My heart is broken what can i do

When thoughts of your ex arise, try not to stop or block them. Instead, Bottari says, practice being a “witness” to these thoughts. When the thoughts come up, take a step back and acknowledge them.

“You know you are experiencing them; they are passing through your mind. You observe them. You practice observing and letting them go,” she explains.

“The minute you pay attention to one and label it as something ‘important,’ you are no longer witnessing them. You are now judging them. Judging brings more negative emotions since your expectations were not met.”

5.

If you’re not feeling up to meeting friends out or are having a hard time following through on commitments, try to share your feelings with others.

“Try to reconsider your needs at this time and let others know what you are dealing with,” says Bottari. “Many people have felt the same way and will understand that you might need some time to return to your normal state. ”

6.

When the pain of a breakup is too hard to bear, you may find that focusing on the needs of others can help bring feelings of wellbeing and distract you from focusing on yourself, explains Bottari.

Consider volunteering at a local soup kitchen or animal shelter, helping a friend in need with meals or cleaning, or cutting a neighbor’s grass.

7.

You may find it helpful to talk to a trusted friend, family member, or therapist about emotions related to your breakup or ex-partner.

If you’re not comfortable sharing all of your feelings, consider writing them down or meditating on them. You can also engage in another project, such as painting, that may help you release what’s on your mind.

8.

Research shows that exercise can reduce stress. “Use exercise as a healthy outlet to manage feelings of anxiety, sadness, lethargy, and stress,” Bottari says.

A daily walk, bike ride, or online workout video are ways to work exercise into your daily routine when you’re feeling sad or stressed about the breakup.

9.

If you continue to feel overwhelmed by unwanted thoughts and emotions, consider staying away from places, music, and people who remind you of your ex for a little while.

“Try to go places that make you feel safe. Surround yourself with people that care about you. Go places that you have never been. Take a day trip and explore,” suggests Bottari.

10.

If possible, try to make meaning of the relationship ending, or accept that there’s no meaning to why it ended.

“Over time, you may come to realize that the end of your relationship was ultimately in your best interest. However, it is possible that you might not be able to find any positive in the relationship ending. Both are valid conclusions. Try to have faith and keep moving forward,” says Bottari.

A breakup can leave you feeling sad and alone, no matter who made the decision to split up. Cycling through a variety of feelings after a breakup is normal, especially if it was unexpected.

“We forget that we are meant to grow and change and learn. That doesn’t always happen at the same time or in the same way in a relationship,” says Moffa.

“Sometimes, one person changes and the other doesn’t. So, be gentle with yourself. You’re changing and growing and healing. We can’t do that all by force.”

Remember, it’s OK to not feel OK for a while. Give yourself time to process the loss of the relationship and practice self-compassion.

How to Get Over Heartbreak, According to Psychologists

On a scale of 1 to torturous, getting your heart broken is a solid “absolutely awful.” Most of us have been there at some point, left wondering how to get over heartbreak. While there’s no surefire way to avoid a broken heart (unless you’re an unfeeling robot, of course), there is a way through it—even if, at the moment, you truly believe you’ll never be happy again.  

Understanding how your mind works—and how to work it better—can be helpful after breaking up. “It’s important to understand that we humans come hardwired with the ability to experience pleasure from our intimate connections and pain form heartbreak,” says Nan Wise, PhD, a sex therapist, neuroscientist, relationship expert, and the author of Why Good Sex Matters: Understanding the Neuroscience of Pleasure for a Smarter, Happier, and More Purpose-Filled Life. “The oldest part of our brain, which we share with all mammals and many other animals, has a circuit of brain regions—the panic/grief/sadness system—that gets activated when we experience the loss of an important relationship.” 

According to Dr. Wise, this means your body can very much feel the physical and emotional aftereffects of a breakup because our brains instinctually view relationships, and the resources they provide, as essential for survival. “When activated, this panic/grief/sadness system creates painful withdrawal-like symptoms: an ache in the heart, overwhelming sadness and despair, ruminations, regrets, and diminished enthusiasm for life,” explains Dr. Wise. “It is important to remember that heartbreak and subsequent grief are not pathological, but a normal part of being an emotional creature. It is just the dark side to our life-affirming ability to form loving, intimate connections.”

Here, Dr. Wise and other experts share advice for how to get over heartbreak. 

1. Allow yourself to feel your feelings.

When somebody breaks up with you, you’re going to feel a flood of emotions, says Rebecca Hendrix, LMFT, a psychotherapist in New York City. “It’s a trauma. It’s a shock to your system.” And as with any type of emotional shock, “you want to be really gentle with yourself and you want to allow yourself to feel your feelings,” she says. After all, your feelings are there for a reason—they can help you move through difficult experiences, but only if you release them.

In the days following the breakup, allow yourself to cry and acknowledge that a breakup is like any other type of loss. With loss come five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. “You’re going to go through those in your own way, in your own time,” says Hendrix. And during the process, validate your feelings by saying things like “Why wouldn’t I feel like way?” and “Of course I’m experiencing this emotion.”

2. But don’t

Though it’s important to express your feelings, it’s also important to stop short of becoming them, says Hendrix. So if you feel sad, let yourself wallow for a certain amount of time—say, an hour. Cry, scream, yell, journal, do whatever you need to do to let your emotions flow freely, she says. But when those 60 minutes are up, stop and move on to something else. 

3. Cut off communication with your ex.

There’s a scientific reason heartbreak hurts so much: You actually go through withdrawal-like symptoms after a breakup because the feel-good hormones you got from your partner are suddenly gone, says Elle Huerta, founder of Mend, an app and online community designed to help people post-breakup. “When your partner is no longer there, you start to crave those feel-good hormones,” she explains. “If you give in to this feeling and see your ex again, you’ll struggle to move forward and find yourself stuck months and maybe even years later.” (That’s why Mend promotes a 60-day “ex detox.”)

Cutting off all contact in the beginning is healthy, agrees Hendrix. It allows you to break your attachment to your former partner. That said, there’s no hard-and-fast rule about contacting your ex, she says. Brief, occasional communication—like, “Hey, could we talk for a few minutes? I’m having a hard time with this”—could be okay. Just be cautious that those “innocent check-ins” don’t become a habit. “Every time you talk to them, you open up another energy tie between you, and your goal is to break those energetic ties, not to keep creating them,” says Hendrix.

4. Find a support system.

Call two or three people you really care about and let them know what you’re going through, says Hendrix: “A lot of people love you, and they want to support you, but often they don’t know how because you’re not telling them. ”

Opening up to others may bring catharsis in return. “Most everyone has been on the receiving end of a breakup at one time or another, and commiserating with them, sharing experiences, getting counsel, being reminded you’re not alone, can be highly beneficial,” says Franklin A. Porter, PhD, a clinical psychologist in New York City.

5. Exercise.

Breaking a sweat may be the last thing you want to do when you’re wallowing, but trust: It can help just as much as watching those breakup movies, if not more. “The endorphins produced during exercise will help with the withdrawal symptoms post-breakup, and it also helps you build confidence in yourself,” says Huerta.

6. Try yoga or meditation.

If running on the treadmill isn’t your idea of how to get over someone, at least consider gentle movement activities like yoga or meditation. “Grief is experienced in the body,” says Dr. Wise. She suggests yoga to help your body release those emotions. “Grief is stressful and can temporarily dysregulate the autonomic nervous system, hence changes in your sleep, appetite, and concentration. ” According to Dr. Wise, breath work—a big part of yoga and meditation practices—can help calm the activation of that system.

“Going through grief can be an opportunity to learn new wellness habits like the regular practice of yoga, mindfulness, exercise, and even honing the ability to create more resilience and resourcefulness,” she explains. “If you have challenges finding such a practice, consider using a HeartMath biofeedback device, which can help you reset your nervous system and decrease the adverse effects of stress.”

7. Remember what sucked.

A common response if you regret breaking up is to idealize the other person, says Hendrix. And while you don’t want to deny that there were good parts of your relationship, you also don’t want to fixate on them. To find the middle ground, write a list of all the negative aspects of your former partner or relationship and look at it on the reg. “This mental exercise helps counterbalance all the obsessive thinking you will probably be experiencing around what you miss about your ex and why they were so great—even if they weren’t,” says Huerta.

8. Take care of yourself.

All experts agree that taking care of yourself in the midst of heartbreak is key. Check in with yourself throughout the day, says Hendrix, and ask, What do I need? Maybe it’s a healthy salad, maybe it’s a hot bath, maybe it’s a phone call with a friend.

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Also, know that feelings of rejection and diminished self-worth could trigger unhealthy responses like over- or undereating or substance abuse, which could lead to a depressive spiral, says Dr. Porter. “Exercise, nutrition, and proper sleep will raise the floor on how bad you feel,” he adds.

9. Don’t judge the length of your healing process.

“Don’t equate the time of healing with the time of your relationship,” says Hendrix. Even “almost” relationships can cause enormous heartbreak, says Huerta.

“A lot of times people are like, ‘Well, I was only with them for six months. Why am I devastated?’” says Hendrix. “Because you fell for them in six months and you’ve gotten super attached and you started spending every day and night together for a while. Your six months is like somebody else’s two years. So whatever you feel, honor that.” In truth, how long it takes to get over an ex depends on a variety of factors, including the narrative you tell yourself.

10. Don’t internalize the breakup.

In the aftermath of a difficult split, Dr. Porter says, avoid thinking, I’m not good enough—there’s something wrong with me. Instead, situate the problem in the relationship (if not in your partner), he says.

11. Identify and eliminate unhealthy behaviors.

Try to understand any impulses you may be having, like texting your ex, checking their Instagram every hour, or replaying every damn detail of your last weekend together. These urges are part of the natural withdrawal process that happens after heartbreak, but don’t let yourself overindulge in obsessive behaviors (like analyzing every aspect of your relationship until 4 a.m.), says Hendrix. If you find yourself spending significant time in this frame of mind, it might be wise to reach out to a coach or therapist for support.

12. Create new routines.

Realize that the breakup is likely going to cause voids in your life. Say you and your ex always went to the movies every Friday, says Hendrix. Now your Friday nights are wide open, but instead of wallowing alone, proactively call your friends and make plans.

13. Explore old—and new—interests.

Say you really enjoy the outdoors, but your ex didn’t, so while you were together, you cut back on your weekend hiking habit. Now that you’re single, give yourself permission to reconnect with that interest and also explore new hobbies. “The universe meets us at the point of action, and if we’re trying to heal, we have to take steps to heal,” says Hendrix.

Take intentional steps to move forward with your life, like joining a new gym, signing up for pottery class, or booking a trip with friends.

14. Accept that closure is something you may need to find on your own.

Sometimes you’re not going to get the closure you need from your ex, and you’ll have to find it on your own. If your former partner couldn’t explain the reason for the breakup, create your own healthy narrative. And if that isn’t enough to provide closure, consider talking with a therapist about how to heal a broken heart, says Hendrix.

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Also, if your breakup triggers thoughts and feelings about other losses in your life and you’re having a hard time processing it all, definitely seek outside help.

15. If you decide to date, do so cautiously.

After getting your heart trampled, it can be tempting to instantly download a dating app and search for a rebound. But Hendrix warns against dating too soon after heartbreak. “You don’t want to push yourself before it’s time just to avoid feeling your feelings because, most likely, they’re going to come back to bite you,” she says. At the same time, reentering the dating scene could provide a healthy confidence boost for your bruised ego. Just be honest with yourself—and the people you’re dating—about where you’re at emotionally, she says. If you’re not fully over your ex and simply looking for a fun fling, say so. 

16. Trust that the pain won’t last forever.

“However much pain you’re experiencing, try to believe that ‘this, too, shall pass,’ and have faith that on any given day, you could meet your special someone who’s truly right for you,” says Dr. Porter. When you’re in the thick of heartbreak, it can be hard to imagine that you could ever feel otherwise. But “time does tend to heal most, if not all wounds,” says Dr. Porter.

17. Down the road, reflect on the positive things.

In the long run, the breakup shouldn’t taint the whole relationship, says Dr. Porter. “As the pain subsides, consider the good you got out of it, embrace the excitement of new possibilities, and remind yourself how awesome you are.”

How to heal a broken heart?

I recently heard a phrase that in our times hearts and hopes are broken more often than cars. Therefore, it is not at all surprising that many of us would rather see a broken car than a broken heart. ..

Case history. Symptoms.

After all, a broken heart is emptiness, it haunts. She seems to envelop and, it seems, there is no way out. Dead end. Why is this happening? Maybe she didn't love him? And why not that...? He is the best, kindest, sweetest. The best. And is it really her fault that he still loves his "ex"? What he said, I'm sorry, let's stay friends. Guilty? No, it’s not her fault ... Is it that she once told him that she loves, puzzling ... But she told the truth ... She also had loves, and not one ... And there was also a lot of pain from the fact that she I thought that she loved, but they did not love her ... She is also special, different, the best. But they do not like her, and, perhaps, they did not love her ... It hurts. She will not forget him now, perhaps never... But you have to let him go... Many people live with such pain, and they live the same... And she will live as before, only without him, without his eyes, hands and smile. .. They live like - something else without him ... He was the meaning of her life, the sun, infinitely warm and joyful. And now it's raining... A dank gray rain on the street and in her soul. She no longer has the strength to live on without him ... He took a piece of her, perhaps the most important. She was left alone with her sadness ... Heart broken!

How to mend a broken heart? Treatment.

1. After a difficult breakup, many people withdraw into themselves. They want to be alone to mourn, think, cry. Need to cry. With tears, all the accumulated negative emotions inside you come out. But withdrawing into oneself is not a good idea. There are always people nearby who care about you: friends, relatives, relatives, colleagues. So they will be the first to carry out resuscitation with your heart.

2. Allow yourself to do whatever pleases your heart, regardless of the consequences, even if only for a few days. Arrange a bachelorette party, a “belly feast”, relax in your favorite place or where you have long dreamed of going, take care of yourself (hairdresser, spa, swimming pool), buy yourself a new dress or insanely expensive underwear. Or maybe skydiving or flying in a wind tunnel? Do everything that you would never have dared to do in your "old" life. The attention of a man, of course, is always important for us, but you will understand that even without him it can be infinitely good. You need to live for yourself and for your beloved, to get the maximum pleasure and joy from life.

3. And here is a well-known technique for healing a broken heart.

Visualize in your mind a channel that connects you to an ex. With your eyes closed, imagine two tubes through which energy circulates between you. Again, mentally, we take scissors and cut the tubes in half. Mentally pinch the ends that come up to you. The wounds on the heart will begin to grow together, albeit not immediately, but it will become much easier.

4. Try to load yourself as much as possible. For example, work. Occupational therapy has always been an effective tool in matters of the heart. Free time for experiences and thoughts should not remain.

5. Get rid of the idea of ​​getting revenge on your ex. No need to prove to him that you were the best with him, and how much he lost. We must try to forgive him.

Remember for the last time about your wonderful moments together, tell him mentally thank you (only mentally!), because thanks to him you were very happy for a while.

And you can already switch to other men!

6. Psychologists say that one of the most effective ways is to complain to yourself about your misfortune. Aloud. In front of the mirror. It is believed that this is a good help to relieve stress. As not a psychologist at all, I advise you to end this therapy in front of a mirror with a couple of funny faces. You now more than ever need positive emotions.

7. Do you know this wise phrase: “Whatever doesn't kill us makes us stronger”? Scientists believe that the brain needs 21 days to readjust to something new, whether it's a new job, school, or a new life without it and with a broken heart. After three weeks, even if nothing is done, theoretically it should become easier. The wounds in my heart will begin to heal on their own.

8. If all else fails, you can turn to a psychologist - a specialist in heart affairs, who always has in stock glue for broken hearts. It is not necessary to sign up for a face-to-face appointment; you can talk with a psychologist via the Internet. According to the statistics of the Moscow Psychological Assistance Service, people rarely seek help due to broken relationships (300 out of 20,000 cases).

9. The most important "Not", contraindication: do not treat a broken heart with alcohol. Firstly, for health and well-being - this is a therapy of little use. Secondly, getting out of control, things can come to nightly tearful calls to the “ex”. All previous attempts to heal a broken heart "down the drain." Some vicious circle!

Meetings and partings, gains and losses are an inevitable part of our lovely life. And no matter how hard it was at the beginning, it is possible to restore mental strength and heal a broken heart. But even well-healed wounds leave scars for the rest of your life, unfortunately...

PARABLE OF A BROKEN HEART

- Hello, I'm on the ad. Are you giving your heart to good hands?

- I.

- Used?

- Yes. It loved one person for three years.

- Wow! Three years of operation is quite a long time! Why are you giving away?

- The heart was mishandled by its previous owner. He broke it, cut it, played with it, stuck sharp objects into it... The heart ached, bled, but still performed its main function: loved it... And one day the one to whom it belonged broke it...

- How did you break it?! Have you been under renovation? What were you told?

- Not recoverable...

- Why did you advertise? Do you really think that someone needs your broken heart?

- I believe that there is a person in the world who can glue it together from fragments. I believe that he will not regret this love and time. I believe that he will be able to give him a second life. ..

- I... I'm ready to try. This, of course, will be difficult, but the result is worth it. Can you give me any guarantees? If I can restore it, I can revive your heart... how much more can it love?

- As long as it's beating...

- In the announcement you said that you would give the heart only on one condition...

- Yes. I need to make sure you won't hurt him.

- Unfortunately, I cannot see the future. I can't promise you that it won't suffer anymore... All I can do today is give you my heart in return...

- I agree!

- I am also satisfied with all the terms of the contract.

- So, see you tomorrow?! For exchange?

- Yes. Goodbye my love.

- See you tomorrow, darling...

Author
Natalya Sarmaeva for the Women's magazine "Prelest" how to deal with grief over a breakup with a partner, the loss of a friend, or the death of a loved one.