Steps to get over a breakup

5 ways to move on


Give yourself a night or two on the couch with Ben and Jerry, then make a plan to recover and move on with your life.

When your brain conceptualizes that your partner is no longer with you, your mind no longer releases the feel-good chemicals and grief sets in.Getty Images

By Danielle Page

After one particularly bad breakup, I signed myself up for piano lessons. Attempting to master the keys not only helped pass the time, but kept me distracted from trying to follow my ex's every move on social media — and gave me something to talk about with my friends other than the aftermath of my failed relationship.

As it turns out, channeling all that free time into something creative can actually help ease post-breakup pain. "Starting a new hobby or honing one new skill expands your mind and can also boost your self-confidence after a breakup," says Patti Sabla, LCSW, a social worker practicing in Hawaii.

I never got past learning the chorus of "Let it Be" — but I did get over the breakup with some help from The Beatles. However, if the thought of getting off your couch post-breakup seems beyond the realm of possibility for you right now, Sabla says staying in can also be beneficial to your healing process, as long as you eventually shake off those Cheetos crumbs and rejoin society. "There is nothing wrong with curling up on the sofa and binge watching sappy movies on Netflix for a few nights," she says. "But if that becomes your regular Friday and Saturday night routine, it's time to take action."

What happens in our brain when we go through a breakup

One of the hardest parts of getting over my ex was dealing with the positive memories that would hit me out of nowhere as I was going about my day, whether it was a jingle from a commercial he'd always sing to me or walking past one of the brunch spots that used to be "ours".

In fact, the whole breakup would've been much easier if his false accusations and constant attacks on my character were what came to mind instead. But as Travis McNulty, LMHC, a therapist practicing in Florida explains, that's unfortunately not how the chemical process of falling in and out of love works.

"For the duration of your relationship your monogamous brain has identified this person as your spouse," McNulty says. "We’re biologically hardwired to reproduce, so there is a strong bio-chemical reaction that ensues from seeing your 'spouse' that releases powerful neurotransmitters that make us feel good."

So basically, going through a breakup is like trying to quit a drug cold turkey. "When your brain conceptualizes that your partner is no longer with you, grief sets in," says McNulty. "Your mind no longer releases the feel-good chemicals (oxytocin and dopamine) that it once released every time you saw this person." All of which leads to that sick feeling in your stomach. "For most of us, our shift in focus leads us to behaviors that are uncharacteristic and even 'crazy' trying to win that person back — even when we logically know they’re not good for us. "

5 ways to get your mind right after a breakup

Once you've spent a few nights in with your junk food of choice, it's time to start moving forward. Here are five steps to starting over after a breakup that'll have you feeling like your old self again.

  • Talk about your breakup — but make sure it's a constructive conversation. Telling the story of your breakup can be cathartic, especially if you're sharing it with a group of people who have also gone through a similar experience. But if it continues to be the only topic of conversation for weeks afterward, it could be detrimental to your recovery process. "If you continue to lament about the relationship, you can become trapped in your story," Sabla explains. "You may find yourself in victim mode and have trouble moving on." Tell the story once, then seek guidance from your group of peers to help you move forward. "Engage the group with questions about steps they have taken [after a breakup] — and don't just ask about what they have found helpful," Sabla recommends. "Was there anything they did that made it harder to get over their breakup?" Hindsight is 20/20, so take advantage of theirs to make your process easier.
  • Socialize with a supportive group of friends. If the idea of facing a large group of friends or family seems too daunting, start with the one you feel most comfortable with (who also have a knack for getting you out of the house). "Socializing, even when you don't want to, gives you a change of scenery, the opportunity to meet someone new and a reason to put on pants and comb your hair," says Sabla. "Many times we dread going out, then once we are there we remember how much we enjoy it." Post-breakup, your brain is craving those feel-good chemicals that you used to get from spending time with your ex. So get out and relax, laugh a little and spend time with the people in your life who make you happy (who you probably didn't see enough of during your relationship).
  • Beware of social media. Going through a breakup in a time where your ex's whereabouts are just a few clicks away adds another layer of confusion. How you handle the situation really depends on how things ended between you, and the network you share. Amy Cooper Hakim, Ph.D., a therapist practicing in Florida suggests being honest with yourself about two questions: Will it bother me if my ex knows what I’m up to? Will I be tempted to cyberstalk my ex if we remain connected socially? If yes, it's probably best to end the relationship online as well. Also, keep in mind that social media is where we put our best selves forward, which can be hard to witness when a breakup is fresh. Seeing photos of your ex looking happy doesn't mean they've gotten over you so easily — or that you're behind in the process — but it can feel that way. Which is why it is a smart idea to hide their updates at the very least, if you can't quite bring yourself to "unfriend" them altogether.
  • Write down what you learned from the relationship. One of the most important things my ex taught me was how to fight fair — by doing the exact opposite of that throughout our relationship. Making a physical list of what you've learned from a relationship not only reinforces reasons why you weren't a good fit but helps give you a better picture of the type of partner you're most compatible with. "Spend a healthy amount of time in self-reflection so that you can examine what it truly is that you didn’t like about your ex," says McNulty. "Did they make me someone I’m not? What did I compromise that made me resent them? What did I like about them? What am I looking for in the future?"
  • Practice gratitude. After a breakup that forced me to move back into my parent's basement, my father told me, "I know you're sad now, but happiness is a choice. You can to choose to be happy." Some days that was harder to do than others, but realizing I had agency over how I was feeling — even while mourning the loss of a relationship — was a revelation to me at the time. "When you spend your day looking for something positive, your mood and overall outlook changes for the better," says Hakim. "You spend more time appreciating the beauty of the world around you and less time focusing on the breakup."


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How to Get Over a Breakup

Nothing plunges your self-esteem into a pit of despair quite like a bad breakup. Romantic comedy movies and sitcoms would have us believe the process is simple: Turn on a marathon of sad movies in your coziest pajamas, sob into a pint of ice cream for a few days straight and poof! Montage over, you’re a brand new you and out to take on the world. But in reality, once you’ve hit rocky road bottom, you may find yourself slipping into self-destructive habits — ignoring your friends, neglecting your work and generally forgetting about self-care. You’ve been told all your life that there are more fish in the sea (just open your dating app of choice and there they are), but why is it just so hard to bring yourself to cast a new net already?

The answer: love is a drug. No, really. "Functional brain scans have shown that love is a form of addiction," says Guy Winch, PhD, licensed psychologist and author of How To Fix a Broken Heart. "We get used to having a certain substance, and that substance is a person and the relationship in our lives. Then during 'withdrawal,' we get desperate and act out of character." Not only that, long-term relationships mean you've molded your life around another person’s. You’ve made compromises as well as future plans, and having to let go of that isn’t as simple as swiping left or right. But don't despair: We asked relationship experts for their best advice on how to get over a breakup, and there are a number of simple steps you can take — none of which involve Ben & Jerry.

1. Rebuild your self-esteem

If your partner initiated the break-up, it’s perfectly normal to start picking apart your physical appearance and personality traits, questioning what's wrong with you that would cause someone to fall out of love. Instead, reverse that thought pattern. "Focus on what you really value in yourself and what you brought to the relationship, rather than what qualities you don’t possess," Winch advises.

2. Focus on your positive qualities

It's easy to get down on yourself when you get dumped. To remind yourself how very worthy of love you are, get out a pen and paper or your Notes app and put it down in black and white. "Write a list and think of traits that speak to your character, emotional strengths, skillsets, abilities and any other quality that has value in a relationship. " If you’re having a hard time coming up with ideas, tap your closest friends and family, who would jump at the chance to share all the reasons they feel fortunate to have you in their lives.

3. Try new places

"Once a week, find a coffee shop or a restaurant you've never been to and invite at least one friend to go with you," says Mary Jo Rapini, a psychotherapist and author of Re-Coupling: A Couple’s 4 Step Guide to Greater Intimacy and Better Sex, who gives this assignment to all of her clients who are working on healing from heartbreak. That helps you break up your usual routine and get away from the places that you’d always go to with your former partner.

4. Lean on your network

After a breakup is the perfect opportunity to spend quality time with good friends you may not have seen as much while you were paired off. If you've neglected your pals or family members, ask them to try out those new places with you or pick back up on traditions you had that may have fallen by the wayside. It's hard to wallow when you're making new memories with people who love you.

5. Avoid going after a rebound

There's a reason why they're a cliche: rebounds offer a quick boost that’ll make you feel sexy or worthwhile, temporarily. But once that high wears off, you may just feel guilty, according to Rapini. "A lot of my clients express remorse after a rebound because their investment was superficial while other people put their feelings on the line," she says.

6. Don't get bangs

Look, we get it. You want to do something drastic when your relationship ends, but step away from the scissors (or whatever your coping mechanism of choice might be). When you make impulsive decisions, it means you’re trying to find a way to avoid feeling those painful emotions that come with losing someone you loved. "Acknowledge the hurt and understand that being a responsible person means dealing with it," Rapini says. "Be willing to go into the pain."

7. Take a (realistic) walk down memory lane

When your mind eventually wanders and you start reminiscing about all the good times you two had, you’re likely forgetting to factor in the bad parts. (You know, the petty fights, lifestyle differences and pointless squabbles that characterize every relationship). "Your first thought may be 'Oh, that vacation was so perfect.' Remind yourself of how you two didn't speak for 24 hours because you had an argument on the plane ride there," says Winch. "Remind yourself that you would start every trip so anxious because your partner never got to the airport on time. In other words, make it a point to introduce the negative stuff, because your mind will only reinforce the positive. Keep the picture real." Remembering what the whole relationship was really like can help you seek a new situation that doesn't have the same downsides.

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Write down all of their negative qualities

Mom told you if you don’t have anything nice to say then ... well, you know the rest. But we know she'd make an exception just this one time. Go ahead, indulge your inner mean girl for a minute. "Compile a list of all the ways this person wasn't good for you," recommends Winch. "Think of every annoying quality they possessed as well as all the compromises you had to make in the relationship. Keep that list on your phone so you can refer back to it whenever you start thinking they were so perfect. It’s natural to idealize both the person and the relationship." Keeping the qualities that drive you batty will help you take off rose-colored glasses when seeking a new beau, too.

9. Do a social media detox

Especially if you share a lot of mutual friends, unfollowing your former partner isn’t enough to cleanse the timeline of their presence. If you don't want to be bombarded by their face whenever you log on, limit your social media use until the wound heals a bit. Of course, that doesn’t mean the urge to peek at their profile will go away completely. "Think of things you can 'check up' on whenever you have the compulsion to scope out their online activity," suggests Rapini. "Check on your friend who is overwhelmed with a new baby or call your parents."

10. Don't give in to the urge to gossip

While you’re doing everything you can to create distance, your well-meaning friends may be tempted to pass along any juicy gossip about what your ex is up to. Even though it might feel like scratching an itch in the moment, fixating on them won't help you move on. So be proactive and let your network know that you don't want to know and it’s best if they keep the dirt to themselves.

11. Let go of the idea of “closure”

We all know real life doesn’t play out like a rom-com, but you may find yourself wishing you experienced a dramatic break-up even if you didn't. Unfortunately what tends to happen more often IRL is that two people slowly drift apart, and after the split, one of you is left wondering, why?? Instead of beating yourself up looking for answers, it's healthier (and better for your long-term mental health) to realize and accept that you just weren't the perfect match for each other. If the other person isn’t able to articulate why they no longer want to be with you, tell yourself that the fact that your former partner couldn't go the distance is all the explanation you need to properly close that chapter. "The subtext of those explanations are "I deserve someone who can commit,' 'I deserve someone who can love me enough' and 'I deserve somebody who appreciates everything about me.'"

12. Realize you aren't getting back together

Lots of times, people who tell themselves they're fixating on closure are actually looking for another chance. "There’s this fantasy that if you just keep asking, you’ll discover something that will allow you to undo what happened and get back together with that person," offers Winch. But most of the time, that's not going to happen and even more of the time, it's not a good idea anyway. The sooner you let go of that idea, the sooner you can heal. And this should go without saying, but resist the urge to hook up with your ex. Nothing good will come of that (trust us).

13. Focus on things that help you feel grounded

So maybe you can’t bear to go to that spin class where everyone knows you as half of "Amy and John," but that doesn’t mean everything healthy you did together has to go out the window. If you two loved a particular fitness class, activity or h0bby, you can still take solace in it solo (but maybe switch times so you don't run into your ex at the gym or studio). "I find that some people give up activities like attending church or volunteering because it was something they did with their partner," says Rapini. "What you really should be doing is trying new experiences as well as continuing the activities that support your core values. It’s all about balance."

14. Feel your feelings

Getting dumped hurts; no two ways about it. But as those of us who have tried to eat, shop or drown our feelings know it doesn't work. Instead, let yourself stew a little. Acknowledge that you're hurting and that it'll pass. But the key word here is "a little." Set a timer for 10 minutes or so and let yourself really wallow. After the timer goes off, do something that feels good like going for a walk, reading a great book or taking a relaxing bath to remind yourself that you're worth it.

15. Take a break from dating if you need to

Nobody gets over a breakup at the same rate, so don't beat yourself up if it takes you some time. Conversely, if you're ready to hop right back on the apps, that's fine too! Don't force it, either way. The same way rebound dating can hurt if you aren't ready, wading back into serious partner-seeking can backfire too.

16. Consider therapy

Even the strongest support network needs reinforcements now and then. If you're finding that your post-breakup blues are interfering with your life, aren't lifting as quickly as bad feelings normally do or you just want to talk it out with an objective third party, therapy could be the ticket. There's strength in seeking help.

Andra Chantim

Deputy Editor

As the deputy editor of Woman’s Day, Andra (she/her) oversees all print content for the brand. She is a former editor at Good Housekeeping, Redbook, Real Simple and People. Over the course of her 13 year career, she’s covered every inch of the lifestyle space, and has interviewed hundreds of experts on topics including but not limited to relationships, etiquette, personal finance, technology, organization, travel, fashion, beauty, and sustainability. (She's also interviewed a few celebrities, ask her for Kim Kardashian's eBay shopping secrets. ) During her off hours, Andra enjoys Thai dramas and long walks down the snack aisle. 

Lizz Schumer

Senior Editor

Lizz (she/her) is a senior editor at Good Housekeeping, where she runs the GH Book Club, edits essays and long-form features and writes about pets, books and lifestyle topics. A journalist for almost two decades, she is the author of Biography of a Body and Buffalo Steel. She also teaches journalism as an adjunct professor at New York University's School of Professional Studies and creative nonfiction at the Muse Writing Center, and coaches with the New York Writing Room. 

How to survive a breakup - Lifehacker

Why you feel bad from a scientific point of view

At the very beginning of a relationship, oxytocin and dopamine are produced in the brain. When a partner is nearby and everything is fine, the reward system turns on and a whole cocktail of hormones is released into the blood. And we think we are happy.

After parting, the reward system ceases to work, the body begins to break down. The stress hormones produced affect the immune, digestive, and cardiovascular systems. nine0005

The systems that are responsible for the perception of pain are also activated. That is why it seems to the brain that we are physically hurt, although in fact everything is in order with the body.

How to survive a breakup

Allow yourself to suffer

Yes, that's right. There is no need to artificially invigorate. I want to cry - cry. If you want to scream - scream (just don't forget about the neighbors who can hear you). Sing sad songs in the shower. Watch TV serials.

You will be told that everyone is breaking up and there is no need to make a tragedy out of it. Don't listen or try to hide the pain. No one knows what's in your heart but you. If it hurts, let it hurt. Cry until the tears run out, until you feel better, or at least until the devastation sets in. nine0005

Your strength will return, but it will take time. Each person has their own time.

Don't blame yourself

The decision to break up doesn't come overnight. And not even for a month. Most often, it is accompanied by a long process of reflection.

The reasons can be very different. But that doesn't mean you missed something somewhere. This means that both of you have long begun to lose contact.

Responsibility always lies with both, although not always equally. It is not necessary to calculate who is more to blame. Look to the future and don't repeat your mistakes. nine0005

Don't blame yourself. Yes, you could get irritated less often or demand less. But the partner could talk to you about it.

Do not try to return your partner

If it seems to you that there is nothing left in life and you need to return everything, stop. Fear speaks to you.

It's scary to be alone after a long relationship. And this is a completely normal reaction.

Do not give in to fear. Don't try to get your ex back with humiliated requests. Even if he returns, nothing good will come of such a relationship. nine0005

Get down to business

When the first sharp pain is over, go where you couldn't or didn't have time to go together. Watch movies that you liked but your ex didn't. Think about a hobby abandoned during a relationship.

Do things you would never do together. This will allow you to feel a freedom that was not there before.

In many cities dance, drawing, clay modeling, knitting or metal burning studios are now open. Trial lessons are often free. Why not try? In the worst case, you will lose an hour. At best, you will find a job that you love with all your heart. nine0005

Get moving

Immediately after a breakup, many people lose weight because they can starve for days on end. But when the resources of the body are completely depleted, the appetite wakes up and the weight begins to grow.

At the same time, you want not just to eat, but to seize a bad mood with high-carbohydrate foods: pizza, ice cream, chocolate. If at the same time you move a little, the weight will grow even faster.

Therefore, you need to move, even if only minimally.

Make a list of good things

Do you think the world has faded and nothing good is left? This is not true. Your brain simply reacts to stress, and one day the black bar will end.

In the meantime, make a list of the good things you have. Work, friends, books, a collection of stamps or favorite cups, the taste of hot coffee in the morning, the smell of freshly cut grass, shopping - whatever brings you joy.

Add items to the list regularly, and when it gets really bad, re-read.

Change of scenery

If everything around reminds you of a former partner, you should think about changing the situation. Can't leave? Rearrange, buy new curtains or dishes. Changing the color scheme will help you tune in a different way. Experiment.

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Chat with friends

You can talk to them, they will support you in difficult times. But do not forget about their feelings, ask before talking about the breakup. Perhaps at this very moment your friend is not ready to listen to you or ready, but not able to give advice. nine0005

Sophia Enikeeva

psychologist, coach

You don't need to communicate with those people who will aggravate your emotional state with phrases like "I told you, it's my own fault." As soon as you find something that can bring you relief, and those people who will support you, immediately start using this resource.

And don't forget to listen and support your friends in return.

Do 5 Exercises

The exercises recommended by psychologist Daphne Rose Kingma in her book How to Get Over a Breakup will help you understand why things happened the way they did. The main thing is to take them only when the first pain subsides. Otherwise, they can make things worse. nine0005

You can print on the computer or take a separate notebook. The second option has an advantage: the paper can be symbolically torn or burned after the exercises are completed.

Do not do exercises in succession. Take on the next one when the emotions subside. Do not try to unsubscribe: this is not an essay that needs to be completed and handed in as soon as possible. No one but you will see what you write.

1. Return to the roots

Briefly tell us about your acquaintance, first date, the beginning of a stormy romance, the time when you just got together. Describe exactly what hopes you had for your ex-partner. nine0005

Now focus on the "evidence" - something that even then foreshadowed problems. It could be some physical or psychological trait.

2. Describe how your relationship developed

First of all, tell us about what happened in your life outside of the relationship. Describe your status at that time. Have you ever been single or have you dreamed of falling in love? Or maybe you were in a relationship with another person? What did you want to achieve? What to experience? nine0005

Describe what you could offer your partner and what he or she could offer you.

Now describe how and when the "evidence" appeared. What did you feel?

Imagine that a movie is being made about your relationship. What name would you give it? You can describe the poster and come up with a synopsis of the story.

Tell us the real reason for your breakup. Is this reason related to the task of developing you or your partner?

Daphne Rose Kingma

psychologist, writer

A few examples: “I outgrew my need for a mommy”, “I finally understood my strengths”, “We raised children”, “We were connected only by sex, it was not enough”.

3. Analyze the gap

Mentally return to the turning point. When did you realize that something inside clicked and hurt? If you were not the initiator of the gap, then this happened later. Describe your feelings at that moment.

Make a list of reasons why your relationship would still fail. nine0005

Write a poison letter to your ex. Freely express your repressed emotions in it, whether it be pain, rage or anger.

Now describe your feelings of guilt. You can self-flagellate as much as you like - the paper will endure everything.

Remember that there are two manifestations of guilt. The first has to do with self-flagellation. The second is a real confession of guilt for some actions. Remember the times when you manipulated, said nasty things, tried to make your ex-partner angry. nine0005

This is unpleasant, but it will help you recognize your shortcomings and get rid of them.

Now write a confession letter to your former partner. You do not need to show him or her what you have written - this is done only for you. Admitting mistakes frees you from guilt.

Finally, write a letter of forgiveness to yourself. You have done a great job and deserve forgiveness from the most important person in your life - yourself.

4. Describe all the good things that this relationship gave you

Try writing a thank you note to an ex or ex.

5. Reassess reality

Invent a new role for your ex.

Describe the task you are currently facing. What do you want from the future? How do you see your new partner?

Daphne Rose Kingma

psychologist, writer

Regardless of how people feel about their breakup, whether they understand that they are still in anguish and confusion, whether they are convinced that they will never be able to come to terms with a breakup, they all left after classes with the feeling that they managed to rise to a more conscious level of perception. nine0005

See a psychologist or psychotherapist

Pain after a breakup is normal. But if it doesn't go away, you may be depressed. If you do not eat all day or, on the contrary, overeat, if you are depressed and everything falls out of your hands, if you think slowly and do not move at all, it's time to think about a visit to a psychotherapist.

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Do's and Don'ts to get over a breakup

Don't look for casual sex

It probably won't help, and you'll feel even worse than before. The desire to have sex is generated by withdrawal. The brain lacks oxytocin, and so we look for someone to comfort us.

Not convinced? Then at least don't get drunk before a date. Alcohol is a depressant. So instead of an enchanting orgasm, you will only get resentment towards the former and a feeling of guilt, and the next morning you will also have a hangover. nine0005

And remember about contraception.

Do not bully or blackmail

Emotional blackmail is often used by the person who has been dumped. The goal is to make the former partner feel guilty and uncomfortable. If the former partner really feels guilty, then he will not answer and besiege you when necessary.

Why can't you do that? Because it's low.

Do not start a relationship immediately after a breakup

Some people try to forget their former partner in this way. Sometimes it works. Sometimes new relationships are strong. But more often than not, they only make things worse. The patch won't help when you need stitches. nine0005

Don't force mutual friends to take sides

Don't give ultimatums in the first place. People don't like it.

If your former partner was abusive, mistreated or violent, and your friends still associate with him and take his side, consider whether you need such friends.

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How to forget your ex-partner

Remove him from all social networks

After a breakup, some people begin to intensively monitor the social networks of their former passions. Someone - in the hope of seeing signs of an imminent return: "In the last photo, she is sad because she misses me." Someone - out of gloating: "How he got burned on vacation, now, I suppose, the skin is peeling off."

Your former partner has a different life now. And if you see posts about her in your feed, it can be hard for you. So clean up the tape. It will also be useful to delete all correspondence. nine0005

Sofia Enikeeva

psychologist, coach

And don't give secret (as you think) signals about yourself. Do not post photos, statuses, quotes like "I'm hard to find and easy to lose" and so on. Realize that the more time and energy you spend on an ending relationship, the more you get stuck in it.

Return all things and gifts to him

Just so that nothing reminds him of the past. This is difficult if you have lived together for a long time and bought a lot together. But without reminders, you can get over the breakup faster. nine0005

If he or she doesn't want to take his things, give them to someone or throw them away. You can even break. There is a chance that it will become a little easier.

How to stay friends

You don't have to keep a good relationship if you don't want to. Even if you have several common children or apartments. Only you can decide how to proceed with your ex. Listen to yourself, not to others.

If you still decide to remain friends, that's fine. Let it be hard. nine0005

Respect each other

This is the most important thing. If you feel like saying something not very nice, try holding back.

Take a deep breath, or several if necessary. Think about why emotions have become so strong and why they are so difficult to contain. When you find the reason, it becomes easier.

When you're both ready, it's time to talk about the relationship and why it ended.

Keep your distance

As hard as it is, you are no longer together. We need to learn to find new boundaries in relationships with each other, and this takes time. nine0005

If a former partner feels guilty, he may try to help you as before. Do not encourage this and sit on his neck.

Remember that life does not end with relationships. And even if it seems that there is no gap, if you are tormented by guilt, do not despair. Once you lived without your partner, which means you can again.

Parting is the beginning of a new life. It gives you the opportunity to grow above yourself, become more conscious and happier.

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13 psychologist's advice on how to survive a breakup - Here and Now

Author of the article: Alexandra Igorevna Naumenko Family psychologist, child psychologist.
Practical experience: 8 years.

We want to love and be loved, we strive to create a happy and strong family, to live in abundance and prosperity. But before finding the ideal life partner, many of us are destined to go through a series of partings. Someone perceives this as the beginning of a new stage in life and finds the strength to move forward, while for someone a break with a loved one is comparable to a serious loss. nine0005

Everything will pass...

Of course, time heals even the deepest wounds. But at the present moment, it seems that it is simply impossible to continue living on, as the brain is absorbed in memories of the past, and feelings towards the former partner are still strong. As a result, we withdraw into ourselves, refuse to communicate with loved ones, surrender to the power of negative thoughts and anxious expectations, and get bogged down in a depressed emotional state.

Although now you do not understand how to live on after parting, sooner or later the emotional pain will pass. The main thing is not to give up and do everything possible so that this condition does not lead to prolonged depression and does not leave an imprint on subsequent relationships. Life has not ended, a lot of interesting things await you ahead, and new, no less happy relationships - including. nine0005

If you are unable to cope with the pain of loss on your own, we strongly recommend enlisting the support of a psychologist. When parting, this is the most correct decision. Or at least take his advice.

If the breakup occurred suddenly and at the initiative of a loved one, and the relationship itself was characterized by painful dependence and the need to patronize and control the other, then experiences can drag on for more than a year.

How long does it take to get over a breakup?

Many people are interested not only in how to survive the breakup of a long relationship, but also how long it will take. Everyone is unique and experiences this difficult period in their own way. In turn, the intensity and duration of experiences directly depend on a combination of the following factors:

  • type of nervous system;
  • circumstances accompanying separation; nine0076
  • the desire and effort you make to start life from scratch.

Full recovery from a rupture is believed to take several months to a year. However, if the breakup occurred suddenly and at the initiative of a loved one, and the relationship itself was characterized by painful dependence and the need to patronize and control the other, then experiences can drag on for a longer period.

It is much easier to go through parting with a loved one if both partners have found the courage to admit that the relationship has exhausted itself, and in parting they expressed gratitude to each other for all the good things that happened. Of course, this does not mean at all that people who are able to easily provide another person with the desired freedom and part peacefully are robots devoid of human feelings. They just know how to find resources within themselves that support them in difficult periods of life and experience after parting more light sadness than unbearable pain and unwillingness to live on. nine0005

Psychologist's advice: how to survive a breakup with a loved one?

We have prepared some simple recommendations for you to help you quickly leave all regrets in the past and feel the joy of life again.

  1. Give yourself time to grieve , arrange a kind of mourning for lost relationships and broken hopes for a joint future. Try to come to terms with the irreversible changes in your life, learn to live on the wave of new energy, without the love and support of a partner, which you used to rely on for the time spent together. nine0076
  2. Out of sight, out of mind. Often after a breakup, people try to maintain friendly relations, believing that this is not a reason to completely remove a person from their lives. But don't be fooled! In most cases, former partners agree to friendship, because they cannot come to terms with the idea that a loved one will leave their life forever. Love under the guise of friendship does not bring happiness, and such friendship will not be real and sincere. No wonder there is a proverb “out of sight, out of mind”. It is much easier to forget a person if do not maintain any relationship with him . In any case, both partners need time to be apart and tune in to an exceptionally friendly relationship.
  3. Make sure that nothing reminds you of your former lover. It is useful to unfollow him on social networks, delete the history of correspondence and reduce communication with mutual friends. Someone after the break gets rid of joint photos and gifts. If you don’t have the strength to part with things, put them in a box and hide them away. Also ask mutual friends not to mention your ex in your presence if possible. nine0076
  4. Remove all music from your player that reminds you of an ended relationship. Replace them with uplifting, uplifting tracks.
  5. Clear the space. Refresh the apartment: do a general cleaning, rearrange the furniture, paste new wallpapers. Cleansing the outer space is a kind of mental cleansing, after which it will become easier to accept changes.
  6. Stabilize your emotional state and find the strength to continue taking care of yourself. Regular healthy eating, manicures, outdoor walks, physical activity will help keep yourself in good shape - both physically and emotionally.
  7. Change your image. Experiment with hair color and length, go shopping and treat yourself to beautiful new clothes and shoes, get rid of things that you no longer like. The external influences the internal - this is a fact, and very soon you will feel better. nine0076
  8. Environment support. After a breakup, close people will try to distract you from painful thoughts, to pull you out of the house, to do something interesting. Do not refuse their help, because entertainment in the circle of loving people is a great way to feel better.
  9. Find an internal resource. Move away from the image of the victim and the expectation that someone should make you happy. Stop looking for love somewhere else, because the main person in your life is yourself. Become a generator of positive emotions for yourself. Find something that you like to do, and something that will develop you, make you more confident and happier. nine0076
  10. Do not fill the inner void with a succession of new partners. It is necessary to give yourself time to go through parting with a loved one and meet your inner emptiness. In fear of pain and loneliness, many skip this important step. Unfortunately, leaving in the arms of a stranger backfires and the feeling of emptiness only intensifies. Stay in conscious loneliness for as long as you need, and devote yourself to restoring vitality, self-development. nine0076
  11. Analyze the quality of your relationship. Think about what kept you in a relationship. If these are children, fear of financial insolvency or loneliness, then, first of all, it is necessary to work on issues of personal maturity, and not on the return of a partner, and it is advisable to do this under the guidance of a psychologist.
  12. Don't try to numb your boredom with food, stimulants, and alcohol. This will not only not bring the desired relief, but will also cause serious damage in the form of the release of stress hormones, physiological dependence and excess weight. Better tune in to conscious inner work to emotionally end relationships and accept your current state. nine0076
  13. If you sincerely need not only love and affection, but the very personality (!) of a loved one, then openly tell him about it, without threats and manipulations. Offer to work through those problems and grievances that have accumulated during your relationship. Seek advice from a family psychologist. That way, at least you can admit to yourself that you did your best. If the partner is categorical in his decision to leave, then you just have to accept his choice and start living your new, separate life. nine0076

Psychologist's view: how they experience parting with a loved one

The experience of breaking up a love relationship often consists of the same stages as the reaction to the loss of a loved one.

  1. Negative. At such a moment, our consciousness cannot accept the fact of what happened. We make plans, cherish hope and console ourselves that the gap is not final, the other half will definitely take a step towards reconciliation, and everything will be as before.
  2. nine0075 Anger. We feel hidden resentment or openly show it. An endless stream of accusations or insults pours into the address of the former partner. Often this helps to separate from the partner, to increase the distance. If we do not allow ourselves to feel anger towards our ex, we often turn all the negative emotions on ourselves: we blame the breakup and convince ourselves that we do not deserve another good relationship.
  3. Trade. We begin to bargain with ourselves or with a former partner in an attempt to start a relationship again. Living through a breakup, we set ourselves a certain period during which we can return our beloved. So our psyche is trying to cope with the breakup and get used to the new situation. nine0076
  4. Depression. At some point, the realization comes that it's time to stop making senseless attempts to deny the breakup.
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