Need to be liked
Wanting to Be Liked vs. Needing to be Liked I Psych Central
Wanting to be liked could help you connect with the people in your life, but the need to be liked could lead to stress and anxiety.
The social side of human nature evolved from the need for cooperation to survive. Being liked meant being fed and protected.
Although it’s easier to manage independently in the modern world, people still benefit from social connections. A healthy social network could protect both your physical and mental health.
So it’s natural to want to be liked. If you enjoy people’s approval and feel a little bothered when people don’t like you, you’re not alone.
But a fixation on getting people’s approval at the expense of making your own choices could interfere with how you live your life.
Wanting to be liked is a human trait shared by most people. On the other hand, if you need to be liked, there are some telltale signs.
This could include:
- continuous efforts to please people
- willingness to do almost anything, including things you know are wrong or dangerous
- heightened anxiety when facing disapproval
- reluctance to stand out from the group or go against the grain
- fixation on a person who doesn’t seem to like you
Most people prefer approval over criticism. They want others to like them, and they feel bad when the feedback they get isn’t good.
But they can usually shake off disapproval and move on, and focus on the people who recognize their strengths.
If you feel persistent anxiety when someone doesn’t seem to like you, there are several possible reasons.
External locus of control
Your locus of control is what you perceive as the main causes of events in your life. There are two types:
- Internal locus of control. You believe that you control the direction of your life and have an influence over the events that happen.
- External locus of control. You feel that external influences determine the course of your life.
If you have an internal locus of control, you might see your job prospects as being connected to the amount of time and effort you put into education and training. Someone with an external locus of control might view factors such as the job market and economy as having more influence over career outcomes.
If you have the need to be liked, you might have an external locus of control. You might connect your self-worth with the number of people who like you, rather than how you feel about yourself.
Sociotropy is a state of being dependent on other people and a preoccupation with people-pleasing. It’s the opposite of autonomy, which is a state of independence and individuality.
Older research found a connection between sociotropy and external locus of control.
In other words, if you have an external locus of control, you might be more likely to be a people-pleaser who needs to be liked.
Trauma
Fawning as a trauma response could cause a person to be preoccupied with the needs and wants of others. Being likable means that you might be less likely to engage in conflict or receive criticism.
Needing to be liked could be a way of seeking safety.
Social anxiety disorder (SAD)
If you have social anxiety disorder, social situations could cause you a great deal of stress.
Fear of being judged negatively is a common characteristic of this type of anxiety.
A need to be liked becomes a fear of being rejected that’s severe enough to interfere with work, school, or any other type of social setting.
Anaclitic depression
Anaclitic means dependence on another person for emotional support.
Babies can experience anaclitic depression when separated long term from their primary caregiver. In adults, anaclitic depression could involve a preoccupation with the approval of others, as noted in a 2010 study.
Working to meet the high standards of other people could also play a role, according to the study.
Having the social and emotional support that you need from family members and friends might make you less likely to be concerned with everyone liking you.
It could even be liberating not to have the stress of living up to everyone’s expectations.
Not being liked has an upside. When you’re concerned with maintaining likeability, you might make choices based on the approval of others.
But when you’re not concerned about what others think, your choices might be ones that are better for you and better aligned with your values and goals.
If your need for approval from every person in your life is causing you stress, consider learning how to live without it.
Try asking yourself these questions.
Should everyone think the same way?
The attributes that make you likable to some people are the same qualities that could trigger dislike from others.
Social media and its polarizing discussion content demonstrate this concept well.
If the world is full of people with opposing views and differing opinions, is it logical to expect everyone to like you?
Does someone’s disapproval stop me from living my life?
Whether it’s a haircut, a hobby, or the possibility of a new career, consider whether you sacrifice the things you want in favor of someone else’s choice for you.
Can I change someone’s previous experiences?
There could be external factors over which you have no control that could influence whether a person likes you.
Maybe you remind them of someone they dislike or a bad experience they had.
Should I be the most important part of everyone else’s life?
While you worry about who likes you, the people you think about are probably concerned about who likes them.
It’s human nature for each person to see the world from their own perspective. So someone else’s opinion of you might not be their primary concern.
Should it be yours?
Can I succeed if people don’t like me?
Think about the people who inspire disapproval but still thrive. They don’t need everyone to like them, so why should you?
If I always agree with everyone around me, am I being myself?
Having an opinion that differs from that of a friend or family member doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re wrong. It simply means that you’re an individual with your own thoughts.
If the fear of being disliked causes you to hide your opinions, you might not be living authentically.
Am I spending too much time on social media?
Your time spent giving and receiving likes, shares, and comments could be setting you up for self-esteem that’s dependent on approval from others.
A 2016 study links social media use to a reliance on external validation, which could lead to self-doubt and the need to feel liked by others.
What would happen if I didn’t try to please everyone?
You could start small — for example, try to give your honest feedback about a movie you saw with a friend. Or say that you’re busy if the idea of a weekend gathering isn’t appealing.
You might find that the people in your life still value you.
Should I get counseling?
If you’re experiencing anxiety or distress from continuously trying to live up to the expectations of others, counseling could provide you with helpful coping strategies.
As humans, we’re hardwired to want acceptance. While most people can accept that not everyone will like them, others can’t and have a need to be liked by everyone.
If you have that need, there might be an underlying reason driving it such as past trauma or anxiety.
You could create stress in your life when you continuously try to please everyone.
If your need to please everyone comes at a detriment to your day-to-day life, consider speaking with a mental health professional.
If you don’t know where to start, try our find help page. You could also ask a healthcare professional for a referral.
How to Unlearn Your Need to Be Liked
August 8, 2018
Take a second and notice if you’ve thought one of these things today:
●︎ Do they like what I do?
●︎ Do they like what I say?
●︎ Do they like what I think?
●︎ Do they like what I create?
●︎ Do they like how I look?
●︎ Do they like me?
If we could do a virtual “show of hands,” my guess is that everyone reading this would have one—if not two—in the air. Whether it’s at work, before you post that #beachday pic on Instagram, or even while tucking your kids into bed, these “Do they like me—do they really like me?!” thoughts love to pop up.
Why: It’s human to want to be liked. Case-in-point: Even Beyoncé has dealt with a desire to be liked.
It’s human to want to be liked.
In a new interview for Vogue, the Queen Bey herself opened up about needing approval early on in her career:
”I look at the woman I was in my 20s and I see a young lady growing into confidence but intent on pleasing everyone around her. I now feel so much more beautiful, so much sexier, so much more interesting. And so much more powerful.”
Yup, that’s Beyoncé saying that even she felt the need to make everyone around her happy.
We Do It For the Likes
So, why do we all care so much about people pleasing? Being liked is actually a fundamental human need, according to Roger Covin, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist.
Covin explains in his book The Need to Be Liked that our need for social acceptance grew out of our desire to physically survive—back in the day, we had to build shelter, find food, and defend ourselves every single day. It was all a lot easier to do in a team.
To join a crew: You had to either have a skill that would benefit the group and/or be liked by people in the group.
Our brains haven’t caught up to the fact that we’re not defending ourselves from wild animals anymore—so we continue to people please. “In other words, we are hardwired to seek acceptance and avoid rejection,” Covin explains.
And, as Beyoncé learned firsthand, it can keep us from unlocking our full potential.
According to Psychology Today, our need to be liked can keep us from doing things that matter to us (but what will they think?), trying new things (but what will they think if I’m not good at it?), and, of course, lead to stress about meeting expectations (how can I make them like me?).
Basically, it can stop us from finding and living as our true selves.
You might be thinking: Sure, if I had the financial and creative freedom of Beyoncé, I could definitely stop people pleasing.
Yes, we still have to get along with our bosses, our co-workers, Erin in accounting, our spouses, our subway companions.
But here's the thing: resisting your people-pleasing reflex isn’t about being rude or writing off responsibilities—it’s about going after things your way and for you (even a relationship or promotion or interaction) instead of chasing someone else’s kudos.
Here, a few ways to start shifting from “people pleaser” to doing things for you:
1. See Yourself as an Ink Blot
The hard truth: Not everyone is going to like you. But a lot of the reason why has nothing to do with you.
Covin told The Cut that the whole “do they like me?” game is similar to a Rorschach test. If you’re not familiar with the test: It involves showing someone an abstract inkblot and asking them what they see to learn more about their psychological state (ex. Two dogs high-fiving while wearing tutus). Everyone can see something different in the splotches of ink—and that’s similar to how people view you.
“What a person sees says more about them than it does the inkblot, and the same thing is true interpersonally,” Covin told The Cut.
“The very qualities that make you likable to one person are the exact same qualities that will make you unlikable to another person.”
Basically, it’s not totally on you if someone likes you or not. And a number of factors can influence how a person sees you, even something as simple as how their day is going. If one person’s hungry, Covin says, it can even shift how they see you.
"The very qualities that make you likable to one person are the exact same qualities that will make you unlikable to another person.” - Roger Covin, Ph.D.
The whole “likability” thing is largely out of your control—so why shift all your behaviors to please others when just skipping breakfast could change their mind?
2. Disapproval Is Normal
It can also help to remind yourself that it’s normal not be liked by everyone. Robert Leahy, Ph.D., writes that “normalizing disapproval” can release some of the pressure to be liked.
“Do you know anyone who is approved of by everyone they meet?” he writes.
"If everyone has someone who doesn’t like something that he or she says or does—and they still survive and thrive—then why would you be the one person who has to have universal approval?”
It’s a bit of tough love—but it can help break up the “Why don’t they like me?” thought pattern.
3. Untangle Your Worth From the ‘Likes’
When we tie our worth to likes from others—both real and digital—we lose ownership of our self-esteem, confidence, and all those good feels that can help us withstand not being liked.
To help reset your perspective, Elliot D. Cohen, Ph.D., suggests reminding yourself that your worth doesn’t need approval. “Reframe the misguided assumption that approval will somehow bring you self-worth, dignity, and happiness,” he writes.
Your worth doesn't need approval.
Try telling yourself: “I am a worthy person whether or not I have the approval of others.” Repeat it until it starts to feel true.
4.
Just Do It—For YouThe classic Nike saying “Just Do It” deserves a little addition to the end: “Just do it for you.”
No, I don’t mean selfishly only do things that serve to benefit you—what I mean is pursue the things you need to or want to do in a way that is wholly you and driven by you. Even just mentally shifting what’s driving you from someone else to yourself can help.
“When you’re driven to achieve solely because you want to impress others, you wind up doing too much, feeling overwhelmed, getting lost in your thoughts about your challenges, people-pleasing, overworking, avoiding making time for yourself, and constantly finding yourself unable to say no,” Ilene Strauss Cohen, Ph.D., explains for Psychology Today.
Next time you’re trying to create or achieve something—whether it’s a work project or a new song on the guitar—step back and ask yourself: Who am I doing this for? Is it just to impress someone? If so, take note.
Ask yourself: Who am I doing this for?
If you’re in people-pleasing mode, try to reconnect with your why.
Why do you want to see this thing through for you?
Remember the reason you started—especially if it’s a creative endeavor.
As David Bowie puts it, “Always remember that the reason you initially started working was there was something inside yourself that, if you could manifest it, you felt you would understand more about yourself.”
5. Ask Yourself: What Can I Still Do If I’m Not Liked?
Surprise: You can still live a big life if you’re not liked by everyone. If, say, that stranger in the elevator wasn’t into your morning banter, Leahy writes that reminding yourself of all the opportunities that still exist can help.
“What can you still do (even if someone doesn't like you)?” he writes. “Can you see your partner, your family, your kids, your friends, and your co-workers? Can you still engage in all the activities that you engaged in before? If you can pretty much can do everything you did before, then what difference does it make if someone doesn’t like what you say—or if they dislike you?”
6.
Start SmallFinally, don’t expect yourself to get over your “people pleasing” tendencies overnight. Again, this thing is hardwired in us—so it takes time and practice to change it up. Beyoncé said it took her years!
Start small by pursuing one thing a day just for you, not the approval, retweets, or likes of someone else.
Maybe it’s watching that Netflix movie for youths (hey, The Kissing Booth) for the 10th time, even though your friends think it’s “garbage.” Or, maybe it’s remixing that daily task so it feels more you. Or, maybe it’s even belting “Halo” with the windows down and laughing at the looks from the people in the cars around you.
“Start asking yourself questions like, what do I value? What keeps me awake at night? How is it that I prefer to spend my time?” Cohen suggests. “Start to listen to what you really want for your life, and align your actions with your values, principles, and goals. Instead of making decisions based on what others will approve of, start making them based on what’s right for you.
”
"Instead of making decisions based on what others will approve of, start making them based on what’s right for you."-Ilene Strauss Cohen, Ph.D.
As Beyoncé said in her interview, it’s a journey. “There are many shades on every journey,” she told Vogue. “Nothing is black or white. I’ve been through hell and back, and I’m grateful for every scar.”
Embrace the journey and know there's still time to grow. Then, make like Beyoncé and start building your worth from the inside.
Read Next: The Gorgeous Reality of Not Being Well-Liked by Everyone
Why you shouldn't strive to please everyone
November 12, 2014Life
Why shouldn't you strive to please everyone? Why will the desire to please others never make us happy? You will find answers to these questions in our article.
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0I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everyone.
Bill Cosby
Many of us strive to please everyone. Today we will talk about why nothing good will come of it.
It's impossible
It's impossible to please absolutely everyone. You can, of course, try, but your attempt will fail miserably.
Remember the good old expression "How many people, so many opinions"? Even if someone considers you the most wonderful person in the world, there will always be someone who will think completely differently.
So it is impossible and absolutely unnecessary to strive to please everyone. Otherwise, you can become like Molchalin from Woe from Wit, whose famous line many of us remember from school:0003
My father bequeathed to me: firstly, to please all people without exception - the owner, where I happen to live, the boss, with whom I will serve, his servant who cleans dresses, the porter, the janitor, to avoid evil, the janitor's dog, so that was affectionate.
The opinions of others are just opinions, not the ultimate truth.
If you strive to please everyone, then you begin to take to heart everything that other people say about you. Even the smallest remark that another person made to you can spoil your mood for the whole day.
Remember that you don't always have to take what other people say seriously. As someone once said: “A compliment can be said out of pity, and disgusting out of envy.”
In any case, all opinions are subjective. Adjusting to those around you, you will live not your own, but someone else's life.
Not all opinions matter to you
Why do you think all these people are so important to you? What difference does it make to you what, by and large, people who are completely strangers to you think about you?
Many of those around you, whose opinions you so exalt, will never lend a helping hand when you are in trouble. Why, some of them won't pick up the phone when you just need to talk to someone.
So is it worth considering their opinions so important?
Listen to the opinions and comments of close people - those who really care about you. But the advice of all other comrades, who are nobody for you, as well as you for them, push into the background.
It won't make you happy
Many people place too much importance on the opinions of others. Relax, because even if most of your acquaintances idolize you, it still won't make you happy.
Happiness lies in inner self-confidence and in one's own strength, and not in the opinions of others.
People just love to criticize and condemn others
This is one of the most beloved human activities. No matter how good and wonderful you think you are, there will still be people who will criticize you for your appearance, your behavior or your views. It is impossible to be perfect in everything, and those around you cling to any of your shortcomings, blunders or mistakes with pleasure.
And no, people won't necessarily do it out of hatred or dislike for you, it's just that many people really enjoy criticizing others.
Nobody knows you better than yourself. So do not worry about the subjective assessments of others.
You have more important things to do
You have a job, hobbies, loved ones and a bunch of your own things to do. So why waste time thinking about how to be good for everyone? More important and interesting things are waiting for you.
You can lose yourself
Listening to the opinions of others, trying to please everyone and not disappoint anyone, you can lose your "I".
People will always try to force something of their own on you. A dad who wants you to be a doctor like himself. The mom who urges you to go to law school because she thinks being a lawyer is a lucrative and promising profession. Friends who are going to become great actors and invite you to the theater school for the company.
First of all, you can't go crazy and please everyone. In any case, someone will have to refuse. And secondly, always ask yourself: “What do I want?”.
Do as you see fit, even if you make a mistake, you make YOUR mistake.
You don't owe anything to anyone.
You didn't come into this world to live up to my expectations. Just like I didn't come here to justify yours.
Frederick Perls
You don't have to strive to please everyone, and you don't have to worry that someone out there doesn't like you.
Live your life.
What do you think about this?
8 ways to please people more
September 2, 2016Relationships
Being able to please people guarantees you success in almost any field. It is not very difficult to arouse sympathy and quickly make friends. Try to smile more often, watch your body language and make the interlocutor feel like the most important person in the universe.
Iya Zorina
Lifehacker Author, Athlete, CCM
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01.
Smile It sounds simple, but it really works. The brain responds to a smile (even if it’s not entirely sincere) with the release of endorphins, which lifts the mood. Plus, a smile is contagious.
For people, your body language and facial expressions are much more important than words or tone of voice. Your smile is an invitation to immediately relax, it is disarming and creates a pleasant atmosphere.
“Although you shouldn't just smile at everyone,” says Tim Sanders, author of The Likeability Factor. The smile must be real. Either way, you should always smile back.”
When you smile back, you are both friendly and sincere. Often people do not respond with a smile if, for example, they do not know the person who smiled at them well.
When you return the smile, it's like you're saying, "I like you too." This makes you more attractive to the other person.
2. Watch your body language
We are not as far removed from our cave ancestors as we would like to think.
Our brain still continues to look for danger in the environment and evaluate the degree of threat from other people by their body language.
To please a person, you must not be dangerous. Therefore, along with a smile, you can use other visual cues: raise your eyebrows, tilt your head to the side.
Tilt the head to access the carotid artery. This is how you demonstrate trust. It sounds strange, but it proves once again that we are not as far removed from our wild ancestors as we would like to think.
Kathryn/Flickr.comOur brains are constantly on the lookout for threats in our environment. Stressful situations, such as an interview or meeting with clients, are rated as potentially dangerous. After that, a defensive reaction is activated, and the body unconsciously assumes a defensive position.
By eliminating the physical cues of tension and replacing them with a smile and an open body position, you will cope with this reaction, feel less stressed and look more attractive to other people.
3. Make others feel good
If you want people to like you, make them feel better in your presence, see themselves in a favorable light. You need to shift the focus from yourself and pay more attention to those with whom you communicate.
There are many ways to do this: gratitude, recognition, direct eye contact, compliments, asking for advice. All these ways make other people feel important, correct, wise.
Avoid direct flattery - it is alarming and repulsive. Instead, carefully observe the person's condition. For example, if he looks happy, ask, "Did you have a good day?" If your interlocutor answers: “I just closed the deal,” you can say: “You must have done a good job.” The person will leave you in a good mood and treat you better in the future.
4. Get involved
Moiggi Interactive/Flickr.com If you make the other person feel like the most important person in the world during a conversation, you will automatically become more attractive and enjoyable to them.
Turn off and put away your phone, look the person in the eye, fully immerse yourself in the conversation. If you come to dine together, do not pay attention to anyone else, except, perhaps, the waiter.
As you speak, evaluate the details of your surroundings. Maybe between you and your interlocutor there is a barrier of glasses or cups? If so, remove it.
5. Be interesting
The most interesting and significant person for every person is himself. That is why people love to talk about themselves.
Start by asking the person about their favorite projects or activities, about something that really excites them. Listen carefully to what he says. These conversations often don't even last five minutes, but they will be the best five minutes of your conversation.
You can then ask clarifying questions to learn a little more (but don't turn it into an interrogation), or listen and share similar experiences. When you share your story, you connect, you find something in common, and people love to connect with people who are similar to them.
Finding common ground is a classic technique that helps build rapport. You can find common activities, work moments, hobbies, but this will take time. The easiest and most effective way is to find common ground in the person of a mutual friend who works in the same field as your interlocutor.
6. Be visible
We like to communicate with familiar people: with colleagues, neighbors or people we often meet at the gym.
“Familiarity has a simple effect on people, which means more visibility,” says Theo Tsaousides, neuropsychologist and author of Brainblocks: Overcoming the Seven Hidden Barriers to Success. the 7 Hidden Barriers to Success).
Presence is important, but it must not be allowed to turn into persecution. For example, you can drink coffee in the morning in the same cafe as the person you want to like, or comment on his posts on social networks.
This is a way to show yourself, to let you know that you remember this person.
7. Give more and help
Whoever you meet, think about how you can help that person first. It does not always pay off immediately, but when the time comes, it works 100%.
When you help someone, you show that you appreciate that person. This is a whole philosophy that contributes to building relationships with others.
If you take such a position in life, you begin to think differently. If you consider the business sphere, then you begin to treat customers differently. You are already thinking not only about how to benefit from them, but also about how to make them more valuable and meaningful.
Tim Sanders has an easy way to achieve this goal. In the course of each conversation, you should strive to give advice or give something to the interlocutor. This will make you stand out from other people and make you more attractive.
8. Respect other people's opinions
You don't have to agree with everyone, but your interlocutors should feel they have been heard.
