The fear of people leaving you

Fear of Abandonment: Overview, Symptoms, and Treatment

Fear of abandonment is the overwhelming worry that people close to you will leave.

Anyone can develop a fear of abandonment. It can be deeply rooted in a traumatic experience you had as a child or a distressing relationship in adulthood.

If you fear abandonment, it can be almost impossible to maintain healthy relationships. This paralyzing fear can lead you to wall yourself off to avoid getting hurt. Or you might be inadvertently sabotaging relationships.

The first step in overcoming your fear is to acknowledge why you feel this way. You may be able to address your fears on your own or with therapy. But fear of abandonment may also be part of a personality disorder that needs treatment.

Continue reading to explore the causes and long-term effects of a fear of abandonment and when you should seek help.

You may fear that someone you love is going to physically leave and not come back. You may fear that someone will abandon your emotional needs. Either can hold you back in relationships with a parent, partner, or friend.

Fear of emotional abandonment

It may be less obvious than physical abandonment, but it’s no less traumatic.

We all have emotional needs. When those needs aren’t met, you may feel unappreciated, unloved, and disconnected. You can feel very much alone, even when you’re in a relationship with someone who’s physically present.

If you’ve experienced emotional abandonment in the past, especially as a child, you may live in perpetual fear that it will happen again.

Fear of abandonment in children

It’s absolutely normal for babies and toddlers to go through a separation anxiety stage.

They may cry, scream, or refuse to let go when a parent or primary caregiver has to leave. Children at this stage have a hard time understanding when or if that person will return.

As they begin to understand that loved ones do return, they outgrow their fear. For most children, this happens by their 3rd birthday.

Abandonment anxiety in relationships

You may be afraid to let yourself be vulnerable in a relationship. You may have trust issues and worry excessively about your relationship. That can make you suspicious of your partner.

In time, your anxieties can cause the other person to pull back, perpetuating the cycle.

If you fear abandonment, you might recognize some of these symptoms and signs:

overly sensitive to criticism
difficulty trusting in others
difficulty making friends unless you can be sure they like you
taking extreme measures to avoid rejection or separation
pattern of unhealthy relationships
getting attached to people too quickly, then moving on just as quickly
difficulty committing to a relationship
working too hard to please the other person
blaming yourself when things don’t work out
staying in a relationship even if it’s not healthy for you

Abandonment issues in relationships

If you fear abandonment in your current relationship, it may be due to having been physically or emotionally abandoned in the past. For example:

As a child, you may have experienced the death or desertion of a parent or caregiver.
You may have experienced parental neglect.
You may have been rejected by your peers.
You went through a prolonged illness of a loved one.
A romantic partner may have left you suddenly or behaved in an untrustworthy manner.

Such events can lead to a fear of abandonment.

Avoidant personality disorder

Avoidant personality disorder is a personality disorder that can involve fear of abandonment resulting in the person feeling socially inhibited or inadequate. Some other signs and symptoms are:

nervousness
poor self-esteem
intense fear of being negatively judged or rejected
discomfort in social situations
avoidance of group activities and self-imposed social isolation

Borderline personality disorder

Borderline personality disorder is another personality disorder in which intense fear of abandonment can play a role. Other signs and symptoms can include:

unstable relationships
distorted self-image
extreme impulsiveness
mood swings and inappropriate anger
difficulty being alone

Many people who have borderline personality disorder say they were sexually or physically abused as children. Others grew up amid intense conflict or had family members with the same condition.

Separation anxiety disorder

If a child doesn’t outgrow separation anxiety and it interferes with daily activities, they may have separation anxiety disorder.

Other signs and symptoms of separation anxiety disorder can include frequent:

panic attacks
distress at the thought of being separated from loved ones
refusal to leave home without a loved one or be left home alone
nightmares involving being separated from loved ones
physical issues, like stomachache or headache, when separated from loved ones

Teens and adults can have separation anxiety disorder too.

Long-term effects of fear of abandonment can include:

difficult relationships with peers and romantic partners
low self-esteem
trust issues
anger issues
mood swings
codependency
fear of intimacy
anxiety disorders
panic disorders
depression

Here are a few examples of what fear of abandonment can look like:

Your fear is so significant that you don’t allow yourself to get close enough to anyone to let that happen. You may think, “No attachment, no abandonment.”
You worry obsessively about your perceived faults and what others may think of you.
You’re the ultimate people pleaser. You don’t want to take any chances that someone won’t like you enough to stick around.
You’re absolutely crushed when someone offers a bit of criticism or gets upset with you in any way.
You overreact when you feel slighted.
You feel inadequate and unappealing.
You break up with a romantic partner so they can’t break up with you.
You’re clingy even when the other person asks for space.
You’re often jealous, suspicious, or critical of your partner.

Fear of abandonment isn’t a diagnosable mental health disorder, but it can certainly be identified and addressed. Also, fear of abandonment can be part of a diagnosable personality disorder or other disorder that should be treated.

Once you recognize your fear of abandonment, there are some things you can do to begin healing.

Cut yourself some slack and stop the harsh self-judgment. Remind yourself of all the positive qualities that make you a good friend and partner.

Talk to the other person about your fear of abandonment and how it came to be. But be mindful of what you expect of others. Explain where you’re coming from, but don’t make your fear of abandonment something for them to fix. Don’t expect more of them than is reasonable.

Work on maintaining friendships and building your support network. Strong friendships can boost your self-worth and sense of belonging.

If you find this unmanageable, consider speaking to a qualified therapist. You may benefit from individual counseling.

Here are a few strategies to try if someone you know is dealing with fear of abandonment:

Start the conversation. Encourage them to talk about it, but don’t pressure them.
Whether it makes sense to you or not, understand that the fear is real for them.
Assure them that you won’t abandon them.
Ask what you can do to help.
Suggest therapy, but don’t push it. If they express a desire to move forward, offer your assistance in finding a qualified therapist.

If you’ve tried but can’t manage your fear of abandonment on your own, or if you have symptoms of a panic disorder, anxiety disorder, or depression, see a healthcare provider.

You can start with your primary care physician for a complete checkup. They can then refer you to a mental health professional to diagnose and treat your condition.

Without treatment, personality disorders may lead to depression, substance use, and social isolation.

Fear of abandonment can have a negative impact on your relationships. But there are things you can do to minimize those fears.

When fear of abandonment is part of a broader personality disorder, it can be successfully treated with medications and psychotherapy.

Fear of Abandonment: Overview, Symptoms, and Treatment

Fear of abandonment is the overwhelming worry that people close to you will leave.

Anyone can develop a fear of abandonment. It can be deeply rooted in a traumatic experience you had as a child or a distressing relationship in adulthood.

Continue reading to explore the causes and long-term effects of a fear of abandonment and when you should seek help.

Fear of emotional abandonment

It may be less obvious than physical abandonment, but it’s no less traumatic.

If you’ve experienced emotional abandonment in the past, especially as a child, you may live in perpetual fear that it will happen again.

Fear of abandonment in children

It’s absolutely normal for babies and toddlers to go through a separation anxiety stage.

They may cry, scream, or refuse to let go when a parent or primary caregiver has to leave. Children at this stage have a hard time understanding when or if that person will return.

As they begin to understand that loved ones do return, they outgrow their fear. For most children, this happens by their 3rd birthday.

Abandonment anxiety in relationships

You may be afraid to let yourself be vulnerable in a relationship. You may have trust issues and worry excessively about your relationship. That can make you suspicious of your partner.

In time, your anxieties can cause the other person to pull back, perpetuating the cycle.

If you fear abandonment, you might recognize some of these symptoms and signs:

overly sensitive to criticism
difficulty trusting in others
difficulty making friends unless you can be sure they like you
taking extreme measures to avoid rejection or separation
pattern of unhealthy relationships
getting attached to people too quickly, then moving on just as quickly
difficulty committing to a relationship
working too hard to please the other person
blaming yourself when things don’t work out
staying in a relationship even if it’s not healthy for you

Abandonment issues in relationships

If you fear abandonment in your current relationship, it may be due to having been physically or emotionally abandoned in the past. For example:

As a child, you may have experienced the death or desertion of a parent or caregiver.
You may have experienced parental neglect.
You may have been rejected by your peers.
You went through a prolonged illness of a loved one.
A romantic partner may have left you suddenly or behaved in an untrustworthy manner.

Such events can lead to a fear of abandonment.

Avoidant personality disorder

Avoidant personality disorder is a personality disorder that can involve fear of abandonment resulting in the person feeling socially inhibited or inadequate. Some other signs and symptoms are:

nervousness
poor self-esteem
intense fear of being negatively judged or rejected
discomfort in social situations
avoidance of group activities and self-imposed social isolation

Borderline personality disorder

Borderline personality disorder is another personality disorder in which intense fear of abandonment can play a role. Other signs and symptoms can include:

unstable relationships
distorted self-image
extreme impulsiveness
mood swings and inappropriate anger
difficulty being alone

Many people who have borderline personality disorder say they were sexually or physically abused as children. Others grew up amid intense conflict or had family members with the same condition.

Separation anxiety disorder

If a child doesn’t outgrow separation anxiety and it interferes with daily activities, they may have separation anxiety disorder.

Other signs and symptoms of separation anxiety disorder can include frequent:

panic attacks
distress at the thought of being separated from loved ones
refusal to leave home without a loved one or be left home alone
nightmares involving being separated from loved ones
physical issues, like stomachache or headache, when separated from loved ones

Teens and adults can have separation anxiety disorder too.

Long-term effects of fear of abandonment can include:

difficult relationships with peers and romantic partners
low self-esteem
trust issues
anger issues
mood swings
codependency
fear of intimacy
anxiety disorders
panic disorders
depression

Here are a few examples of what fear of abandonment can look like:

Your fear is so significant that you don’t allow yourself to get close enough to anyone to let that happen. You may think, “No attachment, no abandonment.”
You worry obsessively about your perceived faults and what others may think of you.
You’re the ultimate people pleaser. You don’t want to take any chances that someone won’t like you enough to stick around.
You’re absolutely crushed when someone offers a bit of criticism or gets upset with you in any way.
You overreact when you feel slighted.
You feel inadequate and unappealing.
You break up with a romantic partner so they can’t break up with you.
You’re clingy even when the other person asks for space.
You’re often jealous, suspicious, or critical of your partner.

Once you recognize your fear of abandonment, there are some things you can do to begin healing.

Cut yourself some slack and stop the harsh self-judgment. Remind yourself of all the positive qualities that make you a good friend and partner.

Work on maintaining friendships and building your support network. Strong friendships can boost your self-worth and sense of belonging.

If you find this unmanageable, consider speaking to a qualified therapist. You may benefit from individual counseling.

Here are a few strategies to try if someone you know is dealing with fear of abandonment:

Start the conversation. Encourage them to talk about it, but don’t pressure them.
Whether it makes sense to you or not, understand that the fear is real for them.
Assure them that you won’t abandon them.
Ask what you can do to help.
Suggest therapy, but don’t push it. If they express a desire to move forward, offer your assistance in finding a qualified therapist.

If you’ve tried but can’t manage your fear of abandonment on your own, or if you have symptoms of a panic disorder, anxiety disorder, or depression, see a healthcare provider.

You can start with your primary care physician for a complete checkup. They can then refer you to a mental health professional to diagnose and treat your condition.

Without treatment, personality disorders may lead to depression, substance use, and social isolation.

Fear of abandonment can have a negative impact on your relationships. But there are things you can do to minimize those fears.

When fear of abandonment is part of a broader personality disorder, it can be successfully treated with medications and psychotherapy.

“What if they leave me”: 7 steps to overcome the fear of a breakup

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Practices how toMan and woman and he will leave you? Do you constantly smooth out conflicts, try to always look your best, take any changes in his mood personally, and even jealously study his acquaintances, trying to find out which one he considers sexy? Does it bother you that he doesn't share his feelings "too often?" asks cognitive psychologist Robert Leahy.

Perhaps you act differently: you demand assurances of love, you blame your partner for forgetting about you, and you yourself stir up scandals that, ironically, put at risk the relationship you fear losing. It is as if you are “testing” your partner again and again: “If you really love me, then. ..”

The fear of being abandoned can also lead to the fact that you will desperately hold on to an unsuccessful or unnecessary union. In some cases, the fear of a breakup, on the contrary, can lead to a reluctance to enter into a relationship: “If you don’t get attached to anyone, then you won’t lose anyone.”

Robert Leahy lists 10 inappropriate ways to deal with separation anxiety:

Look for signs that your partner has lost interest or is infatuated with someone else.
Check partner for infidelity.
Focus on looking and acting perfect.
Devalue "rivals".
Never contradict your partner.
Give up your own needs to please him.
Choose as partners those who are less desirable and more "need" in the relationship.
Provoke quarrels to end relationships.
"Insurance" by starting another relationship on the side.
Avoid loss by consciously choosing "dead end" relationships.

In fact, these factors increase the anxiety of being rejected. Therefore, the psychologist recommends managing anxiety with the help of a seven-step program.

1. Determine how productive anxiety is

You think that anxiety will help you notice the problem in advance, smooth out sharp corners and prevent a breakup. But is the possible benefit of anxiety commensurate with its price - the constant feeling of jealousy, insecurity? Is there any evidence that your worries actually helped?

Usually, jealousy and the search for confirmation lead to a violent showdown, which deprives you of the last vestiges of confidence.

2. Accept the relationship as it is

Describe what is in front of you. Stop thinking out thoughts and feelings for your partner. Describe his behavior that you observe - without any assumptions about motives and thoughts: “He sits and watches TV. He's going to football with his friends." Drop interpretations and don't be in a hurry to hang up the labels "selfish" or "he is indifferent to me. " Often, anxiety is caused by beliefs about how the partner “must act”: he “should” call more often, give more compliments, pay more attention to the family ...

Remove yourself from the situation. Imagine how an outsider describes the actions of a partner without regard to you. This will help to understand that the partner exists separately from you, his behavior is not always "directed" at you, and you should be less engaged in the search for such confirmations.

Stop looking for confirmations. When we are too dependent in a relationship, we are endlessly looking for evidence of love, partner's interest in us. Such exactingness will sooner or later annoy any person. Challenge: Try to go through a week without asking your partner what they think of you and whether they find you attractive. It may be difficult. But the less pressure you exert, the less your partner will need to demonstrate their independence.

Find out the limits of your ignorance. You cannot know for sure if your relationship with your partner will ever end. And you will have to accept it. Practice by repeating for twenty minutes every day, "I don't know if he'll leave me." This helps to muffle intrusive thoughts about parting, as such reflections soon get bored.

Practice emotional images of independent living. Do you hate the idea of being left to your own devices?

Job. Make a plan for life "after Him." Make a list of goals that you would achieve if you lived alone: see your friends more often, exercise, start a new project, go to a dance, travel, walk in the park, dine out ... Then look at your schedule - you like spending most of your life waiting for a phone call?

3. Challenge anxious thoughts

Identify where you are going to extremes when thinking about a breakup. Here are examples of cognitive biases:

Mind reading: “He is angry, so he will leave me.”
Self-reference: "He works hard, this is a sign that he is bored with me. "
Blowing up from a molehill: “How will I be without him? I won't be able to live."
Labeling: "I act like a total idiot in this relationship."
Devaluation of the good: "Nothing I do matters."
Over-generalization: "We are always arguing, so we will soon part."

Do you have any evidence to support these ideas? For example, your partner has been angry before, but you are still together. He used to work hard and take work home, but did not go anywhere. Does he not give you as much attention as you ask? But doesn't your constant need for attention from your husband say more about your insecurities than about the inevitable breakup?

Most common misconceptions

"I need to know what he's thinking"

Your need to know exactly what your partner is thinking or feeling leads you to constantly try to read his mind, looking for "cues" in every expression or intonation. Accepting that people have thoughts and feelings that you don't know or will never know will let you breathe easier. Tell yourself more often:

I never know what other people think and feel;
In most cases this is irrelevant;
I can concentrate on my own affairs, with or without this person.

By shifting your attention from the uncertainty of other people's thoughts to control over your own actions, you will become less sensitive to your partner's mood, whatever it may be.

"I can't stand conflict"

You think conflicts are terrible and can get out of hand, so you either don't express your opinion or give in. As a result, you don't stand up for your needs, allowing resentment and frustration to build up—sometimes to the point where you explode for little reason.

Can you rate conflicts on a scale from mild to moderate to severe? Are there reliable ways to express differences of opinion without escalating the conflict to a serious level? If simply stating your needs always leads to serious conflicts, you may need to rethink the relationship. Conflicts are inevitable, especially between close people, but it is the way they are resolved that determines whether things will go smoothly or not.

John Gottman, an expert on family relations, found that certain styles of behavior in conflicts portend divorce. These include: creating obstacles (withdrawing your words, avoiding conversation), insults, labeling and threatening to leave a partner. Effective ways to resolve conflict include what psychologists call “cooperative problem solving”:

Declare the problem "our problem";
Recognize your role in the problem;
Ask a partner to help with "our problem";
Think of possible solutions;
Evaluate decisions together;
Make a plan for the implementation of decisions.

Use this "problem solving" approach instead of avoiding or escalating conflicts entirely.

4. Focus on the most serious danger

You are afraid that breaking up a relationship will “reveal your true nature”, showing everyone that you are a failure and unworthy of love. You are afraid that you will never find another partner and that you will not be able to be happy on your own.

How to refute these beliefs? Think about who you were before you met. Remember your previous relationships with men and friends, colleagues. Look through childhood and youth photos. Recall events that will remind you that you were quite happy and knew how to cope with life.

Try to imagine what you can do if the relationship ends: new romances, a career, self-development, more frequent meetings with friends.

Challenge your negative belief. Study the stories of lonely people you know - do they live in poverty and suffer from their inferiority? Calculate your income in the present and future, evaluate the support group. You will see that the consequences of divorce are not so catastrophic, and you will worry less about the possibility of being abandoned.

5. Turn failures into opportunities

Sometimes it can be helpful to face the fear of failure in a relationship and turn that "failure" into an opportunity.

Remember that your value does not depend on other people

Many people have a similar thought: "He left me because I can not be loved."

When he became interested in you, he thought that you were attractive (charming, interesting, worthy of attention).
"Attractiveness" is always in the (loving) eye of the beholder - what pleases you may not necessarily please someone else.
To be attractive is not about a “person”, but about how this person behaves: attractive behavior does exist. Attractiveness means that you act in a friendly manner, listen with warmth and understanding, reward your partner, show generosity and accept the person along with their shortcomings. Almost anyone can do it if they want to. There are no unattractive people, there are unattractive behaviors.

Focus on what you can control

List all the roles you play in life that are not related to your partner: daughter, sister, cousin, friend, manager, employee, volunteer… Then make a list of activities, interests and qualities that are also not nothing to do with a partner: smart, funny, honest, caring, reliable, curious, well-read, artistic, forgiving… You are interested in reading, music, art, talking, dancing, nature, animals…

Make yourself your own friend

As a rule, we are much better with other people than with ourselves. Try to talk to yourself like a friend - warmly, with understanding and sympathy. Defy the statement that you are nothing without a partner. This role-playing game will allow you to step back from your own experiences and look at yourself the way a good friend can. Seeing a smart, attractive, understanding woman who has friends and a job feels important.

6. Use emotions instead of worrying about them

Try to come to terms with your anxiety and allow yourself to experience discomfort. Trying to suppress emotions, we only increase them. And by recognizing and accepting them, we stop being afraid of them, we worry less about them - and they become less intense.

Think about the fact that almost every person experiences something like this in their life - insecurity, despair, jealousy, feelings of loneliness. But this does not prevent your friends and acquaintances from continuing to be in a relationship.

7. Take control of your time

Take a break from the urgency. You feel like you need an answer "right now." You want to immediately dispel (or confirm) doubts about your partner's feelings. What happens if you don't receive confirmations? You think, "He's moving away from me."

Task: Try to wait an hour after noticing that you are feeling anxious about this. Get distracted by something else. Make a to-do list ahead of time, such as taking a bath, listening to classical music, reading poetry, watching a movie, going for a walk, and exercising. As soon as you tune in to a pleasant activity and start enjoying the current moment, your anxiety will decrease.

Look around the timeline. You are concerned about a shared future. Include in your time frame the past and the future without these anxieties.

Task: make a selection of photographs of your life before your current relationship. Write down everything you and your partner are likely to do in the next three months. Look at photos of your family, childhood friends and college buddies, photos from trips you took before you met, and portraits of previous boyfriends. This will help you place your partner in the context of a long and important life that they once didn't have.

These time-broadening exercises will relieve you of worries, teach you to look at what is happening from a different angle, noticing important moments of the past and future beyond the current worries.

Fragment of the book by R. Leahy “The Cure for Nerves. How to stop worrying and enjoy life” (Peter, 2018).

Text: Alla Anufrieva Photo Source: Getty Images

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What to do if you are afraid that he will leave you?

Imagine: you are dating a wonderful man, everything is fine with you. It would seem that there is nothing to worry about, but anxiety gradually settles inside you, which from time to time develops into panic. You think he might betray you. You are afraid that he will cheat on you. You wake up in the middle of the night from a nightmare in which he left you.

And there is no real reason to suspect him, but you still worry. Perhaps harass him with this, or perhaps you are afraid in silence. One way or another, harmony in relationships it doesn't add.

Where does the fear of betrayal come from?

Where does the fear of betrayal come from, distrust of loved ones in general and men in particular. Can it be dealt with and how?

Fear being abandoned arises from within, it is primarily an internal psychological problem. Outwardly, the situation may be different. Sometimes a woman unconsciously chooses a man who can realize her fear. The one who is afraid of being abandoned finds a man who is capable of it. But it often happens that a man does not give a reason for distrust, but a woman still worries.

Fear inside appears because the woman really had such an experience. You have experienced something similar and now you are afraid of repetition. It usually happened in childhood and is related to parents.

Possible options: the father left the family, the mother “surrendered” the child to the grandmother, the parents sent the child to kindergarten too early, or simply did not pay enough attention to him.

In such cases, the child makes the so-called "scenario decision". In this case, this decision is not to trust relatives, because he was convinced that they are unreliable and can deceive. He chooses not to trust, so as not to be deceived later. Growing up, a person does not change the scenario decision, but transfers it to everyone around him: he expects the betrayal to happen again. Often this is not realized, that is, a person does not think and does not say “I do not trust men”, but behaves incredulously. This is a variant of the family scenario.

Sometimes children make a scenario decision “by mistake”. For example, the child was seriously ill and had to stay in the hospital for a long time. Parents did not betray him, on the contrary, it was a manifestation of care. But small children have their own logic. He felt abandoned and alone. And if the parents they were too worried about the life and health of the child, they might not have the strength to calm him down, to assure that they definitely love him and would never leave him. And then no one prevented the child from drawing his own conclusions.

What to do with distrust of men?

What to do if you find in yourself a scenario decision "not to trust loved ones, because they will betray anyway."

Working with Negative Belief

State your belief. For example, “all men are unreliable”, “all people betray sooner or later”, “I can’t trust anyone”, “trust is painful and dangerous”. Reframe a negative belief into a positive one. For example, “there are people who can be trusted”, “there are responsible men”. And look for confirmation of these positive beliefs in the real world. Watch friends and relatives, read positive stories.

It is important not to formulate too positive and unrealistic statements like "all men can be trusted." This is not true and you will not find confirmation of this - after all, men are different, someone should be trusted, and someone not.

An article on negative beliefs "How can important values in life become our enemies?"

Working with self-esteem

Fear of abandonment is almost always combined with low, unstable self-esteem. After all, a self-sufficient person is unlikely to be afraid that he will be “abandoned”. If the relationship is dear to him, he does not want it, but he is able to be alone, to please himself and entertain, lead an independent life. The end of a relationship is not the end of a life for him.

If self-esteem is not very stable, then it depends on other people's actions, especially on the actions of loved ones. Naturally, if you yourself cannot appreciate yourself, successful relationships make you more confident in yourself, and a breakup can devalue you. And the fear of this is more likely not the fear of losing relationships, but the fear of losing yourself, your self-confidence and your worth. It's not about relationships with people, it's about you.

Be sure to analyze yourself, your attitude towards yourself, how you evaluate yourself. This will give you a lot to understand your behavior, fears, reasons for actions.

Do you need yourself? Self-Esteem and Freedom of Choice
Women's self-esteem and its impact on relationships

Turning fear into desire

Oddly enough, the basis of any fear is almost always desire. or goal. We perceive them as fear because for some reason we are afraid to sincerely express and formulate our desires. We may think it is dangerous, indecent or unworthy.

Learn more