Narcissistic victim hotline

Narcissism and Abuse - The Hotline

Trying to find an explanation for an abusive partner’s behavior can be an exhausting task. It is natural to want to understand how someone we care deeply about, who says they care for us, is capable of saying and doing things to us that are hurtful or even dangerous. Additionally, the sheer amount of articles and opinions on abusive behaviors can become overwhelming. Terms like narcissistic, antisocial/sociopath or borderline personality often come up in that search for answers. Many of these labels are used loosely in the media we read and watch, and here on the lines, we hear them a lot.

“I think my partner is a narcissist.”

“Narcissist” is one of the more common terms we hear from callers and chatters about their abusive partners. This word is most often used to describe a person who is egotistic or self-serving and does not acknowledge the feelings of others. It is important to remember that narcissistic characteristics can show up to varying degrees in any person, but this is not necessarily an indicator that a person is dealing with a personality disorder.

A person who has narcissistic personality disorder, as described in the “Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders” (DSM-IV), shows extreme, rigid and consistent expressions of narcissism, including:

  • Expectations of superior treatment from others
  • Fixations on fantasies of power, success, intelligence, attractiveness, etc.
  • A belief that they are unique, superior, and associated with high-status people and institutions
  • Needing constant admiration from others
  • A sense of entitlement to special treatment and to obedience from others
  • Exploitation of others to achieve personal gain
  • An unwillingness to empathize with others’ feelings, wishes, or needs
  • Intense jealousy of others and the believe that others are equally jealous of them
  • Pompous and arrogant demeanor

Whether using the DSM or an internet search, it’s easy to see how these traits might sound spot-on to describe abusive partners. The same can also be said of characteristics of other personality disorders. It can feel empowering to be able to define your partner using these commonly-cited personality disorders.

But labeling a person with a diagnosis without intensive knowledge and experience, or based on generalizations, can be problematic in a few ways.

Although disorders and diagnoses are often go-to explanations for abusive behavior, we know that mental health issues do not excuse or directly cause intimate partner abuse. At this time, there is no research that conclusively shows that a higher percentage of abusive partners deal with mental illness or disorders (including narcissistic personality disorder) than the general population. Some abusive partners may be living with narcissistic personality disorder, but many of them are not. And while people managing mental health disorders may face the stigma of violence or abuse, it’s important to understand that having a mental health disorder does not mean that a person will be emotionally or physically abusive.

There is no causational link between mental health issues and the choice to abuse one’s partner.

Connecting an abusive partner’s abusive behaviors with a disorder can also blur the line between free will and something seen as “unchangeable.” Many disorders, including narcissistic personality disorder, are marked by a person’s inability to identify their behaviors as unhealthy or show empathy to those affected by their actions, greatly reducing the possibility of change. When people consider their partner’s behavior in this way and apply a label like “narcissist,” it may lead to a belief that their partner has no control over their behavior or even a feeling of acceptance of their behavior.

Or, a person might feel that if only their partner could get diagnosed, they could get some combination of medication and therapy to turn things around. However, medication is not a fix-all and is not appropriate for everyone managing a mental health disorder. It is also important to keep in mind that medication is not a treatment method for abusive behaviors. Abusive behavior would need to be addressed separately. We know that whether someone has a mental health disorder or not, they are always in control of their choices and abuse is a choice that someone makes. Therefore, medication cannot be an appropriate solution.

Mental health disorders are commonly used as a way to justify and excuse abusive behaviors when in reality an abusive partner is in control of their actions.

Abusers often minimize or deny their behaviors, or even shift the blame to the non-abusive person. While it can feel like your partner ”just doesn’t get it” and lacks self-awareness, this is often an emotionally abusive tactic used to make the other partner question themselves.

They choose to limit how far the abuse goes and when it happens.

For example, they will become physically threatening but not hit their partner. Or, they will be abusive only in ways that cannot be recorded by their partner as evidence.

They only behave abusively toward their partner.

Someone managing a personality disorder will exhibit behaviors across the different areas of their life, not just with their partner. That means, if a person is manipulative with their partner, they will act similarly at work, with friends, or in other social settings. This often makes it difficult to maintain both professional and personal relationships, in addition to their intimate partnerships.

Their behaviors escalate.

While the dynamic of a person’s mental health can change over time and circumstance, behaviors are generally consistent over time. One tactic abusive partners use is choosing not to behave abusively during certain periods, but gradually intensifying the abuse as the relationship progresses. An abusive partner manages how their behaviors present over time.

It’s important to understand that whether or not your partner is dealing with a mental health disorder or issue, you are not responsible for their behaviors. Your partner could be diagnosed with a personality disorder and still choose to not be manipulative and controlling. If your partner is dealing with mental health issues, that is something they will need to acknowledge and seek support for on their own. The same is true for getting support in addressing abusive behaviors. If your partner is abusive, their behavior is never something you can cause and is not something you can “fix.” In the end, a person must actively choose for themselves to take the steps needed to make a change.

If you have questions or concerns about your partner’s behavior, reach out to our advocates 24/7/365.

Answers shouldn’t be hard to find.

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5 Warning Signs of Narcissistic Abuse

Narcissistic abuse is aggressive, vengeful, and calculated. People who experience this type of abuse often feel isolated, confused, and unclear about what went wrong in the relationship. 

According to Psychology Today, Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is: “Defined by emotional volatility, a lack of empathy, and delusions of superiority and entitlement…” They also state that “NPD is linked with interpersonal exploitation, rage, and aggression, most often directed at family members. ” 

These abusers are manipulative and controlling, but the physical abuse is not always present. “But they never hit me” is a common phrase expressed by those who experience narcissistic abuse when they finally seek help. 

Since narcissistic abuse is insidious, becoming familiar with these warning signs can help you recognize what is happening in your relationship or the relationships of family and friends. If you notice these patterns, please know that you’re not alone, you did nothing wrong, and support is available. 

Here are five warning signs of narcissistic abuse to watch out for in your relationship. 


1. Your Relationship Moves Quickly 

Narcissists appear charming. They may buy you gifts, take you on vacations, and check in often via phone calls or texts. The relationship may feel like it’s moving quickly in an exciting way. They may encourage you to take significant steps early in the relationship, including moving in together, merging finances, or getting engaged.  

On its own, a fast-moving relationship could mean you’re compatible with one another. However, if you notice additional red flags throughout the relationship, it’s best not to ignore them. 


2. You Feel Like You’re Walking On Eggshells 

When your partner walks into the room, you may find yourself afraid or on edge. You may feel like you never know which version of them you’ll get. It could be the kind, the thoughtful persona you fell in love with or the angry, abusive person they truly are. 

You deserve a relationship where you feel safe, valued, and loved. If you feel afraid around your partner, consider taking steps to end the relationship. Safety planning with an advocate can help you make the best choices for yourself and your family. 


3. You Feel Like You’re Going Crazy 

When you’re in a relationship with a narcissist, you may find yourself second-guessing everything you know to be true. You may wonder if you are crazy and overly sensitive, and you may distrust your memories. You may find yourself apologizing regularly and taking full responsibility for everything the abuser holds against you. 

Narcissists are master manipulators and are skilled at gaslighting. If you regularly hear phrases like these, consider them huge warning signs: 

  • You’re overreacting. 
  • You need help.  
  • I never said that. 
  • Why are you so upset? I was just kidding. 
  • You’re imagining things.  
  • You’re so sensitive. 
  • Are you sure? You have such a bad memory. 
  • Stop acting crazy.  
  • That never happened. 

Writing your experiences down is an excellent way to validate what you know to be true and maintain records of the abuse. 


4. You Feel Isolated 

Both social isolation and financial abuse are components of narcissistic abuse. You may feel as though the abuser is demanding all of your time and energy, and you may find yourself spending less time with friends and family. You may also notice that the abuser is interfering with your job or encouraging you to stop working altogether. 

If you find yourself relying heavily on your partner for companionship and financial security at the expense of your friendships and career goals, this may indicate that there is a bigger problem.  


5. You Wonder What Happened To The Person You Fell In Love With 

Every so often, that kind, caring, thoughtful person, you fell in love with will re-emerge. You may find yourself hopeful that the relationship will take a turn for the better. You may feel like the relationship is worth saving. 

Healthy relationships are honest, respectful, and reciprocal. If these are consistently missing from your relationship, it’s a good time to re-evaluate. 


Help Is Available 

If these patterns sound familiar, you may be the target of narcissistic abuse. 

This type of abuse happens slowly over time. It’s not clearly defined for survivors, and since this type of abuse is not always physical, survivors often second-guess whether it is abuse at all. 

Without intervention, these patterns will continue indefinitely. Even with intervention, post-separation abuse will likely ensue, so safety planning is paramount. 

Help is available. If you suspect you’re experiencing narcissistic abuse, or if you’ve left an abusive relationship and post-separation abuse continues, call the National Domestic Violence hotline at 800-799-7233.

If you are a Pinellas County resident seeking domestic violence services, call CASA’s free 24-hour domestic violence helpline at (727) 895-4912 or TTY: (727) 828-1269.  

If it is not safe to call, you can reach a CASA advocate at 

Blogger Tanya Tank about abusers, narcissists and pick-up artists — Realnoe Vremya


07:00, 02/12/2020

Author of the book "Fear, I'm with you" - about abuse and loneliness of women after 30

“We felt bad in the relationship, but didn't understand why. After all, the husband does not smoke - does not drink - everything is in the house, and the wife does not get out of depression, she is all sick, she has grown fat and cannot lose weight. Probably, "he's pissed off with fat"? But now it has become clear what is going on behind the happy facade of such families - in most cases this is a systematic abuse, often "intelligent". Well, you call a rapist a person who suddenly falls silent for a week? Meanwhile, Dostoevsky told us how Meek came out of the window after a three-month “educational” boycott of her husband,” says Tanya Tank, blogger and author of the trilogy “Fear, I’m with you” about the intricacies of abuse. In an interview with Realnoe Vremya, she spoke about the topic of moral violence, narcissism and the problems of loneliness of women over 30, which she studied on living examples.0003

“Having experienced abuse at the age of 15, I have been looking for an answer to the question for many years, what was it, in fact,?”

— Tatyana, how long has the word “abuse” been used in Russia?

— Not so long ago, about seven years ago. For us, abuse, or moral violence, abuse, bullying is a relatively new concept, because until recently, many believed that violence is when a fist is punched in the face or kicked in the kidneys. Even rape was not always regarded as unambiguous violence. Like, if this is a wife or a mistress, then what kind of rape is this? Or if “a woman got drunk” - it means that it’s not rape either, but she herself is to blame for badly beating herself up. Or if the victim did not actively resist (out of a sense of self-preservation), it means that she herself liked it all. nine0003

And, of course, we didn't know and didn't even think about such things as gaslighting, boycott, "water torture", skillfully applying which can crush a person morally, and in the long run also physically.

At the same time, we felt bad in the relationship, but did not understand why. After all, the husband does not smoke - does not drink - everything is in the house, and the wife does not get out of depression, she is all sick, she has grown fat and cannot lose weight. Probably, "he's pissed off with fat"? But now it has become clear what is going on behind the happy facade of such families - in most cases this is a systematic abuse, often "intelligent". Well, you call a rapist a person who suddenly falls silent for a week? Meanwhile, Dostoevsky told us how Meek came out of the window after a three-month "educational" boycott of her husband. nine0003

— But didn't the Russian language have words for such phenomena before?

— I don't know what it was called in psychology, but in real life they used to say about such people: tyrant, despot. And this phenomenon was widespread, including in aristocratic families. Pushkin's daughter, Natalya, did not come out of bruises, until after 13 years information about the atrocities of her husband did not reach Alexander II. And Nicholas I took an active part in the family drama of General Bezobrazov, removing him from St. Petersburg to a hot spot and allowing his wife Lyubov to live separately from her husband. The general was pathologically jealous and began to "miracle" immediately after the wedding, but after he threw himself at his wife with a knife, she already threw herself at the feet of the emperor . .. Pre-revolutionary psychiatrist Vladimir Chizh called his essay on Arakcheev "the psychology of a villain." Here is another definition of an abuser. nine0003

I myself, having experienced abuse at the age of 15, have been looking for an answer to the question for many years, what was it, in fact,? It was such an extraordinary and traumatic experience. I puzzled: what kind of person is this, what motivated him and could I have avoided terror if I behaved “correctly”?

In search of answers for more than 20 years, I have read mountains of psychological texts - from pop science to venerable authors. I read about sadists, tyrants, explosive and epileptoid psychopaths, and all this was interesting and informative, knowledge was accumulated, but ... did not add up to a coherent concept. And only when I discovered the topic of abuse, malignant narcissism and psychopathy, the puzzle finally took shape. Now for me there are no special mysteries in this topic. nine0003

People try to "diagnose" their abuser. Who is a narcissist or a sociopath? Or "just" a traumatic? But the difference is very small and certainly does not diminish the damage caused to us by the abuser, and does not give us hope about improving relations...

— Let's call them destructive people? They are all pretty much narcissists. As the humanist philosopher Erich Fromm writes, narcissism is the essence of any severe personal pathology. nine0003

But now there is a lot of confusion in terms. People try to "diagnose" their abuser. Who is a narcissist or a sociopath? Or "just" a traumatic? But the difference is very small and certainly does not diminish the damage caused to us by the abuser, and does not give us hope in terms of improving relations...

It seems to me that meticulously finding out the type of your abuser is the wrong direction of search. Yes, they are all largely or very largely daffodils! We, non-specialists, do not need to be able to make diagnoses, it is important for us to learn to see manifestations of violence and quickly wrap up with such relationships, and not hang in them for years or decades . .. until death separates us. nine0003

« I can boldly add Saint-Exupery, Yesenin, Lermontov, Bryusov to the list of destructive people»

— Well, okay. Can you give examples of destructive people? So that everyone immediately understands what it is about.

- In Anatomy of Human Destructiveness, Fromm analyzes in detail Hitler's personality as a malignantly destructive person, an example of a clinical case of necrophilia (meaning: hatred of the living). You can also read his essay on Stalin there. Vladimir Chyzh has an interesting analysis of not only the “villain” Arakcheev, but also the “fanatic” Archimandrite Photius. Feel free to add Saint-Exupery, Yesenin, Lermontov, Bryusov to the list of destructive people. nine0003

Well, for clarity - well-known images from the world classics. This is the reckless and vicious Anatole Kuragin. This is the envious and evil Dolokhov, “the most tender son and brother” (and this is hammered into our heads from school!), this is the “blood pit” Judas Golovlev, this is Parfen Rogozhin, this is Vassa Zheleznova, this is Viscount de Valmont, Heathcliff and . .. You won't believe it, darling Mr. Rochester!

— What does toxic behavior mean and what harm can it cause?

— Toxic behavior can be defined as any violation of a person's personal boundaries. We can all casually, without realizing it, offend others. And to do this is a couple of trifles, because we are surrounded by a lot of traumatized, neurotic people, and we ourselves are often very vulnerable. nine0003

However, not all toxic behavior is abuse. Let's say we gave a friend an opinion about her boyfriend, although she did not ask us about it. Have we violated its boundaries? Violated. But if a friend correctly points us to this, we will take note and will not repeat this again.

But if, despite the boundaries outlined for us by another person, we continue to attack them (in our example, we bombard a friend with unnecessary opinions about her hairstyle, work, lifestyle, figure), then this will already be an abuse. That is, all abuse is toxic behavior, but not all toxic behavior is abuse. nine0003

But it was me who gave mild examples of toxic behavior that are widespread among us, in which many of us do not see anything “thing” or, moreover, see things that are not in it: friendly care, “who do you want but a friend will tell the truth." But "honesty" can be very hurtful.

Now let's imagine an average woman who regularly hears from her husband that her figure is not ale, her face also let us down, and "old women" at 40 no longer wear such blouses. And her jellied fish is disgusting, and she is a useless mother, and she is kept at work out of pity. A few months or years of such depreciation - and now we see a gray, wound up, sick woman with a self-esteem below the Mariana Trench, who sincerely considers herself worthless, ugly and who looks at her girlish photos with bewilderment: is this really me? Was I ever like this? nine0003

The abuser has occupied her personality, destroyed and continues to destroy her. And if the victim of abuse does not push off the bottom in time, then the finale can be tragic: a serious illness, untimely death, suicide, alcoholism.

If the victim of abuse does not push off the bottom in time, then the ending can be tragic: a serious illness, untimely death, suicide, alcoholism

— How to “push off the bottom” and get out of a toxic relationship?

- Having recognized violence, it is worth leaving the relationship as soon as possible. And this applies not only to romantic relationships, but also friendship, cooperation, and family relationships. nine0003

Usually, at first, we still try to negotiate with a significant person, to somehow understand him, to improve relations. But if you fight like a fish on ice, and they don’t want to hear you ... If they allegedly listen to you, but nothing changes ... If the abuse intensifies, this is a signal that you are unable to change anything in these relations, and you have three ways out : to live a chronically humiliated victim, to get sick, to suffer, to hate oneself, to become a pale shadow of the aggressor - “to become narcissistic” (like the heroine of the “Bitter Moon”). And a healthy option: to leave beautifully and live happily. nine0003

Having decided to leave, it is necessary to break contact decisively and irrevocably. Unfortunately, few people succeed. Because abusers reappear in the lives of victims, and many manage to confuse them with false remorse, imputation of guilt, divorce for pity, threats...

— Why is there such a fuss around the topic of domestic violence right now? Why was there so much talk about this before?

— Maybe because there is too much violence? Because narcissism has become a problem on a planetary scale and it threatens the security of all mankind? Moreover, by saying this, I already mean physical survival, because the surge of terrorism, all these shootings in schools and offices are a direct consequence of “small”, supposedly not significant family problems for society. After all, a kind, constructive person will not come to work with a "Kalash", but an embittered, hating everyone, painfully selfish, deeply traumatized narcissist from childhood - yes. nine0003

“Women 'get off' mainly on children and women. They use both physical and moral violence”

— An abuser, a domestic rapist in the mind of an average person is, as a rule, an aggressive man. Is it really? How prone to abuse, domestic violence against children and a woman's husband?

— Violence is different. And I often emphasize that the abuser does not know gender, age, nationality, social level. Men tend to be more "active" abusers. I don’t remember cases when a woman cut off her husband’s hands, beat him to the state of a “vegetable”, doused her lover with acid. And when we watch a documentary about some Saltychikha, we shudder with amazement and disgust. nine0003

However, abuse is like an iceberg. We see only a small part of it, and these are just these shock cases that everyone knows about. And how many "sorrows under dark water"? Nothing prevents - neither men nor women - from doing abusive affairs on the sly, behind the facade of a "prosperous family", under the sign "children's friend and philanthropist. "

Women "come off" mainly on children and women. They use both physical and moral violence - boycotts, inadequately high demands, depreciation. An abusive mother can be indifferent to the child, while remaining socially approved. nine0003

And the mother who “lives for blood” is even more admired by everyone. But overprotection, overcontrol is a form of abuse, and it breaks the child's personality thoroughly. Let's remember Sergey Mikhalkov's children's poem about mother's Vitya, father's Vitya, who lives like a mimosa plant in a botanical garden.

An abusive woman can single-handedly abuse a child, sometimes even endangering his life. Or she can play along with a destructive husband in this - out of fear of him, out of a desire to “curry favor” and get a break, because of chronic fatigue and emptiness (everyone who has been around a toxic person for a long time has it). nine0003

Abuse is like an iceberg. We see only a small part of it, and these are just these shock cases that everyone knows about. And how many "sorrows under dark water"?

Tell me about toxic parents. How to recognize them?

— Usually, the understanding that you grew up in a toxic family comes in adulthood. Our social prohibitions against condemning parents are too strong. It cannot be doubted that “childhood is a golden time” and that parents necessarily love us, because they cannot but love. Imagine with what cognitive distortion a child grows up, who was beaten and rotten in every possible way, but who is offered to shut up with his claims, and sing praises to his parents and “repay the debt”. nine0003

Alas, parental dislike is much more widespread than we think. Often parents do not love, but raise “comfortable”, “obedient”, “successful” children who could be proud of, who “will glorify the surname” ... Strange, right? Why shouldn't a parent be proud of his achievements, if he certainly wants to be proud? Why are they trying with all their might to adapt the child for this role?

What society interprets as parental love often turns out to be forms of codependency, when children and parents create a pathological symbiosis in which they live all their lives. That's why a 40-year-old boy leaves another girlfriend - her mother did not like her. That's why a 50-year-old girl is ready to crawl on Saturday at five in the morning to her mother's cottage - because she is a "good daughter." There is no timely separation of parents and children, and an adult according to the passport remains a psychological child. And this kid has his own kids, works a job...

And there are many such people around us. I think this is the cause of many social problems: the increase in crime, the lack of good employees, alcoholism, depression, social aggression. No matter what problem you hit, you can't go wrong.

- How to end relationships with toxic parents?

— Normally, a child should separate psychologically from his parents by the age of 18-20. But for many, this separation never happens. Children who have not grown up psychologically, at best, begin work on separation at 25, 30, 40 or more years. Those who have recognized the damage caused by toxic parents sometimes distance themselves from them, and if the parents are very toxic, demanding, shamelessly clingy, and even dangerous, they even break off relations with them. Toxic parents are a huge topic, and I'm currently writing a book about it. nine0003

“In five years I have published no more than ten stories on the blog from the point of view of men”

— Do men who are suffering from abuse sometimes come to you for help? Can you give examples?

— Men write to me mainly from those who reasonably suspected a narcissist. But those who have suffered both from women and in homosexual unions are also converted. In the five years that I have been running a blog with anonymous stories on LiveJournal, I have published no more than ten stories on behalf of men there. And some of them are ambiguous, as I understand now, when my knowledge of abuse has expanded significantly. nine0003

Of course, this does not mean that men do not suffer from abuse. Of course they suffer. And from the pressure of their parents, and from the pressure of the bosses ... However, they have a lot of false shame to talk about it as openly as the women began. And often they do not have the ability to introspection and self-understanding, like many women.

By no means do I want to say that men are dumber, but the fact that their feelings and emotions are buried under a thick shell, under which it is difficult even for them to crawl under, is, in my opinion, a fact. And these are the poisonous berries of raising boys under the motto "boys don't cry, it's not cool." nine0003

Let me mention a trick that abusers sometimes use. A man writes me a story where he exposes himself as a victim of a narcissistic wife. But abusive "ears" are hard to hide. Then he hit her several times, because she "deserved" and "brought it down." Then he mocked his mistress with “pauses” (that is, boycotts) in order to “see how much she would be humiliated.” One such “Freudian slip” is enough to suggest with a high degree of probability what the true alignment of forces is.

Anyone can get into abuse. But to hang in it for a long time is only a person with considerable personal problems, prone to codependency and with masochistic attitudes

— What about the fact that the words “abuse” and “toxic relationships” can simply cover up their unwillingness to change, stop being selfish and build family relationships? How to understand that this is not self-deception and not flight, immaturity, not blaming everything on some “abuser”?

- The topic is very extensive . .. And the answer, I think, is simple, in short. Anyone can get into abuse. But to hang in it for a long time is only a person with considerable personal problems, prone to codependency and with masochistic attitudes. nine0003

And, unfortunately, the majority of such people. We receive this baggage from toxic parents and society, which form a distorted picture of the world for us, where love must be earned and suffered, where to slap the table and switch to bass is “the behavior of a real man”, and being “wise and understanding” is a strategy " the right woman." Where you always need to be “perfect” and “go through life laughing”, be “efficient” and positive. Where to talk about your desires - selfishness, to reject mistreatment - "want too much." nine0003

Therefore, often we really tolerate abuse and cannot get out of it because of our immaturity. Is it possible for a child to solve such a problem?

But this does not change the fact that this immature person is really being abused, suffering and needs at least non-judgment. We are very fond of operating with the word “guilt”. Just an itch to appoint someone to blame. A woman publishes a photo of the beatings, she is immediately asked: why are you like this? You might think there is something for which you can beat a person. I think that it is more humane and appropriate to talk about the trouble, but not about the fault of the injured person. nine0003

By the way, for many of my readers, it is the experience of serious abuse that becomes a powerful impetus to self-study and work with a psychologist. The process is long, often painful, but so many “powdered” abscesses and smeared scars are opened that people really change a lot and come to psychological maturity.

“Solo life (and not “terrible” loneliness) is a worldwide trend”

— You communicate with a large number of women from different cities. There is a lot of talk these days about the problem of single women over 30. What do you think about it? nine0012

- This is no longer a problem. In general, solo life (and not “terrible” loneliness) is a global trend. And what will be your life without a partner - loneliness, outcast or solo life - depends on your mental health and order in the worldview.

It is normal for a person to strive for another person. But for a healthy, psychologically adult person, this “active search” will not be an obsession. It will simply be interesting and joyful to live, open to life and people. He doesn't want to stick to anyone. He is not bored, there is always something to do. He enjoys solitude as much, if not more, than communication. And, as a rule, next to him are also good people. nine0003

The one who cannot live without merging with another, without co-dependent relationships, who is so afraid of the mythical “pressure of society” – of course, is terribly afraid of loneliness, and the further, the more.

It is normal for a person to strive for another person. But for a healthy, psychologically adult person, this “active search” will not be an obsession. It will simply be interesting and joyful to live, open to life and people

— Do your readers consider loneliness their problem? nine0012

- Smaller part. Others hope to meet a good man and start a family, others consider it optimal for themselves to meet someone without living together, others completely exclude close communication with men from their lives.

But do not rush to feel sorry for them. Those whom I know are doing very well: they raise children, study, open businesses, earn good money, travel, have fun ... Often they do everything that they could not afford in a relationship with a man. And they really like the new quality of life. nine0003

— What problems can the path of loneliness create for a woman in the future?

— Again, it all depends on the woman herself. If you feel like a loser, "illiquid", then, of course, if you do not work on your worldview, the problem will intensify over the years.

If a woman loves and appreciates herself, has a taste for life, communicates with life in an adult language, for her such a life becomes a source of joy rather than grief.

And we must always remember: with a high degree of probability, each of us will experience moments of loneliness in life. Nothing is 100% stable. Even if we have a husband, we can separate from him, become a widow. The parents are also dead. Children leave the parental home, and this is normal. Therefore, it is worth learning in advance to appreciate loneliness and consider it not a curse, but an interesting - temporary or not - life experience. nine0003

— Is such a phenomenon as a pickup truck common in Russian society today? And how to recognize a pickup artist?

— By the way, people often ask me: “Maybe he’s just a pick-up artist, and not an abuser?” A pickup artist is always an abuser! After all, what is a pickup truck? The conscious use of manipulative tactics to get a woman to bed quickly and cost-effectively. Moreover, a special chic - so that she “didn’t understand how it happened herself,” she sacrificed her principles about the speed of rapprochement. To make a girl a slave, completely subservient - that's the goal of a pickup truck. That is, we are talking about deliberate deception! nine0003

Interestingly, sex is the tenth thing for a pick-up artist. The main thing is a new tick in the list of "victories". This is necessary to pump up unhealthy self-esteem, which is usually underestimated, sometimes prohibitively high and never adequate.

I admit that not every pickup artist is a seasoned abuser. Young fragile minds can temporarily fall under the influence of the "masters" of the pickup truck, inspired by their false irresistibility. Key word: "on time". A more or less mentally healthy person understands that one cannot use others as a simulator for pumping up one's ego. In principle, he is disgusted by the idea of ​​a location bought by manipulation. And his self-esteem does not require any pumping. It is stable and has nothing to do with the number of "laid" ladies. nine0003 Photo

“My goal is not to persecute abusers, as some people attribute to me”

— How did you yourself come to this topic of abuse? What does your book “Fear, I am with you” teach and how does it help?

- I have already said that I have been interested in the topic for 30 years, after I had a close conversation with a similar person at 15. In my trilogy "Fear, I'm with you" I tell people in an accessible way, according to what laws abuse develops in a relationship, what the abuser does during the "Tests of the pen", and what - at the stage of "Juicer". nine0003

I gave each stage of the destructive scenario an author's name and literally illustrated each of my words with fragments from the stories of my readers. That's why the abusers I've described are from real life and not "from a textbook." They are easily recognizable.

My goal is not to prosecute abusers, as some people say I am. No. I help people understand the topic of violence, learn to guess the “cruel romance” “from three notes” and quickly cut off such contacts.

And of course, if it were not for the hundreds or perhaps thousands of stories sent to me by readers, I would not have been able to explore this topic as deeply as such rich practical material allowed me to do. Therefore, “I help” and “I teach” is probably a loud word. We all, me and my readers, help each other and teach each other. nine0003

Natalia Antropova, photo by


Tanya Tank — psychologist, author of the trilogy “Be afraid, I'm with you. A terrible book about the fatal and irresistible”, leading thematic blogs on Instagram and LiveJournal.


Read online The World of the Narcissistic Victim. Relationships in the context of modern neurosis”, Anastasia Dolganova – LitRes

Narcissism, narcissistic personality disorder —

a personality disorder characterized by a belief in one's own uniqueness, special position, superiority over other people; inflated opinion about their talents and achievements; preoccupation with fantasies about their successes; expectation of an unconditionally good attitude and unquestioning obedience to others; seeking the admiration of others to confirm their uniqueness and significance.

Narcissistic injury -

a specific trace in the personality of those who were brought up by narcissistic people or simply had too much traumatic experience of interacting with them. It represents an increased vulnerability to shame, as well as difficulty in maintaining boundaries between oneself and others. Most people with narcissistic trauma either, like narcissistic personalities, put a lot of effort into maintaining a sense of their super-importance, or tend to meekly comply with the whims of others, afraid to face their wrath. nine0003

Meanwhile, unlike individuals with pathological narcissism, narcissistically injured people retain a sufficient level of reflection to be able to realize their own envy, shame and guilt.

Narcissistic victim -

90,002 people in a relationship with a person with pronounced narcissistic traits (narcissistic relationships).

The era of narcissism

There is such a thing as "modern neurosis". This means that in every time, in every century, the history and culture of human civilization develop in such a way that children born at that time will have common features, patterns in behavior that have appeared in connection with a special style of upbringing and development conditions. Our age is considered the age of narcissism, when the manifestation of narcissistic traits is found in the majority. There is even talk of an “epidemic of narcissism.” nine0003

We modern adults who seek and enter into relationships are children of the same era, of the same culture. I think that this is true only for children of Europeanized countries. The culture of Asia or Africa, the culture of small, detached from general trends, nationalities has its own specific features. They certainly have their own special neuroses.

The epidemic of narcissism is a pro-civilized society that can use all the modern achievements of science and technology, with blurred boundaries, great freedom, and the availability of a wide variety of knowledge. A huge information field, which is available to every modern person, influences him, whether he wants it or not. This information field has goals to strive for, values ​​to rely on, patterns of behavior to follow. They are told to us by parents, teachers, peers. We occupy a place in society according to how we correspond to these patterns, and we can only claim in the world what we deserve, based on our “rightness” or “wrongness”. nine0003

A striking example of the world's narcissistic demands is the "American dream." An American can consider himself successful when he has reached a certain level of wealth. The United States, interestingly, is moving away from this stereotype: decades of psychotherapy habits are taking their toll. But the message itself is very tenacious: you need to go from an ordinary person to someone who decides the fate of the world, because he has a lot of money. Neither Steve Jobs nor Henry Ford would have been so popular if the material component was removed from their stories. They would have remained brilliant, bright personalities, but they would not have been so interesting. Modern idols are the rich. nine0003

There is a fairly simple template that suggests a scheme for getting rich: take risks, work hard, do everything perfectly, be a leader. In general, these four pieces of advice are given in most self-development books, more specifically. This template is not feasible because it describes a flat reality, assuming that a person only needs to make an effort and he will change. Millions and billions of people blame themselves for laziness, considering it the only reason for their inadequacy.

This pattern is full of holes. What to do with fatigue? With negative feelings? With a lack of resources? With mistakes and defeats? In general, with the whole psychic reality that does not fit and will never fit into a template that is too small for it? nine0003

There is a category of clients who come to psychotherapy not to know themselves, but to force themselves to be someone else. Often these are entrepreneurs, high-level managers, self-employed specialists. They see themselves as ineffective and need to remove the hindrances in their personality.

Denis, for example, comes for coaching: he wants to understand why his goals are not being met or are being fulfilled slowly. He is a top manager and works under a lot of pressure. He is very thin, it is clear that he does not sleep much, he always takes notes and always refuses tea. His goals are not met because they are inadequate: he wants too much, too quickly, and hates himself too much for failing. He recently had a third child in his marriage, which he does not like. His father is seriously ill. Denis is very ill, and he goes to work, including in order to be distracted. Work stress, feeling like a failure, thoughts that his life should be different, in fact, are not only and not so much about work, but when they are projected onto it, they are easier to bear. The idea of ​​professional success becomes super significant because it looks the simplest. If Denis realizes that this is impossible in the form in which he imagines it, then he will have to rethink other aspects of his life and live a lot of pain, from which he is so well removed. nine0276

Lena comes to therapy with a question about knowing herself and her destiny. It seems to her that she would be more successful, she would not have doubts and laziness, if she knew exactly what she was intended for. The search for such a thing is to a large extent connected with the culture in which she lives: her circle of friends is “people interested in self-development”, roughly speaking, a psychological and esoteric party with average requirements for how to live correctly. A lot of books read, a lot of attended trainings, a lot of confidence that it is already conscious and developed. Only Lena does not have a sense of her destiny, but according to the requirements she should be. For the sake of this very mission, Lena does not get enough sleep, because she meditates in the morning, goes in for sports to train willpower and uses all sorts of affirmations. As a result, she moves further and further away from hearing herself real, with her real feelings and needs, and the question of destiny does not budge. nine0276

And Kostya heard in the company of young entrepreneurs about a business guru who changes consciousness, and people become billionaires. Kostya has no money for this guru yet. He tries to keep and develop his first business while his acquaintance opens branches all over the country after meeting this same guru. Kostya ignores the fact that his friend's father is a big businessman and they have completely different input resources. It seems to Kostya that if he had been more diligent (and also, of course, if I had worked better), then he would have been like that. nine0276

Since the world is narcissistic, it offers competition as the main form of interaction between people. Competition permeates every area of ​​life, replacing other forms of interaction: intimacy, learning, partnership, collaborative exploration. In any relationship, there is always a question of comparison. We compete with friends for who is better at coping with difficulties, with lovers for power, with strangers for the right to social attention and approval. Parents compete with the help of their children. Children - with the help of toys, clothes, parents. Later, you can compete through ratings or the number of friends, even later - the amount of money and the ideal family on the pages of Instagram. In the absence of obvious competitive qualities, one can compete in the number of problems, in illnesses and misfortunes. nine0003

Such competition is based on anxiety, a person worries that there will be no place for him in this life if he does not become the best.

The guarantee of such a place is given only by a win by a margin, that is, a win that cannot even be doubted, because everyone else was left far behind. This makes competition unhealthy: in normal relationships there is competition, but it does not involve winning in the absence of other participants. Narcissistic experience, on the other hand, dictates the need to crush, devalue, and destroy rivals in order for the gain to be unambiguous. With unstable self-esteem, the presence of a competitor - at least in the line of sight - means that victory is doubtful. nine0003

Unhealthy, compulsive competition will take a big place in narcissistic relationships. The prize in this competition is a narcissistic sense of self-righteousness, which reduces anxiety.

Anya is in a relationship with Vlad, and this is a narcissistic relationship. A bright narcissist is Vlad, Anya perceives herself as a victim of narcissism. A lot of things are difficult for her in these relationships: to endure his ridicule or fits of anger, to meet the requirements, to withstand magical thinking. She tries to teach him to be more tolerant and rational. Every time his omens and superstitions don't work, she takes notice and makes fun of him. Even publicly, she can make a comment like: “Well, Vlad is wearing a lucky shirt today, let him negotiate a discount.” Vlad, of course, is furious, and this is not safe for Anya, but she does it anyway. Anya feels that he treats her like an uneducated simpleton. Vlad feels like he's being treated like a fool. They compete with each other for who among them has the right to be considered a full-fledged person. nine0276

And Nastya and Zhenya compete for friends: when friendly companies meet, there are always outbreaks of quarrels between them - Nastya cries, Zhenya leaves in a rage. Nastya, left alone with other people, complains a lot about her life and exposes Zhenya's secrets, exposing him as a rapist and gigolo. Zhenya acts more directly, at the next meeting, obviously controlling Nastya's alcohol under the sauce "get drunk again and act like a fool." At the same time, alone with each other, they are quite capable of respect and mutual devotion. They become enemies only in the presence of spectators. nine0276

Narcissistic family

Narcissistic trauma can also occur in relationships with parents. The experience of rejection of children and children's needs in parental families is diverse and can be dictated by situations that are very different in context.

A mother or father may make impossible demands on their children because they make impossible demands on themselves. These are the so-called "facade" families. For them, the impression they make from the outside, the social assessment of family life, is very important. Children in such families are a threat: a living and real child inevitably communicates information to the world that adults would like to hide. This happens both in words and in behavior: a child can simply talk about the fact that his parents quarrel, or he can often get sick or study poorly, which also exposes the real state of affairs in such a family. Therefore, the child is required to maintain the facade - an illusion created by adults, at the cost of abandoning real feelings and needs. Often children in such families do not have the right to be tired, should not have social or developmental difficulties, should not be dirty, affected or sick. Little perfect touches to the portrait of an ideal family - that's what their function is. nine0003

It happens that such a message does not come from both parents, but only from one. Then the child finds himself in the same boat with the second parent and theoretically can turn to him for support, but in reality it happens that by the time the children appear, the second spouse is overwhelmed by the partner’s desire to maintain apparent ideality. Often, after some time, he begins to consciously or unconsciously rebel, demonstrating socially unacceptable behavior (staying late at night, drinking), losing a stable income, or becoming seriously ill. This does not improve the life of the child, but vice versa. The swaying ideal picture increases the demands on the remaining controlled family member (the child), and the pressure on him only intensifies. nine0003

It turns out that such a child can feel needed and loved only by demonstrating the behavior necessary for his mother or father. The rest must be abandoned. Correct behavior is met with jubilation, praise, pride when the child is told “you are the best”, or a reduction in tension within the family. Misbehavior is met with frustration, coldness, aggression, and "I'm ashamed of you" comments. Disintegration occurs: the child can feel either wonderful or terrible.

Liza's father, as she grew older, drank more and more and more away from the family, becoming inadequate both when drunk and when sober. Mother reconciled, fought, regretted, heroically saved, gave birth to new children. The father became more and more difficult over time, the mother became weaker, and naturally, part of the care and rescue functions fell on the eldest daughter. Lisa remembers how her mother thanked her with tears for her help in bringing her insane father home, how she told her daughter “how would I be without you.” Lisa was proud of it. At the same time, she was forbidden to have at least some difficulties in her life, since her mother already had enough problems. Liza has a medal, red diplomas, sports cups. Ignoring her true feelings, in her adult relationships she is masochistically silent about needs and narcissistically believes that she always does more for the relationship for the partner. Mentally stable men do not get along with her. This kind of worries Lisa, but not really: her main function is still “mother's pride” and “a reproach to her father, because her daughter turned out so wonderful without his help. ” nine0276

Everything is simpler with Vova - he just can't do anything. You can’t get sick, angry, get carried away with something, you can’t quarrel with someone, and you can’t become attached to someone either. He is the heir to the family business, he must study well and live up to expectations. But exactly what expectations should be justified is not entirely clear. If he studies for one five, he is a nerd, if he has difficulties with his studies, he is a moron. If he works a lot, then he ruins himself, if he rests for the series, he is mediocre. Vova is used to the fact that any of his contact with his own family brings pain, and has "grown" armor that makes him immune not only to the words of his parents, but to everything in general. He looks lifeless and feels the same way. He cannot be happy, sad, empathize with someone. Only affects remained: envy, rage, jealousy. He is not interested in other people because he does not have an inner life that would fill the relationship. He is a selfish and manipulative leader, an indifferent and demanding partner. The main content of his life is the tension associated with trying to do at least something to silence the inner criticizing voice. Sometimes, if by chance he reproduces the desired behavior, he is praised, and for a few hours he can relax. Then everything starts all over again (usually with the saying "it was only worth praising you"). nine0276

In these stories there is at least a reward for doing the right thing, where the child can actually feel loved, even if not for very long. It happens that a significant adult, in principle, is not able to love, or it is difficult for him to love this particular child.

This happens when pregnancy and birth happen by accident, or with the wrong partner, or when the birth of a child changes life dramatically for the worse.

The maternal instinct that makes a woman love her child, no matter what the circumstances, is a myth. nine0237

A woman may not want children at all, because it interferes with her freedom and career, but she can agree to her husband's persuasion and public pressure. Or she may love another man and get pregnant by accident. Hormonal failure after pregnancy can be superimposed on the stress associated with serious and irreversible changes in life, and then the depression and apathy of the mother will not allow her to feel joy and love in contact with the child. Whatever he does and whatever he is, the child may not be able to change the mother and teach her to feel differently. nine0003

Good feelings for a child may also be unavailable if traumatic experiences are associated with it: violence, for example, or a husband's infidelity during pregnancy. In this case, feelings are transferred to the child that are unsafe to experience towards the source of injury: fear, anger, contempt, hatred. These feelings can be so strong that the mother cannot cope with them and transfers them into her relationship with her children.

Likewise, there is no place for love when the birth of a child actualizes the mother's or father's fear of death. This happens when pregnancy is associated with a difficult physical condition and a threat to life, when the appearance of a new family member complicates the situation to the level of survival, when there is someone nearby who poses a direct threat. Past experience can also be frightening: the children and grandchildren of the blockade of Leningrad or participants in hostilities often talk about the fear of death that was passed on to them by their ancestors - in unbearable conditions, the appearance of children really reduced the chances of an adult surviving. nine0003

Ira's grandmother is a witness of the Battle of Kursk. It is a terrible experience, an experience of mass death, an experience of survival on the edge. She can no longer be normal: a broken psyche does not allow her to experience feelings that require security - affection, tenderness, love. Peace for her is military action. She brings up her daughter, Ira's mother, in this way. So she brings up her granddaughter Ira when she is born. Every day a little girl watches the war between her mother and grandmother, a war of life and death, in which she has no place. Ira is torn between the desire to attract all the same much-needed attention to herself and the need to freeze so that a stray bullet does not kill her. As they grow older, the patterns do not change: Ira either freezes in fear, or attracts attention with her brightness, eccentricity, and talent. She has many fears masquerading as outward confidence. She is a fan of control, a tyrant and despot in her own family. If something does not go the way Ira wanted and planned, then a wave of anger rises from within her, in the depths of which there is always a fear of death. Ira has no children. nine0276

And Sonya is the rapist's daughter. Her mother's Tatar family kicked out the young girl for shame, inflicting a double trauma: a rape victim, she did not meet support and help, she was punished and expelled. Several times she tried to get rid of the pregnancy, then - from the child. Did not work out. Mother reconciled with Sonya, but she never learned to feel anything for her except anger. To the relief of both of them, mother and daughter no longer communicate. But Sonya still cannot stand the slightest discontent: she still seems to feel that she could be killed at any moment. Sonya's main goal is to protect herself and save her life. nine0276

The father can also inflict narcissistic injury. He can be detached, immersed in business, work, hobbies, alcohol or illness. The rejection of a child may not be direct: a father may demonstrate to his daughter or son the joy of their existence, a willingness to play or help, but it may simply be very little. The child, with his magical thinking, interprets the constant physical or emotional absence of his father as a rejection, the cause of which is in himself. The detached mother also gives the child a narcissistic experience. nine0003

Olya, a child of the 1990s, has all her memories of her childhood - anxiety attacks for her absent mother and father. To earn money, dad sold meat, mom was a taxi driver, both returned home late. On TV and in the newspapers they talked about lawlessness. Olya spent every evening at the door to the apartment waiting for the sound of the elevator and did not understand why she was left alone and why taking care of her endangered the lives of her parents (as my mother said: “you need books for school and new clothes, so we dad should work). Olya, who has grown up, does not allow herself to be taken care of, does not recognize her weakness, and can do everything in the world herself. She cannot stand closeness and dependence on another person. She hates women for weakness, men for risk, the world for injustice. nine0276

Our own feelings can also hurt us. On the way of our development, each of us meets a new world, for the knowledge of which an adult is needed: to tell the names of objects and their functions, to teach behavior that will ensure our safety, to orient in society. Everything is new to a newborn, and for the rest of our lives we will encounter something that is not in our experience. If there is someone nearby who can guide us, then this new thing can be made part of a safe world and learn how to use it. nine0003

A child's own inner world, the world of feelings and emotions, is also something absolutely new for a child. Faced with their emotional reactions, children do not know if this is normal or abnormal and what to do about it now. If an adult nearby is not ready to explain, console, regulate, then emotions become frightening and the psyche seeks to suppress them. For example, very often this happens with a sense of shame: instead of supporting and comforting, an adult increases shame. This is also a narcissistic injury: shame, which tells us that something is wrong with us, cannot be experienced and therefore is repressed, and we begin to make efforts to create a person who will be devoid of shame. nine0003

Colin's father left the family when his son was still small and did not communicate with Kolya anymore. The mother remained in a strong offense at her ex-husband, but he was inaccessible, and Kolya was within reach. The mother's need to repent and apologize to her led directly to the cultivation of shame in this family: the slightest mistake of the son was perceived by his mother as an opportunity to carry out educational measures, to make Kolya ashamed and thereby grow out of him a better person than he was. father. The measures, of course, had the opposite effect, and now Kolya is running around out of shame (and responsibility). The mother is disappointed, the father never showed up, and Kolya does not have the opportunity to become happier - too much effort is spent on maintaining the illusion that everything is already so good and he has nothing to be ashamed of. nine0276

Not only the absence of love can injure, but also too much love. In families of single mothers, for example, it may seem to a woman that she no longer wants a relationship with a man: they are unsafe, painful. In this case, all unrealized excitement is placed in the child-parent relationship. The same thing happens when the marriage is not very successful and the mother or father chooses to build relationships with children, and not with each other.

Then the child becomes the concentration of adult hopes for an ideal partner. He must please the parent, not argue with him, not anger or upset, always be available for the needs of an adult, must admire him, must first of all want to spend time with him. Such love is violent. It denies the right of the child to feelings and needs that are unbearable for the parent. nine0003

Masha, for example, must be in love with her dad. Mom left the family when her daughter was already thirteen. Rather, the parents divorced, and the teenager was offered to choose with whom to live. Masha chose her father - either out of pity, or because there was already a special relationship between them at that time, in which there was no place for the mother. For many years they lived together, and now, when Masha has her own family and two daughters, she buys him an apartment nearby so that dad can help her with the children. Dad has no life of his own. Masha, in general, too. She has no right to even think about it, even to admit that she wants to spend time alone with her family. For this reason, Masha is distant from her husband and children, but to understand this means to jeopardize relations with her father, so Masha accuses her husband of coldness and other family problems. This confused woman is tormented by the need to choose a father, wants closeness with her husband and children, but the choice has already been made. She can only devalue her real partner and consider dad the main source of happiness, so that at least this choice is justified. nine0276

Children with a protracted difficult life situation in childhood may also develop narcissistic traits as a defense that helps them survive in poor conditions. For example, if the parents are constantly quarreling and the situation is close to divorce, the child may take full responsibility for what is happening. This is also narcissism.

Every child has a magical thinking based on his feeling that he is the center of the world. When relations between parents are bad or complicated by a situation that adults cannot cope with (lack of money, illness, failure, depression), then it is the child who may feel obliged to resolve it. He cannot do anything real, but he can use magical thinking, inventing peculiar “deals” with reality. If I study well, my mother will get better. If my father comes home today, then I will behave myself and never say a bad word to him again. If I only wear this dress, then everything will be fine. nine0003

Sometimes God is present as the second side in such ideas, but not necessarily. Cause-and-effect relationships invented by the child, in which the behavior of adults depends on his behavior, help him feel the illusion of control, perform the function of self-soothing when adults are not able to take care of him. Normally, the ability to take care of oneself is a good quality, but here it is tied to the idea of ​​grandiosity, hyper-responsibility. When the child grows up and the situation in which this perception developed disappears, the patterns remain. Often, adult manipulative strategies are added to them, and the very reason - the perception of the world as fragile and completely dependent on behavior - goes deep into the unconscious. nine0003

Yulia, who survived the divorce of her parents, cannot bear most of the feelings of the people around her. She feels bad if someone nearby is upset, angry, sad, offended, disappointed, in despair. It seems to Yulia that these feelings will surely lead to a catastrophe, to the breakdown of relations. Therefore, she does her best to make people close to her happy - or rather, demonstrate happiness to her, because in fact it is impossible to be happy all the time. She is persistent in this to the point of violence, forbidding her family from any negative experiences. She has a wide range of tricks, from introjections about positive thinking to manipulation of her health and outright aggression. For example, for the sake of her husband, who was depressed by failure at work, Yulia launched a whole campaign. At first, she organized a joint vacation for him in a sanatorium, where she constantly attracted him to recreational activities. Then she dragged him to a lecture by a famous lecturer, where they talked about how bad thoughts attract bad events. For days on end, Julia chirped, laughed, invited her husband to dance or paint, and when he finally broke down, she fell ill from frustration. Her husband, not amused by her activity, nevertheless portrayed elation for her out of guilt. At the same time, Yulia considers him ungrateful, incapable of emotions and empathy, possibly a psychopath. nine0276

Narcissism, which is based on the distortion of reality, also develops in children of rapists, people with mental disorders, addicts, terminally ill people. The same is typical for those who found themselves in a difficult life situation: they ended up in an orphanage, in the epicenter of hostilities. The reality in this case is too complicated and painful. For children, in principle, it is typical to go into fantasies, which help to survive difficult moments with little or no harm to the psyche. But if there is shame in this reality, then fantasies can take on a hypercompensating character, helping the child to suppress this experience. nine0003

These may be revenge fantasies, innocence fantasies, superpower fantasies. Children fantasize about being able to fly, that they can shoot laser beams out of their eyes, or that they can run the fastest. The modern culture of superheroes provides a lot of food for such fantasies, the main thing in which is the invulnerability of the hero to his offenders and the ability to create retribution with impunity for those who offend the small and weak. True, it happens that already in childhood, in an invented image, there are no traits of generosity and concern for the weak, but there is only a function of aggression and destruction. nine0003

As they grow older, these fantasies become less and less harmless and can turn, for example, into fantasizing about oneself as a superman, a genius, about someone who is destined to play a big role in world history. Often this serves as an excuse for aggressiveness and inappropriate behavior. Often a grandiose idea contains an element of mediation: then a person is not God, but the voice of God, the one who hears his voice and is called to inform others about it. Prophets, assistants to sect leaders, religious fanatics are people often raped or traumatized in childhood, who are thus freed from the aggression accumulated in a painful childhood. In this case, material gain is not so important (unlike the same psychopaths, for whom this issue is paramount). nine0003

Such ideas always contain aggression. Even if this is the idea of ​​a Savior, he is with a fiery sword.

Sasha is a man of the world, he lives in India, Nepal, Vietnam, Laos. A strict vegan yoga practitioner, he has been celibate for the past twenty years. For his students and followers, this is part of the purification practice. In fact, Sasha has the intention to conceive a divine being, for which he needs another ten years to live in austerity. He is already choosing a mother for his divine son, creating around him an environment of young and beautiful women who provide for and serve him. He does not have sex with them, but exploits them to the fullest. They all live together and do practices together; these women are forbidden to be with other partners. If one of the women leaves this camp, then the point is in her: of course, she could not stand the temptation of the worldly and now she is not worthy even to call the name of the Teacher aloud (by the way, he promises them all that even for bad thoughts about him they will be karmically punished ).

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