Gay dreams meaning
Gay Sex Dreams When You're Straight Are Common — Here's What They Mean
Whether it’s a sex dream about a friend, a sex dream about the lanky bartender you saw last weekend, or a sex dream about your cat, what goes on in our subconscious often feels like it’s coming way out of left field. Those seemingly random gay dreams you had about your hot second cousin twice removed may not be an indication of actual desire for them — instead, it’s your brain’s way of communicating something about your relationship, sensual or otherwise.
“Sex in a dream is rarely about sex at all — sorry to take the fun out of it,” dream expert Lauri Loewenberg previously told Elite Daily. “In most cases, sex in a dream is not about a physical union you want, but rather a psychological union you need or want. It's all about having or needing a psychological connection with the person in your dream or merging a particular quality that person has into your own personality.”
Even if you identify as straight, a gay sex dream here and there does not necessarily demonstrate a deeper homoerotic urge. But if you’re a straight-identifying person, that gay dream has the potential to shake you up — and that’s OK.
If you’re feeling a little freaked out by a queer dream, Luke Thao, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Associate (LMFTA) and member of the PNW Sex Therapy Collective based in Seattle, says it’s important to acknowledge your discomfort. “Honor that fear process,” Thao tells Elite Daily. “As someone who identifies as a gay male raised in conservative Christian church culture, when I first had those thoughts I was like, ‘Oh my god, I don’t want to think about those things.’ But the truth is, for me personally and in my experience working with [clients], I’ve found that it’s really important to honor that. Don’t shift too quickly to reassurance mode; you don’t immediately have to feel like, ‘Oh my god, it’s OK!’ Totally honor that space.”
Just like a gay dream doesn’t automatically make you gay, having negative or uncomfortable feelings about your dream doesn’t automatically make you homophobic.
Your discomfort is a reflection of the prevailing social structures in place that regularly demonize queerness and encourage us to think in binary terms. Thao emphasizes the power that these cultural norms have, especially when we’re trying to understand our own sexualities. “There’s a fear of anything not straight,” he says.
It’s also possible that, after the initial shock or anxiety about the dream, you realize that it actually felt good, and these are feelings you think you might like to explore. In that instance, Thao says go for it.
“OK, you had a homoerotic dream, you’re not queer, you’re not gay, if you don’t want to be. However you navigate it, after you’ve taken the time to acknowledge that fear and anxiety, now you have the opportunity to really examine how you want to make meaning of that dream,” he says. “If I had a client who was succumbing to the homophobic, heteronormative discourse that forces us to ask, like, ‘Oh my god, am I this or that?’ I would tell them: I’m not sure, either.
Let’s take that journey together. But that journey can usually only come after you’ve had that safety space.”
Human sexuality is an open-ended spectrum. New Gallup poll findings show that “one in six Gen Z adults consider themselves LGBT,” overall LGBT alignment has increased from 4.5% in 2017 to 5.6% of the population across generations in 2021, and the majority of those LGBT Americans identifies as Bisexual. So if you secretly really liked that gay sex dream, does that make you gay full stop? Probably not — but your sexuality, just like your subconscious, is fluid and always evolving. Read on for more about why you might be having those gay or lesbian fantasies even if you identify as straight.
Lesbian Dreams
ShutterstockIf you’re straight but have found that you sometimes dream about hooking up with other women, you’re in good company. Sex therapist Vanessa Marin previously told Bustle, “Same-sex fantasies are one of the most common fantasies, especially for women.
It typically falls within the top three to five most popular fantasies.” In fact, in 2016 the Daily Mail reported the results from a Boise State University study that tested the attraction of 484 straight-identifying women and found that 60% of them were sexually attracted to other women, 45% had kissed a woman, and 50% had fantasies about other women.
That being said, a sapphic subconscious could indicate a lot of things aside from pure sexual desire, according to Loewenburg.
“Typically, dreams about a female partner indicate you’re looking for more warmth, sensitivity, or creativity,” the dream expert previously told Elite Daily. “It's actually very common to have a girl-on-girl dream during pregnancy because, for some, there is nothing more feminine than carrying and giving life.”
Whether or not you think sex with women is something you’d want to explore IRL, lesbian dreams and fantasies are incredibly common and have a lot to teach us about ourselves.
Gay Male Dreams
ShutterstockMuch like a lesbian dream might illuminate a desire for increased feminine energy, a gay male dream might be your subconscious expression of craving masculine energy.
“Dreams about a male partner — for a guy — are often all about being assertive and manly,” Loewenburg previously told Elite Daily. “These sort of dreams can happen when you’re bulking up, when you land a hot date, or get a promotion ... something that has caused you to really appreciate being a guy.”
Gay Dreams About Someone You Know
ShutterstockIf instead of a gorgeous, nameless stranger, your dreams are populated by an acquaintance, friend, or family member of the same gender, your brain could be telling you something important about your bond.
“If the partner in your dream is someone you may actually know, then you should first ask yourself if the two of you connected on some level recently, had a deep conversation, or just came to a certain understanding,” Loewenburg previously told Elite Daily.
No matter who’s in them or what you may be doing, gay sex dreams can be a source of anxiety for someone who identifies as straight — or someone who just isn’t totally sure about their sexuality at all.
“These dreams can certainly cause us to question our sexuality,” Loewenburg previously told Elite Daily. “But if other than the dream, you are certain you are straight, sex dreams may not be an actual indication of your desire. Most often, girl-on-girl or guy-on-guy dreams are really about the qualities you seek in a partner. The dreaming mind is very sexually fluid.”
Experts:
Luke Thao, MA, LMFTA (Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Associate)
Lauri Loewenburg, dream expert
Am I Gay? 5 Possible Meanings Of Gay Or Lesbian Sex Dreams
When I was 14, I had a particularly vivid gay dream about Helen Hunt.
I know, just go with me on this.
In the dream, she was teaching me how to play the piano, an instrument I have inexplicably always found to be very sexy (but probably because of that one scene in "Pretty Woman"). After I'd performed well, she leaned over and gave me a kiss.
I woke up frantic and confused.
I just had a lesbian sex dream even though I'm straight, I thought to myself.
What does that mean if I have gay dreams? Am I gay?
Because I am who I am, I told my mom in a stone-cold panic that one gay sex dream had turned me into a lesbian overnight (to say nothing of how my appreciation for "Mad About You" would be affected).
My mom, being of sound mind and body, rolled her eyes and told me to stop 1) eating so many weird midnight snacks, and 2) worrying about my sexual orientation.
She had a point, my friends. She had a point.
Because dreams aren't literal interpretations of reality, while it can be disconcerting to have a dream that flies in the face of what you know to be true about yourself, having gay or lesbian sex dreams doesn't mean your sexual orientation secretly changed from heterosexual to homosexual as you slept.
RELATED: What Is 'Heteroflexible'? What It Means To Identify As Heteroflexible
Gay Dreams: What do they mean?
1.
They may mean more about your emotions than your sexual desires.It is really, really easy to let our dreams have us convinced that the fact that we made out with the woman who does our hair means that we are secret lesbians, but that's not the case.
If you dreamed you made out with your own sister and are seeking psychological counseling, tap the brakes. The reason we have such intense feelings about dreams where we have a gay sex encounter is that the feeling in dreams are trying to convey something real about our emotions.
You might not have locked lips with the nun who taught you Latin anywhere but in last night's dream, but you may love her dearly for having had your back when you got caught making out with a boy behind the gym.
"Avoid a dream-dictionary, this-means-that approach to interpretation," says behavior specialist Gregg Levoy. "Dreams are far too subjective for that. Water, for instance, will mean something very different to someone who almost drowned as a kid than to someone who feels more at home in water than the fishes.
"
2. They may mean you have gender roles on the brain.
This might sound far-fetched, but the brain works in mysterious ways.
If you have been actively thinking about gender roles or actively subscribing to them in your daily life, it isn't rare to dream about having a sexual encounter with someone who shares your gender identity.
Did you recently nurse a friend through their illness? Have cooked a meal for your family? Did you just buy a cute pair of heels?
These distinctly "feminine" experiences are examples of embracing a specific gender identity — and how better could your brain help you celebrate than by showing you footage of yourself French kissing Angelina Jolie in your dreams?
4. They might mean you're pregnant.
By the same logic, if you're a woman who keeps having dreams about sex with other women, it might actually mean you are pregnant.
Dreams of having sex with another woman are commonly reported among pregnant women (and dreams of having sex with another man are also common among expectant fathers).
"Now that you're pregnant, you're going to be very focused on your body," sex therapist Sallie Foley reveals. "And your dreams may reflect the fact that you love the new life your body is creating. You're discovering that a woman's body is pleasurable, exciting, and powerful in ways you've never experienced before."
It makes sense if you believe that gay sex dreams are conjured by embracing your gender identity. What's more "female" than growing a human inside of you (in cisgender-normative terms, at least).
4. If you wake up from a gay or lesbian sex dream feeling uncomfortable, it could mean you're feeling insecure.
While dreams cannot predict the future, they can give you insight into the things that are currently on your mind.
"If you are uncomfortable with homosexuality in your dream," say the folks at Dream Moods, "then it suggests some fears or anxieties about your masculinity (if you are male) and femininity (if you are female). You may be experiencing some insecurity in your relations with the opposite sex.
"
5. They may mean you're questioning your sexual or gender orientation or identity.
You might live your waking life as a straight person, but not be an entirely straight person.
Sexuality is not black or white; it's not even or all gay or straight. There is a spectrum of human sexuality and gender, and not everyone feels certain where they fall along the continuum at every single stage of their life.
While having a gay sex dream in and of itself doesn't mean you are definitively gay, it could mean you've been giving some serious thought to your sexual orientation or gender identity.
That said, I once dreamed I was an eight-foot-tall owl terrorizing the streets of Brooklyn. I don't have unresolved owl issues; I just ate too much cheese that day.
RELATED: What I Learned After Coming Out As A Lesbian Later In Life
Common types of gay sex dreams people have:
1. The obvious gay sex dream — even when you're straight.
These dreams really just have a line of curiosity under them.
2. Exhibitionist sex dream.
These dreams usually occur as a fantasy or internal desire you want to be filled. Exhibitionists dreams can also occur when you are feeling sexually neglected by your partner.
3. Person you dislike sex dream.
These dreams happen because you don't like them. This person gets under your skin. The dream is a way for your subconscious to gain control or power over that person.
Related Stories From YourTango:
15 Common Ex-Boyfriend Dreams — And What They Really Mean
20 Common Dreams About Money & And What They All Mean
The 5 Most Sacred Dreams You Can Have — And What Each One Of Them Means
Whichever sex dream you had, it doesn't mean you are gay.
A straight person can have gay or lesbian fantasies and gay or lesbian sex dreams — and that still does not mean they are gay, lesbian, pansexual, bi... or anything else in particular. It means they are human beings.
If you're curious, here are some questions to ask yourself after having a gay sex dream:
1.
What happened in the dream?
2. How did the dream feel?
3. Who's the woman you're having sex with?
4. What does it feel like to be with her?
5. How does the sex go?
Like dreams of all kinds, gay and lesbian sex dreams have a variety of meanings, and I'm here to fill you in on five of the potential messages your brain may be trying to send you.
RELATED: What It Really Means When You Dream About Your Teeth Falling Out
More for You:
Rebecca Jane Stokes is a writer living in Brooklyn, New York with her cats, Batman and Margot. She's the Senior Editor of Pop Culture at Newsweek with a passion for lifestyle, geek news, and true crime.
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What does a gay dream about - the meaning of a gay dream according to the dream book
What does a gay dream about
Gay most often dreams on the eve of trouble. A conflict with the boss is likely, the failure of an important business transaction, the discovery of a major loss, the receipt of a subpoena, the loss of an additional source of income, or the exposure of the betrayal of a loved one.
Together with the events of the future, your hopes will fade.
Do not rush to give up. Draw conclusions from what happened and move towards new successes and achievements.
Gay according to the Modern Dream Book
Seeing homosexuals in a dream - such a dream means that you are in big trouble.
But if homosexuals do not disgust you, it means that troubles and hardships will bypass you.
A young woman to see a homosexual in a dream - to the betrayal of her beloved.
Participating in homosexual intercourse is a sign that you will be tormented by remorse.
If you dreamed that your son is a homosexual - this dream is a harbinger of the fact that your happiness will be broken by unexpected grief.
Gay according to the Eastern dream book
Homosexuals, blue - an unfavorable sign that warns of possible betrayals of loved ones.
Gay according to the Idiomatic dream book
Blue (homosexuals) for a person with a normal sexual orientation - when attempting sexual intimacy, such a meaning is possible to “lower”, humiliate, insult.
Gay according to the dream book for the whole family
Homosexual - you are in big trouble associated with the inability to keep your thoughts to yourself. Especially if a homosexual causes you persistent disgust.
If a homosexual flirts with you, it is likely that you yourself will break your own happiness with a rash act.
If you do not feel disgust towards a homosexual, all troubles and hardships will bypass you, you will be able to cope with your problems.
If you see yourself as a homosexual - fate gives you a sign that you will be tormented by remorse.
Gay according to V.Samokhvalov's Psychoanalytic dream book
Homosexuality - when the Ego is unable to realize its masculinity, it seeks it in the outside world. The passive homosexual psychically disguises himself as a woman to cover up the lack of masculinity in heterosexual relationships. By choosing and preferring the feminine aspect, the homosexual is prone, thereby, to the suppression of masculine characteristics in himself, which can later manifest themselves in an inferiority complex.
During the formation of homosexuality, expressed frustration is detected, which is overcome in displaced behavior, such as aggression. Homosexuality can be caused by a dominant mother and a submissive father. However, the homosexual no more than the heterosexual needs a connection with a man in order to cultivate the anima or the feminine in himself. On the whole, not a single man has passed the period of teenage homosexuality. Therefore, dreams of a homosexual nature may indicate a regression to the specified period. In addition, in a broad sense, homosexuality should include male / female friendship, a lower degree of trust in the opposite sex.
Suppression of heterosexuality - replacement of incest.
If an individual in a dream has a male role or traits of masculinity - a victory over an opponent.
If an individual plays a female role, depending on the context, either fear or desire for castration in order to assume a transsexual role.
Gay according to the 21st century dream book
Very often dreams about homosexuality mean unproductive work, useless connections and relationships.
A homosexual dreaming about you is a harbinger of troubles and obstacles; having an intimate relationship with him is a sign that you should reconsider your attitude to the surrounding reality.
In a dream, having some kind of affair with a lesbian, not necessarily sexual, means that a profitable commercial offer or a new job awaits you.
For a man to be a homosexual in a dream is a dream indicating that you suffer from mental loneliness, lack of communication or attention from the opposite sex.
Seeing your child as a homosexual or a lesbian in a dream is a sign that you have problems in the family, in particular, you devote little time to communicating with children.
For a woman to be a lesbian in a dream or to have a close relationship with her means that you yourself are to blame for your loneliness and lack of male attention.
If in a dream you communicate with a lesbian, discussing various issues with her or just chatting about life - such a dream can be a harbinger of good changes in your life that will make you think about the future; several interesting offers may appear at once, and you will not know what to choose.
To dream of several kissing lesbians means that you will soon face a serious test or you will find yourself in a situation where you will have to make a choice between what is beneficial for you and your conscience.
Gay according to Danilova's Erotic Dream Book
Blue perceived as deviations from the norms accepted in society, blue, appearing in a dream, symbolize an acute form of your rejection of the elements of reality. This dream indicates a high degree of your tension in relation to others. If you do not get out of mental balance, your mood and well-being will become much better. Your conflict relations with others have already crossed a certain line and threaten with quite tangible consequences, so try to calm down. Even if, in the words of Shakespeare, "something is rotten in the Kingdom of Denmark", do not try to turn the tide: act covertly, avoiding direct head-on collisions.
If you dreamed that you were gay, the dream means the following. Each person is partly characterized by a split personality, which is expressed in the fact that very often deep down you are completely different than you imagine yourself to others.
This duality can have dire consequences for your psyche. The suppression of spiritual impulses does not pass without a trace: being suppressed, they pass into the sphere of the unconscious, from where they sometimes make themselves felt in dreams and (in the worst case) in neuroses. The mask you put on interferes with life, leads to the fact that reality and illusion are mixed, and you are no longer able to distinguish truth from lies in yourself and in others. Relationships at home and at work are becoming more difficult and stressful day by day. You are completely entangled in the maze of everyday situations. You can remove the burden from your soul by tearing off the mask that hides your sincere feelings and emotions. Having done this, you, like the mythical Phoenix bird, will again be reborn from the ashes of non-existence into which you yourself have plunged. The harmonious existence of the conscious and the unconscious, which is the goal of all psychoanalytic practice, is inconceivable without a sincere desire of a person to know himself.
But if a dream informs you through its symbolism of the impossibility of continuing to wear a mask, you should listen to the voice coming from the other side of the spiritual world. Interestingly, the adjective “blue” has a sexual connotation only in Russian, while, for example, for the British and Americans, homosexuality is denoted by the word “gay”, that is, “cheerful”, and for the French by the word “pedal”.
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"Sooner or later people will ask why there is no girl" - Such things
“I hoped it was a brain fog”
Victor, 27, ambulance worker
I always wanted to make the world a better place, so I went into medicine.
I think it all started in childhood. We had cats in the basement of our house. And I brought them home for overexposure, and then love passed from animals to people. I was still tossing about, thinking maybe to go to the veterinary, but then I came to the conclusion that I could not understand animals, but yes, people.
The most difficult thing in the ambulance team is working day and night and injustice in the field of wages. I really love my job, I will never change it for anything, because in this life I can only save people. But it seems to me that it should be paid a little higher.
And our society treats us like a consumer. They can shoot you on video, say all sorts of nonsense ... You run from call to call, and people tell you: "I'm the boss here, you live on my money." You ask: “Are you at least officially working?” - "Not". Therefore, many take the easy path - go to a private clinic. There, patients do not yell at doctors.
Victor, 27 years old, works in the ambulance team Photo: Tatyana Tkacheva for TD
Sometimes drug addicts come across who demand ampoules of drugs.
They specifically call an ambulance - in the hope that they will get something. I don't know what they think. Somehow I came for an overdose. I went into the house, the crowd closed me in the room, one of them said: "If he does not get up, then you will lie down." My hands were shaking so much, I already killed myself in my thoughts. But in the end it turned out to return the person. The police came later. They asked me: “You didn’t get hurt?” No, I was not hurt, but I was very scared!
Noticed that the guys can't stand this job. We are mostly girls. The boys are whiners, and this is a very emotionally difficult job. Here you have to be strong not only physically, but also mentally.
When you work in an ambulance, you have little time for your personal life, so most of my friends are colleagues. Sooner or later, people will still ask: why don't you have a girlfriend? At first, you can laugh it off, and then, when you constantly relax together, it will no longer work.
First, of course, you break through the ground: you throw people some LGBT topics, look at the reaction.
If they are loyal, then you tell. So it turned out that over time, many at work began to know about my orientation. And nothing bad happened.
It seems to me that if a person works in medicine, then he has a simpler attitude to this, because he has an idea that people are different, that a different orientation is not a psychiatric diagnosis.
Including we go to calls to different people. You will not come to the challenge and will not save a person, because he has a different orientation.
Victor, 27 years old, works in the ambulance team
Tatyana Tkacheva for TD
I remember one case. It was my first night on the ER. We came to the man, I measure the pressure, and he says: “Guys, I have it there ... Well, the candle is in the ass.” At first we thought that he was talking about a hemorrhoid candle ... The partner asked him to show what kind of candle. This man took out a candle 20 centimeters from the box.
He then said that he had a date with a believing guy.
But I was struck by the fact that he was married. There, in the atmosphere of the apartment, everything hinted at it. Such embarrassment can occur due to severe stress. Apparently, he was very afraid of something. There was some kind of romantic dinner, and something went wrong.
I thought: when did I first realize that I had a different orientation? It probably happened at the age of ten, when we came to visit our grandparents. There I met a boy, and I wanted to walk with him. I just thought I had some wrong thoughts. It’s a strange feeling: you try to forget everything, it doesn’t work, you think - maybe discuss it with someone, suddenly there are people who also have this, but you keep everything in yourself - you’re kind of afraid.
But then, at the age of fifteen, when the Internet became available, I found a gay forum. And I slept in the history of the browser in front of my brother and sister - there was one computer for everyone ( laughs ).
He excused himself, said that he had made a mistake with the site.
When I turned 18, I decided to try: I met a guy, he was 30 years old, he told me everything, explained it. I remember that after the first sex I had self-loathing, but at the same time some kind of obsession appeared - I wanted to again. Met another guy. We were with him for about six months.
I met Leroy when I entered the institute. From the first day we met, she began to show interest in me. Immediately offered to sit at the same desk. And somehow we quarreled with her. I had a friendly attitude towards her, but at some point I still decided to try - to start dating her. I had some kind of struggle inside. I probably still hoped that all of a sudden everything that happened before was all a lie, some kind of clouding of reason. And now I will have a relationship with a girl, like everyone else.
Victor, 27 years old, works in the ambulance team
Tatyana Tkacheva for TD
We met for two and a half years.
And all this time I understood that nothing came of it. Everything was not right, even at the level of touch. I don't know how to properly express it. You could probably say that I cheated on her. And this only made it worse. Then questions arose: how to tell her about everything? I was going to move to another city for a while. I decided to tell Lera everything before leaving. She started hysterical, and I thought it was even good: she is angry with me, the relationship is over.
But then everything went very differently! Before my return, she wrote me something like: “Hi, are you coming today? Let me meet you." I was very surprised, so I asked if she even remembered what I said to her before leaving. And Lera answered me that yes, she remembers that she thought about everything and accepted me like that.
To be honest, I was happy with this answer because it meant that we could be friends. As a result, I return to the city, she meets me, we stopped by, I left my things, and went for a walk.
And that's where it started...
Lera openly told me that yes, she understands everything, but what is my future? How will I be in my old age? This is life without children, you always have to hide from everyone. How will my mother react to this? Have I thought about it? She began to impose all this on me, as if I had never been visited by such questions. And then she said that if I change my mind, she will be there.
But I was already attuned - no, I understood everything about myself. Leroy and I remained friends, we still see each other, we communicate. She has a husband and recently had a baby. She seems to be happy. But almost every time we meet, she asks me if I found myself a girlfriend. And I still don't know how to react to it. The feeling that she really lives on the principle of "everything will pass."
After Lera, I had a relationship with a guy. We lived together, but there was a strong fear in him that everyone would find out about it. It got to the point that we went into the apartment with a thirty-minute break: first he, then me, or vice versa.
He said that he did not want to burn himself in front of the neighbors. And it infuriated me: let the neighbors sort out their apartment. We don't go to them. And these situations, when you are forbidden to hold hands in the elevator (suddenly someone will come in) and all that, it somehow brought our relationship to naught. I no longer liked this model.
Victor, 27 years old, works in the ambulance team Photo: Tatyana Tkacheva for TD
Now I don't have a boyfriend, it's hard to arrange my personal life with my job. But, when I find a loved one with whom I want to spend my life, in whom I will be sure, I will tell my parents about my orientation. I think they will. Of course, not immediately, it will take time. It will just be easier for me to open up to my parents when there is a partner nearby who will support me.
I think nothing should be imposed on people. In the USA, for example, there is a feeling that the society is directly forced to love LGBT people.
This creates hatred. So this is not what you need to do. You just have to accept that everyone has their own choice. And that's it. And then it will be easier for LGBT people themselves to accept themselves.
“I thought about how I would live with her and cheat with guys”
Slava, 21 years old, journalist
I was born in an ordinary family in which they never talked about LGBT people. But already at the age of five I realized that I was attracted to boys. I didn't know what it was called and tried not to take it seriously. I was sure that it would pass, but it was not clear to me where and why such thoughts come from.
At the age of thirteen I began to correspond with girls, to get acquainted. At the age of fifteen, the first relationship appeared. With girl. We walked, kissed, but sexual contact - not only with her, with girls in general - I could not imagine.
Slava, 21 years old, journalist Photo: Tatyana Tkacheva for Trade House
During a relationship, I met a straight guy, we began to communicate with him.
And it so happened that I began to devote a lot of time to him. For example, my name is a girl walking and he - I choose him. I didn't understand why, but it seemed very strange to me. If we did not see each other, I demanded communication from him. My persistence scared him away. And we stopped seeing each other at all.
Then I realized that he was my first love. With the girl, of course, we broke up. Then I met another guy. And we started dating. It was a relationship without a sexual life, we walked and kissed in the forest and porches. Of course, I always had to hide. The town in which we grew up is too small, everyone knows each other, rumors spread quickly. But then I thought: what am I doing, I'm not gay, I need to start dating a girl.
We met Sonya for a year and a half, but we didn't have sexual contact with her either. I was always afraid of this, I avoided such closeness in every possible way, but she wanted to live with me, offered to move in together ... It scared me so much, I took all these conversations to the background.
And somehow I registered on a dating site for gays. I did not even think then that I was deceiving a person. She plans for me, loves me, supports me, and I know that I can’t give her what she wants, but I still continue this relationship.
I even thought about how I would live with her and cheat on her with guys. Such plans began to frighten me, but I constantly thought about it. Fortunately, Sonya and I had a fight for some idiotic reason and broke up. We have had this happen often. But somehow I quickly met a guy, we began to communicate, then everything quickly grew into a relationship ... And then Sonya showed up in the hope of reconciliation. I no longer began to hide anything, openly said that I have a boyfriend. And she didn't believe me. She wrote: Are you serious?
Slava, 21 years old, journalist
Tatyana Tkacheva for Trade House
After some time I called Sonya to a birthday party, where I introduced her to my boyfriend.
I, of course, was also a fool. I thought that she would understand everything and we would remain friends. At the end of the party, she hugged me tightly and left. Then she wrote: “Are we sure we can’t be together?”
I know that Sonya is now going to a psychologist. And I still have some kind of guilt that I deceived her for so long.
All my relatives and friends know about my orientation. Mom met my boyfriend, we even have a common conversation on WhatsApp. My grandparents also know everything, but for them, it seems to me, the most important thing is that I be healthy. But somehow I saw in the mobile history of the browser that the grandmother scored on the Internet “What to do if your grandson is gay” ( laughs ).
I remember when my best friend found out about this, she asked: “Why didn't you tell me about this before? I actually knew everything, or rather guessed. I was surprised.
Everyone reacted well, except for the father. I once put an LGBT flag on my Instagram profile.
He saw questions. I said that I was doing a text about LGBT and decided to express my tolerance like this, and he replied that he had already asked my girlfriend (I wonder which one, I had a hundred of them then) and she said that I was gay. And it began: “How could you become like this?” I just blocked him, that's all. When drunk, he writes to his mother that he wants to communicate with me. And then he sobers up, and it disappears.
There was another situation. A friend of mine asked me jokingly who plays the role of wife in our relationship. She asked this and giggled. I said it was a stupid question and that I didn't find it funny at all. Such topics annoy me, I can’t understand why people here think that in same-sex relationships someone plays the role of a woman, and someone plays the role of a man? It's not like that at all.
Our people think in a stereotyped way. Gays are those who make up brightly, and lesbians are always bald and rude. Of course, if a fifty-year-old aunt wants to know what gays look like and googles, most likely, she will be shown a conditional Andrey Petrov.
And this will be enough for her, only this image will pop up with the word “gay” for her. But it's not.
Slava, 21 years old, journalist Photo: Tatyana Tkacheva for TD
I also don't read comments under posts about LGBT people, they offend me. This is terrible, because a child cannot be born a homophobe, he cannot hate gays and lesbians - this is all the upbringing of parents. And it offends me that in our time there are people who think that this is not normal, that orientation can be imposed. Here I told you my story. How could all this be imposed? I would probably be happy to be born heterosexual, because I understand what kind of society I live in.
When I walk in the park in my hometown, I get scared. I go with pepper spray. Sometimes people who studied at my school shout my last name, and I walk past and don't look back. Because if I look back, I'll give them a reason. And gays are not protected in any way. If you go to the police and say that you were beaten in the street because you are gay, they will beat you even harder.
It seems that in Russia they pretend that we do not exist.
"I hugged her, but I didn't even want to kiss"
Adam, 29 years old, artist, photographer
I was born in Chechnya, in a Muslim family. Thoughts that I like men began to appear at the age of thirteen or fourteen. Because of such fantasies, I did not see life. I often prayed for everything to go away.
I tried not to think about it, because when I thought, I got depressed. I began to ask myself: how can I live with this later? Naturally, there was no one in Chechnya to talk about this with. Then social networks appeared, I began to get acquainted and communicate on the Internet. That's when I realized that it was... that it was inevitable.
Adam, 29 years old, artist, photographer Photo: Tatyana Tkacheva for TD
I tried to meet girls. Somehow I had a relationship. I talked to her, but I realized that I was not drawn to her.
And I kept thinking: but then people have to get married? And I could not imagine that we would ever get married, that I would have to come into contact with her. I have always had such a problem: it is impossible for me to even imagine how I kiss, hug a girl. And male people - no problem.
The girl and I dated for six months, and then we just stopped talking, without explaining anything to each other. Probably, everything serious was gone from her side, but from mine she never felt any return.
Adam, 29 years old, artist, photographer
Tatyana Tkacheva for TD
After some time, I already tried to date a guy (we had a relationship at a distance, we met in different cities, it was very inconvenient, and communication ended quickly ) - once again I decided to overcome everything in myself. I went to the forum and met a girl there. Apparently, she really liked me. And it was clear that she wanted more.
I hugged her, but I didn't even want to kiss. Again the same thoughts. Then we met again in another city. I wanted to check: suddenly time passed, everything changed. But each time such attempts ended in nothing.
I didn't get to know guys from the Caucasus on the websites, I started talking when the whole country found out that gays were being caught in Chechnya. I know that some people said that this did not happen, someone gave examples that once for a very long time we had a neighbor about whom everyone knew that he did not like women, but no one did anything to him.
Adam, 29 years old, artist, photographer
Tatyana Tkacheva for TD
Chechnya is a very religious republic. Same-sex relationships from a religious standpoint are very bad. You will burn in hell if you are gay. And it's not normal at all. And very religious people even consider it an achievement if they do something to you, even kill you.
That's how they save you.
If you somehow stand out, you may already be in trouble. Even the slightest moment in clothing or hair makes you stand out in Chechnya. There were situations when people in uniform got to the bottom of me because of a sweater that was too long. They asked: “Who are you? Are you a Chechen? I said no. And then they calmly let me go.
Adam, 29 years old, artist, photographer
Tatyana Tkacheva for TD
There was a moment when my friend and I were at the mosque, cherry blossoms, and I decided to take a picture of it. At that moment, we were kind of fooling around ... And the peepsman called us. He also began to dig into us. We said that we came from Moscow. He was immediately so delighted, asked how we are here - do we like it? You see, in order to somehow feel safe, I had to say that I was a visitor.
Now everything is fine with me, I have accepted myself, I live in another European country with a boyfriend.
Here, of course, there are also many homophobes - just among the newcomers, the same Chechens. The local population treats gays normally.
Adam, 29 years old, artist, photographer Photo: Tatyana Tkacheva for TD
Speaking of faith, I am more of a Muslim. But religion tells me: if I believe, then I should not be gay. And I seem to close my eyes to this, because I want to be who I am.
“It was worse for her that her husband left for a guy”
Andrei, 41, works in real estate and advertising there was then information and opportunities to read and find out what it is. The only thing was when I moved to a big city to study, I saw the newspaper "Komok", there was a heading "He is looking for him", but I myself never wrote there. I must have suppressed it myself. Although I had a friend, we still communicate with him, who was in the subject (gay. - Note TD ), but I never talked to him about it.
At the institute I was more interested in studying.
In high school, of course, I had a girl. We met for about a year. And that's it.
Andrey, 41, works in real estate and advertising Photo: Tatyana Tkacheva for Trade House
When I graduated from the institute, I went to work. And there I already liked my colleague. She was in a relationship, but I still looked after her: gave flowers, brought sweets. And at one point at the corporate party, something happened to us ( laughs ). But we didn't meet. We just talked. Then she broke up with the guy, and it so happened that she had nowhere to live. I offered to move in with me - anyway, one room was empty. We began to live together. Relations began.
The following model was built in my head: I studied at school, at the institute, went to work, then I should get married and give birth to a child. And then you will be happy. And the thoughts about the guys ... they were at the level of thoughts about flying into space: it is theoretically possible, but it will not come true.
We lived with a girl for a year and were married for about a year and a half. And then I realized that happiness does not work like that. Somehow she went to visit her parents, I got on a dating site and began to chat with the guys.
I was 33 years old when I realized that I did not want to continue living in restrictions. At that time, my wife and I were planning children, but it did not work out. I began to realize: if we have a child, I will not live in a family for the sake of him. And I went to the guy.
I had a desire to tell her the truth. But somehow she told me that she did not think that I could leave her at all. And I thought that it would be even worse for her, or something, if she finds out that her husband left her for a guy. There are people who can understand this, but then she did not perceive the information, she was in some kind of terrible depression. But, if she had asked me this directly, I would have answered honestly.
She recently got married and had a baby.
We congratulate each other on holidays.
Andrey, 41, works in real estate and advertising
Tatyana Tkacheva for Trade House
If I had the opportunity, I would still not change anything in my past. Everything in our life is done for the sake of experience. If I had not done this, I might not have understood much. I noticed that I often experience both in life. I was married and went to the guy. We lived with him for two and a half years, and then he told me: "I want to find a woman, have a baby and experience happiness in a full-fledged family." And he packed his things and left for another city.
People often ask the question, "Why is that?" I did it too. But then I asked myself: why do I need this situation? And I realized: I am now experiencing what my ex-wife experienced.
After the divorce, my mother asked me when I would get married again. But at one point I told her that I live with a guy, and not just rent a room from him.
And she said, "I got it, thanks for telling me." She also said the following phrase: “The main thing is that you are happy and everything is fine with you.”
The sister also reacted normally, but then she offered to do something about it, for example, go to the grandmother ( laughs ). Now she has already reconciled, she has two sons. Only she and her husband do not let their nephews come to us at night, that is, I can sit with them, take a walk, but I can’t spend more time, invite them to visit me. This is their right, I just accepted it.
I'm thinking about children, but I don't want to be called a father just for the sake of it. I would like to raise a child. We would like Vlad and I (Andrei's partner - Note TD ) to have a child, but we live in Russia. It is impossible for us to do this here. Even adopting a child is already going to be a bunch of questions.
A few years ago we went to Paris - we were sitting near the exhibition center, there were a lot of people.
