What is the cause of shyness

Shyness (for Teens) - Nemours KidsHealth

Some people welcome new experiences and new people. They look forward to any opportunity to socialize. They're often the first to introduce themselves and they jump into a conversation easily. Other people are quiet and shy, and prefer to warm up slowly to new people or situations.

What Is Shyness?

Shyness is an emotion that affects how a person feels and behaves around others. Shyness can mean feeling uncomfortable, self-conscious, nervous, bashful, timid, or insecure. People who feel shy sometimes notice physical sensations like blushing or feeling speechless, shaky, or breathless.

Shyness is the opposite of being at ease with yourself around others. When people feel shy, they might hesitate to say or do something because they're feeling unsure of themselves and they're not ready to be noticed.

Reacting to New Things

New and unfamiliar situations can bring out shy feelings — like the first day of school, meeting someone new, or speaking in front of a group for the first time. People are more likely to feel shy when they're not sure how to act, don't know how others will react, or when attention is on them. People are less likely to feel shy in situations where they know what to expect, feel sure of what to do or say, or are among familiar people.

Like other emotions, shy feelings can be mild, medium, or intense — depending on the situation and the person. Someone who usually or often feels shy might think of himself or herself as a shy person. People who are shy may need more time to get used to change. They might prefer to stick with what's familiar.

People who are shy often hesitate before trying something new. They often prefer watching others before joining in on a group activity. They usually take longer to warm up to new people and situations.

Sometimes being quiet and introverted is a sign that someone has a naturally shy personality. But that's not always the case. Being quiet is not always the same as being shy.

Why Are Some People Shy?

Shyness is partly a result of genes a person has inherited. It's also influenced by behaviors they've learned, the ways people have reacted to their shyness, and life experiences they've had.

Genetics. Our genes determine our physical traits, like height, eye color, skin color, and body type. But genes also influence certain personality traits, including shyness. About 20% of people have a genetic tendency to be naturally shy. But not everyone with a genetic tendency to be shy develops a shy temperament. Life experiences also play a role.
Life experiences. When people are faced with a situation that may lead them to feel shy, how they deal with that situation can shape their future reactions to similar situations. For example, if people who are shy approach new things little by little, it can help them become more confident and comfortable. But if they feel pushed into situations they don't feel prepared for, or if they are teased or bullied, it can make them even more shy.
The examples other people set can also play a role in whether a person learns to be shy or not. If the parents of a shy child are overly cautious or overprotective, it can teach the child to back away from situations that might be uncomfortable or unfamiliar.

Shy Strength

Many people want to reduce their shyness. But people who are naturally shy also have gifts that they might not appreciate in themselves. For example, because shy people may prefer listening to talking, they sometimes become really good listeners (and what friend doesn't appreciate that?!).

People who are shy might also become sensitive to other people's feelings and emotions. Because of their sensitivity and listening skills, many people with a shy personality are especially caring toward others, and interested in how others feel. People often consider them the finest friends.

Of course, some people want to feel less shy so they can have more fun socializing and being themselves around others. If you're trying to become less shy, it can help to remember:

Overcoming shyness takes practice. People who are shy tend to give themselves fewer chances to practice social behaviors. It's no wonder that people who shy away from socializing don't feel as socially confident as those who are outgoing — they have less practice! The more you practice social behaviors, the easier they get, and the more natural they feel for you.
Take slow, steady steps forward. Going slow is OK. But be sure to go forward. Stepping back from any situations that might trigger you to feel shy can reinforce shyness and keep it at a level that's hard to get past. Build confidence by taking one small forward step at a time.
It's OK to feel awkward. Everyone does sometimes. People who are shy are often afraid to feel awkward or uncomfortable. But don't let that keep you from doing what you want. You might feel awkward asking your crush for a first date. That's perfectly natural. Whether your crush says yes — or no — is out of your control. But not asking at all means you'll never get that date. So go for it anyway!
Know that you can do it. Plenty of people learn to manage their shyness. Know that you can, too.

When Shyness Is Extreme

Most naturally shy people can learn to manage their shyness so that it doesn't interfere with what they enjoy doing. They learn to warm up to new people and situations. They develop their friendliness and confidence and get past shy feelings.

But for a few people, shy feelings can be extreme and can seem hard to conquer. When shy feelings are this strong, they prevent a person from interacting, participating in class, and socializing. Instead of warming up after a while, someone with extreme shyness has shy feelings that build into a powerful fear. This can cause a person to avoid social situations and hold back on trying new things or making new friends. Extreme shyness can make it uncomfortable — and seem impossible — to talk to classmates or teachers.

Because extreme shyness can interfere with socializing, it can also affect a person's self-confidence and self-esteem. And it can prevent someone from taking advantage of opportunities or trying new things. Extreme feelings of shyness are often a sign of an anxiety condition called social phobia. People with social phobia often need the help of a therapist to overcome extreme shyness.

Someone with social phobia — or extreme shyness — can overcome it! It takes time, patience, courage, and practice. But it's worth the hard work. The payoff is enjoying more friends, having more fun, and feeling more confident.

Be True to Yourself

We can't change our true inner nature (and who would want to?). If you have a naturally shy style, or if shyness holds you back, you might have to work at developing a sense of ease around new people.

Most people find that the more they practice socializing, the easier it gets. Practicing social skills — like assertiveness; conversation; and friendly, confident body language — can help people overcome shyness, build confidence, and get more enjoyment from everyday experiences.

Reviewed by: Colleen Sherman, PhD

Date reviewed: October 2020

Shyness | Psychology Today

Reviewed by Psychology Today Staff

Shyness is a sense of awkwardness or apprehension that some people consistently feel when approaching or being approached by others. Shyness is a response to fear, and research suggests that although there is a neurobiology of shyness—the behavioral repertoire is orchestrated by a specific circuit of neurons in the brain—it is also strongly influenced by parenting practices and life experiences.

What Causes Shyness?
How to Overcome Shyness

What Causes Shyness?

Shyness emerges from a few key characteristics: self-consciousness, negative self-preoccupation, low self-esteem and fear of judgment and rejection. Shy people often make unrealistic social comparisons, pitting themselves against the most vibrant or outgoing individuals. Believing that others are constantly evaluating them poorly, shy people abandon new social opportunities—which, in turn, prevents them from improving their social skills.

Are people born shy?

Shyness is characterized by excessive self-consciousness, negative self-evaluation, and negative self-preoccupation, features that involve a sense of self. Since a sense of self develops around 18 months old, one can argue that people cannot be born shy. Around 20 percent of children are born with a highly reactive temperament, but that doesn’t guarantee that they will be shy or unable to change their behavior.

What causes shyness in children?

What causes shyness in adolescence?

Shyness can be heightened during adolescence, since teens have to navigate new situations from classes to friendships to puberty. They may fear being embarrassed, rejected, or fully known. Parents can encourage teens to think about how they would act if those fears were irrelevant, and then help them practice cultivating those behaviors and skills.

What’s the difference between shyness and introversion?

Shyness is distinct from introversion. Introverts feel energized by time alone; shy people often want to connect with others, but don't know how or can’t tolerate the anxiety and fear of negative judgment that comes with human interaction. Their inclination to turn inward to monitor their own behavior and perceived shortcomings can prevent them from developing relationships.

How does shyness differ by culture?

The cultural values that children absorb from their parents and the larger society influence their social tendencies. Approximately 40 to 50 percent of American adults consider themselves shy, while 30 percent of Israelis and 60 percent of the Japanese say the same. Cultural styles of assigning blame and praise likely contribute to these cultural differences.

How to Overcome Shyness

Shy people can successfully address social challenges without altering their sense of identity. Researchers find that it's often best for people to acknowledge their shyness and try to release themselves from feeling self-conscious.

A number of concrete strategies can boost social confidence. Instead of avoiding social events, shy people can schedule them in advance and practice their social skills ahead of time. They can plan a few questions and talking points, and observe the discussion to get their bearings before contributing. They can also work to reframe their mindset, expecting a positive outcome rather than assuming a negative reaction is inevitable.

How can I stop being so shy?

Preparing for a social situation can shift your focus from what can go wrong to what can go right. Prepare questions for others and anecdotes you’d like to share. Reflect on what you might have in common. Being curious about others and softening your self-criticism can be helpful as well.

Can I outgrow shyness?

Shyness doesn’t disappear on its own. Shy people are most successful when they acknowledge and understand their shyness, and then act based on that self-awareness. They recognize that small talk may not come naturally, so they plan ahead, rehearse questions and anecdotes, and arrive early to feel comfortable in the new setting.

How can I help my child become more outgoing?

Parents can help shy children cultivate friendships without pushing them to be someone they’re not. Parents can encourage the child’s passions, as friendships can form around a shared activity. They can also teach basic social skills, such as making eye contact, smiling, speaking clearly, and asking “what” and “how” questions.

Essential Reads

Shyness: Causes, Effects and Solutions

Shyness is the appearance of anxiety, fear and embarrassment in situations related to communicating with other people or being near them. As a rule, shyness and timidity interfere with people in life. In this article, we will look at the causes of shyness, its signs, consequences, and, most importantly, the technique for overcoming shyness.

Causes of shyness

In psychology there is no consensus on this matter and there are different approaches. We will not dive into all the details, but we will briefly talk about each of them.

The theory of innate shyness

The modern version of this theory belongs to Raymond Cattell. He and some other researchers are convinced that shyness is a consequence of a more sensitive nervous system, and it can be inherited, like some other individual characteristics. Shyness, according to Cattell, is an invariable character trait, that is, if a person has innate shyness, then no experience can change it.

Behavioral approach

Behaviorists believe that shyness can arise due to the following reasons:

Lack of communication skills for full communication with other people.
Self-abasement due to their inadequacy (including imaginary).
Anticipation of one's inadequate behavior, anxiety about it. Simply put, a person is afraid to do something wrong, and does nothing.
The presence of negative communication experience in the past.

Here we cannot but agree, because these reasons actually turn out to be quite weighty, and as a result of them, fear, discomfort and other signs of shyness may well arise.

Psychoanalytic approach

Psychoanalysts view shyness as a symptom of internal contradictions: unsatisfied primary needs, narcissism, clash of defense and aggression mechanisms, etc. But in order to understand this approach in more detail, it is best to study the theory of Sigmund Freud in more detail.

Other possible causes

Shyness can also be the fear of not being accepted or understood. Perhaps shyness is part of your "I-concept", that is, you yourself set yourself up for such a model of behavior. And, of course, self-doubt and low self-esteem can lead to shyness. Anxiety and feelings of nervousness can be the cause of situational shyness.

Signs or symptoms of shyness

As for the manifestations of shyness, everything is much simpler here than with its causes, and psychologists distinguish a whole range of its symptoms:

Fear of any public speaking.
Emotional discomfort when communicating with strangers or unfamiliar people.
The person speaks quietly and uncertainly, tries to give the shortest possible answers.
As a rule, a shy person does not start the conversation first.
During a conversation, a shy person most often looks away from the interlocutor.
Desire to avoid attention from strangers.
Increased sweating, palpitations, redness of the face.
A shy person often has an attitude that he will not be interesting to other people, feels helpless and awkward, shames himself and condemns himself.
Selectivity in contacts with people.

If you notice a combination of these signs in yourself or your friends, then shyness is familiar to you or them firsthand. Although, as a rule, shy people themselves are well aware of this peculiarity. But unfortunately, they rarely think about its consequences.

Consequences of shyness

Most often, shyness is seen as a negative or neutral trait of character (do not confuse shyness with modesty). This is so because, firstly, a shy person has difficulty making new acquaintances, which means that he has a very narrow circle of friends. In addition, a shy person often hides his opinion, does not seek to express his will, behaves, in general, spineless. Of course, this is a barrier to its development and self-realization.

In some situations, due to shyness, a person loses control over himself, behaves awkwardly, cannot concentrate, forgets simple things. This also interferes. Emotional stress, which can be caused by shyness, quickly exhausts a person, wastes his energy, and contributes to emotional burnout.

Due to shyness, people sometimes miss their opportunities. For example, they hesitate to ask for something or defend their idea. All this suggests that it is necessary to get rid of shyness. And specifically for this, there are a number of methods. We will tell about one of those.

Methods of getting rid of shyness

Some experts, as we have already said, are sure that shyness is almost a sentence, a stigma for life. But there are those who think otherwise. So, many psychologists and psychotherapists are sure that you can overcome shyness with the help of very simple recommendations:

Determine the reasons for your shyness. Without knowing the origins of your behavior, you cannot change it. The section on causes of shyness in this article will help you determine the cause.
Start working on eliminating the causes. Increase self-confidence, form a normal self-esteem, stop judging your behavior as inadequate, develop communication skills, etc. The hardest part here is practice, but to be successful, it must be constant.
Use affirmations. Stop calling yourself shy, awkward, insecure, etc. and even think of yourself in that vein. Make sure that your self-hypnosis is beneficial, not harmful.
You can use the method of paradoxical intentions. For example, if you are afraid to talk to someone, exaggerate the possible consequences and play them out in your imagination with humor. As a rule, fear disappears after that. But here, too, constant and long-term work on oneself is needed.
Get over your shyness. Follow the above points and try to do something that you have not decided on before. Talk to a stranger, enter into a conversation, draw attention to yourself, etc. Start with the smallest - subsequently there will be no trace of shyness, because it is the exit from the comfort zone that often makes a person more confident and courageous in all understandings of these words.

Of course, this article does not claim to be a complete study of shyness and does not guarantee that you will be able to get rid of it. But if you take into account what we have talked about, this can be the beginning of your personal "transformation" from a timid and shy person into a self-confident and strong person.

If the feeling of shyness is alien to you, you can still benefit from our article, because. now he is quite able to give a couple of sensible recommendations to one of his friends and relatives. We wish you confidence and success!

Key words:1Psychoregulation

Causes of shyness - Psychologos

Representatives of different psychological trends viewed the causes of shyness in different ways.

1. The theory of innate shyness

A certain London doctor blamed the parents' genes for the origin of shyness. This theory was picked up by the psychologist R. Cattell. In his 16-factor personality questionnaire, he singled out the H scale with two opposite personality traits - courage-self-confidence and timidity-sensitivity to threat.

Low scores for this factor indicate a hypersensitive nervous system, an acute reaction to any threat, timidity, uncertainty in one's behavior, strength, restraint in expressing feelings. People with such indicators are tormented by a sense of their own inferiority, that is, they are shy.

Adherents of this theory believe that since shyness is an innate quality, nothing can change the state of affairs. The theory is very pessimistic and generally illogical.

2. Behavioral theory

In contrast to the above, it is rather optimistic. Behaviorism is a trend in American psychology of the twentieth century.

Behaviorists proceed from the fact that the human psyche influences the forms of behavior, and behavior is a reaction to environmental stimuli. They believe that shyness occurs when people fail to master social skills—in this case, communication skills. But if such people are taken properly, if a certain educational environment is created, then everything can be corrected.

What exactly is shyness? According to behaviorists, the response of fear to social stimuli. It is worth changing the forms of communication, making them "correct", and any tightness will disappear.

3. Psychoanalytic theory

It is interesting that in psychoanalysis everything is explained, but nothing is proved.

Shyness is regarded as a reaction to unsatisfied primary instinctual needs. It is associated with deviations in the development of the personality due to a violation of the harmony between instinct, adaptation to reality and reason, which protects moral norms.

In addition, shyness is an external manifestation of a deep unconscious conflict. Psychoanalytic reasoning is based on examples of pathological shyness that really needs to be treated.

4. A. Adler's concept

A. Adler is a representative of individual psychology. And it was he who introduced the term "inferiority complex".

The psychologist believed that all children experience an inferiority complex due to physical imperfection, lack of opportunities and strength. This can hinder their development. Each child chooses his life style due to his character and his ideas about himself and the world as a whole.

Adler believed that a person will never become neurotic if he cooperates with people. And those who are not capable of cooperation turn out to be lonely beings and losers.

Children can become such for various reasons: organic inferiority, frequent illnesses, which does not allow them to compete with others. Such a fate can be prepared for spoiled children who lack self-confidence, because everything is done for them, and, finally, outcast children who have no experience of cooperation, since they did not observe this phenomenon in their own family, fall into this company.

These three categories of children withdraw into themselves, do not interact with society, and therefore are doomed to defeat.

Adler introduced the concept of "insecure behavior", due to the fear of criticism, the fear of saying "no", the fear of contact, the fear of insisting on one's own, caution. Children with "insecure behavior" are dependent, dependent, passive, that is, shy. Their antipodes are independent, independent and active individuals.

5. Causative factors

Recently, shyness has been referred to as "high reactivity". Often in highly reactive children, shyness appears as an instinctive behavior aimed at protecting against physiological and emotional overload. In this case, two variants of instinctive behavior are possible.

The first - a child who is dissatisfied with something chooses an "avoidance strategy" (a type of psychological defense) and becomes shy.

Second - the child gets involved in rivalry and becomes self-confident.

It is customary to single out natural and social factors that form shyness.

Natural factor

This is a temperament due to the type of nervous system.

At first glance, it may seem that shyness is a priority for introverts - people who are focused on their inner world, who do not need numerous external contacts, who prefer solitude. These include phlegmatic and melancholic. It seems that there are indeed more shy people among this category. And these are outwardly shy individuals.

But, oddly enough, there are also shy extroverts - people who are "turned inside out", striving for communication and numerous contacts. They are choleric and sanguine. Among them there are internally shy.

Situation #1. A child who is comfortable in all respects

Tanya P. is a student in the 1st grade. Outwardly, it looks like a sparrow - small, thin. When she entered school, at the reception with a psychologist for an hour and a half, they managed to "pull out" two words from her. He speaks in a whisper. Shoulders slumped, eyes looking at the floor. The impression that the child is in a stupor. At the second appointment, we managed to talk to the girl a little.

Watching her now in the 1st grade, I understand that her shyness has not gone anywhere. At the lesson it is not audible, but at the break the same picture. While classmates frolic, she sits quietly in the corner. "Comfortable in all respects child." Studying well. But Tanya has no friends. She practically does not communicate with anyone, she is afraid of everything. There is a true external shyness. Where it will lead is unknown.

Situation #2. "Calm, friends! Spartak is with you!"

Natasha I., 13 years old. You look at this girl - and the thought will not arise about some even a hint of shyness. Sharp movements, impetuosity, loud voice. Wherever she appears, life “boils” everywhere. Always organizing something, likes to be the center of attention. In a word, a leader.

But once in class they were preparing a performance for the Defender of the Fatherland Day. We decided to stage something like a dramatic performance based on M. Svetlov's "Grenada". The role in the general choir seemed insufficient to Natasha, she immediately directed the "foreground" and put four girls in front of the choir, including herself - to sing separately.

Finally, the long-awaited evening has come. The choir of classmates sang soulfully and harmoniously, successfully "entered" in the foreground, but only three ...

As for Natasha, as soon as the curtain opened, something happened to her, as a result of which her voice somewhere gone. An invisible ring tightened around her throat, rather unpleasant sensations mixed in with all this - trembling, palpitations, even circles swam before her eyes. Of course, she opened her mouth very diligently, but no sounds came from there.

In the summer of the same year, she had to visit a holiday camp by the sea. An active girl was spotted by a counselor - a final year student of the theater institute, who decided to try himself as a director. A big costume ball was planned for the end of the season, and Natasha turned out to have a stunning Spartak costume. The leader offered a mini-performance on the topic of the slave uprising in Rome.

For half a month, regular rehearsals were going on in the "silent sleep". The counselor reveled in directing, Natasha - in the role.

The result was just as deplorable for Natasha as it was at the school party. As soon as the curtain opened and a full hall of acquaintances and strangers appeared before the eyes of the girl, a shock came. According to the role, it was necessary to run out swiftly onto the stage and, regally waving his hand, shout: "Calm, friends! Spartak is with you!" Instead, Natasha literally crawled out half-bent and hobbled to the middle of the stage. That was not the regal gait of Spartacus, but the step of the shot down.. .

Eyes "came out of their sockets" from horror. Instead of the necessary words, the girl "suffered" frank nonsense, which later she could not even restore in her memory. The failure was complete, and with it the shame in front of the director, friends in the detachment and, in general, in front of all "humanity". And, of course, stress, which she will remember for a long time.

Psychologist's comment:

- By nature, Natasha is an outright choleric. Very bold, decisive, with a pronounced desire for leadership. She always wanted to make a lasting impression, but she thought about it so much that gradually a fear arose in her subconscious: “What if I don’t like you? What if I do something wrong?” The thought of possible failure was a disaster for her.

This is an example of inner shyness, which the girl was not aware of and therefore could not foresee such "punctures". Interestingly, in the usual circle of relatives, acquaintances, peers, there were no misfires, but a large number of strangers provoked a generalized fear that did not allow them to be liberated.

Social factor

There is a very close relationship between the type of child's upbringing and the characteristics of his mental development. The most typical manifestations of improper upbringing:

Rejection

There is no spiritual contact between parents and children. The child is shod, dressed and fed, but his parents are not interested in his soul. The reasons for this phenomenon may be different - the child was born not of the sex that was desired by the parents, the child is a hindrance to the parents' career, and so on.

As a result of such upbringing, one can raise either an aggressive child, or a downtrodden, timid and touchy one.

Hyper-custody

Parents educate the child too "correctly" and program his every step. The child is forced to chronically restrain his impulses and desires.

And again we get two options - a child who protests against such a situation, which results in aggressiveness, and a child who submits - this one becomes withdrawn, fenced off, and as a result, shy.

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