Building confidence as a woman

How to Build Confidence as a Woman I Psych Central

Practicing self-compassion and learning to build boundaries are just some of the ways you can help boost your self-esteem.

Cultivating higher self-esteem is important as it can benefit your well-being and positively affect your relationships, health, and career.

Women can have a particularly difficult time developing and maintaining self-confidence. They tend to focus more on caring for others rather than themselves.

This can leave some women with no time for self-development or self-care.

So, how can women develop self-confidence? Learning what causes your low self-esteem can help.

Language matters

Sex and gender exist on a spectrum. We use “women” in this article to reflect the term assigned at birth. But gender is solely about how you identify yourself, independent of your physical body.

Acknowledging the reasons behind your low self-esteem is a good first step to becoming more confident.

Rumination

Rumination is a continuation of negative thinking patterns. It can include mulling over past mistakes and pessimistic thoughts regarding the future.

A 2019 research paper found a direct link between low self-esteem and self-critical rumination.

Negative self-talk

Engaging in thoughts about perceived shortcomings, self-criticism, and self-blame can fuel the flames of rumination.

Negative self-talk can then reinforce low levels of self-esteem, which continues the cycle.

Childhood trauma

A 2021 study linked childhood abuse and bullying to lower levels of self-esteem.

In the study, more than 3,600 university students were sent a survey. Researchers found a significant positive correlation between childhood trauma and low self-esteem. But the study was limited and more research is needed.

Abusive relationships

If you experienced childhood sexual abuse, you might be vulnerable to revictimization in adulthood, according to research from 2017. This can lead to symptoms of complex trauma, which include a distorted self-image.

Regardless of your childhood trauma history, abusive relationships can take a toll on self-esteem at any age.

Sociocultural factors

Several sociocultural factors can also affect a woman’s self-esteem.

Violence: A 2015 review indicates that violence against women, especially minority women, is disproportionately high. Women have a higher chance of experiencing intimate partner violence and sexual assault in their lifetime — all traumatic events that can lead to issues with self-esteem.
Diet: The prevalence of diet culture can contribute to the disproportionate number of eating disorders and body image issues among women, according to a 2016 study. Objectification in media can also cause women to seek excessive external validation from others for their appearance rather than building self-esteem that incorporates both external and internal qualities.
Dating: Hookup culture and double standards in dating may also negatively affect a woman’s self-esteem, especially since some women may be socialized to not prioritize their own needs in relationships and may be prone to people-pleasing. A 2020 study revealed that women who engaged in casual sex for non-autonomous reasons (such as wanting to please others rather than for their own enjoyment) were associated with low self-esteem and greater depression in women than in men.
Racism: Women of color are at a particular higher chance of experiencing racism, racial microaggressions, racial stereotyping, and fetishization — all of which can affect self-esteem, especially in the workplace and in relationships.
Prejudice: Women may also have internalized prejudice and be socially conditioned to compare themselves with other women. These unhealthy comparisons can lead to lower self-esteem.

There are strategies you can try that may help boost your self-confidence.

Address negative self-talk and show yourself self-compassion

It may be helpful to take an inventory of your daily thought patterns. Pay particular attention to ruminative thoughts regarding the past or pessimistic thoughts regarding the future, as well as self-disparaging statements.

What negative automatic thoughts arise (e.g., “I shouldn’t have done that”)?
What healthy, balanced alternatives can you slowly begin to replace these thoughts with (e.g., “Nobody’s perfect. I’m doing my best.”)?

Build mastery and agency

Whether it’s learning a new skill, enrolling in a class, or taking small steps toward your dreams, building mastery and self-actualization are vital ways to grow and maintain self-esteem.

When you feel capable of achieving your goals, you own your agency in a society that may have taught you to play small and discouraged you from honoring your true desires.

Engage in body-mind healing modalities

Promote agency and mastery over your mind and body with mindfulness yoga or meditative practices such as a daily body scan or quiet walks in nature.

Try to find an exercise routine you enjoy, whether it’s a Zumba class or dancing to your favorite music.

A 2022 study linked regular exercise to greater self-esteem, self-efficacy, and body awareness in adults. But more research is needed.

Cut back on people-pleasing and detach from toxic relationships that drain you

It can be difficult to maintain high self-esteem when your boundaries are being violated or when you’re forgoing your needs and wants to please others.

Slowly begin to detach from interactions that are taking up excessive time and energy and practice saying no.

Ask yourself, “Do I really want to spend my time with this person? Or do I feel obligated to do so?”

Challenge your own internalized misogyny and social stereotypes

Identify any harmful societal beliefs that may have been instilled in you that are still holding you back.

Rather than competing with others or disparaging yourself, practice appreciating your unique qualities and embracing your irreplaceability. It may be helpful to write down a list of qualities you admire about yourself and the ones others notice and appreciate in you.

Getting in touch with who you are and the unique traits you bring to the table can increase self-appreciation and self-esteem.

If you identify as a woman, your self-esteem can be affected by many individual and sociocultural factors.

It’s important to identify your unique risk factors and engage in activities that promote positive self-talk, healthy boundaries, nourishing relationships, and self-compassion.

If you want to know more about how to build your self-esteem, consider reaching out to a mental health professional. They can help point out where low self-esteem shows up in your life and guide you toward positive change.

They can also help you identify the cause of your low self-esteem, so you can create new thought patterns and become more confident.

If you’re unsure where to start, you can check out Psych Central’s hub on finding mental health and support.

——–

Shahida Arabi, MA, is a summa cum laude graduate of Columbia University and best-selling author of three books, including “Becoming the Narcissist’s Nightmare and Power.” Her new book, “The Highly Sensitive Person’s Guide to Toxic People,” published by New Harbinger Publications, is available in all major bookstores. Her viral articles have garnered over 18 million views and her work has been featured on Psychology Today, Salon, Bustle, Psych Central, The Huffington Post, Inc., Origin, Thought Catalog, VICE, and The New York Daily News. She’s currently a graduate student at Harvard University conducting research on romantic relationships with individuals with narcissistic and psychopathic traits.

30 Confidence Boosting Tips For Women, Tested

Illustrated by Assa Ariyoshi.

"Stop hunching over like you’re trying to fit your body through a tube," my posture coach encouraged me as I tried to feign confidence in front of the gaggle of strangers watching me.

Since the age of five, and possibly even before, I can remember being told to be more confident. People would encourage me to step into this head-held-high, strong-backboned version of myself – a sort of Anya 2.0, waiting just a few steps ahead. But what they never actually told me was how to get there.

According to a report commissioned by Dove's Self-Esteem Project, entitled "Real Girls, Real Pressure: A National Report on the State of Self-Esteem", seven in 10 girls believe they are not good enough or do not measure up in some way when it comes to their appearance, performance in school and relationships with family and friends.

The statistics are equally bleak as we reach adulthood. In 2019, research carried out by My Confidence Matters and the University of Glasgow found that 79% of women lack confidence at work as well as in other areas of life.

Six months ago I decided I wanted to learn how to foster more confidence in myself. I asked confident friends, colleagues, family members and even an ex-teacher what they felt had most encouraged their self-confidence. I ended up with a list of 30 suggestions and, over the next few months, I diligently tried them all. Which is how I ended up at a 'posture perfecting' class, 'resetting my scapula' so my chest could bloom outwards in what I know was meant to feel like a display of confidence.

I never went back to that class, although my friend Rosie, who suggested it, said it had helped her lead meetings at work. I did however keep moving forwards with the other 29 suggestions. Some were straightforward: get your hair done. Some were exhilarating: try boxing. Others were so terrifying that my stomach curdled in the weeks running up to them (stand-up comedy class, I’m looking at you).

Start small

Let's start with the easier suggestions. These are the ones I saved for days when I felt small, when coercing myself into the bigger exercises (like attending a party alone) was categorically Not Going To Happen.

On these days, I practised low-lift exercises like reciting affirmations, assuming power poses in the mirror and listening to a hypnosis recording (this one from Audible is great). These didn’t require me to step out and roar at the world, instead encouraging a gentle rebellion against my negative self-talk.

I found some success with each one. Although cheesy, reciting affirmations was my favourite. Each morning for several weeks I would think about how I was feeling about myself; far too often it was a variation of I’m not good enough. I would then create a positive affirmation from it; something like I am good enough and I can do anything.

I would write this thought down, stand in front of the mirror, look myself in the eye and repeat it over and over for five minutes. It’s not enough simply to say the words – you need to say them in such a way that if someone were standing beside you, they would believe you meant it.

"Using affirmations can retrain your subconscious to believe something new," mindset coach Poppy Delbridge tells me. "If you consciously 'talk' to yourself in a new way with repetition, you can disrupt old mind chatter by creating new neural pathways (the pathways through which our nervous system communicates and controls our body) in your brain and retraining the way you think, and therefore act."

How do I look?

Various people suggested changing up my appearance as a way to foster confidence, particularly when it comes to dating or making new friends.

"I always get my hair done when I’m going into something new, whether it’s a date or a job interview," an old schoolfriend told me, reminding me that the post-breakup haircut is a cliché for a reason. "Who broke your heart?" my hairdresser once asked when I demanded he turn my long blonde hair into a chocolate bob.

Getting my hair done is nothing new to me as a paid-up member of the bleach club, but this time I paid attention to how I felt as I left the salon: the way I swayed my hips more in time with the buoyant swish of my hair, how I stood a little taller and smiled a little wider at other people and at my own reflection in shop windows as I passed.

Did I feel more confident? Yes. Did it last? Yes, it did, for at least a week. "This is why people get weekly blowdries," my friend told me when I explained the fading feeling of confidence, and for the first in my life I understood why.

We all make snap judgements on first impressions, and we know others do the same to us, so it stands to reason that putting our best foot – or hair – forwards and taking control of our image is the most immediate change we can effect in ourselves.

Reaching out to others

I really connected with the suggestion to help others. It came from a particularly self-assured ex-teacher of mine. "If you can’t do something for yourself," she told me, "do it for others and it will soon come."

Of course it’s generally just good to be kind, but the psychology behind her comment fascinated me. Helping those in need activates the mesolimbic system, the portion of the brain responsible for feelings of reward and happiness. So by contributing to the greater good, you can build self-esteem and create a positive relationship with yourself.

Another unexpectedly successful suggestion came from a colleague who recommended I reach out to five people who inspire me and invite them for coffee. And so I did, feeling distinctly like I was about to ruin my career. All five replied.

Bar one who had moved out of town, I met them all for coffee and am still in contact with two. I received several big article commissions from the exercise – one for a publication I’d wanted to contribute to for a long time – and lots of really useful advice about my career.

The most confidence-affirming part of the exercise, though, was that not one of the people I met was the Miranda Priestly-type character I had imagined. Several seemed more nervous than me and almost all of them asked "Was I helpful?" at the end of our meeting.

The deep end

The terrifying pinnacle of the whole process was the stand-up comedy class suggested by my cousin, who used to do small stand-up gigs. "If you can show your metaphorical knickers on stage and get through it, you can show them anywhere," she told me.

I signed up to a beginners' course (£75 with The Comedy School) and arrived a few weeks later, wobbling from the mouth down, breathing heavily in terror.

Contrary to what I expected, there was no one waiting to shove me onstage under an unforgiving spotlight. At least not straightaway. Instead, we talked about how to turn a story into a successful anecdote. It was relaxed and friendly – but then the session ended with each of us performing a short sketch.

I forced myself to go first to get it over with and was met with laughs and stunted silences in equal measure. But when my five minutes were up, I realised that I didn’t care how my jokes had gone, I was just thankful it was over.

This was one of my main takeaways from the whole experiment. You can’t control others' emotions any more than the next person but you should still get up and speak your truth. Trust me, once you’ve stood on a stage and tried to make a room full of people laugh, nothing will ever be as scary.

Going forwards

Perhaps my biggest learning from my quest for confidence is that it’s not about the specific things that you do but how often you do them. Confidence is not something we attain and then bank forever; we need to continually work at it as we evolve, as circumstances change and life bends in directions we never saw coming. It is a relationship that we will work on for the rest of our lives.

Confidence coach Lucy Baker confirms as much. "Confidence can be built relatively quickly but like any form of self-development it is different for each individual and depends on how much work that individual is prepared to put in." She says it's important to understand what's preventing you from feeling confident so that you can "work through what’s holding [you] back, or even eradicate it entirely. Then, from a clean slate, [you] can build confidence up. "

I can’t predict what the future will throw at me or you or any of us, but I do know that doing everything we can to meet it with confidence is better than any crystal ball.

There’s a lot of convincing to do in this world; let’s convince ourselves first.

The 30 things I tried to boost my confidence

1. Joined a posture class
2. Took a public speaking session
3. Attended a stand-up comedy course
4. Practised power poses
5. Recited affirmations
6. Got my hair done
7. Read You are a Badass by Jen Sincero
8. Practised naked yoga (I tried this one at home)
9. Saw a confidence coach
10. Spoke to a comparison coach
11. Went to boxing classes
12. Went to a party on my own
13. Emailed five people I look up to
14. Wore matching underwear
15. Went to a beauty masterclass
16. Wrote down limiting beliefs
17. Read Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway by Susan Jeffers
18. Worked to define my purpose – my 'why'
19. Adopted the 'fake it 'til you make it' ethos
20. Wore high heels
21. Signed up to play netball (spoiler: I was rubbish)
22. Took credit for my achievements
23. Accepted compliments rather than batting them away
24. Made lots of eye contact
25. Did something I’d put off for a while
26. Listened to a hypnosis recording
27. Controlled my scroll (identified who made me feel bad about myself on social media and then muted or unfollowed them)
28. Helped others
29. Took dance classes
30. Went on holiday on my own (in the UK)

6 characteristics of self-confident women

“Confidence and high self-esteem are the key to happiness for any woman. And confidence primarily depends on our ideas about ourselves and past life experiences,” says psychotherapist and life coach David Schroeder.

When we look in a mirror, our beliefs influence how we perceive our own reflection. The more confident we feel, the better we evaluate our appearance.

“The area of the brain responsible for self-criticism and negative thinking is larger and better developed in women than in men,” explains neuropsychiatrist Louanne Brizendine, author of The Women's Brain.

It turns out that fluctuations in the level of hormones in the female body can significantly affect self-esteem. And yet, many literally exude confidence, despite all the peculiarities of their brains and all the burden of negative life experiences. And with their confidence, they attract other happy and confident people to them.

What does such a woman feel when she looks in the mirror? Does she see perfection there? Not at all. Confident women evaluate themselves quite realistically. But at the same time, looking at their reflection, they see not only their external appearance, but also their inner strength.

1. They can see beauty in their imperfections

Confident women are well aware of their physical features (as well as internal ones). However, they are not only not afraid to recognize them, but also do not evaluate themselves according to them. They do not believe that small flaws outweigh or detract from their undoubted merits.

“Our dark sides do not make us defective, but on the contrary, complete,” says Deepak Chopra in The Shadow Effect. Confident people soberly assess themselves and accept themselves for who they are. Their life credo: accepting our imperfection, we discover new talents and strengths in ourselves.

2. They are aware of their strength and vulnerability

They remember all the difficulties they faced and overcame, and respect themselves for their resilience. Yes, they may still have a need to please others. Perhaps they crave love and acceptance. But they have learned to control these needs and not lose themselves by trying to adapt to those around them.

3. They know that confidence does not eliminate fears and doubts

Confident women love themselves. They know their strengths and value them. But they are also clearly aware of their own fears and doubts. They know that if they accept these fears and doubts as inevitable, they will no longer seem so frightening.

Such women trust their intuition and believe that they will cope with any difficulties (even if they overcome fear). “The quality of your life is directly related to your ability to endure uncertainty,” says life coach and motivational workshop leader Tony Robbins.

4. Confident women see the results of their decisions

They always take responsibility for the decisions they make and the choices they make without trying to blame others. And it doesn’t matter whether it’s about financial well-being or waist circumference, a confident woman is responsible for her own happiness and health.

They have long understood that no one is obliged to please them and make them happy. They know that it is not always possible to make only the right decisions, so they especially appreciate the good choice and know how to learn from mistakes.

5. They have a clear system of values

A self-confident woman has a goal in life and a clear system of principles and values, which she steadily adheres to on the way to this goal.

6. Despite all the difficulties, they know how to live easily and have fun

“They say that angels can fly because nothing bothers them. Similarly, confident women, without denying the difficulties of life, know how to take them not too seriously, ”emphasizes David Schroeder. They know perfectly well that in the life of each of us there are "black stripes".

They acknowledge their mistakes and failures and smile in the mirror knowing that they have learned important lessons from past difficulties and failures. Despite this, they sometimes allow themselves to be a little childish: to have fun, to act frivolously, to fool around. This helps them overcome life's trials with ease and grace.

Top 10 tips for women

🐱‍🏍 How to become more confident - tips for women

Ladies, the following tips will help you and show you how easy it is to increase self-esteem. In particular, in our time, it is more important than ever to show a woman that you do not allow yourself to be disrespected. So get ready!

There are probably an infinite number of reasons why you can become more confident. Be more popular with men, present yourself more effectively at work, or communicate more easily with other people.

So, whatever your reason, these tips are sure to help you become more confident. You just have to dare to follow them. Because don't forget: Self-confidence is not something you inherit. Do you understand.

1. Bring more positivity into your life.

People with self-doubt usually have one thing in common: they are incredibly negative. They see danger in everything and avoid other people just because they have had bad experiences from time to time. But it will lower your self-confidence.

Quiz:

What planet are you?

Are you wondering which planet in our solar system is most like you? It's time to find out!

Start the quiz

Focus on the positive! Especially with people around you. If you hit your head, don't start cursing and ranting. Just shrug and laugh. How to deal with the stones that life throws at you is up to you.

Don't let failure discourage you and try to surround yourself with as many positive, enthusiastic people as possible. Trust me, it's contagious. At some point, you yourself will begin to radiate positivity. And the more you love fun, the more self-confidence you will have.

Also, try to make your phrase as positive as possible. For variety, omit the negatives and rephrase the sentences. So instead of saying “I can't do this” say “I still need to learn this.” Do you see? This leads to a completely different way of looking at things!

1. Give rest to the past

This advice goes hand in hand with the previous one. Don't think about the past all the time. End with what was. There is no point in spending hours after hours thinking or crying about things that cannot be changed. Something like that just drags you down.

N e w !

Play

It is very important to forgive people and especially yourself. What happened yesterday defines who you are, but you still control where you go. Live here and now, not yesterday. Look ahead!

Look to the future with optimism. This will build confidence and help you finish what was.

1. Pay attention to your body language.

You and your body are always communicating. If you allow your shoulders and head to droop, you are signaling to others that you have low self-esteem and lowering it at the same time. So try to adopt a healthy and confident posture. This means that the shoulders are laid back, the back is straight, the stomach is pulled in.

Also be careful not to cross your arms and legs. This is the same protection as lowering the head and shoulders. Therefore, try to adopt an open posture, especially when talking to someone.

Also avoid touching your face or neck while talking. Keep your hands away from these areas and focus on your opponent.

👉 We offer you: How to start a conversation on Tinder

Also be careful not to be nervous. Take a deep breath and don't move like a scared chicken. Calm down and stay cool.

You will find that if you use body language to show confidence, others will accept it too. So it just keeps growing!

1. Show confidence in the world around you.

You may have heard the saying “Fake it until you make it” before. So just pretend to be someone and in time it will become a reality.

So what does this mean in your case? Just try to pretend to be incredibly confident, even if your heart is beating. You will see that your self-confidence grows over time and you no longer have to pretend!

You should also dress confidently. If you've always wanted to wear clothes that are too unusual for you, just try them on! You might also get a new, bouncy haircut or a different make-up than usual. More or less - or even at all! There are many options for changing things. You must dare to bite the bullet and try new things. You can change your style at any time and your hair will grow back. So take courage!

🤓 Here are 13 top tips to keep your relationship healthy

1. Exercise regularly and eat a balanced diet.

You must have heard a hundred times that exercise is good for health. But you may not know that exercise also helps you gain self-confidence.

When you exercise, your body releases many hormones that not only make you happier and more alert, but also increase your self-esteem.

But not only hormones, but also the obvious benefits of sports increase your self-confidence. You get better, you believe in yourself more, and your body becomes more beautiful and healthier. Your energy level will also increase, as will your ability to concentrate. All this also builds your confidence.

The main thing is that you find what you like. There are so many sports, just try everything you can think of.

But in addition to exercise, you can also boost your self-confidence with a balanced diet. Junk food is poison to the body and mind. Also, you can tell if that's all you're eating. Make sure you eat freshly prepared foods and, above all, lots of vegetables. Avoid sugar and processed foods, and eat less meat.

If you stick to it, your body will thank you. Your skin becomes clearer and more beautiful, and you feel more comfortable around you, which in turn leads to increased self-esteem.

1. Flirt

Believe me, with the power of flirting, you can greatly increase your confidence level! In doing so, one also overcomes the fear of rejection. Because the more you flirt, the more you see that there is nothing tragic about rejection. So take the first step and be brave.

In addition, as a woman, you have the advantage that men know how difficult it is to muster up the courage to make the first move. They will respect this and be friendly most of the time. What are you waiting for?!

Flirting will also show you how attractive you are to the opposite sex. You don't even have to flirt if you don't want to. You can't just make a conversation with them too. Compliment them honestly or just ask for directions. The more you dare to speak to others, the greater your self-confidence. However, please only flirt if you are single or if your partner has no problem flirting.

1. Pursue goals, dreams, and hobbies.

I bet you have something that you have been thinking about for a very long time. Maybe it's a dream or a goal. Maybe you've always wanted to learn a new instrument or a new language. Maybe you even want a boyfriend or write a book? Who knows?

But stop thinking about it. Act! If you have goals that you actively pursue, your self-doubts will resolve over time. However, the most important thing is to plan carefully and practice self-discipline. You have to pay attention to which steps are needed for what.

This is great, for example, if you want to learn how to play a musical instrument. But first you need to get a tool, either enroll in a course or study it yourself at home with the help of books or the Internet. You may also have set yourself the goal of playing a certain song for six months. It is only important that you constantly engage in this business and do not throw it into a dead end.

Set achievable goals for yourself, preferably daily. Take a step towards your dream every day. Your confidence will grow and you will eventually achieve things you have never been able to do before! This will fill you with pride, which in turn will boost your confidence.

Passion also builds self-confidence. If you really enjoy doing something, try to integrate it into your daily routine as much as possible.

Do you like to draw, but you don't have time or energy for it in the evening after work? Then you should consider this passion as some kind of reward for a busy day and just take your time or scribble a little in your scrapbook during your lunch break. You can always find ways and means. So stop looking for excuses.

1. Demand respect

In particular, women often face the problem of not being respected, especially by men. It is still deeply rooted in society.

But when you have a lot of self-doubt, it can be hard to stand up for yourself and demand respect. But if you do - oh boy, trust me - it will give your confidence a real boost.

But as I said, it's not easy. It is better to start with small steps. Suppose you often face the problem of being disrespected by friends or family, or that no one listens to you. In that case, you should do something about it. After all, you should be comfortable around them, right?

To gain respect, try to speak firmly but politely about the problem. Don't raise your voice, but be serious. The more you stand up for yourself, the more self-confidence you will have and the more people will respect you.

1. Have your own opinion

It is also important that you have your own opinion. Do not repeat everything that is said around you. It's perfectly okay to disagree with other people on everything. If they don't agree with it, tell them what you just read. : It's perfectly fine to disagree.

However, in order to have your own opinion, you must first form it. It is best to look at the arguments from all sides in a completely neutral way and draw your own conclusions from them. If you consult only the statements of friends and acquaintances, you run the risk of only saying what they want to hear. It doesn't help much in terms of respect either.

Stay true to your opinion and don't be a flag in the wind just because you don't want to step on anyone's foot. However, if the argument seems convincing to you, you can of course accept this opinion. However, it is better to believe the facts, and not some obscure theories.

It is also perfectly normal to have no opinion on certain matters. There are too many topics in this world to deal with them all. So don't be afraid to admit that you haven't paid too much attention to specific issues. There is nothing to be ashamed of. Recognition for something will bring you not only respect, but also confidence.

Learn more