Narcissistic wound define
The Narcissistic Wound | Psychology Today
In this “Impossible to Please” blog, we have been presenting information about individuals with Personality Disorders and how their behaviors can be detrimental in both personal relationships and in the workplace. The vast majority of our postings talk about these relationships utilizing a general, informative and scientific approach.
I would like to change that today and communicate in a more personal manner.
From my heart.
Being a psychotherapist, I work with narcissistic individuals regularly. I have been trained to help them heal in a professional relationship.
But being a professional psychologist does not exempt me from having contact with them in my personal life as well. Indeed, I have to admit that I have been hurt by several narcissists in my lifetime. And I can tell you that the feeling that you get from interacting with a narcissist is one of getting sucked in, of being used, something like “I bought into all the hype,
I believed in you. And you know what? All I was to you was a fan, one of your minions. Just someone who existed in your life to boost your ego. You didn’t treat me like a person; but rather just something used to gratify your need for admiration. I am just another trophy on your shelf.”
Just recently, I have had this experience with such an individual and I really feel used. Big time. I should’ve known better. And this really makes me want to hurt them back. Yes, I know it’s wrong and I know it won’t get me anywhere. But that doesn’t change the way I feel.
It is all kind of nasty business.
So I asked myself the questions, “What is it that drives him? Why does he have to use me to feel admired? Can’t he see that he is acting like an overinflated and entitled bully?”
And I come to the conclusion that he really doesn’t. As Bob Dylan once sang, “You never turned around to see the frowns on the jugglers and clowns and when they all come down and they all did tricks for you.” Falsely believing that they are God’s gift to the human race, narcissistic individuals in general seem oblivious to the fact that people all around them find their behavior obnoxious.
So what keeps them going? Why this incredible desire to always be the top dog?
What seems to drive narcissistic individuals is something called “the Narcissistic Wound.” At some time in their life, the narcissistic individual is shamed or disgraced in such a way that they can never again truly feel good about who they are. Perhaps it is a parent or a critical coach or teacher. Perhaps a superbly timed and well-targeted putdown just at the moment when the young narcissist is acting like the star that he thinks he is.
So, believe it or not, this impressive, larger-than-life compliment magnet is really a wounded little child who constantly needs the veneration of those around him just to give himself the energy to get up in the morning and face the day.
Without it, they feel that they are just losers, failures, zeros; this realization profoundly hurts. It cuts them to the very quick. And they once again experience that cut, that devastation to their pride, in the same way they did when they felt that first epic humiliation.
Yes, it doesn’t just hurt once, it hurts each and every time they don’t meet those incredibly high expectations they have for themselves. Worse yet, each and every time they fail, they feel an even greater need to puff themselves up even more and set their goals even higher in a desperate desire to “go for the glory” in a much greater manner. Like Charlie Brown trying to kick the elusive football that Lucy is holding, each new life experience is an opportunity to prove themselves wonderful and, once and for all, magically heal that narcissistic wound.
But alas, only to fail again.
So what about my own personal situation with the narcissist in my own life? I know that to confront him about his inadequacies would hurt him even more. It could add to his scrapbook of hurts and humiliations, reactivating that Narcissistic Wound, and I don’t want to do this to him.
And this is the very reason I won’t strike back.
At least not today...
What Is a Narcissistic Injury? I Psych Central
You may have a person in your life who sometimes responds with rage that seems out of proportion to situations.
Their emotion could be a reaction to a narcissistic injury.
Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is a complex mental health condition in which a person might crave admiration, have an inflated sense of superiority, and lack empathy.
What isn’t obvious is the reason behind these narcissistic personality symptoms. In some instances, a person with NPD might use these strategies to cover up feelings of vulnerability and low self-worth.
For others, they might appear shy or withdrawn, while internally, they’re boasting about their importance.
These behaviors can make it hard to get along with someone living with NPD. In some cases, they can be sensitive and easily wounded by what they perceive to be psychological threats.
If you know someone living with narcissistic personality disorder, you may have felt hurt by something they’ve done or said. But “narcissistic injury” isn’t referring to what you’ve experienced.
Instead, a narcissistic injury, aka “narcissistic wound,” is what some people with NPD might feel when they encounter criticism, loss, or perceived abandonment.
Even though they may not show it, they may experience humiliation and rejection. It’s their feelings in these situations that may be considered narcissistic injuries.
Rather than express vulnerability and reveal how they feel, they may react with defiance, arguments, and even a narcissistic rage attack.
Wounded narcissistic responses often don’t match the situation. They can be direct attacks through verbal or physical aggression or less confrontational reactions such as walking away during a conversation.
Any situation where you’re the recipient of blame or negativity could be an indication of a narcissistic injury such as:
- explosive arguments
- gaslighting
- silent treatment
- manipulation
- false accusations
- insults
- threats
- physical violence
It’s important to note that there are different types of narcissistic personality, and not everyone with a narcissistic personality will experience narcissistic injury.
Not much is known about why someone develops NPD. Some experts believe these traits might be in response to specific situations experienced early in life, such as:
- abuse or neglect during childhood
- unrealistic parental expectations
- excessive pampering and praise from parents
- narcissistic parent or parents
Not everyone with these experiences will develop NPD, though. Genetics, such as a family history of personality disorders, might contribute to this condition.
A 2014 study found that some traits of NPD — such as entitlement and grandiosity — could be passed on through genetics.
Brain differences are also involved. People with NPD had less gray matter volume in the left anterior insula, according to a 2013 study. This is the part of the brain responsible for emotional empathy.
Research suggests that parenting practices might also contribute to NPD. If parents place too much emphasis on achievement, children might learn that love is conditional.
This could make them vulnerable to narcissistic injuries.
Narcissistic injuries are situations that trigger feelings of incompetence or unworthiness. These can include:
- not winning in a competition
- encountering disagreement in a conversation
- an imperfection in something
- having someone not live up to their standards or expectations
- public embarrassment
- being overlooked for a promotion at work
- receiving correction or constructive criticism
While anyone can experience an emotional reaction from an intense situation, even mild events can cause narcissistic injuries for someone with NPD.
For example, if you offer correct information to someone who’s made an error, they may express thanks. In the same scenario, someone with NPD might experience a narcissistic injury from your correction and respond to you with gaslighting or an insult.
It’s essential to remember narcissistic injuries aren’t your fault. This is true even if a reaction is in response to something you’ve said or done.
But there are steps you can take to try to diffuse a situation and avoid conflict.
Change your mindset
Narcissistic injury and rage are an expression of a perceived slight against self-image. For example, a narcissistic injury might occur when you unintentionally criticize the person with NPD because they didn’t respond to a situation in a way you think they should have.
Reframing your thinking could help you separate yourself from this behavior, which might help you avoid getting drawn into an argument.
Learn de-escalation strategies
If you find yourself in a situation with someone experiencing a narcissistic injury, you can try to make the situation less volatile.
Consider the following strategies:
- Empathize and validate how they feel: Focus on something you agree with. It’s less important who’s right and more important not to fight. Rather than listening to correct, try listening to agree.
- Stay calm: If you keep in mind that a narcissistic injury is the response to a perceived threat, it’s easy to see why staying calm can help.
If you allow yourself to get caught up in emotion, your agitated behavior might increase the threat level, which intensifies the narcissistic injury. - Respect their personal space: Entering the personal space of someone experiencing a narcissistic injury may feel overwhelming to them. Instead, you can help them by moving back and giving them space.
- Speak less and listen more: If you’re faced with someone in the emotional grasp of a narcissistic injury, they may not be able to pay attention to what you’re saying. The most effective strategy might be to listen rather than speak. If you need to talk, try to keep it simple and short.
Create physical distance
Your safety is more important than managing a situation or protecting personal property. If narcissistic rage is creating a dangerous situation, the best course of action might be to remove yourself. If you feel in immediate danger, leave and seek help.
Practice self-calming techniques
A deep-breathing exercise or mindfulness technique, such as meditation, are effective self-calming strategies that can help you manage your emotions in tense situations.
Know when it’s time to leave
Relationships are complex, and you may have many compelling reasons to stay connected. But if your safety is regularly at risk and your stress level is often elevated, it might be time to consider leaving the relationship.
If someone has narcissistic personality disorder, their reactions might seem extreme and out of proportion to you. But because many people with NPD aren’t aware of their symptoms, they might not realize they’re responding this way or why.
Remembering their behavior is because of a mental health condition and not something you’ve done can help put the situation into perspective.
If you’re not sure how to respond, consider reaching out to a mental health professional. They can help you understand how to support someone with NPD. You can check out our find a therapist tool to get started.
Narcissism - what it is, signs and causes of narcissistic personality disorder
About who people with narcissism are, where it comes from and whether it is always necessary to break off relations with narcissists, says Anna Krymskaya, a clinical psychologist and co-founder of the online psychological help service YouTalk
Surely among your acquaintances there is someone about whom you thought “yes, he is a typical narcissist”.
Most likely, the description of this person will look like this: self-confident, ambitious, somewhat selfish. Possibly manipulative.
Finished reading here
The term "narcissism" sounds everywhere: in psychological blogs, films, "Tiktok". There are articles and studies about him. But often in them this phenomenon is simplified and stigmatized. Who are narcissists, should they be avoided, and when can one speak of a narcissistic disorder?
What is narcissism
Psychologically, narcissism is an exaggerated belief about one's contribution to society or a group, otherwise known as excessive narcissism or even self-centeredness. This is not a monolithic concept, but a whole spectrum. To some extent, its features are present in many of us, this is normal and even useful in some ways.
For example, people with a narcissistic temperament are often ambitious, take care of themselves and achieve great success in their careers.
Depending on how pronounced the narcissistic tendencies are and whether they interfere with life, the spectrum of narcissism can be divided into four parts:
Character and accentuation are options for a healthy manifestation of narcissism, and personality disorder is already a psychiatric diagnosis.
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The extreme degree of the norm is the narcissistic accentuation of the personality. This means that the narcissistic qualities of character are so pronounced that in some cases they begin to interfere with a person's life. They can affect his relationships with others or the professional sphere.
However, their influence is not so serious as to diagnose a personality disorder. For example, they can lead to conflicts with superiors or prevent a person from sincerely opening up to another, removing the mask of ideality.
What qualities are considered narcissistic
Based on the Narcissistic Personality Inventory, one of the most popular tools for identifying non-clinical cases of narcissism, the following qualities can be considered narcissistic:
- Demonstration. It is expressed in the idea of one's own unusualness, uniqueness, physical attractiveness and ability to influence others
- Authority. Confidence in possessing leadership qualities, the ability to influence others, power over people, the ability to succeed.
- Chosenness. The feeling of one's own peculiarity, the expectation of an exceptionally good attitude, respect, recognition of one's merits, submission to one's requirements and desires.
- Vanity. The desire to look good in the eyes of others, the need to confirm one's superiority, the desire to hear flattery from other people.
- Self-sufficiency. Confidence in one's independence from people in achieving results, competence, responsibility for making decisions, confidence in the correctness of one's actions, the ability to live in accordance with one's desires, the ability to become a great person.
- Excellence. Conviction in the extraordinary and uniqueness of one's personality, the presence of special achievements and talents, the deserving of appropriate recognition from others.
- Operation. Confidence in one's ability to use other people, the ease of manipulating others to achieve one's own goals, the ability to understand others well, influence their behavior, and convince of something.
Along with these traits, there are often such characteristics as increased sensitivity to shame, perfectionism, a feeling of inner emptiness and loneliness.
People with a narcissistic psychotype are demonized, attributing to them aggressiveness, lack of empathy, a tendency to violence
The traits listed above are manifestations of narcissism as a personality trait, that is, a norm. To be diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, according to the American DSM-5 classification of diseases, in early adulthood, a person must exhibit five or more of the following characteristics of narcissism:
In Russia, however, since January 2022 it has become impossible to get a diagnosis of Narcissistic Personality Disorder, because our doctors do not follow the DSM-5, but the International Classification of Diseases from the World Health Organization. In the latest edition, the division into individual personality disorders was removed: now they look at whether a person has general signs of a personality disorder, the degree of their severity and specific manifestations. This will make the approach more comprehensive and personalized.
Is it worth labeling a person "narcissus"
There are two sides to using such labels. They can be a guide, explain individual patterns in their own and others' behavior, feelings and thinking; can help you get the big picture.
But they can also become a stigmatizing stigma, if you do not pay attention to the individual characteristics of a person. Unfortunately, in modern culture, this often happens and any people with a narcissistic psychotype are demonized, attributing to them aggressiveness, lack of empathy, a tendency to violence, and offering to avoid any contact with them. But this will not be true for every person with narcissistic traits. Because of such generalizations, even the expression "narcissist" itself has acquired a negative connotation, and its use is considered not entirely ethical.
In addition, in psychology there are many different classifications of narcissism that better convey the shades of this phenomenon than one term.
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What types of narcissism are distinguished by psychologists
Most often they talk about two types:
Grandiose.
Such a person wants to be the best. Faster, higher, stronger than all. Career, appearance, relationships - everything should be perfect. This characteristic fits well with the modern philosophy of success and achievement, so often this type achieves a lot in life. Grandiose narcissists can embellish reality to fit their ideal image if reality falls short. The self-esteem of such people is unstable: from the outside it may seem high or even inflated, but inside they often feel empty and dissatisfied.
Vulnerable. He is also hidden or thin-skinned. Clinical psychologist Paul Wink in his work "The Two Faces of Narcissism" described the mental portrait of representatives of this type as prone to introversion, submission, anxiety, vulnerability and always being on the defensive. However, like the grandiose type, they are vain, interested in others, impulsive, and often take risks.
While grandiose narcissists tend to exalt themselves in the eyes of others, vulnerable narcissists may appear to hate themselves.
In fact, this is the same idealization, but turned inside out. While grandiose narcissists tend to see themselves as the best, covert narcissists tend to see themselves as the worst, stupidest, most miserable. Keyword: most.
From the grandiose pole, a person with narcissism can fall into the other extreme: feel like a partner unworthy of love in principle
Some researchers believe that these types are not mutually exclusive, but can change depending on the circumstances of a person's life. For example, there was a successful period at work: a person exceeded KPI and received praise from his superiors. At this point, he will be inclined to idealize himself, to feel his own exclusivity and superiority, life will seem beautiful. A week later, the partner shares that some aspect of the relationship does not suit him. From the grandiose pole, a person with narcissism can fall into the other extreme: to feel like a disgusting partner, unworthy of love in principle.
And at the same time devalue all previous achievements. In this state, a person may impulsively propose a breakup or show aggression, trying to avoid corrosive shame.
And if the narcissistic disorder is accompanied by features of sociopathy (indifference, aggressiveness, disregard for social norms), one can speak of perverse narcissism. It is this type that is prone to emotional violence and even crime due to a lack of empathy. Perverted narcissists are people who prove their worth and value through the humiliation of others. It is extremely difficult for them to build a healthy relationship, as they are not able to empathize, lie, manipulate and overly control their partner. This type rarely turns to a psychotherapist, and it is difficult for him to stay in therapy.
Narcissism in Men and Women
Scientists at the Buffalo Institute reviewed studies of narcissistic personality disorder over the past 30 years and found that it is more common in men and manifests somewhat differently than in women.
First, men are more likely to exploit others and feel entitled to enjoy privileges. Secondly, they show more desire for power and leadership. But in the manifestations of vanity and egocentrism, there was no particular difference. Scientists suggest that such results may be the result of a certain gender socialization - that is, the attitudes broadcast by society about what men and women can and cannot be.
Because women are often criticized for being aggressive and authoritarian, they can suppress these narcissistic traits while men do not have to. But the authors note that this topic requires further study.
Causes of narcissism
There are different concepts as to why people develop narcissism. The conducted studies have not proved an unambiguous connection with genetics, so the sociocultural concept remains the main one.
Representatives of psychoanalysis paid particular attention to the nature of narcissism. For example, Sigmund Freud and Heinz Kohut were of the opinion that at a certain stage in the development of a child, the emergence of narcissism is a natural and healthy phenomenon - this is called primary narcissism. In infancy, the child has no other needs than his own, and he does not have to make any effort to satisfy them. In fact, he is the center of his own universe. This is a normal developmental stage that everyone goes through.
However, certain circumstances can lead to secondary narcissism - that is, its unhealthy form. Such a circumstance could be a lack of parental love and acceptance. Moreover, the child did not necessarily encounter excessive severity, cruelty or indifference. It is quite possible that his parents, on the contrary, praised him for any reason and did not forbid anything.
Child idealization and permissiveness can also be perceived as dislike and cause secondary narcissism, according to Karen Horney. When only the positive side is seen in a child, ignoring the existence of negative traits, he feels unseen. As if they love not him, but some other person, an image. In both cases, the defensive reaction is the creation of an imaginary ideal "I", designed to deserve the love and attention of others.
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Psychoanalyst Andre Green considers another reason in his article "Dead Mother". He talks about a situation in which the mother was physically alive, but was emotionally unavailable and absent due to depression. For this reason, the child did not receive love, care, support in the proper amount. The researcher believed that the mother's depression becomes a trauma for the child, since the baby, up to a certain age, sees in himself the cause of everything that happens around him and, among other things, blames himself for his mother's condition.
Lack of communication and warmth leads to the fact that the child tries to "bring the mother back to life", changing behavior, attracting attention. Failures give rise to tremendous anxiety and a feeling of a bottomless hole inside. Over time, the baby begins to feel the emptiness, which he will later try to fill: with achievements, attention, other people. In this case, those around him can become his narcissistic extension - like an extension of his personality, an attribute to maintain status and high self-esteem. Other consequences are the replacement of emotions with reasoning, a tendency to depression, aggressiveness, the inability to let someone in, to accept and experience love, to build warm trusting relationships.
Narcissistic trauma
Trauma associated with the narcissistic part of the personality can occur not only in childhood.
According to Freud, a narcissistic injury is a situation in which the narcissist feels that his hidden true self has been discovered. Its imperfection is revealed. For example, if he faced failure or his authority was called into question. Narcissistic trauma can lead to depression or what is known as narcissistic rage, an attempt to regain control and avenge the pain.
Treatment of narcissism
Both narcissistic personality disorder and narcissism in the broadest sense are generally amenable to psychotherapy. It's not exactly a "treatment" in the medical sense of the word. Rather, the process of knowing, accepting and adapting to the characteristics of one's personality.
For therapy to be effective, the person must be interested in it. In many cases, the benefits of narcissistic character traits and the difficulty in recognizing one's own imperfection lead to the fact that a person is not too willing to change something in his life and turn to a psychotherapist.
And in a situation where we are talking simply about character traits that do not interfere with the person himself and do not harm others, the therapy of narcissism is, in principle, not needed.
If your relationship is bad, then whether the person is a narcissist or not, it makes sense to think about parting. Working with the deep structures of personality requires a lot of effort and time. But at the same time, the very arrival of psychotherapy already has a positive effect. The therapeutic relationship is built on trust, acceptance, and recognition of the person in all of his manifestations, and this is exactly the kind of experience that people with narcissistic disorder or pronounced narcissism practically do not have.Together with the client, the therapist looks for points of support and support. The psychologist is able to endure regular cycles of idealization and devaluation, which allows the relationship to last.
Teaches the client to see himself, not to fall into one of the poles of adoration and hatred, to endure his fears, doubts, vulnerability, envy and a constant sense of shame. See the value of other people in isolation from himself and, if necessary, control his aggression.
Having received the experience of warm acceptance of different aspects of his personality in therapy, a person with narcissism learns to apply this experience in everyday life, to build relationships with the world and himself in a new way.
How to communicate with a person if you suspect narcissism or NPD
There are two main principles to follow: focus on how you feel in contact with this person, and not try to save him. In general, these rules can be applied to any relationship, regardless of the type of person.
It is not so important to recognize how pronounced narcissism is, but to pay attention to the quality of your relationship:
- whether there is disrespect, manipulation, aggression or violence
- Does your self-esteem suffer? No, it makes sense to think about parting.
In the case of an abusive relationship without outside support, this can be very difficult. Psychotherapy can help you find a resource for ending a relationship, as well as understanding the reasons why you ended up and stayed in it so that the scenario does not repeat itself in the future.
If it seems to you that a person has strong narcissistic inclinations, but at the same time the relationships themselves are built on mutual respect, warmth and sincerity, there is no violence in them in any form, then you should not break off contact just because the person is a “narcissist”.
How to cure narcissism. Stages of psychotherapy with examples
We analyze the strategy of working with a narcissistic character - how psychotherapy helps narcissists and what a narcissist can do for himself.
In a previous article, I talked about the formation of narcissism and about the characteristics of the suffering that is characteristic of narcissists.
I recommend reading it to understand the basic terms. In this article, we will deal with strategies for helping and self-help.
The first and most important thing I want to say. Dealing with narcissism is not easy. It is painful and difficult. Sometimes it seems like you are standing still. But narcissists, like no one else, are helped along this path by intelligence and diligence. Therefore, I recommend that anyone who suspects narcissistic traits in themselves carefully study the professional literature. This will be of great help - tested on people.
Now let's look at the strategy for dealing with the narcissistic character. I do not pretend to be complete - this is simply impossible to do within the framework of a short article. Rather, my goal is to briefly outline the main areas of work and give a general idea of \u200b\u200bthem. I hope this will be of help to you both in personal therapy and in independent work.
What makes it difficult to treat narcissism
As I have already written, the narcissist usually starts to worry when the symptomatic self is actively manifesting itself - it can be anxiety, depression, just low mood, any physical symptoms.
You already know that the symptomatic self is the bridge to the true self. That is, in fact, through the symptom, a deep feeling of discomfort appeals to you, the shirt is not on the shoulder, the compulsion to live not your own life, but someone else's. The one that your parents once imposed on you.
It is logical that exacerbations often occur against the background of crises: dismissal, relocation, marriage, divorce, etc. The defense of the fake self is weakening a bit, and the authentic self is getting a chance.
And everything would be great: the crisis would open the way to a real self, to one's own destiny, as is often the case in books and films. But the problem is that the true self of the narcissist is stuck at the level of two or three years. It is very different from the brilliant picture that we have become accustomed to over the years of success. And so when you first look your true self in the eye, it's hard to feel anything other than disgust. It's not me, I'm not like that at all, put it away.
For the narcissist, realizing who you really are is essentially a retraumatization. After all, narcissistic trauma occurs when parents reject a child, do not want to see him as he is. And this is the usual view of the narcissistic personality on himself: everything weak is cut off, everything strong is nurtured.
It is not surprising that usually a narcissist who has fallen into a crisis state wants only one thing: to return everything back, to feel as grandiose again as before the crisis.
And this is a big trap. Returning to a former life is like redecorating a house that is falling apart. Might be a good temporary measure. But at one point, the walls will crack again, and these cracks will be even deeper.
It is important to realize that in the pursuit of success you lose your real, real life, in which you can be truly happy. Which you were actually born for and which suits you much better than what is now.
Stages of psychotherapy of a narcissistic character
If we formulate the main, fundamental goal of working on oneself for a narcissistic personality, then this will be the discovery and strengthening of an authentic self and natural self-expression.
You need to complete the work of the psyche that was impossible in your childhood - to relive the period in which infant grandiosity collides with reality.
For convenience, I have divided the therapeutic process into four stages.
Step 1: Decipher the symptoms
The first stage of work is to learn to see how the symptomatic self manifests itself in your life. Learn to interpret his signals as the voice of the true self.
Pain is chronic inhibition of impulses. You can work with the boss you hate for many years, and it would seem that you get used to it for a long time. And blame the headache on an uncomfortable posture at the desk. And you will be partly right: a symptom always strikes at a weak spot. And it is quite possible to drown out this pain with NSAIDs. But in fact, the suppressed pain from the behavior of the boss does not go anywhere. Headache will be replaced by back pain, back pain will be replaced by chronic fatigue. Symptoms will roam around the body haphazardly until they put you in the hospital for a month or two.
The task of the first stage of work is to see and recognize how much you sacrifice yourself for the sake of other people's goals and desires. Stop running away from unpleasant emotions and states, allow yourself to feel them. Admit that you are hurt by harsh comments from your boss and wife/husband. That you can come to your senses for a long time after these comments, hang in self-accusations, feel nausea and hatred for yourself, for them, for the whole world.
At this stage, at first there is a lot of denial, then a lot of shame. Pain is embarrassing. The inability to get together and do it is shameful.
It helps to realize that pain is really just a signal. It shows where you need to pay attention, what you need to devote time to. It hurts you, not because you are a weak and weak-willed person. These are the echoes of trauma. You can and should work with them.
Stage 2. Study compensatory mechanisms
This stage is also unpleasant and painful.
But it is a bit more portable than the previous one, because at this stage there is already a small result and therefore hope.
To put it very simply, at this stage we begin to analyze how our mental pain arises, what causes it, and how our false self works. to protect us from this pain.
F. Summers writes about the five main compensatory mechanisms of the narcissistic defect. I'll talk about them briefly so you can get a general idea of what it might be like. But remember that the history of each injury is individual and has its own characteristics.
Submission is the desire to satisfy someone else's ambitions. This strategy is adopted by children who are accustomed to living in accordance with the goals of their parents. In this case, the achieved goal does not bring us satisfaction, but rather brings relief: cheers, the parents (or the boss) will be satisfied, they will leave me behind for a while.
The strategy is so fixed that we don't even notice how fervently we cling to the tasks assigned to us, and we realize that we swallowed too much a piece, already when we agreed to a new project and did half.
Submission helps to maintain close relationships with significant people - unfortunately, at the expense of its own authenticity.
Grandiosity is the creation of an exaggeratedly successful image of oneself and the desire to maintain it with the help of confirmation from others, the constant search for approval. So, we can ignore any claims of superiors against us, saying that we are indispensable at work and we are unfairly evaluated. By convincing others of our success, we are convinced of this ourselves.
Probably the most striking example of the compensatory mechanism of grandiosity is an exaggeratedly beautiful profile in social networks, from which it all the time sounds false.
Depreciation is an overestimation of one's own value compared to others. When using this mechanism, it seems to us that everyone around us is doing wrong, does not have a single dignity, and only brings harm. "I had three husbands - and all, as if by selection, the same bastards.
" “Wherever I go to work, there are some exceptionally stupid people around.” Only when you look from the outside, you can notice an exaggeration in this - from the inside, such a picture seems to be a reality.
Idealization - attribution of hypertrophied virtues to another person and identification with this person. It's sort of the opposite of depreciation. In this case, on the contrary, someone is put on a pedestal, almost deified, and relations with him help us to become involved in this splendor too. As long as we are in relationship with the ideal object, we also become ideal.
Most likely, this mechanism is familiar to you from popular articles. They usually write about narcissists that they first idealize a partner, and then devalue them. But they don’t write how painful it is to live if you yourself are a narcissist. And what wild pain is behind the desire to find the ideal.
Compulsive attachment - strong attachment to a reliable partner who is able to admire us and who, as we think, will never leave us.
In this case, the partner plays the role of a transitional object - it seems that if we are surrounded by admiration, all our wounds will heal and we will no longer feel defective. That is, in this case, our partner is perceived by us not as an individual, but simply as a good mirror.
Being aware of each of these compensatory mechanisms raises a logical question: what do I need them for? What am I really protecting myself from? And this is the beginning of the next stage of work.
Stage 3. Get in touch with the true self and relive the trauma
At this stage, we have a long way to go deep into our narcissistic trauma.
In fact, we come to the deconstruction of the processes on which our development was once interrupted. We return to that moment in our history when mom or dad tells us for the first time: “Stop singing, you are very out of tune!”, “Stop dancing! Where did you get such vulgarity! You are still small, but you are behaving like a depraved woman!” - or, on the contrary: “You are so talented, you have a real gift! Come on, you will study English 4 times a week! Let's skip the pool.
I understand that you like it there, but then you will thank me.”
And as we begin this deconstruction, feelings that have been blocked rise to the surface. The pain that they do not like me for who I am. Resentment that mom is always more interested in her fantasy, and not the real me. Furious that in order to be loved, I have to sit and study English, which is boring to me, and not play football with the boys on the street.
And then we can go even deeper and find behind the pain, resentment and rage a huge unmet need for love, closeness, acceptance, reflection of us as we are.
Usually the scale of this need, which for many years remained buried under a false self. grandiose. This is the very infantile need for a good mother, who can lovingly relate to my attempts to master the new world, admire me and carefully handle my fragility.
Understanding that this need is there, that it is not going anywhere, and that the best thing you can do for yourself - to slowly look for ways to satisfy it - will greatly advance you.
And, at least, it will inspire you to treat yourself more carefully than before.
Stage 4. Develop the true self
The last stage is the reliving of the phase of development where you stopped due to trauma.
As we have already discussed, in the phase of new rapprochement, the child manifests natural auto-expression - he begins to listen to the movements of his soul, try different new activities, find out what he likes and what he does not like. He is still very vulnerable. He is easily embarrassed. Supporting the process of self-expression is quite a piece of jewellery, in which you need to both support and help match desires with reality.
Since adult narcissistic clients come to a psychologist, they usually already know how to live well in the adult world and realistically assess their capabilities. Usually it is enough just to change the vector a little - to learn to focus primarily on yourself, and not on others, as happened when the client was owned by compensatory mechanisms like submission.
The social environment plays an important role at this stage. It is very important to find an adequate social system that can support your auto-expression. It could be a university, a job, a hobby, a psychology group, or a training program. A space where you can try new things and be accepted and supported in this.
A couple of important notes for those who survived =)
The strategy I described is several years of work under the strict guidance of a psychologist. A good psychologist usually knows what he is doing and has successfully walked this path himself in the past. So if you are suddenly upset that you can’t repeat it all yourself, don’t be upset. This is basically not realistic.
I wrote this article so that you can use it as a map in your work with a psychologist - see where you are now. It is possible to discuss with a psychologist what is preventing you from going further. I think this orientation is very important.
If you have not yet started working with a psychologist, then I hope you have become a little clearer about the specifics of a narcissistic character, where to start on the path to recovery, and what traps you may face on it.
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