Should i forgive my friend
How to Forgive and Move Forward
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Read more about our vetting process.Forgiving a friend may not be easy, but it could be good for your mental health.
There’s no sugar coating it: it hurts to be hurt by a friend.
When a friend wrongs you, you may question whether the friendship is worth keeping. Yet, even if you feel uncertain about whether you can fix the friendship, practicing forgiveness could be good for your mental health — on top of good for your relationship.
A 2017 study found that greater forgiveness is associated with less stress and better mental health. Another 2017 study also found forgiveness had strong ties to feeling positive emotions, positive relations with others, a sense of purpose in life, and a greater sense of empowerment.
Thus forgiveness may be worth exploring while you explore if the friendship is worth saving.
Forgiveness is a part of friendship, and getting hurt by a friend — even your best friend — is not uncommon.
When a friend hurts you, it often has less to do with you and more on “their past pain and what’s going on with their life,” explains Antoinette Beauchamp, a certified leadership coach specializing in communication and relationship management.
If you’re trying to decide whether you can still be friends, the real question to ask yourself, according to Beauchamp, is, “can you be friends with someone who hurt you without resentment?”
If you don’t think you can forgive the hurt, then “having an authentic friendship will be difficult — and the pain will likely resurface, causing another argument later,” says Beauchamp.
How to determine if the friendship should be fixedDetermining if a friendship should be fixed “depends on how much you value the friendship and whether or not you’re willing to work through the hurt,” suggests Dr. Harold Hong, a board certified psychiatrist in North Carolina.
Your choice to fix the friendship may also depend on the outcome of your confrontation. “If they’re defensive or refuse to take responsibility, you may need to reconsider your decision to stay friends,” says Hong. “You don’t want to lose yourself in a friendship or be with someone who doesn’t value your feelings.
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On the other hand, if they are receptive and apologetic, and you know you want to stay friends, Beauchamp suggests taking the time you need to heal and returning to the friendship when you feel ready and open.
“Confronting a friend who hurt you will not be easy,” notes Dr. Nereida Gonzalez-Berrios, a board-certified psychiatrist in Texas. “The confrontation needs to be planned, so any overwhelming feelings don’t make the process difficult to restore.”
Gonzalez-Berrios recommends the following steps:
- Prepare yourself for what you want to talk about.
- Stay composed while you explain how they hurt you.
- Let your friend give a viable explanation — and listen.
- Avoid arguing, but be assertive with your point of view.
- Be clear about your boundaries in the relationship.
“Be honest about your feelings and use ‘I’ statements to express yourself,” suggests Hong. “For example, ‘I felt disrespected when you raised your voice at me in front of others.
”’
From there, Hong suggests you try to explain how you would like the situation to be handled differently in the future. “For example, ‘In the future, I would appreciate it if you would talk with me privately if you’re upset with me instead of yelling at me in front of others.'”
It’s also critical that you give your friend a chance to respond. “Your friend may not have realized their actions were hurtful, so this is an opportunity for them to understand your perspective,” says Hong.
And while confrontation may feel intimidating, Beauchamp reminds us that giving honest feedback is sometimes the most loving thing you can do.”
“To reconcile a friendship, be honest, communicate, and create a path forward together,” says Beauchamp.
It’s also important to let go of resentment. “Holding onto anger and resentment will only damage your mental health and prevent you from moving on,” explains Hong. “Try to let go of negative feelings and focus on the positive aspects of your friendship.
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“You can also forgive and then steer clear of them in the future if you feel it’s in your best interest,” says Hong. “In fact, mental health experts recommend forgiving those who have hurt you to improve your mental health and well-being.”
Remember that when healing a friendship, you also need to heal yourself. Beauchamp suggests turning to tools such as meditation, breathwork, and journaling to help you process any complex emotions.
You also don’t have to heal alone. “If you’re feeling particularly overwhelmed, don’t hesitate to reach out to [another] trusted friend or family member for support,” says Hong. “Seeking mental health assistance can also help you process your emotions and develop healthy coping mechanisms.”
Forgiving a friend won’t always be easy, and it may take some time for things to return to normal.
Still, forgiveness and healing are possible if both you and your friend are willing to work on the relationship. And either way, your mental health will thank you for practicing forgiveness.
“Friendships are like all other relationships, there are stages and phases, and things change. And that’s okay,” says Beauchamp. In fact, things may change for the better, even if it’s not in a way you expected.
13 Times You Should Not Forgive Your BFF
Best friends can be like our soul mates. We share our lives with them, our hopes and dreams. It might seem like our best friend can do no wrong, but sometimes it is them who becomes our worst enemy. Many of us have sometimes forgiven our best friend for things that can be unforgivable. We can come to believe that it is through forgiving that we forge a long-lasting friendship, but in many cases it is just holding on to a memory that has become toxic in our lives.
There’s nothing wrong with forgiving, but we still have to realize that there are things and actions that deserve us to break up the friendship for our own benefit. Maybe you have that best friend that has done something pretty nasty to you and you are probably wondering, “Should I forgive her?” Well… this list is to guide you through things that you should never forgive.
It’s not that I’m trying to spread hate and resentment. It’s about standing up for yourself and breaking apart from a relationship that could be hurting you. That’s why it’s important for you to read this list and find out when your BFF doesn’t deserve your forgiveness.
13 She Got Way Too Close To Your Man
You’ve been noticing for some time that your best friend has a crush on your man. You sense it, you know something is wrong and then you find out that she kissed him, or even dared to sleep with him. This is an action that does not deserve forgiveness. She might come crying and begging for you to forgive her and you might feel tempted to do so, because she swears on her dog’s grave that she’ll never ever do it again.
If she had the nerve to do it once then it’s very likely she’ll have the nerve to do it again and like the saying goes, “Trick me once shame on you, trick me twice shame on me”.
12 She Spread Gossip About You
If she’s talking crap about you then it means she’s not really your friend, she’s a wolf pretending to be your friend.
This is a good reason why your best friend doesn’t deserve your forgiveness because we’re not talking about a friend but about an enemy who is probably jealous of you and is trying to destroy you. A best friend would stop other people from gossiping about you while a frenemy would spread the gossip like to bring you down.
There really is no excuse for her to be doing this, so whatever reason she gives you for spreading gossip you should let it fall on deaf ears, because she’s just trying to win your trust so she can keep bringing you down.
11 She Revealed Secrets You Told Her
This is a HUGE breach of trust. If you told her something in ultra secrecy and she revealed that secret then watch out! Because it means that there is no trust and if there’s no trust then how can there be a healthy relationship. Of course there are exceptions that should be taken into account, if she revealed something for the sake of your safety and well being then she deserves forgiveness, like if she tells your parents you have an eating disorder.
But if she revealed a secret for the sole purpose of having something to talk about with other people or to hurt you then walk away and never speak to her again.
10 She Makes You Feel Bad About Yourself
The world is a harsh place as it is. The last thing you need in this world is having your best friend making you feel horrible about yourself. Honesty is one thing but being cruel is something else. If your best friend makes comments that make you feel bad about yourself then you certainly don’t need to be hanging out with her. Best friends are supposed to lift your spirits and show you what an amazing person you are, not do the opposite. This definitely doesn’t deserve forgiveness.
9 She Lies To You All The Time
It hasn’t happened just once and it wasn’t a little lie like: “Oops I didn’t pick up your call because I was in the shower” when in reality she didn’t pick up because she was getting it on with her man. We’re talking about constant, hurtful lies that make you doubt your own sanity, wondering if what comes out of her mouth is actually true.
If you constantly catch her lying to you and this harms you in any way then you don’t have to forgive her, especially if she keeps doing it in spite of your awareness of her lying. You need to be able to trust your best friend instead of doubting her.
8 She Creates Drama Between You And Other People
She plans nasty little schemes to create drama in your life, be it with your friends, boyfriend, parents or other people. For some reason every time there’s drama it’s because she’s involved in some way or another. She could do it by gossiping or creating carefully planned-out projects that create a storm in your life. You might not know the reason why she’s doing it; she could very likely be jealous of you and wants to ruin your life to see you suffer. Whatever her reasons for creating drama in your life, you need to break ties with her and never forgive her for it.
7 She's Hiding A Secret Agenda
She claims to be your best friend but she actually has a secret agenda.
Your boyfriend dumps you because of something she did or said. Your other friends hate you because of her. For some reason when things fall apart in your life, her name is written all over it. Even if she holds your head while you’re crying, don’t fall for it! She has a secret agenda and that is to bring you down. You need to part from her so you can enjoy a happy life surrounded by people who actually care about you.
6 She Purposefully Embarrassed You In Front Of Other People
It’s normal for best friends to pull pranks on each other that can be embarrassing, we’ve all done it with our best friend. But we’re not talking about fun times here, we’re talking about the real cruel and vicious actions that she did that left you red faced and angry, like revealing how many men you’ve slept with in front of your boyfriend’s parents or posting that extremely private photo of you on social media. A million things come to mind, but you probably know what I’m talking about, something actually mean that you keep wondering how could she possibly dare to do it.
5 She’s Mean To Your Children
This is a big NO! No forgiveness here. Even if your best friend doesn’t like children she will never have the right to be mean to your kids. Don’t ever forgive this. It is the base of human civility to at least be kind to children. Even if they’re little monsters, she doesn’t have to be mean to them and you definitely don’t have to put up with it nor forgive it.
4 She Steals From You
I’m not talking about the pair of shoes you lent her and that she never returned. I’m talking about actual stealing here, like going into your closet and stealing that nice watch or those pair of diamond earrings. You feel like every time she goes to your house something is missing and you keep forgiving her because your friendship is more important than material possessions. NO! It’s not about material possessions; it’s about your friend abusing your trust and kindness. You shouldn’t forgive her and you should call the cops.
3 It’s Always All About Her And Never About You
Your dog just died and she’s too busy talking about the new pair of shoes she bought.
It doesn’t matter how much trouble you have going on in your life, she’s simply not interested in supporting you or lending a helping hand. It’s always about her for one reason or another and you feel as if your life matters less than hers. NO!! Don’t put up with it and don’t forgive her for it.
2 She’s Vicious
She’s really mean and cruel to everyone around her. You know all the wicked and evil things she’s done and you feel lucky you’re on her good side. Being cruel and mean to other people is something that should not be forgiven, because it means that they simply don’t care about the well being of others and sooner or later it she'll turn on you. This type of evil behavior rarely stays limited to some people, it generally catches up to the people they even claim to love.
1 She’s Constantly Criticizing You
It doesn’t matter what you do, she always has something negative to say about it. Her opinion is so loud that she manages to darken your biggest victory.
You feel like you need to be constantly on watch about what you wear, say and do because you feel subconsciously scared that she’ll criticize you.
This doesn’t need your forgiveness nor your tolerance. Friendship is about being supportive, and of course it is about speaking the truth but not about criticizing your best friend and minimizing everything that she does.
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How to learn to forgive people and let go of grievances. Do you need to forgive?
Have you ever been hurt so badly that you swore you would never forgive that person? Maybe you have been insulted in such a terrible and disgusting way that the very thought of forgiveness seems incredible? Is it necessary to forgive the offender in order to stop suffering yourself? Or can't you let the ill-wisher get away with it?
What is forgiveness?
- Forgiveness does not mean admitting that the actions against you were acceptable.
Forgiveness is not the same as reconciliation.
- Forgiveness is not a step you take to avoid the consequences of a conflict.
- Forgiveness should not be only in words.
- Forgiveness is not something that someone else can force you to do.
Forgiving is not the same as forgetting. You may never forget what happened to you. Just because you have forgiven someone does not mean that you have forgotten what happened.
- Forgiveness has nothing to do with justice.
If you are thinking about forgiving the person you are offended with, know:
- Forgiveness brings healing to the person who forgives.
Forgiveness is a process similar to the process of experiencing grief.
- By forgiving, you give up your right to demand payment from the other person for the pain that he caused you.
What prevents us from forgiving? We believe that it is unfair to ignore the fact that someone offended us. Victims want to protect themselves and vent their anger. They feel the need to be angry. They are afraid to give it up and “let go” of the situation. They see no point in forgiving the person who has deeply offended them.
Meanwhile, there are many benefits to forgiveness, and the main one is freedom.
You waive your right to damages. To forgive means to give yourself freedom - the freedom to throw resentment and anger out of your head.
How to learn to forgive?
1. Analyze the damage caused to you. Don't rationalize or minimize its impact on your life. Make a detailed list of everything the abuser did to you and what wounds he inflicted on you. Face the truth.
2. Describe the emotions that accompanied the offense and their impact on your life. Be ready to openly admit your anger, hatred, humiliation, shame, and any other feelings that you have experienced. Write down your emotions. Talk about them. Shout them out while sitting in your car if that helps you.
Journaling is a good way to process emotions, as well as speaking or non-violent expressions. Look for ways to release negative feelings.
3. Give up the desire to permanently place the responsibility on the offender.
It is one thing to prosecute a criminal or hold an offender accountable for the consequences of his actions, which is fair. But to expect the abuser to be responsible to you forever is to give up your own life.
4. Let go. Unclench your palms and let your offender go. Stop demanding that he change. Stop needing him. Stop nursing your wounds. Forgiveness stops the fast lane of negativity in your mind. You no longer need to remember and replay in your brain all the insults and insults inflicted on you, again and again. Your offender no longer occupies your thoughts. You no longer have to assume the worst or try to get into his schemes because you let him go. You give yourself the opportunity to live freely.
Want to learn to forgive ? Come to Promo for the training "Context" resentment in relationships
How to ask for forgiveness? What if there is no strength to forgive? A priest and a psychologist answer
On February 26, Forgiveness Sunday will come for Orthodox Christians.
Is it possible to ask for forgiveness by mailing in the messenger? What to do if there is no strength to forgive? TASS questions were answered by a priest, chairman of the Information Commission of the Moscow diocese of the Russian Orthodox Church, Alexander Volkov, and a psychologist, psychotherapist, director of the HSE Center for Psychological Counseling, Irina Makarova.
Priest: According to Christian teaching, forgiveness is the basis of communication between God and man. A person who has violated the law given to him by God asks Him for forgiveness - and through this forgiveness he returns to Him. And in relations between people, in the Christian worldview, it should be the same.
Forgiveness returns a person to the correct initial state. He realizes the guilt - and it is released to him. This restores the right relationship between people. And as a result, it gives mental and spiritual relief.
Psychologist: If a person voluntarily or involuntarily caused harm to someone and realizes it, regrets it, then tension arises in him.
And it is important not to preserve this tension and not to leave it hanging between yourself and another person, but to release it from yourself. This will help to strengthen the contact, and will give liberation. But it is important to apologize if the person really feels guilty.
Priest: Expecting the other to realize something and ask for forgiveness is not quite a Christian approach. After all, the person who offended is not always fully aware of it. And resentment, which seems significant to us, may not be a problem for another person at all.
But generosity, mercy and indulgence are probably some of the noblest feelings we have. Forgiveness is possible even when we have not been asked for forgiveness.
And when we find the strength in ourselves not just to do it in words, but to truly accept a person, this takes relationships to a completely different level. Yes, there are circumstances in which forgiveness is difficult or even impossible, because the offense was extraordinary.
But Christianity teaches us to forgive even in the most difficult situations. This is not a momentary action - it can take many years.
Psychologist: If someone's action makes a person feel "it's unfair, I didn't deserve it, I shouldn't be treated like that" — it's unpleasant. Especially if the situation was not completely clear and gave rise to many different fantasies about why they did this to him. And when they sincerely say “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean something bad, I repent” - this restores balance and the feeling of injustice goes away. This is also a certain liberation. What is important is not the fact that he is asked for forgiveness, but the desire of the other person to keep in touch.
Priest: It is hard for any person to both forgive and ask for forgiveness. And for that, and for another it is necessary to step over the pride, the vanity. You need to find the strength to humble yourself and admit your mistakes. And a person most often does not want to admit mistakes - he wants the conflict to be resolved just like that, without his efforts.
But it will be superficial, hypocritical and not real.
It is easy to ask for forgiveness for someone who has inner strength for it, and for someone who admits that he could make a mistake. If a person does not have the strength for this, then he still has to do inner work in order to overcome himself and his egoism.
When a person now and then asks everyone for forgiveness out of habit or "just in case", it turns out to be very superficial. Such a person is probably trying to sweep the rubbish under the carpet and pretend that everything is fine, and not ask for forgiveness deeply and truly. This is a manifestation of hypocrisy.
Psychologist: Sincerely asking for forgiveness is not easy, because this is preceded by complex inner work.
If it is humiliating for a person to ask for forgiveness, most likely he cannot separate himself from his actions. And then to apologize means to admit that you are bad. Most likely, some story from childhood is connected with this.
For example, parents said: "Stand in a corner, realize, then come up to me and ask for forgiveness." And when he was punished, they no longer accused him of a misdemeanor, but of the fact that he himself was bad, since he had done such a thing. And it was very humiliating. Then apologizing for a person can be associated with the feeling that he is now being broken.
For someone, saying "I'm sorry" is like sneezing. It just crashes automatically. And perhaps this devalues the word itself. But if a person constantly apologizes because he really always feels guilty, then it is most likely hard for him to live with such a burden. I think this is a reason to turn to a psychologist.
Priest: We live in a multicultural, multireligious space, and the traditions of church life are already in wide use. For many, asking for forgiveness on this day is just a ritual, like swimming in an ice hole at the Epiphany of the Lord or consecrating Easter cakes. There is nothing wrong with this, because for any person to ask for forgiveness is a good deed.
And if in this way he manages to fix something in his life or in the lives of others, that's great.
But this is still a rather superficial attitude. You should not think that for a person living outside the Christian tradition, Forgiveness Sunday will be the same as it is for us Christians.
Psychologist: When there is a special day in the year on which we can "legally" ask for forgiveness, for many it becomes just a ritual. Something simplistic, something formal. But sometimes I see people apologize sincerely on Forgiveness Sunday. They prepare for this, worry and ask for forgiveness not from everyone in a row, but from those closest to them. Those who are so close that we do not even notice when we hurt them.
Why do non-Christians and unchurched people often do this? You see, "Christian", "churched" is something external. But there is also an inner sense of self. It's good when it matches, but it's not always the case. It seems to me that those who ask for forgiveness on this day are, first of all, people who feel.
Including those who feel faith within themselves, regardless of their attitude to the church.
Priest: Any kind of fan mailing - congratulations on March 8 or Happy New Year, requests for forgiveness, whatever - this is something very artificial. This is just a manifestation of mass culture, mass consciousness, it makes no sense. Why ask for forgiveness from people you see once a year? But to say "I'm sorry" to your parents, children or close colleagues on this day, you need an effort. But this will be the real step towards recreating the right relationship.
It is often difficult for us to ask for forgiveness face to face and writing in a messenger can be psychologically easier. I think in some situations it's better than nothing. If it is very difficult to talk in person, then the message is also a small step towards correcting the situation. But it's still a bit of a change. Only looking into each other's eyes, you can truly ask for forgiveness and forgive.
Only in a look or a touch can one feel the intention to step over some situations and move on hand in hand.
Psychologist: It seems to me that different people can put different goals and meanings into such things. Someone just thinks: "Well, you need to make some kind of content. On March 8 - I will congratulate all women, Lumberjack Day - I will appeal to all lumberjacks, Forgiveness Sunday - I will ask everyone for forgiveness." And someone can write a post "forgive me for everything" really with some kind of internal message.
And when people send postcards in instant messengers, and there is also a note "forwarded message" ... It seems to me that for them this is just a way of responding: "They sent me - I forwarded it." They don't think about it. According to my personal observations, most often this is done by older people. I think this is purely technical ignorance. A good picture comes, it says - "Forgiveness Sunday." They think - why not share this picture and words with their loved ones.
I know some people find this annoying, angry and offended. Well, you can probably block such a subscriber.
Priest: It's not what you say, it's how you say it. It can be just the phrase "forgive me", without details, but said from the heart. Indeed, sincerity is often lost behind a large number of words.
Psychologist: This is definitely not something that is done according to a template, algorithm or checklist: here you need to shed a tear, then say that I will compensate for the damage. It is important that this be done in your own words, personally. Let it be illogical, vague and awkward. The main thing is to be sincere.
Priest: "God will forgive" is just a common word. They are wonderful, but we cannot think that one wording will make forgiveness happen and another won't. What is important is not the words that you utter, but a sincere willingness to accept a person and step over resentment.
If you understand that you cannot forgive, it is more honest and correct to say to the person: "I am not yet ready to accept you as you are, I do not have the strength for this.
If I have the strength, I will try to change my attitude towards you." And if you strive for peace within yourself, then you really need to look for the strength in yourself to forgive.
To say "God will forgive" in such a situation is somewhat hypocritical. The meaning of this formulation is not that we want God to forgive the person instead of us. It is that we ask God to forgive this person. That is, it could sound like this: "I wish God would forgive you." And if I'm not ready to do it myself, I'm hardly ready to ask God for it.
Psychologist: Psychologists have no understanding of right and wrong. Answer sincerely, the way you feel.
If you are asked for forgiveness, but not in the way you want, ask yourself: "What do I need? Just an apology, air vibrations or something else?" It is quite possible that parent-child stories will come out again. Maybe what you really want is for a parent to come and say: "I'm bad, I'm to blame, everything will be your way.
