What are your expectations in a relationship

The Truth About Expectations in Relationships

I encourage couples to strive for the “good enough” relationship.

Many marital therapists tell couples to expect less. If you lower your expectations, the argument goes, then you won’t be disappointed by your partner.

Expectations are resentments waiting to happen.

— Esther Perel (@EstherPerel) May 22, 2016

This advice is wrong. Donald Baucom, a psychology professor at the University of North Carolina, studied marital expectations for a decade. He found that people get what they expect. People with low expectations tend to be in relationships where they are treated poorly, and people with high expectations tend to be in relationships where they are treated well.

This suggests that by having high standards, you are far more likely to achieve the kind of relationship you want than you are by looking the other way and letting things slide.

The “Good Enough” Relationship

I encourage couples to strive for the “good enough” relationship, which sounds like settling for less than best. Isn’t that contrary to Baucom’s research findings on marital expectations?

Allow me to explain.

In a good enough relationship, people have high expectations for how they’re treated. They expect to be treated with kindness, love, affection, and respect. They do not tolerate emotional or physical abuse. They expect their partner to be loyal.

This does not mean they expect their relationship to be free of conflict. Even happily married couples argue. Conflict is healthy because it leads to greater understanding.

People should not expect to solve all of the problems in their relationship, either. My Love Lab studies found that almost ⅔ of relationship conflict is perpetual. As Dr. Dan Wile says, “When choosing a long-term partner… you will inevitably be choosing a particular set of unsolvable problems.”

Further, it’s unrealistic to expect a relationship to heal childhood wounds, or to become a pathway to spiritual enlightenment or self-actualization. Eli Finkel, a psychology professor at Northwestern University, encourages couples to “recalibrate” their marital expectations for these existential needs.

So don’t settle for being treated poorly. As a father, the best way to buffer my daughter from being in a bad relationship in the future is to treat her with love and respect, so she will expect to be treated the same way by her partner.

In our empirically-based theory, the Sound Relationship House, we describe what couples in the good-enough relationship do and have. They are good friends. They have a satisfying sex life. They trust one another and are fully committed to one another. They can manage conflict constructively. That means they can arrive at mutual understanding and get to compromises that work. And they can repair effectively when they hurt one another.

They honor one another’s dreams, even if they’re different. They create a shared meaning system with shared values and ethics, beliefs, rituals, and goals. They agree about fundamental symbols like what a home is, what love is, and how to raise their children.

Expect that. You deserve it. It’s not unreasonable, and it’s achievable.

How can you know you’re in a happy relationship that’s both good for your health and everyone around you? Can such a thing be measured? It can! Take this quiz and find out how well you know your partner.

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Expectations in a Relationship: Reasonable vs Unrealistic Examples

How do we know if we’re asking too much from our partners? What if we’re asking too little? Expectations can shape the dynamics, set the tone for the relationship, and cultivate an atmosphere of support and safety. However, it is important to distinguish between reasonable and unreasonable expectations to avoid emotional distress from unmet needs or impossible standards.

What are expectations in a relationship?

Some may believe its best to not expect anything from your partner to avoid being let down. However, expectations may actually support you with cultivating healthy relationships. You may want to shoot for a “good enough” relationship that balances high expectations and recognizes unreasonable expectations in order to form a well-rounded partnership. Expectations may look like rules or guidelines to make sure all partners are contributing to and receiving the benefits of the relationship.

It’s normal for your expectations to be different from your partner’s

In a relationship, each partner brings a bounty of experiences, new perspectives, and values. You may prioritize some expectations more than your partner or the expectations may differ based on your individual experiences prior to entering the relationship. Consider what informs your expectations. Could your expectations be based on your prior relationships, your relationships with friends and family, or the relationship you have with yourself and your ability to meet your needs? Some expectations may be harder to meet or understand than others. Communicating about these differences and being realistic about expectations that may be more difficult to meet can foster a healthy relationship.

Communicating your expectations is critical to a healthy relationship

Even for couples that have been together for years, it is unrealistic to assume that our partner knows all our needs and wants and, therefore, our expectations. Reflect on how you have changed over time as an individual and how your needs and values may change in the future as well. Consider how expectations may also change based on the history of the relationship and how they may continue to change with transitions and milestones. Communication around expectations can be critical during transition periods such as becoming engaged, married, having children, and even during large moves and career changes. Clear expectations can help preserve a sense of stability and reliability as you navigate stressful situations together.

Moreover, lack of communication about expectations may lead to disconnection in which one partner may feel too much is being demanded of them or they may feel resentment that their partner is not present and supportive of them. This may contribute to emotional distance and if enough negative sentiment is present in the relationship, it may drive a partner to seek other options for intimacy or connection outside of the relationship.

10 reasonable expectations

The 10 reasonable relationship expectations listed below can help you evaluate and guide a discussion with your partner if you find that some of these are missing from your current relationship.

Mutual trust in each other.
Equal commitment to the relationship.
Shared affection and appreciation.
Empathy towards experiences and emotions.
Friendship and admiration in the relationship.
A satisfying sexual connection.
Mutual understanding and compromise.
Respect for differences.
Quality time.
Shared kindness and generosity.

1) Trust

Be curious about each other’s inner world and practice empathy towards their experiences, feelings, and needs to build trust over time. Trust promotes a secure attachment in which partners can feel safe to engage in their own interests and activities knowing their partner will be there to support them and provide reassurance upon their return.

2) Commitment

Understand each other’s commitment to the relationship and discuss the behaviors that demonstrate the level of commitment to prevent burnout or feelings of resentment when one partner perceives that they are giving more than they get in return. Equal commitment is also essential to building a relationship where both partners feel validated and part of a team.

3) Affection & appreciation

Discuss expressions of love and affection especially when you and your partner prefer different love languages. For example, one may prefer words of affirmation while the other may prefer acts of service. Practice communicating affection towards your partner in their love language rather than your own to validate as this may be more impactful when appreciating your partner for who they are and how they contribute to the relationship.

4) Empathy

Express empathy by building curiosity towards each other’s experiences and validating the accompanying emotions. This can be done through asking open-ended questions about your partner’s experience and setting logic aside to consider why the emotions make sense for your partner given their background. The goal is to understand their perspective rather than needing to agree with their response or provide a solution.

5) Friendship

Cultivate friendship in the relationship through demonstrating interest in each other, which may include active listening throughout the day and making time to engage in the activities each person enjoys to combat feelings of loneliness or insignificance. Friendship builds safety and connection which may allow you to confide in and increase the amount of enjoyment shared between each other.

6) Satisfying sexual connection

Maintain a satisfying sexual relationship through open discussion about sexual needs and preferences including what to do when one partner is in the mood and the other is not. Conversations around the meaning of sex and where this was learned can also increase understanding and connection. For those that have experienced sexual trauma, individual therapy may be helpful in combating barriers and improving your sexual connection.

7) Understanding and compromise

Navigate unsolvable or recurring issues by understanding how each person experiences the situation to identify parts of the issue one can be flexible and inflexible about when seeking compromise. When compromising, prioritize the love in your relationship as each partner may need to yield in order to move past gridlock and potential stonewalling.

8) Respect

Respect for each other’s differences looks like withholding criticism and using curiosity to listen to and validate differing values, customs, or beliefs. Sharing compassion for each other’s differences can remind each you are part of a team and make it easier to view their differences as a strength and hold space for expression of these differences in the relationship.

9) Quality Time

Quality time can look like going on a date together, doing housework together, or doing other enjoyable activities. The main goal is to be present with each other during these experiences to promote connection and shared meaning. Being present may look like making eye contact, engaging in physical touch, and actively listening and responding to each other’s bids.

10) Kindness and generosity

Increase love in your relationship through demonstrating kindness and generosity when you each need support or after completing an action you appreciate such as communicating effectively or making dinner. It may be especially helpful to incorporate one action of kindness each day to promote a culture of friendship and appreciation within the relationship.

10 unrealistic expectations

Unrealistic expectations may contain absolutes or limitations on each other’s freedom. These may arise from relationships in which the attachment style is anxious-avoidant or insecure rather than secure. If you experience some of these expectations, read on to learn how to shift your focus to develop a more secure relationship with more realistic expectations.

No arguing is a sign of a good relationship.
Always know why and what you are feeling (mind reading).
Always be available when you are in distress.
No friends of the sex they are attracted to.
Always spending all your free time together.
Always in agreement with you.
Always needing to provide solutions.
Always forcing partner to change to avoid distress.
Always having sex on a regular basis.
Never changing appearance.

1) No arguments

While it’s not healthy to fight all the time, engaging in productive arguments or discussions promotes growth by sharing different perspectives and voicing concerns in order to make a positive change. Couples that avoid conflict may feel that they are “walking on eggshells” and may have a higher likelihood of building negative emotions towards their loved one that can threaten the fondness and admiration in the relationship in the future.

2) Mind reading

Expecting your partner to always know what you are thinking and feeling is usually impossible. Instead, provide context by sharing your emotions and your perception of the event to guide more productive conversations. When this expectation arises, consider whether there is an underlying need for connection and support that can be addressed through a discussion regarding greater consideration for each other.

3) Always available when in distress

Similar to mind reading, expecting your partner to provide comfort at every occasion may set them up for failure. Self-soothe to avoid stonewalling and emotionally draining your partner which can lead to resentment or withdrawal from interactions. Consider using coping strategies and other supports when your significant other is temporarily unavailable and process the experience with them later.

4) No friends of the sex they are attracted to

If you expect your partner to end friendships with people of the sex they are attracted to without clear suspicion of infidelity, this may create a hostile environment that can be conducive to negative sentiments including resentment. Consider exploring your fears and identifying if these can be resolved by building trust, commitment, attunement, or respect and admiration in the relationship.

5) Always spending free time together

It may be detrimental to the relationship to expect your partner to spend all their free time with you. Balancing spending time with each other with engaging in personal interests and friendships may increase relationship satisfaction and opportunities for quality time. Consider your values and the levels of trust and commitment in the relationship to identify a satisfying balance for all of you.

6) Always in agreement

It is not likely that two people with different life experiences will always be in agreement about their responses or perspectives in the relationship. Communicate with “I feel” statements and reflect back each other’s perspective to increase validation and empathy when experiencing distress when you perceive your partner is not supportive or is struggling to see your point of view.

7) Always providing solutions

It may not be reasonable to always provide solutions to each other when experiencing stressful situations. At times, providing a solution too soon can be dismissive or invalidating of a person’s emotions regarding the situation. It may also be impossible to find solutions to all problems. Shift to listening and empathizing with each other and ask if a solution is desired before suggesting it.

8) Always forcing change

At times, significant others can unintentionally behave in ways that can trigger you, but it is not realistic to always ask them to change their behaviors or personality. Frequently being forced to change can impact your self-esteem, sense of freedom, and safety in the relationship. Reflect on why the behavior causes distress and evaluate if the situation can be better addressed through challenging unhelpful thoughts or potentially seeking couples counseling to overcome the trigger.

9) Always having sex regularly

Factors like sex drive, stress, hormones, kids, and lack of communication about sex can impact the frequency of sex. Clarify what initiation looks like for each of you and explore possibilities of engaging in intimate touch, flirtation, or other forms of intimacy when either or both of you are not in the mood to engage in sex to preserve this connection.

10) Never changing appearance

Believing that your partner will never gain weight or retain their looks throughout time may contribute to shame or body image issues especially when this expectation is expressed through criticism. Accepting and loving your partner as they are can help you maintain fondness and admiration for them conducive to maintaining your level of attraction.

Talk with your partner about healthy expectations

If you noticed some of the unrealistic expectations exist within your relationship, consider why these are present and if they could be resolved by subscribing to healthy expectations instead. In some cases these expectations develop alongside retroactive jealousy from previous relationships. You may begin this conversation by exploring the goals of the relationship and how these healthy expectations may promote your goals through an “I feel” perspective. Be open to revisiting these conversations and adapting your expectations as the relationship evolves.

What to do when your expectations don’t align

When expectations are founded on differences in personality or values, these can turn into perpetual problems. Seeking compromise and furthering your understanding of your partner can support you with discussing these perpetual mismatched expectations. Work together to compromise by sharing the parts of the expectation that you are inflexible and flexible in and check to see how realistic the inflexible parts are. Ask questions to better understand why this expectation is important to them and reflect back your understanding to increase empathy around this expectation and your partner’s experience of it.

How High Expectations Kill Relationships: 5 Mistakes

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Relationship CrisisMan and Woman Practices how to

Relationship expectations are based on our early experiences. Children expect their parents to feed, protect and support them. But some parents do not take proper care of the child: they leave him alone for a long time, do not respond to his requests, are cold with him. If a child fails to get attention from parents, he feels abandoned and unnecessary. He is imbued with the conviction that he does not deserve love.

Growing up, we transfer to other people the thirst for love and attention that we could not get from our parents

We expect friends and loved ones to make up for what we lacked in childhood. If someone shows us kindness, we are ready to completely trust him. We believe (as in childhood): if we behave “good”, our chosen one will definitely appreciate and love us. But if he is not ready to accept this role, we lose interest in him and break off relations, not allowing them to develop.

1. In a happy relationship partners guess thoughts and anticipate each other's wishes

“He understands me perfectly. I can feel it even from a distance. It's like a telepathic link between us." When partners are passionate about each other or live together for a long time, they really tune in to each other. But the idea that someone should guess the meaning of our words and actions leads to disappointment and detachment from reality.

It is no coincidence that the belief that another person knows our secret thoughts and communicates with us through secret signs often accompanies mental disorders. For example, people who suffer from schizophrenia may build imaginary relationships with people they don't know well, waiting for messages, guidance, and protection from them.

2. There are no conflicts in a happy relationship

Everyone has moments of misunderstanding. No matter how you get along with each other, incidents still happen. Some couples believe that happiness is incompatible with quarrels so much that they try to avoid them under any pretext. As a result, “in the still waters” claims accumulate, which sooner or later break out.

3. Happy relationships are always the same as on a honeymoon

To be healthy and strong, relationships must develop. Each of us in the course of life experiences internal changes, crises, changes his views and priorities. To believe that relationships should always remain as they were at the very beginning is to deny the very variability of our nature.

4. Happy couples spend all their time together. Lovers do not get tired of each other's company

It is important for partners to spend time together in order to better understand each other, maintain warmth and affection. But at the same time, each of us has our own interests; everyone needs time for themselves. The desire to divide everything into two at all costs can lead to mutual irritation and estrangement.

5. If relationships need to be worked on, then something is wrong with them

One of the most common misconceptions is that harmonious relationships should develop smoothly. As soon as quarrels and resentments arise in a couple, this allegedly indicates that the partners initially made the wrong choice. But no relationship can be perfect right from the start. As in life in general, in relationships we go through trial and error. If the first serious disagreement makes one of the partners doubt his choice, he should think about whether he is ready for a serious relationship at all.

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About the author: Tara Bates-Dawford is a family psychologist, psychological consultant.

Text: Anton Soldatov Photo Credit: Getty Images

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10 false expectations that destroy relationships

November 22, 2021 Relations

So that reality does not disappoint, it is better to listen to your partner, and not to people's "wisdom".

You can listen to the article. If it's more convenient for you, turn on the podcast.

1. Partners must understand each other perfectly

The notion that in a harmonious relationship one always knows what the other is thinking extends beyond romantic relationships. For example, parents often believe that they see through their children, and then are very surprised when it turns out that they did not know them at all.

In love unions, the belief that partners should understand each other from a half-word is very harmful to both participants. First, it gives rise to resentment. Yes, you didn’t say anything to your partner, but he could have guessed what you meant. And if he or she can't read your mind, he or she may not love you that much.

Secondly, this stereotype prevents you from asking again when something is not clear to you. You must see through your partner, and therefore it is better to guess what he meant than to show your failure in telepathy.

Of course, couples who meet for a while begin to understand each other better and sometimes even guess thoughts. But it is still better not to neglect the gift that nature has given only to man - speech. In any controversial situation, explain or ask. This will help make life easier and eliminate many reasons for quarrels.

2. A partner will fit into your family model

Our understanding of relationships is not formed by itself. This is influenced by the model of the parental family, the environment, mass culture. As a result, for example, a guy whose mother “took out” the whole life on herself expects the same from his girlfriend. Or, on the contrary, he grew up in a family of partner parents and now hears with bewilderment how his beloved demands that he get a third job so that she can cook borscht at home.

It would seem that the idea that all people are different lies on the surface. But many ignore it when it comes to things familiar from childhood. Moreover, a familiar form of relationship can be uncomfortable for the person himself. However, instead of looking at what happens outside of it, he tries to fit himself and his partner into this Procrustean bed of habit. Finally, the situation itself does not look very fair, in which only one person has to adapt.

Of course, you can always find a lover with similar cockroaches in his head, and then the relationship will be simple and understandable. But it is much better to focus not on the usual framework, but on your feelings with your partner, gradually building an interaction model that will please both.

3. The partner is obliged to provide sex on demand

This expectation even has a name - marital duty. And often it is used without any irony: if one in a couple wants sex, the other is supposedly obliged to provide intimacy. This topic has come up a lot lately, and it seems like a lot of people have figured out that non-consensual sex is rape, even if the participants are in a relationship.

However, the problem here is not only on the “customer” side. He may not know that the partner does not want sex, because the other side may have the same delusions in his head that prevent him from refusing.

And, contrary to popular belief, this is not only a women's problem. The masculine image of approval is the male who thinks about sex 24/7 and just can't say no. And therefore it is difficult for a man to refuse, because otherwise he will cease to correspond to this image. Although in fact he may get tired, feel bad, prefer more interesting things.

As a result, because of their own delusions, a person of either sex agrees to have sex, heroically endures, and then gets angry at a partner, although he has no idea what he was guilty of. There is only one solution here - to talk and see each other as people, not objects to satisfy needs.

4. Partners spend all their time together

A well-known joke says that family replaces everything, so you have to decide what is more important: everything or family. And in life, some people in serious relationships want partners to spend all the time with them.

And it doesn't look like this: “You're into sword fighting and macramé. I’ll try to get into it too so that we go to classes together.” Usually the opposite happens: "I'm not interested in sword fighting and macrame, so you won't do it anymore." As a result, the partners sit on the sofa in front of the TV, and from the common activities they only have food. They lost their personal interests, but did not acquire joint interests.

Relationships should become part of life, not replace it. So nothing criminal will happen if you do not spend all your free time together. Quality is more important than quantity here.

5. Partners in harmonious relationships do not quarrel

It seems that scandals are the lot of unhappy couples. Happy people just agree on everything with a smile, without raising their voices, and always find a compromise. Of course it isn't.

No matter how much you love each other, you will periodically quarrel, lose control, say hurtful words and even scream. It is much more important how you resolve conflicts, whether you admit mistakes, whether you are ready to ask for forgiveness and do everything so that you no longer swear about the same thing.

6. Your partner will definitely change

Thanks to your efforts, after marriage or after the birth of a child - in any case, this is one of the most dangerous delusions that makes you not only get involved in initially failed relationships, but also develop them without receiving any return.

Usually in the position of a person who is trying to remake a partner, but while suffering and enduring his shortcomings, there is a lot of sacrifice. Such a person is to be pitied. But let's look at it from the other side: it turns out that he fell in love with the image in his head and is now trying to fit another into it. And he believes that he has every right to do so. Doesn't sound very nice, does it?

The idea that to love means to accept a person with all faults is utopian. If something in him is annoying, you will periodically experience negative emotions about this. But already at the start it is better to understand whether you can continue the relationship if the partner never changes.

It's not even that people don't change - this just happens. But a person does this when he wants to, and not always in the direction in which you expected.

7. The partner must stop communicating with the opposite sex

Sometimes partners are required to stop all contact with people of the opposite sex. It happens that the demands reach the point of absurdity, for example, to remove all women or men from friends in social networks or to move to another job where the team is gender homogeneous. The logic here is this: “You have already found your partner, then why do you need to communicate with the opposite sex? And if you still want it, then you are looking for a replacement.

Fortunately or unfortunately, but, unlike the genders, which are somewhat more numerous, there are only two sexes on Earth: male and female. And from childhood, a person builds relationships with representatives of both. It is rather strange to assume that he communicates with all people of the opposite sex solely because of intimate interest. There are, in the end, family ties and job descriptions that make this necessary, and no one has canceled friendship.

If jealousy eats you up, then you have to fight against it, and not against your partner's environment.

8. A partner will never let you down

Trust is an important thing in a relationship. And it is perfectly normal to hope that the partner always acts in the common interest and can always be counted on. But sometimes he will make mistakes. This is not because he is bad or does not love you. He's not just a robot, but an ordinary person. Sometimes he will put himself first, show weakness, experience stress, procrastinate in making decisions. And you, by the way, too.

Errors vary in scale. Some of them suggest that you need to remember the human nature of your partner and support him. For others, you will have to make a decision whether to forgive or not. But to demand from the chosen one to be perfect in any case is not worth it.

9. Relationships will solve all problems

In films, love is the magic pill for everything. You get to know your soul mate and improve not only your personal life: work issues are resolved, all illnesses go away, and the sun shines at least 12 hours a day. Therefore, when something is not going well in life, people sometimes desperately seek love instead of dealing with existing problems.

Relationships can greatly improve your life, but don't expect supernatural things from them. Responsibility for the rest of the realms of existence is still yours.

10. Relationships will never end

Take a marriage contract. People often do not sign it for superstitious reasons: "If we start talking about divorce now, we will soon part." Often, for similar reasons, a will is not written. However, no one has yet been able to live forever, and there are only more problems without an appropriate document.

It's nice to think you'll never be apart. If you're lucky, that's the way it will be, and no marriage contracts will change that. But to completely deny the possibility that one day you can disperse is naive and even dangerous, primarily from an economic point of view. A broken heart hurts, but an empty stomach won't ease the pain.

Therefore, it is good to agree on certain issues before your relationship begins to deteriorate and you begin to hate each other. For example, how you will divide the property and with whom the cat will remain. If these arrangements never come in handy, so be it.

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