Parenting an angry teenager

By Josh Watson, LCSW, CMO at Aspiro Adventure Therapy Program

The rules for raising a self-confident child are named

05/30/2022 at 18:34 Society 10427

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Every parent dreams that his child would grow up kind, honest, positive, so that he would not have problems with peers, teachers, behavior at school, with grades . .. Everyone dreams, but not everyone succeeds. Why do some children become difficult teenagers with age, who offend others, are rude to teachers and parents, while others turn into an unfortunate victim who is being bullied? And it is still not known what is worse for parents. Professor Daniil Alexandrov, who studies the aggressive behavior of children, told MK how to educate the younger generation so that children do not become either one or the other.

Photo: flickr.com

To the question of what influences the development of a harmonious personality, heredity or the environment, psychologists still do not give an exact answer, although a huge amount of research has been carried out on this topic. For example, one of the scientists found that 50% of a child's intelligence level and 28–49% of the severity of self-confidence, anxiety, friendliness and consciousness depend on genes. Specialists in child psychology argue that in addition to genes, the formation of the character and personality of a child is primarily influenced by the family atmosphere, in second place is the culture of education. For example, a well-known fact in psychology is that if adoptive parents surround a child taken from a family of thieves or drunkards and adopted with love, attention and properly educate, then he will grow up as a worthy person. At the same time, if successful, prosperous parents do not find time to take care of the child and instead of them the bad company in which he falls into “takes care of”, then, most likely, nothing worthwhile will come of him, despite good genes.

“Aggressive environment breeds aggressive children”

Professor of the National Research University Higher School of Economics in St. Petersburg, head of the laboratory of sociology of education and science Daniil Alexandrov is sure that the future of a child directly depends on how his parents will raise him. One of the problems that worries parents more than any other and can break the fate of a child is child aggression. Its roots look quite harmless: young children have a lot of energy, and sometimes their activity can develop into aggression. Children run, push, then they can start to fight. Little brothers and sisters can fight, then immediately reconcile, then fight again ... Such childish aggression does not cause much concern for anyone. It is bad when children master aggression as a way to achieve some of their goals, when they deliberately behave badly towards someone.

“Children learn to use aggression as a means to get something from adults in their environment,” explains the professor. - In a family where it is customary to resolve disputes with psychological or physical violence, children will also tend to behave aggressively. If teachers in school yell at students for the slightest misconduct, children will think that violence is the “right” strategy of behavior. Aggressive environment breeds aggressive children.

Of course, as parents, we would not like our children to torture other children or to torture them.

Professor Aleksandrov shared a simple recipe for avoiding these troubles. It is necessary to form in the child a behavior that shows everyone around him his self-confidence. Such "confident behavior" is certainly associated with self-esteem, even in a small child.

- Imagine a triangle with two corners - "passivity" and "aggressiveness", and the third corner - "self-confidence". Confident behavior, calm, friendly, without aggression, but at the same time adamant.

Let me explain with a living example. Mom allowed a little schoolgirl to dye her hair in different colors. She came to school, and in the corridor an unfamiliar teacher made an angry remark to her. How can a child behave? The child may: a) be frightened or even cry, b) be rude and say: “None of your business.” How will a confident child behave? Perhaps he will be nervous inside, but outwardly calmly and with self-esteem, he will politely answer the teacher: “Forgive me, please, but don’t you think that if my mother allowed me and our class teacher does not mind, I have the right to walk like this? After all, my hair does not interfere with anyone. Even an aggressive and uncompromising teacher, faced with such a polite, positive, confident child, will say: “Well, go to your class.” What else can he say?

"Expand your child's autonomy and believe in him"

The main question is, why do we most often see a lack of confidence in a child?

A child's confident behavior is formed thanks to unconditional love and trust in the family - between him and his parents, between all family members.

There are no families without conflicts, without friction. Parents sometimes want to forbid something to the child, to protect him from some dangerous things. And here there are three extremes of parental behavior: too protective, or too controlling, or simply violent methods of upbringing, when the parent, just a little cuff, and the conversation is short: “Go to your room and do your homework!” This behavior is a consequence of the parent's own insecurity and inability to communicate with the child.

These extreme forms should be avoided.

“According to the approach of the great psychologist Lev Vygotsky and his followers around the world, adults should help the child explore the world, supporting and expanding his “zone of proximal development”, in particular, consistently expanding the zone of his autonomy,” continues Daniil Aleksandrov. - He must do his homework on his own, be independent in the world around him and at the same time must be self-confident. If you don’t let a child go anywhere without a grandmother, take him everywhere in a car, this is wrong. You need to consistently, step by step, expand its independence, but in such a way that it does not fall into the risk zone, but does not lag behind, but is at the forefront of development.

I remember being asked when my daughter was hiking if I was afraid to let her go? And I honestly said that, of course, scary. But I still let go. It is useful for a teenager to know that you are worried about him, that you are even nervous, but you trust him. This combination of caring for him, but overcoming fear and allowing him to be independent, and gives him the confidence he needs in life.

The next important aspect of a parent's behavior is to be able to negotiate with children. Suppose a child refuses to do something, does not want to. We explain to him that we also do not want something, but we can agree. For example, we are so busy that we cannot go with him wherever he wants. But we tell him: “Okay, we will shorten the list of our cases and go with you. But you also have to do this and that.” Reciprocal concessions must be negotiated in a trusting and benevolent manner.

As a result, when confronted with aggression, an adolescent will, firstly, be self-confident, and secondly, he will be able to negotiate with other children. Aggression is most often manifested where people lack the skills to negotiate, where they do not know how to use diplomacy. If we train children in diplomatic relations with the outside world, we will protect them from both aggressive behavior and passive sacrifice. It is a well-known fact that children who can talk to other people, have a positive attitude towards the world, almost never become victims.

“It is not interesting to poison a self-confident child”

The aggressors choose a victim who is convenient to torture. The victims are usually chosen emotionally weak. It is known that in any clash - in adolescence, in an adult - the one who is confident in himself wins.

It is very important to know that a child can be trained to behave confidently. People often ask me: have you never been teased at school? I answer: "Of course, they called me names." - "Were you offended?" - "No". This is an important quality of a person who does not become a victim of bullying: they try to laugh at him, but he is not offended. If they try to spread rot on such a child, they will not be interested. “Well, call me names, I don’t care,” he says.

Let me give you an example from my teenage life. I went to school in Novosibirsk, and one year, when a cold winter came, it turned out that I did not have warm winter boots. Without thinking twice, my parents put on my older sister's shoes, and I went to school in them in the cold. At school, I had the imprudence to say that I had my sister's shoes. The class laughed at this, and some children began to actively pursue me, singing: "Dani has girls' shoes, Danya and everything else, like a girl." And I also laughed with them at this song. I didn’t want to fight them, although I knew how, and just laughed: well, what can I take from them, I decided for myself, from crazy people. To be honest, in my heart I was uncomfortable at that moment, but I did not feel like a victim, and they saw it. Children like me are falling behind quickly.

An important point: even if the child is unpleasant or angry, in no case should you show this to your offenders.

— You told how a child should not become a victim of aggression. And if we take the opposite pole of the conflict - the aggressor? How should parents behave with a teenager who believes that due to the persecution of one of the children, he asserts himself among his peers?

— The child needs to be explained that aggressive behavior, when he offends someone, rots — this characterizes him as a weak person himself. The most effective way to stop this behavior is when peers in his environment, whom he respects, tell him that this is "not cool." “You are poisoning Kolya because Kolya is small and weak!” If a teenager poisons someone in order, in his opinion, to raise his status, then with such comments from his peers he will understand that he does not raise, but lowers his status.

When a small child behaves like this, then parents should negotiate with him, and when a teenager, then his peers, not adults, have great authority for him, therefore it is better if the conversation with him is not carried out by parents, but, for example, relatives closer by age, but older or, for example, a cousin.

"Proper parental love conquers all"

A striking study has recently emerged of how physical punishment affects a child's aggression, whether it increases it or reduces it. It turned out that it entirely depends on what kind of relationship the child has with his parents. If there are no warm trusting relationships in the family, but there is overcontrol, then physical punishment increases the child's aggression. If this happens in those families where there is a high level of parental support and love, and at the same time the child is not chased and is not tormented by control, then here a slap or a slap either does not affect the growth of aggression in the child, or even reduces it altogether. . This does not mean that loving parents have the right to physically punish. But if you love a child, and he behaves ugly, you are forced to physically pull him up, then the child will understand that he has done something bad.

Proper parental love - not so big, "suffocating", which envelops the child with care like a net, and not so small that the child does not feel affection - conquers everything and reduces the dangers of the child's misbehavior.

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Authors:

• Irina Brichkalevich

St. Petersburg

Published in the newspaper "Moskovsky Komsomolets" No. 28793 dated May 31, 2022

Newspaper headline: Aggressor and victim: how not to become them?

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A teenager refuses to go to school: what should parents do

A child is by nature ready for cognitive activity. But sometimes it happens that a teenager who attended primary school with pleasure, moving to the middle link (grades 6-7), refuses to study. In the morning he gets up sleepy, exhausted, angry, does not do his homework. Gradually becomes distracted, does not remember information. It often seems to parents that their child is simply lazy, and they should be scolded for this, because he must study diligently. In fact, the reasons for this behavior can be different, and the relatives should first figure out why the teenager has lost motivation to study. Marina Danilova, a psychologist at the Doverie family center, tells how to do this.

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“Battery dead”

One of the simplest reasons is that a teenager simply “batteries are dead”. In other words, it is not in a resource state. When we are in the resource, we feel filled and alive. We like everything, we are satisfied with life and ourselves. A large number of lessons, different teachers, constant instructions from parents take more energy than it might seem to us from the outside. And sometimes all this undermines faith in one's own abilities and capabilities.

“It is important to teach a child techniques that will teach him to recharge in time and to look at emerging difficulties in a new way, as well as to find strengths in himself that can be relied on. And, of course, it is important for parents to support the child, to say that in which case they will always come to the rescue, ”explains the psychologist.

Praise your child

It is very important to pay attention to the words we say to our children. Do we instill in them confidence or helplessness, distrust of adults. Children are always ready for exploits. Therefore, it is better to support them, even if you see that the child is not succeeding somewhere and it seems to you that he did not try hard enough.

“Children feel our mood, read the non-verbal manifestations of our emotions, and stop believing in themselves, in their strengths and abilities. This is because parents are those people who can either fill children with strength, the desire to move forward, or devastate. Praise your children, find something for which you can praise, focus on the good, ”advises Marina Danilova.

Consider hormonal changes

Since the transitional age begins in this period, hormonal changes cannot be discounted. During this period, there is an intensive growth and change of the body. All body systems undergo changes.

“Guys are worried about pimples appearing on their faces and bodies. In the mirror, the reflection seems ugly, the girls are embarrassed by the growth of the mammary glands. In this case, a son or daughter can be advised on special literature, various encyclopedias, in which children can easily explain what happens to their body during adolescence. In addition, I often recommend visiting an endocrinologist to rule out thyroid disease, since emotional swings can be the result of a disease, ”says the psychologist.

Organize leisure activities

In secondary school, the child has less personal time for favorite activities. The load is great: new school subjects appear, a lot of homework is assigned, the student becomes largely autonomous. The school system cannot be changed, but we can organize the regime and free time from school.

“Invite your child to take up a new hobby. For example, alternative music classes, unusual sports, art therapy, etc. Your child may want to try volunteering, such as helping at an animal shelter or collecting waste paper. It would be nice for parents to join. Try to spend time together and be sincerely interested in the affairs of the child, ”explains the psychologist.

Become a friend to your child

In middle and high school, children may experience bullying. In addition to ridicule, psychological abuse, bullying can lead to more serious consequences. Therefore, it is important for a parent to pay attention to changes in behavior that may indicate bullying and respond as soon as possible.

“Changes in the child's behavior that may indicate bullying: the child abruptly loses interest in school, he is always sad, depressed, withdrawn, whiny.

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