What to do when you feel left out with friends

SAMHSA’s National Helpline | SAMHSA

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SAMHSA’s National Helpline is a free, confidential, 24/7, 365-day-a-year treatment referral and information service (in English and Spanish) for individuals and families facing mental and/or substance use disorders.
Also visit the online treatment locator.

SAMHSA’s National Helpline, 1-800-662-HELP (4357) (also known as the Treatment Referral Routing Service), or TTY: 1-800-487-4889 is a confidential, free, 24-hour-a-day, 365-day-a-year, information service, in English and Spanish, for individuals and family members facing mental and/or substance use disorders. This service provides referrals to local treatment facilities, support groups, and community-based organizations.

Also visit the online treatment locator, or send your zip code via text message: 435748 (HELP4U) to find help near you. Read more about the HELP4U text messaging service.

The service is open 24/7, 365 days a year.

English and Spanish are available if you select the option to speak with a national representative. Currently, the 435748 (HELP4U) text messaging service is only available in English.

In 2020, the Helpline received 833,598 calls. This is a 27 percent increase from 2019, when the Helpline received a total of 656,953 calls for the year.

The referral service is free of charge. If you have no insurance or are underinsured, we will refer you to your state office, which is responsible for state-funded treatment programs. In addition, we can often refer you to facilities that charge on a sliding fee scale or accept Medicare or Medicaid. If you have health insurance, you are encouraged to contact your insurer for a list of participating health care providers and facilities.

The service is confidential. We will not ask you for any personal information. We may ask for your zip code or other pertinent geographic information in order to track calls being routed to other offices or to accurately identify the local resources appropriate to your needs.

No, we do not provide counseling. Trained information specialists answer calls, transfer callers to state services or other appropriate intake centers in their states, and connect them with local assistance and support.

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Last Updated: 08/30/2022

SAMHSA Behavioral Health Treatment Services Locator

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Welcome to the Behavioral Health Treatment Services Locator, a confidential and anonymous source of information for persons seeking treatment facilities in the United States or U.S. Territories for substance use/addiction and/or mental health problems.

PLEASE NOTE: Your personal information and the search criteria you enter into the Locator is secure and anonymous. SAMHSA does not collect or maintain any information you provide.

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Millions of Americans have a substance use disorder. Find a treatment facility near you.
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The Locator is authorized by the 21st Century Cures Act (Public Law 114-255, Section 9006; 42 U.S.C. 290bb-36d). SAMHSA endeavors to keep the Locator current. All information in the Locator is updated annually from facility responses to SAMHSA’s National Substance Use and Mental Health Services Survey (N-SUMHSS). New facilities that have completed an abbreviated survey and met all the qualifications are added monthly. Updates to facility names, addresses, telephone numbers, and services are made weekly for facilities informing SAMHSA of changes. Facilities may request additions or changes to their information by sending an e-mail to [email protected], by calling the BHSIS Project Office at 1-833-888-1553 (Mon-Fri 8-6 ET), or by electronic form submission using the Locator online application form (intended for additions of new facilities).

I feel superfluous | PSYCHOLOGIES

136,240

Knowing Yourself A Man among People

“I feel out of place”, “no one is happy with me” - someone who constantly feels rejected, is distrustful of contacts with other people. The slightest inattention on their part makes you feel helpless again and again. “Once having experienced this painful feeling, such a person unconsciously expects that everything will happen again: he will be betrayed, abandoned,” explains existential psychotherapist Svetlana Krivtsova. nine0003

Trying to avoid such a development of events, each time he tests the strength of the relationship and, as a result, he remains alone again. “Trying to arouse interest in himself, to please him, he gradually becomes dependent on the opinions and assessments of other people,” continues Svetlana Krivtsova, “and his suspiciousness simply exhausts those who are nearby. Relationships become formal, often full of hostility, and eventually end.” To live in constant expectation of a break is to provoke a break.

Child injury

“When I was four, my older brother became seriously ill and my mother sent me to stay with my grandmother for a few months,” says 29-year-old Yaroslav. “I was very worried: it seemed to me that I behaved so badly that my mother had to abandon me.”

The fear of being abandoned first appears in childhood and is usually associated with sudden (often prolonged) separation from parents.

“Little children cannot understand the meaning of adults' actions and suffer from loneliness,” explains Svetlana Krivtsova. “The memory that you didn’t please your parents in some way and therefore turned out to be unnecessary remains for many years.” Those whom their parents really “abandoned” in childhood, without supporting them in a difficult situation, can also feel their abandonment. nine0003

“I am learning to talk about my feelings”

Valeriya, 33 years old

“I know well what it means to be unwanted. When my little sister was born, my mother quit her job to take care of it. Maybe my fears appeared then? I always felt that I was not with them. At school, too, no one wanted to be friends with me, and as a teenager, I was absolutely sure that I was unworthy of love. And indeed, no one paid attention to me, I was invisible.

At some point, the feeling of rejection became too painful, but it helped me to see myself from the outside: I turned out to be so closed, gloomy. Now I try to be more sociable, to speak more openly about my feelings, to articulate more clearly what worries me. Surprisingly, my loved ones now talk about restraint and vulnerability as the best features of my strong character. nine0003

Early sacrifices

Sometimes parents force a child very early to take on “adult” responsibilities, to sacrifice their interests in favor of a brother or sister, and the child grows up, confident that no one cares about him. “We feel the most severe pain in those moments when we experience our own worthlessness,” says Svetlana Krivtsova. “If they do this, it means that it is possible with me, it means that I am not worthy of another.” Feeling “worst of all”, building relationships with others is excruciatingly difficult. There are unconscious "filters" through which the growing child "reinterprets" the world in his own way ... and always not in his favor. nine0003

The ugly duckling

Some people are always preoccupied with adjusting their behavior to the expectations of others. “The reason is the feeling “I ended up here by chance, I am an ugly duckling among white swans,” explains psychoanalyst Marie-Dominique Linder. - This painful feeling is especially strong in adolescence. The teenager is trying with all his might to hide his dissimilarity so that his peers do not push him away, do not expel him from his company. Becoming an adult means overcoming this crisis and asserting yourself as a person. nine0003

What to do?

Understand the “history” of your feeling

Try to remember when the painful feeling of rejection first arose. What event changed your attitude towards yourself? Once you understand this, you can begin to control your experiences.

Do not dramatize

Try to talk freely about your feelings, write down your story. Humor helps you connect with people. By saying what you feel, you will slightly weaken the power of the image in whose captivity you live. nine0003

Open up to people

Don't wait for someone to help you. It takes serious effort to build relationships. Take the first step by trying to see the other person as an ally rather than a potential offender.

Grow up

Accept it as a fact: you are different from others (just like they are from you) and you don't need their approval to be yourself. By refusing to live dependent on the judgmental gaze of others, you can finally grow up. nine0003

Advice to a stranger

How to help someone who feels rejected in any situation? In a conversation, focus on his opinion, emphasizing that his point of view is important to you. But at the same time, do not indulge, this will lead to the opposite effect: your interlocutor may feel dependent on you, which will increase his feeling of rejection, because you cannot be with him all the time.

Be sincere in your intentions. The fact is that a person who considers himself useless doubts that he can arouse interest in himself. You can convince him that he is really worthy of attention and love only by sincerely communicating with him. nine0003

Text: Tatyana Galesa Photo Source: Getty Images

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What to do if you think that you are worse than the rest

Varvara Grankova

The feeling that you are worse than your colleagues can manifest itself in many different forms. It can pass quickly - for example, if the boss complimented someone else in front of you, or put pressure on you constantly - for example, if your colleague quit to start his own business. Use the following five tricks to keep your spirits up and improve your own efficiency. nine0003

Track what makes you stressed. Think about what makes you compare yourself to others. Does it upset you if your boss praises someone but not you? Are you jealous of the achievements of specific acquaintances? Do you often find yourself scrolling through Facebook or Instagram and feeling more and more lonely and insecure? If yes, you are not alone. According to research, social media exacerbates our tendency to give more attention to unpleasant feelings than to pleasant ones.

Try to notice what makes you compare yourself to others: by understanding that these are triggers, you can try to respond to them in a more constructive way. nine0003

Try to make use of your own feelings. You most likely can't help but listen to what your boss has to say about you and your colleagues. And while you may stop talking to your friends or quit social media, it will probably only make you feel more lonely. It is better to act differently: to deliberately use these feelings to your advantage.

The next time you're scrolling through social media feeds, ask yourself why you're doing this. Are you bored? So, look for something interesting, not something that will make you feel even worse. And if you hear the news about a colleague's career success and feel like you're giving in, stop and calmly, without judgment, follow your feelings, and then make a decision and try to perceive the colleague's success objectively. Think as if you are not a direct competitor to him, but a journalist who writes an article about him. nine0003

If it's all too hard, of course, it's better to take a break. But remember that you can always try to learn something in every situation. Don’t say to yourself “I wish I could do this too” or “I wish I could do this too.” Better phrase it like this: “Why shouldn’t I do the same?” Listen to the thoughts that will arise in your head after such a phrase.

Show your strengths to regain your strength and motivation. During an acute bout of insecurity, you can get stuck thinking about how to catch up with others. At times like these, it's important to regain your sense of efficiency: do something simple and win a small victory. Use your greatest strengths, show them to the world and recharge your confidence from it. nine0003

One of my clients was to be promoted to Senior Vice President, but due to the pandemic, his promotion was delayed. He was very upset and envious of acquaintances from other companies who managed to cross this line even before the crisis.

The more he suffered, the worse he worked. To break this vicious circle, he decided to use his forte: the ability to write. He wrote a good article for the company's blog about how management is coping with the crisis - and it became the most viewed post in the history of the blog. Many junior and senior colleagues thanked him for his honesty and optimism. This feedback gave him back his confidence in his own usefulness to the company. nine0003

Create a new field of play. Comparisons with a narrow group of colleagues do not make sense: colleagues can either overtake or lag behind them. But if you take a broader view of the situation and include new, more diverse groups, the idea of success will become more voluminous and you will have new areas in which you can win.

Jackie, a director at a Fortune 100 company, has not been promoted to vice president for three years. It did not give her peace. Realizing that she always compared herself only to a small group of other vice presidents, Jackie began to connect with people outside the company. Taking part in a meeting of entrepreneurs, listening to presentations of local startups and being in the role of a mentor, she felt a surge of strength. She also lagged behind this group of new acquaintances, because they already had their own business, but she was pleased to learn from them. Not only did this help her turn away from unpleasant comparisons with colleagues within the company, but it also gave her the energy and motivation to reassess her career ambitions.

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