Love has no conditions
Unconditional Love: How To Give It & Know If It's Healthy
What is unconditional love?
The term unconditional love does not mean love without limits or bounds. It means, "I offer you my love freely without condition." This means that when we offer our love, we offer it without expectation of repayment. It is important to offer this type of unconditional love in our relationships. Otherwise, we are offering love with "strings attached." This creates power and control imbalances.
Unconditional love means loving someone through hardships, mistakes, and frustrations. In fact, it is what every meaningful, lasting relationship is made of. When we enter relationships with other people, we are entering relationships with another human being—a person full of quirks and flaws and challenges. And we also show our own quirks and flaws and challenges. One of the most beautiful experiences in human life is learning to lean into the tension of those challenges by offering connection, love, and understanding and by accepting influence, creating compromise, and moving forward in a way in which both people win.
What
conditional love looks like.We often think of parents' love for their children as unconditional love (i.e., a parent often loves their child no matter what). In truth, we do at times see this type of "strings attached" love presented in parent-child relationships just as readily as it might be in a romantic relationship. A parent provides a certain amount of love to their child and expects some sort of return on their investment.
This "conditional love" might sound like:
- "I always gave you so much love, and this is the thanks I get?"
- "Your father and I wanted you to become a doctor. We did everything for you, and now we are disappointed with your choice to be an artist."
- "I cannot believe that is who you are marrying! I would think you'd respect me more than that after all of the love I gave you."
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In the above examples, the parent is not offering unconditional love; rather, they are offering love that is contingent on the child fulfilling certain conditions. There is a ledger, and the child owes a debt. This makes for a very unhappy and disconnected relationship, or even a toxic family relationship.
Is unconditional love healthy?
It is healthy to offer your love without strings attached. Otherwise, we are not truly loving the other person. Rather, we are using affection as a tool to control.
It is not healthy to offer love without boundaries.
Our relationships require basic expectations to be fulfilled—kindness, respect, and safety. When these are not fulfilled, we might have to set hard boundaries. These boundaries might look like distancing oneself or cutting off entirely. If you do cut off, it does not mean that you offered your love with conditions. Remember, your love did not make them indebted to you. They do not owe you anything.
But you do owe yourself safety, respect, and kindness. You can walk away from people that you've loved very much in order to take care of your own needs and safety.
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The problem with love without boundaries.
Love without boundaries can lead to unhappiness at least and abuse at worst1. If we do not let our partners, parents, children, and friends know where we stand in terms of how we expect and need to be treated, then we will not have an equal voice in the relationship.
Sometimes, we ignore these needs for boundaries in the name of "unconditional love." However, in those moments, we are not offering unconditional love. We are offering codependent love. In codependent relationships, we are so set on maintaining the dynamics in the relationships that we excuse or enable unacceptable behavior. Again, this leads us to a place of unbalanced power and control rather than into a place of truly connected love in which we offer each person an opportunity to be responsible for their behavior with us.
There's a distinct line between loving someone through the hardships vs. accepting unacceptable behavior. The latter becomes apparent when the relationship is no longer offering the basic needs of a relationship. If someone has harmed you and they are not willing to repair it, then you need to set a limit for your own well-being. If you find that the relationship has devolved into behavior that lacks kindness and respect, then it's likely that a boundary needs to be set. This is especially true if you have tried to communicate clearly and still see no change. If you are enabling the person in a way that negatively affects your well-being, that isn't unconditional love—it's unhealthy, codependent love.
Unconditional love still involves healthy boundaries.
While we can offer unconditional love to others (even when they are being difficult), we don't have to offer love without bounds. You can offer love that has no strings attached while still having boundaries.
Unconditional love with healthy boundaries might look like:
- "I love you and support you no matter what. However, we no longer have the finances to help you with your bills."
- "I love you, and I have to take space from you when you speak to me that way."
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Unconditional love is not a binding contract.
Unconditional love gets muddied when we believe that we have to continually offer that love even when basic relational expectations are no longer being fulfilled. Unconditional love means "right now, I offer you this love, and you are not indebted to me." It does not mean "I offer you this love, exactly in this way, forever, even if you start to harm me."
For example, let's take a healthy relationship in which a couple is offering each other the basic and necessary expectations in a relationship—kindness, respect, and safety.
And then, that changes—one person goes through something and begins to treat their partner with disrespect or cruelty. When that changes, you can choose to put boundaries in place or distance yourself. This doesn't mean your love hasn't been unconditional. In this case, you offered your love freely as long as you could, and then in the moment you needed to care for yourself, you set healthy boundaries.
Unconditional love means offering love without conditions in that moment. It does not necessarily mean forever. It means, "The love I am giving you right now is yours to keep. I am doing it of my own free will. You owe me nothing in return." When we love this way, we are offering true love—the type of love that allows others to be who they are. It also is the type of love that allows us to continually reassess the relationship and decide, over time, if it is still working for us and if we are still able to give our love so freely.
How to love someone unconditionally.
The word unconditional can sometimes create confusion or lead us to place unrealistic expectations on ourselves and the way we love. If it's easier, consider instead the idea of wholehearted love. Wholehearted loving means leaning into the vulnerability of offering our love because we want to offer it. Offering our love in this way means that we give it because it feels good to give it and not because we expect a particular outcome. Wholehearted love also acknowledges and prioritizes the wholeness of both the people. To give wholehearted love, you must love your partner and yourself wholly.
You will know it is wholehearted love when both people are willing to enter with their whole heart. When each person has a voice. When challenges are reflected upon. When growth happens. When there is no scoreboard because you are on the same team and not on opposing teams.
You will know it is not wholehearted love if there are strings attached, debts owed, and boundaries violated.
You will especially know when you find that the basic expectations of love, kindness, and safety are not being respected.
If you're wondering what that kind of love looks like in practice, here are a few ways to love wholeheartedly:
- Pay attention to your offerings of love. Are you expecting a certain reaction? Are you offering it to receive something now or later? Has the person become indebted to you? Push yourself to offer love just because.
- Learn to accept and value influence. Wholehearted loving means that we believe our partner, child, friend, or parent has something of value to think, feel, or share. Work toward being influenced by them.
- Be transparent. Offer transparency in your interactions. Let people know what you expect. Allow people the opportunity to be successful for you.
- Learn to listen. Being a good listener is a lot more than "hearing"—it means that you truly integrate what the person is saying and show curiosity toward learning more.
- Notice the dynamics of control and nip them in the bud. Pay attention to the dynamics of control in your relationship. When you get into tension, is there an underlying motive? Are your conflicts the result of unstated needs?
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1 Sources
1.
https://psycnet.apa.org/record/2015-44863-001
Unconditional Love: What It Is and How to Find It
There’s no better feeling than loving someone or being loved. However, is it possible to love freely and without condition?
Unconditional Love, the selfless act of loving someone with full acceptance and without expecting anything in return. You might equate this type of love with the love you have for your parents or your children. You may associate it with the couples you see in a romantic movie or hear about it in a love song on the radio.
Wanting unconditional love is an understandable desire that you may seek. However, is this something attainable in real life or is it just in the fairytales?
Gaining a deeper understanding of what unconditional love is (and isn’t) may help you find a healthy connection in your own life.
Unconditional love is when you love someone no matter what they do and have no expectation of repayment. It means you love someone for who they are, with no strings attached.
This simple act of loving someone unconditionally without any concern of how it may benefit you may activate the same parts of the brain that lights up when you show romantic and maternal love according to 2009 research.
In other words, unconditional love can benefit you even though you’re not expecting anything in return when giving love to others.
Signs of unconditional love
There are some clear signs that may help you recognize whether it’s un unconditional love or not. David Tzall, a licensed psychologist residing in New York City says to look out for these telltale signs.
- You’re accepted for your faults without a desire to change you.
- Your needs are paramount and viewed as valid.
- The other person does not try to make you feel small.
- The relationship is reciprocal and not transactional.
Unconditional love can be good for you. Research from 2021 has found that both giving and receiving love can play a crucial role in your psychological well-being, especially later in life.
Research from 2010 suggests receiving unconditional love can also have an impact on your emotional well-being. Findings indicate that children who receive high levels of nurture and love from their parents at a young age tend to have less distress in adulthood as well as fewer mental health symptoms.
Unconditional love can also provide a sense of security. “You are free to be yourself and express your needs without fear of judgment,” explains Tzall. You know someone is on your side and looking out for your best interests. You’re also secure that they won’t leave during rough times.
“Unconditional love promotes trust, and trust and security go hand in hand.”
Healthy unconditional love can exist, says Tzall. It may be seen in the form of support while still having boundaries, such as “I love you and support you no matter what. However, I cannot continue to help you if you don’t get help for your addiction.”
Unconditional love can also be unhealthy if it exists without boundaries. Feelings of love can sometimes cause us to be blind to what’s really going on. If you are showing someone unconditional love, but there is no mutual care and respect in that relationship, this is unhealthy unconditional love, explains Tzall.
Loving unconditionally requires reciprocity. While it may feel great to offer love to someone without expectations, it can also lead to feelings of depletion. It’s important not to neglect your own needs, while love may require some sacrifice, you shouldn’t give up everything for others.
You should also ensure that your person deserves your love.
If someone treats you unkindly or is abusive, continuing to give unconditional love to that person can be damaging.
It’s important to have some level of expectation for others, even if that expectation is as simple as being treated kindly. This can protect you and ensure you are giving your love to the right people.
If you’ve never received unconditional love, then it may be hard to give it. However, some strategies can help you learn to love wholeheartedly.
Give yourself love first
Finding unconditional love starts with caring about yourself first and practicing self-acceptance, says Tzall. “It can be challenging to accept a deep love of another if you do not give yourself enough grace.”
Additionally, if you don’t love yourself first, you may be more likely to accept toxic love into your life because you don’t recognize what you truly deserve. When you know who you are and what your needs are, and develop a sense of self-worth, healthy unconditional love is more likely to find you.
Once you understand this, you’ll be better able to discern between healthy and unhealthy love and accept unconditional love when it arrives rather than searching for it.
Practice unconditional love
Practice how to love without wanting anything in return. Each day, do something for someone else with no strings attached. It can be telling someone you love them without waiting for them to respond or letting someone in while in a traffic jam without expecting a wave of thank you.
This simple act will not only give you pleasure but help you learn how to give unconditional love.
Learn how you express your love
Loving unconditionally is not just how you feel, but how you act. Pay attention to how you express your love to others. If you feel like the other person owes you something, then you are not loving them unconditionally.
Unconditional love is a type of love that exists without bounds. However, to love freely and without condition, you must also love without the expectation of repayment.
When you think of unconditional love, you may think of the love a parent has for a child or the romantic love that you see in a movie. This type of love accepts you and doesn’t try and change you. It doesn’t make you feel small and is reciprocated.
Unconditional love can be healthy and good for you as long as it has boundaries. It can be good for your psychological and emotional well-being. It can also be unhealthy when it exists without boundaries.
Finding unconditional love starts with giving yourself love first. Practicing loving without expectation, along with paying attention to how you express love to others may help you find unconditional love in your life.
If you’ve never received or given unconditional love before and want to dig deeper into exploring love and relationships, then you may benefit from speaking with a mental health professional.
True love has no conditions. Is your love real?
True love does not impose conditions. Is your love real? How to find the key to a man or a woman [30 universal tricks from the master of communication]WikiReading
How to find the key to a man or a woman [30 universal tricks from the master of communication]
Bolshakova Larisa
Contents
True love has no conditions.
Is your love real?
The concept of unconditional love was first introduced by the German psychologist and psychoanalyst Erich Fromm.
Unconditional love is love that does not depend on anything and does not impose any conditions.
In other words, unconditional love is when one loves not for something, but simply because this person is who he is, exists in the world. It is not difficult to understand that unconditional love is very different from conditional love , that is, depending on certain conditions. Parents often teach their children to conditional love, telling them: “If you are obedient, I will love you,” “If you study well, I will love you,” etc.
brought up the same way! This is the universal misfortune of humanity - the substitution of true, unconditional love for fake, conditional love.
Conditional love, unfortunately, prevails in human society. Let's not take such extreme cases when people get married and get married for convenience, out of purely selfish motives.
But even in families that were originally created for love - the most real, big and pure love and often unconditional love! - over time, conditional love also begins to assert its rights, depending on the circumstances, actions, behavior of each of the spouses, and much more.
If unconditional love is reborn into conditional love, this is, in fact, the end of love, and the reasons and conditions for falling out of love with each other will always be found if unconditional love is replaced by conditional.
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Love without conditions | Hidden Treasure
“The person you love in me is certainly better than me, I'm not like that.
But you love, and I will try to be better than myself»
М.М. Prishvin.
Tell me, do you love your child? “Strange question,” you might be thinking. Do you love your child unconditionally? It is not clear what it is? Let's figure it out.
Unconditional love means loving a child no matter what. Regardless of his shortcomings and merits, regardless of what we expect from him, and, the most difficult thing, regardless of his behavior. This, of course, does not mean that we always have to like his actions. Unconditional love means that we still love the child, even at the time when we condemn his behavior. “He does not love who does not always love,” said Aristotle.
Of course, unconditional love is an ideal that we will never reach one hundred percent. But still, the closer we are to him, the more satisfied and happy our child will be. The child's need for love is satisfied when we tell him that he is dear to us, needed, important, that he is just good.
Such messages are contained in friendly looks, affectionate touches, in direct words: “It's good that we have you!”, “I like you, I feel good when we are together!”
Such signs of unconditional love are necessary for a child, like food for a growing organism. They feed him emotionally, help him develop psychologically. If he does not receive these signs, then an emotional problem appears, a deviation in behavior, and even neuropsychiatric diseases. The mother of a five-year-old girl, having discovered symptoms of neurosis in her daughter, went to the doctor. In the conversation it turned out that one day the daughter asked:
— Mom, what was the biggest problem you and dad had before I was born?
— Why do you ask like that? mother was surprised.
— But then I became your biggest trouble, — the girl answered.
Let's try to imagine how many dozens of times the little girl heard that she was bad, annoying everyone, a real punishment and the like, before coming to such a conclusion.
As a result, everything experienced was embodied in her neurosis. A child can be compared to a mirror. It reflects rather than radiates love. If you give him love, he returns it, if you don’t give anything, then you won’t get anything in return. Unconditional love reflects unconditionally! Love with conditions will be reflected in the same love with reservations.
A quiet and obedient child grew up in one family, but gradually he turned into an unbridled, uncontrollable teenager who abandoned school and old friends. New friends involved him in unpleasant stories, so that his parents even had to seek help from psychologists. How did all this happen? After all, parents tried to do everything for their child. The fact is that parents gave love to their son when he deserved praise and deprived him of love in all other cases. Perhaps this method worked when the child was small. But as he got older, he began to feel that his parents didn't really love him, didn't recognize him for any rights, and only cared about being respected.
In adolescence, the son chose the same tactics in relation to his parents. As a result, depression, alienation and bitterness settled in the family. Unfortunately, this example is not the only one. Today, many children do not feel truly loved in the family. So how do you show your love for your child?
Children are creatures that communicate through emotions. Children have an uncanny ability to read our feelings from our behavior. Therefore, if we want them to know how we feel about them, that we love them, we must show our love through our actions. We invite you to do a little experiment. Observe yourself during the day and try to count how many times you turned to the child with emotionally positive statements, with joyful greetings, approval, support, and how many with negative ones, with reproaches, censures, criticism? If the number of negative statements is greater than or equal to the number of positive ones, the situation needs to be changed. Replace negative statements with positive ones.
