Negative effects of jealousy

How Jealousy Can Negatively Affect a Relationship

Understanding what’s at the root of the emotion can help you cope with jealous behavior.

No one wants to admit being jealous, but we’ve all felt it. We all know that stingy realization that something or someone we love is at risk of being lost or taken from us.

Jealousy can be a reflection of our innermost thoughts. We then project the emotion onto our reality and relationships.

Jealousy can create unhelpful patterns of behaviors and intrusive thoughts that can leave relationships reeling.

Even though jealousy can be problematic in relationships, the emotion can be redirected and reframed into productive, meaningful avenues for growth and acceptance.

Has your partner become more controlling by questioning your behaviors and motives? Are you feeling insecure and creating scenarios in your head and destructively projecting them onto your relationship? If so, jealousy might be the culprit.

Jealousy is the emotion we can experience when something of value — such as our romantic relationships or positions at work — is being threatened and can be potentially taken from us.

Also, jealousy can arise spontaneously and potentially sabotage our otherwise healthy and harmonious relationships.

Still, the emotion occurs naturally in humans and can invite us to turn our attention toward the root of the feelings we’re experiencing.

Some might argue that jealousy in relationships isn’t “bad” and can be quite constructive. But there is a fine line between jealousy as a healthy motivator and jealousy as the destructive antagonist.

Jealously runs on assumptions and can make you imagine circumstances that aren’t there. Understanding how signs of jealousy may show up within a relationship can be helpful.

Because every relationship is unique, jealousy may appear in various ways and look different for everyone. The following are common signs that indicate your partner might be experiencing jealousy:

possessive or controlling behavior
isolation
constant reassurance
monitoring your whereabouts and communications
distrust or suspicion
lack of boundaries
increased volatility

Becoming aware of toxic behaviors in your relationship can help you examine how your actions may affect your partner.

Behaviors that you may notice can include but aren’t limited to:

restricting your ability to communicate with others
going through your phone when you’re not around
checking your text messages and emails without consent
threats or acts of physical violence

If you or someone you know are experiencing domestic violence, you can:
Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline 24 hours a day at 800-799-7233
Contact loveisrespect.org by texting LOVEIS to 22522 or calling 866-331-9474
Visit the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence for a list of resources

Anxiety and its trademark “what ifs” can create something out of nothing and leave the door open for jealousy to take root in your relationship.

According to a small 2021 study, people who monitor their partners on social media or mistrust online communication experience higher levels of jealousy and attachment anxiety.

The same study also reported that jealousy responses in relationships typically increase if an individual lives with attachment anxiety.

Behavioral patterns in previous relationships can also make you more likely to become jealous or experience jealousy in your relationship.

Jealousy is often a cover for underlying issues, such as:

insecurity
low self-esteem
neuroticism
fear of abandonment

These issues can fuel jealousy and manipulate a person’s behavior. They can also cause harm that can be hard to recover from.

If jealous behavior and feelings impact your relationship, implementing strategies and techniques can help you navigate back to a more peaceful place. The following are some to consider.

Explore the root of jealousy

Try to identify why jealousy has become an issue and communicate openly with your partner about their point of view.

You may also consider asking a trusted friend for their opinion. You might be surprised how a different perspective can help you see more clearly.

Focus on the present moment

The presence of jealousy can be an opportunity to discuss the reality of your relationship versus the perception of what it should be.

Mindfulness and gratitude practices may also be beneficial for overcoming jealousy. Being grateful for the relationship you have, perfect or not, can help you identify all the things that work.

Therapy

Couples therapy may also prove beneficial.

Finding a space where we feel comfortable expressing our true feelings, especially on a sensitive topic like jealousy, can be difficult.

A therapist can help guide your discussions so that you and your partner can get to the root causes of jealousy. They can also help you work to reframe unhelpful behaviors or intrusive thoughts.

Jealousy is a natural emotion, but it can create quite a challenge for even the strongest relationships.

Whether you notice jealousy in your partner or yourself, understanding why jealousy is present is crucial to the relationship’s survival.

Try to observe how jealousy affects your relationship and explore the root cause without judgment.

It may take time, but you can overcome jealousy with an openness to communicate and an ability to employ gratitude toward your partner and relationship.

How Jealousy Can Negatively Affect a Relationship

Understanding what’s at the root of the emotion can help you cope with jealous behavior.

No one wants to admit being jealous, but we’ve all felt it. We all know that stingy realization that something or someone we love is at risk of being lost or taken from us.

Jealousy can be a reflection of our innermost thoughts. We then project the emotion onto our reality and relationships.

Jealousy can create unhelpful patterns of behaviors and intrusive thoughts that can leave relationships reeling.

Even though jealousy can be problematic in relationships, the emotion can be redirected and reframed into productive, meaningful avenues for growth and acceptance.

Jealousy is the emotion we can experience when something of value — such as our romantic relationships or positions at work — is being threatened and can be potentially taken from us.

Also, jealousy can arise spontaneously and potentially sabotage our otherwise healthy and harmonious relationships.

Still, the emotion occurs naturally in humans and can invite us to turn our attention toward the root of the feelings we’re experiencing.

Jealously runs on assumptions and can make you imagine circumstances that aren’t there. Understanding how signs of jealousy may show up within a relationship can be helpful.

Because every relationship is unique, jealousy may appear in various ways and look different for everyone. The following are common signs that indicate your partner might be experiencing jealousy:

possessive or controlling behavior
isolation
constant reassurance
monitoring your whereabouts and communications
distrust or suspicion
lack of boundaries
increased volatility

Becoming aware of toxic behaviors in your relationship can help you examine how your actions may affect your partner.

Behaviors that you may notice can include but aren’t limited to:

restricting your ability to communicate with others
going through your phone when you’re not around
checking your text messages and emails without consent
threats or acts of physical violence

If you or someone you know are experiencing domestic violence, you can:
Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline 24 hours a day at 800-799-7233
Contact loveisrespect. org by texting LOVEIS to 22522 or calling 866-331-9474
Visit the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence for a list of resources

Anxiety and its trademark “what ifs” can create something out of nothing and leave the door open for jealousy to take root in your relationship.

According to a small 2021 study, people who monitor their partners on social media or mistrust online communication experience higher levels of jealousy and attachment anxiety.

The same study also reported that jealousy responses in relationships typically increase if an individual lives with attachment anxiety.

Behavioral patterns in previous relationships can also make you more likely to become jealous or experience jealousy in your relationship.

Jealousy is often a cover for underlying issues, such as:

insecurity
low self-esteem
neuroticism
fear of abandonment

These issues can fuel jealousy and manipulate a person’s behavior. They can also cause harm that can be hard to recover from.

If jealous behavior and feelings impact your relationship, implementing strategies and techniques can help you navigate back to a more peaceful place. The following are some to consider.

Explore the root of jealousy

Try to identify why jealousy has become an issue and communicate openly with your partner about their point of view.

You may also consider asking a trusted friend for their opinion. You might be surprised how a different perspective can help you see more clearly.

Focus on the present moment

The presence of jealousy can be an opportunity to discuss the reality of your relationship versus the perception of what it should be.

Mindfulness and gratitude practices may also be beneficial for overcoming jealousy. Being grateful for the relationship you have, perfect or not, can help you identify all the things that work.

Therapy

Couples therapy may also prove beneficial.

Finding a space where we feel comfortable expressing our true feelings, especially on a sensitive topic like jealousy, can be difficult.

A therapist can help guide your discussions so that you and your partner can get to the root causes of jealousy. They can also help you work to reframe unhelpful behaviors or intrusive thoughts.

Jealousy is a natural emotion, but it can create quite a challenge for even the strongest relationships.

Whether you notice jealousy in your partner or yourself, understanding why jealousy is present is crucial to the relationship’s survival.

Try to observe how jealousy affects your relationship and explore the root cause without judgment.

It may take time, but you can overcome jealousy with an openness to communicate and an ability to employ gratitude toward your partner and relationship.

Jealousy. View of psychologists - PSU T.G. Shevchenko

As part of the project “Love, family, children” implemented by the Psychological Service, we offer you to get acquainted with some of the problems that may arise in relations between a man and a woman.

Jealous is a child,

who is afraid of monsters,

created in the darkness of his imagination.

Pierre Boiste (French philosopher)

There are different views on jealousy in relations between a man and a woman.

Jealousy is an integral part of sexual love, intimate friendship, it speaks of the strength of attraction.
Jealousy - selfishness in sexual relations.
Jealousy is an emotion not inherent in love, like a shadow in human relationships.

In psychology, jealousy is seen as a negative feeling arising from self-doubt when feeling a lack of attention, love, respect or sympathy from a very close person, while all this is real or imaginary received by someone else.

This definition is very common and actually illustrates the essence of the problem. Namely, that the feeling of jealousy is fueled by the internal images of a person. Therefore, for a jealous person, proofs and explanations are often not an argument for trust and peace of mind.

An interesting fact is that jealousy has a biological basis and purpose. This feeling is provided by nature to protect the object most suitable for procreation, to preserve one's life and is fueled by testosterone. From this point of view, there is an objective, necessary jealousy. But what to do with pathological jealousy, which does not need real facts? Both the jealous and their entourage suffer from such excruciating jealousy. Particularly jealous people resort to surveillance, violence, scandals, depression, intrusive actions in the form of checking phones, etc. All this has a detrimental and destructive effect on family and love relationships.

Pathological jealousy, one way or another, can be compared with a psychological problem of a certain kind. Therefore, we propose to consider the following types of jealousy:

Paranoid jealousy. People with this type of jealousy, avoiding fantasies about their own desires for infidelity and polygamous relationships, project their needs onto other people, becoming convinced that their partners are dangerously attractive to others. According to the British psychoanalyst Nancy McWilliams, such fears often hide the fear of one's own homosexual fantasies, which are dangerous from the point of view of social punishment. It is in this that the need of a paranoid jealous person is revealed, not to receive punishment himself, to blame a loved one. Jealousy of this type arises as a result of an extreme degree of humiliation in the family, as well as due to increased anxiety of the mother, who not only is not able to help the child cope with her relationship, but also transmits to him a basic distrust of the world and himself.

Manifestations. Constant distrust, checks, ideas that they will be thrown and betrayed from the very beginning of the relationship. This is expressed not just in deliberation, but in a sense of fear of losing the relationship. The partner of a paranoid jealous person in the course of the relationship begins to experience anxiety and a sense of insecurity that he did not experience before. With all this, paranoid individuals are capable of deep relationships, love and fidelity, and therefore can become wonderful family men. In order to help your partner cope with your distrust, create a stable, understood and friendly environment in the house and in the relationship. Keep promises, try to tell the truth. He needs to feel that your relationship is honest and safe.

Narcissistic jealousy. People whose personality is organized around the support of self-esteem through confirmation from outside are called narcissists. Jealousy of narcissists is based on a deep unconscious feeling that they are deceived and unloved and fueled by fear of shame. It is formed as a result of excessive expectations on the part of parents, inflated standards that are difficult for a child to meet. It seems to such people that if they are not the best, they will not be loved. Because of this, narcissistic jealousy is highly sensitive to non-verbal emotional messages and messages in the presence of other people. For example, when a partner is too smiling and friendly with others, has many friends. Jealousy manifests violently, emotionally. At the same time, you can hear the phrases “What will others think? They will laugh at me. Did you flirt with him because he makes more money? In order to quench the narcissist's jealousy, praise your partner more, especially in front of others. Try to be more restrained in praising others. And most importantly, the partner must understand that you love him and appreciate him not only for his achievements, but for his individuality and small weaknesses.

Psychopathic jealousy. Psychopathic jealousy is the most violent and takes the most pathological forms and consequences. The main problem is that a person cannot constantly control his impulses and reactions. Therefore, manifestations of jealousy are antisocial in nature. Psychopathic jealousy is built on the inability to human affection and reliance in relationships on primitive territorial psychological mechanisms. Jealous people believe that it is necessary to remind who is the boss in the house, and to show with jealousy that a person is his property. Most often, this type of jealousy is observed in men. The degree of manifestation of jealousy decreases after 30-40 years. Since it is difficult and almost impossible for psychopathic personalities to express their emotions and fears, they demonstrate them through showing their strength, resorting to violence, beatings, screaming. In order to avoid violence due to jealousy, it is necessary to make a person respect himself. Keep your promises and threats, do not throw words into the wind. And in no case do not tolerate pathological manifestations of jealousy, because this will only contribute to their growth.

Masochistic jealousy. People with masochistic jealousy have an unconscious idea that they can only be interested and loved in moments of fear, anxiety and suffering. Such feelings are formed at an early age, if parents pay attention to the child only at the moment when he is very ill (strong tears, a full diaper, pain). Masochists - jealous people fantasize and expect jealousy in order to feel pain and cause a partner to feel guilty, in which he will pay more attention to him. Often masochists introduce loved ones to attractive people and provoke situations in which their jealousy escalates. Even if there is an objective reason for jealousy or betrayal, masochists do not leave their loved ones, receiving painful pleasure from the situation. Manifestations of this type of jealousy are as follows: a sad person reminds that he loves so much, but he doesn’t, and he suffers. To help cope with the manifestations of masochistic jealousy, you can use trusting relationships. Try to pay attention to your partner in ordinary and pleasant situations.

Schizoid or avoidant jealousy. Schizoid jealousy is inherent in people who unconsciously and purposefully form fantasies of jealousy in order to create or maintain an interpersonal distance with a partner. These people are unemotional and therefore, in their jealousy, they do not show excessive anxiety and emotions. You can only notice the sadness that the jealous man does not want to talk about. This is precisely the difficulty in calming jealousy - it is difficult to guess about it. From them you can hear calm phrases like: “You like him, then I won’t interfere”, “I can’t stand your obvious flirting, I need to think in private.” Also, his ideas about jealousy can take a very artsy and creative form. For example, ideas for incredible dates or gifts. If a person becomes jealous, he becomes surprisingly indifferent in sexual relations, spends a lot of time away from home and at work, reading philosophy. The main problem that causes jealousy is the emotional distancing that a person is used to. If you see that the mother of a loved one is very cold and stingy with emotions, you can expect various tricks from him, with the help of which he will try to maintain a safe interpersonal distance with you. Respect for a person's personal boundaries can help deal with this kind of jealousy. If you feel that it is difficult for your partner to open up, give him the opportunity to get used to you gradually. He should have a place in the house that will be only his. Otherwise, sooner or later he will resort to his defense mechanisms of avoiding contact and form the idea of jealousy.

Hysterical jealousy. Tantrums are very emotional, sensitive and demonstrative. They have a developed intuition and are used to being the center of attention of a loved one and not only. Tantrums are used to having fun. Hysterical jealousy always has a vivid emotional character and is often associated with suspicions of betrayal in the form of sex, and not spiritual intimacy. Jealousy often arises if sexual relations cool down and comes with the first manifestations of old age (wrinkles, gray hair). These two indicators form a belief in personal unattractiveness, and as a result, a certain justification is formed, in our case, treason. Jealous people are convinced that the partner has found or is looking for a younger and physically stronger person. The hysteric sharply and violently demonstrates his jealousy, begins to scream for no reason. His mood quickly changes from good to bad, there is no criticism of his actions, he calms down only in case of a scream or aggression from a partner. The actions of a jealous person are unusually theatrical, reminiscent of playing out a tragedy. In order to reduce the level of unreasonable jealousy, it is necessary to kindle a flame in sexual relations, to talk more often about the external attractiveness of a partner.

Obsessive-compulsive jealousy. People prone to this type of jealousy tend to form obsessive thoughts and actions. There are many workaholics and scientists among them. Their jealousy is saturated with rational explanations, facts, and is unemotional. Manifestations of jealousy are systemic, planned. For example, a person checks your phone exactly four times a day or eavesdrops only on evening phone conversations. Jealousy is similar to ritual actions. The reason for jealousy is the anger and fear imposed on the part of the parents, when they showed love only in return for homework done, a poem read or told. Thus, by performing certain actions, the jealous person protects himself from the loss of the object. Let the person perform his rituals, of course, if they are more or less normal. Remember that this is how they think they protect your relationship.

In any case, jealousy, one way or another, may be present in our relationship. It can be useful and warm up a cooled relationship. But it can destroy even the strongest alliance. “If you want to keep your husband, make him a little jealous of you; if you want to lose him, make him jealous of you a little more” (Henry Louis Mencken). Jealousy can keep you feeling in love. In a stable relationship, eliciting a little bit of jealousy is just as important as it is when a relationship starts. But here it is very important not to go too far. Causing jealousy in a partner, it is important not to forget to give him attention, care, your love. Remember that when playing with jealousy, it is important not to play too much. If there is too much jealousy, it becomes almost impossible to maintain a warm relationship.

Psychologists at the University of Delaware believe that both women and men are subject to blind jealousy. Two professors have found that in a moment of jealousy, people become so drunk on negativity that they are unable to distinguish objects in front of them. Therefore, at the moment when jealousy becomes pathological, that is, it is formed not on objective facts, but on internal deep problems, a similar blindness overcomes a person’s whole life and relationships. And then the most effective way out can be an appeal to an experienced psychologist. But to begin with, discuss with your partner your concerns about your own or his jealousy, clearly and unambiguously formulate your attitude towards him. And most importantly - do not forget to say words of love to each other.

The psychological service of the university is always with you!

(room 7 77, 81, office tel.: 053379567)

Can jealousy be useful?

There are probably no people who have never experienced jealousy in their lives. If not jealousy, then there were definitely doubts. For some, this happens without losing sanity and self-control, but for others, this feeling can seriously complicate life. Remember the classics: Othello, Carmen, Anna Karenina. Jealousy there is the basis of the ongoing tragedies. But can this feeling, on the contrary, play a positive role?

photo: wikipedia.org

Watch on Thursday, September 9, at 8.50 on the MIR TV channel, the series Love and the Sea, which is full of beautiful landscapes and pleasant melodies. And yet - mutual jealousy. According to the plot, the main characters of the film, Marina and Alexei, work in a small seaside sanatorium. Once they were a wonderful married couple, but over time, feelings have cooled. And then the beautiful and self-confident Liza arrives at the sanatorium. She intends to take Alexei out of the family at all costs. In response, an angry Marina goes for broke: she decides to also have an affair in order to force her husband to fight for their marriage.

Can jealousy really refresh fading feelings? Psychologists told about this in an interview with a correspondent of MIR 24.

Keep your partner in good shape

“Jealousy is the fuel that fuels relationships and stimulates partners. Her absence speaks of indifference, ”says the founder of an international marriage agency, psychologist Elena Tolkacheva .

“My friend lived with her husband for 10 years. Quietly, without swearing. Everyone lived their own life. Once at an event, she met a man who enveloped her in attention, compliments, and later gifts. She plunged into the novel without hesitation without a share of regret. Imagine her surprise when, after a couple of months, jealousy towards her husband began on the part of her lover. And then my friend felt that someone really needed. Self-esteem began to grow. At the same time, she shared with me: “Lena, can you imagine, my husband was never jealous of me. Why? Does he really care about me?" Tolkacheva says.

Soon her husband began to suspect her of infidelity. He finally got jealous. He did not know about the betrayal, but he realized that he could lose her forever. Since then, their relationship has improved.

photo: shutterstock.com

“However, in the manifestation of jealousy there should not be destructive behavior: restrictions on personal space, surveillance, checking the phone,” says the psychologist. “Anything that limits is sure to give a backlash. For example, a husband has sick jealousy, he forbids his wife to communicate with other men, he chooses her environment, dictates how she should dress, etc. Sooner or later it will lead to a break. In a toxic relationship, a normal person cannot be.

Dangerous games

According to psychologist, psychotherapist Andrey Smirnov , playing on feelings of jealousy is a rather dangerous undertaking.

“Jealousy is a destructive and destructive feeling that comes from self-doubt and false beliefs that a person can be owned,” says the specialist. - Living with a jealous person is very difficult, and sometimes simply dangerous. The number of cases of domestic violence associated with jealousy is quite high. Over the years, jealousy can intensify and acquire pathological forms. Therefore, the pathological jealousy of one of the spouses is a weighty reason for divorce.

But there are exceptions to any rule, the psychologist believes. Indeed, over time, sexual boredom sets in in any couple, feelings become dull, and a little jealousy can give a certain impulse to refresh the relationship.

photo: shutterstock.com

“In my practice, I encountered a client who, against the backdrop of even and faded family relationships, used a trick,” Andrey Smirnov continues. - She dressed sexy, preened for a long time, put on cosmetics, clearly showing her husband that she was going to a meeting somewhere. The husband did not reveal his excitement until the last. But, when she was already on the threshold, he did not let her go out the door. According to her, after that they had enchanting sex, which had not been for a long time.

“Nevertheless, this technique is manipulative and I cannot recommend it to everyone. It will work well for someone, but for someone the reaction can be very harsh, and instead of reviving feelings, a serious discord will occur, ”says the specialist.

It is not worth playing on the feeling of jealousy, as examples of murders and suicides on this basis are known. It is better to revive the relationship with a new image or role-playing games in a pair, the psychologist is sure.

From court balls to village round dances

In today's world, people are deprived of many traditional ways to freshen up relationships in a couple. “In the past, spouses from among the nobility had a wide range of opportunities to improve their status, their attractiveness in the eyes of each other,” says the founder of the International Institute of Psychosomatic Health, Sergei Martynov . - These are balls, and going out, and other social activities characteristic of that era. Many different mass events existed in the village culture. They allowed both a man and a woman to effectively present themselves, to demonstrate their attractiveness and relevance to their spouse or wife. And thereby increase your value in the eyes of the second half. In today's world, unfortunately, many of these opportunities have ceased to exist.

“We need to look for other ways to increase our value in marital relationships. It is necessary to make relationships in a couple so high-quality that they satisfy the needs that each person has - in love, respect, emotional closeness, as well as intellectual, bodily, sexual needs. The degree of their satisfaction is extremely important for finding happiness in family relationships - strong, long-lasting, deep,” says Sergey Martynov.

Relationships are work, and both partners work in them, reminds Elena Tolkacheva. You can feed them in many ways, but not treason. For example, to be beautiful, spectacular, self-sufficient, versatile, to improve all the time. This will please many men. This is possible and necessary. This boosts self-esteem. And yet - it makes her husband proud that next to him is a confident, spectacular woman. For him, this will be a kind of incentive. He will win his wife again and again and try to match her. And in such a relationship, the light will not go out.

Jealousy as a seasoning for relationships

According to Associate Professor of the Department of Personality Psychology and Differential Psychology of the Moscow Institute of Psychoanalysis Karina Chizhova , jealousy can be a partner game, but on condition that both partners perceive it as a game, and it is not followed by negative consequences. As soon as jealousy ceases to be a game, it can destroy relationships, the expert is sure. A real affair on the side can attract the attention of a partner, make him fight for the relationship, but most often this indicates that there are obvious problems in the marital relationship. Jealousy usually does not lead to anything good - it causes mistrust and increases the level of conflict in relationships.

photo: shutterstock.com

“In small doses, jealousy gives positive results in cases where the value of a partner has decreased, when relations between spouses have become sluggish and unpromising,” says Sergey Martynov. “The feeling of jealousy is one of the most powerful means, a motivator for transforming relationships, for refreshing feelings in a couple.”

However, you need to use this powerful tool carefully so that the whole structure of your relationship does not burn out from a spark of jealousy, the psychologist warns. Between spouses there should always be a lot of love and - just a little bit of jealousy.

Learn more