Letting someone love you
3 Ways To Let Someone Love You Deeply
Most of us are looking for true love and a meaningful relationship. Yet, most of the time we tend to push people away because we are too scared to let love into our lives. We are scared of getting hurt and getting our hearts broken. And with good reason. But it doesn’t have to be this way. You can let someone love you fully and show your vulnerable side without getting hurt. Love can heal you if you let it.
Intimacy can be downright terrifying.
I have had dozens of clients over the past few years who have described a sense of fear in allowing someone to see them emotionally. They feared getting close. They feared being comforted. They feared to lay their heads down on their partner’s chest because the “what ifs” in their minds wouldn’t quiet down for a moment to let them enjoy themselves.
As a personal survivor of a few awful breakups, this resistance to intimacy makes complete sense to me. Our minds go to great lengths to avoid repeating past pain. If the script in your mind is telling you “Remember the last time you opened up to someone? It really didn’t end well for you…” then you will have a natural reluctance to opening up to anyone else.
But you must.
For your emotional fulfillment, and that of your partners, you have to learn how to let people in.
Related: 3 Subconscious Reasons You Might Fear Intimacy in Relationships
You can amass a perfect structure of health, wealth, and personality… but if it is all a front to keep people at arm’s distance then you won’t ever be truly fulfilled.
Maybe there was an awful breakup. Maybe someone cheated. Or someone made you feel not good enough.
And you’re afraid to let someone in.
By learning to choose vulnerability and let someone see you for who you are, you will gain access to a world of fulfillment, joy, creativity, and blissful love.
3 Ways To Let Someone Love You Deeply
Table of Contents
1.
Figure Out Your Emotional Patterns.Everyone has them, but few people are aware of what they are.
Maybe you’re a child of divorce. Maybe someone broke your heart. Maybe your parents had such a perfect marriage that you’re afraid that you can’t live up to it.
Whatever lies in your emotional past, there’s a good chance that there are a few stones left unturned.
Our thoughts and beliefs are largely run by our subconscious mind. It’s what I call the “Iceberg effect”. You’re aware of the 10% of the ice that’s above the waterline, but in reality, it’s the 90% of the ice that’s hidden from view that runs the show.
How do you figure out what these blind spots are? You may need someone to help you with that.
Whether it’s a highly attuned and emotionally skilled lover, a therapist or a specialized coach, some external perspective on your situation is the most effective way to see what’s really running your emotional life.
2.
Communication.Once you figure out what your fears and emotional patterns are telling you, make sure you let your partner in on them.
Communicate with your partner early and often so that when your “thing” comes up, it isn’t as much of a surprise and you’ll both feel like you have more control over the situation.
If words are too difficult to use when you start to feel vulnerable, establish a signal between the two of you that means “my insecurity/fear/thing is coming up right now and I need you to love me through it/be patient with me/give me a moment of space.”
There are no hard and fast rules about what intimacy should look like so figure out the road map that makes the most sense to the two of you.
Make an effort to become experts in loving each other in the way that each of you needs.
Related: 6 Ways To Increase Emotional Intimacy In Your Significant Relationships.
3. Let Them Love You When You Need It The Most.
There will be times when your fear/insecurity/thing will come up and you will want to push your partner away. This is your shame speaking and it is up to you and your partner to help you navigate these sometimes scary moments.
Let your partner help you when you feel at your weakest… they want to help you through your old pain.
Shame whispers in your ear “If I let them see me at my weakest, then they’ll find out how unworthy of love I am and they will leave me.”
Love says “I can tell that my partner wants to help me right now, and I also want them to help me. So I will let them.”
Your partner isn’t turned off by your moment of “weakness”. In fact, being able to let your partner see you in this state actually makes them feel more trusted and close with you.
So let them in. You, your partner, and your relationship will benefit.
Let your partner love youWhy Is Intimacy So Scary?What we desire the most, we often fear.
You want to be loved so deeply and seen so completely by someone that you feel like they can read your thoughts just by looking into your eyes… but you also fear that when they find out all of the things you’ve kept hidden from people all of these years that they won’t like what they find and they will abandon you.
But just like courage is about acting in spite of your fear (as opposed to not feeling any fear), true intimacy comes from letting someone see you despite your reservations (as opposed to not having any reservations in the first place).
Nobody is immune to the fear of letting someone in. And those that deny it’s existence are generally the most firmly entrenched in their denial.
Love will always be a risk. But you can either risk letting someone see you for who you are, or you can risk not having ever experienced true intimacy.
If you don’t put yourself out there and make mistakes in life, you will eternally ask yourself “What if I had tried? Who could I have loved? Who could I have been if only I pushed myself that extra step?”
So take a deep breath… tell your trusted lover what you need… and then have the courage to receive it from them.
Dedicated to your success,
Jordan
Written by Jordan Gray Originally appeared in Jordan GrayConsultingHow To Let Someone Love Youhow to let someone love you
emotional intimacy, intimacy, intimacy in relationships, true intimacy
Jordan Gray
Sex and relationship coach Jordan Gray helps people remove their emotional blocks and maintain thriving intimate relationships. You can see more of his writing at JordanGrayConsulting.com
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How to Open Yourself Up and Let Love In
On some level, we all fear being hurt emotionally. This can sometimes cause us to avoid situations that have any potential for leading to a painful outcome. But this is an example of playing things too safe.
It’s difficult to experience all of life’s pleasures if we’re afraid to risk trying them out. This is why it is so important to remain open to new experiences, be brave, and let our guard down.
Why We Are Afraid to Let Love In
We may put up a wall at first place because we have worries or fears about love and closeness, or ultimately getting hurt or abandoned. One of the biggest factors that get in our way of experiencing love fully and euphorically is our fear of vulnerability. We perceive vulnerability to be a “weakness” or flaw in our character, but it is quite the contrary.
A vulnerable person is a strong and generally happy person who allows themselves to be open so that they can love fully and most importantly, accept love fully. Yes, you have a risk of getting hurt, but you have a risk of getting hurt either way it goes.
Why not hurt while having loved happily and deeply rather than being hurt while having not had much of any of it? Also, it is those people who are brave enough to be vulnerable and open themselves to love that when they do get hurt, heal much quicker.
While there are certainly people out there who will be hurtful and insensitive, there are just as many who will actually be caring and considerate, and improve our lives.
It’s not fair to us or to them that they are kept out because of the actions of others.
If we make a plan and plant our feet, we can let the right people in and have the fulfilling relationships we yearn for naturally.
Here are a few ways to open yourself up and let love in.
#1) List Your Fears
Knowing exactly what we don’t want can be a great way to get what we do want by being able to recognize when we shouldn’t settle. The key here is not to write out your fears so that you can keep them at the forefront of your mind, but to recognize them in ways to challenge the validity while finding ways to let them go.
Fear is a powerful emotion in that it creates far quicker than any other human emotion out there. If we stay focused on our fears, we attract more of the things that we fear into our lives. A great way to combat the level to which your mind keeps something you are afraid of at its forefront would be to list the fears, cross them out one by one, and then replace them with someone that you want and desire in your life.
Related: What Is Love & How Can You Keep It Alive?
#2) List Your Goals
Once you have crossed out your fears, begin to keep your mind’s focus on what you do want in your life. Therefore, a list of things that we do want will help us narrow down the people we think might be right for us. It can also help us decide where we might find the right person or what friendships are healthy to maintain in our lives. If one goal is “spend quiet time with someone” we might hang around a library instead of a popular bar. Obviously no one is going to fit all of our needs or every goal on the list, but even fulfilling a few desires can make for a great match.
#3) Know Your Emotions
Feelings can be extremely confusing as they don’t always have rational thoughts attached to them. This is OK. We don’t need to have an explicit reason for everything we feel, but we have to allow ourselves to experience that feeling without judgment. We can’t withhold our anger and sadness because we “shouldn’t feel them.
” They are natural, and the more we recognize our emotions, the more we can respond to them appropriately.
However, it is important to engage in self-dialogue in order to determine when some feelings are a result of an irrational thought or fear, and find ways to let them go. The sooner we let go of irrational thoughts and fears that result in unwanted emotions or moods, the quicker we will have room for more love, positive emotions, and happier moods.
#4) Trust Your Intuition
We’ve all made poor romantic decisions in the past, and have received all kinds of advice about what we “should” do. But everyone has different opinions and needs. Friends and family mean well and want to see us happy, but ultimately the decision is ours who we will let into our lives. We can listen to the advice of loved ones, but employ the actions that seem appropriate to us – we know ourselves better than anyone else. Self dialogue is also important in that it encourages us to listen to ourselves, to follow our intuition and our “gut” feelings.
A thousand random thoughts enter our minds at any given moment, the ones that affect us are the ones we attach meaning to. We have to be picky with the ones we attach a meaning to. We have to be choosey with what actually carries weight so that we can make healthier and more rational choices in our lives. If we take the time to challenge our thoughts and explore them, we are more likely to have a clearer and more keen sense of intuition and make decisions that are more conducive to our own happiness.
Related: 7 Simple Ways to Grow Relationships That Last
#5) Focus on the Present
It’s impossible to move forward successfully while looking backward the whole time. It’s good to learn from the past, but we have to believe the future holds new and different experiences. Talk about plans and goals, not regrets or even nostalgia about the past. It can be difficult to be optimistic when we’re feeling uncertain, but even if we don’t feel full of hope, we can keep our eyes up and prepare for the next unknown chapter.
Although focusing on the future can give us hope, motivation, and some courage, it is important to even do this in small doses. Most importantly, and above all, it is important that we remain in the present. The current moment and day is what deserves our attention. Sometimes we get so caught up in the past and even the future that we forget to focus on the love or attention our loved ones need in a given moment.
Everything should be within in balance and reason, spend just enough time remembering the past in order to plan your future just a bit, we need those moments because they shape us. However, spend the most time remaining present, enjoying your present moment. If for any reason the present is unbearable or makes you unhappy, that is a big sign for something needs to change!
Find ways to make your present happier in its moment and a one way ticket to that is gratitude. To find gratitude in the worst of the worst, because everything in our lives is hear to teach us, to help us grow, and to help bring us closer to unconditional, fulfilling, and sensational love.
#6) Let People In
Trusting a stranger sounds crazy, but that’s not the goal. The first few steps of weeding out what is and isn’t wanted, and focusing on potential new experiences will ensure only a few desirable individuals are being allowed past our wall. Steadily we can give these people more of our trust and test the waters. Without this crucial step, a relationship can’t go anywhere. This requires a level of vulnerability that may feel uncomfortable, but in the end pays off, even if it just turns out to be a learning experience, which again brings us full circle to gratitude. Life at it’s best.
The same cycles will continue to occur, we will go from love to vulnerability to love to sadness to hurt to love and back around again. In the end, its a right of passage as a human to experience pain and love over and over again. You will go through these inevitable experiences either way. However you have two choices, you can go through them with the eyes of gratitude in a pleasant way, or you can go through them kicking in screaming making them far more painful and hurtful than they need to be.
When you choose to experience your lessons in the best way possible, you are more likely to not go through them again, because the lesson has been complete, you have then learned.
Related: How Can Couples Therapy Help Your Relationship?
#7) Don’t Fear Failure
Things don’t always work out – this is why some of us have put up walls in the first place. But heartbreak is not the end of the world. And if we plant our feet and plan accordingly, we don’t even have to be destroyed when a romantic interest doesn’t stick around. Muscles grow by tearing and being rebuilt, and the heart is the most important muscle in the human body.
As humans we are naturally social creatures. Most of us prefer not to be alone (though there is nothing wrong with wanting to be alone) and should not feel we have no other choice. Often if relationships haven’t worked out before it is because we haven’t found the right person, and locking all potential partners out of our lives isn’t going to help that.
Start Letting More Love In
Love — whether it is romantic, platonic, or family love — is a huge part of the human experience. Use these tips to see how you can make small changes to invite more love of all kinds into your life.
If you still feel blocked when it comes to opening yourself, Loving Life Today is here to help. Contact our office to learn about our in-office and virtual therapy and counseling services. Our team is here to help you find ways to break down your walls and welcome more love into your life.
And for more tips on how to cultivate better habits, download our free ebook. It includes 75 tips for making small changes that can help you live a happier, healthier life. Download it for free today.
You deserve love in your life, and we’re here to help you find it.
Psychologist's blog: how to love yourself once and for all
- Elena Savinova
- Psychologist
Photo by Rowan Staszkiewicz/PA Wire This common advice, like a magic pill for all ills, remains an abstract category for many.
It is annoying, because it is perceived as another "hold on" or "take care of yourself." And it looks like a mockery of a person who is already having a hard time.
A lot of problems - because one has not been solved
- I went to a psychologist because there were a lot of problems, - says a pretty, but tired woman. - It was necessary to decide how to continue to live with her husband, whether to forgive him for treason. There is also a problem with my son - he has become completely naughty, you cannot force him to do his homework. And I also had a fight with my mom. And the psychologist advised me to take care of myself. Like, love yourself - and everything will work out. Yeah, now I'm going to drop everything and start loving myself. Good thing he didn't take the money.
And although the woman kept asking why she was so unlucky, saying that she did everything right, that she was a good wife and mother, her situation is quite typical.
For those who are accustomed to neglect their own interests, living the needs of other people.
When you say this to our selfless mothers, grandmothers, reliable employees, they sincerely do not understand where they made a mistake. They wanted the best. That's just a question - better to whom and for whom. As it turned out - just not for them.
I don't want to and I won't
The author of the photo, Science Photo Library
For many people, especially people with sacrificial inclinations, who are unsure of themselves, the concept of self-love is associated with selfishness and does not coincide with their worldview. I note right away that loving yourself and being an egoist or a narcissist are two different things.
Egoism is based on excessive anxiety and fear of rejection by others. Indeed, in the depths of his soul, such a person is sure that there is nothing to love him for. However, he is in dire need of recognition, so he tries to emphasize his own significance with external effects.
- Psychologist's blog: about narcissists and how to recognize them
- Psychologist's blog: is it okay not to love a sister or brother?
- Psychologist's blog: why do we tell lies?
Almost all of us have been taught to be obedient (convenient for others), to help - usually against our will. And as a rule, they were ashamed if we did not fulfill the requirements of adults just because we simply did not want to.
For example, the standard situation, when he didn't learn his lessons because he played football or didn't sit with his younger sister, but went to the cinema, was perceived by parents as a crime and was severely punished. As a result, the children understood that doing what you want is a shame. Moreover, even wanting something pleasant only for oneself is somehow bad.
On the other hand, if you try all the time, endure, prove something to someone, they praise you, it means they love you.
So you are good. That is, in order to be loved, you need to do not what you want, but what they want from you.
Remember what you want
Now it is clear where the fears and complexes of those who are used to the idea that love is suffering, love must be sought, and happiness must be fought for, are rooted.
It would seem that it is possible to live like this, and many live as if not their own life, without thinking about their own needs. But muffled desires, unrealized interests remind of themselves with irritation, neurosis, a feeling that you are not living, but wasting time.
Image copyright, In Pictures Ltd./Corbis via Getty Images
Photo caption,Be guided by your own desires when making any decision, the psychologist advises
That's why you need to return to yourself or - to love yourself. This is not as difficult to do as it seems. The main principle is that when making any decision: from what to eat for breakfast, what dress to wear, to where and with whom to live, be guided solely by your own desires.
This may initially cause internal resistance. After all, you are used to living for someone and have unlearned wanting something. Moreover, you yourself, oddly enough, were somewhat more comfortable this way, since it allowed you to avoid responsibility for everyday decisions. They did it because the husband wanted it, it was better for the parents. So, you are just an executor of someone else's will.
"I didn't even know it was possible"
A client who complained about life, looking at it from a different angle, suddenly understood. She hasn’t wanted to live the way she used to for a long time, but she herself was afraid to make a decision. Therefore, she "grabbed" her husband's betrayal, the fact of which, by the way, has not been proven. And she came to a psychologist so that he would decide what to do.
As a result, my husband and I temporarily separated. Solving problems in family life, the woman was distracted from excessive custody of her son.
And he, realizing that no one would do his homework for him, as was customary, began to study himself. Feeling that his mother was not up to him, he even cleaned the room and washed the dishes.
"Forgetting" about the offense, the client just called her mother, who, by the way, was in conflict with her daughter precisely because, in her opinion, she abandoned her career ambitions and devoted herself to her family. Contrary to expectations, the mother also supported her daughter and suggested that her grandson live with her for a while.
One on top?
Image copyright EyesWideOpen/Getty Images
People who decide to "love themselves" often ask if their loved ones, relatives and friends will not turn away from them, so obsessed with themselves. And, they say, will they not be left alone at the top of their own perfection.
Anxiety about what others will think is just the evidence that a person does not yet love himself.
He is still worried about how his decision will be perceived, whether he will hurt someone, whether he will offend. As well as about the habit that has not yet been eradicated to "earn" a good attitude towards oneself, to pay for it with words and deeds.
To be honest, there will be fewer people in your orbit. Those who are used to using your self-doubt will depart. Those for whom you were a convenient cat and house flower guardian, a free driver, a source of interest-free long-term credit and a vest. But why do you need them?
- Psychologist's blog: how to get rid of the victim complex?
- Psychologist's blog: how to accept the real you?
- Psychologist's blog: how to recognize unhealthy relationships in time and change the rules of the game
Having learned to listen to yourself, you yourself will not deal with those who will criticize, insult you, just to avoid loneliness.
You no longer want to suffer for the sake of love. Whether the relationship brings joy - that's what will be the main criterion.
To fall in love means, first of all, to accept yourself and not to look for constant confirmation whether you are smart enough, beautiful, interesting enough. When you no longer need to prove your right to be yourself and seek approval in the eyes of outsiders, you yourself will significantly narrow your social circle. You will be interested even with yourself. And now you will choose friends, like everything else in life.
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People strive for love and, having tried at least a little someone else's love, they become obsessed. It's drugs... ▷ Socratify.Net
RELATED QUOTATIONS
RELATED QUOTATIONS
You can realize that people have the right to think differently from what you think and not to do what you expect them to do.
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If you allow yourself to joke, people don't take you seriously. And these same people do not understand that there is much that cannot be endured, if not to joke.
Ernest Hemingway (50+)
Love is not “you are to blame”, but “let's talk”.
Unknown author (1000+)
Not “where are you”, but “I am here”.
Not "how could you", but "I understand you".
Not "I wish you were", but "thank you for being you".
Life without love is not life, but existence. That is why the soul was given to man, to love.
Maxim Gorky (100+)
They say that those people who lack love get dogs, and those who need someone to love get cats.
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Do what you love - freedom,
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And to love what you do is happiness.
My philosophy of life is simple: I need to love someone, wait for something and do something.
Elvis Presley (10+)
- What will you do tomorrow?
Elchin Safarli (100+)
- I don't know. I will live...
To love this world, to love its light.
For what it has, for what it doesn't have.
To love just like that, for living,
For what you take and what you give.
Love for freedom and beauty,
His perfection, his simplicity.
