Steps to healing from codependency

Recovery from Codependency | Psych Central

Recovery from codependency can be a challenging process that requires ongoing maintenance. You can learn how to conquer codependency in just a few steps.

If you tend to put your partner’s needs and wants before your own, you may be in a codependent relationship.

What may begin as a persona or posture of selflessness, can warp into a compulsive codependent style in relationships where someone will do anything — anything — to make their person happy.

Codependency is a pattern of forsaking your well-being, needs, and self-care to instead put most of your energy into supporting (or enabling) the people in your life.

If you’ve been stuck in codependent thoughts and behaviors for a while, you understand that recovery is a long-term process requiring mindful self-care and self-love.

Recovery from codependency isn’t all or nothing. It will take some time as well as trial and error. Understanding the difference between healthy and unhealthy behaviors and going through all of the required stages and steps can lead you to finally conquering codependency once and for all.

The first step to overcoming codependency in your relationship is learning the difference between unhealthy codependent and healthy interdependent behaviors.

In a codependent relationship, you may put your partner’s needs before your own and not know who you are without the other person, says Holly Schiff, a licensed clinical psychologist in New York and Connecticut.

She adds that someone who’s codependent “may make excuses for the other person and tolerate harmful behavior.”

A healthy, interdependent relationship has mutual respect and no power imbalance. You’re able to rely on your partner for mutual support but can still maintain your identity as a unique individual, explains Schiff.

If you see codependent characteristics in your relationship, it may be time to make a shift and move into interdependency.

Idil Ozturk, a licensed professional counselor in New York, shares what codependent and dependent behaviors may look like in a relationship.

Characteristics of codependent behaviors

overreliance on a partner to meet most of your needs
lack of your own identity
choosing partners that you want to “fix” to feel valued (conscious or subconscious)
distress when there is a shift in communication
lack of boundaries, taking responsibility for your partner’s well-being

Characteristics of interdependent behaviors

relying on partners for some things, but not all things
having explicit boundaries
managing disappointment if a disagreement occurs
a healthy sense of self outside of the relationship, such as your hobbies or friends
can successfully co-regulate, wherein you can mutually rely on your partner for comfort without taking personal responsibility for their every waking moment

While change is not easy and will take time, it’s possible to heal from codependency. You can start the process by following these steps:

1. Make self-care a priority

Self-care means valuing yourself and giving yourself love and compassion, says Schiff. She suggests getting back to doing the things that you’ve always enjoyed. Honor your own needs, wants, and feelings by engaging in hobbies and activities that you love.

2. Nurture your social relationships

“In order to overcome codependency, make sure you reconnect with friends and family — nurture your other social relationships,” says Schiff.

When you’re in a codependent relationship you may isolate yourself from others so try and reach out to the people you’ve distanced yourself from to rebuild those relationships.

3. Get comfortable setting and maintaining boundaries

When you’re in a codependent relationship it can be hard to speak up for yourself, or identify what you want, says Ozturk. But “learning to set and maintain boundaries is crucial for any healthy relationship,” says Ozturk.

“It’s important to get comfortable and set boundaries.”

4. Find healthy ways to regulate emotional responses with your partner

It’s natural to long for connection when you’re feeling upset. Ozturk suggests identifying what you need for a warm and responsive interaction with your partner.

“Remember it’s helpful to listen and say ‘I’m here for you,’ even if you can’t solve your partner’s problems.”

5. Practice self-soothing behaviors

To better manage difficult emotions on your own it’s best to develop coping skills, says Ozturk. Learning self-soothing behaviors such as deep breathing or going for a walk can help you manage your emotions.

Healing from codependency takes time. Learning the main signs of codependency is a good place to start. However, speaking with a therapist may help you explore your sense of self so you can better understand why you came to rely so much on another person, explains Schiff.

Trained therapists can also:

teach you how to set personal boundaries so you can avoid codependent relationships in the future
help you acknowledge specific patterns of behavior so you can learn how to modify the behaviors for healthier alternatives
help you change “irrational thoughts, so you can learn how to tolerate uncomfortable emotions

There are online therapy options and support groups as well. While you vet a therapist it’s still good to “put yourself first and honor your own needs, wants, and feelings,” says Schiff.

Taking time for yourself doesn’t mean you should never consider others’ feelings. It just means that you’re taking the time for your self-care. As the metaphor commonly extrapolated from airplane safety protocol goes: You have to put on your own oxygen mask before seeking to help someone else.

Codependency is focusing on others’ wants and needs before your own. While it’s natural to want to support your loved one, it’s also important to consider your own needs and respect their, and your, boundaries.

If you’re having a hard time working through the steps by yourself, a therapist can offer guidance and support. Remember, it is possible to break the cycle and conquer codependency with consistency and mindfulness.

How to Start Healing from Codependency

How to stop being codependent

If you have codependent traits, youre probably wondering how in the world you can change these patterns and stop being codependent. This article will give you a general overview of some of the core components of codependency recovery. There are also many wonderful self-help resources (books, workbooks, support groups and 12-step meetings, etc.) available that can help you further understand codependency. In addition, many people find that working with a professional counselor or psychotherapist is invaluable in healing dysfunctional relationship patterns and root causes of codependency such as childhood trauma.

Healing codependency involves: 1) Untangling yourself from other people, 2) Owning your part, 3) Getting to know yourself, and 4) Loving yourself.

Untangle yourself from other people

Codependents tend to get themselves entangled in other peoples problems. We try to fix, control, rescue, give advice, and force solutions on people who often dont want to change. These behaviors, although well-meaning, are incredibly frustrating for everyone involved. We get frustrated because we usually cant affect change despite trying incredibly hard. And focusing on other peoples problems and deficits, distracts us from owning our part in the problems and changing ourselves. These controlling and rescuing behaviors also strain our relationships. Our loved ones resent our nagging and demanding, our air of superiority, and our ultimatums.

Our emotions may also be enmeshed or dependent on other peoples feelings. It might be that when your spouse is in a good mood, youre in a good mood and when theyre in a bad mood, so are you. Or you may have difficulty recognizing your own feelings; youve become detached from yourself because youre constantly concerned about how other people feel.

We can untangle ourselves from others by learning to detach with love and stop enabling. Detaching is similar to setting boundaries. Detaching puts healthy emotional or physical space between you and your loved one so you both have the freedom to make your own choices and have your own feelings. Detaching can include leaving an uncomfortable or unsafe situation, not engaging in an argument, saying no, or refraining from giving advice.

Reflection Questions:

How do you enable or tangle yourself up in other peoples lives or problems?

What kinds of boundaries will help you detach and prioritize your needs?

How do you feel right now? Try to pay attention to your thoughts and how your body feels; notice your own feelings as separate other peoples feelings.

Own your part

In the beginning of recovery, most people with codependent behaviors have a hard time seeing themselves and their relationships objectively; they experience some denial. I use the term denial because its a concept most people understand. I dont intend it as a criticism. Instead, I see denial as a self-protective measure that we use to deal with our overwhelming pain. Denial tries to shield us from our anger, despair, and shame, but it becomes a barrier to changing our codependent patterns.

Sometimes, we struggle to own our part in our dysfunctional relationships or problems. Instead, we tend to blame others. Its easier to say Im broke because my husband spends all our money at the bar or I cant sleep because my mother refuses to take her insulin. When we blame others for our problems, we act like victims, basing our happiness on whether other people will change.

Gaining awareness means accepting responsibility for ourselves, but not assuming responsibility for what other grown adults do. You arent responsible for the bad decisions your alcoholic husband makes or for your mothers health. You are responsible for your own happiness and health, which means you have choices and can take charge of your finances even if your husband keeps drinking and you can learn ways to overcome your insomnia even if your mother doesnt manage her diabetes.

Reflection Questions:

Can you open yourself to the possibility that you have some blind spots? What do you think they are?

If youre having trouble seeing yourself and your situation objectively, do you have a trusted friend who can help you see things from a different perspective?

Do you blame others for your unhappiness? Do you ever think, Ill be happy when _______?

Whats one thing you can do enjoy the present moment?

How can you empower yourself or start solving your problems?

Know Yourself

Enmeshment in codependent families prevents us from developing a deep understanding of ourselves. Often fear was used to force us to conform to family norms and we werent allowed or encouraged to explore our own interests and beliefs during childhood. We learned to suppress who we are to please others and avoid conflicts. In adulthood, we tend to stay enmeshed or focus on other people such that we really dont know who we are, what we like, or what we want. We become defined by our roles (husband, mother, teacher, etc.) instead of seen as the complex individuals that we are. Codependency recovery, therefore, must include getting to know ourselves.

Getting to know ourselves isnt self-centered or selfish. Its a healthy interest and respect for ourselves. It means that we care about ourselves and are curious about who we are.

Reflection Questions:

What do you like to do for fun?

How do you want to be treated?

What are your goals?

What do you believe in?

You can find additional questions and journal prompts for self-exploration in my Resource Library. Sign-up for free access HERE.

Love Yourself

Author and psychotherapist Ross Rosenberg coined the term Self-Love Deficit Disorder to reflect that feeling worthless, insecure, and unlovable are at the core of codependency. Our focus on pacifying, pleasing, and taking care of others, coupled with fears of rejection and inadequacy often keep us stuck in unsatisfying relationships where we accept disrespect, abuse, or loneliness. We must gather the courage to be and love our authentic selves in order to recover from codependency.

We can do this through self-compassion, accepting our imperfections and mistakes, and regular self-care. Self-love is saying something kind to yourself instead of being self-critical or exaggerating your flaws. Self-love is prioritizing your basic physical needs such as getting enough sleep, eating nutritious foods, exercising, and taking medications as prescribed. Self-love is also setting boundaries, stating your opinion, asking for what you need, and making time for fun and social connections. If youre not used to taking care of yourself, it may feel uncomfortable for a while, but with each small act of self-compassion or self-care, you are taking concrete steps to love yourself more.

Reflection Questions:

What is one thing you can do for your emotional health this week?

What is one thing you can do for your physical health this week?

What do you usually say to yourself when you mess up? What could you say instead that would be understanding and supportive?

Healing from codependency is a challenging process. Go slowly — try to implement these codependency recovery concepts a little bit at a time and dont expect yourself to do it perfectly!

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2017 Sharon Martin, LCSW Photo byTom EzzatkhahonUnsplash.

Codependent Relationships: 8 Steps to Healing a Painful Relationship

Table of contents:

Co-dependent relationship is when next to your loved one you feel bad, hurt and empty. When you depend on your partner emotionally and lose yourself.

Initially, I want to clarify that in this article we will talk about addiction, which causes harm, destroys relationships and us, in which suffering takes over, lowering our self-esteem.

Since we are all in a certain dependent relationship:

parents-children;
friends; familiar;
man and woman,
is, after all, master and cat.

Therefore, not all dependent relationships require healing. Sometimes it is a pleasant addiction that brings us happiness. But, if your relationship makes you a victim, a hysteric, lowers self-esteem, causes feelings of anxiety and fear, then these steps are for you.

How to get rid of love addiction? 7 psychological techniques

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Spending a huge amount of time communicating with men and women, I came to the conclusion that one of the leading and sore topics is the problem of love addiction. Of course, the manifestation of the disease as such in women is much more common.

But men should not be ignored either, because in my practice, I also saw the stronger sex with tears in their eyes, suffering from suffocating addiction. And everyone has their own reasons, mostly from childhood. And this dependence extends to all spheres of our life: relationships, self-realization, career, health.

The path of healing from addictive relationships is very long and difficult. But it exists if the one who suffers from addiction understands that fixing, changing, fighting, manipulating, controlling, sacrificing, demanding - all this does not work! We need to finally start healing ourselves. And this healing has only two options and the third is not given:

either continue searching for an ideal partner and fall into the same dependent relationship, since the question is not in a partner, but in self-identification.
Or, finally, take on an unbearably difficult, responsible task, take responsibility for your life, understand that the root of the problem is inside and stop looking for a partner until you analyze, heal, heal your soul, your “I” . Until you start to identify yourself as a worthy person.

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Steps to Healing from Codependent Relationships

Once you recognize a problem, don't be alone with it. Seek help from a specialist.
Put your healing first among all tasks. Let this be your goal.
Daily devote time to spiritual development, the development of yourself as a person. Begin to know yourself and your desires every day of your life.
Give up bad habits such as control and manipulation.
Begin to recognize your problems and shortcomings. Perfect people do not exist, and this is the norm.
Analyze what qualities you lack to achieve the goal and start working on their development.
Think about what makes you addicted, what you depend on and start working on eliminating this cause!
Become selfish. Start living for yourself. Love yourself in this state.
Every time try to do something that is not natural for you. Try to overcome small barriers and fears daily.

Why do I put seeking help in the first place? In fact, this is the first step you take towards admitting that you have problems. To the realization that it is you who are responsible for this, and this is the step that allows you to receive the first response information and support. After all, it may not even be a psychologist, but, for example, a book, or a psychological forum. The main thing is to understand that you are not alone in this. And there are people just like you. And most importantly, there are those who coped with this.

The most frightening thing for many is that it is imperative to leave a partner. But in fact, psychotherapy or self-healing absolutely does not require this. The fact is that after the expiration of time, healing yourself, doing the steps that are described above, you yourself will understand whether you should leave or not. Relationships will begin to change in proportion to what you do and how you change.

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Make healing an end in itself

Just imagine how much time we spend on correcting, changing, proving something to our partner? How many are ready to endure disrespect for themselves, to wait for something to change. So, why not direct these forces to yourself and, finally, allow yourself to live the way you deserve it? But for this you need to gain strength and really want.

At this stage it is very important to recognize why this pattern of behavior exists in your mind. Analyze your childhood memories, parental behavior. What fears and attitudes came into your life from childhood?

Healthy and fulfilling relationships begin with self-love

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Develop as a person

The next step is a base so that you can build normal healthy relationships in the future. And in principle, lived regardless of the presence of relationships in your life. It is self-development that will make it possible to avoid addiction in the future.

Developing yourself, you become a strong and self-sufficient person who understands what she needs, what she wants, what she can do, and what is impossible in relation to her. Stepping on the path of development, you expand your horizons, make positive acquaintances, which are necessary like air, in this state of affairs.

The most important thing in this is that step by step, you find what gives you vitality and confidence. Discover a kind of activity that brings you pleasure and prosperity. You let people into your world who will positively influence your emotional state.

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Give up manipulation and control

This means to stop artificially approving and praising. Stop taking responsibility for your partner's life. Stop hosting and advise where you are not asked about it. You should not turn relationships into role-playing games, such as "mother and child."

Stop following, learn to respect space and each other's rights. Reward each other with the right to be adults in their own right. After all, the meaning of life is not in relationships. Relationships are a wonderful addition to life.

When mind and libido live separate lives

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Understanding one's problems and shortcomings

Why is this important? Usually, at consultations, I ask you to write a list of what is a problem, what shortcomings a person has. Such an exercise gives you the opportunity to think, look into your past, understand what led to negative consequences. Pay attention to the area of life in which the most problems arise, where there is a serious imbalance. In addition, prescribe the advantages and disadvantages, moreover, in great detail.

Low self-esteem suppresses the virtues and achievements that every person actually has so much that in order to remember all this, you need to raise the list from early childhood to the present time. Having done this work, we will see a clear picture that many situations, both positive and negative, depend on us. We get what we give to the world.

Develop your best and strengths, give them to others, get rid of fears by doing every day an act that is not characteristic of you.

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Getting Out of a Co-Dependent Relationship: 12 Essential Steps

If your self-esteem depends on your partner's approval, and their emotions and actions are always more important than yours, your relationship may be co-dependent. “Codependency is “an unhealthy, inadequate, or dangerous need for another person; I would argue that these relationships are dominated by fear and need instead of love and abundance,” says Andrea Miller, author of Radical Acceptance: The Secret to Happy and Lasting Love.

Co-dependent relationships are often built with people who are addicted to alcohol, drugs, or gambling in one form or another. A 12-step program has been developed for addicts and their families. What are these steps and why are they so important?

1 step. Admit your powerlessness

As long as the codependent is responsible for the dependent person, tries to save him, he loses control over his own life. The addict (alcohol, drugs, games) admits to being powerless over the chemical or games to begin recovery. And a person suffering from emotional dependence on another (that is, co-dependent) needs to admit at the very beginning of his path his powerlessness in the face of an obsessive desire to control the life of another and influence his choices and decisions. Even if these choices and decisions destroy the life of a loved one.

2 step. Be Honest

Just as a person who abuses alcohol can pretend to himself that he drinks “culturally”, so a co-addict can pretend that his involvement in the life of another person is a genuine concern. In fact, the codependent gets hung up on the other from the inability to be alone, to cope with what he has inside. It is always easier to pretend that everything is fine with me, but the problems of my loved ones are much more serious.

3 step. Ask for help

Having admitted that he is unable to control the situation with the power of his own "I", the codependent (just like the dependent) thus recognizes the presence of another, decisive force that keeps him afloat and does not allow his personality to completely dissolve in the near (in addicts - in alcohol / drugs / games). The source of this power is determined individually - someone is healed by faith in God, someone visits groups for co-dependents, and some believe in the knowledge of psychotherapists who take part in their fate.

4 step. Get away from mythological thinking

Codependents often ignore problems and pretend they don't exist. Facing reality is scary and they pretend like the circumstances aren't as bad as they are. Likewise, substance addicts deny for a very long time that their substance cravings have become a real problem, without considering it necessary to seek help. It is necessary to focus on finding support and resources that will help you accept reality, maintain your integrity and withstand the harsh reality of the world.

5 step. Learning to identify and live with your feelings

The inability to cope with difficult feelings (such as anger, hatred, anger, guilt, shame, and others) often becomes an impetus to escape from reality in the use of alcohol and drugs or games. Then dependence is a consequence of the inability to recognize, live and express their emotions. A person who is dependent on another person does not live his life at all and does not know his feelings. He also does not know how to deal with them, cannot cope with them, and therefore it is easier for him to switch to another, to escape into the reality of his life.

6 step. Set boundaries

Normal boundaries are semipermeable. People share with each other the contents of their inner world, this is a mutual and comfortable process for everyone.

Learn more