My son lies about everything
Why Kids Lie and What Parents Can Do to Stop It
Call them fibs, whoppers or straight-up untruths: However you label them, kids are likely to lie somewhere along the way. While a younger child may conjure up an elaborate tale about how she couldn’t possibly have kicked a younger sibling, older kids may flat-out lie about doing their homework.
Sometimes the onset of lying is sudden and intense, reports Matthew Rouse, PhD, a clinical psychologist. “It’s a new thing where they were pretty truthful most of the time before and then suddenly they’re lying about a lot of stuff,” he says. This, of course, is concerning to parents. But if caregivers can understand why kids lie and be prepared to deal with the issue, the truth can come out.
Why kids lie Most parents think children lie to get something they want, avoid a consequence or get out of something they don’t want to do. These are common motivations, but there are also some less obvious reasons why kids might not tell the truth — or at least the whole truth.
To test out a new behavior
Dr. Rouse says one reason children lie is because they’ve discovered this novel idea and are trying it out, just as they do with most kinds of behaviors, to see what happens. “They’ll wonder, what happens if I lie about this situation?” he says. “What will it do for me? What does it get me out of? What does it get me?’”
To enhance self-esteem and gain approval
Children who lack confidence may tell grandiose lies to make themselves seem more impressive, special or talented to inflate their self-esteem and make themselves look good in the eyes of others. Dr. Rouse recalls treating an eighth-grader who was exaggerating wildly about 80 percent of the time: “They were kind of incredible experiences that weren’t within the bounds of plausible at all.” For instance, the boy would say he’d gone to a party and everyone had started to chant for him when he came in the door.
To get the focus off themselves
Children with anxiety or depression might lie about their symptoms to get the spotlight off them, Dr.
Rouse notes. Or they might minimize their issues, saying something like “No, no I slept fine last night” because they don’t want people worrying about them.
Speaking before they think
Carol Brady, PhD, a clinical psychologist and regular columnist for ADDitude magazine who works with a lot of kids with ADHD, says they may lie out of impulsivity. “One of the hallmarks of the impulsive type of ADHD is to talk before they think,” she says, “so a lot of times you’re going to get this lying issue.”
Sometimes kids can really believe they’ve done something and tell what sounds like a lie, Dr. Brady adds. “Sometimes they’ll really just forget. I have kids who say, ‘To tell you the truth, Dr. Brady, I thought I did my homework. I really thought I did. I didn’t remember I had that extra work.’” When this happens, she says, they need help supplementing their memory by using techniques such as checklists, time limits and organizers.
And then there are white lies
Just to make things even trickier, in certain situations parents might actually encourage children to tell a white lie in order to spare someone’s feelings.
In this case, the white lie and when to use it fall under the umbrella of social skills.
Both Dr. Rouse and Dr. Brady say it’s first important to think about the function of the lie. “When I’m doing an evaluation, there are questions on our intake forms where parents can check off whether the child lies,” Dr. Rouse says. “It’s something I might spend 20 minutes delving into. What kinds of lies, what are the circumstances of the lies?” He says behavioral treatments depend on the function of the lies and the severity of the problem. “There are no hard and fast guidelines,” he says. “Different levels mean different repercussions.”
Level 1 lie
When it comes to attention-seeking lying, Dr. Rouse says that, generally speaking, it’s best to ignore it. Rather than saying harshly, “That’s a lie. I know that didn’t happen to you,” he suggests a gentle approach where parents don’t necessarily have a consequence but they’re also not trying to feed it a lot of attention.
This is especially true if the lying is coming from place of low self-esteem. “So if they’re saying, ‘I scored 10 goals today at recess in soccer and everybody put me on their shoulders and it was amazing’ and you think it’s not true, then I would say don’t ask a bunch of follow-up questions.” For these kind of low-level lies that aren’t really hurting anyone but aren’t good behavior, ignoring and redirecting to something that you know is more factual is the way to go.
Level 2 lie
If that doesn’t work, Dr. Rouse says, parents can be more transparent about it by offering a mild reprimand. “I’ve had situations where it’s an inflated kind of fantastical type of lie,” he says. “I’ll have parents label it and call it a tall tale. If the child is telling one of these stories, a parent will gently say, ‘Hey, this sounds like a tall tale, why don’t you try again and tell me what really happened?’ ” It’s about pointing out the behavior and encouraging kids to try again.
Level 3 lie
If something is more serious, like older kids lying about where they’ve been or whether they’ve done their homework, parents can think about having a consequence. Kids should be clear that there will be repercussions for this kind of lie, so it’s not coming out of the blue. Like all consequences, Dr. Rouse recommends it should be something short-lived, not overblown, which gives the child a chance to get back to practicing better behaviors. Some examples: losing her phone for an hour or having to do a chore
Also, depending on the severity, there also has to be a component of addressing what they were lying about. If a child has said he didn’t have any homework all week and then the parent finds out he had homework every day, there needs to be some kind of consequence for the lying and he also has to sit down and do all the work. If he’s hit another child and lied about it, there’s a consequence for the lying and also for hitting. In this case, Dr.
Rouse says, you would also have him write an apology letter to the other child.
Let them know the truth reduces consequences
For instance, if teens have been drinking at a party, the parent will want them to call to be picked up. But kids know there also has to be a consequence for the drinking. “There’s a hard balance to strike between having the open dialogue but also setting appropriate limits when necessary,” Dr. Rouse says.
In this situation, where lying would have been easier, when parents are doling out the consequence they can also praise the child for telling the truth and tell them it makes them more trustworthy. They might also reduce the consequence, such as letting kids know they’re taking their phone away for a day instead of a week.
Dr. Rouse adds one caveat: Children and teens should not think consequences are negotiable. “Sometimes the kid will say, ‘But I told you the truth,’” he says.
“They’ll get manipulative, saying, ‘This is just making me want to never tell the truth again.’” Parents shouldn’t give in at that point.
Use truth checks
Let’s say parents have been told by a teacher their child didn’t do her homework. Dr. Brady suggests that they give their kid a chance to tell the truth. If she doesn’t at first, the parents could say, “I’m going to walk away and give you 10 minutes and then I’m going to come back and ask you again. If you change your mind and want to give me a different answer, it’s just a truth check and you won’t get in trouble.”
This way, if a child gives an off-the-cuff answer because she’s scared of consequences or she doesn’t want to disappoint a parent, she has the chance to really think about whether she wants to lie or fess up without the consequences. Dr. Brady notes that this technique isn’t for a child who chronically lies.
Use the preamble method
Parents can also set up kids to tell the truth by reminding them that they don’t expect perfection, Dr.
Brady notes. Parents could say, “I’m going to ask you a question and maybe you’re going to tell me something I don’t really want to hear. But remember, your behavior is not who you are. I love you no matter what, and sometimes people make mistakes. So I want you to think about giving me an honest answer.” Giving kids a chance to reflect on this may lead to them telling the truth.
Give kids with ADHD more time to think
Dr. Brady says kids with ADHD, who are prone to giving impulsive answers that come out as lies, need some extra time to think things through before speaking. Impulsivity can be a problem both at home and in school, when a teacher asks if a child has finished an assignment and the child answers yes without even looking at his paper. That’s when he needs to be taught to slow down and check his work.
What parents shouldn’t doDon’t ever corner your child
Putting a child on the spot can set him up to lie.
If parents know the true story, Dr. Brady recommends, they should go right to the issue and discuss it. Instead of asking a child if he didn’t do his homework a parent could just say, “I know you didn’t do it. Let’s talk about why that’s not a good idea.”
Don’t label your child a liar
It’s a big mistake to call a child a liar, Dr Brady argues. The wound it creates is bigger than dealing with what he lied about in the first place. He thinks, “Mom won’t believe me.” It makes him feel bad about himself and may set up a pattern of lying.
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How to Deal with Lying in Children and Teens
When you catch your child in a lie, it’s natural to feel betrayed, hurt, angry, and frustrated. But here’s the truth: lying is a normal child behavior problem. It needs to be addressed, but for most kids, it’s not a character flaw, and it’s not an issue of morality.
Instead, lying is the immature and ineffective way they choose to solve a problem. Rather than fix an underlying problem, your child lies about it.
If your child doesn’t complete his homework, he solves that problem by lying and telling you he did. If your child doesn’t get home before her curfew, she lies about why. Or about where she was or who she was with. Lying is used to avoid consequences rather than face them.
I believe that with kids, lying is used as a faulty problem–solving skill. And it’s our job as parents to teach our children how to solve those problems in more constructive ways. Sometimes that means addressing the lying directly, but other times it means addressing the underlying behavior that made the lie seem necessary.
In this article, I explain the various reasons why kids lie and how to handle specific lying situations.
Kids Lie To Avoid Trouble
Most often, kids lie to avoid trouble. Let’s say they’ve gotten themselves into a jam because they did something they shouldn’t have done.
Maybe they broke a rule, or they didn’t do something they were supposed to do, like their chores. If they don’t have another way out, rather than suffer the consequences, they lie to avoid getting into trouble.
Again, in my opinion, the primary reason kids lie is that they don’t have another way of dealing with a problem or conflict. Sometimes it’s the only way they know how to solve a problem. It’s a survival skill, albeit a faulty one.
Kids Lie to Individuate From Their Parents
Sometimes kids use lying as a way to keep part of their lives separate from their parents. In psychology, we call this individuation, and it’s quite normal.
At times it may even seem that they make up needless lies about things that seem trivial. It can be baffling to parents.
And, of course, children lie when they think the house rules are too strict and they decide to disobey them.
Let’s say you have a 16–year–old who isn’t allowed to wear makeup, but all her friends are wearing it.
So she wears it outside the house, then lies to you about it. Lying may become a way for her to have you believe she’s following your rules and still do typical teen activities.
Kids Lie To Establish Identity
Kids will use lying to establish an identity, even if that identity is false. This can be used to impress their peers, perhaps in response to peer pressure. Your child might lie to his peers about things he says he’s done (that he hasn’t) to make himself sound more impressive. This is not unusual, and we all know adults who still do this in one way or another.
Kids Lie To Get Attention
When your child is young, and the lies are inconsequential, this behavior may just be his way of getting a little attention. This is normal.
Younger children also make up stories during imaginative play. Understand that this is not lying but rather a way for them to engage their imaginations and start to make sense of the world around them.
So, when a small child says, “Mommy, I just saw Santa fly by the window,” I think it is very different from an older child who says, “I finished my homework,” when he hasn’t.
Kids Lie To Avoid Hurting Other’s Feelings
At some point, most people learn how to bend the truth in order not to hurt other people’s feelings. If someone asks you if you like their new shoes, and you don’t, you might still say, “Hey, those look great on you” instead of being completely honest.
But kids don’t have the same sophistication that adults do, so it’s often more comfortable for them to lie instead. This type of lying is a first step toward learning how to say something more carefully.
Indeed, we teach our kids to lie when we say, “Tell Grandma you like the present even if you don’t because it will hurt her feelings otherwise.”
We have a justifiable reason—we don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings who’s gone out of their way for us. Nevertheless, we are still teaching our kids how to bend the truth. And again, this is normal.
Lying in Children is Not Usually a Moral Issue
I don’t believe lying in children is a moral issue.
Therefore, I think it’s imperative not to take it personally if your child lies.
Indeed, most kids don’t lie to hurt their parents. They lie because there’s something else going on. The important part for you as a parent is to address the behavior behind the lie. If you’re taking it personally, you’re probably angry and upset—and not dealing with the behavior that led to the lie.
Here’s an example. Let’s say your child didn’t do his homework, but he told you he did. When you find out that he’s lying and confront him, he confesses and explains that he was playing sports with friends after school, and that’s why he didn’t do his homework.
At this point, you have a choice to make as a parent. Either you can focus on the fact that your child lied to you, or you can focus on the fact that he did not complete his homework.
I strongly recommend that you focus on the underlying behavior—the homework not being completed. As your child improves the underlying behavior, the reason for lying will go away.
He won’t need to lie.
In contrast, if you yell at your child about the lying, about being betrayed, or about being disrespected, then that’s all you’re going to be able to address. Your child will shut down. And you’re not going to be able to deal with the real issue of your child ensuring that his homework is completed.
The bottom line is that your anger and frustration about the lie is not going to help your child change the behavior (not doing his homework) that made the lie necessary for him.
So lying is not strictly a moral issue; it’s a problem–solving issue. Lying is a lack of skills issue and an avoiding consequences issue. Your child isn’t lying because he is immoral; he’s lying because he can’t figure out how to get his homework done on time.
Most kids know right from wrong—that’s why they’re lying in the first place. They don’t want to get in trouble for what they’ve done, and they’re using lying to solve their problems.
That means our kids need better problem-solving skills, and you can respond as a parent by helping them work on their ability to problem-solve, which can be accomplished with effective consequences that teach your child how to problem-solve.
Pick Your Battles: Focus on the Serious Lies
I believe it’s the parent’s job to determine which lies are serious and which are not. And the most serious lies pertain to unsafe, illegal, or risky behavior. Therefore, I recommend that you pick your battles and focus on the serious lies.
For example, you may hear your child say to another child, “Oh, I like that dress,” and then later on in the car, they tell you, “I didn’t like that dress.” You might decide to confront your child about this contradiction. But you might also let it go, especially if this happens only occasionally.
But if they’re lying about something risky or illegal or unsafe, you must address it. And if it’s about risky sexual behavior, drugs, or other harmful activities—you may need to seek some help from a professional.
So pick your battles. Focus on what’s important.
What to Do If You Catch Your Child in a Lie
If you catch your child in a serious lie, I recommend that you do not react immediately.
Instead, send him to his room so you can calm down. Talk with your spouse or a trusted friend or family member and come up with a game plan. Allow yourself time to think about how to handle the situation.
Remember, when you respond without thinking, you’re not going to be effective. So give yourself a little time to plan this out.
When you do talk, don’t argue with your child about the lie. Just state what you saw, and what is obvious. You may not know the reason for the lie, but eventually, your child might fill you in on it. Again, simply state the behaviors that you saw.
The conversation might go something like this:
“I got a call from our neighbor. She saw you sneaking out of your window. And I noticed that you were falling asleep at the kitchen table this morning at breakfast. But you told us that you were home all night.”
And then say to your teen:
“There’s going to be a consequence for that. You’re not going to be able to stay over at your friend’s house next weekend.
And we’re concerned about where you went.”
Leave the door open for him to tell you what happened.
Remember, state what you believe based on the facts you have. Do it without arguing; just say it matter–of–factly.
“We have this information, we believe it to be true, and these are the consequences.”
Keep it very simple and listen to what your child has to say, but be firm.
How to Address Chronic Lying: Stage a Lying Intervention
If your child lies chronically or lies about unsafe, risky, or unhealthy behavior, I think it makes sense to address the actual lying in addition to the underlying behavior. You can do this by staging a lying intervention.
A lying intervention is a planned and structured conversation about lying behavior. This conversation lets your child know what you’ve been seeing, and it gives you a chance to tell them that you are concerned.
Here are some things to keep in mind when staging an intervention.
Plan the Intervention in Advance
Think about how you’re going to intervene in advance. Plan it with your spouse or co-parent. If you’re single, ask another close adult family member to be there with you.
When this issue came up with our son, my husband James and I planned out what we were going to say, how we were going to react, and even where we were going to sit.
We decided we were going to be as neutral and unemotional as possible. We identified the problem behaviors we wanted to address. We also decided what would be the consequences for our son’s behavior.
We did all of this ahead of time.
Be Specific About the Lying Behavior
When you’re talking with your child, be specific about what you saw and what the problems are. State your intentions calmly and matter-of-factly:
“If the lying about homework continues, this will be the consequence.”
“It’s obvious you snuck out last night. There will be a consequence for that behavior.
”
Remember, it has to be a consequence that you can and will follow through with.
Keep the Intervention’s Message Simple
Keep it very focused and simple for your child. Concentrate on the behavior. And then tell him that you want to hear what was happening that made him feel he needed to lie.
Understand that you are not looking for an excuse for the lie, but rather to identify the problem your child was having that they used lying to solve.
Be direct and specific. The intervention itself should be quick and to–the–point. Don’t lecture your child for a long time. Remember that lecturing is not going to be helpful. Kids just tune that out. They’ve heard it over and over. They stop listening, and nothing changes. Lecturing is ineffective.
Take Time to Listen to Your Child
Because lying is most likely the way your child is trying to problem-solve, make sure you indicate that you want to hear what’s going on with her. Allow your child to explain herself and be prepared just to listen.
She may not be ready to talk with you about it initially. Therefore, just be open to hearing what your child’s problem is. You want to create a safe environment for her to open up to you.
But if your child is not ready, don’t push her. Instead, simply reiterate that you are willing to listen whenever she wants to talk. Try to be patient.
Related content: How to Talk to Your Child About Lying
A Word about Magical Thinking
Be aware that kids and adolescents are prone to engage in what psychologists call magical thinking. Your child engages in magical thinking when he convinces himself that his lies are true. Understand that your child doesn’t want to believe he’s a liar. No one wants to be known as a liar.
So you’ll see kids who’ve gotten caught smoking at school say, “No, I wasn’t smoking”—even though the smoke is still in the air. That’s magical thinking.
And when you’re a kid, you think that if you keep repeating the same thing over and over again, it will magically be true.
Moreover, if your child gets away with a few lies, he will start thinking he should be able to get away with them the next time. The lies become more and more abundant—and absurd.
But it’s your job as a parent to say in a matter–of–fact way what you feel is the truth. Acknowledge the lie, but give the consequence for the behavior, not for the lie.
Conclusion
Realize that most kids are not going to lie forever. In all my years in working with adolescents, there were very, very few kids that I met who lied chronically for no reason. Usually, kids don’t lie arbitrarily; they have a reason for doing so, no matter how wrong that reason might be. Your child does know right from wrong, but sometimes he chooses to lie.
I understand that it’s hard not to take lying personally or to be disappointed when your child lies. But just remember, your child is trying to solve a problem ineffectively. Our job is to teach them appropriate and effective ways to solve problems and to coach them through these confusing years.
Over time, they can learn to do that without lying.
The child lies and deceives. What to do?
Many parents are faced with the fact that the child tells lies - lies and deceives.
As a rule, the reaction of parents to such behavior is to scold, shame, punish the child.
But once you begin to understand why your child lies and cheats, then you can help him change his behavior and become more honest. The key word here is "help". Not to force, not to force, but to help the child not to lie and deceive, but to tell you the truth.
Reasons why a child lies and deceives
If we start to figure out why a child lies and deceives, we will see that he is just the same afraid of punishment, screaming and being scolded. It's kind of a vicious circle. The more we scold the child for lying, the more he will hide the truth from us in the future. What is the way out of this?
Children, as a rule, find quite logical reasons to hide the truth - they want to avoid unpleasant consequences for themselves, they don't want to disappoint their parents, they don't want to listen to screams and hourly moralizing.
It is hard for a child not to lie when he knows exactly what a very unpleasant outcome awaits him for the truth. Therefore, understanding all these reasons, we need to create such conditions in the family so that the child can easily tell us everything as it is.
There are also cases when a child wants to embellish the situation in order to impress others more, to gain more weight in the eyes of others. This happens when the child feels that he is not good enough as he is.
And instead of scolding him, he needs to be understood and reassured that everything is all right with him and that he does not have to invent something about himself that is not really there.
Or it may be that the child does not deceive on purpose, but understands or remembers the situation in his own way and retells it exactly as he perceived it. In this case, it would be completely unfair to talk about deception. It's just the way the kid remembers it.
For some children, fantasizing is a psychological defense that helps them cope with some difficult circumstances in their lives.
For example, a child's dog has died. He does not want to believe it and fantasizes that the dog actually just ran away and lives in the forest. At the same time, he himself begins to believe in this fantasy so much that he tells others about it. Can we say in this case that the child is cheating? No. He uses fantasy to protect himself from painful experiences for which he was not prepared. In his subjective, inner world, the dog really lives in the forest. And he believes in it.
Again, when we punish children for lying, they continue to lie in the hope of avoiding any punishment in the future. The following nine tips will help you build more trust in your relationship with your child. They will help you establish a climate in the family in which it will be easy for children to tell the truth.
Please just be patient and understand that the situation cannot change quickly. It takes time for trust to grow between you again. Be patient and consistent.
9 tips to help your child not lie and tell the truth:
1.
Remain calm and respond adequately to the misconduct of the child Try not to frighten the child with your emotional reactions to his actions, hurtful words, shouting, threats and punishments. Such reactions do not educate children for the future, do not teach them something new. They just help you blow off steam, but they instill fear in your child.
Therefore, be aware of how you respond to children's "bad" behavior. For example, on spilled juice on the carpet, spilled salt, untidy toys, unwashed hands, unfinished homework. If a child knows that the reaction of mom or dad to his misdeeds is excessively violent, emotional, angry, mom will scream, and dad will grab the belt, it will be difficult for him to tell you the truth.
Focus not on blaming the child for what happened, but on finding a way out of the current situation together with him. Ask the child: " What can we do now to deal with the consequences of ?” Instead of getting angry and blaming, think together about what can be done now.
Remain calm and respond appropriately when a child lies.
Example: A mother got angry at her 5-year-old daughter for dropping and breaking a beautiful dish. Instead of yelling at her and punishing her, her mother managed her emotions and said, “ Let's think, what can we do now? »
The girl herself was very worried and apologized, and in response to her mother's question, she suggested trying to glue the broken dish together. They glued the dish together and my mother explained that now it cannot be used and it will stand just for beauty. Mom also said that she was very upset by what had happened, but she understood that the girl did not do it on purpose and this could happen to anyone. She showed her daughter how to hold a large dish in her hands next time so that it does not fall out.
2. Do not provoke your child to lie and deceive
If you see a pile of things on the floor in your daughter's room, don't ask, “ Have you removed your things from the floor? » When we ask questions to which we already know the answer, we ourselves are pushing our child to lie in the hope that you will leave him behind.
Instead, underline in your question how to solve this situation, for example: “ I see that there are still a lot of your things on the floor, do you need help to clean them up or can you do it yourself? " or " Do you want to put your clothes away now or when you finish dinner? »
If you know that your son hasn't touched his lessons, instead of asking Did you do your homework? ”, ask: “ What are your plans for the lessons? What thoughts? »
Instead of asking your daughter: « Did you trample it in the corridor? ”, ask “ How do we clean the floor in the hallway now? And what do you think should be done so that there is no more dirt on the floor in the corridor from street shoes? »
Such questions allow your child to engage in active discussion, "save face", prevent a "power struggle" with him and you help him focus on the plan of action, on what needs to be done, instead of preparing an excuse or come up with something.
In addition, it perfectly educates the child for the future.
3. Try to understand why the child is lying and telling lies
Instead of "catching" the child on his deceit and accusing him: “ Why are you lying to me? I raised a liar! Tell me the truth! ”- try to look at the root of the problem and understand why your child is now unable to tell you the truth in this situation.
Say something like this: “ What you are saying does not sound very plausible. It seems to me that for some reason you just can't tell me how it really was. Maybe you are afraid of something? Let's talk about it and discuss the situation together. It's always better to tell the truth as it is. »
Do not speak in a threatening tone, but in a welcoming tone. Reassure your child that you will not scold or punish him for the truth, whatever it may be. In the future, the child will remember this experience and be more likely to share with you, because he will know that it is safe to share what happened with you.
Believe me, there is no point in punishing and swearing! Well, your abuse and punishment will not help the child in the future to behave differently or tell you the truth. But a discussion and a confidential conversation with him will help. Let not immediately, but such conversations will certainly bear fruit.
4. Mark the child for honesty
“ Mommy, just don’t swear, something happened to me there b”… “ Mommy, I’ll tell you something now, just don’t scold me, please » …
First of all, you need to pay attention: despite the fact that the child understands that he did something wrong, he still came to you and confessed what happened. And even if you are upset that there is a sea of \u200b\u200bwater on the bathroom floor because your daughter tried to bathe the doll in the sink, you need to praise her for coming to you and telling you everything about flooding the entire floor.
Say: “ I really appreciate that you tell me honestly how it is, tell the truth.
This is the most important thing, and now we will wipe the water with you .
It often happens that a child first tells a lie, and then corrects himself and confesses. And often parents, instead of praising the child for the courage to tell the truth and his confession, continue to scold him for the fact that at first he nevertheless deceived them. He corrected himself, took a step in the right direction, and the parents still emphasize that at first he told a lie.
The child is learning this lesson – “It doesn't matter if I'm lying or telling the truth, I'm scolded in both cases. Confess or don't confess, it won't get any better." So that the child does not make such conclusions, but understands that his confession will be of great benefit and lead to a constructive discussion, it is necessary to note the sincerity of the child, to praise his honesty.
5. Explain to the child that mistakes are opportunities to learn something
Every mistake is an opportunity to learn something new, gain new experience.
The child needs to be explained that making mistakes is normal, we all make mistakes and learn from mistakes, everything can be redone and corrected. Only those who do nothing do not make mistakes.
Help your child see their mistakes as opportunities to learn. To do this, ask him questions: “ If you could do it again, what would you do differently? Let's think about how best to act in this situation next time? ". Think with your child, share ideas, and help your son or daughter reach an important conclusion.
When we, adults, calmly accept the mistakes of the child and teach him the right attitude towards them, it will be easier for him to tell the truth and admit mistakes and failures in the future.
6. Show your child your unconditional love and support
Say that you love your child for no reason, no matter what, even if he gets into trouble and makes mistakes. Make sure your child knows for sure that despite his misdeeds, mistakes or bad behavior, you will never love him less.
This helps the child feel safe and open up to you more.
7. Set the right example
Remember that our children learn from us. It happens that we ourselves deceive children over trifles and believe that this is “nothing terrible”, “a lie for good”. For example, we say to a child "If you get ready now and we quickly go for a walk, I'll buy you ice cream" . And then it turns out that we didn’t take the money, or we simply don’t have time to go to the store, or we changed our minds, because “it’s almost time for dinner”, etc.
Another example: we don’t want guests to come to us in the evening, therefore, we tell them on the phone that we will not be at home, that we are leaving, and the child knows perfectly well that in fact we are not leaving anywhere. Another example of a small everyday lie of adults. And there are many such examples. Therefore, make sure to always tell the truth in the presence of a child (and not only), and keep your word.
Separately, we should highlight the extent to which we ourselves are ready to allow deception in relation to ourselves and others - to tacitly agree or show an active position.
How ready are we ourselves, for example, to use unlicensed software, stolen courses, or plagiarism? Our children see and learn all this at the level of values, regardless of what we teach them with the help of words.
8. Don't label your child as "liar" or "liar"
Even if you have caught your child cheating several times, never call him such offensive words. They have absolutely no pedagogical meaning, but only further complicate the situation. The child sooner or later comes to terms with such labels and begins to feel exactly who you call him.
9. Never complain to other people that your child has deceived you
Moreover, do not do this in the presence of a child. This is very humiliating and insulting and will greatly complicate your relationship with him. Don't take out the trash. Try to resolve such situations within the family and help the child save face in front of other adults and his friends. This will help him change faster.
If you feel like you are following all of these guidelines and your child continues to lie and cheat a lot, you may need the help of a professional child psychologist.
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What to do if a child is lying? Psychologist's advice
Author : Ksenia Shvetsova, psychologist
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Natalia:
- Hello, Xenia. Daughter 10 years old, after a divorce we live together. What should I do if a child is lying to me: she rips sheets out of notebooks, puts good grades in her diary, does not talk about extra classes, does not write down all homework, she is very lazy, she has to repeat the same request 3-5 times and does not always with a result. And at the same time, she is very affectionate, cheerful and active in everything that does not concern household chores and studies. How to behave, how to build a conversation, if it would seem that I already explained everything to her, I don’t beat, I punish only with temporary deprivation of any pleasures, such as: a ban on watching TV, a ban on walking, a refusal to buy new stickers, trips to rest and etc.
I work a lot, I can’t communicate as much as I would like, I really want to get understanding and help from the child, but in fact only words about how much she loves me and the complete absence of actions confirming this. What's my mistake? What am I doing wrong? How to teach her to take responsibility for her actions and think about the consequences of what she does?
Thank you. Sincerely, Natalia.
Ksenia Shvetsova , psychologist
Hello, Natalia!
First of all, you need to figure out why your daughter prefers lies to the truth, to understand the motives for deceit. Here are some reasons why a child begins to lie:
- Lies often serve as a means to make life easier for a child. Especially if his parents keep telling him "no"
- Often a lie tells what is locked in the soul of a child, what worries and torments him, causes strong fear, perhaps there are problems that need to be addressed.
- Avoids stressful situations.
- A child can lie if he knows that you are able to turn a small offense into an "elephant".
- With the help of lies, the child avoids punishment. Think about whether your requirements for a child are not too high, do they correspond to his capabilities? Do you humiliate him with constant lectures and moralizing? Does the child have a fear of punishment?
- The child begins to lie if the parents do not pay enough attention to him. And she is trying to get your attention at any cost. Since you noticed that she lied, it means that you are not indifferent to her. Such is childish logic.
- Children lie to avoid ridicule when they accidentally "fell face down in the dirt".
- Has a desire to appear better than it really is.
- In adolescence, lying can be seen as an attempt to protect one's privacy, to show one's independence, to avoid difficulties. Of course, deceit can also be regarded as an attempt to escape punishment, or an attempt to get something that could not be achieved if they told the truth.
- Another common cause of children's lies is the fear of disappointing their parents. The child tries to live up to expectations. Children are under a lot of pressure to expect to do well in school, whether from parents or teachers. Many children also believe that their future depends on good grades. And if they do not meet these expectations, do not do well at school, then the child feels that he has no other choice but to deceive, and then deception has the function of a defense mechanism against excessive pressure.
If you want to teach a child to be honest, then you must be ready to hear from him sometimes the bitter truth, and not just the "pleasant" one. If you want your child to grow up honest, you must not allow him to lie about his feelings, whether they are positive, negative or mixed. Our reactions to the feelings he expresses help him understand whether honesty is really the best policy.
How a lie conveys the truth. If children are punished for telling the truth, they lie out of a sense of self-defense.
Sometimes they fantasize, invent something incredible that they lack in everyday life, in reality. Children's lies convey to us the truth about the state of mind of the child, about his fears and hopes, about who he would like to become, what he would like to do. To a sensitive listener, a lie will tell what it seems to be designed to hide. The correct response to a lie should express understanding, not denial of its true meaning. To help the child draw the line between what is desired and what is real, one must use the information contained in a lie. If we find out that our daughter flunked the test in arithmetic, we should not ask her: “Well, how was the test? Oh, good? This time you won't fool me! I spoke with the teacher and I know that you wrote the work very badly. Instead, tell your child directly: “The teacher told me that you flunked the arithmetic test. I'm worried and thinking about how to help you."
In short, we must not instigate so-called "protective lies" or set traps for children.
If the child is still lying, there is no need to throw a tantrum or lecture. It is necessary to respond in word and deed, realistically reflecting the state of affairs. The child must understand that there is no need to lie to the parents.
Lies really have many meanings and meanings. Lies for salvation. Lies as a way of manipulation. A lie, for the sake of the lie itself, "for the red word." The older the child, the more subtly he uses lies. At first almost unconsciously, then quite consciously and prudently. And as soon as a lie becomes a tool to achieve the child's goal, it's time to call for an answer. Here childhood ends and adult responsibility for one's words begins.
How to prevent children's lies?
Create an atmosphere in the family in which lies are not needed in principle. If a child knows that he can trust his parents with his secrets, his actions are discussed and accepted, and punishment is not used as an educational tool, then a motive for lying may never arise.
Before you angrily stop the deceit and bring the liar to clean water, try to understand the motives of his act. Even the most serious offense has another side. The child must know that his act does not make him unambiguously bad. An act may be bad, but not a person! You can never speculate with such concepts as love - do not love. "Get out of here, I don't love you like that!" Naturally, next time the child will want to embellish himself in order to earn the love of his mother or father.
Most of the children's lies stem from the desire to prove to significant people: "I'm good." A schoolboy who lied about losing his diary is afraid not only of the wrath of his parents, but also of being accused of worthlessness. “Here I was an excellent student at your age!” Grandpa screams. And the child feels guilty! And the lie here turns out to be just a way of psychological protection.
Teach him how to deal with defeat. Many children cheat out of fear of failure. Tell your child how you deal with problems and defeats yourself so that he learns this too.
Offer an alternative to deception - acknowledging and correcting your mistakes.
Don't want your child to lie? Be honest yourself!
If parents want to teach their child to tell the truth, then they themselves must first of all:
- Always keep your word. If in any case you cannot keep a promise, explain to the child why you cannot keep it and apologize.
- If it turns out that way, then you yourself lied to the child, explain what caused the lie and be sure to admit the very fact of deception.
- Do not expect children to immediately begin to distinguish between the concepts of "white lies" and more serious deceit.
- Reward your child when he tells the truth, especially when it was not easy to tell.
- Do not impose many rules on a child and do not expect too much from him, remember: more rules - more chances that they can be violated by the child, and more often the child will resort to deception as a means of avoiding punishment.
- Tell the child that you love him even when he is lying and that he is a good child, despite the fact that he deceived.
If you suddenly discover that a child has lied to you, you should not immediately shout or swear at the child. In such cases, there is nothing better than a calm and reasonable conversation without raised tones. After all, if you start shouting at a child, then most likely you can achieve the opposite: he will begin to deceive even more, just to avoid your censure and punishment. In case of deception, do not pretend that you believe, but calmly explain what your child is composing, and this is obvious. Your children's fantasies are not yet a hoax as such. After all, children themselves are born into this world as clean as a white sheet of paper. The blots and the crooked slope of the letters depends on you. If you see that the child has begun to use lies for his own benefit, that is, for selfish purposes, you should think about it. So, there is a gap in your relationship with the child.
Analyze the situation and try to find out the reasons for the appearance of lies. Just so the child will not lie, circumstances force him to do so. And if the parent does not fall into "angry swearing", but treats the child with understanding and tenderness, a positive result will be obvious.
Deception cannot be completely eradicated; one can simply explain to the child: "what is good and what is bad." In this case, the example of the parents themselves is very important. Therefore, before asking a child to answer a phone call with the phrase - "mom is not at home", think about the consequences. Do not forget to communicate with children more often on this topic. Tell them different stories about yourself, your parents and ask questions. The answers will show how the child will act in a similar situation. Also help the children learn “polite lies.” Exactly when it is not necessary to tell the truth. For example, your child is given a gift. He does not like the thing, and he says: "I did not want such a toy", thereby offending the giver.
