Marriage coaching near me

Marriage Coaching - Mark and Jill Savage

What is Marriage Coaching?

Marriage coaching is the process of counseling the individuals in a marriage in order to better manage frequent struggles of the relationship. This process requires one to recognize the current hardships of the relationship in order to, over time, mend the given issues. Having an outside coach to come in and provide an expert third-person perspective can provide life-changing insights on a marriage.

Why is Marriage Coaching Important?

Marriages are not always easy but they do not have to be a burden on one’s life. Marriage coaching cannot only improve a hurting relationship; it can also prevent a relationship from going downhill in the first place. Marriage coaching is important in order to take a step back and recognize the problems that are occurring and coming to terms with them. Marriage coaching will allow you to sit down with an experienced expert and have a personalized plan to improve your marriage.

What is the difference between Marriage Coaching and Marital Counseling?

In many cases, couples in a marriage can get confused on what help they want or need. When searching for help in a marriage, it is important to understand the difference in marriage counseling and marriage coaching. Though the definitions aren’t always clear depending on the source, below should clear up some confusion between the terms.

Marriage Coaching:

This process is more relational and personalized. Marriage Coaches often rely on years of personal experience and may or may not have formal education in the subject. Coaching is personal in regards to flexibility in meeting times; the coach is more focused on you and your spouse’s individual relationship. Instead of meeting in a formal office, coaches can meet in houses, coffee shops, online, etc. They make a strong effort to get to know you personally instead of labeling you into a specific group.

Marriage Counseling:

This process is often more formal, more intensive and clinical. Marriage counselors have formal education experience in related topics such as psychology, social work, etc. Counseling occurs in a formal office and has a regular meeting schedule. It is often seen as a more extreme treatment to a marriage because it deals with mending relationships after an event or occurrence (although coaching can do that as well). Because counselors have formal education and certification, they are able to treat problems with mental health and provide clinical solutions to the problems at hand.

Both marital coaching and counseling are valuable resources in a time of need in a relationship. It comes down to where you believe you and your spouse fit best. Some couples feel the need to get professional help with a full-time counselor and others like the personalization and more laid back process of coaching.

Is Marriage Coaching worth it?

Many couples say that their marriages are improved after working with a professional marriage coach. With the personalized counseling that you will receive, you will realize the weaknesses in your relationship and come to terms with them. One of the most important aspects in life is your relationship with friends, family, and your spouse. The earlier on in a marriage that you contact a coach, the quicker the common struggles will be identified and mended.

What Should I do if My Marriage is Failing?

Being in a failing marriage is tough but there are steps you can take in order to improve your relationship with your spouse.

Take a Step Back and Identify the Problem.

Couples should first take a step back and identify where the problem may be. Often times, couples get overwhelmed in the moment and don’t take the time to slow down and see the big picture. Reacting on pure emotion in the moment can lead to actions that you will regret in the future and cause more issues in the relationship.

Take the Right Steps.

It is difficult to do the right thing, especially if you believe you were correct, but doing so is a good step in cleaning up a mess in a relationship. Everyone knows deep down the right steps to take, it is harder to act on them. Often times, relationships get sideways because both parties refuse to act in best interest of the relationship. Acting selfishly is the last thing you want to do in order to fix a marriage issue.

Ask for Forgiveness.

Only saying “I’m Sorry” isn’t enough in any relationship. You should apologize and then ask for forgiveness. Genuine apologies are often difficult but are also overlooked. Taking the step to gain forgiveness on an issue may not fix a broken relationship, but it is a good start.

Get Professional Assistance.

Married couples overlook getting outside help from someone because they believe they can handle it. Though it is encouraged to work out the problem(s) internally within the relationship, some problems can get worse if approached in this manner. Contacting an experienced marriage coach is key to fixing the relationship in the most efficient manner.

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"For us, a family coach is like a clear mirror" (Svetlana and Alexander Slepukhins)

What is the comparison for a family coach?

For us, a family coach is like a clear mirror.

The mirror does not heal, it only reflects what is at the present moment. What to do with what the couple sees is up to them. Another issue is that this mirror reflects not what is on the surface, but what is inside, reflects deep dreams, values, beliefs, resources that are necessary for the realization of desires. When people begin to see more than just what catches the eye, when they are able to understand a partner, they have meaning, faith, determination and the power to change.
As if attention is switched from small and insignificant to huge, pleasing and significant.

We are Heap Certified Business Coaches. One of our values ​​is family. Married and happily married for 21 years.
According to one of the formations, we are psychologists, family consultants. Last year, we completed a three-day training program with Marilyn Atkinson on the Coaching for Families and Couples course. Thus, we discovered an elegant approach to working with couples, which we successfully practice along with business coaching.

Natalia Suslova, offered to share one of the latest cases to show the practical application of coaching in working with a couple.
The case is real, without names and details in the dialogue of the couple. I reflected the essence of the work itself and what sounded at the session, so that you can see what the couple came and left with after working with the coach.

A month ago, a couple came to the meeting, who are preparing for the wedding.
Usually, we do sessions with my spouse, but this time, I met with a couple alone.

From the first second I felt the tension between the young people.

The meeting began with the fact that the girl, almost crying, said that they were breaking up, having been friends for almost 4 years and being engaged for 2 months.
The man sat in silence, looking down.
I asked how they came to this decision.
To which the girl said that she could no longer torment the young man, trying to remake him, but also put up with what he could not do either. And the man said through tears that with all the desire to change, he cannot do this and promise that he will change too.
I tried to clarify what exactly it was about, but in response I heard only generalizations.
Then she suggested using Tan Doo metaphorical cards to make it easier for the couple to talk about what is important to them.
They agreed.
My task was to return the couple to the resource state before we start working on their request.

The girl took 7 random cards in a closed way, and the young man also took 7 random cards.

Each card answers one question
1. What do I think of our relationship?
2. How do I feel?
3. What do I do/how do I act towards my partner?
4. What do I think my partner thinks about our relationship?
5. How does my partner feel?
6. What does it seem to me that the partner is doing / how he is acting towards me?
7. What is it about for me / what is between us?

On the table in front of each of them it looked like this:


The girl’s variant after she opened all the cards in sequence:

And then each of them was able to say what he sees, thinks, feels, how he acts in a relationship and how he thinks, sees, thinks, feels and partner arrives.
Thus, not only from his own position, but also from the position of a partner.

She looked at the cards and said the answers to the questions:
• I think I'm tired and can't take it anymore
• I feel that I love him very much
• I try to change him all the time, but at the same time I hurt him and suffer myself
• He thinks he is terrible around me
• He is lonely and frustrated
• He is most often silent, listens and agrees to what I insist on
• Our relations become more tense from day to day, friendship breaks. I want to maintain and strengthen relationships. I need to stop redoing it. I got tired of it and tormented him.

The girl was crying, the young man was crying too.

The young man's variant, after he opened all the cards, looked like this:

Then, turning over card after card, he shared his understanding:
• I think I try all the time to pretend to be someone I am not
• I feel we are lost and need help
• I often withdraw and withdraw into myself
• She thinks we'd better break up
• She feels that we are different and not suitable for each other
• She tries to communicate less with me and decide everything herself
• We seem to be close, but everyone has their own idea of ​​life, everyone has their own way. We need to learn how to build relationships.

Then what do you really want?

They both wanted the same thing - a relationship. Or rather, to preserve, strengthen and learn how to build relationships.

As if we were in a long-term coaching relationship, what big dream of yours could today's meeting bring you closer?
• Always be together and be happy.

What will be the best result of our meeting for you?
• Learn how to build our relationships

What will happen when this happens?
• Joy and confidence, more understanding and trust

What would you like to build?
• Understand what everyone needs
• Know what to do to meet expectations

This was the first time the couple had met, so I suggested the plan for the session myself, based on what they requested.

How do you like this plan:

1. We look at what the desired relationship is
2. What do you expect from each other in this relationship
3. What to do to build them?

• Yes, that's what you need

I asked them to consciously choose one more card, asking the question "What would you like your relationship to be like?"
They chose one card each and shared their understanding

What is in this relationship?
• Love

I suggest using a circle to put in what you're about to say, ok?
• Yes, of course

How do you know that you are loved?
We drew a circle (wheel) in which there were 3 criteria from a girl and 3 criteria from a man.

The girl listed the following:
• Gifts
• Support
• Approval

The young man listed the following:
• Respect
• Acceptance of
• Friendship

What is it?
• This is what we value

How do you want each value to be manifested by the partner (essentially this is the question “What would you like from a partner?”)

I would like, said the girl, that:
• You gave me at least small gifts several times a week, remembered important dates and spared no expense. Gifts can be: flowers, chocolate, a small toy or something that I just like (small), it is important for me that you notice what I am talking about ....
• Support is when we do what is important to me together. It is important to me that you find time for ...
• Approval - it is important for me that what is done is perceived with gratitude, it is important for me to hear that I am smart ....

I would like, said the man, that:
• My ideas, opinions were appreciated by you. Even if it sounds stupid or irrational for you to accept it without criticism and personalization….
• Acceptance is when I am appreciated simply because I am, not for something I have done. I am in the process and changing, but accepting me the way I need to be now….
• Friendship is important to me. Friendship is to do together what I'm interested in and share what happened to us ... Know each other and support.

How do you feel now?
• Joy of being heard

Young man:
• Confidence that everything will work out, because it is clear what to do

What can you do from this state?
• Build, change

How can you enter this state?
• Looking at the wheel!

Is it useful to assess how much you show in relation to your partner what he expects from you?
• Yes
Then how?
• As in school from 0 to 5

And then what do we have?
Each of them assessed in his own opinion and asked the partner, and how he thinks, how much he manages to show the desired quality, then they indicated the assessment that they agreed on

After what you heard, what are you ready to do to make your partner experience love for 5?

I'll miss the dialogue between the couple, because I don't need to understand the tools.

Which of your qualities will help build relationships?
• This is a difficult question

Then choose 2 cards on the table

• Loyalty
• Honesty

Young person:
• Poise
• The ability to make friends

Is there anything else that each of you needs to learn in order to build relationships?

What can each of you do today?

How to deal with the question “Do we want to leave?”
• Not. Now we want to build and live happily!

What other issues will need to be discussed together to make your dream of “Always be together and happy” become a reality?

When can we schedule the next meeting?

Can we end our meeting today?
• Yes

What have you learned about your relationship?

What did you learn about each other?

What have you learned?
• I learned to look at the situation through the eyes of a partner
• And I realized that everything complicated can be divided into parts, and then you can work on it

What do you leave with something valuable for yourself?

I thanked the couple for the courage to look in the mirror and realize what can be changed in a relationship in order to always be together and be happy (after all, this is their dream, to which, perhaps, they have become one step closer).

Their faces shone, and I experienced peace next to them and some kind of quiet joy from the fact that they were able to talk about what is important for themselves, hear each other and REALIZE what exactly they want for themselves and from their partner, from the fact that there is everything the necessary resources and understanding of their own actions in order to build what they are together for.
As if she participated in the opening of the wings.
Fly or not - it's up to them.
As I write, I feel warmth and joy again.

Session result:
o Clarified the causes of conflicts and relationship problems
o Realized what they really want for themselves and expect from each other
o Found resources to maintain and develop relationships
o Learned to simplify the complex and look at the situation through the eyes of a partner
o We left the intention to destroy, we came to the intention to create

From childhood I dreamed of being a fulfiller of people's good desires and opening an Angel's waiting room.
Sometimes, after completing a coaching session with a couple, it seems to me that my wish has already come true.
Family coaching is a door to a world where people learn to listen, negotiate with each other, grow and change in the presence of each other, while maintaining a stable system of family relationships.

The authors of the article:

Svetlana Slepukhina
ACC ICF Coach, Erickson International Coach Certified Coach, Business Coach, Team Coach, Families & Couples Coach

Alexander Slepukhin
Coach ACC IAC, business coach, team coach, family and couples coach
graduate of the Marilyn Atkinson Coaching for Families and Couples program.

How sibling status affects marital relationships

Tell me what he is like among brothers and sisters,
and I will tell you what kind of relationship you have in marriage.

In one of the study groups we touched upon a very interesting topic of relationships between brothers and sisters. And the system constellations very clearly showed that the habits and worldview formed by partners in the parental family are replicated in the future in their marital relations.

Below are the results of the constellation tests. This, of course, is the average "temperature in the hospital." The situation in a particular family will always differ from the average level. But even the average information can give you a lot of food for thought and perhaps suggest ways to improve your relationship in a partnership.

Marriage of older children

Marriage of partners who were the eldest children in the parental family is more suitable for joint business. Both partners have experience in caring for the younger ones, they are responsible, serious, practical, pragmatic. There is little room for playfulness and laughter in such relationships. Little room for feelings. But a lot to do.

One of the potential threats to such a marriage is the habit of both to command others, the tendency to be authoritarian, straightforward. In order for a family boat to overcome the pitfalls, it is necessary to develop the skills of an equal dialogue, the ability to listen to a partner, to be sincerely interested in his mood and condition, desires and dreams. Recreational activities are also helpful. They just need to be included in a jointly agreed plan.

Marriage of older brother and younger sister

Marriage of older brother and younger sister is more like a father-daughter relationship. A woman admires herself, she is accustomed in her family to increased attention from her parents and older brothers and sisters. She has high standards. She loves herself and sincerely considers herself a gift to her husband: “Oh, how good I am! My husband is lucky to have me!" The husband is fascinated, he is ready to throw the whole world at her feet, he does everything himself, he makes all decisions himself (responsibility for the younger ones is in his blood!). But gradually, a man can accumulate fatigue and anger due to the fact that he receives little for himself in these relationships. Especially many claims to the wife can be in connection with the domestic aspects of running a joint household. The further, the more.

The way out of the situation is to foresee this situation in advance, soberly assess your personal contribution and the partner's contribution to the compatibility of relations and agree on the shore. As much as possible. For example: “ I invite you into a relationship. I can give you this and that, but from you I expect this and that . After all, when the two weighed everything in advance, evaluated, decided to be together, they will no longer be able to reproach each other: “ I thought that you would give me a lot. And you deceived !” Although who, being in a love fever, rationally weighs and evaluates the prospects for the further development of relations?!

Marriage of younger children

The family life of a younger brother and younger sister can resemble a carefree holiday of life, without special obligations, without practicality in solving everyday issues. Both will maintain contact with the parental family in order to "continue the banquet." Why think about serious issues and be responsible? Parents will always help, we are their favorites. Often they will compare the partner's contribution to the generosity of their parents, and, of course, not in favor of the partner. And from here close to claims and insults. He told her: “I just can’t understand what else you want from me!?” She told him: “I don’t feel support from you, you are always busy with your toys ...”

We can recommend such a couple the following - to live together for some time before the wedding, under one roof, without the support of their parents. This kind of test will help to quickly identify tensions and agree on the future. And if you got together and got married, try to minimize the interference of parents in your relationship. All the skills and techniques for protecting personal boundaries will be very useful to you.

Marriage of a younger brother and an older sister

If a younger brother and an older sister are married, the model of the relationship of partners can be approximately as follows. A man, most likely, will require increased attention from his wife: “Take care of me, please!”. Remember Carlson's phrase: "Baby, be my own mother!" It's just about that. In an effort to rely on his wife, the youngest son in the family has no equal. Takes and sincerely praises! And a woman who, from childhood, has the habit of taking care of her younger ones, can succumb to this affection and take care of her husband wholeheartedly for a long time. Or he can get tired and angry: “Slob!” If a wife brings such a husband to a therapist in order to harmonize relations, the husband will sincerely not understand: “Why? I'm fine as it is!"

The recommendation for balancing the relationship of partners in such a marriage may be the following. A woman needs to learn to take care of herself and gradually reduce the level of traffic of care, the cargo turnover of kindness to a man: less to decide for herself, more questions to delegate to her husband. And most importantly - do not stifle the male initiative with the usual opinion that you yourself will do better. Encourage each of his constructive steps. "You hit a finger on a finger - well done!" A woman needs to create a training ground for her husband within the framework of the family for the realization of such masculine qualities as strength, dexterity, determination, fighting and entrepreneurial qualities. And after a while next to you is not a boy, but a husband! Responsible, caring and generous. A husband who is happy to contribute fully to the family togetherness.

Marriage of middle children

Marriage of middle children even. “There are no strong emotions. Very comfortable. Equality in status. Equal responsibility. Feeling of support and understanding. If you want, you can play. Joint business. We live for ourselves, we live, we make good!”

Marriage of only children

If the only son and only daughter of their parents are married, the relationship may be as follows. « Great degree of autonomy. I don't feel in common. Everyone on their own. He is on his own. I am on my own. Little closeness. A clear sense of boundaries is mine, and this is yours ".

This couple can recommend the following. Respect for partner boundaries is a must. If you want to be friends - do not step on a sore spot. Controlling every step, keeping a partner on a short leash is dangerous. Let your partner hang out with friends. Let him have his own territory in space and time. He wanted to be alone, and you do your own thing.

It is necessary to plan joint pastime in advance: holidays, holidays, weekends. Surprises get in the way here.

Marriage of older brother and only daughter

Elder brother married to the only daughter of his parents will fight for the right to influence, for the role of the first violin in the orchestra. He often wants to tell his wife something instructive, correct, straighten up. And for the wife, with whom the parents blew off the dust particles, such an attitude towards themselves is far from a holiday. She has a feeling that her husband is looking at her strictly, and she is in front of him like a loser. Any step is evaluated: “ I'm like a fly under a microscope. I can not afford bright feelings and unusual behavior, this may be inappropriate or wrong from his point of view ".

The fact is that he has experience of influencing others, experience of pushing through others, but she does not have this. And on the external level, she will give in to pressure, but inside she will resist and protest.

The recommendation for such a pair may be as follows. Take good care of each other before marriage. Can you coexist in harmony? Develop mutually acceptable mechanisms for coordinating opinions so that no one is offended. Communicate in a dialogue where everyone has an equal right to their opinion. In the end, fulfill your desires in turn. Today we fulfill your desire, and tomorrow mine.

Marriage of the youngest son and the only daughter

When the youngest son and the only daughter enter into a relationship, the following happens. There is little in common. He passively waits for the initiative from her: “ When will she make me a sandwich!? ". And such a woman has no experience of caring for someone. " I will not take care of him !". On the contrary, in the parental family, everyone took care of her. She expects care from him, and he does not meet expectations. Therefore, the attitude towards him as a frivolous, unworthy candidate.

Marriage of middle brother and only daughter

Middle brother and only daughter can get used to. She feels: “ He doesn't dominate me. I feel comfortable with him. From it to me there is a large flow of heat. It is possible to live in such relationships. There is no holiday, no common affairs, but you can live. We live and live. He doesn't need much ."

Marriage with a twin

A special topic is the relationship of partners who have a twin brother or sister. In this case, the twin is perceived by the partner as a strong competitor, who almost does not give a chance. A lot of warmth goes to a brother or twin sister. And all this is accompanied by a feeling of guilt towards a partner. So, a twin brother or sister is forever. Since you have chosen a partner who has a twin, know this and consider it.


Dear psychologists and family therapists. If a couple has approached you for help and advice, it is enough to ask a question about the status of partners in their parental family. This alone can help build working hypotheses and offer recommendations. All great things are simple!

Dear spouses! Many patterns of behavior, many habits are formed from early childhood, from the cradle. And so they are difficult to correct. But something can be done right away to harmonize partnerships. Just know and respect each other's differences. Do not step on your partner's sore calluses. Do not demand the impossible from your partner - momentary changes. Encourage the manifestation of his best sides. Appreciate the partner's contribution to the common.

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