Narcissist and relationship

In a Relationship with a Narcissist? A Guide to Narcissistic Relationships

In a Relationship with a Narcissist? What You Need to Know About Narcissistic Relationships

Narcissistic relationships are formed when one or both partners struggle with a narcissistic personality. Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is defined by The Mayo Clinic as “a mental disorder in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance and a deep need for admiration. Those with narcissistic personality disorder believe that they’re superior to others and have little regard for other people’s feelings. But behind this mask of ultra-confidence lies a fragile self-esteem, vulnerable to the slightest criticism.”

We live in an increasingly narcissistic world. Hard statistics and science are pointing in this direction. The “look at me” mentality that is often promoted by social networks like Facebook has people positively enamored with the image they present to the world. In addition, we may now be seeing the negative effects of the self-esteem movement on a larger scale. So how does this rise in narcissism impact our personal relationships? For one thing, more narcissism means more narcissistic relationships.

Professor Brad Bushman of the Ohio State University put it bluntly, when he said: “Narcissists are very bad relationship partners.” Studies show that in a narcissistic relationship, your partner is more likely to engage in manipulative or game playing behaviors and less likely to be committed long-term. A relationship with a narcissist can be hard to cope with. To shed light on the common outcomes, struggles, and effects of a narcissistic relationship, we’ve interviewed psychologist and author Dr. Lisa Firestone.

How Can You Tell if You Are in a Narcissistic Relationship?

When thinking about narcissism, I’m often reminded of the joke when someone goes on and on about themselves, then interrupts with, “But enough about me, how do you feel about me?” If your partner is all about themselves, always needing attention and affirmation, he or she may be a narcissist. If someone is easily slighted or over-reactive to criticism, they may also be a narcissist. If they feel they are always right, that they know more, or that they have to be the best, etc., these are also signs of narcissism. Narcissistic individuals may only appear to care about you when you are fulfilling their needs or serving a purpose for them. A narcissistic relationship can lead to a lot of emotional distress.

It is estimated that around 1% of population suffers from NPD. However, many people who have NPD do not seek treatment and therefore are never diagnosed. Studies show that men are more likely to be narcissistic. Roughly 75% of the individuals diagnosed with NPD are men. Although almost everyone has some self-centered or narcissistic traits, most people do not meet the criteria for having a personality disorder. There is, however, a growing portion of the population that is displaying a greater number of toxic, narcissistic traits, which are having an adverse effect on their lives and the lives of people close to them, even if they do not meet the clinical diagnosis of NPD. Forming attachments to individuals who exhibit these negative traits often causes similar distress as a diagnosable narcissistic relationship.

A new study from Ohio State University has found that one simple question can identify narcissists as accurately as the 40-item test that has been widely used to diagnose NPD. The question is simple, rating yourself on a scale of 1-7: “To what extent do you agree with this statement: I am a narcissist. (Note: The word ‘narcissist’ means egotistical, self-focused and vain.)” You can even try out this free interactive narcissism quiz. However, while this study suggests that many narcissists will freely admit to their narcissistic tendencies, it is important to note that most narcissists resist the diagnosis of NPD. Narcissists, generally, do not like to be told that they are narcissists. In fact, they often have a strong negative and volatile reaction.

Below are some common traits that a narcissistic relationship partner is likely to have: (Note the degree to which these traits manifest themselves will vary largely depending on the individual. )

Sense of entitlement or superiority
Lack of empathy
Manipulative or controlling behavior
Strong need for admiration
Focus on getting one’s own needs met, often ignoring the needs of others
Higher levels of aggression
Difficulty taking feedback about their behavior

Why do people become narcissistic? Is it a symptom of something else?

Narcissistic people often have narcissistic parents, who offered them a build up but no real substance. Their parents wanted them to be great, so they could be the parent of a great person, the best artist, smartest student, etc. Often narcissistic people were also neglected, as their parents were so focused on themselves that they could not attune to their child or meet their child’s emotional needs. The child was only useful to these parents when they were serving a purpose for them. Often, the parents of a person with NPD alternated between emotional hunger toward the child and disinterest.

Narcissists have inflated self-esteem (both self-soothing and self-aggrandizing “voices”) a component of what my father, Dr. Robert Firestone, refers to as the “anti-self.” They are very fragile, because the flip side of their self-aggrandized feeling is very low self-esteem, the other component of the anti-self (made up of extremely self-hating and self-demeaning “critical inner voices”). So, for these people, even slight criticism can be a narcissistic injury, leading to an angry outburst and desperate attempts to regain their fragile, inflated self-esteem. Often, a condescending remark will help them to reestablish their superior image. Condescending is a common dynamic in narcissistic relationships. This behavior can be traced back to the need desperate need narcissists feel to be above others.

What are the different types of Narcissism?

While all narcissists are likely to show certain behaviors, not all narcissists are the same. In fact, there are two different types of narcissism, Grandiose Narcissism and Vulnerable Narcissism. These types of narcissism stem from different early childhood experiences andlead to different behaviors in a relationship.

Grandiose narcissists display high levels of grandiosity, aggression and dominance. They tend to be more confident and less sensitive. They are often elitists and have no problem telling everyone how great they are. Usually grandiose narcissists were treated as if they were superior in their early childhood and they move through life expecting this type of treatment to continue. In relationships, grandiose narcissists are more likely to openly engage in infidelity or leave their partners abruptly if they feel that they are not getting the special treatment that they think they are entitled to.

Vulnerable narcissists, on the other hand, are much more emotionally sensitive. They have what Dr. Campbell describes as a “fragile grandiosity,” in which their narcissism serves as a façade protecting deeper feelings of inadequacy and incompetence. Vulnerable narcissists swing back and forth between feeling superior and inferior. They often feel victimized or anxious when they are not treated as if they are special. This type of narcissism usually develops in early childhood as a coping mechanism to deal with abuse or neglect. In relationships, vulnerable narcissists often worry about how their partners perceive them. They can be very possessive, jealous and paranoid about their partners having flirtations or affairs.

How does a narcissistic partner negatively impact a relationship?

Narcissistic relationships tend to be very challenging. Narcissistic partners usually have difficulty really loving someone else, because they don’t truly love themselves. They are so focused on themselves that they cannot really “see” their partner as a separate person. They tend to only see the partner in terms of how they fill their needs (or fail to fill their needs). Their mates and children are only valued in terms of their ability to meet these needs. Narcissistic partners often lack the ability to have empathy with their partners’ feelings. This lack of empathy leads to a lot of hard feelings.

Yet many people are drawn to narcissistic relationships. Narcissistic partners can be very captivating, especially at the beginning. They tend to have a “big” personality. They are the life of the party. They can make you feel that you too must be great for them to choose you. However, in time, they can be too controlling in relationships. They may feel jealous or easily hurt. When narcissistic injuries occur, they often lash out and can be cutting. Their reactions are dramatic and attention-seeking. According to narcissistic personality expert, Dr. W. Keith Campbell, “The effects of narcissism are most substantial in relation to interpersonal functioning. In general, trait narcissism is associated with behaving in such a way that one is perceived as more likable in initial encounters with strangers— but this likability diminishes with time and increased exposure to the narcissistic individual. ” This is why many people, who have been in a long-term narcissistic relationships, describe a very passionate and exciting honeymoon period in the beginning and then a sharp decline as the likability decreases and the self-centered behaviors increase. Narcissists are prone to falling madly in love with someone instantly and are very quick to commit. However, this initial love and commitment is not easily sustained.

When you are in a narcissistic relationship, you may feel very lonely. You might feel like you are just an accessory and your needs and wants are unimportant. Narcissistic partners act as if they are always right, that they know better and that their partner is wrong or incompetent. This often leaves the other person in the relationship either angry and trying to defend themselves or identifying with this negative self-image and feeling badly about themselves.

Read: Is There a Cure For Narcissism

What are some things a person can do to deal with a narcissistic partner?

If you find yourself in a narcissism relationship, you can first recognize what you have chosen and reflect on the unconscious motives that might have led you to choose such a partner. Did you have a self-centered parent? Are you more comfortable with your partner being in control, so you can then take be more passive? Do you get a sense of worth from being attached to someone who is in the spotlight? Does the negative image of yourself they foster with their criticisms and superior attitudes resonate with your own critical thoughts about yourself? Many people who fall in love with narcissists have issues around co-dependency. They will put up with a certain amount of abuse because they don’t feel confident enough in themselves to set boundaries or be on their own.

Understanding your role in the narcissistic relationship is important. You can then start to challenge yourself to change your half of the dynamic. This will, in turn, challenge your partner to change their style of relating. You can recognize the fragility of your partner’s self-esteem and have compassion for the fact that his or her inflated sense of self, superiority and grandiosity is a cover up for the flip side of self-hate and feelings of inadequacy. You can also develop your own self-confidence and self-worth by learning to practice self-compassion. Don’t be a victim. In all encounters, act equal, and treat your partner as an equal.

How can people face and overcome their own narcissism?

A narcissist can challenge and overcome their narcissism by recognizing and separating from both the self-soothing, self-aggrandizing and self-attacking attitudes of their critical inner voice. The attitudes they internalized very early on in their lives. They need to recognize and challenge these attitudes toward themselves and toward others. One method for doing this is through Voice Therapy.

Narcissists further need to differentiate from negative traits of their parents or early caretakers that they are still acting out in their current lives. These traits might include superior attitudes or condescending behaviors. They also need to give up the adaptations they made to the ways their own parents neglected them or were emotionally hungry toward them. These adaptations may have once been their survival mechanisms, but they now manage to push others away and sabotage personal lives and goals. Narcissists also need to break patterns of being self-centered or withholding. They must fight the tendency to always compare themselves to others and the need to be the “best” or “perfect” all the time.

Another way to cure narcissism is to foster self-compassion rather than self-esteem. Psychologist Dr. Kristin Neff has done extensive research on self-esteem versus self-compassion. The difference between self-esteem and self-compassion is that self-esteem centers on evaluating yourself in relation to others and emphasizes a need to be special. While self-compassion focuses on “treating oneself with kindness, recognizing one’s shared humanity, and being mindful when considering negative aspects of oneself.” Dr. Neff’s studies have found that self-esteem leads to higher levels of narcissism, but self-compassion does not. Self-compassion actually combats narcissism because it includes the idea of a shared humanity with all other human beings, which leads to more compassion for others. Self-compassion also fosters real self-awareness, a trait many narcissists lack, as it promotes that we be mindful of our faults, which is the first step to changing negative traits in yourself.

For there to be any hope of recovering a good relationship from a narcissistic relationship, the narcissist must overcome their self-centered and negative traits. They need to challenge their self-feeding habits and pseudo-independent stance. They need to focus on developing their capacity for empathy and respect of others. Lastly, they need to develop transcendent goals, to care about and invest in others’ well-being. Being generous and giving to others are examples of behaviors that would be corrective, building real self-esteem and practicing focusing outside of oneself.

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9 Signs You’re Dating a Narcissist — and How to Deal with Them

Individuals who have narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) believe they are superior and unique compared to others. Signs you could be dating an individual with NPD include the fact that they have very few or no friends, lack empathy, and often gaslight you.

When someone posts one too many selfies on their social media or talks about themselves constantly during a first date, you might call them a narcissist.

But a true narcissist is someone who has narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). Individuals who have NPD believe they are superior and unique compared to others, and they expect to be recognized and treated as such.

They are often unable to recognize the opinions and needs of others and are dismissive of others’ problems.

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5) lists nine criteria for NPD, but it specifies that someone only needs to meet five of them to clinically qualify as a narcissist.

grandiose sense of self-importance
preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
the belief they’re special and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people or institutions
need for excessive admiration
sense of entitlement
interpersonally exploitative behavior
lack of empathy
envy of others or a belief that others are envious of them
demonstration of arrogant and haughty behaviors or attitudes

What it boils down to, according to licensed therapist Rebecca Weiler, LMHC, is selfishness at the expense of others, plus the inability to consider others’ feelings at all.

Like most mental health or personality disorders, there are varying degrees of NPD severity.

“Narcissism falls on a spectrum,” says Beverly Hills family and relationship psychotherapist Dr. Fran Walfish, the author of “The Self-Aware Parent.”

In outpatient settings, for example, people who have a narcissistic personality disorder may be high functioning and relatable, but in the inpatient settings, they can be aggressive and challenging. A person’s aggression typically indicates the severity of the disorder.

Additionally, people who have NPD often experience other physical and mental health conditions, like substance use disorder and anxiety, which may further complicate close relationships.

All that said, knowing the “official” diagnostic criteria doesn’t usually make it easier to spot someone with NPD, especially when you’re romantically involved with one. A qualified expert will typically have to administer a standard psychiatric interview to determine if someone has NPD.

Still, knowing the signs of NPD may help give your relationship some context. Here are some signs to look out for and tips to handle them.

People who have NPD gravitate toward grandiosity and fantasy. Your relationship might have felt like a fairytale at first — maybe they complimented you constantly or told you they loved you within the first month.

Maybe they tell you how smart you are or emphasize how compatible you are, even if you just started seeing each other.

“Narcissists think that they deserve to be with other people who are special, and that special people are the only ones who can appreciate them fully,” says Nedra Glover Tawwab, LCSW, the founder of Kaleidoscope Counseling in Charlotte, North Carolina.

Weiler’s advice: If someone came on too strong at the beginning, be wary. Sure, we all love to feel lusted for. But real love has to be nurtured and grown.

“If you think it’s too early for them to really love you, it probably is. Or if you feel like they don’t know enough about you to actually love you, they probably don’t,” Weiler says.

People with NPD will try to manufacture superficial connections early on in a relationship.

People with NPD have an inflated sense of self-importance and are prone to exaggerating achievements and expecting to be recognized as superior.

“Narcissists love to constantly talk about their own accomplishments and achievements with grandiose,” says psychotherapist Jacklyn Krol, LCSW, of Mind Rejuvenation Therapy. “They do this because they feel better and smarter than everyone else, and also because it helps them create an appearance of being self-assured.”

Clinical psychologist Dr. Angela Grace, PhD, MEd, BFA, BEd, adds that narcissists will often exaggerate their accomplishments and embellish their talents in these stories in order to gain adoration from others.

They’re also too busy talking about themselves to listen to you.

The warning is two-part here, says Grace. First, your partner won’t stop talking about themselves, and second, your partner won’t engage in conversation about you.

Consider these questions: What happens when you do talk about yourself? Do they ask follow-up questions and express interest to learn more about you? Or do they make it about them?

Narcissists may seem like they’re super self-confident. But according to Tawwab, most people with NPD actually lack self-esteem and require excessive attention and admiration.

“They need a lot of praise, and if you’re not giving it to them, they’ll fish for it,” she says. That’s why they’re constantly looking at you to tell them how great they are.

“Narcissists use other people — people who are typically highly empathic — to supply their sense of self-worth and make them feel powerful. But because of their low self-esteem, their egos can be slighted very easily, which increases their need for compliments,” adds Shirin Peykar, LMFT.

“The main difference between folks who are confident and those with NPD is that narcissists need others to lift them up, and lift themselves up only by putting others down. Two things people with high self-confidence do not do,” Peykar says.

As Weiler explains it, “Narcissists punish everyone around them for their lack of self-confidence.”

Lack of empathy, or the ability to feel how another person is feeling, is one of the hallmark characteristics of a narcissist, Walfish says. People who have NPD are often unable to apologize and understand the feelings and perspectives of others.

“Narcissists lack the skill to make you feel seen, validating, understood, or accepted, because they don’t grasp the concept of feelings,” she says.

Does your partner care when you’ve had a bad day at work, fight with your best friend, or scuffle with your parents? Or do they get bored when you express the things making you mad and sad?

Walfish says this inability to empathize, or even sympathize, is often the reason why many, if not all, relationships of people with NPD eventually collapse, whether they’re romantic or not.

It’s common for people with NPD to have frequent conflicts with others. Dig deeper into their connections and you may notice they have few close friends.

On top of this, people with NPD can be hypersensitive and insecure. As a result, they might lash out when you want to hang out with other people.

They might claim that you don’t spend enough time with them, make you feel guilty for spending time with your friends, or berate you for the types of friends you have.

Questions to ask yourself

“How does my partner treat someone they don’t want anything from?”
“Does my partner have any long-term friends?”
“Do they have or talk about wanting a nemesis?”

Maybe, at first, it felt like teasing, but then it became mean. Suddenly, everything you do, from what you wear and eat to who you hang out with and what you watch on TV, is a problem for them.

Antagonism and hostility are well-documented traits in people who have NPD, and their toll on other people is large.

“They’ll put you down, call you names, hit you with hurtful one-liners, and make jokes that aren’t quite funny,” Peykar says. “Their goal is to lower others’ self-esteem so that they can increase their own because it makes them feel powerful.”

What’s more, reacting to what they say may only reinforce their behavior. “A narcissist loves a reaction,” Peykar says. That’s because it shows them they have the power to affect another’s emotional state.

A warning sign: If they knock you down with insults when you do something worth celebrating, get yourself out of there.

“A narcissist might say ‘You were able to do that because I didn’t sleep well’ or some excuse to make it seem like you have an advantage that they didn’t have,” Tawwab says.

They want you to know that you’re not better than them. Because, to them, nobody is.

Gaslighting is a form of manipulation and emotional abuse, and it’s a hallmark of narcissism. People with NPD may tell blatant lies, falsely accuse others, spin the truth, and ultimately distort your reality — especially in response to perceived challenges of authority or fear of abandonment.

Signs of gaslighting include the following:

You no longer feel like the person you used to be.
You feel more anxious and less confident than you used to be.
You often wonder if you’re being too sensitive.
You feel like everything you do is wrong.
You always think it’s your fault when things go wrong.
You’re apologizing often.
You have a sense that something’s wrong, but aren’t able to identify what it is.
You often question whether your response to your partner is appropriate.
You make excuses for your partner’s behavior.

“They do this to cause others to doubt themselves as a way to gain superiority. Narcissists thrive off of being worshipped, so they use manipulation tactics to get you to do just that,” Peykar says.

People with NPD are often described as being arrogant and having haughty behaviors or attitudes. That’s why fighting with a narcissist may feel impossible.

“There is no debating or compromising with a narcissist, because they are always right,” Tawwab says. “They won’t necessarily see a disagreement as a disagreement. They’ll just see it as them teaching you some truth.”

According to Peykar, you may be dating a narcissist if you feel like your partner:

doesn’t hear you
won’t understand you
doesn’t take responsibility for their part in an issue
doesn’t ever try to compromise

While ending the relationship is the best game plan with someone who has NPD, Weiler advises avoiding negotiation and arguments.

“The thing that drives a narcissist crazy is the lack of control and the lack of a fight. The less you fight back, the less power you can give them over you, the better,” she says.

And because they never think they’re wrong, they rarely apologize.

People with NPD are extremely vulnerable to humiliation and shame, and they often lash out at others when they feel their self-esteem has taken a hit.

If you insist you’re done with the relationship, they’ll make it their goal to hurt you for abandoning them, Peykar says.

“Their ego is so severely bruised that it causes them to feel rage and hatred for anyone who ‘wronged’ them. That’s because everything is everyone else’s fault. Including the breakup,” she adds.

If you’re in a relationship with someone who has NPD, chances are you’ve already experienced quite a bit.

Being in a relationship with someone who’s constantly criticizing, belittling, gaslighting, and not committing to you may feel emotionally exhausting.

How to prepare for the breakup

Constantly remind yourself you deserve better.
Strengthen your relationships with your empathetic friends.
Build a support network with friends and family who can help remind you what is reality.
Urge your partner to talk with a therapist.
See a therapist yourself.

“You cannot change a person with NPD or make them happy by loving them enough or by changing yourself to meet their whims and desires. They will never be in tune with you, never empathic to your experiences, and you will always feel empty after an interaction with them,” Grace says.

“Narcissists can’t feel fulfilled in relationships, or in any area of their lives, because nothing is ever special enough for them,” she adds.

Essentially, you’ll never be enough for them, because they’re never enough for themselves.

“The best thing you can do is cut ties. Offer them no explanation. Offer no second chance. Break up with them, and offer no second, third, or fourth chance,” Grace says.

Because someone with NPD will most likely make attempts at contacting you and harassing you with calls or texts once they’ve fully processed the rejection, Krol recommends blocking them to help you stick to your decision.

Remember: This article isn’t meant to diagnose your partner.

Instead, this article is meant to outline unacceptable behaviors and reactions in the context of a loving, equitable partnership. Having one or six of these signs doesn’t make your partner a narcissist. Rather, it’s a good cause for re-evaluating whether or not you’re thriving in your relationship.

Gabrielle Kassel is a rugby-playing, mud-running, protein-smoothie-blending, meal-prepping, CrossFitting, New York–based wellness writer. She’s become a morning person, tried the Whole30 challenge, and eaten, drunk, brushed with, scrubbed with, and bathed with charcoal, all in the name of journalism. In her free time, she can be found reading self-help books, bench-pressing, or practicing hygge. Follow her on Instagram.

Relationships with Narcissists: 11 Rules of Behavior

Psychologist and writer Shahida Arabi has been researching the topic of dysfunctional relationships for many years, writing self-help books for those who have experienced the destructive power of narcissists, studying the problems of emotional abuse and developing behavioral strategies for those who fell into the hands of various "manipulators".

In talking to "survivors of narcissists," the writer came up with a list of things to avoid if you're in a relationship with a similar partner. She reminds us that the patterns of behavior of such people are quite predictable, but we can maintain peace of mind if we do not count on their support and sympathy.

Here is a list of things to avoid when dealing with a toxic loved one, whether it be a colleague, partner, friend or relative.

1. Don't travel together

Those who have been in a relationship with a narcissist often talk about how their dream vacation turned into hell. And in some cases, we are even talking about a honeymoon, which, in theory, should be one of the most romantic events in a person’s life. Going with a partner to distant lands, narcissists create conditions in order to isolate him and fully show their dark sides.

If your companion has already behaved inappropriately: devalued you, tortured you with silence, humiliated and insulted you - be sure that the change of scenery will only provoke him, because where no one knows you, you will not be able to ask for support.

2.

Do not celebrate special dates and favorite holidays together

Narcissists are known for their tendency to sabotage those events that can make their colleagues, friends and partners happy and divert attention from themselves, "great and terrible." Therefore, it is better for them simply not to know that an important day has come for you.

3. Avoid meeting friends in the company of a narcissist

Often people with a narcissistic personality type start flirting with new acquaintances at parties. Thus, they make the partner worry and compete for their attention. This can hurt your self-esteem, not to mention the fact that your mood will definitely deteriorate. “You will feel pain and alienation, because the narcissist charms the crowd, devaluing you,” explains Shahida Arabi.

It is important to remember that narcissists tend to create such relationships not only in the family, but also at work and in the therapist's office. They pit colleagues, relatives and acquaintances against each other in order to feel better and feel power over others.

4. Refuse to attend family holidays together

Narcissists can upset you in advance in order to put you in an unsightly light in front of your family: look, they say, how emotionally unstable she is! Meanwhile, they themselves look calm and balanced against your background. "Don't give them that chance! If a visit is unavoidable, try to remain calm,” warns Shahida Arabi.

5. Ignore "love bombings"

Love bombings, or love bombing, are actions that at the beginning of a relationship are aimed at accelerating the rapprochement, both emotional and physical, with a potential "victim". You may be bombarded with letters and messages, you may be sent flowers and gifts - this is how a potential partner hopes to create a strong bond with you as soon as possible. But how well do you know him?

In a long-term relationship, such actions help to regain the partner's goodwill. The narcissist ignores or puts you down, but if you show that you are ready to "off the hook", he becomes abruptly gentle and caring. If you're getting bombed, try not to reply to every message right away, don't let the fan fill up all your time. This will give you the opportunity to rethink what is happening.

6. Give up financial relationships and contracts with narcissists

Do not give them a loan and do not ask for financial help. Moreover, you should not enter into any legally formalized relationship with them. “You will always pay more for this than the narcissist,” the expert is sure.

7. Limit verbal communication

If you and the narcissist have any business or personal relationship, if he threatens, manipulates or blackmails, if possible, do not discuss this with him on the phone or in person. Try to contact via messages or mail. And if you still have to communicate in person, record what is happening on the recorder. In the future, these testimonies may be useful to you.

8. Do not visit a psychologist together and do not share your plans

If the partner shows signs of narcissism, it is better to refuse joint therapy. Unfortunately, anything you say in a specialist's office can be used against you. Instead, it is better to pay attention to yourself and go to a therapist on your own. In this way, you can work through your traumas and learn to resist the harmful influence of a narcissist.

It's also better not to tell him about your plans for the future: if you want to leave your partner, he can sabotage your attempts to leave him. It is better to prepare all the necessary documents first and find a safe haven, warns Shahida Arabi.

9. Don't call a narcissist a narcissist

If you "diagnose" your partner, you will face their anger. Even worse, he may try to punish you for your "impertinence". When narcissists realize that you doubt their superiority over you, they become furious and try to punish.

Narcissistic people do not accept any criticism, but they are ready to do a lot to regain power over their partner. Most likely, they will react to your words with either gaslighting or another "love bombing".

10. Do not share the most intimate with a narcissist

In a healthy relationship, we open up to a partner, and he accepts this with gratitude and participation. But if a narcissist finds out about your pain, fears and injuries, be sure: he will definitely use the information against you. Sooner or later, everything that he knows will help him make you look "abnormal", "unstable", "insane". When you think about sharing important experiences with new acquaintances, first consider: are these people worthy of your trust?

11. Don't ask a narcissist for help

Narcissists don't have empathy. We know many stories of narcissistic partners abandoning and betraying their companions at the worst moments of their lives. These include husbands who have affairs while the wife is in custody, and wives who cheat on spouses who are seriously ill or have faced heavy losses. If you have a "support group" of friends or family, it's better to rely on them than someone with a narcissistic personality type, Arabi says.

The psychologist reminds you that it is not your fault that you have suffered from a relationship with a narcissist, but you can reduce the harm from communicating with him by learning more about his habits and behavior.

how to recognize and what to do

Not everyone knows that narcissistic personality disorder is not the same as narcissistic personality disorder or high self-esteem. You should know well who a narcissist is and why he is dangerous.

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If a guy posts too many selfies on his social media or constantly talks about himself on a first date, he's often called a narcissist. But you should not do this, because narcissistic personality disorder is a mental illness.

Signs of a narcissist

So don't confuse self-admiration with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). The symptoms of the latter are as follows:

overestimated sense of self-importance;
excessive need for attention and admiration;
inability to empathize;
common relationship problems.

According to licensed psychotherapist Rebecca Wyler, NPD boils down to selfishness - the desire to get everything at the expense of others, as well as an inability to consider the feelings of other people. But remember, narcissistic personality disorder is not black and white. “Narcissism has its own spectrum,” says psychotherapist and author of The Self-Aware Parent, Fran Walvis.

9 official criteria for narcissistic personality disorder

The latest edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, the US nomenclature for mental disorders, lists nine criteria for NPD, but five of them are sufficient for clinical recognition of narcissism. This list includes:

a grandiose sense of self-importance;
preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love;
a person's conviction that he is special and unique, the desire to deal only with high-ranking people and elite organizations and institutions;
need for excessive admiration;
feeling of being chosen;
the tendency to exploit others in relationships, in other words, to use other people to achieve one's own goals;
lack of empathy;
a person's envy of others or the belief that everyone envy him;
arrogant and haughty behavior.

But even knowing the official criteria does not always allow one to identify a narcissist. The hardest thing to notice NPD in a person with whom you are in a romantic relationship. On a date with someone we like, rarely do any of us think: “Wait a minute, is this guy suffering from narcissism?”

But at the same time, we all dream of a healthy and long-term relationship that will make both us and our partner happy. So read about how a male narcissist behaves when he is about to have an affair - this information will come in handy. Only a qualified specialist can make a diagnosis, but there are red flags that you should pay attention to.

Relationship with a narcissist: how people with NPD behave

If you see that any of the above are familiar to you, be careful!

1. Narcissus is charming... But only at first

Everything starts like in a fairy tale. He constantly texts you, in the first month he confesses his love, promises to buy a tram, makes joint plans, showers compliments, says that he has finally found his soul mate, and your meeting is fate. Experts call all this "love bombing".

“Narcissists believe that they are worthy of relationships with special people and only such women can appreciate them,” says psychotherapist Nedra Glover Tawwab. “But as soon as you do something that disappoints them, they may turn their backs on you.” And, most likely, you won't even know what you did wrong.

Wyler advises: if the guy is too persistent at first, be on your guard. Of course, each of us is pleased to feel unique and unique. But communication and mutual understanding between people are not born in a few days - they must be nurtured and developed. “If it seems like a man doesn’t know you enough to truly love you, he probably does,” Wyler says.

2. The narcissist talks at length about how wonderful he is

“Narcissists love to talk about their own great accomplishments and accomplishments,” says psychotherapist Jaclyn Krol. “They do it because they feel better and smarter than everyone else, and also because it makes them look more confident.” Clinical psychologist Dr. Angela Grace adds that narcissists often exaggerate their achievements and embellish their talents in order to gain admiration and adoration from others.

Narcissists tend to be too busy with themselves to listen to other people. This, according to Grace, will become a red flag: firstly, the guy with NPD will constantly talk about himself, and secondly, he will never discuss your interests and preferences. Pay attention: what happens if you try to tell something about your life? Is he asking questions, trying to find out more? Or just waiting for the moment to be the center of attention again?

3. The narcissist lacks empathy

An inability to understand the other person's feelings is one of the hallmarks of narcissists, Walvis says. Pay attention to how your boyfriend reacts when you tell that you had a bad day at work or you had a fight with your parents. Does he empathize or frankly bored when you say that you are angry or sad? According to Walvis, a lack of empathy is the most common reason why relationships with narcissists end up falling apart, whether it's romantic love or friendship.

4. Narcissists have no real friends

If you look closely at a narcissist, it will become noticeable: around him are only casual acquaintances, friends with whom he chats, and enemies. People with NPD tend to have no loved ones, especially those with whom they have known and maintained relationships for many years. Therefore, a narcissist may be offended if you want to communicate with your friends. It is likely that he will even try to make you feel guilty: for example, he will begin to say that you devote little time to him.

Ask yourself the following questions:

How does your partner feel about someone they don't want anything from?
Does he have old friends?
Does he have a sworn enemy? If not, did he say that he would like to have one?

5. The narcissist feeds on your compliments

It may seem that narcissists are very self-confident. But according to Tawwab, most people with NPD actually lack self-respect. “They need a lot of praise, and if you don’t give it, they will seek it. That's what you're for: to tell them how wonderful they are,” she says.

“Narcissists use other people—usually those who are highly empathetic—to nurture self-esteem. Because of their low self-esteem, narcissists' egos are easily hurt, and therefore their need for compliments is great,” adds Marriage and Family Psychotherapist Shirin Peykar.

Pay attention: self-confident people do not need constant confirmation of their importance from others. “A person with NPD needs to be praised, but he himself flourishes by humiliating others,” says Peykar. As Weilar aptly puts it, narcissists punish everyone around them for their lack of self-confidence.

6. The narcissist constantly picks on you

At first it seems like a mild tease, but over time it becomes a constant background, and hairpins turn from good-natured to angry and rude. Suddenly, everything you do is subject to criticism, whether it's about choosing a profession or brushing your teeth.

“The goal of narcissists is to lower other people's self-esteem in order to raise their own, because it makes them feel powerful,” says Peykar. “They love reaction: it shows them that they have the power to influence the emotional state of another person.”

Pay attention: if your partner throws barbs when you have achieved something, then it's time to run. If a man says that your achievements are accidental or obtained through advantages, then there is a chance that you are dealing with a narcissist. “He wants you to remember that you are no better than him,” Tawwab explains.

7. The Narcissist Gaslights

Gaslighting is a form of manipulation and emotional abuse that is the hallmark of narcissism. “Narcissists use gaslighting to make others doubt themselves. For them, this is a way to achieve superiority over others, ”explains Peykar.

You can read more about gaslighting here, and here are the signs that indicate that you have experienced it.

Signs that you are a victim of a narcissist and gaslighted:

you no longer feel like the person you used to be;
you have become more anxious and less confident;
you often wonder if you are too sensitive;
you feel that everything you do is wrong;
when something goes wrong, you always think it's your fault;
you often apologize;
you feel something is wrong, but you don't know what;
you constantly doubt that your answer to your partner is correct;
you justify your partner's behavior.

8. The narcissist thinks he is always right and never apologizes

Arguing with narcissists is impossible. “It will not be possible to reach a compromise with them. People with NPD don't see disagreements as disagreements. They just think they are teaching you some truth,” says Tavwab. Peykar thinks you might be dating a narcissist if you think your partner is:

can't hear you;
does not understand you;
takes no part of the responsibility for the problem;
never tries to compromise.

Weilar advises avoiding negotiations and arguments with narcissists. “People who suffer from NPD hate the lack of control and struggle. The less you resist, the less power you can give them over you, the better,” she says.

Since narcissists are sure that they are always right, they never "sink" to the point of apologizing - even in situations where they are clearly at fault. For example, your partner does not feel the need to say "sorry" if he was late for dinner and did not even call to warn about it, or canceled your joint plans at the last moment. Remember: normal people are able to understand that they did something wrong and apologize for it.

9. The narcissist does not want to make commitments

The narcissist expects you to treat him like his partner and at the same time refuses you the same. You may notice how he flirts with someone, but if you talk about it as a sign of disrespect, you will be accused: “You made a storm in a glass of water, you are completely crazy!” But think about this: you deserve the same devotion that you give yourself.

10. The narcissist panics when you try to break up with him

Once you back off, the narcissist will do his best to get you back. “At first they may bombard you with love. They will say all the right things to convince you that they have changed,” warns Peykar. But very little time will pass, and it will become clear: you are still dealing with the same person.

11. Realizing that everything is over, the narcissist loses his temper

The narcissist will do everything possible to hurt you for leaving him. “Their ego is so badly hurt that they feel only rage and hatred. They believe that only other people are to blame for everything, including the breakup,” says Peykar.

What will be the result? The narcissist may say bad things to you, immediately start dating someone else to make you jealous, or even try to "steal" friends. The reason, Tawwab says, is that a good reputation means everything to them, and they won't let anyone or anything ruin it.

Okay, I'm dating a narcissist. What to do?

So, you realized that you are in a relationship with a person who has NPD. He constantly criticizes you, humiliates you and emotionally exhausts you. Experts recommend the obvious way out - to move away from it.

Here's how to prepare for breaking up with a narcissist:

Constantly remind yourself that you deserve better.
Strengthen relationships with friends who support you.
Gather around you those close to you who will help you critically assess reality.
Convince your partner to go to therapy.
See a psychotherapist yourself.

“You cannot change a person with narcissistic personality disorder or make them happy with your love. Don't change for him - that won't help either. He will never empathize with you, and you will always feel empty after interacting with them, says Grace. “Basically, you will never be enough for them, because they will never be enough for themselves.”

Grace thinks the best thing to do is end the relationship. At the same time, it is not worth explaining anything, much less giving a second, third or fourth chance.

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