temporary relief from their empty, non-existing-ness. So, they wave the new person and their happy life all over the place to stock up on as much narcissistic supply as they possibly can.
Are you starting to see how the flaunting doesn’t have much to do with this next victim as a person? I remember when he started flaunting me all over his social during dating. I think back and it all clicks. I can see the power trip forming now.
This is why going No Contact is not only important for your safety and sanity, but a powerful weapon against the always NEEDY abuser. You cannot allow them to contact you ever, ever again.
No.. You Aren’t In Love-It Is Called a Trauma Bond
A trauma bond is the addiction to your abuser. How does trauma bonding happen?
During the narcissistic relationship, the abuser uses a manipulation tactic known as intermittent reinforcement.
This effect even works on a biochemical level; when pleasurable moments are few and far in between, merged with cruelty, the reward circuits associated with a toxic relationship actually become strengthened. When pleasure is predictable, our reward circuits become accustomed to it and our brain actually releases less dopamine over time when with a consistently good partner. It could be argued that in many cases, rejection and chaos by a toxic partner creates an addiction that is far more long-lasting than the predictable quality of “stable” love.
The abuser withholds attention, provokes insecurity, blame-shifts, and invalidates your thoughts and feelings — leaving you to wonder what the heck you could be doing to push your soulmate away.
But, every once in a while, the narc throws scraps of love and affection your way. This makes your heart light up and think, “Finally! The perfect relationship I knew is returning to normal!” This is also a tactic called breadcrumbing.
Sadly, the coldness & distance return — and you’re back to feeling alone, confused, and longing for that perfect person you knew from before. Pssst… they never existed. It was all a facade.
And just when you think the relationship is finally coming to an end (again), the narc throws you bits of “love” (again), giving you relief from the pain and reigniting your hope for the return of your soulmate (again).
And so it continues.
Emotional abuse can change your brain-moreso than physical abuse and I have had both. The logical part of your brain is numbed out to protect you from shock, leaving you to function mainly from the emotional part of your brain. If that’s not scary and disturbing, I don’t know what is.
This is why at this point, you will do just about anything for those scraps of attention. You’ve become addicted to the INTENSE feeling of RELIEF after being treated so poorly by the love of your life.
So if you find yourself wondering:
- Why you still can’t let go of the one person who treated you exactly the way s/he swore on their life to never do.
- Why you still love the abuser so much.
- Why after being dragged through hell, you’re still determined to hold onto hope that things can possibly still change for the better…
- You can be sure you’re not bound to the narc by love, but addiction. This is trauma bonding. An addiction to the feeling of relief after prolonged emotional pain caused by the abuser.
Absolutely not love by a long shot.
You’re not even thinking clearly anymore — you’re reacting to your addiction. This is dangerous and keeps you susceptible to harm. It’s the reason why doing No Contact is absolutely required.
Because the longer you remain focused on the narcissist, and the more effort and attention you give them after the relationship has ended, the more you will LOSE YOURSELF.
I am currently in therapy and doing EMDR to help break my trauma bonds so that I can find love within myself and to heal myself before I move on to another relationship. I am definitely not ready to love right now because I have to truly love and enjoy myself. I want to be whole before meeting someone else.
Will The Narcissist Ever Be Happy?
Not truly. They do a good job at looking the part, but that is all part of the facade.
The narcissist really needs to take responsibility for their own self-healing and self-love. Sadly, though, they keep seeing other people as the solution to their problem. This is why they line up other people or sources of supply to fulfill their needs before even leaving you. These people CANNOT and WILL NOT be alone. This is why you seem them jumping from relationship to relationship. They need to have that validation because they are empty and are not happy with themselves.
The narcissist will keep on using people to boost their self-esteem, but tragically for everyone, the narcissist will end up being angry at them because external validation can never heal their wound.
The narcissist wants the other person to make them feel good about themselves, but no-one can do this. Only the narcissist can heal their own wound.
The sad truth is that the narcissist is trapped. They’re convinced that approval and validation from others is what will heal them, so they never turn inward and love, validate and reassure themselves.
They are doomed to feel empty and miserable for their entire lives and they’ll blame the people around them for not loving them or validating them “enough,” even if these people are doing their very best to shore up the narcissist’s fragile ego.In Conclusion…
I KNOW it’s hard. But you must not worry about what your narc is doing or WHOM they are doing. It is all superficial and before you know it, the new supply/girlfriend/boyfriend will endure what you just dealt with.
My best advice? Keep no contact and move on. Block them everywhere. If they contact you, do not answer. Know there are much better partners out there who will treat you with genuine love and respect-without wanting anything in return.
For more blogs on narcissism:
HOW TO SURVIVE A NARCISSISTIC RELATIONSHIP
NARCISSISTS AND HOW THEY CONTROL YOU
THE NARCISSISTIC PROJECTION OF YOU
DATING A NARCISSIST: HOW TO HEAL FROM NARCISSTIC ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS
CAN A NARCISSIST REALLY CHANGE?
HEALING FROM NARCISSISTIC ABUSE
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"The one you loved never existed." Psychologist Elena Tsarik tells how narcissists tear out the soul from people
– Elena Nikolaevna, is our society narcissistic?
- Yes, as never before! The pursuit of beauty is narcissistic. Striving for material well-being. "Look what I am!" - the message of all social networks. There is boundless scope for lies and hypocrisy, as well as lies and psychological abuse. I think there are a lot of narcissists and psychopaths on social media.
- So who deserves the title of "official" narcissist?
According to the DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, USA), to receive such a diagnosis, a person must demonstrate at least five of the following signs.
Huge conceit. A person exaggerates his own talents and success, demands recognition of his superiority from others, while not having commensurate achievements. Constant fantasies of great success, power, brilliance, beauty, or perfect love. The belief that he is special and unique and can only be understood by people (or organizations) with a special or high status, and he should only associate with such people and work with such organizations. Excessive need to be admired. Feeling that he has some special rights - unreasonable expectations from others of excessive favor or their automatic compliance with his expectations. Consumer attitude towards people, their use for selfish purposes. Lack of compassion: The person is unwilling to understand or empathize with the feelings and needs of others. Envy or the belief that he is envied. Demonstration of arrogance and arrogance towards others.
– Well... At different moments of life, these signs can be present in almost every one of us!
- Yes, everyone has narcissistic traits. It's just a question of severity.
– How does this manifest itself in behavior and actions?
- The narcissist criticizes you for being "overly emotional" or "overreacting" if you are, for example, justifiably jealous with evidence. When angry or upset, he often denies it. Attacks when hurt or frustrated. He is characterized by outbursts of anger. Concerned about how he looks in the eyes of others. Arrogant, vain and arrogant, exaggerates his achievements. Obviously plays to the audience, seeking attention or admiration. Fiercely competes with others, ambitious. You know, he competes everywhere. Even if no one competes with him, he will come up with a competition. And often wins.
Touchy. As a rule, he perceives innocent remarks as insults. Allows himself to make disparaging comments about other people behind their backs. Makes people laugh, makes them doubt themselves. Demonstrates insufficient self-control, lives beyond their means. Often at someone else's expense. Overeating, drinking too much, or using drugs. Prone to workaholism. Initiates grandiose projects, but does not bring them to the end.
Quickly falls in love and cools off, idealizing the object of romantic love. Makes important decisions in life without showing forethought.
– Tell us about how a narcissist builds his personal life?
– I would not wish a meeting with a psychopath and a narcissist even to my enemy. Narcissists and people with symptoms of antisocial personality disorder divide romantic relationships with partners into three sequential phases. So according to the scheme, they deal with a partner. They exalt a person from the first minutes. It's like passionate love. Often uses hackneyed stamps. But we believe in princes and that here they are - the dream relationship that we deserve! He is perfect! The relationship is so swift that modest women live with them in a civil marriage in a couple of months.
– Don't they propose marriage?
– Easy. And they get married. And in the process of courtship, everything is perfect. We want romance and they give it to us. Likes, confessions, forwarding songs on social networks, sharing photos. He asks about everything, especially intimate, personal, secret, loves gossip. You find yourself in a fairy tale with him, so many coincidences ... One gets the feeling that you have met a kindred spirit.
– Is that bad?
– He doesn't allow us to be imperfect within ourselves. Admiring, he may hint that it would be nice to change this, and that's all. Favorite words of a manipulator: I admire, I adore, I bow, I envy myself, a goddess, one in a million, I have never seen such beautiful ones, and everything in this vein. The idealization is almost sincere. That's why his compliments, even the most tongue-tied ones, can sound very killer: because they are dictated by almost sincere admiration. Therefore, we create the illusion of an unprecedented kinship of souls. After all, this person, like no one else, sees our virtues and appreciates them so much! And he really sees them and appreciates them, only in a very specific way.
– How is that?
- The narcissist chooses us because he is driven by envy of our traits. Unconsciously seeking to appropriate them, he creates a narcissistic fusion with us. Admiring us, he admires himself. And he demands admiration for himself from us, and so openly provokes! He tells us: “You know, I love it so much when ...” And then there will definitely be something under the heading “Love me, love, run around me, run!”
If correspondence, then every minute, constant attention. He doesn't care that you are busy. You get the impression that the narcissist is genuinely in love with you, when in reality he only wants to make you addicted to a constant stream of praise and attention. And you know, he finds your complexes in you and makes compliments about them. Excess weight? "I like your body". And so on. Then, in the next phase, when he devalues you, he will beat them.
A person exaggerates his own talents and success, demands recognition of his superiority from others, while not having commensurate achievements. Constant fantasies of great success, power, brilliance, beauty, or perfect love.
He is concerned about how he looks in the eyes of others. Arrogant, vain and arrogant, exaggerates his achievements. Obviously plays to the audience, seeking attention or admiration. Fiercely competes with others, ambitious.
Lack of compassion: the person is unwilling to understand or empathize with the feelings and needs of others. Envy or the belief that he is envied. Demonstration of arrogance and arrogance towards others.
- Does the transition from praise to depreciation happen gradually?
- The devaluation phase immediately follows the idealization phase, and that's when you belatedly wonder: why were you so suddenly toppled from your pedestal? The narcissist will suddenly become hard and cold, will begin to criticize you harshly, covertly and openly humiliating you, comparing you with others, completely ignoring you, emotionally withdrawing from you . .. By his ignorance, covertly expressing contempt for you when you "failed to match him or her standards." Then he returns a little to the initial behavior, and the person gets caught again. After all, that's how good he really is, the narcissist, and it was because of your behavior that he behaved the way he did. You are led to believe that if you can become less moody, the reward is that the narcissist will be able to start behaving like they did at the beginning of the relationship.
– It's... a rather severe form of psychological abuse.
- Unfortunately, it is only during the devaluation phase that the narcissist reveals his true form. You will have to understand that the man or woman who showed up at the very beginning of the relationship never really existed. But when the whole truth comes to the surface, you will unsuccessfully try to reconcile the disparate images of the narcissist: the one you dealt with in the very beginning and the one you deal with now.
– I take it something terrible is going to happen next?
- When the phase of rejection sets in, the narcissist gets rid of his victim in the most horrible and humiliating way possible! To make the victim feel completely worthless. This can manifest itself in the following ways: the narcissist will start a relationship with another person, will publicly humiliate the victim, completely ignore him for a very long period of time, show physical aggression and many other ways of humiliating behavior, the purpose of which is to make the victim feel worthless. Yes, sometimes “normal” relationships can also end this way, but in the case of a narcissist, the difference is that he deliberately makes it clear to you that he purposefully wants to hurt you by ignoring you, spreading rumors about you, cheating on you, insulting you and humiliating you during the rejection phase.
– Is it possible to painlessly part with such a “partner”?
- Unlike "normal" partners, they do not allow you to end the relationship on their own initiative, and if you did, they may begin to persecute you in order to show that they still control you.
They use a variety of distractions designed to misinform the victim and shift responsibility for what is happening at the stage of devaluation and rejection. These techniques are used not only by narcissistic personalities, but also by psychopaths and sociopaths to avoid responsibility for their actions.
– What are these tricks?
- Gaslighting. This is a manipulative technique, which is best explained by the example of typical phrases: “There was no such thing”, “It seemed to you”, “You yourself made it up”, “Are you crazy?” This is one of the most insidious manipulation techniques because it aims to distort and undermine your sense of reality. The worst thing is to stop trusting yourself. For what? Thus, if you are not yourself, you can ignore your claims. Yes, you yourself will think that you really want the impossible from a partner.
When a narcissist, sociopath, or psychopath uses this tactic, two irreconcilable reactions are battling within you: either he is wrong, or you are the problem. The manipulator will try to convince you that the former is completely out of the question, and the latter is the pure truth, indicating your inadequacy.
It is only during the devaluation phase that the narcissist reveals his true form. You will have to understand that the man or woman who showed up at the very beginning of the relationship never really existed.
When the rejection phase comes, the narcissist gets rid of his victim in the most horrible and humiliating way possible! To make the victim feel completely worthless.
– How to defend yourself, how to cope?
- If your loved one tried several times to convey to you that you are not yourself, you need to think about it. Start looking for support in yourself, write down some events in your diary or tell your loved ones, then it will not be easy for you to convince that something did not happen.
One sure sign of destructiveness is when a person is chronically unwilling to see his own shortcomings and uses everything in his power to avoid responsibility for them. This is called projection. Projection is a defense mechanism used to displace responsibility for one's negative traits and behaviors by attributing them to another. In simple words, the manipulator avoids admitting his guilt and responsibility for the consequences.
– And again, I note that sometimes almost everyone can do this.
– Yes, we all use projection to some degree, but with narcissists, projection often becomes a form of psychological abuse. Instead of admitting their own faults, flaws, and transgressions, narcissists and sociopaths prefer to blame their own vices on unsuspecting victims in the most obnoxious and cruel way. Instead of admitting that they could use self-care, they prefer to shame their victims by making them responsible for their behavior. In this way, the narcissist causes others to feel the bitter shame they feel towards themselves.
– What if you encounter this?
- Do not prove anything, otherwise you will get stuck even more. And “look at yourself” with them is also absolutely ineffective. Narcissists are completely uninterested in introspection and change.
Narcissists and sociopaths use circle talk, personalization, projection, and gaslighting to confuse and confuse you when you disagree or challenge them. This is done to discredit, distract and upset you, divert you from the main topic and make you feel guilty about the fact that you are a living person with real thoughts and feelings that dare to be different from their own. In their eyes, the problem is your existence.
It only takes ten minutes to argue with a narcissist and you're already wondering how you even got involved. You just expressed disagreement with his ridiculous statement, and you have already been trampled into the mud. This is because your disagreement contradicts his false belief that he is omnipotent and omniscient, which leads to the so-called narcissistic injury.
Destructive people think they know your thoughts and feelings. They judge by themselves and nothing else. Great masters of putting words into other people's mouths, they expose you as carriers of absolutely stupidest and wildest intentions or opinions. They accuse you of not being adequate even before you make a comment about their behavior, and this is also a form of preemptive defense.
Instead of acknowledging their own shortcomings, flaws, and transgressions, narcissists and sociopaths prefer to blame their own vices on unsuspecting victims in the most obnoxious and cruel way.
Manipulate me if you can: how to recognize a narcissist
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They are smart, sweet and charming. You fall into the net of their charm after a few minutes of communicating with them. They always create only dependent relationships. Where are they from - narcissists? What do they need? How not to get hooked, how to figure them out in your environment and what to do so that you are not driven to suicide - Tatiana Skritskaya, a family psychologist at the Familia Center, answers these and other questions.
- Most of the serious research on narcissists and manipulators is translations of foreign scientists. The problem is becoming more and more urgent for Russian psychologists. In their practice, psychologists and psychotherapists are increasingly faced with victims of people with narcissistic personality disorder, returning many of them literally from the next world. And judging by the scale of the problem, there is no doubt that it will only get worse in the future.
- Foreign experts identify people with a certain type of character, with the characteristics of the so-called "dark triad". It includes narcissism, Machiavellianism and emotional coldness.
Narcissism is the need to be the center of attention and to be admired. Such people maintain their grandiosity through the impression they make on others.
Machiavellianism is a lust for power, deceit and manipulation of other people. They are also distinguished by emotional coldness and are not able to experience warm feelings for others and even for close people.
People with high intelligence who have the qualities of the dark triad tend to be very successful. One example of such a person was Steve Jobs. He was unbearable for the environment, difficult to communicate with partners. At the same time, having a very difficult character, he was incredibly productive and charismatic.
The modern world actively encourages the effectiveness, selfishness and financial solvency of a person. It is by these components that many people around us evaluate us. It is important to be more successful, earn more, get married earlier (more successfully) and so on ... The main thing is to have something to brag to your girlfriends.
Accordingly, in recent decades, there are more and more such tough, selfish and unscrupulous loners. And psychologists are increasingly turning to people who have received psychological trauma as a result of communicating with them.
In the photo: family psychologist Tatyana Skritskaya and psychologist Igor Dobryakov. Photo: samopoznanie.ru
- Narcissist and manipulator - is it always an equal sign?
- Not. The degree of expression of these qualities may be different in different people. Narcissism can be healthy as an indicator of good self-esteem and an incentive for self-realization and development.
Malignant daffodils are different. They are very sweet, smart, charming, it's nice to be around them, we feel a surge of strength, interest in our person, but after parting, we are covered with emotional and physical exhaustion, fatigue. And sometimes there is a vague feeling that we were used.
Narcissists are sometimes referred to as "emotional vampires". Such people have no esoteric abilities. When communicating with ordinary people, we always get something from a partner: positive emotions, support, advice.
After communicating with a narcissist, many describe their state as devastation, exhaustion, a feeling that they have been used, that is, spending our time and energy, we do not receive anything in return.
The narcissist is not interested in people who understand his nature and who are able to resist being drawn into dependent relationships, because through such people he will not be able to receive confirmation of his grandiosity, they are almost impossible to use.
— Is this the conscious behavior of a person, or is it still driven by some kind of his nature? Perhaps the reason for this behavior lies elsewhere?
- Differently. The pronounced manifestation of the characteristics of the “dark triad” in a person is considered to be an innate feature. Such people have a certain value system in which it is permissible to use others.
The world and people are perceived as objects to satisfy their own needs. They easily identify potential victims, who are used and easily changed to new ones if necessary.
We can say that the highly competitive modern world contributes to the emergence of people with such character traits. Some psychologists say that this is the next stage of human evolution.
Today it is not necessary for people to live in groups to survive. The environment does not imply that we need someone for physical survival. Therefore, families and traditional relationships between people are gradually being transformed.
Money can replace interaction with other people and maintain a high quality of life. A certain amount of money implies that we can live as we please, without relying on loved ones and without needing them.
Photo: Mikhail Perikov, nsknews.info
- If a person gets into a dependent relationship with a narcissist, can he get out of it without loss?
- Much that happens in relations with others, we can track later - retrospectively. In the process of communication, when we are emotionally involved, we cannot observe ourselves from the outside and do not recognize that this is manipulation, and we are interesting for a partner only from the point of view of satisfying his needs. But then comes the realization that something was wrong.
For example, for my part, I did the right things, but I did not get what I expected from the communication, although my contribution was sufficient. This is the reaction that our body gives out to the manipulation that was on the part of a person with a pathological character. Such people know that there is a conscience, but its criteria do not apply to themselves.
Sometimes there are very vivid examples of the relationship of a person with the characteristics of the "dark triad" and his victim. For example, one of my clients asked: “How can I understand when my husband says that we are different stages of evolution? He says you can be used, I know how to do it, and I do it.
He told her about it openly, because she was financially and emotionally dependent on him. And he understood that she could not just jump off and leave this relationship.
Photo: Maria Kozlova, nsknews. info
- She did it?
Yes, she succeeded.
- Victims who live with such people, they don't feel they are being taken advantage of?
“Most likely they don’t realize it, because the narcissist has enough strength and self-control to keep his victim on a short leash. Victims may feel powerless, exhausted and not understand what is happening, live in some very chaotic world organized by their partner.
Manipulators are very good with people. They can read relevant literature, easily absorb people management information, and go head over heels to achieve their desired career or level of financial well-being.
Those knowledge and skills that ordinary psychologists spend years mastering, people with a pathological character acquire easily and simply. Quite often, such a person is interested in the victim, who does a lot of good, to be viable and continue to perform his functions. She is praised and supported from time to time. In general, the smarter and more functional a person is, the more sophisticated he can be.
- It is unthinkably difficult to get out of such an addiction, and it is better not to fall into it. How to protect yourself? After all, they do not walk the streets with a sign on their chests "narcissus in an active search for a new victim." And they are really in constant search.
- The experience of sincere and trusting relationships will help not to fall into such dependence. It doesn't have to be a relationship with your parents. If the parents are “warm” and supportive, then the child from childhood receives the necessary experience of recognizing people who are capable of support. Of course, in addition to parents, the environment is also important for gaining such experience - brothers and sisters, friends, and other relatives.
In order not to fall into the network of a narcissist , it is worth remembering a few rules by which he communicates with his victims. The main thing is that narcissists do not tend to invest a lot and for a long time in a relationship. Therefore, the connection with them arises almost instantly.
If there is a feeling that a person replaces the rest of the world, then this is also a reason to stop and think. It is worth talking about a special emotional closeness with a person at least after two weeks of acquaintance.
If we feel like we're "bang!" and on the same wavelength, it’s worth slowing down the development of relationships and not laying out all the details of your life to a new acquaintance.
Photo: Mikhail Perikov, nsknews.info
- What should alert?
- As a rule, such people choose as a victim those who can give something - money, sex, career help, or even household issues. First, it should be alert when the feeling arises very quickly that no one understands you as well as this person. When relationships develop in an extremely short time.
Secondly, if there are no conflicts at all, and the partners are so united and understand each other well, as if that very mythical soul mate literally met, this is an occasion to stop and think about who is in front of me.
You can provoke a person a little. For example, to offer an unexpected situation in which an ordinary person will not react too joyfully. For example, suggest playing a sport that a person has not done before. An ordinary person may agree, but at the same time express his fears or displeasure. The manipulator will agree and say: come on, I have always dreamed about it, we are one with you.
Thirdly, hypertrophied support at the beginning of a relationship and an emphasis on unity, merging. “We are we together. I understand you very well, I can almost read your thoughts” — this is the erasing of the personal boundaries of the victim.
And finally, it should be alarming that such a person has a “retinue” of many admirers of different sexes who listen to his opinion.
— How to explain why a person who does not need money always owes someone a hundred or two? He is always in someone's debt. What for?
- As a rule, people with a narcissistic disorder make good money, and they need this mechanism in order to more strongly involve the other person in emotional dependence.
Again, when we lend to such a person, we raise our self-esteem. Next to him, we feel our uniqueness and exclusivity - he is so competent and charming, but he chose us, it's cool.
But this is about something else - about the fact that we provide for his needs, improve his life, increase his self-esteem at the expense of our resources, including emotional ones.
Photo: Maria Kozlova, nsknews.info
- Among psychologists, there are those who are of the opinion that the victim is "the fool herself" that she got into a dependent relationship. This raises a logical question - so who is to blame?
- It's nobody's fault. There have always been such people. But when the society was more traditional, then people around knew about people who were inclined to use others and not give anything in return. They said about such people that they were dishonest and tried to stay away from them.
Now we live in cities, and there is less emotional closeness between people. Therefore, it is much easier for such a person to find his retinue and his victims.
— Is there a danger that emotional coldness is contagious, that the victims will never be the same again?
- It is not always so. If the affected person retains a close circle - family, friends, past relationships where it was different, then such a person will be able to differentiate the environment into a safe one, where he will demonstrate his good human qualities, and everything else.
But to return to a close circle with such a traumatized person, other people will have to spend a lot of time and their mental strength.