Sabotaging relationships quiz

Self-Sabotage Quiz — The Ford Institute

1. How long have you been working on the same issues, be they in the area of your career, health, intimate relationships, or finances?
Less than 12 months
1-3 years
More than five years
More than ten years

2. In the past 12 months, how many times have you misplaced something important, gotten a traffic ticket, had an accident, or destroyed something of value?
None
Once or twice
More than five times
More than ten times

3. How often do you feel phony, inauthentic, or find that it takes a lot of effort to get people to perceive you in a certain way?
All the time
Occasionally
Almost never
Never

4. If your friends, co-workers and family members were interviewed, would they say that you complain...
Seldom to never
Maybe once a day
Frequently
All the time

5. In the past 12 months, how many times have you said something that you later regretted, whether immediately or over time?
None
Once or twice
More than five times
More than ten times

6. After you've achieved a personal goal - reached your desired weight, paid off your credit cards, organized your home or office, etc. - which of the following emotions are you more likely to experience?
Relieved that you made it but wary that you may backslide into old behaviors
Entitled - you deserve a reward for all your hard work!
Motivated by your success and committed to keeping up the good work
Resentful that you had to work so hard in the first place

7. How often do you notice yourself feeling inadequate, not good enough, unloved, or unworthy?
All the time
Occasionally
Almost never
Never

8. On a scale of 1-10, how willing are you to speak your truth, even if it runs contrary to the opinions of others?
8-10; I am very willing to speak my truth.
5-7; Most of the time I am willing to speak my truth.
3-5; I am occasionally willing to speak my truth.
1-2; I am almost never willing to speak my truth.

9. In your life right now, your primary focus is on...
Advancing your career, improving your health, building wealth, or deepening your relationships
Managing strained relationships or "putting out fires" at work and at home.
Making measurable progress toward your goals over a reasonable period of time.
Trying to avert or avoid immediate disaster in the area of your finances, relationships, health or career.

10. What percentage of the time can you count on yourself to keep your word and uphold your promises - whether to yourself or to another?
Less than 10%
Less than 25%
About half the time
Most of the time

11. How much time each day do you spend gossiping - whether talking about someone you know, reading tabloids or watching gossip TV?
None
Less than one hour a day
More than one hour a day
More than three hours a day

12. Which of the following statements would you use to describe your life?
Most of the time, things work out fairly easily for me.
I have many talents and gifts, but do not use them to their fullest potential.
I am riddled by bad luck and find myself in one bad situation after another.
I have to work hard just to maintain the status quo.

13. How many hours a day do you spend working toward your long-term goals?
None
Less than twenty minutes per day
An hour or more per day
You have no long-term goals

14. How frequently do you feel mistreated, misunderstood, or taken advantage of - in either your personal or professional life?
Every day
Frequently
Occasionally
Seldom to never

15. When asked to do something that you have no interest in doing, you are most likely to...
Say no with a clear conscience
Say no but feel guilty about it
Say yes but not follow through
Say yes but feel resentful about it

16. Imagine that your life is a house with many rooms. How many people do you allow to see all of your rooms?
Nobody
One significant person - a spouse, lover, best friend, parent, etc.
A small handful of people know me that well
There are many people in my life who know me that well

17. When you feel hurt by someone or something, what do you tend to do?
Keep it to yourself
Reflect, forgive, and move on
Confront the situation head-on
Talk about it to everyone but the person involved

18. When you get an impulse or an idea about how to improve some aspect of your life, you usually...
Ignore it completely
Take a few steps in the right direction but rarely see the project through to the finish line
Tell yourself that you'll "get to it one of these days"
Create a support structure around yourself to ensure that you take action.

19. The last time you found yourself with a block of unexpected free time, what did you do?
Squandered it by catalog shopping, watching TV or surfing the internet
Used the opportunity to move forward on an important project
Relaxed and rejuvenated yourself by taking a nap, meditating or reading
Your life is so hectic that you can't recall an occasion when you had an unexpected block of free time

20. When you make a mistake, are you more likely to...
Be gentle with yourself and resolve to do things differently in the future?
Put things in perspective by acknowledging yourself for what you did right?
Fall into a downward spiral of self-criticism?
Interpret your misstep as evidence that you are incompetent, and stop trying?

Quiz: Are You Sabotaging Your Love Life? - Consumer Health News

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You've found a terrific partner, someone who's sweet and fun and compassionate. It should be an ideal match. So why do you keep doing things that drive the two of you apart? Whether we realize it or not, many of us have become experts at undermining perfectly good relationships. Take this short quiz to find out how much you know about relationship sabotage.

1. Which of these can be considered an act of sabotage?

a. Always arriving late

b. Lying

c. Losing your temper

d. All of the above

2. Which of these emotions is most likely to drive a person to sabotage?

a. Fear of rejection

b. Hostility

c. Jealousy

d. Sadness

3. Which of these statements is true?

a. Sabotage is usually committed unconsciously.

b. Commitment-phobic men are by far the most common culprits.

c. Sabotage can be a good way to "test" a relationship.

d. All of the above

4. People who grow up in families where troubled relationships are the norm are likely to sabotage relationships. True or false?

____True

____False

5. If your romantic partner complains about some aspect of your behavior or personality, this automatically means:

a. Your partner is mean and negative.

b. You should counter-attack.

c. You should reject your partner before you get rejected.

d. None of the above.

e. All of the above.

6. Only someone with low self-esteem would destroy a good relationship. True or false?

____True

____False

7. Marriage is a sure sign that a couple has overcome their destructive tendencies. True or false?

____True

____False

8. If you still get along with them, a frank conversation with your exes can help you avoid future acts of sabotage. True or false?

____True

____False

9. A good therapist can help a person overcome destructive tendencies. True or false?

____True

____False

Answers

1. Which of these can be considered an act of sabotage?

The correct answer is: d. All of the above

Relationship saboteurs have many weapons at their disposal. They can lie, cheat, and break promises. They can also show up late for dates, make snide comments, or do any of a hundred other things that annoy their partners.

2. Which of these emotions is most likely to drive a person to sabotage?

The correct answer is: a. Fear of rejection

A fear of rejection drives most acts of sabotage. Whether they realize it or not, many people would rather kill a relationship quickly than risk greater heartache down the road. They start to alienate their partner, and their fear of rejection becomes a prophecy.

3. Which of these statements is true?

The correct answer is: a. Sabotage is usually committed unconsciously.

Few people destroy relationships on purpose. Most acts of sabotage are unintentional, and the results are unforeseen. It takes careful introspection -- and perhaps professional help -- to spot destructive patterns and stop the sabotage.

4. People who grow up in families where troubled relationships are the norm are more likely to sabotage relationships. True or false?

The correct answer is: True

People who grew up in dysfunctional homes are less likely to trust their relationships and more likely to sabotage them. However, even people from close, loving homes can develop a deep fear of rejection that sends them on a sabotage spree.

5. If your romantic partner complains about some aspect of your behavior or personality, this automatically means they are a) mean and negative; b) that you should counter-attack; c) that you should reject your partner before you get rejected; d) all of the above; or e) none of the above.

The correct answer is: e. None of the above.

If your partner criticizes you, try not to panic or overreact. It doesn't necessarily mean the relationship is in trouble. Responding to every passing problem with fear and alarm may be a sign of low self-esteem. Research from the University of Buffalo recently showed that people with low self-esteem tend to seek evidence that their partner is secretly dissatisfied with them, and when they do, they are quick to reject their partner or decide the relationship is falling apart. Researchers gave a group of participants false information -- that their partner was unhappy with aspects of their personality, and insinuated that the relationship was in serious trouble. People with low self-esteem agreed and began keeping the partner at a distance. On the other hand, people with high self-esteem kept their confidence in the relationship and even showed more esteem for their partner in response to the "threats" from the experimenters. The conclusion, according to the researchers: Low self-esteem can sabotage a relationship.

6. Only someone with low self-esteem would destroy a good relationship. True or false?

The correct answer is: False

Low self-esteem can make it easier to resort to sabotage, but it's definitely not a requirement. Even successful, confident people can undermine their personal relationships -- and they often do.

7. Marriage is a sure sign that a couple has overcome their destructive tendencies.

The correct answer is: False

Married people aren't immune to sabotage. They can still harbor deep-seated fears that ultimately drive them further apart. A husband may worry that his wife will leave him if she ever gets to know his "real" personality. A wife may worry that she'll be taken for granted. He stays emotionally distant, she withholds affection, and the partnership suffers.

8. If you still get along with them, a frank conversation with your exes can help you avoid future acts of sabotage. True or false?

The correct answer is: True

A careful examination of your past can help you identify your destructive behaviors. And, for better or worse, nobody knows more about your past relationships than your exes, especially those with whom you've remained friends. As difficult as it may be, consider calling them up and discussing what went wrong.

9. A good therapist can help a person overcome destructive tendencies. True or false?

The correct answer is: True

Many people can overcome their destructive tendencies on their own, but some need professional help. If you have trouble holding relationships together, a good therapist can help you overcome your fears and put an end to the sabotage.

-- Chris Woolston, M.S., is a health and medical writer with a master's degree in biology. He was a contributing editor at Consumer Health Interactive and a staff writer at Hippocrates, a magazine for physicians; he currently writes for the journal Nature. His reporting on occupational health for CHI earned him an award from the Northern California Society of Professional Journalists.

References

Interview with Sharlene Talbott, MSW, dating coach and relationship counselor. http://www.AssuredSuccess.com

Kal Heller, PhD. It's fear of intimacy, not lack of time.

Karen Nichols, PhD. Sabotaging intimacy. Murray, S. et al. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology; 83:556-573.

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What is self-sabotage (imposter syndrome)? Quiz

What is sabotage and how does it undermine millions every year?

Self-sabotage is more common than we think. Abraham Lincoln, Fred Rogers, Michelangelo, John F. Kennedy, and George Washington all experienced some aspect of sabotage before they made history. Self-sabotage occurs when we destroy ourselves physically, mentally, or emotionally, or deliberately hinder our own success and well-being by undermining personal goals and values. It is "insidious, profound and universal" and comes from negative thinking. Self-sabotage, also known as behavioral dysregulation, can be:

- conscious;

An example of deliberate sabotage is the decision to eat cake despite the goal of eating healthy.

- unconscious.

Unconscious sabotage occurs when a personal goal or value has been undermined but not recognized in the first place.

Another dimension of sabotage is cognitive dissonance. Cognitive dissonance is an internal imbalance or discomfort experienced when words or actions are inconsistent with beliefs and values. When this happens, we try to alleviate the discomfort by changing our words or behavior, or by redefining our goals and values. It seems unlikely that anyone is deliberately sabotaging themselves, but they do, and the consequences can be enormous. Chronic sabotage drains drive and motivation and leaves us sad, anxious and eroding our self-esteem.

Self-sabotaging behavior

People from all walks of life sabotage themselves by letting negative thoughts run amok, and this is just the tip of the notorious iceberg. Perfectionism and impostor syndrome are also forms of sabotage. The test will help determine the impostor syndrome. An insidious and pervasive form of sabotage is mindless distractions that get in the way of achieving a goal. Some mindless distractions include watching TV, surfing the internet, browsing social media, video game obsession, and online shopping. Self-sabotage is rooted in counterproductive thinking, including:

negative;
disorganization;
indecision;
negative self-talk.

In addition to counterproductive thinking, we practice counterproductive or destructive behavior. Some common behaviors include overeating, excessive drinking or drug addiction, pornography, smoking, gambling, self-harm, and overspending. Avoiding behaviors keeps us stuck in negative and self-destructive cycles. Common ways to avoid include procrastination, being chronically late, giving up when things go wrong, and not being assertive.

Rational fears are necessary for safety and survival. However, when fears become imbalanced, they prevent us from advancing in our careers and personal lives. Some common unfounded fears include fear of commitment, the unknown, change, failure, and loss of control.

Why do we sabotage ourselves? 5 Possible Reasons

No one deliberately decides to sabotage despite the temptation of chocolate cake on a diet. Why, then, do we sometimes chronically commit such destructive behavior? Research shows the following possible causes:

1. Approach-avoidance conflict.

The dynamic approach starts with setting goals that release dopamine. The avoidance dynamic is initiated by the avoidance of a threat, including physical and psychological threats or perceived threats such as change. Self-sabotage occurs when the desire to reduce threats outweighs the desire to achieve goals.

2. Simulation.

Self-sabotaging behavior may come from childhood patterns and patterns, including from parents who lacked the confidence to succeed. A parent who constantly warns a child to be careful on the playground can lead the child to perceive the world as unsafe and avoid exploration.

3. Rejection or neglect.

This can lead to low self-esteem and other negative things. This can force us to sabotage personal relationships in order to avoid further vulnerability and rejection.

4. Adaptation to non-adaptive behavior.

We adopt behavior that is initially thought to be coping adaptive, but the behavior can become maladaptive if it continues long after the test has passed.

5. Injury.

A child who is offended by any person, especially a gullible one, may view the world as unsafe and feel undeserving of good deeds in life, leading to self-sabotage.

Associated with Fear of Failure and Fear of Success

As we approach something we truly desire, insecurities and self-limiting beliefs often surface. Uncertainty comes from the inner critic who tells us that we cannot complete a certain task or that we are not good enough. These remnants of the past drain our self-confidence and force us to create dysfunctional habits that serve as a defense against the pain of failure. Sabotage also protects our inner self, which is secretly afraid of becoming powerful, power will change the world as we know it, and therefore a threat.

If sabotage is harmful, why repeat it? Simply put, what is rewarded is repeated. Sabotage fills some need or void. To stop the cycle of destructive behavior, we need to discover the void and explore new patterns of behavior.

Self-sabotage in relationships

The causes of relationship sabotage are complex, but understanding the causes of sabotage is the key to change. Relationship sabotage comes in many forms, including choosing incompatible partners, starting fights, and refusing to fully commit to a relationship. Other signs include unrealistic expectations, chronic distrust, self-silence and loss of self in a relationship. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is an effective strategy for dealing with relationship problems. Types of Signs of Relationship Sabotage:

Ignoring negative emotions.
Criticism of your partner.
Holding a grudge.
Direction of energy to things not related to relationships.
Emphasis on partner's shortcomings.

It is important to work through the past and work on healthy self-esteem, and it is also important to engage in open, honest communication with your partner.

Self-sabotage at work

Career sabotage includes:

Disorganization.
Indecision.
Perfectionism.
Procrastination.
Imposter Syndrome.

The origins of sabotage are rooted in emotional experiences, often from childhood, that affect our self-image.

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7 signs that indicate that it is time to end the relationship

Psychology

The candy-bouquet stage of any romance turns into the honeymoon stage until the degree of passion normalizes to a comfortable one. Then everything becomes familiar, but no less happy, but the longer you are together, the more ups and downs you will experience. And while these are all perfectly normal, it's important to be aware of some of the negatives in order to protect yourself from their toxic effects.

In a normal, healthy relationship, both you and he feel satisfied, confident, sincere with each other and, most importantly, you can be yourself. Accordingly, if you are unaware of the listed items - all or partly - this is a sign that your love boat has gone astray towards a joint future. It's time to save - relationships or yourself, until this novel poisoned your life or, what's good, destroyed your personality.

Below are seven signs that a relationship needs to be put on or out of detox, no matter how difficult it may be.

1. You don't look happy

If you notice that your loved one is showing symptoms of chronic apathy or indifference, they may be yearning for their former freedom. He no longer defends his point of view with the passion that he used to, does not give advice, does not argue, but simply agrees with everything you say, obviously because he no longer cares.

Attention, this is not your fault! Stop saving relationships with your own efforts. This makes the situation even more toxic as your partner is left out and you will soon find that the more you give of yourself, the less reciprocity you get.

The conclusion is simple: we need to talk, as frankly as possible. It may be that the sweetheart has a black streak at work, and he just needs a little space to solve problems. And perhaps you will learn a lot of interesting things about the relationship that you saw as almost perfect. Find out what he thinks about saving the situation, and if there is still apathy in his words, proceed to escape maneuvers.

2. He wants to control you

Joint decision-making is an essential part of a healthy relationship. Common, not for each other. Those who want to control everything express this need by manipulating your life and yourself.

If you need to ask for time off to meet your girlfriends or go out to dinner with your family, this is a clear sign that your partner has taken the position of controller. He may even use blackmail techniques to get you to do what he wants, or even threaten to break off the relationship. This behavior is usually a projection of jealousy, most often unfounded, simply out of a desire to keep you on a short leash and enjoy power, which, paradoxically, will eventually destroy the intimacy between you (unless such a balance of power provides the basis for your sexual harmony).

At first it may seem that he behaves this way because he cares a lot about you, but in the end you will understand that such behavior is selfish, not selfless, and you are always following his lead. What to do? Again, talk. In theory, a loving man is able to recognize that such behavior is inappropriate and he should trust you and respect your personal boundaries. If so, there is hope for a healthier relationship.

3. He criticizes and ridicules you

Do you often feel out of place after talking to someone you love? If the answer is yes, it's time to pay attention to the way he talks to you (or about you). If you find that he constantly criticizes you, putting you in a bad light, know that this is a clear sign that he underestimates you.

When a loved one speaks unflatteringly about you and your behavior, it causes a feeling of shame, not guilt, which is much worse. To illustrate the difference, guilt is "I DID something bad" and shame means "I'm GENERALLY bad". Like not good enough for this Mister Perfect. Shame is not able to improve relationships, it only brings a feeling of loneliness.

In some particularly neglected cases, the boyfriend may go as far as insulting, yelling or swearing. In others, it is to hurt you in a sophisticated way, making sarcastic comments or making offensive jokes. This is not love, but cold-blooded violence, the root of which is selfishness. Those who shame others are actually doing it to feel superior.

In general, there is only one conclusion: let him go to hell. And if you're feeling hurt and alone, find someone you love and trust and share the story of what happened. When a partner does not appreciate your feelings, the support of someone who cares will help.

4.

Do you notice that when you ask him to help with something, he either gets out or does it, but reluctantly? It seems to help, but is clearly unhappy with it. This is how passive-aggressive behavior manifests itself - through procrastination, resistance and sabotage, which can also be expressed in contempt or anger during communication with you.

People who are accustomed to this behavior do not know how to express their feelings. They believe that you are able to read their minds and guess what is on their minds. The reason why they find it difficult to be open and honest is usually the fear of disappointing others - and this feature, of course, comes from childhood. They seriously think that if they say no, you will immediately pack up and move in with a friend.

Therefore, such a man is more likely to answer "yes" to a request for a favor, which he will try his best not to fulfill. Or he will whine and do something even more disgusting, at the same time being offended, because you should know that he did not want this. Nevertheless, there is a chance for an honest dialogue here, the only question is how much you want to mess with it.

5. He harbors a grudge

If he reminisces over and over again about a painful past that, as you hoped, is behind him, it means that he never managed to overcome it. In other words, he never forgave you. Well, then it's time to talk about it again.

True relationships are strong not only because of the abyss of pleasant moments, but also because of the negative experiences that happened together. And in sorrow, as they say, and in joy. You will have to delve into unpleasant memories to find out what will help your sweetheart part with such a tenacious resentment. Or perhaps not wanting to reopen past wounds will seem much more reasonable to you than saving this relationship.

6. You always worry about how he will react

Healthy relationships are built on trust and maximum open communication. If you've gotten into the habit of being afraid of how he'll react to something completely normal, like messages from friends, going out with co-workers, or attending cultural events where you're the only one invited, chances are your love nest is already mired in toxic vibes of omissions and conjectures.

When conscientious urges constantly accompany decision-making, sooner or later you will have to become secretive and even dishonest. It is clear that jealousy and anxiety make the beloved behave irrationally, it is important to figure out where he got it. Such situations are often based on painful experiences from previous relationships. Ready to babysit the ghosts of his past? Be patient and start a dialogue - there is a modest chance that you will be able to defeat them.

7. He is too dependent on you

Have you forgotten when you could breathe freely? For him, you are more like a nanny than a life partner, and even more so a beloved one. Admit that you feel guilty when you spend time on yourself? In the meantime, you just need it. The annoying feeling that you are obligated to meet his needs does not bode well. He clearly likes this dependence, which is typical for those who suffer from low self-esteem.

If it's hard to tell your loved one that it's important for you to take care of yourself, such a relationship is not worth cherishing.