The peter pan syndrome men who have never grown up

The Peter Pan Syndrome: Men Who Have Never Grown Up by Dan Kiley

Dan Kiley

Rate this book

A serious social-psychological phenomenon is besetting American males: hundreds of thousands of boys are refusing to become men. Though they have reached adult age, the are unable to face adult feelings and responsibilities.

298 pages, Mass Market Paperback

First published June 1, 1983

About the author

What do you think?

Rate this book

Search review text

Displaying 1 - 29 of 29 reviews

Lori

19 reviews1 follower

December 24, 2008

good to read if you have an idiot male in your life

Kevin

Author 3 books122 followers

It is true that the threshold for being considered an adult is lower than ever, and that the world is being inherited by a generation of childish twits who evade responsibility and act like teenagers well into their 40s. While the author was the first to call attention to an important sociological phenomenon, this book is mostly unscientific pop-psychology garbage. Every page drips with the author's narcissistic douchebaggery. I think Kiley wrote this book in his groovy jumpsuit while listening to an 8-track of Marvin Gaye and trying to seduce the wives of his peter-panny patients, because the subtext behind everything he says is, "If these peter pans were REAL MEN, like ME..."

Read

Wasn't it beautiful when you believed in everything ? When the whole world was yours ?
Unfortunately, there comes a time in life when man loses all its charm. The moment can be defined as maturation. Narrow minds do not distinguish the difference between a forever young and a disabled person.

Read

Its amazing, it's true, and it's about my ex (well all my exes really). Next up I have to read "Wendy's Club" and figure out how to break this cycle of dating man-children. ..

I read this when I was about 13. I found it in our basement/garage right next to The Cinderella Complex. Apparently my mother did some "light reading" following my parent's divorce. It gives some real insight into why men are just large little boys. Did you ever wonder why grown men still need to have video games, cars, boats, gadgets, and lack responsiblity in relationships...claiming "nobody ever taught me how!" if ever asked to be responsible for anything? Well, this is the book for you!
I learned a great deal about my dad from reading it. He fit the discription of the "Peter Pan" they discribe. They call some of these people now delusional narcissists. (Please see DSM 4 for details on this personality disorder).

psychology

Kate

83 reviews4 followers

I finally found the book that described my ex-husband perfectly and also what I needed to NOT do to make sure that my son wouldn't grow up as an overgrown, immature, selfish child like so many men in our culture seem to do because so many women - mothers and wives are so willing to pitch in and help.

psych-other

Phillip

1,066 reviews48 followers

This is a fine example of pop psychology providing one explanation for a common cultural phenomenon of late capitalism. Others, like Oliver James, label similar symptoms as affluenza. But they key elements of Kiley's theory are that a generation of comfortably affluent men have become susceptible to social maladjustment centering on their inability to take responsibility for themselves. They are deeply disturbed, feeling lost and yet unable to confront that lostness because of the guilt built up by blaming themselves and simultaneously suppressing the knowledge of that guilt. Much of this is rooted in the changing gender roles developed during after the 1970s, which created 1) a dissonance between how the boy's parents interacted and how he was taught to behave in a new world, and 2) opened increasing spaces for women to be dominant and assertive without socially legitimizing boys being submissive and emotionally sensitive. The confusion created by these difficulties, along with tacit messaging at home that create a longing for dad's approval/affection, and a guilt/resentment spiral related to mom, creates a boy and then man who is anxious, lonely, narcissistic, chauvinistic, and has trouble establishing healthy interpersonal relationships (especially romantic/sexual relationships).

theory-philosophy-and-non-fiction

In 1984, Dan Kiley collected his experiences as a counselor and formulated a theory that to this day is still valid and renown all over the world.
"The Peter Pan Syndrome" explains step by step how young boys can get lost in the process of growing up and how certain family dynamics facilitate the choice of flying to Neverland and never grow up.
Dr Kiley uncovers the loneliness and psychological pain stagnating underneath the denial of PPS victims and offers practical advice to lovers, relatives and friends of PPS victims who want to get their loved one back from the Lost Boys legion.
There is a sequel to "The Peter Pan Syndrome" called "The Wendy Dilemma", again by Dr Kiley, dealing with women who tend to find themselves involved in relationship with PPS victims.
Since 1984 some socio-environmental dynamics have changed and it is my understanding that there are girls who suffer from PPS too. I am collecting evidence of the topic hoping to publish the results in 2015. If you have any insight or comment on PPS in women please contact me:
lisafobia(at)gmail(dot)com

Well, I personally (more on that below) and professionally little know about these matters, but I've found this book and the "lectures" very interesting, sound and substantiated. Even though this is an old book (I think it is my wife's book; more on that also below).
This author really seems to know about what he is writing and I hope I'm right, because I'm sure that I'm no Peter Pan (at least in full), according to the book. My wife may desagree a bit (😀), as I love so much riding all my bycicles and run freely through mountains and forests. ..

I used to think the book very accurate for me.

But now I think we should read other kinds of books to transfer our mind.

This book is OK for us to find a problem. But the book can never change anything.

Excellent book. Easy read. Lots of good book recommendations at the end of the book.

Point still very valid, but overall execution has not aged well.

We always want to keep the child with us and not kill the child inside of us. For this purpose, we develop human relationships, and when we are alone, we start to reveal it. Because in the first interpretation, this situation looks quite innocent and is easily accepted because it is not bad. However, a man experiences this innocent desire so dominant that he does not realize that it undermines both his own maturation process (facing his responsibilities and life) and his social relationships, he cannot.

For this type of man(they constitute a very wide segment of society), we can introduce a definition as follows; an inflated egoistic man of the patriarchal system. This ataerkillesme, starting in childhood from infancy increasingly, everything she wanted done, and the boss at the end of the community is flourishing in boys than girls boy who became recognized high tolerance of this personality disorder and normal socialization worse environment* to ensure that they are accepted as is.

Children who experience Peter Pan Syndrome postpone graduation from school because they are too used to readiness, avoid other responsibilities such as military service, work when they graduate, and if they are going to start a job, it should definitely be at a high level. Because he is the most valuable person in the department he graduated from and his job should be high in this respect. Although he has not yet faced the realities of life, the relationship situation of this type of man, who has become an adult in age, is also in a grave situation. At this point, the PPS case is looking for someone to take care of her like her mother instead of her lover. According to another interpretation, the slave... loses her value in the eyes of the PPS case every time the person opposite her does not fit this form and is labeled as a prostitute in her mind. The opposite is also an example. Like a man who does whatever his girlfriend or wife wants…
The situations I have described are the products of a completely unconscious process. Because, unconsciously, a man serves his mother, not his lover, and applies his mother as the basic criterion.
Peter Pan Syndrome also occurs at these two basic points and provides continuity. From the parents who take on the responsibilities of their son, from the ideal partner who accepts the maternal model and causes the PPS case to be confirmed*…

Dan Kiley has explained these points in all their clarity and detail. It has made today's adults open their eyes. this syndrome, which was discovered in the 190s, has perhaps the most illuminating content at the point of the self-problem of today's man. Kiley also told us this in a tremendous way. I wish urgent readings for interested, but more patriarchal men.

psychology

Although this book was written in the 80's the information provided is still applicable to modern times. It is an unfortunate truth how men, often times successful, come from lost upbringings hence the location Never Never Land throughout the book. As a female in my early twenties, this personality diagnosis genuinely helped me navigate the patterns in my personal life in attracting childlike men and how I can prevent myself from being a so-called "Wendy". Even though this book completely warped my childhood memory about the story and character of Peter Pan, the advice is simple and well written, offering many perspectives to find relatable. Huge takeaways if you are willing to be honest with yourself. Thank you Dr. Dan Kiley for offering straight forward advice for women, families, and friends, and most importantly for helping me understand my father.

I had not heard of the term "Peter Pan Syndrome" before actress Kate Michuchi mentioned it on a podcast. I immediately looked it up and found this book. I was convinced something was very wrong with me, my not wanting to and seemingly not able to grow up and this book helped me put my problems into words and now I am trying to put those words into actions. This book is nearly 40 years old so I can not give it more stars due to it being fairly outdated for our modern on-line world but I would relish an updated version of this book for those who have failed to launch in our online world of the 2st century. I recommend this book as a place to start, but it does not hold all the answers. It mostly gives you a place for your, your loved ones, and hopefully your therapist to start.

self-improvement

um. the sexism in this book is APPALLING. For example, one of the patients describes raping his wife, and the author responds by telling him that though he raped her, he should not try to talk to her about this "one inconsiderate act", that she would most likely want to forget it. At another point, the author describes an eleven year old child as having "evil" eyes. Furthermore, women are consistently encouraged to look the other way if their man is cheating. It's a dumpster fire whose valid points about narcissim are smothered in the author's creepiness.

Everyone young adults both gender male and female should read this book. It will save years of heartaches, TIME with the wrong person and Peter Pans looking for mothers not mate's. Mothers to clean up after them, do the laundry, take care of the children, house work, cook and do the dishes. Leaving to disappointment and divorce later. "I wanted to have children not be in a relationship with a child ."

This is the best book I have read this year, and it is also the book that helped me the most. It can be said that this book will change my life. I myself have mild Peter Pan syndrome. After reading this book and looking back on my life, I have been pretending, deceiving myself, and not being responsible for myself. It can be said that each of us has this symptom more or less, and we need to face it squarely instead of avoiding it. Authenticity makes us stronger.
2022.11.24 Chinese 10h

An interesting, first of its kind look into a disorder that has become exponentially more prevalent since the original writing.
While "Peter" clearly has psychological, narcissistic concerns, the emotional hostages that these people take are often damaged far beyond just being annoyed.

A must read for mothers and wives that feel they are trapped on Neverland.

Interesting 1980's psychology with some pertinent ideas for today

An oldie but a goodie. Deep dive into adult men who still act like boys, how they got that way and how to break the habit.

"Don't you think it's sometimes wise not to grow up?" Mick Jagger/Keith Richards. I once received this book, in Portuguese translation, from a girl friend in Brazil. I think she was trying to tell me something. But, if being a boy in a man's body is a great sin, per Dan Kiley, then I say sign me up for more. When we stop dreaming and playing we shall lose our masculine minds. Or, to quote David Lee Roth: "I don't have to be a responsible human being." Psychobabble like this probably plays better with wives and mothers than it does with sons and lovers.

Kari

15 reviews1 follower

Some men who are afraid of emotional intimacy will actually run away from and reject a relationship that causes them to feel strong emotion. I guess it was high time I learned that such men existed, although I wish this book had been my introduction to the concept.

psychology relationships

It's semi-likely that this is the book I'm referring to in the adjacent review: "Hound Dog Blues"

read in college for my Pyschology class - very interesting!

Melanie

768 reviews34 followers

Shelved as 'did-not-finish'

Ok, I read the first few chapters of this. It was fairly psychoanalytical and has not aged well. There's definitely such a thing as a Boy Who Won't Grow Up but this book's description and portrayal are so blah. I don't care about his "sex-role confusion" and "father figure issues," just tell me if this is a person that can be remediated or otherwise dealt with, or if I have to work around them.

non-fiction psychology skipped-parts-of-this-book

Displaying 1 - 29 of 29 reviews

Signs, Causes, and Dealing with It

“All children, except one, grow up,” J. M. Barrie wrote in his 1911 novel “Peter and Wendy.” He was speaking of Peter Pan, the original boy who wouldn’t grow up.

While there’s no actual magic preventing children from physically growing up, some adults continue to cling to the carefree days of youth and find emotional and financial responsibilities challenging well into adulthood.

“Peter Pan syndrome,” the current name for this pattern of behavior, first appears in Dr. Dan Kiley’s 1983 book, “Peter Pan Syndrome: Men Who Have Never Grown Up.”

While Kiley focused on this behavior in men, Peter Pan syndrome can affect people of any gender or culture.

Keep in mind this isn’t a recognized mental health condition. Still, many experts agree this pattern of behavior can have an impact on someone’s relationships and quality of life.

Ever said, “I can’t adult today”? People with Peter Pan syndrome tend to live by this philosophy every day.

Since Peter Pan syndrome isn’t a clinical diagnosis, experts haven’t determined any official symptoms. Here’s some consensus on how it often plays out in relationships, at work, and in personal attitudes toward responsibility and accountability.

Relationship signs

“In relationships, I think this shows up most clearly in divergent levels of ambition, expectations, life goals, and ability to make commitments,” explains Patrick Cheatham, a psychologist in Portland, Oregon.

If your partner has Peter Pan syndrome, you might get the impression they’d have a hard time making it in the world alone.

Their dishes might pile up in the sink. They might avoid doing laundry until they have nothing clean to wear. You might find yourself regularly helping out with chores just to get their home a little more habitable.

They may:

let you plan activities and make big decisions
neglect household chores and child care responsibilities
prefer to “live for today” and show little interest in making long-term plans
show signs of emotional unavailability, such as not wanting to label or define relationships
spend money unwisely and have other trouble with personal finances
consistently avoid addressing relationship issues in productive ways

Work-related signs

People with Peter Pan syndrome also tend to struggle with job and career goals, according to Cheatham.

They may:

have a pattern of job loss due to lack of effort, tardiness, or skipping work
make little real effort to find a job
leave jobs frequently when they feel bored, challenged, or stressed
only take part-time work and have no interest in pursuing promotion opportunities
move from field to field without spending time developing skills in any particular area

In some cases, this issue can also show up in the form of unrealistic goals, such as dreams of becoming a pro athlete or landing a record deal.

These are certainly possibilities for some people, and there’s nothing wrong with pursuing them in healthy ways. But if these ambitions prevent success in other areas of life, it may be time to consider more realistic career options.

Spinning these dreams as reality without making any real effort to achieve them can also suggest Peter Pan syndrome.

Attitude, mood, and behavioral signs

People with Peter Pan syndrome may seem a little helpless. You might have a general impression they can’t “get it together” and notice things like:

a pattern of unreliability and flaking out
emotional outbursts when facing stressful situations
a tendency to make excuses and blame others when things go wrong
little or no interest in personal growth
expectations of being taken care of
fear of negative evaluation
a pattern of substance use, often with a goal of escaping difficult feelings or responsibilities
a desire to keep their options open instead of making concrete plans

These signs can also relate to other issues, but someone who shows several of the above signs and symptoms may have Peter Pan syndrome.

Narcissism comes up a lot in discussions about Peter Pan syndrome, but they’re different concepts.

It’s true that some people living with this syndrome also show some narcissistic tendencies. But many people have some narcissistic traits without meeting full criteria for narcissistic personality disorder.

What’s more, not everyone with traits of Peter Pan syndrome also has traits of narcissism.

That said, the two issues do share some similarities.

People with narcissism may also:

fail to accept accountability
blame others for failures
prioritize personal desires over others’ needs
fear criticism or conflict

With narcissism, however, devaluation of others and a lack of empathy tend to accompany these behaviors.

Many experts consider narcissistic defenses an extreme method of compensating for low self-esteem and self-worth. People who make an effort to explore narcissistic traits in therapy may discover feelings of inadequacy and emptiness.

People with Peter Pan syndrome may arrive at those same feelings through a different route, according to Cheatham. He goes on to explain that, with few personal accomplishments to show others, they may face disrespect and dismissal.

Eventually, these experiences can play into feelings of low self-worth and failure, which some people may try to manage by “doubling down” on things like sensation-seeking and avoiding challenges.

“While the narcissistic dilemma reflects some of the downsides of Peter Pan syndrome,” Cheatham says, “I hesitate to say they’re directly related.”

Peter Pan syndrome is largely associated with males (and has been from the start). It’s worth noting, however, that most of Kiley’s research was done in the 1970s and ’80s, when gender roles were a bit more fixed than they are today.

Still, information from the University of Granada and a 2010 study looking at 29 young Navajo women both suggest it’s mostly — but not always — males who experience Peter Pan syndrome.

To date, there’s a lack of research examining how these behaviors show up across gender. The studies that do exist are pretty small.

While Kiley focused his research on males, he did identify a counterpart in females known as Wendy syndrome, in reference to Peter Pan’s female companion.

Much like in the story, females in this role often enable the Peter Pan in their lives, often without realizing it. They might do this by making decisions for them, tidying up their messes, and offering one-sided emotional support.

There’s no single cause for the behaviors associated with Peter Pan syndrome. It’s likely the result of the following complex factors.

Childhood experiences

“Certain parenting styles can result in people who didn’t learn adult-level life skills, are canny at avoiding responsibilities and commitments, overly focus on sensation-seeking and hedonism, and romanticize freedom and escapism,” Cheatham says.

Those with Peter Pan syndrome often have overly protective or very permissive parents. Those are two pretty different parenting styles, but here’s the breakdown:

Permissive parenting

Overly permissive parents often don’t set many (or any) boundaries on your behavior. As a result, you grow up believing it’s OK to do whatever you want.

When you did something wrong, your parents took care of any fallout and protected you from blame, so you never learned that certain actions have consequences.

If they took care of your financial needs into early adulthood and never expected you to work for things you wanted, you may not understand why you need to work now.

Protective parenting

Protective parents, on the other hand, can make you feel as if the adult world is frightening and full of difficulties.

They might encourage you to enjoy childhood and fail to teach skills like budgeting, housecleaning or simple repair skills, and relationship maintenance behaviors.

Parents who want to prolong your youth may also avoid discussing these adult concepts with you. This can lead you to steer around these concepts in your own life.

Economic factors

Cheatham also points out that economic hardship and stagnation can contribute to Peter Pan syndrome, especially in younger generations. In other words, “adulting” might be a bit harder than it used to be.

“I think it takes more hustle, self-motivation, and social skills to guide a career than it did in the past,” he says.

Failure to Launch, a 2013 report generated by Georgetown University, suggests that technological and structural changes in the American economy make for a more jarring transition between adolescence and early adulthood.

Lower wages and fewer opportunities to get ahead in the workforce can also stall already low motivation to pursue a career you feel less than enthusiastic about.

College tuition rates that have outpaced inflation have created added financial stress and anxiety, which some people attempt to manage by avoiding financial responsibility entirely.

Maintaining a playful outlook can help reduce stress and improve long-term mental health, so having a child-like, curious personality can definitely have its upsides.

Someone with Peter Pan syndrome might, for example, live more spontaneously and encourage you to enjoy the small things in life. They might have a loving, sweet personality. You probably have a lot of fun together.

Peter Pan syndrome goes beyond everyday playfulness, however, and involves the skirting of responsibilities. When this mindset begins to creep into other aspects of life, problems can develop.

All of this sound a little too much like your partner?

While it is possible to encourage and support positive change in a partner, it’s generally not possible to change someone who isn’t ready or willing to do the work.

“Trying to change your partner’s level of commitment or ambition will only frustrate you both,” Cheatham explains. He cautions against radically lowering or modifying your expectations to continue the relationship.

Instead, he recommends communicating your own ambitions, expectations, and life goals.

“It’s about setting a tone of adulthood and seeing how they respect and respond to that,” Cheatham says.

If you’ve made your partner aware of what you want from the relationship and your life together, and they show no signs of sharing those same goals, it’s time decide whether to accept the relationship as it stands or seek out a partner whose goals and behaviors do align with what you want.

Ending enabling behaviors, like cleaning up after your partner or paying their bills, may help them recognize the need for change.

“All relationships involve compromise and negotiation, but hopefully you can find some middle path between changing someone and enabling them,” Cheatham concludes.

Adulthood brings plenty of complicated things to worry about: relationship and parenting challenges, student loan payments, joblessness, and more.

In short, it’s not easy to be a productive, tax-paying member of society. It’s pretty normal to wish you could return to your teenage years, when your primary responsibilities were biology exams and watching your little sister.

If you realize you tend to avoid necessary parts of adulthood, like finding consistent work or taking care of errands and chores, it’s important to understand why.

Although it’s certainly possible to make changes on your own, failing to identify the factors playing into these patterns can set you up to fall right back into them.

Therapy is key to successful exploration. Therapists can offer nonjudgmental support by helping you examine patterns in your life and notice how they affect your relationships and chances of success.

In therapy, you can also explore other concerns leading you to rely on your partner for emotional and financial support, including money worries, anxiety, or fears of loneliness.

Get started with our guide to affordable therapy.

Peter Pan syndrome is more of a set of behaviors than an official diagnosis. While it’s typically associated with males, it can apply to anyone.

If you feel like your partner exhibits these behaviors, all you can do is clarify your needs and goals. From that point, it’s your choice whether to take them as they are.

Crystal Raypole has previously worked as a writer and editor for GoodTherapy. Her fields of interest include Asian languages and literature, Japanese translation, cooking, natural sciences, sex positivity, and mental health. In particular, she’s committed to helping decrease stigma around mental health issues.

Peter Pan syndrome: what to do if a man refuses to grow up

Peter Pan syndrome is a psychological phenomenon in which an adult does not want to be one and take on the responsibilities of his age. This syndrome belongs to pop psychology - it is not listed in any diagnostic manual, and its symptoms differ from each other depending on the initial data. However, a typical manifestation of this psychological phenomenon is most often an open unwillingness to grow up, to take responsibility, obligations and the desire to live the lifestyle of a teenager. Together with psychologist Olga Romaniv, we understand the intricacies of the problem and look for ways to solve it.

According to statistics, men are more likely to suffer from Peter Pan syndrome than women - this may be due to various factors, but the essence remains the same - a person who is in the grip of this psychological phenomenon is not able to grow up and in every possible way strives to extend the period of a carefree existence. To begin with, it is worth understanding what are the main causes of this condition.

Overprotectiveness

Many adults with Peter Pan Syndrome have experienced in childhood that their parents never said “no” to them. They did not discipline their child or teach him any life skills, and when these children became adults, their parents still continued to overprotect them. Instead of gradually introducing the concepts of growing up, parents strive to protect their child as much as possible, which prevents him from developing, reduces his ability to work and provokes an extreme degree of lack of independence ( see also: Under the hood: what parental overprotection can lead to).

Exactly being spoiled can lead to unwillingness to take responsibility. The sudden transition from living "on everything ready" to adulthood, where there is work, paying bills and other unpleasant responsibilities, causes many people to become irritated and unwilling to embark on the path of adulthood.

Childhood trauma

At the other extreme of this problem are people who were abused as children. Such a person may feel that he needs to "catch up" when he becomes an adult. He understands that he has grown up, but he wants to return to childhood in order to feel safe. One of the clearest examples of this phenomenon is the king of pop Michael Jackson. He had a difficult childhood, and as he grew up, he wanted to return to the role of a child. He even named his estate Neverland and dressed up in a Peter Pan costume, cultivating the desired behavior pattern.

Of course, such reasons need to be worked out in a psychologist's office, because here we are not even talking about the unwillingness to take responsibility, but about the desire to escape from the problem, drown out childhood traumas and close ourselves off from the outside world, hiding under the mask of a frivolous child.

Nostalgia

Longing for the period when a person was under the care of parents is a fairly common phenomenon. There is something comforting about remembering the things you loved when you were a child. However, for a person with Peter Pan syndrome, such moments can turn into an obsession - he will strive to recreate the atmosphere that reigned in his childhood, depend on his parents as an adult, do reckless actions in the hope of returning the sensations that pleased him as a teenager. It's worth remembering that it's okay to be nostalgic, but when you spend too much time looking back at the past, you may not see both your future and your present.

Financial problems

A person’s reluctance to grow up can also be associated with failures at work and financial difficulties - the burden of responsibility that falls on the shoulders of someone who until recently was completely dependent on parents is sometimes difficult to endure, and therefore many accept the wrong the decision to retreat at the first failure. In this case, a person is faced with apathy, depression, lack of aspirations and closes in on himself, believing that he is unable to achieve success in the professional field.

All the above reasons for the appearance of the problem only indicate why this happened, but in such situations it is important not only to understand the cause-and-effect relationships, but also to find a competent solution and help the person move in the right direction.

If, for example, your friend or partner is showing symptoms of Peter Pan syndrome, try discussing the problem with them. In addition, you need to stop indulging his whims - if you previously helped him financially, offer to replace this imaginary help with real one. Try to help the person find a good job, offer several ways to make money on their own, and explain that you don't have to deal with their financial difficulties.

There are also situations where a person loses the sense of reality, for example, playing video games for days or spending most of their time on the Internet. In this case, it is worth trying to discuss this issue, and if the situation does not change, seek the advice of a psychologist.

The main thing is to remember that a person will not be able to be in the role of a child all his life if he is not allowed to do this and not played along with him in this. Of course, there are certain pitfalls in this matter, but the right strategy of behavior and the help of a specialist can solve this problem once and for all.

family psychologist.

Photo: Getty Images

Peter Pan syndrome: what to do if your partner refuses to grow up

13,982

Relationship crisis but it is more common among men. The most obvious indicators of this disorder are the inability to establish responsible relationships and keep promises made. Sometimes all thoughts are occupied by appearance, and worries about it, as well as one's own well-being and benefit, are combined with extreme self-doubt.

Often such men disguise their insecurities and appear as self-aware, successful machos. Upon closer acquaintance, it turns out that the image is far from the real character.

Another "red flag" of this syndrome is the endless change of partners in an attempt to find ever younger companions. However, as soon as the relationship requires more involvement of both parties, such men will prefer to retire. Communication with a younger woman gives them certain advantages: due to their age, their companions also prefer to live for today, allowing the man to avoid responsibility for the development of relationships.

Peter Pan - is it hopeless?

Those who, like me, find themselves married to such a person face a number of unhappy features of such a husband and father.

He can't hold on to any job.

He suffers from shopaholism, but indulges himself exclusively by buying electronics or items that support his hobby. Primary accounts are deferred for later, and you are responsible for them.

He is a pathological liar. His help with children consists in ignoring them and playing with toys himself. Others see your child in him and express their claims to you, not to him. This happened in my marriage even though I was 19 myself.years and we had no children.

Peter Pan Syndrome is in many cases triggered by childhood experiences.

There is probably not much you can do for someone who is not ready to grow up. Perhaps working with a psychologist will help him better understand what inclines him to such behavior. However, the experience of my marriage and observation of other men with this problem showed me that all efforts (which are most likely made by you, not your partner) will be in vain.

Looking back, our marriage was doomed even before we said a solemn "yes" to each other on our wedding day. We, like any couple, were haunted by many trials, but the main problem was that the ex-husband could not grow up. I know that in his case, as in other stories I know, it was provoked in childhood.

His mother left him in the care of his grandmother when he was four. She herself went to another city to build a personal life, she saw her son little and reluctantly, he experienced her disappearance all his adult years. At particularly difficult moments for him, he would unexpectedly burst into tears like a child and even begin to suck his thumb. And although he and I both understood where our problems were growing from and why he was behaving like a child, this did not help. He agreed to visits to the therapist, but they did not help either.

When we divorced, he blamed me and tried to win over all mutual acquaintances to his side. He lied to everyone, including our son. I did not try to convince the child when he talked about how his father spoke of me. It was not an easy choice, but I decided not to do anything and not to speak in response, but simply to give my son the right, having matured, to decide everything for himself.

I did not want to condemn the child to more suffering by telling what I experienced with his father. Unfortunately, that's exactly what I did during our marriage. And for a son who loved us both, it was painful. Therefore, after the divorce, I decided not to answer my ex-husband with his own weapons.

At times he will surprise you with intelligent behavior, but this will not last long. Perhaps at the beginning of the marriage you will have illusions that he will become more responsible when the child arrives.

I do not rule out that at times your husband will surprise you with meaningful and adult behavior: he will find a good job, become an attentive conversationalist, and will try to help in your affairs, but this will not last long.

One of my close relatives married such a person, and I know that there is almost no day that does not end for her without tears and a sense of betrayal.

Now I understand how my loved ones suffered, seeing how hard I tried to fight for our relationship.
Learn more

Who said the definition of insanity

What causes mob mentality

I obsess over everything

Dsm 5 anxiety diagnostic criteria

Consequences for teenagers

Dark night of the soul psychology

Do it like this

How to get over the death of your dog

How to know what type of personality you have

Distort reality meaning

Blue sky physical therapy