Narcissist love bombing
Love Bombing: A Narcissist's Secret Weapon
If the growing number of matchmaking businesses and websites is any indication, almost everyone who isn't in a relationship wants to be. Whether you want to be “in love” or “be loved,” there’s likely a specialized business out there somewhere ready to hook you up with “like-minded adults,” “discreet older gentlemen,” “rural Romeos,” “Christian singles,” or whatever your "type" might be. While communication technology and internet connections make it a lot easier to find potential partners, they also increase the risk that you will encounter some less than perfect matches.
When you openly advertise your interest in a romantic relationship, you also signal your availability to any circling narcissists or social predators. If one senses that your guard is down, he or she may assume that you are an easier target for manipulation. And one of the most effective ways of manipulating a potential partner is through flattery and "love bombs. "
Love bombing feels good, until it doesn't.
Love bombing is the practice of overwhelming someone with signs of adoration and attraction—think flattering comments, tokens of affection, or love notes on the mirror, kitchen table, or windshield, and you’re beginning to get the picture. It’s flowers delivered at work with hearts dotting the i’s in your name. It’s texts that increase in frequency as they increase in romantic fervor. It’s surprise appearances designed to manipulate you into spending more time with the bomber—and, not coincidentally, less time with others, or on your own.
We all love to be loved, until it starts to feel like being stalked.
When someone tells you just how special you are, it can be intoxicating, at first. However, when a person uses such comments to keep your focus trained on him or her, or to keep bringing you back in if you’ve started to back off, it could be a case of manipulation. Not everyone who whispers sweet nothings in your ear is a narcissist or predator, of course, but if you’re feeling that something just isn’t right about the person or your relationship, these constant reminders of "how good you are together"—when you suspect that you really aren’t—can be an effort to keep you tethered. It’s often the first line used by a potential abuser.
Why do narcissists love bomb?
Narcissists in particular are known for their skills at manipulation, as much as their penchant for self-love. They may use flattery and attention as tools to build themselves up as the perfect partner, the better to gain your trust, affection—and, ultimately, adoration. Narcissists often learn through experience that once partners see through their facades, the relationship may self-destruct. Once they have convinced you of how good the two of you are together, a narcissist will try to shape your role in the relationship into a member of their "supporting cast." For this and other reasons, narcissists typically struggle to maintain equal, mutually satisfying relationships.
Narcissists move quickly to avoid detection, so the more someone tries to flatter you into submission, the more diligently you need to explore their motives.
If they say they adore me, how can they be narcissists?
Nonstop attention and daily roses can sound appealing, but if you were the object of this type of affection—from someone you just met—you’d probably think it was more creepy than charming. Most of us prefer relationships that unfold in a relatively gradual way. It’s normal to feel a rush of excitement at every glance, touch, or meeting at the start of a new romantic relationship, but when someone’s trying to move it along too fast, it can be more than a little disconcerting.
When we think of a love-bombing campaign, we need to remember that the end goal is to win. When the narcissist uses this strategy, he or she does so to capture their prey before the prey gets too wise to the game. It’s like when you’re trying to entice your dog to come to you at the dog park—you use your sweetest voice, pet names, and maybe even bring out the special treats. You want to win over your dog’s trust and get him close enough to you to snap the leash back on his collar. Narcissists are going to do whatever it takes to get close enough to a romantic interest as quickly as they can before their target bolts.
Individuals who are especially high in the trait of narcissism, or the minority who are pathological narcissists, may see others simply as objects to satisfy their desire for connection or manipulation.
Again, there may be other explanations for “love at first sight” stories: Sometimes people really do just click from the start, and the relationship builds quickly, but still at a healthy pace that is comfortable for both partners. Other times, a lovesick soul may be trying to do anything possible to attract a partner. These cases often elicit pity in the pursued, whereas narcissistic pursuers generate quite a different emotion—anxiety, sometimes fear, and sometimes revulsion.
True love or manipulation: How can you tell?
There’s a saying that if something seems too good to be true, it probably is. From time immemorial, this saying has rung true: When someone is building you up into more than you know that anyone could actually be—or gifting you in ways that are beginning to feel too extravagant, or co-opting your time because they want to spend so much of theirs with you while surreptitiously manipulating you to have little time left over for friends or family—these are signs that the relationship isn’t quite as balanced as it should be.
When a relationship moves too fast—or one partner tries to push it too forcefully—it’s essential that you call your partner on it, and let him or her know how you feel. If he or she is willing to listen and dial it back a notch, there may be reason to give them, and the relationship, more time to develop. If a partner won’t listen to your protestations and just tries to excuse away the smothering behavior, that’s a sign that there’s only likely to be less freedom and more manipulation in the future if you stay together.
When you’re eager to find a partner, it can be exciting to be the focus of someone you find attractive. Beware, though, because narcissists can be skilled at putting on the mask that their target will find most attractive. Healthy whirlwind romances do happen, but if you’re feeling like you’re in the middle of a tornado of attention and it’s more unsettling than not, it’s time to step back and have a conversation. If they’re unable to change their behavior to better match your needs, it’s unlikely that the person is a match for you.
All You Should Know About Narcissistic Love Bombing
Source: Kamil Macniak/Shutterstock
Getting hit by a love bomb feels glorious. The lavish attention and affection seem to answer our prayers. We’ve found Mr. or Ms. Right — our soul mate — unsuspecting that we’ve been targeted by a narcissist. The bomber abruptly changes colors and loses interest, and our dream comes crashing down. The rejection is excruciating, especially at the height of romance. It’s a traumatic shock to our heart. We feel duped, betrayed, and abandoned. We’re confused and try to make sense of the nightmare that was once a dream. What we thought was real was, in fact, a mirage. We search for answers, doubt, and blame ourselves, often losing trust in ourselves and the opposite sex.
Sometimes, partners are ghosted by their disappearing suitor, or are dumped by text, email, or a call. If they’re rejected in person, they’re bewildered by the coldness of the narcissist, who just recently expressed love and promised an amazing future together. They may discover that they’ve been disposed of for a new prospect, cheated on, or two-timed all along. It’s devastating and can be hard to let go, because all of their memories are happy and wonderful. It takes time to accept the truth of who the bomber really was. Denial protects victims from the painful truth that the relationship was not what they imagined.
Love bombing and narcissistic supply
Research shows that love bombers have low self-esteem and are often narcissists; although not all narcissists are love bombers, and some non-narcissists are. Despite a façade of confidence and independence, narcissists feel insecure and empty. They require constant reassurance or “narcissistic supply” from those around them, but like vampires, it’s never enough to fill their emptiness or satisfy their hunger.
Rather than confidence, they actually fear that they’re undesirable. Their sense of self is determined by what others think of them; they try to control what others think to feel better about themselves. Thus, love bombing is a means to seek attention, boost their ego, and fulfill self-enhancement needs for sex, power, and control. When they’re depressed, have suffered a loss, or are disenchanted with their last conquest, they look for new narcissistic supplies.
Many narcissists employ seduction, engage in game-playing, and use relationships for self-enhancement. Dating is intense and moves quickly. The attention can be dizzyingly exciting to the recipient. There’s frequently excessive communication, reflecting bombers’ neediness for affirmation, usually by text or social media, where they can exercise more control at a distance.
Idealization and devaluation
For a narcissist, it’s not enough to be liked or appreciated. It only counts when the other person has status or highly valued qualities, such as wealth, beauty, special talents, power, celebrity, or genius. Narcissists idealize prospective partners to augment their own lack of self-esteem. The thinking is, “If I can win over the admiration of this very attractive person, then I must be worthy. ”
Source: © Darlene Lancer 2018
As reality creeps into the relationship, they discover that their partner is inadequate or fear that their flawed, empty self will be revealed as expectations for emotional intimacy increase. Any slight or imagined chink in their ideal image of their partner feels painful. As narcissists’ vision of their perfect partner deteriorates, their hidden shame increasingly causes discomfort. They in turn project this onto their partner, whom they criticize and devalue.
This is particularly true of perfectionistic narcissists. When their partner’s luster fades, they no longer provide a satisfactory object to boost the love bomber's self-esteem. They discard their partner and look elsewhere for a new source of narcissistic supply.
When relationships with narcissists endure, the partner feels drained, hurt, resentful, and lonely. Disrespect and lack of caring damage their self-esteem over time.
Narcissists have insecure attachment styles that are either avoidant or anxious or some combination. People with insecure attachment styles feel a basic insecurity stemming from relationships with early caregivers. They doubt the reliability of others to satisfy their emotional needs and base their self-esteem on the behavior and responses of others. (See “Narcissists are Codependent, too.”) One study showed that people with an insecure attachment style were more likely to engage in love-bombing.
Most codependents also have low self-esteem and insecure attachment styles and seek relationships to validate their worthiness. Their unconscious belief is, “If I’m loved, then I must be lovable.” Although some codependents may behave in ways that appear needy and insecure, narcissists hide their neediness and act self-assured, in control, proud, and even cocky — like a male peacock flaunting his feathers. To insecure codependents, this display is very attractive. They’re impressed and attracted to the traits they wish they had. They, too, idealize narcissists, who soak up their admiration. Narcissists are skillful and charming communicators, adept at making people admire and like them. Both narcissists and codependents are able to adapt to the likes and needs of one another, but for the narcissist, it’s a tactic of seduction; for the accommodating codependent, it’s a way of relating and their personality style. (Conquering Shame and Codependency compares the personality styles of narcissists and codependents.)
When codependents experience love-bombing, their low self-esteem is also raised. They finally feel seen and appreciated, unlike in their childhood. They imagine a future free of their inner emptiness and loneliness with this ideal mate who will always love them. In the initial phase of mutual admiration, they overlook or don’t see differences or potential problems.
The good news is that we can change our attachment style. Meanwhile, it’s important to go slow when dating. Rushing intimacy doesn’t rush love, only our attachment. It’s an attempt to gratify personal, psychological needs. Check out "Red Flags and Blind Spots in Dating a Narcissist." It takes time to know someone. That is how trust and love grow in a healthy relationship. Mature daters won’t use undue seduction, charm, or make premature promises and expressions of love. They take their time dating in order to assess whether someone will be a good long-term partner, and they won’t want to disappoint or hurt them.
Stay connected to your body and your feelings. In the intensity of a new romance, question whether your “excitement” isn’t really anxiety about rejection and uncertain hope about a rosy future. Do you feel free to be open and honest and set boundaries, or are you walking on eggshells? Are you complying to please your partner? In other words, can you be authentic, say “no,” and express negative feelings? That usually takes time and trust. Often, codependents think, “I trust people until they give me a reason not to. ” Mature individuals know that trust must be earned. Love bombers lie, but it takes time to figure this out.
Watch and listen to how your date treats and talks about others and their ex. Do they heap praise on you, but order, blame, or disparage other people? Your date may one day treat you that way. (See “5 Red Flags and Blind Spots in Dating a Narcissist.”)
© Darlene Lancer 201890,000 recognition of love with love - mental health
In this article
- Not all love can be sincere
- Determine these egocentric people
- Red Lights
- What they receive, bombing you
- bombardment of insults
- Protect yourself protect yourself
Love is something that we all would like to experience at least once in our lives. That fabulous love that may not be, but there is no price for hope, right?
In the midst of all these dreams and hopes of finding true love, one learns that there are forms of love that are used to manipulate and destroy one person in order to satisfy the ego of another.
Of course, that's not what we mean when we say we want to be loved, right? If your answer is yes, which it obviously is, here is our guide to understanding what this terrible form of love is and how to avoid it.
Not all love can be sincere
Let's first talk about what "Love Bombing" really is. It's quite simple to understand and you may even have actually experienced it without realizing that there is a term used to define it.
We all pretty much know what love is, and a bomb is not something that a person would not know about; So, put together, this is truly a destructive weapon covered in love.
The effect on the person against whom it is used is destructive and complex. Who doesn't want to be loved? Who doesn't want to be taken care of?
Receiving this love disguised as a weapon only to destroy you is definitely not something anyone would want to experience.
The love bomb is a tool used by narcissists and manipulators, people who only love the world that revolves around them.
Identify these self-centered people
First of all, you must be able to identify narcissists in order to avoid love bombardment. The narcissist is an egocentric person whose world revolves around "me, me and me". There is no place for "you, them, them or us" and if you meet someone else, don't wait.
Not to mention being their friend; The common sense is to understand that falling in love with a narcissist is only what will lead to disaster and heartbreak.
How exactly do you know who these people are? Since we don't mind readers, some signs similar to those emitted by daffodils can be used as a red light to scare off such people.
To protect yourself from entering into relationships that are not based on mutual love and trust, it is important to know the red light that indicates narcissism.
The very first anxiety is that the person will be overly affectionate and will try to maintain the relationship in order to move faster than usual.
They don't let it all unfold naturally; they are rather trying to manipulate you into giving them all their trust and affection at an abnormal rate. This burst of emotion is performed to confuse you; you may temporarily lose the ability to think straight and become easily manipulated.
The second red light is the fact that you may actually feel reluctant/indecisive around this person.
The reason is that you start to feel that they are using you. This feeling is definitely not wrong, and this is their main motive.
What they get by bombing you
Imagine someone who survives on ego, conceit, vanity and abnormal self-love. Now imagine that this person suddenly tries to love another person more than himself. Sounds impossible?
It's not that manipulators get nothing with love bombing; the truth is that they get a lot and even more. Having another person who feeds your ego and conceit, having a slave who claims to be king is all they need.
To do this, they attack people who can be easily manipulated; showering them with masses of tenderness and care, only later to use them as tools to create their own ego locks. So don't take excessive adoration as just the only negative that happens when you're involved with a narcissist.
You become a slave, someone they can later abuse and use for their own happiness.
Bombarded by a bout of insults
Suppose a person is bombarded with love and manipulated into staying with a vain person, being his slave and listening to that person even when he is uncomfortable. It may seem terrible, but that's not all.
Love bombing almost always ends with an insult to the person who has been bombarded with this so-called love.
Relationships become abusive as the narcissist later uses power and force to get the other person to comply and stay in the relationship even if they started to feel differently.
This abuse can take many forms, such as verbal, physical or emotional, and the trauma can be long lasting.
Abuse is not something no human deserves, so to protect yourself from such predators, always remember one thing; Love is not meant to be forced; the rest is not worth it.
Me, me, me again: an epidemic of narcissism
The concept of "narcissism" migrated to psychiatry from Greek mythology. The nymph Echo fell in love with a beautiful young man, and he rejected her feelings. As punishment, the gods doomed Narcissus to unrequited love for his own reflection, and the young man died admiring himself in the water of the stream. In general, in psychology, the picture of narcissism is not too different from that described in the myth.
Sigmund Freud (the first to use this term) argued that narcissism is inherent in absolutely all people, but to varying degrees, that this is a normal stage in the development of any child. And many psychologists are sure that a healthy share of narcissism is only good for an adult. But for some, the level of narcissism in the body seriously goes off scale ...
Andrew Cohen, world-famous spiritual teacher and author of books on enlightenment, defines narcissists as those who, figuratively speaking, are "constantly busy looking at their own image in the mirror of their own imagination", and narcissism as an obsessive self-indulgence. According to Cohen, narcissism is not just a single psychological problem, but a social problem, a real cultural epidemic. He connects its beginning with the American generation of baby boomers and the aesthetics of postmodernism. This largely helped the formation of a materialistic attitude towards life and towards people (which is typical for narcissistic natures). As Andrew Cohen says, he is a baby boomer himself, and his parents told him that he should do what makes him happy. Not only he thought so, but also many of his peers. And it rarely occurred to anyone to help those who are less fortunate, who are less fortunate in some way.
For each person, his own "I" becomes the center of life, attitude towards it. People constantly think about themselves: about what they like, what they don’t like, what they want and what they don’t ...
And what, according to Andrew Cohen, is especially important: massive, which is why its epidemic is extremely difficult to fight. And daffodils are everywhere.
If an egoist is working with you…
A narcissistic boss is a real nightmare hero. A vain, envious type with inflated conceit, indifferent to the problems of others, prone to exploiting people, while confident in his own exclusivity and uniqueness. He is constantly preoccupied with fantasies of his own success and magnificence. And the main horror is that the narcissist needs a "retinue" - people through whom he will maintain a sense of his own importance and assert himself.
There is little joy if the narcissist does not lead, but simply works with you. To say that working with such an egoist is uncomfortable is to say almost nothing.
"The narcissist is exceptionally resentful: if you do not support him or praise him when he needs it, he will either write you down as his enemies or begin to distance himself from you. Conduct a calm constructive conversation with the narcissist in cases where his interests are very difficult. You always have to remember that for a narcissist the world revolves around him alone. Sometimes he understands at the level of logic that this is not so, but he cannot cope with his feelings anyway. Even if the whole department, the head-narcissist will appropriate the laurels for himself - and let only one of the subordinates try to doubt the validity of such a "sharing". The trouble of the narcissist is that in any situation he sees only what is important for himself, and cannot understand interests of other people. If, for example, a partner suddenly stopped responding to letters, then the narcissist will think that, apparently, the relationship has come to an end, that he was treated unfairly (all to himself beloved). And it wouldn’t even occur to him that something could happen to a person, that he needs to ask, offer help, ”says Ilya Shabshin, a consultant psychologist, a leading specialist at the Volkhonka Psychological Center.
"I would divide the losses from working side by side with a narcissist into psychological (imaginary) and real ones. First, about the psychological "losses". painfully. You need to work on it. The real losses from communication with a narcissist arise when we cowardly allow him to appropriate part of the results of his work, and in the worst case, put him on our necks, losing bonuses, bonuses and career growth. To avoid this, you need to have "all the moves written down" - you need clarity in planning and reports. Clear and substantive speeches at planning meetings and meetings are very important, especially in matters of specific assignments and securing responsibility for results. Remember that "muddy water" is a favorite the element of narcissus," notes practical psychologist Alexander Afanasiev.
How to reduce discomfort
If working with a narcissist is depressing and depressing, and no radical decisions (for example, in the form of your dismissal or transfer of an egoist to another department) can be taken, then you need to deal with the problem "on the spot". How? Our expert gives advice.
"The first step will be the transformation of the annoying question "Why do I need this punishment?" into a productive question - "Why do I need this lesson (test)?" A good hint was given by Carlos Castaneda - similar characters (on our path of development and growth) he called "petty tyrants", the very term helping to understand that victory over them is real and - moreover - necessary.0003
The next step in this work should be the understanding (and acceptance) that the narcissist colleague has trouble - a little-conscious inferiority complex, which he is forced to compensate for by such constant foppery. This is simply his "hereditary" property, like height, for example, and there is little that can be done about it. Find something pleasant for yourself in the narcissist's appearance and perceive him first of all through this. Be sure to praise him for something real, especially for everything useful to you. And clearly, but gently scold for shortcomings and blunders, "advises Alexander Afanasiev.
"If you turned out to be a subordinate of a narcissist, then many years ago a classic described the winning strategy of behavior succinctly: "My light is a mirror, tell me..."
A narcissistic boss will probably have a couple of "weak" topics in his work that he does not like to deal with. the way to interact with him will be to close these gaps. For the boss - the results and a stone from the souls, and for you - honors (if you manage to request or stage them correctly, and not wait for the weather by the sea), "adds the expert.
Are you a narcissist?
Of course, it is very easy to observe the shortcomings of others and criticize them. But to understand the problems of their behavior (even when they obviously exist) is much more difficult. And it is much more difficult to "diagnose" narcissism in oneself. But you can try.
"It is very difficult for a narcissist to make an accurate "diagnosis" for himself, that is, to see himself from the outside, because for this it is necessary to carry out, in fact, a Copernican coup: to understand that it is not the Sun that revolves around the Earth, but vice versa. Here, all the same It is desirable to listen to the opinions of people you trust.However, you can pay attention to one characteristic feature of thinking.When it comes to situations that do not affect you, you reason sensibly, your judgments are accurate, and your actions are effective.But when the situation is directly related to you , concerns your interests, then your reasoning and conclusions become biased and actions do not bring the expected result. This discrepancy may indicate the presence of a narcissistic attitude, "says Ilya Shabshin.