Should i end this relationship
9 Signs It's Time To End Your Relationship, From A Therapist
You talk about the relationship improving in some hypothetical future.
In other words, you're convinced the relationship will be better "when." Some examples:
- I know he'll appreciate me more when his friends get married.
- She'll be more supportive of my anxiety disorder when we've finished school.
- We'll feel more connected when we move in together.
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Many people believe their partners will change—for example, become more committed, understanding, or affectionate—when they hit a milestone or when some external stressor is reduced. This can happen sometimes, but it's not a guarantee. If you knew they'd never change, would you still be in it for the long haul?
Base your desire to be in your relationship on your present experience, not on some future idea of what you want it to be. Don't let fantasy bonds keep you in a relationship that's going nowhere.
You're feeling pressured to change, and it makes you feel less worthy as a result.
It's one thing for your partner to ask you to stop putting so much garlic in the salad dressing. It's another thing for them to ask you to lose 20 pounds or get a better job. You want to feel loved by your partner unconditionally. If they want you to change, it's likely a projection of their own insecurity. Tell them to connect with a counselor and let you keep being you.
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You feel loved and supported...but only when you're happy.
Many of us feel loved and supported in our relationships when we're feeling happy, confident, and comfortable. But what happens when we're having a "low" day, when we're mega-stressed at work, when we're bedridden with the stomach flu, or when we're in the grips of anxiety? What happens when we lose someone we love, get laid off at work, or get a diagnosis that turns our world upside down?
When we feel pressured to maintain a certain emotional equilibrium around our partners, we breed secondary emotions—guilt, shame, and anxiety—for experiencing anything other than happiness and calm. Inevitably, life will throw more things than just happiness and calm your way, so it's important to feel safe feeling those less comfortable emotions in the presence of your partner.
You feel negative around your partner, regularly.
You feel disrespected, underappreciated, frustrated, hurt, insignificant, lonely, invalidated, ashamed, or guilty on a regular basis. And you rarely hear "I'm sorry."
Sure, "regular basis" is a time frame for you to define. Some people would say it's never OK to be made to feel such things in a relationship, but hey, we're all humans, and we all say hurtful or unsupportive things from time to time. If your partner messes up occasionally and responds with remorse, that might not be a reason to call it quits. However, if the above feelings are common ones, it's time to end the relationship.
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Getting your partner to spend time with your friends and family is weirdly difficult.
Do you dread telling your partner about your sister-in-law's dinner invitation? Does attending your best friend's birthday party go into hours of negotiations? Do your co-workers sometimes question whether your partner, in fact, exists? By asking your partner to hang out with your friends or family, do you feel like you're asking them to hand over all their possessions and move to the Arctic?
Your better half doesn't have to love every member of your family and every one of your friends, but it is important that they're willing to embark on significant other duties without (much) protest. You, of course, do the same, right?
You feel needy or unreasonable every time you express a need.
When you express a need, you can't help but feel crazy, needy, dramatic, high-maintenance, or unreasonable. Much of the time, you even end up apologizing for it.
Look, we all have our "crazy" moments, and we ought to respect that our partners have theirs. We're all imperfect, and some emotions like jealousy, insecurity, anger, and what-have-you can trigger intensely defensive behavior or outsized reactions.
But if you've lost the ability to clearly see that your needs are warranted and deserving of airtime, that's a huge red flag. You deserve to be able to ask for things or express your emotions without being made to feel like you're "crazy." If you don't go, your self-esteem will. (Making you feel like you're being overly sensitive or "crazy" is a classic gaslighting tactic, by the way.)
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You only feel secure in the relationship when you're physically together.
You should feel happy and secure when you're together, when you're apart, when your partner is out drinking without you, and in any other scenario really. If you feel largely abandoned or unsure when you're not physically together or communicating digitally, that's a sign that your relationship is not as supportive or healthy as it should be.
Now, it should be noted that insecurity in the pockets between texting, calling, and being together could also be an indicator of insecure attachment—something that's best explored further with your therapist. It's not your partner's responsibility to heal those wounds (at least entirely). If this sounds like it might be an issue for you, I do encourage you to learn more about your attachment style and connect with a mental health professional.
However, for those of us who developed "attachment issues" somewhere along the way, we tend to seek out relationships that mirror those early attachment relationships. And so, we might be maintaining a less than optimal relationship with our partner because it's what we know and not because it's what's healthy. The right partner will be supporting you as you work through your attachment issues, not stoking them or making you feel guilty about them.
You feel "hidden" by your partner.
Has it been seven months and you haven't met their parents, who live just three blocks away? Has your partner never posted a photo of you on Instagram or invited you to their office party?
Depending on the circumstances, keeping things quiet initially can add to the excitement, but there comes a point when being their "little secret" is more degrading than anything else. You deserve to know your partner is proud of you and committed to the relationship.
You're a markedly different person around your partner.
Many people find their "better half" makes them "a better person." This shouldn't be a red flag—learning from and being inspired by our partners is one of the wonderful perks of being in a relationship. But many of us have that friend (or are that person) who acts completely different when they're around their partner. Maybe we seem more enthusiastic, easygoing, or pretentious. If you feel like you're playing a part, behaving and responding based on how you think you should rather than authentically, you might want to reassess what's going on. If you're not able to be authentically yourself around your partner, flaws and bad moods and all, it might not be the right relationship for you.
If one or more of these signs resonated with you, investigate your thoughts and feelings further. Connect with a therapist, confide in a friend, or journal about your experience. The answer should come to you, and when you're ready, you'll be able to decide once and for all if you should stay together, take a break, or do the deed and break up with your partner.
Signs It’s Time To End Your Relationship
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Thinking about ending a relationship is never simple, especially when you have years invested in your partner. It's so easy to make excuses for the person you're dating, to convince yourself to stay with them even if you know, deep down, that it's not working out. No one actually wants to go through a breakup—it's painful, it takes a long time to recover, and the process can make anyone feel just plain lonely.
But if your relationship isn't in a good place, going through a breakup may be necessary. No one deserves to stay with someone who isn't treating them right or making them happy. Sometimes it's not even about the other person's action, but how you really feel. Here are some signs it's time to call it quits.
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1 of 15
You're not getting what you want.
Even in a great relationship, you're not always going to get your way. But when it comes to the big stuff, you should be getting what you want out of your partner. For example: if your emotional needs are never getting met, that's a problem. If you want to get married eventually, but you're dating someone who doesn't share the same desire, that's an issue. If you want kids and they don't, you may not be compatible. You have to consider your greatest needs and wants, and really think about whether this person can fulfill that for you. If your partner refuses to compromise or even try to understand your point of view, then things aren't working—and they probably never will.
2 of 15
You're turning to someone else to get what you need.
There's a problem when you consistently look to someone else who isn't your partner to get certain needs met. And we're not just talking about physical cheating (although that counts, of course). Do you always vent about your day to someone else because your partner doesn't want to hear about it? Do you find yourself getting into deep talks with other people because you can't communicate with your husband?
Basically, if you're going outside of your relationship to feel fulfilled or heard on a regular basis, that's a sign that things just aren't where they should be.
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3 of 15
Your partner doesn’t show interest in your life.
This doesn't just mean your partner gets bored when you're talking about work or your friends. If asking them to come to family events or a friend's party feels like pulling teeth, there may be something else going on. A partner doesn't have to show up to everything you're invited to or involved in, but they should absolutely be making an effort to participate in things that are important to you. It's a red flag if you're basically always begging them to get involved with your interests.
4 of 15
Your partner never includes you in anything.
If it's been a few months of dating and you feel like you know almost nothing about your partner's life, but you were under the impression that you were in a committed relationship, something's off. Your partner should be inviting you to hang with their friends, meet their family, and come to events to introduce you to their world. If things feel secretive, maybe there's a reason for that.
5 of 15
You’re afraid to be honest with your partner.
Ideally, you want to feel totally comfortable around your partner, enough to discuss what you want and to ask for it when you're not getting it. If the thought of discussing this type of thing with your partner fills you with dread, that's the opposite of what you want. Do you worry that your partner is going to think you're "crazy" or overly emotional if you ask for specific things? Do you feel like you can't discuss your true feelings with them? If so, it's time to reconsider things.
6 of 15
There's no trust, on one side or both.
You've probably heard this before, but trust is truly essential when it comes to a relationship. If you feel like you can't trust your partner or they feel like they can't trust you, things are never going to work out. Of course, a certain amount of jealousy and uncertainty is normal in the beginning of a relationship. But once things become more established and you've been together for a while, that trust should be there.
If you're constantly wondering what they're doing when you're not around or they're always questioning you about things, then you have to wonder what you're doing together.
7 of 15
You think things will get better if “XXX” happens.
Consider if these situations sounds familiar: you and your partner are having a lot of problems. You're not happy and it feels like your needs aren't being met or you just aren't on the same page. Instead of thinking, "maybe this isn't working," you think, "Things will get better once we move in together" or "Everything will be fine once they get this new job" or "Things will be better when we have a kid."
The truth is, if things haven't been getting better and you're not actively working to make them better, they probably won't improve just because of a life change. In fact, that life change just might make things worse.
8 of 15
Your partner is abusive.
No amount of physical or emotional abuse is ever okay, and it shouldn't be tolerated. It doesn't matter if your partner's abuse is verbal, physical, or emotional, and it doesn't matter how you got there—you deserve better. Your partner should not be regularly talking down to you, calling you names, making you feel terrible and worthless, or making you feel scared. If they ever threaten or attempt harm against you, it's crucial to get out. Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or 1-800-787-3224 (TTY).
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9 of 15
Your main reason for staying is that you’ve invested a lot of time in the relationship.
Do thoughts of breaking up cross your mind regularly? When it does, what are your reasons for staying in the relationship? If it's mainly, "I've already invested so much time in this person," or "I've wasted so much time—if we break up, I'll never find anyone else," or "I'll never make my timeline of when I want to get married/have kids if I have to start over," then guess what? You probably need to end it. Don't settle for the wrong person because of self doubt or social pressures.
10 of 15
No one supports your relationship.
Generally, you and your partner know your relationship best and you shouldn't rely on what others think when making decisions. But there is an exception: if literally all of your friends and family disapprove of your partner, their opinions might be worth listening to. One or two people may not mean anything, but if everyone seems less than thrilled with your relationship, then there's a good chance there's a legitimate reason behind that.
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11 of 15
The resentment between you never seems to go away.
Building resentment between two people can quickly make a relationship feel toxic and terrible. Are you always mad at your partner for little annoying things they may do? Do their habits grate on you? Are you holding a grudge? Do they constantly seem aggravated with you as well? These could be signs that you're, well, kind of sick of each other. Or there's a larger, underlying issue that needs to be addressed before you can move forward in a healthy way.
12 of 15
You don't share the same values.
If you don't already know, it's time to figure out where you both stand on the big issues. Do you both agree on things like marriage, kids, where you want to live, and how you want to spend money? If there are fundamental disagreements there, that's going to be a big issue later on, if it isn't already. No matter how fun someone is, if they don't want children and that's your dream, someone is going to be left feeling unfulfilled.
13 of 15
You regularly feel disrespected.
Sometimes what your partner may be doing to you doesn't feel quite like verbal abuse, it just... doesn't feel good. Maybe they say they'll show up to events and then ditch you at the last minute. Maybe they make fun of you when you get upset about something that's really bothering you, or they roll your eyes when you bring up your concerns about them. Little things that leave you feeling disrespected and beneath them are not okay and could be a sign that you're just not meshing.
14 of 15
You feel cut off from other people in your life.
Your partner might be the most important person in your life, but they shouldn't be the only person in your life. Think about it: when was the last time you hung out with friends? When was the last time you spent time with family? If you feel like you're cut off from everyone in your life, you could be in a controlling relationship that needs to end.
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15 of 15
You're just not happy anymore.
It sounds obvious, doesn't it? If you're not happy, you would know it, and you would know it's time to end it. But that's not always the case. You may be making excuses as to why you're unhappy, or you might be refusing to acknowledge it. Really think about whether you're unhappy and why, and if it doesn't feel like a problem that can be fixed, then it's time to break things off and take some time to find fulfillment in your life as an individual before committing to another person.
20 signs that it's time to end a relationship
Relationship crisis Man and woman
When we fall in love, we often lose ourselves, dissolving in a partner. It should be remembered that it is possible and necessary to show love for another without giving up oneself. Check if any of these signs are in your relationship. If yes, then it means only one thing - it's time to pack your things and leave.
1. You began to doubt your own worth. This feeling should not be, because a loving partner will keep you feeling that you are the best.
2. Your partner often blames you for something. If he considers you the root cause of any problems in relationships and in his life in general, this only says one thing - he is not able to admit and take responsibility for his own mistakes. You do not have to forever play the role of the guilty and correct them for him.
3. You constantly quarrel. Of course, conflicts can also arise in happy relationships. But if the fighting doesn't stop even for a day, think what are the chances that you will actually be happy in the future. And in no case do not confuse scandals with passion.
4. You can't be yourself. You should not forbid yourself something so that your partner loves you. If he can't accept you for who you are, he probably doesn't deserve you.
5. You have to apologize for your partner. Protecting loved ones is natural and normal, but constantly coming up with excuses for their bad deeds is not.
6. You often wonder if your partner is angry with you. Anxiety about relationships is not good for anyone. If you are wondering, “Is he angry with me?”, “Well, what did I do wrong again?”, The relationship is far from healthy.
7. Relationships are bad for work. It is normal to maintain contact during the working day. It is not normal if the partner continues to write and call, knowing that you are busy or sitting in an important meeting.
8. Relatives think that you have become unlike yourself. Relatives and friends notice changes in us faster than we ourselves. And if everyone says that you are not changing for the better, you need to think about it. Perhaps the reason for the change is in your partner.
9. There is no trust in relationships. And it doesn't matter which of you doesn't trust whom. Lack of trust will ruin any relationship.
10. The thought of parting brings relief. Of course, everyone sometimes wants to be alone or spend time with friends. But if you are better off without a partner than with him, then parting will be the right choice.
11. You don't feel safe. It doesn't matter if this feeling is constant or only a couple of times. In a relationship, you should never feel threatened.
12. You are a bad influence on each other. In a worthwhile relationship, partners inspire each other, help each other become the best version of themselves. If both of you (or one of you) click on the points that awaken a monster in the other, it is unlikely that something good will come of it.
13. You realize that you could be happier. The previous items may not apply to you. But if you feel that you are not very happy, or think that you deserve more, is it worth it to stay?
14. Your partner gives you ultimatums. For example, threatens to break up if you do not do something or, on the contrary, do it. This is primitive manipulation, which means that the partner is not confident in himself and is trying to control you.
15. Your partner's needs have become more important than yours. In a healthy relationship, the desires and needs of partners are of equal importance - a healthy relationship cannot revolve around one person. If a partner is not ready to compromise and take into account your desires, there is no question of equality and respect.
16. You are afraid to speak out loud. Because the partner will be offended, angry or leave you. But you have the right to say what you feel and what you want. And if fear stops you, think about whether you really want to be with such a person?
17. You have to ask permission. Taking into account the feelings and desires of a partner when making decisions is absolutely normal and even correct. But the partner cannot be the one who allows or forbids you something. The final decision should still be yours.
18. You stopped communicating with friends and family. Or they began to communicate with them less. If you invest all your time and energy in just one person, you will lose everyone who loves you.
19. Relationships are like swings . It's good, it's bad, it's great, it's disgusting. It may seem that this way you will never get bored, but in reality it will end in a “shaken” psyche or a nervous breakdown. Healthy relationships need stability, not jitters.
20. You feel stuck. If you are not leaving because you are afraid that you will be left alone or that you will not find someone better, then it is definitely time to leave. At least in order to work on self-esteem and develop self-love.
Text: Polina Franke Photo Source: Getty Images
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January 10, 2017Relationships
A happy ending is an obligatory attribute of children's fairy tales, but in life everything is much more prosaic. We often find ourselves hostage to our love stories. And you just have to learn how to end complex and difficult relationships on time with minimal losses for both partners.
In an episode of the cult relationship series Sex and the City, Carrie Bradshaw is suddenly dumped by one of her many men. No explanation, just a yellow apology sticker. Even if you have not watched this series and this is the first time you hear about Carrie, this story has an important message: leaving without explanation is bad (Brodsky's or Akhmatova's poems on the sticker still do not count).
Yes, sometimes it is necessary to end a relationship, and for both parties. This will not only help the one who decided to leave, but also give the second person a chance to free themselves from one-sided attachment in time and meet their true love.
Recognizing a problem is the first step to solving it.
Don't think that you are unique and the first to encounter a similar problem. From time to time, many of us find ourselves hostage to our own relationships. Ties begin to press like a heavy stone, do not allow you to breathe deeply. Sometimes you really want to get rid of this oppression in order to stop breaking the wings of yourself and your partner and finally start living alone.
And yes, there is nothing wrong with the fact that the startup of your love did not take off. Find the strength in yourself to recognize this in order to move on. In love, as in business, there are failures.
Of course, there are some signals that the Rubicon has been crossed and it is time to end the love story. Analyze your relationship, deal with yourself and your desires. And make a decision.
The longer we turn to memories and think about the past (that is, we think about what no longer exists and will not happen), the further we ourselves push back the real prospects for a happy future. Besides, if everything was really smooth and perfect in your relationship, you would hardly be reading this article now, right?
Don't delay: better now than later
The ideal moment for a breakup won't come, don't keep your hopes up. There is no right time for anything in life. If things are really bad, the rule works: "The sooner the better."
Give your partner the opportunity to meet a person who will truly love him.
Let's be honest: don't pull too hard. At stake are the chances of not becoming that “goat who sailed for years, but never married.” So don't let me down.
How not to do it
Real life story. I have a very smart and very beautiful girlfriend who for several years met with an equally smart and handsome guy. The guys could easily act in any American film about couples in love, where all the characters and, of course, their relationship is ideal.
One day this guy was going to his friend's house for a bachelor party. It wasn't a surprise and no one was against a weekend with friends.
The young man kissed his girlfriend before leaving and promised to miss him very much, and already from the taxi to the airport wrote to her to look in the closet for “something”. Nothing foreshadowed trouble, and the girl happily suggested that she had been given a nice surprise.
There really was a surprise. A discreet letter was waiting in the closet, in which the guy calmly announced that he had fallen out of love and it was over. He told the now ex-girlfriend to take out all the things before he returned. Well, yes, he already asked a friend to feed the cat.
This is a very cruel scenario for breaking up a relationship. You can't do that.
How best to talk about the decision to break up
It would seem that in a world where gadgets and social networks rule the ball, there are many good creative ways to end a relationship. Send an SMS with a sad emoticon or a sticker with a deep meaning in Telegram, change your Facebook* status from "In a relationship" to "Single", write an email with the subject "I'm leaving", after all! New realities and modern technologies really offer a wide range of contexts for human communication. But it's not that simple.
Researchers of modern communications believe that people choose different types of communication (phone, e-mail, Skype, and so on) depending on what emotions they want to convey at a particular moment.
Maybe there is some way to use technology to break up painlessly?
Can I limit myself to SMS?
No. No messenger can replace a live heart-to-heart conversation. Do not forget that emoticons and stickers in messages hide real people with real emotions, and the process of parting with you can be much more difficult for them than for you.
Respect the person you loved. Treat your partner with sympathy, if only out of a sense of gratitude for everything experienced together.
Remember: the more seriously a person took these relationships and the more he invested in them, the more difficult and painful it will be for him that everything is over, the more difficult it will be for him to recover.
Have the courage to look your partner in the eye and voice what is going on between you. Give thanks for everything that was.
Maybe not all is lost? After all, sometimes over the years of a relationship, feelings become a little dull and we sometimes forget how much we love someone.
In principle, there are two scenarios:
- You discuss problems and start doing something together to kindle an extinct fire.
- You act decisively and part ways.
Never humiliate anyone
Never go too far and do not insult. If at parting you say a bunch of nasty things to your girlfriend or young man, you will give rise to a bunch of complexes in her or him. And your life won't get any better. (By the way, if you do this, most likely you have complexes.)
Put all the blame on yourself. Like, honey, you are very good and generally beautiful, I’m just a complicated guy with my cockroaches and I will always be like that. Or say something about Prince Charming and your complex relationship with your own inner world.
Of course, we remember that in a problematic relationship, both partners are always to blame. But if you decide to leave when it's not expected at all, it's better to say that it's about you. So it will be easier for the partner to recover from parting, but do you remember that we are responsible for those we have tamed?
When leaving, leave
If you decide to leave, then do it irrevocably, once and for all. Don't give too much hope if you're just bored.
You don't have to write to your ex-girlfriend out of nowhere, if it suddenly seems to you that beautiful snow has fallen outside the window. You don’t need to send a photo of yourself in a swimsuit to an abandoned guy, because they suddenly remembered how they went to the sea together.
Leave him or her alone and give him a chance to live his life.
Constantly appearing in the life of a former partner, but at the same time not wanting to be with him, is extremely selfish and not very nice of you. Love can also be an addiction. Have you ever seen alcoholics advised to drink red wine once a week, or drug addicts to take small doses of coke?
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