Psychological reason for lying

6 Reasons People Lie When They Don’t Need To

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Pathological lying isn’t a clinical diagnosis, though it can sometimes be a symptom of other issues, such as a personality disorder or a manic episode. But some people get so accustomed to lying that they do so even when there is no clear purpose, and when their lies are easily disproven, leaving everyone scratching their heads over the point of their deceptions.

Over the years, I’ve worked with a number of these people — so-called pathological or compulsive liars — and gained some insight into the way they think. Believe it or not, their lying makes some sense, when you look at it through their eyes.

1. The lie does matter ... to them. The number one reason people lie when it just doesn’t matter is because they actually do think it matters. While everyone around them thinks it’s an inconsequential issue, the liar believes it is critically important. They may be putting undeserved emphasis or pressure on themselves, or on the issue, but you won’t know unless you ask something like, “It seems like this issue is really important to you — why?”

2. Telling the truth feels like giving up control. Often, people tell lies because they are trying to control a situation and exert influence toward getting the decisions or reactions they want. The truth can be “inconvenient” because it might not conform to their narrative.

3. They don’t want to disappoint you. It may not feel like it to you, but people who tell lie after lie are often worried about losing the respect of those around them. They want you to like them, be impressed, and value them. And they’re worried that the truth might lead you to reject or shame them.

4. Lies snowball. I remember a cartoon my kids watched years ago about how lies grow. We tell a little bitty lie, but then to cover that lie, we have to tell another one, then another, and another — each gets bigger and bigger. Finally, we’re arguing about the color of the sky, because to admit anything creates the potential of the entire house of cards tumbling. If a chronic liar admits to any single lie, they feel like they’re admitting to being a liar, and then you’ll have reason to distrust them.

5. It’s not a lie to them. When we are under pressure, our thinking about the big picture can be challenged. Our memory of things is actually quite unreliable: Multiple studies demonstrate that our memories are influenced by many things, that they change over time, and that they are essentially reconstructed each time we think about them. Often, repetitive liars feel so much pressure in the moment that their memory becomes simply unreliable. When they say something, it’s often because they genuinely believe, at that moment, that it is the truth. Their memory has been overwhelmed by stress, current events, and their desire to find a way to make this situation work. Sometimes, this can become so severe that the person almost seems to have created a complete alternate world in their head, one that conforms to their moment-by-moment beliefs and needs.

6. They want it to be true. Finally, the liar might want their lie to be true so badly that their desire and needs again overwhelm their instinct to tell the truth. “Be the change you want to see in the world,” Gandhi never actually said. But sometimes, liars hope that they can make something come true by saying it over and over, and by believing it as hard as they can. In today’s environment of “alternative facts,” it’s hard not to see this as somewhat justified.

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People, by and large, are honest by default. Most people tell the truth most of the time. Our very capacity for language is built on an assumption of honesty — we agree that the words we use mean the same thing consistently, and we don’t use words deceptively because this would render language and the very communication of ideas impossible. Some people lie more than others, but even frequent liars are actually honest most of the time. But it stands out dramatically when their deceptions are so blatant, easily disproven, and seemingly unimportant.

As frustrating as it is when people tell whoppers, we can begin to understand the motivations behind them. Asking the person, “Why is this situation so important to you?” or, “Why do you need me to see this the same way you do?” can be a useful, non-threatening way to get at the foundations of stress and desperation that often underlie deceptions. Don’t ask, “Why are you lying?” We need to remember that the person is often motivated by not being seen as a liar, and this question paints them into a corner.

Of course, understanding a big fibber’s motivations and having empathy in such situations is valuable. But to function effectively in the real world, we also need people to learn to be more honest. Communicating empathy for a person’s desperation can be a valuable tool to give them permission to tell the truth. And then, recognizing and reinforcing when a person does tell the truth is a powerful way to get more truth-telling. It shows people that the truth is not scary, and that the world won’t end when the truth comes out.

3 Signs To Look For

Written by WebMD Editorial Contributors

Medically Reviewed by Dan Brennan, MD on November 23, 2020

What is Lying?

Everyone lies from time to time. However, some people lie more frequently than others and may lie without cause. If a person’s habit of lying negatively affects their life, or if they feel unable to stop lying, then they may have a condition known as pathological lying.

Pathological lying is still being studied, but its cause appears to be a number of conditions. Pathological lying is a symptom of various personality disorders, including antisocial, narcissistic, and histrionic personality disorders. Other conditions, such as borderline personality disorder, may also lead to frequent lies, but the lies themselves are not considered pathological. Finally, some people simply lie pathologically but have no other conditions.

Regardless of the reason for a lie, it’s unpleasant to find out that someone has lied to you. If a loved one is frequently lying to you, you can learn to spot their lies. You can also support them, if they decide to get treatment.

Types of Lies

People lie for many reasons. Most people tell lies occasionally to avoid hurting someone’s feelings or to get out of uncomfortable social situations. These are generally known as “white lies,” because they are intended to avoid harm and are generally about trivial matters. Many white lies are only partially false or exaggerate the truth.

On occasion, people will also lie to avoid getting in trouble or to protect themselves from a threat. These lies are generally more complete fabrications. They also tend to be about serious or self-serving matters. This type of lie is known as a “gray lie,” since it’s less likely to be socially acceptable than a white lie.

Finally, some people lie for malicious reasons. These lies often carry serious consequences for other people and may lead to situations people consider unfair or unjust. Any malicious lie is generally considered a “real lie,” which is completely socially unacceptable. People who lie pathologically are more likely to tell gray or real lies than other people.

Signs of Lying

When lying, many people have “tells” that can help you identify when they aren’t telling the truth. However, there is no one-size-fits-all method to tell when someone isn’t being truthful. Instead, you need to pay attention to that person specifically. If a loved one is lying to you frequently, look for some of these signs.

Contradictory Stories

When someone isn’t telling the truth, it’s harder to keep the details of their story straight. Someone who lies frequently will eventually lose track of previous lies and start to contradict themselves. If you notice your loved one is contradicting themselves, they are likely lying.

Unverifiable Details

Many people who lie frequently may add details to their lies to make them seem more realistic. Studies show that people tend to include fewer verifiable details when lying than when telling the truth, and a similar number of details that can’t be verified. So, if someone is telling you a story with a lot of details that you know can’t be proven or disproven, the story may be more suspicious.

Overly Dramatic or Long Stories

Especially with pathological liars, a lie is more likely to be dramatic and long than the truth. If a story seems too dramatic to be true, that may be the case. If your loved one often has anecdotes about overly dramatic or intense situations, they may be lying to you.

Living With Frequent Lying

Living with someone who lies frequently can be stressful and uncomfortable. If you want to maintain a relationship with someone who lies to you, there are a few tactics you can use to handle conversations and daily life.

Stay Calm

Many people who lie frequently will react poorly to anger aimed at them. If you believe you are being lied to, remain calm.

Don’t Engage With Lies

If you know something isn’t true, there’s no reason to act like it is true. Supporting your loved one’s lies will only reinforce their behavior. Instead, let them know that you know they are lying and stop the conversation.

Suggest Medical Treatment

If your loved one seems distressed by their lies, you can recommend that they get medical treatment. Therapy may help them confront the root of their habit of lying and lead to fewer lies in the future.

6 Reasons Why People Lie Even When They Don't Need To

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Know Yourself A Man Among People

Most people try to always tell the truth. Some lie more than others. But there are those who lie all the time. Pathological lying is not a clinical diagnosis, although it can be one of the symptoms of psychopathy and manic episodes.

But the vast majority of liars are mentally healthy people who think differently or lie under the influence of circumstances, explains David Lay, psychiatrist, doctor of clinical psychology. Why do they do it?

1. Lies make sense to them

Others do not understand why they lie even in small things. In fact, these little things are important for those who lie. They have a different perception of the world and a different system of values. What matters to them is what is not important to most.

2. When they tell the truth, they feel like they are losing control of the situation.

Sometimes such people lie to influence others. They are sure that their deceit sounds more convincing than the truth, and allows them to control the situation.

3. They do not want to upset us

They lie because they are afraid of the disapproval of others. Liars want to be appreciated and loved, to be admired. They fear that the truth does not look very attractive and, having learned it, friends may turn away from them, relatives will begin to be ashamed, and the boss will not entrust an important project.

4. Once they start lying, they cannot stop

A lie is like a snowball: one catches the other. The more they lie, the harder it is for them to start telling the truth. Life becomes like a house of cards - if you remove even one card, it will collapse. At some point, they begin to lie to reinforce past lies.

Pathological liars are sure that if they confess in one episode, it turns out that they have told a lie before. Fearing exposure, they continue to deceive even where it is not necessary.

5. Sometimes they do not even realize that they are lying

In a stressful situation, people do not think about the little things, because first of all it is important to save yourself. And they turn on a survival mode in which they are not fully aware of what they say or do. And they sincerely believe in their own words.

People believe in what was not, if it suits them. And after the danger has passed, they do not remember what they said under the influence of stress.

6. They want their lies to be true

Sometimes liars wishful thinking. It seems to them that dreams can become reality with a little pretending. They will become richer if they start to splurge and talk about their mythical wealth or a millionaire grandfather who left them a will.

How to communicate with a liar?

Whatever the reason for lying, the deceiver always feels uncomfortable. And here the reaction of others is important. If the interlocutor in response to a lie says: “Stop inventing!”, “Again you are deceiving me!” or “I will bring you to clean water!”, the liar turns on a defensive reaction.

Most of all, such people are afraid to look like deceivers in the eyes of others and are able to go to any lie to prove that they can be trusted.

If you want to know the truth, try to refrain from attacks and accusations. First, try to determine the reason why your interlocutor is lying. Ask him, "Why is this situation so important to you?" or “Why do you want me to believe this?” “Why do you want me to look at the situation from this point of view?”

This will reduce tension and make communication more sincere. Empathy is the best way to show a person that the truth is not such a terrible thing and the world will not collapse if it turns out that he is deceiving others.

Text: Alexandra Galimova Photo source: Getty Images

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Why do we lie and why do we lie ? A psychotherapist tells

The most interesting information from the article about lies on portal 9The Phenomenon of Truth — What is a lie? Why do people lie so often?

- A lie is a distortion of the truth . The word comes from the Greek for "curve" and "truth" from the Greek for "straight." I think we can say: the meaning of a lie is to avoid clashes and conflicts, conditionally - to go aside.

From the point of view of psychology, lies are different, each lie has its own goals. I will rely on psychoanalytic theory, because here the lie is considered as a phenomenon of the attitude of the individual to his ideas about the people around him. According to one of the classifications, there are three main reasons for lying, all of which have roots in our childhood and run through our whole life.

The first reason is that we lie when we are afraid of being unpleasant, we think that we are not worthy of love, attention or respect, and we try to look more attractive from our point of view, distorting the truth. This type of lie is expressed in the fact that people in everyday life exaggerate or embellish something, hiding the truth about themselves. I think this has happened to all of us.

In the worst case, for example, when the child was not accepted in the family, could not be open and truthful, he has to create a shell of "false self". The term was introduced by pediatric psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott, who noticed that some children, trying to maintain relationships with an unfriendly or indifferent environment, begin to adapt, forming an image that is convenient for others, in which they themselves believe. This can affect their entire future life: as a rule, such people then come to therapy with a feeling of emptiness, they say that they do not feel real. A person suddenly discovers for himself that the appearance or qualities that he possesses are liked by others, but he himself does not give any pleasure.

The second reason for lying is an attempt to hide something that could be dangerous for us. In the pathological version, if we return to the parent-child relationship, such a lie appears when the parents begin to attack the child, not accept him, take away what he likes. As a rule, this type of lie is formed in a relationship with a persecuting, totalitarian, controlling person. In nature, we would call it mimicry, an attempt to blend into the background. Keeping information secret is still lying, because such circumstances distort the image of us in the eyes of others.

The third type of lie is very dangerous. It occurs when a child is faced with hard things, reality, for example, he learns that his parents are not so rich or that he does not have the ability to play sports or study. If these revelations are traumatic, but also fueled by the environment, used as an excuse for humiliation, the child experiences shame. As a result of the key factor - humiliation, there is a sadistic lie.

- What is the difference between a lie and the truth from the point of view of psychoanalysis?

- In fact, everything is very simple: the truth does not belong to anyone . I'll try to decipher. Scientists are trying to understand how the world works, they are looking for the truth. This requires a lot of effort, the ability to see the world through the eyes of others, testing theories for validity. Or looking for the truth about yourself means questioning yourself, reflecting on who you are, testing yourself in relationships with others, receiving feedback. All this is a search with a result that is very difficult to predict in advance. This is a meeting with a stranger, which always causes anxiety, and also requires considerable internal resources to search. Curiosity, which is characteristic of all people to a greater or lesser extent, helps this process.

Lies are always creation. It returns to the person the illusion of control that is comfortable for him. In this case, a paradox arises: a lie never gives support - neither to the one who lies, nor to the one who is deceived, because they do not know exactly what is really happening.

Is it good to lie sometimes?

- Is it possible to say that the social norm "it is important to tell the truth" is supported by something? Maybe it's just an arrangement that is completely optional? Or is there something more important than a social norm?

- Here I would talk about unconscious contracts - rules that we take for granted, accepted at an unconscious level. Still, when possible, it is better to tell the truth , if only because it allows you not to distort reality, to leave relationships between spouses, friends, and colleagues transparent and based on a solid foundation. Of course, the ideal state is one where people understand very clearly what is happening in the country and trust its leadership. Definitely the truth allows you to build healthier and more fruitful relationships.

Another lie is very closely related to a sense of justice, because even two people can have completely different ideas about what is fair and what is not. Balancing within their scale of values, someone with a low income may consider that they are not doing anything wrong by deceiving another very rich person or, for example, the state. For some, this may even be an act of restoring justice.

But in fact, the world is not black and white, our opportunities are not equal. Someone can earn more, someone is more talented or more successful. It is very difficult for many to live with the awareness of this fact, which, perhaps, should be called the truth. Once again, the truth is not that if you do not have money or a certain talent, you are worse off. The truth is that we are different. This is difficult, so some decide to go along the curve, step aside, or hold on to their own version, defending subjective justice.

Lies kill trust , this is a global problem. I would really like to know for sure that the taxi driver taking me does not want to sleep right now, the doctor I'm going to see took care of his qualifications, the state to which I pay taxes will spend them on maintaining well-being - mine and the people, really those in need.

Some are ready to accept it at a certain moment: not earlier and not later. Forming an idea of the world, we often lie to ourselves and others, because it is painful, embarrassing, scary, sometimes unbearable to learn some truth.

In sadistic lying, one person believes that he is a puppeteer, and the rest in his world are puppets to play with. It turns out that the puppeteer humiliates others with his lies. And when we discover the truth, we have two ways to react: you can protest, telling the liar that you are not ready to put up with humiliation, and defend your point of view through discussion, with the help of facts, actions. The second way is to agree with the lie, but then you remain humiliated, silent - and this humiliation will not go anywhere. As if not noticing what you were drawn into, you continue to live with this sensation that distorts your reality. It is often said that the truth is associated with fear, but this is more likely not a fear of knowing the truth, but fear of being humiliated e because of being deceived or used.

Why don't people like truth-tellers?

— What qualities should a person who constantly tells the truth have? Is it good for society? Pravdorubov are often compared almost with the blessed ...

— Let's remember: lie protects from fear and shame . Imagine that someone in a sharp form begins to expose unpleasant moments in front of you. You are not ready for this, you, in fact, do not want to know the truth. There is always an unconscious contract in a couple: each of the spouses “doesn’t notice” something in a partner, the same contracts exist in relations with the leadership or in the interaction of a citizen and the state. It is important to understand here that all these painful questions are not buried - sooner or later they will come up, they will have to be faced, because, as we said earlier, truth, unlike lies, exists on its own, regardless of our desire.

A colleague told me about a case from practice. He showed the dependent person tests showing that he had cirrhosis of the liver. Do you know what the reaction was? The patient thought for a moment and said: "Hmm... I can deceive my wife, but I can't deceive my liver." And if a patient told me this at a psychotherapy session, I would show him that there are two parts of his personality. The first, like his wife, does not want to know the truth, is ready to be blind and deceived, not to think about the consequences. The second understands the truth and is afraid of it. And then we would talk about this conflict.

As for the truth-lovers, I have not met in my life positive examples of people who would be called that. I suppose, because such a characteristic applies more to those who not only know the truth, but also want to use it as a weapon of attack, consoling their pride.

But after all, there are people who, methodically defending the truth, set themselves the goal not to effectively humiliate, but to restore the balance . Their behavior is distinguished by a desire to hear opponents, to test their truth for a fortress. The influence of such people may not be so striking at first, but it is obvious that the expression of such an honest position has a beneficial effect on everyone.

— Often lies are justified as “lie for good” . Is this even possible?

— A very subtle question. In any case, it is important to ask oneself here why a person who lies for the good left himself the right to decide whether to tell the truth to his opponent or not.

- In Soviet medicine, there was a widespread practice not to inform terminally ill people about the tragic consequences that the disease would lead to: it was assumed that the patient might not be able to cope with the truth, it would only harm him ...

“Doctors still do not like to talk in detail about difficult diagnoses, to discuss them. For some time, Belarusian medicine tried to introduce informed consent, but this did not take root in all areas. As a rule, the doctor simply does not have time to feel the patient's problems, digest them and respond sincerely, with sympathy. This is a bad example of lying for good.

In general, I think this way: many say they lie so as not to injure a loved one or not to aggravate the situation. We have no right to such a lie, since it concerns another person, deprives him of the most valuable thing - the ability to control his own life. By lying, by not saying anything, we reserve control over his life. Such control is, in fact, sadistic lie .

In the Soviet system of education, orphans were not told who their parents were, believing that in this way they were protected from stress. This practice has been extended to many other countries as well. The French psychoanalyst Françoise Doltot turned the tide by greatly influencing the institution of foster parents and orphanages in France. She believed that a child is able to survive any truth and it is not the truth that injures him, but just the same secret - a lie. The trauma lies in the fact that at some point a child who does not know the truth breaks down the picture of the world. Therefore, orphanages in France were the keepers of information about the natural parents of adopted children. The child, at any time when he felt that he was ready, had the right to come and find out who his real father and mother were.

Danger of self-deception

- A person, often repeating a lie, at some point begins to believe in it himself. How can this be explained?

- This is a completely understandable situation: in most cases, a person simply does not want to know the truth. I have repeatedly observed how people who come to me for help readily believe in obvious lies from partners, forbidding themselves to see the real, but very uncomfortable state of affairs. Simply put, they preferred to love not a person, but their idealistic idea of him. They felt that, having learned the truth, they would not be able to control it, it would make them look differently at themselves and those who were nearby. Self-deception created illusion control i .

Another version of self-deception is that a person cannot see in himself the cause of his misfortunes. In this case, the one who deceives himself believes that there are enemies all around, interfering with his prosperity. This lie protects us from the truth that there is a side of us that we really dislike, that we can be ashamed of. This lie is based on projection - I see things in others that I don't want to know about myself.

- Crisis periods in the life of many states, as a rule, divide society into several warring parties, each of which firmly believes that it is the bearer of the truth, while opponents are either fools or liars. How can this phenomenon of such “many-faced truth” be explained?

“In the event of major upheavals, society finds itself in a situation of splitting and regression. Roughly speaking, it rolls back to the early stages of thinking, in fact, to the period when the world in the view of mankind looked like a fairy tale, where good and evil were clearly divided. Let me try to explain: speaking about our everyday life, many of us will probably say “everything is complicated here”. We notice halftones, we understand that things can have double, sometimes contradictory meanings.

It is noteworthy that the enemies (this has always happened, in all conflicts, all over the world) will accuse each other of what they themselves are doing. And more and more often we will hear "the fool himself, the fool himself, the fool himself ...". Splitting and primitivizing opponents, we endow them with all the negative sides of absolute evil (including our own, which we no longer have the power to notice), and we see ourselves as purely positive heroes - absolute good.

Unlike animals, humans are endowed with self-knowledge. In imagining ourselves, we tend to fall into extremes that were imposed on us by circumstances and internal defense mechanisms. If a person says that in his childhood absolutely everything was terrible or, conversely, beautiful, this is a sure sign that he has serious problems with a distorted view of the world. After going through therapy, comprehending and accepting what was happening, he will most likely say that his childhood was different: both good and bad.

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