What is overprotective parenting

Signs, Examples, & Impact on Mental Health

Published: December 8, 2020 Updated: October 11, 2022

Published: 12/08/2020 Updated: 10/11/2022

Overprotective parenting refers to parents who hover or control their child’s actions. Overprotective parents want to ensure their child’s well-being, but their efforts can be intrusive and even detrimental. These parenting styles can cause family dynamic issues and stunt the child’s overall development.

If you feel like your parents are stepping over the line, a therapist can help you speak up and set healthy boundaries. BetterHelp has over 20,000 licensed therapists who provide convenient and affordable online therapy. BetterHelp starts at $60 per week. Complete a brief questionnaire and get matched with the right therapist for you.

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All parents want their children to be healthy and do well in life. But overprotective parents often experience intense anxiety about their child’s safety. As a result, they tend to micromanage their child to prevent them from taking risks or getting hurt.¹

Overprotective parents worry about many things. For example, they often feel concerned about their child’s physical safety. They may also worry about their child’s ability to perform, succeed, or manage a particular situation.

One type of overprotective parent is known as snowplow parenting, where parents are so worried about their children’s physical and emotional safety, that they proactively remove all obstacles for them. While their intention may be good, this prevents children from developing many of their own skills.

Twelve common signs of overprotective parents are:

Taking over their child’s schoolwork to help them get a good grade.
Continuously checking in on their child when separated.
Managing their child’s friendships.
Consistently reminding their child about avoiding danger.
Doing all chores or taking over other essential responsibilities.
Planning all their child’s social activities.
Personalizing their child’s feelings.
Consistently invading their child’s privacy.
Controlling their child’s social interactions.
Prohibiting or discouraging their child from taking age-appropriate risks.
Fostering a sense of extreme dependency.
Doing everything in their nature to prevent their children from falling.²

It’s normal for all parents to experience a few of these signs from time to time. Additionally, having just one or two of these signs doesn’t inherently indicate overprotective parenting. But if a parent consistently exhibits some or all of these symptoms, they might be overprotective.

What Is the Impact of Overprotective Parents on Mental Health?

Overprotective parenting can affect growing children in numerous ways. When a child continually feels the excess need to succeed, this pressure can affect their self-esteem and overall temperament. This dynamic can lead to mental health issues related to depression, anxiety, codependent relationships, disordered eating, and substance use.

Tiger parenting can be even more restrictive, as parents often place excess pressure on their child’s performance.

Subsequently, all children must learn how to differentiate from their caretakers. That means they need to understand and implement independent life skills. This is essential for long-term happiness and success.

But if a parent always rescues their child from harm, the child never truly understands risk or failure. As a result, they may grow up naive to the harsh realities of living in the real world. Or, they may become impulsive and irresponsible because they know someone will always be there with a safety net.³

Does Overprotective Parenting Impact Physical Health?

The relationship between overprotective parenting and mental health is complicated. Some research shows that children in stricter, authoritative households have more positive attitudes towards specific healthy nutrition behaviors. ⁴

That said, the motives remain unclear. It’s unknown whether these children choose to value healthy living, or if they feel pressure from their parents to adopt this attitude.

Likewise, the impact of stress associated with overprotective parenting cannot be overstated. Chronic stress is associated with numerous health issues, including high blood pressure, muscle pain, fatigue, sleep problems, heart disease, diabetes, and obesity.⁶

Is Being an Overprotective Parent Effective?

Overprotective parenting may seem like a good idea, particularly when the parent feels anxious or out-of-control. Likewise, they may assume they know what’s best for their child. But overprotective parenting can leave lasting consequences on a child’s development. On the one hand, children may rebel against their parent’s expectations. If they feel too smothered, they may learn how to lie or manipulate their parents to “get them off their back. ”

Additionally, many children grow up lacking the fortitude needed to survive in the real world. For example, they may not know how to wash dishes or pay bills. They may not know how to solve fundamental problems because they are used to someone else solving them. If they never experience natural consequences for their behavior, they often struggle with being responsible and accountable for their actions.

6 Examples of Overprotective Parenting

Many of us have seen overprotective parenting on the playground or at a child’s school. But in a society where many parents feel the need to do everything for their children, you may not be able to distinguish the difference between typical concern versus overprotective parenting.

Below are six common examples of overprotective parenting:

1. Hovering Over a Small Child at the Playground

Take a look at any local playground, and you will probably witness this behavior. You can sense it when you see a panicked parent standing right behind or next to their young children. They’re quick to catch a fall, and they’re even quicker to react to their child’s distress.

While it’s important to promote a safe environment for your child, excess hovering can actually jeopardize their emotional safety. Children need to explore the natural environment to learn appropriate boundaries. In a sense, they need to learn how to fall- repeatedly- to learn how to play it safe.

2. Immediately Calling the Teacher When Your Child Brings Home a Bad Test Grade

It’s no secret that parents want their children to succeed in school. Indeed, many people believe that academic performance is the key to doing well in life.

But this behavior can leave long-lasting consequences on a child’s well-being. For one, this strategy disregards the child’s perspective entirely. Moreover, instead of having a collaborative discussion about the test, the parent opts to “go to the professional” rather than try to understand what may have happened.

Over time, this pattern can cause children to feel invalidated and unimportant. It can also lead them to experience intense anxiety around school, performance, and overall achievement.

3. Checking In With Your Child Multiple Times When They’re Out With Friends

It’s normal to check in on your child occasionally. But overprotective parents often call, text, or email their children incessantly. If they can’t get a hold of their child, they often reach out to their friends or friends’ parents.

This behavior is concerning for multiple reasons. First, it demonstrates a lack of trust. As a parent, it’s important to allow your child to have age-appropriate boundaries. As they grow older, they can and should have more independence. You must learn to trust them as they navigate the world.

Additionally, this behavior often backfires. If a child feels like they’re being micromanaged, they may become sneakier with maintaining their privacy. They might also lie, downplay, or withhold important information. Because they feel they can’t be entirely honest with their parents, they may become more guarded altogether.

4. Saying ‘No’ To Most Social Events or Activities

Many overprotective parents restrict their children from establishing their independence. As a result, they may prohibit the child from engaging in new hobbies, activities, or even relationships. In a sense, the parent tries to keep the child in a safe, protected bubble.

The fear of their child getting hurt prevents them from allowing them to embrace new opportunities. However, there is no such thing as a “safe, protected bubble” in the real world. These children often grow up feeling naive to danger. Or, they may have an intense need to rebel against their parents altogether.

5. Logging Into All Your Child’s Social Media Accounts

Online safety is important, and it’s one thing to monitor your child’s online activity. Parents should ensure that their child understands how to behave online appropriately.

But if a parent consistently scans through every message, comment, or like, it could be far too intrusive. All children deserve to have privacy, and parents need to trust that they can make good decisions.

Moreover, children tend to be extremely savvy online. If they know their parents are watching their every move, they may just resort to using different usernames or websites.

6. Scheduling Your Adult Child’s Appointments

Some parents continue organizing all their child’s events even after the child has left home. These parents may make their doctor’s appointments, remind them to go to the dentist, and take their car to the mechanic for them.

While these gestures can be generous, repeating them can enable a child’s excess dependency on their parents. Rather than being accountable for taking personal responsibility, the child grows up expecting other people to help them with their daily tasks.

Criticism of Overprotective Parenting

There are advantages associated with overprotective parenting. Some research shows that children with highly-involved parents tend to have greater self-confidence, better grades, and less impulsive behavior.

One study found that teenagers who have parents with “intensive parenting styles” have higher test grades. Another study found that children are less likely to use drugs, drink alcohol, or have sex at a young age.⁶

That said, it’s important to understand the costs of these virtuous benefits. While most parents want their children to succeed academically, what if this success compromises their emotional well-being? What if it takes a massive toll on their self-esteem and relationship with other family members?

Critics of overprotective parenting cite that this parenting style is associated with problems related to low self-esteem, poor attachment with primary caregivers, and limited problem-solving skills.⁷Additionally, there’s no guarantee that overprotective parenting will result in actually being able to protect the child from all harm.

How Therapy Can Help People Impacted by Overprotective Parents

Therapy can support individuals struggling with these family dynamics. Find a therapist who can provide a safe and supportive environment to process emotions and learn new coping skills. Children of overprotective parents must understand how to solve problems and live independently. It’s also important that they learn how to set healthy boundaries with their parents.

How Individual Therapy Can Help

Individual therapy is a non-judgmental space where you are permitted to discuss their thoughts and feelings freely. If you had or have an overprotective parent, you may need support in working through the consequences associated with their parenting.

Often, therapy isn’t about changing your entire family system. Instead, it’s about learning how to focus on what you can control. If, for example, your parents still take over most of your life, therapy can help you establish appropriate boundaries. Additionally, therapy can teach you about forming healthy relationships, building self-esteem, and managing your distress more productively.

How Group Therapy Can Help

Group therapy offers a compassionate space for like-minded individuals to come together and share their feelings. There are many different types of groups you can join. Some focus more on general support, whereas others have specific topics that adhere to a particular curriculum.

Some clients benefit from a combination of individual and group therapy. If you’re not sure which option is best for you, consult with a therapist.

Overprotective parenting is a more recent phenomenon, and as parents become more involved in their child’s lives, there are some crucial statistics to consider:⁸

62% of parents report that they can be “sometimes” overprotective.
Mothers are more likely to report being overprotective than fathers.
About half of parents believe they should be more involved in their child’s life.
About half of parents report they would be disappointed if their child was an average student.
Over half of parents report that parents cannot be too involved in their child’s education.
85% of parents indicate they have talked to a teacher about their child’s academic progress.

Additional Resources

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Overprotective Parents - Causes, Signs and Effects

What Are Overprotective Parents

Overprotective parents show guarding behavior that is excessive considering the child’s developmental stage and the actual risk level in their environment.

Overprotective parents’ single-minded focus is to keep their children safe, not only physically but also emotionally.

These parents obsess with their children’s physical safety, even though they usually live in a relatively safe environment. The levels of protection exceed the much lower level of actual risk.

They are also preoccupied with preserving their kids’ emotional wellness by helping them remove all obstacles and cushion the blow of everyday life.

Why Are Parents Overprotective

Some parents are overprotective because they want to do everything within their power to safeguard their children from harm and to help them succeed in life.

This intensive parenting approach is often chosen by parents in a loving but misguided attempt to improve their child’s outcome.

Parents are instinctively protective. Parents love and care about their children, and want to raise them to be healthy, happy, and successful. They want to protect their kids’ well-being by preventing illnesses, hurtful feelings, and failure.

But when a mom or dad helps a little too much, steps in to save the day every time something goes slightly awry or shields the child from all the negativities of the world, they become overprotective parents.

What Causes Parents To Be Overprotective

Parental Anxiety

Overprotective parents are often anxious parents who are preoccupied with dangers. Parents who suffer from anxiety or panic disorder are prone to show overparenting behavior¹.

Hyperbolic News Media

Overprotection exists in every generation. However, there is a trend toward intensive parenting in recent years. In particular, the Millennials are infamous for having overprotective a helicopter mom or dad.

We are living in an era where we are constantly bombarded by information. The prevalence of the internet and smartphone usage means media needs to use creative ways to compete for our attention.

Sensational news does the job.

Hyperbolic news media leads parents to believe that the world around them is far more dangerous than it actually is². It makes every assault against a child seem like a personal threat.

Therefore, even though our society is, on the whole, safer than any previous generation in history, it doesn’t feel that way.

Perceived Child Vulnerability

Parents of children with chronic illness³ or physical disabilities⁴ often exhibit overprotective and controlling behavior. These parents, especially the mothers, believe that their children are more vulnerable or susceptible, and require more protection.

Parental Post-Traumatic Symptoms After Disaster

Overprotection can arise following natural or man-made disasters, especially if the parent develops Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)⁵.

For example, if a family has escaped their burning home in a large fire, the parents may develop fear of future fires and form overprotective behavior.

Is It Good To Be Overprotective

Having protective parents is good for infant survival. It is also beneficial if the living experience contains high risks. But in an ordinary home free of serious conditions, focusing exclusively on protection without flexibility threatens children’s development⁶.

Research shows that when parents protect their children from an extreme community, such as urban environments where gun-related violence, gangs, and drugs are common, the family functioning is better.

Parents’ brains are wired to protect their offspring. But when taken to the extremes and the level of risks do not match the extent of protection, overprotection will do more harm than good.

Overprotective parenting can take many forms. Here are some signs of overprotective parents.

Saves the Day… Every Day

Of course, no one wants to see their children fail. But overprotective parents cannot stand to let their children experience any failure or disappointments. They swoop in to save the day every time their children face the slightest challenge.

They clean their kid’s messy rooms and pick up everything after them.
They pack their kid’s backpacks every night to make sure nothing is forgotten.
They do their kid’s homework or science projects to ensure they will get A’s.
They step in and rescue their kid from a poor grade or injured ego.
They would do anything to keep their child from failure, even if it means breaking the rules (or laws).

Micromanagement

Overprotective parents are anxious about their kids’ every move. So they hover and control their children’s actions and environments. They rule over every aspect of their kids’ lives. Examples of overprotective micromanaging include:

They decide what extracurricular activities their child will take on because they know better.
They don’t allow their child to veer off and pursue interests they deem risky.
They plan their child’s daily schedule and supervise all activities.
They make all decisions for the child without allowing them to think through the options themselves.
They rarely take the child’s perspective or preference into consideration.
They only let their child hang out with the “right” friends.

Hypersensitive and Reactive

Overprotective parents are hypersensitive and they often overreact to anything related to their children.

They are overly cautious over activities their child engages in.
They remind their child about safety and danger constantly.
They complain about their child’s bad grades and fight with the school to change it.
They are enraged and demand a review when their child is rejected from an opportunity.
They intervene if their child is not receiving the special treatment they feel entitled to.
They go overboard with consolation when their child fails.

Effects of Overprotective Parents

There are many reasons parents shouldn’t be overprotective. The psychological effects of overprotective parents can be significant. The most notable one is that it hurts their children’s growth and development into well-adjusted, independent adults. Here are the different ways this harm manifests.

Worry and Anxiety

Worry is a recurrent, dysfunctional and rigid form of negative thinking that is often a primary sign of generalized anxiety disorder. Studies have consistently found that overprotected children are more prone to worry and anxiety⁷.

Overprotective parents may overparent their children because of their own bias toward threats, increased perception of danger, and elevated sensitivity to their child’s distress. The parents’ constantly high stress levels remind their children of danger and cause anxiety in them⁸.

Lack of Coping Skills

Parental overprotection can undermine a child’s development of independent coping skills.

To learn effective coping strategies, children must learn to adapt to difficult situations.

Some exposure to risks and challenging experiences allow children’s coping mechanisms to mature⁹. These are resilient life skills that will weather future unhappiness, adversities, failures, and heartbreaks.

However, overprotected children are not afforded those opportunities. They are put in a bubble away from the real world and shielded from the hurtful realities.

Children who are accustomed to having their parents make their plans and clean up their messes are unprepared to deal with what life may throw their way. They crumble easily under pressure from minor challenges and major obstacles alike¹⁰.

Social Anxiety and Phobia

Overprotectiveness conveys to the child a sense that the world is dangerous. It reinforces avoidance and keeps children from engaging in social situations restricting the opportunities to build friendships and learn social skills. Children raised with overprotective parenting tend to have less competent social skills.

These children are also more likely to suffer from social anxiety or social phobia, which is characterized by fear and avoidance of social situations. This condition is usually accompanied by an excessive preoccupation with fears of rejection, criticism, or embarrassment^11,12.

Fearful of Failure

Overprotective parents go out of their way to make sure their children don’t fail. They rescue their children quickly and provide them with unnecessary assistance, often without being asked.

A child from an overprotective family is afraid to make mistakes. Fearing failure, hurt, or rejection, they are reluctant to get out of their comfort zone to try something new. The child may shy away from opportunities. Instead of navigating hardships and solving problems on their own, these children become dependent on their parents. Their unwillingness to spread their wings and fly prevents them from becoming competent individuals¹³.

Depression & Psychological Wellbeing

Children raised by overprotective parenting are more likely to suffer from depression in adolescence¹⁴.

Parental overprotection is associated with prescription medication use for depression and the recreational consumption of pain pills in college students¹⁵.

Low Self-esteem & Self-motivation

Besides higher occurrence of anxiety and depression, overprotected children also have lower self-esteem and confidence in their ability to solve everyday problems.

A person’s sense of self or self-esteem is largely based on how other people treat them in interactions¹⁶. Constantly monitored and protected children are given the message they are not capable, or good enough to manage life by themselves.

Without the chance to prove to themselves that they can take responsibility, these children cannot take full credit for their accomplishments to develop a sense of autonomy and competence.

As a result, they lack resilience, self-efficacy, and self-motivation that are essential to face the world on their own¹⁷.

Bullying Target

Overprotective parenting is associated with high degrees of bullying experienced by the child in school^18,19.

Overprotected children are often treated as younger than their age. They are infantilized and not allowed to engage in rough play, assertion, exploration, or risk-taking activities necessary to develop conflict management and self-defense skills²⁰.

Indecisive

Children from overprotective households are indecisive.

Kids need the opportunities to practice decision-making, but overprotected children are never allowed to make their own choices in life. With no practice or preparation, they grow up not knowing how to make major decisions.

These children either do not know how to make such a decision or they are afraid of making the wrong one. They have learned to be dependent on their parents to make all the choices for them.

For example, a college student who perceives their parents as overprotective experiences more career indecision than those who have found their parents more encouraging of their independence in childhood²¹.

Entitlement & Maladaptive Narcissism

Studies have shown that parental overprotection is associated with narcissism in young adulthood²².

The extreme levels of responsiveness, help, and intervention from protective parents teach their children that they are exceptionally important. They are always worthy of intensive care and attention from others. Therefore, these children may feel titled to things they haven’t earned²³.

Psychologists have found that when parental responsiveness is not given at age-appropriate levels, the child, or adult child, is more likely to develop pathologically narcissistic traits²⁴.

Functional Somatic Symptoms

Overprotected adolescents are more likely to develop Functional Somatic Symptoms (FSS). The most prevalent FSS in children and teenagers are pain, fatigue, and gastrointestinal problems²⁵.

Delinquency

One of the most damaging aspects of overprotection is when it is combined with low care (emotional neglect) parenting. When overprotective parents exert high control and low emotional responsiveness, they are authoritarian parents.

Researchers have consistently found that this parenting method is closely linked to adolescents’ delinquency, depression, and personality disorder²⁶.

Overprotective and Other Parenting Styles

All good parents are protective parents, but not all protective parents are overprotective.

Overprotective parents are sometimes called helicopter parents because they hover over their children at all times.

Overprotective parents who are low in parental care and warmth are controlling parents or authoritarian parents.

These four parenting types have some overlap in characteristics, and therefore people sometimes use them interchangeably. But they may mean different things depending on who you talk to.

Among the four parenting styles, authoritarian parenting is the only clearly defined psychology construct. It is characterized by high control and low warmth.

The overprotective, helicopter, and controlling parenting styles are not well defined, but they have one thing in common – high control. Other than the control part, these terms are not precisely established or consistently studied in psychology.

The word “overprotective” implies the parents aim to protect while the word “controlling” implies the parents aim to control. So these two parenting types may have some fundamental differences in terms of intention.

Overprotective parents are anxious about their children’s health and safety. They use control to achieve their goals of safekeeping. But controlling parents are authoritarian parents. They just want to control without a good cause.

Regardless of the terms, to not impede children’s development, parents should avoid smothering their children and foster a healthy sense of competence in them. Adopting a warm, responsive, and high-standard parenting style (i.e. authoritative parenting) is the best thing parents can do to protect their children in the long term.

Final Thoughts On Overprotective Parents

If a parent finds it hard to let go of control, they may be also a controlling parent – find out the characteristics of controlling parenting.

To raise resilient children, parents provide a safe haven in times of stress as well as during periods of calm. Set boundaries but also allow for adaptability. Only when kids have the opportunities to interact effectively with the outside world can they develop into capable, resilient, and socially responsive future generations.

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how to turn a child into a loser

At one time in the popular humorous film magazine "Yeralash" there was a story about a grandmother and a grandson. A caring grandmother, hurrying with a handkerchief at the ready to wipe the snot of her overgrown grandson, and a bull, who did not disdain, just a little, to call the progenitor for help, clearly illustrated the problem of overprotection, which is widespread even today.

"Gift of God"

Hyper-custody refers to the excessive involvement of parents in the process of the child's life, explains a psychiatrist of the highest category, psychotherapist Alexander Fedorovich.

“As a rule, this is due to the fact that one of the parents is distinguished by an anxious and suspicious warehouse, that is, he worries about everything that is and is not. If it turns out that something is missing, the overprotective parent must come up with it - which, as a rule, is very successful. Such an attitude can be developed in relation to difficult, painful, long-awaited children who have been hard given. A child is perceived as a supervalue that needs to be invested in and that needs to be preserved, equated to a gift from God,” says the doctor.

If an anxious and suspicious character structure of one of the parents is added to this, we get overprotection, the specialist explains. “The same applies to some single mothers who are overly involved in the process of raising a child, regardless of gender, and see this as their destiny. In their understanding, a good mother is always involved, always understands - as in an old bearded joke, “mother has lived her life, she will live yours too,” Fedorovich notes.

The consequences of such upbringing for a child, as a rule, are very depressing: he is removed from all affairs, he has almost zero socialization.

“A parent uses different pretexts: “while I explain to you how it’s done, I’ll do it myself ten times”, “no matter what you order, you’ll ruin everything.” Sometimes mechanisms of a higher level are used: "this is not a royal business." They say: “Your task is to study, find a good job, and we will find a woman for you,” the psychotherapist explains.

The child completely borrows all these theses and patterns of behavior and subsequently transmits them to others in his adult life.

“Otherwise the boy will die”

Real examples of elderly infantiles tightly clutching their mother's skirt are familiar to many firsthand. It is this category of men that women despise the most, and often for good reason. Upon closer inspection, everything really turns out to be very neglected.

“One lady asked for help for her boy, who is unlucky in life, everyone offends him. She explained: whatever the woman is rubbish, whatever the boss is a bastard. So the boy drinks. She brought the boy (who was 42 years old at that time) to a reception by the hand, saying: “He’s somehow unfinished with us, if I don’t come for a day, he won’t even get borscht out of the refrigerator.” I ask: what if you don't come for two days? She: “yes, what are you,” her eyes pop out of their sockets, “what are you saying if I don’t come for two days. ” Sedition! She does not have a shadow of a doubt: the boy will die!”, says the doctor.

“From that moment I lost my position in her eyes – it is clear to a fool that he will die, but it was not obvious to me. By the way, before our conversation, I passed the control, I was asked questions about the diploma, certificates, and convictions. And only after my mother was convinced of my trustworthiness, she brought her son. But after some time, he stopped showing up at appointments, I asked him a question and heard that my mother stopped giving him money for a psychoanalyst, deciding that the doctor was bad and did not teach that. By the way, once he was married, but my mother decided that the wife, like the psychoanalyst, was not suitable for her son, and put her out the door, ”says Fedorovich.

Such a “boy” chooses a wife-mother, 15-20 years older, who already has everything, including children. Either his mother chooses a companion for him - she tests a potential applicant, checking her for law-abidingness, integrity, settles them somewhere nearby - ideally, on the same floor, in extreme cases, in the next entrance. This is followed by total control and constantly sounding fears that the young "will not cope." Conflicts begin with a partner. If grandchildren appear, for an overprotective grandmother, this is oil for the soul - she can live her life again and once again explain to everyone how significant she is.

But can both parents and children who are tired of the role of the “eternal idiot” break the vicious circle?

“It's quite complicated, and happens either through a bottle or with the help of a normal aunt who takes this boy into her arms and pushes her mother-in-law out the door hard,” says the expert. - The boy can still grow up - he begins to command dishes and washing powder, but girls, as a rule, never get out of this state, they find themselves exactly the same dominant partner who, in principle, does everything the same, but they do not suffer and are perceived as the norm. The collapse begins when the partner leaves, and the situation becomes catastrophic. A person, being at a fairly mature age - 40 or 50 years old - is absolutely desocialized, to the point that he does not know how to take readings from the meter. A person is absolutely normal, healthy, not weak-minded, and in the future can master all these skills.”

The living "female" example of victims of overprotection also looks dramatic. “I now have a couple of such girls, one is over 40, the second is over 50. One lives with her mother, her mother constantly “controls” her, takes care of her. She, of course, has no personal life, because any partner who appears must pass mom's reliability test. She invites him, her mother bakes pies, asks her partner questions, a 50-year-old girl sits and listens to all this. Mom asks: “What are your plans?” He bulges his eyes - he is in the house for the first time, and he has known the girl for a week without a year. Naturally, he merges into calls about intentions, to which mom says: “well, look what a goat”, “once again, I saved you, a fool. ” And this happens all the time - and I have known this patient for 10 years, ”says the doctor.

“During this time, we have made progress: she dared to go on vacation without her mother and stopped reporting, for example, why she was late after work. Mom, however, worked out a different line very clearly. The classic scheme: he regularly calls and says: “I’m sitting here measuring my pressure, I have a presentiment that something is wrong with you there! Come on, tell me!” I explain that my mother is disingenuous. One day the girl said: “Oh, mom, I don’t believe you.” After 20 minutes, a call: “this is a doctor with an ambulance, why are you talking to mom like that?” And this is a disaster, of course. The process of separation - separating the child from the mother - is very difficult. It took me a lot of effort to get the girl's right to go on vacation for a week separately from her mother. I hope that in the next 10 years we will still achieve certain results with it. While they are modest, but they are! Mom, of course, closed herself, said that the doctor was bad - from which I conclude that we are on the right track, ”says the interlocutor of MIR 24.

How such citizens will behave with their own children is an ambiguous question. If a child is born in a pair with a hyper-protective partner, the infantile will simply settle down as a second child. Two infantiles will never survive - unless, of course, they are fed and maintained by the mothers living in the next entrance.

Salvation is in sports

Younger children also experience problems: parents “open the heads” of kindergarten teachers, then head teachers at school, participate everywhere and climb. “They are always in the parent committee, they get jobs as nannies in the hospital during the illness of the child, assistant cooks in the pioneer camp where the child went. I tell them: “it’s time to try on boots or get used to the role of a staff clerk - soon the guy will join the army!” In psychiatry, this is called intervention (i. e. provocation). Sometimes people answer these stuffing: “yes, yes, I also think about it, we need to look for a way out - to attach it somewhere in the Moscow Region or in the fire department so that it is nearby,” the doctor says.

Only some intercurrent figure can save such a child - for example, a coach in a sports section or a leader of a choir circle. If the child sees authority in him and "falls under a bad influence", he will gradually get out from under parental oppression. “This figure can provide separation from parents, and then socialization takes place, the child is poured into the team, borrowing the correct forms of gender-role behavior. And the author of this is the coach,” the expert explains.

Moreover, the child should not "spread" on the coach, seeing him as a mother. “The difference is that a parent is always overprotective, and a coach is “give results, show yourself, your character traits and skills.” And what skills can be in hyper-custody? “You don’t know how to do anything, move away, sit down, you will break everything and burn yourself. ” And here the doctrines differ greatly. The coach does not need to be a guardian and hang a negligent athlete or pianist around his neck, ”says the psychotherapist.

But if the coach does not need to be a guardian, the elderly husband may have such a need. “If a girl is tired of her mother and at the age of 16 she runs away to marry her grandfather for 60 years, this is an sewing on soap. He takes care of this girl, continues to take care of this girl - however, somewhat wider than her parents did. She has additional freedom, pocket money and so on. At the same time, a certain minimum level of socialization by the partner is nevertheless stimulated,” Alexander Fedorovich believes.

So there are no "mantras" that set you up for "healing" - there can only be practical experience in a new context, for example, in a section. But you need to understand that such a child will not be allowed to be friends with anyone either, referring to the fact that this one had a father, that one had an alcoholic mother, and the third had a prostitute's sister. Therefore, they will try to isolate the child as much as possible from the outside world.

"Against all"

But there is such a thing as rebel children. The antagonism of overprotectiveness results in all sorts of teenage groups like “Run away from home” and other equally large phenomena. “Such teenagers do not come to spend the night, they run away, they start behaving delinquently – they end up in a police station, start drinking, using substances, climb into different groups. For them - with antagonism towards their parents - the reaction of powerful social resistance, the struggle with society is also characteristic, ”explains the psychotherapist.

Simply put, in this category of citizens, a behavioral model of resistance to everyone is fixed indiscriminately, because everyone is trying to suppress them, says Alexander Fedorovich.

At the same time, it is necessary to distinguish between hyperprotection and domination. In overprotection, fusion, unconditional love prevails (which Erich Fromm writes about in the first chapter of The Art of Love), and in domination, power and the requirement to comply with standards.

“Dominance manifests itself like this: “I am the boss, what I said, everyone does, regardless of who thinks”, “and now everyone quickly sat down, quickly began to eat, and left on the count of three.” It's a very different process. Dominance is the rapture of absolute power and the demand for absolute submission. Overprotective mothers are different. They would be dominant if they commanded their son: “I quickly went in, sat down and listened to the doctor, understood? Or else I'll blow your brains out." This is dominance. And hyper-custody - “didn’t you get your feet wet, didn’t you forget to put on a hat and didn’t that boy offend you,” the expert summed up.

About hyperguardianship

Educators - about Education.

WHEN DOES GUARDIANCY BECOMES HYPERguardianship?

Hyper-custody is a serious pedagogical problem of our time. Of course, to a greater extent it lies in the sphere of family relations. But, we, kindergarten teachers, can provide real assistance to parents in matters of education. Let's try to figure out what hyper-custody is and how it can interfere with the child and his parents?

We see that the current generation of children is radically different from their parents. Let's remember our childhood: moms and dads worked hard, came late, their strength was barely enough to find out “how did you spend your day?”. And we led our own lives: we went out with friends, ran to circles and then, having matured, went on dates, did homework without outside help and prepared for tests.

Much has changed now. Not every parent will let a child go to a circle alone, and this circle can be located on the other side of the city. Parents strive to give their child everything possible, and many children have less and less free time. Many mothers do not work, devoting themselves entirely to the family.

And in this new reality, a new, previously little-known problem has appeared - overprotection.

Overprotection and its types

Family upbringing can be described using various characteristics: how many demands are placed on the child, how is he encouraged or punished, what is he allowed or forbidden? One of these characteristics is the level of care. It shows how much effort, attention, time the parents devote to the child. Specialists in the field of family relations call hyperprotection such a style of upbringing that has developed in the family, in which children are given a lot of time, effort and attention, caring for children becomes the main thing in the life of parents. In reality, this manifests itself in the fact that parents help their son or daughter too much.

Of course, any child needs help and care from mom and dad, and not every hint or reminder is a manifestation of overprotection. Caring becomes superfluous when the parents DO for the CHILD what he may well learn to do for himself, or when as a result of this help the child feels weak and worthless. You can often find the conventional wisdom that the exclusive attention of parents is necessary for successful development. This is true if we are talking about babies up to a year old. After this age, the balance of independence and parental care is important for the child, and every year of his life this balance changes: independence should become more and more. Do you agree?

Two types of overprotection

In psychology, there are two types of overprotection. The first type is called PREDICTING. In this case, parents do not just do a lot of work on the child, they do it in an exceptionally mild form, trying to limit the child as little as possible. The needs of the child become the most important, mom and dad are ready to sacrifice their interests for the sake of him. In addition, as a rule, with condoning overprotection, almost nothing is forbidden to the child. In extreme cases of this type of overprotection, the mother of an eighth-grader (!) can call her son's class teacher and ask him to check that his son has eaten, and the graduate's grandmother refuses to go to the hospital in order to be able to accompany her granddaughter to school.

In the second type of overprotection - DOMINANT - parents not only help the child too much, but also constantly control him. Mom or dad constantly commands the child, demands or forbids something, as a rule, without being interested in the opinion of the child himself and not allowing him to take the initiative. Often this is accompanied by negative comments about the child. Here is a typical example. Mom and daughter thirteen! years old came to visit, the hostess asks the girl: “What salad do you want to put?”. Mom intervenes before her daughter can say a word: “That one over there, without mayonnaise, and so she has already gained weight over the summer.” Curtain!

We emphasize that in the second form of overprotection, remarks are not necessarily made in a rude or disrespectful manner. NOTATIONS, EXPLANATIONS OR PERSISTENT REMINDERS are also its manifestations. Many parents will say: “I wouldn’t take care of him like that if he was independent and remembered everything himself.” However, INDEPENDENCE AND SELF-ORGANIZATION ARE FORMED GRADUALLY, they will not appear from nowhere at a certain age. When the children were small and learning to walk, at first they needed our help, we led them by the hand. Gradually they learned to walk on their own. The same thing happens with independence: it develops in stages, parents gradually complicate what they entrust to the child. But if you do everything for the child and help him too much, there is nowhere to take independence from. A kind of vicious circle arises: overprotection prevents the child from becoming independent, and we continue to patronize him.

Why does overprotection occur?

When a child is still very young, parents do almost everything for him: feed, dress, play with him. Gradually, the baby's abilities grow: he learns to walk, dress himself, he can already play by himself. Every year he needs the help of adults less and less, and the task of parents is to adapt to a new level of development of the child, reducing the number of guardianships. But it is not always possible to rebuild - and then the parents continue to take care of the child as actively, help, suggest.

The reasons for this may be different. Some strive to give their children what they themselves did not receive: for example, the grandmother worked and hardly delved into the lives of her children, who grew up, became parents themselves and are now ready to spend round the clock next to their child. Events from the life of the family can also affect: if at some stage the parents were very worried about the child (say, he was seriously ill or had an accident with him), if the child was hard to get (say, he was born after a long treatment, or there was a difficult pregnancy) . The personal characteristics of the parents also affect: the mother-boss, who is accustomed to lead her subordinates, often controls the children just as strictly.

Finally, parents, as well as grandparents, want to feel needed, in demand. Overprotection often becomes an opportunity to feel needed for the family. This is especially common in cases where family care becomes the main area of implementation: a non-working, or very anxious mother or retired grandmother is more likely to become overprotective. Let's take an example. There were many conflicts in the family between grandmother and grandson: the boy insisted that he could do many things himself (and his parents were ready to give him such an opportunity), and his grandmother tried to help him. Finally, when, after all, mom and dad decided to give their son more independence in some areas, the grandmother was indignant: “Well, if you don’t need me at all, you can send me to a nursing home.”

In some cases it can be helpful for parents to understand what leads to overprotection. This is the first step towards getting rid of it.

How does overprotection interfere with a child?

Let's ask ourselves simple questions: why do you need to raise a child at all and what is the main goal of parenthood? You can answer them in different ways, but the main thing will be present in all answers: we want to PREPARE CHILDREN for life so that they can be successful and happy in the society in which they will live. And for this, the child needs a sense of self-confidence, the ability to take the initiative, cope with difficulties and comply with the rules and norms existing in society.

An overprotective child finds it difficult to learn to be independent and independent because of so much care. With both types of overprotection, the child may have problems with self-esteem in the long run. In the indulgent version, self-esteem is usually very high, but extremely unstable, and children find it difficult to cope with failure. Overprotective and often anxious mothers often notice that their children react very violently to the slightest failure. And no wonder: the child is used to being indulged in everything and he is always in the first place.

In the second type, we often observe low self-esteem. The child grows up driven and insecure, because the mother always knows better, he is used to the fact that his opinion is not taken into account, and cannot insist on it.

Of course, all children are different, and they will react to overprotection in different ways: some children, with the onset of adolescence, will begin to actively protest, while others will finally take a passive position and will rely on their elders for everything. But in any case, the consequences will be negative.

How do you know if a parent is overprotective?

Try to answer these questions for yourself.
– Can you say that the upbringing of a child has become the main business of your life for you?
- Do you regularly forget (put aside) your interests in order to take care of a child?
- What part of the day do you spend with your child?
- Do you give up something very important for the sake of your child?

Naturally, we are not talking about one-time actions, but about sustainable trends. For example, it is clear that in the event of a daughter's illness, the mother will not go to the theater, but will stay with her. But if every time mom spends time outside the home, her daughter calls her under some pretext and mom immediately drops her business and rushes home, there is overprotection.

It also makes sense to observe how you communicate with your child.

– How do you help?
- Do you give the child the opportunity to take the initiative?
- Can you say that your child's peers do for themselves what you do for him?

What should overprotective parents do?

The obvious answer is to reduce the amount of care and assistance for the child. This is not easy to do, but it is possible, although it will require significant self-organization on the part of the parent.

Renunciation of overprotection does not mean that you can let the situation take its course and give the child complete freedom. He does not need this, and he is not ready for such freedom. It is important to turn guardianship into effective assistance. To do this, first of all, parents should be advised to teach their child to ask for help. No need to rush to the aid of the child as soon as he encounters difficulties. Let the parent wait until the child thinks and tries to cope with the difficulty that has arisen, and only then asks: “Do you need my help?”. If the child agrees, then you can clarify: “How exactly can I help you?”. If the child finds it difficult to answer, it is worth offering options to choose from: “Do you need to explain the problem or just sit next to you?”. If he refused, you don’t need to dissuade him that he can’t do it himself, it’s better to say: “Good. I'll be back in half an hour." And if after half an hour he still hasn’t done it, only here you can say: “I see that this is not an easy task. Let's try together."

Think about the area in which you could already stop helping the child - to do for him. It is enough to choose one thing, albeit insignificant: control over brushing your teeth, collection for a kindergarten, or a swimming pool. It is best if this is some business that the child himself likes and in which you can not interfere. Make it clear to the child that now he is doing this himself, it is necessary to periodically praise the child for the fact that he copes with this himself. After a while, it makes sense to expand this list and add something else there. If the child forgets, this should be his own problem: he didn’t go to the pool - he didn’t go swimming. Therefore, it is necessary to choose exactly such cases that parents are ready to FULLY give him at his mercy. Didn't bring mittens? So hands on a walk will have to be hidden in pockets. It is important not to prevent the child from facing the consequences of his own choice (not to take / forget / not be responsible), without trying with all his might to level the “inconvenience” that has arisen. This is the only way to bring up a mature, stable personality, capable of taking responsibility for their actions, for their relationships, and for their life in general.

And if a child comes to you with a question about a difficult situation, take your time with the answer. First, it is better to ask the child what he himself thinks about this? Or offer several options to choose from and ask what the child thinks is optimal? At the same time - to refrain from criticism or notations, only offering the tools of their own life experience in resolving difficult situations - and the choice is up to the child.

If parents tend to be dominant overprotective, it is important to learn to allow the child to take the initiative. Take an interest in the opinion of the child on certain issues, offer him a choice of several options, whether it is dishes for breakfast or the color of sneakers.

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