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How to Have Great Sex When You’re on the Autism Spectrum
Advice on the finer points of having great sex.
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Even though conversations about autism tend to focus on what autistic people struggle with, I’m a firm believer that being autistic makes me better at pretty much everything I do—and this very much includes sex. Since the rules of interpersonal connection haven’t always come easily to me, I’ve read all about how to be a phenomenal partner. And being hypersensitive to certain sensory stimuli can come in handy in the bedroom: Sometimes a partner just breathing on me is exciting.
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I wasn’t diagnosed with autism until age 31. It would have been nice to have known I was autistic when I first started having sex, because I might have understood (and accepted) that my sexuality wasn’t the same as everyone else’s. For instance, I may have understood that the irrational rage I experience when my skin is lightly grazed isn’t necessarily the result of, say, repressed childhood trauma—for autistic people, anger or dismay in response to sensation can simply be a sign of sensory overload.
Autistic people, like allistic (that is, non-autistic) people, are having amazing sex every day, but a lot of us could probably be having even better sex if we received advice that was geared specifically toward us. Toward that end, here are some tips from autistic people, experts, and those who fall into both categories on how to have an incredible time in bed when you’re on the autism spectrum—or if you want to be more sensitive to an autistic partner.
Account for and enjoy sensory sensitivities during sex
Many autistic people experience sensory sensitivities—strong reactions to sounds, sights, sensations, tastes, or smells. In the bedroom, this can make an autistic person highly responsive to both turn-offs and turn-ons. “There are times when I can feel my emotions with every cell in my body, so if that is a positive or euphoric emotion, that can be an amazing thing,” said Lauren Megrew, an autistic psychologist and psychotherapist.
If you have this heightened ability to feel, you may be easily distracted by unpleasant feelings or thoughts related to them.
As I mentioned, some autistic people dislike particular sensations such as being caressed very softly. “It makes them feel uncomfortable, or even angry,” said Christine Henry, a psychologist who works with autistic adults. In addition, sensory sensitivities experienced outside the bedroom may cause someone to need help relaxing and getting into the mood for sex. “Perhaps they have sensory overload from being around a loud coworker who was wearing strong perfume,” said Henry. “When they come home, they may need some space to reset from being overstimulated and reject any sexual advances.”
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If you have difficulty with certain types of sensory stimulation, or need time to recover from overstimulation experienced elsewhere, communicate this to your partner. Megrew suggested saying, “I’m definitely into this, but I need another five minutes because my head hasn’t calmed down yet.”
Some autistic people may not feel automatically equipped to do this. Some of us have been taught from a young age to suppress our natural inclinations and feelings to fit in (a strategy known as masking), explained autistic sex educator Jack Duroc-Danner.
But he said that learning how to have “open, direct conversations with our partners about what we need” outside of the bedroom can help make them aware of any sensitivities that may come up. This way, we’re not under pressure to address everything in the moment. Within these conversations and sex itself, Duroc-Danner recommended “moving from performance to pleasure”—in other words, “focusing not on what it should look like, but how you want intimacy to feel for you.”
Know when to plan and when to go with the flow during sex
Some autistic people experience motor coordination differently from neurotypical people, which may necessitate deliberate planning when it comes to sex, said Duroc-Danner. For instance, some people may have difficulty coordinating movements or knowing where their arms and legs are in relation to the rest of their or a partner’s body. “Letting people know where you’re going to be moving your body before you start moving it” can be helpful, Duroc-Danner said, along with “moving slowly, and being aware of how you’re moving.
”
While planning is a good thing in some situations, autistic people can sometimes get so wrapped up in their plans that they have trouble being in the moment. “Another area that could cause some distress is when someone envisions sex or intimacy to go a certain way and gets frustrated when it does not happen as predicted,” said Henry. For instance, if someone believes, perhaps based on porn, that they or their partner should enjoy a certain kind of stimulation and they don’t, this could throw them off.
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This can happen to anyone, whether or not they have autism, but unpredictability in the bedroom may be especially hard for autistic people due to cognitive rigidity—difficulty changing one’s mindset. Cognitive rigidity likely stems from sensory overwhelm and a consequent desire to feel in control, said Duroc-Danner. “One consequence of sensory differences and motor differences [can be] feeling that their body, other bodies, and the world aren’t safe or predictable,” he explained.
“If my partner is late, I knock over a candle, it ends up messy, timings mess up, or whatever can go wrong [does], I’ll have a meltdown,” said Rose Lauren Hughes, a 29-year-old autistic neurodiversity and disability specialist in Belgium. In cases like this, it helps to remember that sex almost never goes as planned, and that’s OK (in fact, it’s part of why sex is great). Henry suggested reminding yourself that “there is no set sexual script, and people have all sorts of variation when it comes to sex.” Basically, when you’re making plans, also plan to be surprised.
You can also incorporate expressions of cognitive rigidity into sex itself. For instance, this set of behaviors can show up as a need for structure in one’s schedule, which can create concerns about how long sex lasts. “I have engaged in roleplay of sorts where we used a timer, which was fun for me… having that time set and the boundary in control,” said Hughes. “In moments where I've been able to enjoy sexual activity before I need to be out or go somewhere, I say, ‘OK, we have 10 minutes,’ I ask Google to set an alarm, and the situation becomes more intense due to my partner and I racing that clock.
But it's always playful, never overly conducted!”
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Minimize anxiety triggers during sex
Many people have trouble quieting their minds and focusing during sex. This may be particularly challenging for autistic people, because their minds are working overtime to process a lot of information all at once, said Megrew.
Hughes describes her inner dialogue during sex in the following way: “Smells. Lighting. Temperature. Have I shaved? Am I bloated? Have I got to pee? Do I smell? Did I brush my teeth? Is there something nearby for cleanup? My shoes in the corner aren’t straight… That’s my brain when it should be, Ooh, that feels nice.”
In situations like these, Hughes sometimes finds it helpful to use a blindfold. “If I close my eyes, there is no risk of being distracted by literally anything,” she said, adding that she enjoys positions facing away from her partner. “Eye contact is super hard for my autism,” Hughes said, so she prefers to avoid the overstimulation that can come with it.
Some autistic people find certain sensory stimuli, such as textures or smells, to be comforting when they get overanxious, and these individuals may also gravitate toward BDSM. “A lot of people utilize rope because they like the way it feels,” said Duroc-Danner. Other textures people enjoy could include those of toys, like feather ticklers or floggers.
Hughes said that cold, hard textures do it for her. “We put metal in the fridge and then use it in a tantric way,” she said. “I find it calming for my sensory needs.”
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Another way autistic people commonly soothe themselves is by listening to the same song on repeat, and this strategy can also be utilized during sex, said Megrew. She suggested creating a playlist of just a few favorite sexy songs, perhaps ones without lyrics for minimal distraction. “It’s sort of a preemptive strike,” she said. “If I know my brain is going to be distracted by anything and everything it hears from my environment, I’d rather give it something that is going to keep my head on what I want to keep it on.
”
Communicate about—or let go of—social scripts during sex
Like all of us, autistic people can benefit from having explicit conversations with partners about what each person wants in the bedroom to avoid any miscommunications that may stem from difficulty reading social cues. “I like to talk about sex before having it,” said Hughes. “Every person, neurodiverse or not, still has personal preferences. It’s just become apparent to me that in order to have an optimized experience, I need to understand and express my needs.”
Those who struggle with knowing what to do in social situations may appreciate having some kind of structure to adhere to, which is another reason BDSM can come in handy. Megrew sometimes recommends BDSM to autistic clients who want a script to follow during sex. “One of the things that can be very difficult for my brain is not knowing what the expectation is,” she said. “When I am playing the role of a dom or a sub, there's a very clear expectation of what to do and how to do it.
”
The fact that autistic people don’t always follow social scripts can be a positive thing, allowing them to have sex in whatever way works for them and express themselves freely. “As autistic people, we’re very direct and upfront,” said autism sexuality advocate Amy Gravino. “As startling as it can be at first, it is beneficial. When I became more able to assert myself, it became an asset to be able to say, ‘Yes, more, faster,’ or, ‘I don’t like that.’”
Personally, since I sometimes find social interactions awkward, I love how sex can make me feel completely in tune with someone else. Autistic people who struggle with relationships may even find sex to be a healing experience, allowing them to form connections and feel close to others. “A lot of times with neurodivergence, there are sensory experiences we avoid, but we can relearn them in a positive way” though sex, said Michelle Hunt, a psychotherapist specializing in autism. “If we learn that touching during sex is from someone we love, we can reframe it in a positive association.
For example, ‘I don’t like being touched—but if it’s from a spouse, it’s OK.’”
Whatever your specific desires and preferences are, embracing them is the key to having a satisfying sex life, whether you’re autistic or not. “It’s really about having your desires validated to know that you’re OK, there’s nothing wrong with you,” said Gravino. “And finding a partner who’s willing to listen.”
Follow Suzannah Weiss on Twitter.
Dating as an autistic person can be challenging—but it’s also joyful and hot
Reframing the way we view “autistic traits,” like directness and openness, can make dating better for just about everybody
I was walking home in the cold when I got the dreaded rejection text.
“Sorry, I’m going to have to pass on a second date,” it read. “We didn’t have the chemistry I’d hoped for, and I don’t see us as romantically compatible.”
Cue Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria: my heart rate spikes and there’s a burning in my chest as everything I’ve been taught to hate about myself comes into sharp focus.
This only lasts about ten seconds—until I can remind myself that the approval of relative strangers doesn’t reflect my value as a human. But even after the alarm turns off, there is one phrase banging around my brain, driving away all other thoughts and inducing existential panic: What the fuck just happened?
Feeling confused about social interactions is nothing new to me. As an autistic person, navigating a world built for allistic people (that is, people who aren’t autistic) routinely feels like playing a game where everybody else got the rulebook and I didn’t. Growing up, austistics face a higher risk of bullying and isolation, which can manifest as an ever-deepening well of self-loathing in adulthood. The differences in how we experience everything from sensory processing to social interaction are pathologized in allistic culture as “autistic traits,” symptoms of a disorder so broad that it encompasses seemingly every aspect of our being.
Understandably, allistic flirting can feel like a bizarre mating ritual.
Eye contact, voice inflection, body language—all are incredibly important, yet completely unintuitive for many autistics. And online dating forces people into a labyrinth of word choice, emoji use and rules about when to text back. By now I’ve spent countless hours throwing autistic vulnerability into the digital ether, praying it impresses the little pictures of hot gays in my phone.
During my most recent endeavour, I had talked to a girl from Hinge for a few weeks while she was home for the holidays. She was really smart and the vibe was flirty—I was cautiously hoping this was someone I could actually date. We made plans to meet up when she got back and, with everything on lockdown, decided to grab a hot chocolate and walk around outside.
The date itself kind of sucked. Conversation flowed nicely, but between bulky jackets and runny noses there was no room to determine or establish chemistry. After the weeks-long buildup I was disappointed, but initiated a second date because we’d both tried our best in the miserable conditions, and had a good time chatting before that.
Her initial response was enthusiastic: “I’d love to see you again!” She suggested meeting up at her place. I was waiting to hear back about her schedule when she sent the rejection text instead.
In my confusion I was sure I’d made some unseen error that ruined everything, so I crowdsourced advice from some autistic friends. But they were equally surprised. One was particularly reassuring: “This is just a person who doesn’t know what she wants.”
My friend was probably right. Allistics are often very confusing, and everybody has the right to be unpredictable. But I still can’t shake the anxiety that no matter how hard I try, I’ll always be one step behind everyone else.
“Autistics tend to communicate directly and purposefully using very literal terms…Put simply: we know how to say what we mean.”
“Allistic culture creates autistic vulnerability by framing autistic strengths as weaknesses to be pathologized, eliminated and replaced.
” says Ander Negrazis, a non-binary autistic registered psychotherapist whose practice focuses on helping other queer autistics. “It doesn’t just get autistic people in trouble (with neurotypicals), it also gets neurotypical people into trouble with each other.”
Autistics tend to communicate directly and purposefully using very literal terms, prioritizing accuracy and depth of meaning over things like small talk. When embraced, this helps us get to the root of problems far more effectively, by doing away with frivolous niceties. Put simply: we know how to say what we mean.
Allistics have a tendency to interpret this as bluntness or rudeness, stemming from a failure to “read the room.” Yet when they miscommunicate key information, it’s not seen as their failure. Applying unspoken rules about communication to invalidate or silence autistic viewpoints is unfortunately a function of allistic culture.
“It doesn’t make any sense,” Negrazis says. “But it’s very normalized.
”
This makes autistics rely on lessons learned through social trauma to anticipate and react to allistics’ unspoken wants and needs. In my case, weeks of chatting, plus a relatively enjoyable date and encouraging follow up texts allowed me to calculate that I could feel secure about next steps. The rejection stung, sure, but suddenly realizing I’d misjudged the situation was far worse—it called into question my ability to handle just about any social interaction.
sitara has had similar experiences with dating. “It’s just tiring to be out in the world,” says the non-binary autistic artist from Toronto. “It can be difficult to understand how neurotypical people communicate … how they approach things like dating, or even connecting with people.”
sitara says they often feel the urge to put the brakes on attraction in order to avoid possible confusion or rejection, and hooking up or receiving verbal affirmation from partners does little to change that. Instead, they say, each interaction creates new opportunities for insecurity.
“Not only do I have to interpret what the other person is feeling about me, but I’m going to pick apart all my behaviours, and think about how I could have done things differently,” they explain. “I’m really harsh on myself, and I internalize the blame for things not going a certain way.”
This type of thinking can cause sitara to spiral. “[I think] ‘There could have been something here for me that was really great … Am I just sabotaging good things over and over again because I’m scared?’”
Negrazis agrees it can be hard for autistic people not to blame themselves for these experiences. But, they point out, “there are enormous problems with [neurotypicals] being vague, indirect, not thinking ahead to … even know what their boundaries, limits, wants and needs are.”
This is why Negrazis teaches their autistic clients that reversing this perspective is fundamental to healing autistic trauma.
For instance, this confusion is “not because autistic people are malfunctioning in their dating,” they say.
“[It’s because] one aspect of neurotypical culture is that lack of communication, the absence of assertiveness, the absence of direct honesty.”
Negrazis says rather than shrink themselves to fit allistic expectations, autistics should embrace the strengths that come with autistic traits. This level of vulnerability can often make allistics uncomfortable, but embracing it is an opportunity for them to practice empathy and learn entirely new ways of being. For example, social awkwardness is seen as a shortcoming in dating, but it’s actually a very vulnerable trait that shows someone cares deeply and is being transparent with their discomfort.
“Find people who really celebrate you and appreciate you for who you are, and delight in aspects of yourself that otherwise get shamed,” says Negrazis.
And that’s exactly what I did. Three days after the rejection text I met up with a new Tinder match at a weed store. We smoked at my place and hooked up after, like, 15 minutes. Fuckboy behaviour? Absolutely, drag me.
But guess what: we’re still dating. It’s awesome.
She’s not autistic, and she doesn’t have to be. I found someone equally slutty who says what they mean, and understands I can only do the same. She gives me space to be confused and ask questions; she makes sure to answer clearly and always asks her own. I can tell she’s listening because she turns off the ceiling light, lowers the volume to put on subtitles and traces little circles in the palm of my hand to help with sensory overload.
She also appreciates the intensity with which I show care and discomfort, and the silence that other people read as coldness. I feel safe infodumping, being goofy and going non-verbal; all parts of myself I’ve been taught to hate and hide.
As exciting as it is, I’m making sure to take Negrazis’ final advice to heart: “It’s okay to take a long time to trust somebody,” they say. “Setting a boundary is an act of trust, and people are very multifaceted and dynamic … meet their friends, lovers, chosen family, so you can get to know who they really are.
”
5SOS♥ - martian__girl - Wattpad
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Can an autistic person be social?
07/27/14
Clinical psychologist on the importance of teaching children with autism social skills
Author: Bill Nason
Source: Autism Discussion Page
Many children on the autism spectrum make great efforts to connect with other people and long to have friends and close relationships. Unfortunately, they are greatly hindered in establishing and maintaining relationships by difficulties in understanding other people's thoughts, feelings and points of view, perception of social context and unwritten social rules, difficulty in exchanging remarks and maintaining a conversation.
Children on the spectrum, even if they have a very strong need for relationships, will usually find it difficult to "fit in". It is difficult for them to coordinate mutual games with alternation of actions, to maintain purposeful communication, to correct the conversation in case of misunderstanding. They may be aware of these difficulties and try to play side by side but not in a group, or they may be unaware of their problems and try to dominate the game. They may not understand social boundaries and therefore be overly intrusive or bossy when playing.
They may not be able to play in turns or understand the social rules of the game. Often they try to dictate what, when and how to play. Often they assume that others want to play just like they do, and they don't understand that other children might want something different and that they have the same responsibility for regulating play. As the child matures, this inability to recognize, consider, and cooperate with play begins to annoy other children, who begin to avoid or tease the child with autism.
So the differences in autism come down to "social ability" rather than "social interest." For this reason, we must provide these children with many opportunities to:
1. Recognize and read other people's intentions and points of view.
2. Recognize and read nonverbal cues.
3. Initiate and maintain the exchange of remarks, mutual communication.
4. Read the unwritten rules of communication in a given context.
Without these skills, the child will be helpless in this confusing world of "relationships" with others.
This helplessness causes very strong anxiety in social situations, which turns into severe depression after several years of “trying to fit in” and “I don’t understand it at all!”
Even if a child does not have a strong interest in relationships, these skills are essential for "adapting" and "coexisting" with others for leisure, work, and a successful life in our highly social world. However, we must listen to and respect the social desires (degree of social interest) of the child. Many children are not interested in communication, for many, communication with other people causes exhaustion. Let the child's social interest determine what degree of contact with other people is appropriate for him. Do not force him to communicate more than his social interests dictate. This will cause difficulties and exhaustion, as a result, communication with other people will be associated in the child with negative experiences.
When children become adults, their quality of life will depend not on academic skills, but on social functioning in this world.
Many people on the autism spectrum can get a high school diploma but can't keep a job because they can't handle the social demands of the workplace. We need to make social “relationship” skills a priority for teaching these children, providing them with the tools to successfully communicate with others. From an early age, the educational plan for a child with autism should include teaching social skills.
Provide these children with many and regular opportunities to socialize: meet-ups to play with another child accompanied by an adult, leisure groups, scouts, dance clubs, adapted sports clubs and other social situations in which the child will learn and practice social skills. In schools, peer tutoring services and peer mentoring programs are vital, we must teach social skills in real social situations. Make learning to relate to others a top priority so that your child feels safe, accepted, and competent in the social world.
A little warning for parents. Do not confuse your own desire for a child to be sociable and have many friends, and the desire of the child himself.
Very often, children do not have the same need for a relationship as you do. For some children this is true, for others it is not. Some children need small social contacts related to their favorite activities, topics or interests. Other children need frequent and prolonged social contact.
Also try to never throw children into unstructured “play with other children” situations. With a high probability, this will lead to the fact that children feel incompetent because they do not know how to behave in a peer group. We often make the mistake of thinking that we just need to throw the child into social groups as often as possible, and then the child's social skills will develop by themselves. It will not happen. Start small: just meetings with one child with pre-arranged games, when it will be easier for the child to establish a relationship. Keep all social situations simple, planned and short. Remember that trying to interact with other people takes a lot of mental energy from the child.
