Toxic for you
Toxic People: 12 Things They Do and How to Deal with Them
by Karen Young
We have all had toxic people dust us with their poison. Sometimes it’s more like a drenching. Difficult people are drawn to the reasonable ones and all of us have likely had (or have) at least one person in our lives who have us bending around ourselves like barbed wire in endless attempts to please them – only to never really get there.
Their damage lies in their subtlety and the way they can engender that classic response, ‘It’s not them, it’s me.’ They can have you questioning your ‘over-reactiveness’, your ‘oversensitivity’, your ‘tendency to misinterpret’. If you’re the one who’s continually hurt, or the one who is constantly adjusting your own behaviour to avoid being hurt, then chances are that it’s not you and it’s very much them.
Being able to spot their harmful behaviour is the first step to minimising their impact. You might not be able to change what they do, but you can change what you do with it, and any idea that toxic somebody in your life might have that they can get away with it.
There are plenty of things toxic people do to manipulate people and situations to their advantage. Here are 12 of them. Knowing them will help you to avoid falling under the influence:
They’ll keep you guessing about which version of them you’re getting.
They’ll be completely lovely one day and the next you’ll be wondering what you’ve done to upset them. There often isn’t anything obvious that will explain the change of attitude – you just know something isn’t right. They might be prickly, sad, cold or cranky and when you ask if there’s something wrong, the answer will likely be ‘nothing’ – but they’ll give you just enough to let you know that there’s something. The ‘just enough’ might be a heaving sigh, a raised eyebrow, a cold shoulder. When this happens, you might find yourself making excuses for them or doing everything you can to make them happy. See why it works for them?
Stop trying to please them. Toxic people figured out a long time ago that decent people will go to extraordinary lengths to keep the people they care about happy. If your attempts to please aren’t working or aren’t lasting for very long, maybe it’s time to stop. Walk away and come back when the mood has shifted. You are not responsible for anybody else’s feelings. If you have done something unknowingly to hurt somebody, ask, talk about it and if need be, apologise. At any rate, you shouldn’t have to guess.
If you feel as though you’re the only one contributing to the relationship, you’re probably right. Toxic people have a way of sending out the vibe that you owe them something. They also have a way of taking from you or doing something that hurts you, then maintaining they were doing it all for you. This is particularly common in workplaces or relationships where the balance of power is out. ‘I’ve left that six months’ worth of filing for you. I thought you’d appreciate the experience and the opportunity to learn your way around the filing cabinets.’ Or, ‘I’m having a dinner party. Why don’t you bring dinner. For 10. It’ll give you a chance to show off those kitchen skills. K?’
You don’t owe anybody anything. If it doesn’t feel like a favour, it’s not.
They won’t own their feelings.
Rather than owning their own feelings, they’ll act as though the feelings are yours. It’s called projection, as in projecting their feelings and thoughts onto you. For example, someone who is angry but won’t take responsibility for it might accuse you of being angry with them. It might be as subtle as, ‘Are you okay with me?’ or a bit more pointed, ‘Why are you angry at me,’ or, ‘You’ve been in a bad mood all day.’
You’ll find yourself justifying and defending and often this will go around in circles – because it’s not about you. Be really clear on what’s yours and what’s theirs. If you feel as though you’re defending yourself too many times against accusations or questions that don’t fit, you might be being projected on to. You don’t have to explain, justify or defend yourself or deal with a misfired accusation. Remember that.
They’ll make you prove yourself to them.
They’ll regularly put you in a position where you have to choose between them and something else – and you’ll always feel obliged to choose them. Toxic people will wait until you have a commitment, then they’ll unfold the drama. ‘If you really cared about me you’d skip your exercise class and spend time with me.’ The problem with this is that enough will never be enough. Few things are fatal – unless it’s life or death, chances are it can wait.
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They never apologise.
They’ll lie before they ever apologise, so there’s no point arguing. They’ll twist the story, change the way it happened and retell it so convincingly that they’ll believe their own nonsense.
People don’t have to apologise to be wrong. And you don’t need an apology to move forward. Just move forward – without them. Don’t surrender your truth but don’t keep the argument going. There’s just no point. Some people want to be right more than they want to be happy and you have better things to do than to provide fodder for the right-fighters.
They’ll be there in a crisis but they’ll never ever share your joy.
They’ll find reasons your good news isn’t great news. The classics: About a promotion – ‘The money isn’t that great for the amount of work you’ll be doing.’ About a holiday at the beach – ‘Well it’s going to be very hot. Are you sure you want to go?’ About being made Queen of the Universe – ‘Well the Universe isn’t that big you know and I’m pretty sure you won’t get tea breaks.’ Get the idea? Don’t let them dampen you or shrink you down to their size. You don’t need their approval anyway – or anyone else’s for that matter.
They’ll leave a conversation unfinished – and then they’ll go offline.
They won’t pick up their phone. They won’t answer texts or emails. And in between rounds of their voicemail message, you might find yourself playing the conversation or argument over and over in your head, guessing about the status of the relationship, wondering what you’ve done to upset them, or whether they’re dead, alive or just ignoring you – which can sometimes all feel the same. People who care about you won’t let you go on feeling rubbish without attempting to sort it out. That doesn’t mean you’ll sort it out of course, but at least they’ll try. Take it as a sign of their investment in the relationship if they leave you ‘out there’ for lengthy sessions.
They’ll use non-toxic words with a toxic tone.
The message might be innocent enough but the tone conveys so much more. Something like, ‘What did you do today?’ can mean different things depending on the way it’s said. It could mean anything from ‘So I bet you did nothing – as usual,’ to ‘I’m sure your day was better than mine. Mine was awful. Just awful. And you didn’t even notice enough to ask.’ When you question the tone, they’ll come back with, ‘All I said was what did you do today,’ which is true, kind of, not really.
They’ll bring irrelevant detail into a conversation.
When you’re trying to resolve something important to you, toxic people will bring in irrelevant detail from five arguments ago. The problem with this is that before you know it, you’re arguing about something you did six months ago, still defending yourself, rather than dealing with the issue at hand. Somehow, it just always seems to end up about what you’ve done to them.
They’ll make it about the way you’re talking, rather than what you’re talking about.
You might be trying to resolve an issue or get clarification and before you know it, the conversation/ argument has moved away from the issue that was important to you and on to the manner in which you talked about it – whether there is any issue with your manner or not. You’ll find yourself defending your tone, your gestures, your choice of words or the way your belly moves when you breathe – it doesn’t even need to make sense. Meanwhile, your initial need is well gone on the pile of unfinished conversations that seems to grow bigger by the day.
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‘You always …’ ‘You never …’ It’s hard to defend yourself against this form of manipulation. Toxic people have a way of drawing on the one time you didn’t or the one time you did as evidence of your shortcomings. Don’t buy into the argument. You won’t win. And you don’t need to.
They are judgemental.
We all get it wrong sometimes but toxic people will make sure you know it. They’ll judge you and take a swipe at your self-esteem suggesting that you’re less than because you made a mistake. We’re all allowed to get it wrong now and then, but unless we’ve done something that affects them nobody has the right to stand in judgement.
Knowing the favourite go-to’s for toxic people will sharpen your radar, making the manipulations easier to spot and easier to name. More importantly, if you know the characteristic signs of a toxic person, you’ll have a better chance of catching yourself before you tie yourself in double knots trying to please them.
Some people can’t be pleased and some people won’t be good for you – and many times that will have nothing to do with you. You can always say no to unnecessary crazy. Be confident and own your own faults, your quirks and the things that make you shine. You don’t need anyone’s approval but remember if someone is working hard to manipulate, it’s probably because they need yours. You don’t always have to give it but if you do, don’t let the cost be too high.
15 Signs of a Toxic Relationship
by Karen Young
Toxic relationships will cause monumental breakage to people, families and workplaces, but they aren’t necessarily the territory of the weak, downtrodden or insecure. Strong, healthy, independent people can find themselves in the white-knuckled grip of a toxic relationship. Similarly, relationships that seem to begin strong because ‘omg we’re soooo in love you guys,’ can dissolve into nothing but ash and legal fees that could have bought a castle on the river Seine, if they weren’t being used to divide half your assets more ‘half-ly’.
Relationships evolve. They change and they grow. Sometimes they crash and they burn. We never know how things will look when each other’s less adorable, kind of awful habits start to show themselves publicly, or under the influence of alcohol or in-laws.
Some relationships are all shades of wrong from the outset (‘Darlin’ you’re so pretty. You’re the image of my ex. See? Here’s her photo. You can keep that one. I have plenty – in my wallet, as my screen saver, on my bedside table, at my mum’s house, on my desk, on my fridge and yeah, all over the place. Sometimes I just, like, hold it in front of me and run backwards and pretend like she’s chasing me. Wanna get some tequila baby?’) Some start off with promise and with all the right ingredients, but somewhere along the way, the right ingredients get replaced with resentment, jealousy, history and hurt.
We love love. Of course we do. Love sends us to joyous, lofty heights that we never want to come down from, but the same heart that can send us into a loved-up euphoria can trip us up and have us falling into something more toxic. The hot pursuit of love can be blinding. Even worse, sometimes it’s not until you’re two kids and a mortgage into the relationship, that you realise something has been missing for a while, and that something is you.
What is a toxic relationship?
A toxic relationship contaminates your self-esteem, your happiness and the way you see yourself and the world. A toxic person will float through life with a trail of broken hearts, broken relationships and broken people behind them, but toxic relationships don’t necessarily end up that way because the person you fell for turned out to be a toxic one. Relationships can start healthy, but bad feelings, bad history, or long-term unmet needs can fester, polluting the relationship and changing the people in it. It can happen easily and quickly, and it can happen to the strongest people.
Can I fix it?
All relationships are worth the fight, until they’re not. In a toxic relationship there will always be fallout:
- moodiness, anger, unhappiness become the norm;
- you avoid each other more and more;
- work and relationships outside the toxic relationship start to suffer.
If the relationship is toxic, it is highly likely that all the fight in the world won’t change anything because one or both people have emotionally moved on. Perhaps they were never really there in the first place, or not in the way you needed them to be anyway. Even worse, if your relationship is toxic, you will be more and more damaged by staying in it.
Fighting to hold on to something that is not fighting to hold on to you will ruin you. Sometimes the only thing left to do is to let go with grace and love and move on.
What are the signs that I’m in a toxic relationship?
Being aware that the relationship is toxic is vital in protecting yourself from breakage. To stay in a toxic relationship is to keep your hand hovering over the self-destruct button. Not all toxic relationships are easy to leave, but being aware of the signs will make it easier to claim back your power and draw a bold heavy line around what’s allowed into your life and what gets closed out.
Toxic behaviour exists on a spectrum. All people and all relationships do some of these things some of the time – but that doesn’t make them toxic. A toxic relationship is defined by the consistency, the intensity and the damage. Here are some of the signs.
It feels bad. All the time.
You fall asleep hollow and you wake up just as bad. You look at other couples doing their happy couple thing and you feel the sting. Why couldn’t that sort of love happen for you? It can, but first you have to clear the path for it to find you. Leaving a relationship is never easy, but staying for too long in a toxic relationship will make sure any strength, courage and confidence in you are eroded down to nothing. Once that happens, you’re stuck.
You’re constantly braced for the ‘gotcha’.
Sometimes you can see it coming. Sometimes you wouldn’t see it if it was lit with stadium floodlights. Questions become traps. (‘Well would you rather go out with your friends or stay home with me?’) Statements become traps. (‘You seemed to enjoy talking to your boss tonight.’) The relationship is a jungle and somewhere along the way you’ve turned into a hunted thing in a skin suit. When the ‘gotcha’ comes, there’s no forgiveness, just the glory of catching you out. It’s impossible to move forward from this. Everyone makes mistakes, but yours are used as proof that you’re too uninvested, too wrong, too stupid, too something. The only thing you really are is too good to be treated like this.
You avoid saying what you need because there’s just no point.
We all have important needs in relationships. Some of the big ones are connection, validation, appreciation, love, sex, affection. When those needs are mocked or ignored, the emptiness of that unmet need will clamour like an old church bell. If your attempts to talk about what you need end in a fight, a(nother) empty promise, accusations of neediness, insecurity, jealousy or madness you’ll either bury the need or resent that it keeps being overlooked. Either way, it’s toxic.
There’s no effort.
Standing on a dance floor doesn’t make you a dancer, and being physically present in a relationship doesn’t mean there is an investment being made in that relationship. Doing things separately sometimes is healthy, but as with all healthy things, too much is too much. When there is no effort to love you, spend time with you, share the things that are important to you, the relationship stops giving and starts taking too much. There comes a point that the only way to respond to ‘Well I’m here, aren’t I?’ is, ‘Yeah. But maybe better if you weren’t.’
All the work, love, compromise comes from you.
Nobody can hold a relationship together when they are the only one doing the work. It’s lonely and it’s exhausting. If you’re not able to leave the relationship, give what you need to give but don’t give any more than that. Let go of the fantasy that you can make things better if you try hard enough, work hard enough, say enough, do enough. Stop. Just stop. You’re enough. You always have been.
When ‘no’ is a dirty word.
‘No’ is an important word in any relationship. Don’t strike it from your vocabulary, even in the name of love – especially not in the name of love. Healthy relationships need compromise but they also respect the needs and wants of both people. Communicating what you want is as important for you and the relationship as communicating what you don’t want. Find your ‘no’, give it a polish, and know where the release button is. A loving partner will respect that you’re not going to agree with everything they say or do. If you’re only accepted when you’re saying ‘yes’, it’s probably time to say ‘no’ to the relationship. And if you’re worried about the gap you’re leaving, buy your soon-to-be ex some putty. Problem solved.
The score card. Let me show you how wrong you are.
One of the glorious things about being human is that making mistakes is all part of what we do. It’s how we learn, how we grow, and how we find out the people who don’t deserve us. Even the most loving, committed partners will do hurtful, stupid things sometimes. When those things are brought up over and over, it will slowly kill even the healthiest relationship and keep the ‘guilty’ person small. At some point, there has to be a decision to move on or move out. Having shots continually fired at you based on history is a way to control, shame and manipulate. Healthy relationships nurture your strengths. Toxic ones focus on your weaknesses.
There’s a battle – and you’re on your own. Again.
You and your partner are a team. You need to know that whatever happens, you have each other’s backs, at least publicly. In healthy relationships, when the world starts throwing stones, the couple comes together and fortifies the wall around each other. Toxic relationships often see one person going it alone when it comes to public put-downs. Similarly, when attempts are made from outside the relationship to divide and conquer, the couple is divided and conquered as easily as if they were never together in the first place.
Physical or verbal abuse. Or both.
These are deal-breakers. You know they are.
Too much passive-aggressive.
Passive-aggressive behaviour is an indirect attack and a cowardly move for control. The toxicity lies in stealing your capacity to respond and for issues to be dealt with directly. The attack is subtle and often disguised as something else, such as anger disguised as indifference ‘whatever’ or ‘I’m fine’; manipulation disguised as permission ‘I’ll just stay at home by myself while you go out and have fun,’ and the worst – a villain disguised as a hero, ‘You seem really tired baby. We don’t have to go out tonight. You just stay in and cook yourself some dinner and I’ll have a few drinks with Svetlana by myself hey? She’s been a mess since the cruise was postponed.’ You know the action or the behaviour was designed to manipulate you or hurt you, because you can feel the scrape, but it’s not obvious enough to respond to the real issue. If it’s worth getting upset about, it’s worth talking about, but passive-aggressive behaviour shuts down any possibility of this.
Nothing gets resolved.
Every relationship will have its issues. In a toxic relationship, nothing gets worked through because any conflict ends in an argument. There is no trust that the other person will have the capacity to deal with the issue in a way that is safe and preserves the connection. When this happens, needs get buried, and in a relationship, unmet needs will always feed resentment.
Whatever you’re going through, I’m going through worse.
In a healthy relationship, both people need their turn at being the supported and the supporter. In a toxic relationship, even if you’re the one in need of support, the focus will always be on the other person. ‘Babe like I know you’re really sick and can’t get out of bed but it’s soooo stressful for me because now I have to go to the party by myself. Next Saturday I get to choose what we do. K? [sad emoji, balloon emoji, heart emoji, another heart emoji, lips emoji].’
Privacy? What privacy?
Unless you’ve done something to your partner that you shouldn’t have, like, you know, forgot you had one on ‘Singles Saturday’, then you deserve to be trusted. Everybody deserves some level of privacy and healthy relationships can trust that this won’t be misused. If your partner constantly goes through your receipts, phone bills, text messages this shows a toxic level of control. It’s demeaning. You’re an adult and don’t need constant supervision.
The lies. Oh the lies!
Lying and cheating will dissolve trust as if it was never there to begin with. Once trust is so far gone, it’s hard to get it back. It might come back in moments or days, but it’s likely that it will always feel fragile – just waiting for the wrong move. A relationship without trust can turn strong, healthy people into something they aren’t naturally – insecure, jealous and suspicious. The toxicity of this lies in the slow erosion of confidence. Sometimes all the fight in the world can’t repair trust when it’s badly broken. Know when enough is enough. It’s not your fault that the trust was broken, but it’s up to you to make sure that you’re not broken next.
Big decisions are for important people. And clearly, you’re not one of them.
If you’re sharing your life with someone, it’s critical that you have a say in the decisions that will affect you. Your partner’s opinions and feelings will always be important, and so are yours. Your voice is an important one. A loving partner in the context of a healthy relationship will value your thoughts and opinions, not pretend that they don’t exist or assume theirs are more important.
I think I might be in a toxic relationship. What now?
If it’s toxic, it’s changing you and it’s time to leave or put up a very big wall. (See here for how.) Be clear about where the relationship starts and where you begin. Keep your distance emotionally and think of it as something to be managed, rather than something to be beaten or understood. Look for the patterns and look for the triggers. Then, be mindful about what is okay and what isn’t. Above all else, know that you are strong, complete and vital. Don’t buy into any tiny-hearted, close-minded push that would have you believe otherwise. You’re amazing.
And finally …
There are plenty of reasons you might end up in a toxic relationship, none of which have nothing to do with strength of character or courage.
Sometimes the toxicity grows and blindsides you and by the time you realise, it’s too late – the cost of leaving might feel too high or there may be limited options.
Toxicity in any relationship doesn’t make sense. In an attempt to make it make sense, you might blame history, circumstance or your own behaviour. The truth is that none of this matters. It doesn’t matter where the toxicity comes from or the reason for it being there.
Love and happiness don’t always go together. The world would run so much smoother if they did, but it just doesn’t happen like that. Love can be a dirty little liar sometimes. So can commitment. Staying in a relationship should never have losing yourself as one of the conditions. You’re far too important for that.
It’s important to make sacrifices in relationships but your happiness, self-esteem and self-respect should always be on the list – always. If a relationship is built on love, it nurtures, restores, replenishes and revives. It doesn’t diminish. It isn’t cruel and it doesn’t ever violate a warm, open heart. Everything you need to be happy is in you. When you are with someone who suffocates those precious parts of you, be alive to the damage they are doing. You owe them nothing, you owe yourself everything. You deserve to thrive and to feel safe, and you deserve to be happy.
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Eight signs of a "toxic" person | Executive.ru
Have you met people who express their opinion without asking if you need it or not? And imagine the situation: you are nicely communicating with colleagues, and then They appear, and the conversation somehow doesn’t stick further and you want to disperse? In this case, they are “toxic” people (this is how I identify them for myself), when they appear, you feel internal tension and you just want to run away.
While working in the offices of various companies, I learned to quickly recognize such people and avoid contact with them. Do you want me to teach you too? So that with their appearance you do not have to waste your energy and nerves in vain.
1. Toxic lovers to embellish and exaggerate
Such a technique, called hyperbole, will suit writers - books will be more interesting to read. It is used to enhance expressiveness and emphasize the thought said. But in life, a person who embellishes his own merits and at the same time turns the merits of other people into dust, at least, causes bewilderment. And can such people be trusted? More often they turn out to be liars, the truth is revealed, and they are blacklisted. After all, no one likes to be told a lie.
2. They should work in the yellow press!
They say you can build a career on gossip. I even saw such instances. I confess that in my youth I sometimes gossiped with colleagues and friends (well, who among us is not a sinner?), And then I received such a “rollback” from life that I swore not to do it. Gossip takes both strength and energy. I did not like the emotional devastation that followed the conversations. It fettered my arms and legs, did not allow me to develop my imagination, I simply could not work.
3. Judge not, lest you be judged
"Toxic" people are big judgers. It doesn’t matter who and for what, the process is important. But in most cases they do it unfounded, just for the sake of the conversation itself. And I do not advise you to enter into an argument with a phrase like "but you have no evidence." Otherwise, you yourself will become a new victim of gossip and judgments. After all, such people do not care about whom to gossip about.
By the way, condemnation is considered a kind of pride and is regarded as one of the gravest sins.
4. Solid negativity
In a metropolis one can feel especially sharply how negativity accumulates in the air like black clouds. Perhaps in other countries this is not so, but in Russia I often hear statements even from unfamiliar people in displeased intonation.
Negative statements flow from such people in a stream, as if they have a special ability to find the bad in the good.
– What a nice day today, the sun is shining!
– Yes, but it will rain in the evening and it will last almost the whole week!
Or from personal experience:
– It's all the Americans' fault, they have a device that changes the weather as they want.
Seriously, I've heard that too.
5. “Don't cry, they tell you”
I can't stand people who whine. I just don't understand these people. I want to hit such a person on the head and say: “Go get down to business.” Of course, I understand that in the life of any person, periods of “whining” are needed. So he whined, seemed to come to his senses, dusted himself off and went on. I know such people, I myself am such. I allow myself to take a break from time to time. But the key word here is short!
“Here, for example, I see: a butterfly is flying, its head is tiny, brainless, with its wings byak-byak-byak, byak-byak-byak ... well, stupid fool! Sparrows are no better either. Dumb birch, donkey oak, idiot river, idiot clouds. Traitor horses” (feature film “An Ordinary Miracle”).
That's how "toxic" people are unhappy with everything. Politics, the Russian football team, the fact that a piece of cake in honor of a colleague’s birthday is slightly dried up on one side - “he left me this one on purpose, because I didn’t help him with the report!”. But such behavior is destructive, it kills everything positive around. And communication with such people imperceptibly affects you, infecting you with the whining virus.
6. The verdict cannot be justified!
Ooh! It is "my favorite sin" ("Devil's Advocate").
You must have heard at work more than once: "I didn't do it because I wasn't given all the information." We've all found excuses at some point. Everyone is to blame, but not me. Our heroes just live it - do not want to be responsible for their actions. When someone else is to blame, somehow life is easier right away, isn't it? Not true!
For me, by the way, it's the other way around - I always blame myself for everything, even if it's not true. And it's also wrong, but I'm working on myself.
7. I will accept someone else's opinion as my own!
The heroes of my article are "toxic" people, but practical - if you don't have your own, take someone else's and say what's yours. It’s convenient: you take someone else’s opinion, pass it off as your own and don’t forget to say that everything is one way and nothing else. Well, isn't it annoying? Especially if you know for sure that the information is incorrect. But should anyone care?
8. "Toxic" hedgehogs
I came across such people with whom it is absolutely impossible to talk. No matter what you say, the "toxic" person tries to prick you in response. An amazing fact: often such people themselves do not notice such a property in themselves. Those. like they don’t want to offend on purpose, but in the end it turns out that way. They probably shouldn't be allowed to work with clients.
I had such a friend, during a conversation with whom I periodically winced from the number of hairpins addressed to me. At one time I endured, then began to reduce our communication to a minimum, and soon completely stopped. Do not communicate with those who, due to the humiliation of you, praise themselves!
Unfortunate if you have such a person under your command - I faced just such a situation. A colleague had an amazing ability to build sentences in such a way that I had to periodically “exhale” and “close my eyes”, passing by my ears the intonation with which she spoke. You can, of course, dismiss such a person if the authority allows, but here it is important not to forget about professional qualities. In any case, after talking with this person, there was an unpleasant aftertaste in my mouth, as if I was chewing something disgusting.
What to do?
When communicating with such people, one really wants to fight back and defend one's point of view or point out mistakes in their behavior. But in doing so, we are swallowing the bait, because their goal is self-affirmation through argument or conflict, and not the search for truth. To protect yourself, it is important to recognize their true intentions in time and move away from the conversation.
The pretext can be any, it would be possible to bow politely. In fact, it is not very important how you "get off", the main thing is that it sounds convincing.
If you cannot get away from the conversation, it is important not to get personal, because this is a direct manifestation of impotence. Speak only about the facts and operate with them. Don't be like your opponent.
But I wish you not to meet "toxic" people!
Who are toxic people? How to limit yourself from toxic people? What to do if there is no way to end a relationship with a toxic person?
Who are toxic people? How to recognize toxic people? What to do if there is no way to end a relationship with a toxic person? Psychologist Anna Kushneruk explains.
We feel guilty all the time around toxic people for no real reason. We are always uncomfortable for ourselves, we kind of let these people down. They act like victims around us, but in reality they are always passive aggressors. Psychologist explains:
No one will directly harm you, they will just talk to you in such a way that you will have to continue listening to the person and not be able to say “no”.
SEE ALSO: “Friendship is blind” on “1 + 1”: project psychologist Irina Kirichenko told how to deal with manipulation in relationships
Signs of a toxic person:
- Everything is seen in black and white: a person is either very good or very bad
- Steal energy
- Everything is in control
- Speak loudly or softly
- In large companies talk about intimate topics and gossip
- Negative stories are a priority
- Calling at inappropriate times
- Incorrect and tactless phrases are spoken.
Why do people become toxic?
A person who becomes toxic feels and sympathizes worse. For him, your emotions can be like going to the zoo. Anna Kushneruk says:
We are all from the environment that educates us. Everything goes without parents. But! It's definitely a character flaw. A person who grows up where he is not brought up to be human becomes toxic. He takes pleasure in parasitizing other people's emotions. However, normal parents can have toxic children if they do not make contact with him. Toxic children show emotions quickly. For example, if they are annoyed, they throw a cup. If parents, instead of offering to discuss the problem, say “What are you doing?” or vice versa “My sun is irritated, everything will be fine”, “Cry, don’t give a damn about anyone”, the child grows up emotionally unintelligent.
READ ALSO: Why the divorce rate has increased and how to find a compromise in a relationship? Psychologist Irina Kirichenko told
What to do if the wife or husband is a toxic person?
It should be remembered that there are not only negative situations in marriage. Psychologist remarks:
We all have our psycho-emotional shortcomings. But if you don’t get any positive emotions from this marriage, then perhaps you should leave. But if you are simply annoyed by some of the manifestations of your spouse, you need to use a paraphrase - using words to convey to the person what is happening now. Functional couples are those who feel that something is not right, but they are able to correct the situation through conversation.
How can I tell if I am a toxic person?
It should be recognized that each of us is a carrier of toxic symptoms. It is the toxic person who always has low emotional intelligence, it is difficult for him to understand whether he is happy or not. Anna Kushniruk explains:
You just need to analyze: “Am I being invited to communicate?”, “Is someone calling me?”, “Am I being invited somewhere where they can be close to me?”. If you get the answer that you are being shunned, then this should be a reason for you to wonder if you are a toxic person.