Making her feel special

How To Make Your Girlfriend Feel Special

The special person in your life gives you great joy, and you want to make her feel appreciated. We are here for you if you need help figuring out how to make your girlfriend feel special. It is no secret that girls love when their significant others go out of their way to show them care and affection. But, of course, little things matter, and there are simple things you can do to make your girlfriend feel special. Simply seeing her smiling and happy will be worth everything you do.

However, you may require recommendations to impress your girlfriend because we are all unique. We have picked 25 ways to make your girlfriend swoon and fall deeper in love with you. Check them out right here.

In This Article

25 Easy Ways To Make Your Girlfriend Feel Special And Loved

1. Compliment Her Often

Compliments are a great way to make your girl feel special. Try to find new ways to compliment her on something you have not before. It can be anything about her looks, style, personality, or her unique talents.

If you identify something she does not like about herself and compliment her on it honestly, it will make her feel loved and special and raise her confidence.

Related: Best Compliments For Women To Brighten Their Day

2. Plan Little Surprises

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Planning beautiful little surprises can be a great way to make your girlfriend feel over the moon. It could be anything like getting her favorite flowers, cooking a meal for her, or taking her on a long drive after a day of hard work.

To build extra excitement, you can buy her small gifts and hide them around the house to give her the thrill of anticipation.

Related: 37 Unique Wedding Anniversary Ideas To Surprise Your Partner

3. Offer Her A Massage

After a tiring day, nothing feels more special than being pampered by that special someone. And what could be better than giving her a nice massage?

Give her a foot massage if she is on her feet all day. If she has pain in her neck and shoulders, gently work that area. The idea here is to make her feel relaxed and relieve her stress and anxiety.

4. Kiss Her Forehead

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Every girl loves to be kissed on her forehead. There is something about a forehead kiss that makes a girl feel special and loved.

For women, it is more of a caring gesture that carries much more importance than lip kisses do. It also shows that you adore her and are always there to comfort her.

5. Leave Her Surprise Notes Or Messages

One way to show your girlfriend how much you love and care for her is by sending her surprise notes or messages. You can tell her something like, “You make my life brighter,” “I am in awe of your beauty,” or “I feel fortunate to have you in my life.” While it only takes a few seconds to do it, it will surely make her feel special and fall in love with you all over again.

Related: 101 Cute Love Paragraphs For Her To Express Your Feelings

6.

Be Respectful To Her

When in a relationship, respect is not just about answering phone calls, opening doors, or carrying stuff for her. It is also about your willingness to truly listen to her opinions, give her space to express herself, and respect her decisions even if your perspectives differ.

7. Be Faithful To Her

This is the minimum that you need to do if you want to maintain the relationship. Giving up the habit of staring at other girls or flirting with them is best. Keep your heart and eyes only on her, and look for new ways to further strengthen your bond with her.

8. Make Time for Her

The easiest way to show your girlfriend how much you love her is by making her your priority. Make efforts to be available for her because if she matters to you, you will not make excuses and always make time to be with her.

9. Always Encourage And Support Her

To show your girlfriend how supportive you are, you need to encourage her in her work and other interests. Tell her how proud you are of her abilities and encourage her to pursue her dreams and things that make her happy.

10. Write Her Romantic Love Letters

Surprising your girlfriend with a love letter will make her feel special and show your deep affection. Love letters are a great way to share your feelings with your partner and tell her how you feel about her and your relationship.

Related: How To Write A Love Letter For Your Girlfriend Or Boyfriend

11. Never Pressurize Her Into Doing Things She Does Not Want

Putting pressure on your girlfriend to do something she dislikes or does not want to do can ruin your relationship. It will create resentment and make her feel that her preferences are of no concern to you. It is especially important that you do not force her to do anything in the bedroom.

Related: 15 Most Important Things In A Relationship

12. Always Be Patient With Her

If you value your relationship, make sure to be patient with her. It will not only help you develop a strong bond with her, but it will also make your girlfriend feel special in the relationship. Learn to accept her imperfections and be patient with her when you hit a rough patch in the relationship.

13. Remember The Details

Remembering all the little details about your girlfriend and relationship is a great way to show affection. Note important dates such as when you had your first date, engagement date, birthday, and other important events.

Surprise her with some nice gifts on these days to make her feel loved. Showing that you remember important details about your relationship is a great way to show what she means to you.

14. Tell Her How Much You Value Her

Never stop telling her what she means to you and how much you value her. Your words and actions should make her feel how much you love and accept her as she is, with all her faults and shortcomings. This will make your girl feel special and boost her confidence despite her imperfections.

15. Be There When She Really Needs You

While it’s much easier to stand by your girlfriend’s side in good times, you being there for her during difficult times of despair and pain is what can make her feel truly special.

Tough times are when she needs you the most, so make an effort to be there for her through these periods. Do everything in your capacity to ease her pain, relax her mood, and offer her the assurance and strength to overcome difficult times.

16. Do Not Compare Her To Other Women

Comparing your girl to other women can be disastrous. Be sure never to do that, or else you will harm your relationship greatly. Refrain from comparing her to your ex-girlfriends and your mother or sisters.

17. Make Her Feel Safe

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By caring for your girlfriend and protecting her physical and emotional well-being, you make her feel special and show her how deeply you value her and your relationship with her. Assure her that you are a safe haven that she can trust completely.

18. Create New And Meaningful Experiences Together

There is no feeling more special for a girl than doing things with her partner. Whether it is working out together, taking a class together, or doing a cooking course together, show her that you know what is important to her and support everything she wants to pursue.

Quick Tip

Keep her personality and preferences in mind if you’re planning to surprise her with an unexpected fun experience. Plan a hike or a camping trip if she likes adventure, or visit a museum or a heritage site if she enjoys history and art.

19. Let Her Know That She Is The Only One For You

Women feel anxious and jittery when men bring up other women from their past. You need to make her feel like she is the best you have ever had and you cannot wait to build a long-lasting relationship with her.

20. Respect Her Wishes

While you may not agree with everything your girlfriend says or does, mutual respect is important to any healthy relationship. That is why you need to respect her wishes without necessarily sacrificing yours. At times, bending a little for her wishes may make you learn something from her, apart from making her feel cared for.

21. Listen To Her

Being available to your partner for guidance and advice forms the basis of a healthy relationship. Make the time to genuinely listen to her opinions or viewpoint on things.

Even if she is complaining about something, remember that it means she trusts you enough to express her true feelings to you.

22. Be Affectionate With Her

Girls love subtle displays of affection like holding hands, quick kisses in public, or draping your arm over her shoulder. To make it comfortable for her, you can have a conversation about how much public display of affection she is okay with.

23. Ask About Her Likes And Dislikes

To make sure that you understand her and do things she enjoys, ask her about the things that make her feel special. Once you know what she likes, do one or two a day, depending on your energy levels and emotional capacity that day.

Related: Benefits Of Hugs: How Many Hugs Do We Need In A Day

24. Give Her Unexpected Hugs

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Embrace her unexpectedly, especially when she is stressed or tense about something. This comforts her in the tense situation and allows her to relax and de-stress.

25. Begin And End Your Day With Her

Even if you cannot see each other every day, send her a simple text when you wake up and before you go to bed. This will make her realize that she is the first and last person you think of daily.

Quick Tip

You can show her your concern and support by sending her a simple text asking how her day went.

Want to learn other ways to make your girlfriend feel better over text? Keep reading.

Tips On How To Make Your Girlfriend Feel Special Over Text

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To let your girlfriend know that she is special over text can be tricky. Make sure you are open and honest while communicating because if you start texting small white lies that are not true, she will soon know, and it can damage your relationship.

Being sensitive is also very important when you are texting your girlfriend. Take your time with your messages, and make sure you put some serious thought into them. The key here is to make it personal and special for her.

Some examples of texts that will make her feel loved, respected, cherished, and wanted are:

I do not think I can ever get enough of you, my love!
I love it when you smile or laugh. You look so beautiful and amazing!
Time flies every time I am with you. I wish I could make time stand still when I am with you.

And what about long-distance relationships, you ask? Read on to learn a few things to tell your girlfriend to make her feel special.

Tips On How To Make Your Girlfriend Feel Special In A Long-Distance Relationship

Men face a lot of pressure when it comes to impressing their girl, especially in a long-distance relationship. They are typically tagged as less expressive or insensitive when it comes to expressing their love.

Below are some ways to make your girlfriend feel special when in a long-distance relationship and ensure that you both have a strong bond despite the physical distance.

Whether you are talking to her over the phone or by text, be honest and share details about your day with her. This will help you both stay updated about the things going on in your lives.
Leave sweet comments on her social media posts.
Try to take a weekend trip with your girlfriend every few months to make her feel special. You can also surprise her by turning up at her doorstep! However, make sure you don’t overdo it, as it can come off as clingy.
If you are still wondering how to make your long-distance girlfriend feel special and happy, look for ways to surprise her. The best way to do this is to send her sweet gifts every few months. You can send her a handwritten letter or a care package stuffed with all the snacks she loves.

You can build your relationship by taking small but significant steps. If you are searching for ways to make your girlfriend feel special, we have you covered with these easy yet effective ideas. Simple gestures like writing her letters, listening to her, remembering the little details, or encouraging her can help you express how much she means to you and convey your love for her. You do not have to spend all your money on the most expensive gift; instead, do little things to show how much you love and care about her.

Rather than buying the most expensive gifts, invest some time in doing the sweet little things that show her how much you love and care about her.

Frequently Asked Questions

What should I text my girlfriend at night?

You may wish them a good night but if you want to make her blush, below are some examples you can try:
• It hurts to say goodnight because I want to talk to you till the sun rises.
• Just to let you know, I will be dreaming about you tonight.
• I am glad you are always the last person I talk to before I fall asleep every night.

Key Takeaways

Women love it when their partners go out of their way to show their love and affection for them.
You can show your love and appreciation for your girlfriend by complimenting her and listening to her opinions on various things.
Being faithful and committed to the relationship is key to maintaining and strengthening the bond.
Honest and open communication is essential in a long-distance relationship.

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11 Easy Ways Men Can Make Her Feel Extra Special Tonight

While there's nothing wrong with grand romantic gestures, a surprise trip to Turks and Caicos requires a lot more time, money, and effort than a few things that you can do this very evening that will make her feel special, respected, considered, and loved. Below are eleven such things. Bust them out tonight and reap the myriad rewards of improved and renewed connection with your boo. Then combine these tactics with the 30 Words and Phrases Every Woman Wants to Hear, and she'll feel like a princess in no time.

Don't hesitate to tell her how great she looks or smells. Remember when your relationship was fresh and the compliments came out of your mouth thick and fast? Try and tap into the all the googly-eyed thoughts and feelings that begat all those sweet nothings, even though years or even decades have elapsed since then. It'll pay dividends. "We all want to be desired," says sex therapist Laurie Watson, host of Foreplay: Radio Sex Therapy. "There is nothing like hearing this from a partner, particularly at the beginning or the end of the day. A meaningful, verbal gesture like this can act as a form of foreplay for men and women alike. Knowing that one's partner is left thinking about them for the day, until they meet again, is most certainly a turn on. "

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Randomly leave love notes for her to find. Having phones in our pockets enables us to send our partners reminders of how we think and feel about them in a mind boggling variety of ways. In fact, it's so easy to send texts, audio, video, cartoon avatars, and so on that shooting them around is practically mandatory and hardly surprising. What is surprising? Putting pen to paper.

"Everyone wants to feel like they are loved and appreciated" says sex therapist and sexuality educator Kristen Lilla LCSW. "Random notes remind her how special she is to you." Imagine her surprise as she finds a thoughtfully composed note tucked away in her pants pocket, in her underwear drawer, or any other incongruous cranny.

Break your routine. "It's easy to fall into routine as the years pass," says Lilla. "While there's value in having a routine, it can also get boring." Flip the script and change the routine from time to time, whether it's trying a new restaurant, learning something new together, or going on a vacation. That break from the same old same old will demonstrate to her that you are prioritizing her and the relationship and are not content with the same old, same old. Here are some pointers to spice things up in the bedroom with 60 Sex Positions Every Couple Needs To Try.

Remember the names of her friends and co-workers. Watson recommends that you pay attention to what's going on in her world and what's important to her. The easiest way to do that? Keep track of the people she's close with. "When my husband and I were young, I kept a notecard with the names of his clients and projects stashed in my junk drawer," she says. "I would sneak a peak to refresh my memory and to keep the data straight in my head before he got home at night." Watson's point? Remembering the details shows we care.

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Share your feelings. This article is about ways to make her feel special. If you think that entails focusing exclusively on her thoughts and feelings while putting yours on the back burner, think again. "At the end of the day sharing how we feel is what bonds two people," says Lilla. "Sharing your feelings shows that you know how to be vulnerable and that you trust her." Men have a reputation for keeping feelings inside. Play against stereotype and let her know about the thoughts that occupy your mind in any given day. She may be able to help and chances are that she'd feel good about unburdening yourself. You may avoid some common pitfalls by being honest about the things that upset you with your partner.

Act like you're partners in all areas of your life. In writing articles like this one, I often use the word partner as it's more of a catch all term that can apply to all situations, all genders, all orientations. I use it so much in fact that I've become somewhat desensitized to its core meaning: a person who takes part in an undertaking with another.

"Having a partnership means supporting one another and working as a team," Lilla reminds us. "You can't pick and choose when to be on your partner's team, because then it isn't really a partnership. It doesn't mean you have to agree on everything, but it should mean you respect and validate differences in opinion and find ways to compromise, together." A practical way of strengthening that partnership is to…

Set some relationship goals. You may have given some thought to wear you want to be in five years and perhaps she has, too. Where you'd like to live, where you'd like to travel, the kind of things you'd like to achieve in your career—that sort of thing. Now, take some time to think about where you want your relationship to be four, five, or ten years out from now. Set aside some time to relax and invite your partner to open up about what she wants from your relationship in the years ahead. This will demonstrate a willingness to be on the same page as your wife of girlfriend and chart a course for the future together.

Send her texts. Above we mentioned the how leaving random notes for your partner to find is a great way to tell her that you're thinking of her, that you value her and that you care. But all kinds of things happen when you're apart and texting is a fantastic way great way to show her that you're thinking of her in real time.

Listen. Apparently men aren't very good at just listening. We're eager to scramble to find a solution to a problem as opposed to listening to how your partner is thinking about it. Part of this well is demonstrating that you're picking up what she's laying down. "Show her you're interested in her and what she has to say," says sex therapist Constance DelGiudice, Ed.D, LMHC. "Keep in mind, listening is more than just giving her your ear." DelGiudice recommends that you engage in active listening which requires that the listener fully concentrate, understand, respond, and then remember what is being said.

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Kiss her in public. Public displays of affection aren't everybody's bag, but many women we spoke to told us that they like others to see that their significant other loves them. "Women want to feel special, that you adore her more than any other," says DelGiudice. "Kissing her in public sends this message."

Give her a massage with no strings attached. Within the context of a relationship, a massage is often thought of as a preamble to something else, and it's easy to see why. Massages are sensual, soothing, relaxing, and effective at lowering anxiety and deepening connections between people. But you can show her that you care for her by making it clear that you'd like to give her a massage for its own sake. And if it does lead to some intimate times, take heed of doing anything to kill the mood for you and your partner.

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What makes us feel loved

Psychology

Philosophers and poets have been pondering the meaning and power of love for thousands of years. Much less attention is paid to exploring the other side of the question - what makes us feel loved?

Psychologists who have joined the creative fraternity study emotional topics in much more detail. It was they who finally decided to catch up and find out what exactly causes a feeling of love in us and how individual the reaction that accompanies this response is.

Using an approach known as “cultural consensus theory” as part of the study, Seyde Heshmati, Ph.D. response feeling. More specifically, respondents were required to confirm or deny that most people would feel loved in any given situation.

Research data, published last January by the American Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, confirms not only impressive public agreement on romantic and non-romantic experiences, but also interesting differences. Some of the results are obvious - most respondents agreed that lovemaking, hugs, compliments and gifts definitely make us feel loved. Equally logical was the agreement about the mundane but touching moments to which we reflectively respond with love, when a pet, wagging its tail, runs out to meet, a child wraps its warm arms around its neck, or someone very appropriately shows compassion.

WHEN WE FEEL LOVED

Here are some examples of scenarios that are almost universally recognized as evoking feelings of love: when you are sick and someone cares for you tenderly, when you are told “I love you”, when you spend time with children, feel special or have a great time with your loved one.

Significantly less agreement about the emotions experienced was caused by situations in which other people (pets) did not participate or there was no romantic context. For example, the feeling of love is not for everyone associated with a sunny morning or the pleasure of your favorite food.

When discussing everyday situations that do not elicit reciprocal love, there was a striking agreement among respondents that such a reaction is natural if you feel excessive control or encroachment on personal freedom on the part of those with whom you interact. For example, if your partner / girlfriend constantly wants to know where you are, or wants you to spend your time only with him / her. In an article accompanying the study, Heshmati suggests that this is a very natural reflection of a modern individualistic culture with a growing emphasis on personal freedom.

AND WHY WE FEEL IT DIFFERENTLY

Another interesting aspect that researchers have found is that certain groups (based on gender, age, etc.) have different opinions about the feeling that arises. For example, men, unlike women, show a lot of disagreement in defining emotions caused by non-romantic scenarios. Scientists believe that this feature confirms the fact that men are more willing to pay attention to passionate and / or sexual aspects - this is the conclusion of earlier studies. In addition, the results of the survey confirm that women are incomparably more responsive to manifestations of love of a non-romantic nature.

Heshmati and her team formulate the main conclusion of the study as follows: “People feel when they are loved in a variety of situations, and the variability of these situations is much wider than just romantic relationships. And although the realization of love in different people occurs for different reasons, there is an objective cultural consistency in which scenarios evoke warm feelings in the majority of the world's population.

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Smirnova Natasha

How to stop believing in their own happiness — T&P

To solve most problems, a person just needs to realize that there is nothing special about them and that millions live with exactly the same ones, says Mark Manson, blogger and author of The Huffington Post. Alpina Publisher has translated into Russian his book The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck: A Paradoxical Way to Live Happily, where he explains how to stop envying every other person in the friend tape, get rid of high expectations and understand what is really important and what is not worth attention.

The subtle art of not giving a damn

"The subtle art of not giving a damn: a paradoxical way to live happily"

When most people hear about the art of not giving a damn, they imagine a person who, in his calm serenity, does not care about any of life's storms. They imagine a subject that you can’t get through and stir with anything.

But do you know what a person is called who does not show emotions and sees no point in anything? Psychopath. I don't think you have the slightest desire to become a psychopath.

So what does it mean to be able to give a damn? Consider three "subtleties" that will clarify the situation.

Subtlety #1: Being able to give a damn does not mean indifference; it is the ability to remain different

Let's say without equivocations. There is nothing admirable or worthy in indifference. Indifferent people are wretchedly inadequate. These are sofa vegetables and Internet trolls. Indifferent people often only pretend to be indifferent, because deep down they don't give a damn about .

They don't give a damn what people think about their hair, so they don't wash or comb it. They don't give a damn what people think of their ideas, so they hide behind sarcasm and arrogant jokes. They are afraid that someone will come close to them, so they imagine themselves to be special, fragile creatures whose problems no one can understand.

Indifferent people fear the world and the consequences of their own choices. That's why they don't make even the slightest meaningful choice. They hide in a gray and soulless hole that they have dug for themselves, consumed by themselves and self-pity. And they always run away from this annoying thing that takes time and effort and is called life.

For do you know what the trick is? By and large, I don't care - it's impossible. You must have something you care about . This is a physiological need: to always worry about something, to be indifferent.

So the question is: what do we care? What choice will we make? And how to give a damn about what is ultimately unimportant?

Recently my mother was tricked into getting money by her close friend. If I were indifferent, I would shrug my shoulders, take a sip of a mocha and download another season of The Wire. I'm sorry mom.

And I was outraged. I was furious. I said: “Damn it, mom! We go to a lawyer and look for a way to take this bastard by the throat. Why? Yes, because I don't give a damn. I will destroy the bastard's life if necessary."

So subtlety number one. When we say “Mark Manson can give a damn and score”, we don’t mean that “Mark Manson doesn’t give a damn.” We mean something else: he doesn’t give a damn that troubles await him on the way to his goals, or that someone is annoyed by actions that he considers right, important and worthy. We mean: Mark Manson is one of those people who will write about themselves in the third person just because they think it's right. And he doesn't care about someone else's opinion.

That's something to admire. Yes, not by me, cudgel: overcoming difficulties, willingness to be yourself, to be an outcast and a pariah in the name of your values. A willingness to face failure and give them the middle finger. Admire people who spit on difficulties and failures, are not afraid to get into an awkward position, are not afraid to get along several times. People who laugh and do what they believe. They do it because they think it's right. Such people know that there are things more important than themselves, and their feelings, and their pride, and their egos. They don't give a damn about everything, but about everything secondary. They save their nerves for the truly important. For friends. Families. Goals. Burrito. One or two lawsuits. But, since they save their nerves only for big and significant things, others will spit on them.

And here's another trick. You will not be able to play an important and key role for some people without becoming a laughingstock and a hindrance to others. It just won't work. Because there is always resistance. Always. As they say, wherever you go, there is only one end. This applies to both hardships and failures. Wherever you go, a huge pile of shit is waiting for you. And this is the norm. And the task is not to run away from shit. It's about finding shit that you enjoy dealing with.

Subtlety No. 2: in order not to worry about adversity, you need to worry about more important things

Let's say you're standing in line at a grocery store. In front of you, an old woman is making noise at the cashier who did not accept her 30 cent coupon. And why is she so worried? After all, it's only 30 cents.

I'll tell you why. This woman has nothing else to do but stay at home and cut out coupons. She is old and lonely. Her kids are motherfuckers who never visit her. She had not had sex for thirty years. She cannot pass gases without experiencing severe pain in her lower back. And her pension is tiny, and she will die in diapers, imagining herself in a fairyland.

It remains to cut out the coupons. There is nothing more. Just her and the damn coupons. She doesn't worry about anything anymore because she has nothing to worry about anymore. And when a pimply seventeen-year-old cashier refuses to take a coupon and defends the inviolability of his cash register with the courage with which the former knights defended the virginity of their beloved, the granny cannot help but explode. Eighty years of hassle fall on the unfortunate like a fiery flurry: "But in my time ...", "... people showed more respect." And further in the same spirit.

The trouble with people who are as generous with anxiety as a summer day on a popsicle is that they have nothing else to do.

But if you worry about the little things — your ex-boyfriend's new Facebook picture, the battery life of your TV remote, and buying two hand gels for the price of one — there's no room in life to worry about the big things. And this is a real problem. Not hand gel. And not a TV remote control.

I heard an artist say that when a person has no problems, his mind invents them. In my opinion, the majority - especially the educated, sleek middle class white people - consider "life problems" to be the usual consequences of not having more important things to worry about.

This means that finding something important and meaningful in life is the most productive way to use time and effort. For if you do not find such a meaningful occupation, you will fray your nerves for empty and light reasons.

Subtlety #3: Whether you realize it or not, it's up to you what to worry about

The ability to spit is not innate. We are born with the opposite quality. Have you seen how a child cries heart-rendingly when he has a panama hat of the wrong shade of blue? That's it! Well, him, the baby, in fig.

When we are young everything is new and exciting and everything seems important. Here we are freaking out at every step. We get on our nerves about everything and everyone: what people say about us, whether this cool guy / cool girl will call us, whether we will be able to match the second sock in a pair, and what color the birthday balloon will be.

Then we get older and more experienced. We notice that a lot of time has gone to waste, and most of these things have not had a lasting effect on our destiny. The people whose opinion we valued have disappeared from our lives. The love failures that hurt turned out to be for the best. We also realize how little attention people pay to the minor details of our lives. And we decide not to freak out about these things.

In essence, we become selective about what to worry about. This is called maturity. By the way, try: useful quality. It occurs when you learn to worry only about things that deserve it. […]

As we get even older and reach middle age, something else starts to change. Decreased energy supply. Our identity is being strengthened. We know who we are and accept ourselves with all our strengths and weaknesses. And oddly enough, it's liberating. You no longer have to worry about everything. Life is what it is. We accept her with all her warts. We realize that we will never cure cancer, fly to the moon and touch Jennifer Aniston's boobs. Well, okay. Life goes on. But we don't give a damn about the more important parts of our lives: family, best friends, and golf swing. And to our amazement, is enough for . Everything becomes easier, and this brings enduring satisfaction. […]

The Misadventures of Frustration Panda

If I could invent a superhero, I would invent Frustration Panda. He would wear a funny mask around his eyes and a tank top (with a big T) too small for his big belly. And his superpower would be that he would tell people the harsh truth about them - necessary, but undesirable.

He would go door to door like a Bible runner, calling the tenants and saying mean things, like, "More profits will make you feel better, but the kids won't love you for it. " Or, "If you're asking yourself if you trust your wife, you probably don't." Or: "What you call friendship is just a constant attempt to impress others." Then he would wish the tenant a good day and slowly go to the next house.

That would be amazing. And hard. And sad. And life-affirming. And necessary. In the end, listening to the greatest truths is the most unpleasant thing.

Nobody wants to meet such a Panda. But most of us need it. His words would be like fresh vegetables against the background of the mental canned food that we consume. It would spoil our mood, but it would make life better. He would make us stronger, striking in the very heart, and would illuminate the future with light, showing the darkness. Listening to it is like watching a movie in which the hero dies at the end: it's hard for you, but you understand how realistic everything is and you can't tear yourself away.

If so, let me put on the Disillusionment Panda mask and give you some bad news. […]

You are not unique

[…] The deeper the pain, the more defenseless we feel in our problems and the more we free our hands in an attempt to compensate for the problems. This setup works in one of two ways:

I'm great and everyone else is ugly, so I deserve special treatment.

I'm ugly and the rest are wonderful, so I deserve special treatment.

Seemingly opposite things, but the egoistic filling is the same. People who consider themselves special often oscillate between both extremes. Either they are at the top of the world, or they are at its bottom: depending on the day of the week and the effectiveness of self-deception. […]

However, there are no unique problems at all! With problems like yours, millions of people lived in the past, live now and will live in the future. It is very possible that there are such people among your acquaintances. It doesn't make things worse or mean you shouldn't get hurt. This does not mean that in some circumstances you needlessly consider yourself a victim.

This means one thing: you are not unique.

Often the realization of just this fact - that there is nothing special about the seriousness and painfulness of your problems - becomes the first and most important step towards solving them.

For some reason, more and more people, especially young people, forget about it. Many professors and teachers note the lack of emotional stability and an excess of selfish demands among today's youth. Often books are removed from the school curriculum just because they annoy someone. […] Psychologists state: more than ever, many students experience extreme emotional stress due to the most common school problems - a quarrel with a classmate, a bad mark in a lesson.

It is strange that in the era of universal communication, the feeling of one's own uniqueness reached its maximum. Something about modern technology allows our complexes to roam like never before. The more freedom of expression we are given, the more we want to be free from the need to deal with people who disagree with us or upset us. The more often we encounter opposing points of view, the more unhappy that these points of view exist. The easier and more free of problems our life becomes, the more unique we consider the remaining problems.

Without a doubt, the Internet and social networks are a real miracle. In many ways, our time is the best in history. But, socially, these technologies may also have an undesirable side effect. The technologies that have brought freedom and knowledge to so many have given many a sense of uniqueness that their ancestors did not know.

The tyranny of exclusivity

Most of us are mediocre in most things. Even if we are aces in something, in the rest we are probably average, or even worse. That's how life works. To achieve mastery in anything, you need to spend a lot of time and effort. And since our time and energy are limited, almost no one achieves true mastery in several things at once (if they achieve at least something).

It is statistically inconceivable that the same person would achieve amazing success in all (or even many) areas of life. Successful businessmen often do not know how to build a family life. Famous athletes are all too empty and dumb, like a cork after a lobotomy. Many celebrities know no better how to live than dupes who look at them open-mouthed and imitate every sneeze of a great man.

We are all average in most respects. The extremes just resonate. This is not news to us, but we rarely think and/or talk about it. And we never discuss why this might be a problem.

Of course, it's great to have the internet, Google, Facebook, YouTube, and access to over 500 TV channels. But our attention is limited. We do not have the ability to process the avalanche of information that constantly rolls over us. Therefore, only drops of information seriously reach our consciousness: things are truly unusual, extremely rare.

However, every day we are bombarded with tons of news about unusual things. About the best of the best. About the worst of the worst. About the greatest sports records. About the funniest jokes. About the most terrible catastrophes. About the most terrible threats. And so without end.

The chest opens easily. The highs and lows of the human experience curve are all around us because they are what grab our attention. And they bring dollars to the media business. But the vast majority of people live in a monotonous middle. The vast majority of 's life is not extraordinary, but quite ordinary.

The flood of extremes makes us believe that exclusivity is the norm. And since usually nothing special happens to us, an avalanche of reports about the exceptional brings melancholy, despair: why are we sitting in a swamp? From this arises an ever greater need for compensation, which promises us a sense of our own exclusiveness or some kind of predilection. We try to cope in the ways that are available: by glorifying ourselves or others.

Some will invent get-rich-quick schemes. Others go to the opposite end of the planet to save starving babies. Still others go all out in their studies and get every conceivable award. Fourth shell the school. Fifths try to have sex with everything that speaks and breathes.

It all has to do with the same culture of uniqueness that I was talking about. People born in the late 20th century are often blamed for this cultural shift. But this generation is simply the most visible and in the spotlight. And the pull to feel unique is felt by people of all generations. […]

The constant stream of media bullshit fuels our sense of insecurity: see how substandard you are? Not only do we feel like we're in the middle of unsolvable problems, we're also losers, as a basic Google search turns up thousands of people who don't have these problems at all.

Technology has solved old economic problems by bringing us new psychological problems. On the Internet, we find not only easy access to information, but also easy access to insecurity, shame, and self-doubt.

"But if I'm not special and amazing, what's the point?"

Our culture assumes that we are all called to something truly extraordinary. That's what celebrities say. That's what the oligarchs say. That's what the politicians say. […] Absolutely everyone can be outstanding. We all deserve greatness .

What most people overlook, however, is that there is an internal contradiction in this thesis: if everyone is outstanding, then by definition no one will not be outstanding. Instead of thinking about what we really deserve or don't deserve, we obediently eat this lie and ask for more.

"Average" is the classic definition of a loser. There is nothing worse than being in the middle, in the middle of the curve. When success is measured by "unusualness", it's better to be at the very bottom than in the middle: in any case, you are unusual and worthy of attention. Many people do just that: prove to everyone that they are the most miserable, or the most oppressed, or the most victimized.

Many people are afraid to be average, because if they put up with such a situation, they will never achieve anything, they will not break out into the people. Their lives won't mean anything.

Such a mentality is dangerous. As soon as you agree that only a truly great and outstanding life can be called worthwhile, you will declare the life of most people on Earth (including yours) mediocre and useless. And this does not bode well either for those around you or for yourself.

Those rare people who achieve great success in anything do not owe their success to belief in their own exceptionalism. The roots of their victories lie elsewhere: they had a fad about improvement. But think about it: why they wanted to do better? Yes, because they were aware that so far they are not doing very well. This attitude is diametrically opposed to faith in one's own greatness. Success can come only when a person understands that he is far from greatness, the results are modest and mediocre. And there is room to grow.

And the talk about "everyone can become exceptional and achieve greatness" is just teasing the ego. It sounds good, but in reality these are just empty calories, the notorious big Mac for the soul and brain: it only makes you fat and swim fat.

For emotional health, as well as for physical health, you need to eat vegetables and fruits: in other words, to accept the simple and unpretentious truths of life. For example: "Your actions play a not so big role in the general course of things." Or: “Most of your life will be boring and unremarkable. And that's okay." At first, such plant foods will seem rough. And even tasteless. You will be drawn to the Big Mac again.

But as soon as you digest the truth, your body will be filled with life and strength. In the end, a stone will fall off your shoulders: the constant need to be amazing and outstanding disappears. The stress and anxiety caused by complexes and the need to portray something of oneself are dissipated. Knowing and accepting your humble existence will free you to do the things you really want to do—without fear or high expectations.

You will discover the simple pleasures of life: friendship, creativity, helping someone in need, reading a good book, the opportunity to laugh with a nice person.

Sounds boring? Yes, these things are the most common. But perhaps they are not by chance the most common, but because they are truly important . […]

It is extremely difficult to learn to ask yourself critical questions, to doubt your thoughts and beliefs. However, it is real. Here are some questions to help you cultivate insecurity.

Question #1: What if I'm wrong?

One of my friends is going to get married. She was proposed by a serious man. He doesn't drink. Doesn't hit or offend her. He is friendly and has a good job.

However, after the engagement, her brother buzzed her ears about an immature life choice: that she would cry with this person, and make a big mistake, and generally behave irresponsibly. She asked her brother: “What about you? Why does it bother you so much?" He invariably answers: “Yes, nothing, and certainly nothing personal. Just trying to be helpful, taking care of my little sister.”

But something bothers him . Maybe complexes about marriage got out. Maybe he senses a rival in her fiancé. Maybe jealous. Or maybe he is so used to considering himself a victim that he is unable to take care of the happiness of his neighbor without trying to make him unhappy.

As a rule, we do not see ourselves from the outside. We are often the last to notice that we are angry, jealous, or upset. And there is only one way to remove the blinders from your eyes: to get rid of the iron armor of confidence, to constantly doubt your own motives.

“Am I jealous? And if so, why?"

"Am I angry?"

"What if she's right and I'm just defending my ego?"

Such questions should become a mental habit. In many cases, their very occurrence makes us more humble and compassionate, which is necessary to solve many problems.

Let's make a caveat: the mere fact that you doubt your rightness does not necessarily mean you are wrong. If your husband beat you up because the roast burned on the stove, and you ask yourself if you are not offended by him in vain, it is very possible that he really treated you badly. After all, the point is not to hate yourself, but to ask a question and look at the situation critically.

It should be remembered that in order for changes to occur in your life, you must find errors in yourself . If you feel miserable all day long, this means that you have already seriously confused in something. And until you figure out where the error occurred, nothing will change.

Question No. 2: "What would it mean if I was wrong?"

Many are able to ask themselves if they are not mistaken. Significantly fewer people are able to take the next step and comprehend, that means they are wrong. After all, the potential meaning can be very painful. Not only are our values under threat, but we also need to think about how a radically different value looks and feels.

Aristotle wrote: "An educated mind knows how to consider a thought without agreeing with it." Learning and evaluating values, without necessarily accepting them, is perhaps the main skill that is necessary for positive change in one's own life.

Let us recall the case of my friend's brother. He should have asked himself, "Let's say I'm wrong about my sister's marriage. What does this mean?" Often the answer to questions like this is obvious: "I'm a selfish/notorious/narcissistic asshole." If he is wrong and his sister is lucky - and she will have a healthy and happy marriage, then his behavior can only be explained through complexes and cretin values. He believes that he knows better than his sister how to live, and she is not able to make important life decisions. He believes that he has the right and responsibility to decide for her. He is sure that he is right and the others are wrong.

But even after exposing this behavior - in my friend's brother or in myself - it is difficult to admit it. It's painful. And who wants to ask themselves difficult questions. However, without such "probing" questions, one cannot get to the problems that motivate his / our crazy actions.

Question #3: Will admitting I was wrong cause more or less problems for me and other people than now?

This is a litmus test. This way you can find out whether we have strong values or whether we are complete neurotics without a king in our heads, who are thrown one way or the other.

Need to find out which problem is better. After all, as the Panda of Disappointment said, life's problems are inexhaustible.

Take my friend's brother. What opportunities does he have?

A. As before, aggravate the situation in the family, poison people's lives, undermine the sister's trust and self-respect - because of only one vague guess (someone will call it intuition) that the chosen life partner is not suitable for her.

B. To doubt one's own ability to think for one's sister, to be more humble and to trust her ability to make decisions and in any case live with the consequences of your love and respect for her.

Most people will choose A. It's understandable: it's the easiest way. You don’t need to think, you don’t need to delve into anything, you don’t need to be tolerant of other people’s and unpleasant decisions.

But in the end, all the participants in the situation are unhappy.

Option B creates a healthy and happy relationship based on trust and respect. It inclines towards modesty and recognition of one's ignorance. It allows people to overcome their complexes and see where they are acting impulsively, unfairly and selfishly.

However, option B is difficult and painful. Therefore, few choose it.

Resenting his sister's engagement, the brother began an imaginary battle with himself. Of course, he considered himself a knight. But all this is pure nonsense: it is based on extravagant values and criteria.
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