Letting go of old friendships
How to Let Go of a Friend
Unlike when romance is over, when a friendship ends, your formal status doesn’t change. So how do you close the chapter?
Maintaining good friendships is a crucial form of self-care, providing comfort and encouragement that can boost your mental well-being.
But for friendships to improve your life, they have to be good.
According to a 2021 study, good friends do the following:
- encourage healthy habits
- share information, support, and companionship
- show solidarity — they have each other’s backs
Does a friendship no longer tick these boxes? If that’s the case, you’re not alone. Research in 2019 suggests that in contrast to the ideal, friendships seldom last forever. They naturally wax and wane. Sometimes, they dissolve.
If a friendship is no longer serving you, you might need to gently close this chapter of your story.
How to end a friendship
Can you lovingly end a friendship? First, it may help to consider that “love” and “friendship breakups” really can coexist.
Next, you might try giving yourself permission to:
- understand it’s OK and even natural for friendships to end
- release sadness, anger, or lack of “closure” over lost companionship
- pursue new projects and friends
But how do you know when the meter has run out on your relationship? How do you know it’s actually time to let go?
You’ve grown apart
Maybe your politics have diverged. Or your interests. Or one of you has entered a different life stage that the other is finding difficult to be present in — for instance, having kids while your friend is single.
If it has become challenging to spend time together, it’s possible you’re moving away from each other naturally.
Lack of equity
This might show up as giving time, energy, and empathy without getting much back. Or maybe your friend wants more closeness and you want less.
An imbalanced friendship may leave you both feeling frustrated.
You feel distrustful
Perhaps you’ve found out your friend has gossiped about things you’ve shared in confidence.
Or they want you to keep secrets that put you in a compromising position with others you care about, or they’re even engaged in illegal activity.
It may no longer feel safe for you to confide or be their confidante.
The friendship has grown toxic
Some relationships do not just fade, but go so far as to become unhealthy.
One 2021 study notes that some signs a friendship has grown toxic include:
- you feel anxiety prior to meeting up with your friend
- your friend encourages unwanted or unhealthy habits
- your friend acts in ways that hurt your self-esteem, like mocking you
Try not to take it personally
No matter who initiates the breakup, it may help to remind yourself that many friendships end. No one has to be to blame.
Allow yourself time to grieve
When any friendship ends, it’s common to mourn the loss. If you feel like grieving, you may want to try some ways to safely release your emotions:
- journaling
- exercising
- having a movie marathon
Consider giving yourself permission to acknowledge what you’re missing by:
- visiting places you used to go with your friend
- listening to songs that remind you of them
- looking at old photos of the two of you
In the interest of privacy, it may be best to vent alone or with a trusted counselor, rather than to another friend.
It might not be what you envisioned, but you can create some kind of closure
Closure gives many folks clarity to move on — but that does not mean having the last word, or them admitting they did or didn’t do something.
Paths to consider if you want closure with your friend
- Drifting away (or slow closure). Part of setting boundaries for yourself and with others involves learning you don’t have to say yes to everything. You don’t have to answer calls and texts right away, and you don’t have to initiate contact.
- Face-to-face conversation. When trying this method, you might focus on your own sentiments. “I feel like we’re moving in different directions.”
- Definitive break. If it does not feel like you can have a respectful conversation, you may need to step back and observe your own boundaries.
Steps to consider if you want closure within yourself
- Write a goodbye letter for your eyes only, including the good, bad, and in-between.
- Memorialize your friend breakup by lighting a candle or burning incense.
- Figure out what you would say if you ran into your friend again, or you’re asked about them. Will you be breezy? Vague? Professional?
You can concentrate on something new
If your former friendship caused you to put aside things you love, consider:
- developing new interests through meetups
- improving skills by taking classes
- cultivating new friendships
- reconnecting with your values
As you move on, you might find it encouraging to give yourself credit for efforts, rather than only for results.
It’s possible to love them from afar
Letting go does not necessarily mean forgetting your friend or holding grudges. You might even consider wishing them well.
They may have some qualities you want in new friendships. Or they may have taught you what you do not want, which might also serve your growth.
Many friendships dissolve naturally over time, as you grow up and grow apart.
Sometimes, letting go of a friend who is no longer a good fit for you can actually improve your quality of life.
If you’re looking to get your needs met and nurture a friendship so it lasts, you might check out these questions on developing intimacy among friends.
The Upside to Letting Go of Friends in Adulthood
Think back to the good old days. Making friends as a child was probably less stressful for you than finding and maintaining them as an adult. In childhood, it was simple. Parents scheduled playdates; we took classes together or participated in the same after-school activities that allowed us to see each other all the time. Half the time, if a kid said "hi" to you, you were instant best friends.
Adulthood is a different story.
Now that we have responsibilities, jobs and Twitter accounts to maintain, friendships can end up taking a back seat. As a result, we put less effort into those relationships than we should. It’s easy to forget how much work and dedication friendships require until you begin to feel that disconnect.
Commitment and communication are essential to holding those you love close, even when you're not in a romantic relationship with them.
Letting go is okay
Not all of your relationships will stand the test of time. Growing up can mean growing apart. It can be hard to get past growing pains in a relationship. You might get interested in different things, be too busy to meet up or simply lose touch.
Growing apart might not be obvious at first. It can start with cancelling plans because something else came up or because you simply don’t want to go. You might stop paying attention to their texts or start ignoring their phone calls, making a mental note to call back but never doing it.
If your friends end up drifting away or ghosting on you, don't put all the responsibility on yourself.
Through social media we are constantly connected to one another. Unless your friend is off the grid, it’s very difficult to go throughout a day not knowing what new recipe they’re attempting or the number of selfies they've taken at the beach.
Based on what they share online, it’s very easy to turn a “like” or “comment” into a full-blown conversation.
Phones work both ways. Holding onto something that clearly isn’t working will only cause you more discomfort and pain than accepting that this is where your path together might end.
Are your old friendships still healthy?
Sometimes the signs that it’s time to end a relationship are less obvious. Maybe you’ve been friends with this person since grade school and you’ve gotten used to them being there for you. You don’t notice, or you forgive, changes to the way they treat you because they’ve stuck with you for this long.
If that sounds familiar, it’s time to take a long, hard look at yourself and your relationship with this friend. Constant negativity has no place in a friendship, especially if you consider them a close friend.
Shasta Nelson, founder of GirlFriendCircles.com and author of "Frientimacy: How to Deepen Friendships for Lifelong Health and Happiness," has a simple working definition of friendship she wrote about for the Huffington Post:
“A friendship is a mutual relationship between two people that is satisfying, safe, and where both people feel seen.
”
In her eyes, if that doesn’t define your friendship, it's not a healthy relationship, and it might be time to let it go.
Appreciate what was and what you gained from that relationship. You probably grew as a person and experienced milestones with that friend. Remember the memories fondly. Think of this as a learning experience that can help you understand what you want and deserve from relationships in your life.
Bouncing back from a friendship loss
Seth Myers, psychologist and author of "Dr. Seth's Love Prescription: Overcome Relationship Repetition Syndrome and Find the Love You Deserve," points out in Psychology Today that “acceptance is the key to recovery from loss.” Friendships can be fleeting and may not fit us as we grow older. Realize that you are free to make your own choices and live your life—with or without the friends who started the journey with you.
Give yourself permission to move on and accept your choices. Letting go of old friendships that have run their course means you have a new chance to decide who you want to surround yourself with moving forward.
But don’t forget to be your own best friend along the way.
How to break up with a friend if friendship has become a burden - www.ellegirl.ru
Love
You were like Betty and Veronica and were ready to resist any obstacles together and conquer the whole world. And suddenly... Something went wrong. You seem to be still friends, but you no longer feel the former kinship of souls. Or for you, she is still like a sister, but you seem to become a burden for her.
How to part with a person who meant so much to you? Here are some tips to help you get through the breakup with your girlfriend.
Understand that it's time to leave.
If you feel the meaninglessness of meeting with a girlfriend or it's hard for you to communicate with her lately, this is the time. In any relationship, this happens, but if it becomes the norm, it is worth considering. Is it cool to feel empty and unnecessary with a loved one? Or understand that being yourself is already becoming an unaffordable luxury? Maybe it's time for you to leave.
Set boundaries
Don't you want to end your friendship like that? Do you just want to change something, but not stop being friends? We understand you need to take a time out. In this case, it is best to set new boundaries. And for this you have to talk to your girlfriend face to face. Explain to her that your friendship is very important to you, and together try to find a compromise that suits both of you.
Let her disappear
You must understand that any friendship is not necessarily for life. People change, they have new interests - and this is absolutely natural. Over time, what united you before may disappear. In this case, you do not need to artificially prolong the life of your relationship - let them fade away.
Be frank
This is just as important as in a relationship with a guy. You always have to be honest. And if you understand that nothing is holding you together anymore and friendship is on its last legs, be frank in this as well.
No need to beat around the bush. If you find it difficult to talk about it in person, write a letter. Not a message in a messenger or on a social network, but a letter! Tell a friend how you feel.
Important: Never indulge in accusations and insults. Your relationship depends on the two of you, and so does its ending. So be polite and as positive as possible in your message.
Explain the reason
It is very important to let the person know what is wrong with him or you. Important, because no one wants to repeat their mistakes twice if they were. In addition, such a heart-to-heart conversation can save your friendship. Especially if it happened in person.
Don't be a ghost
We know, just not noticing your girlfriend is the easiest way to stop talking. But she will definitely feel it, and she will feel uncomfortable. And you, by the way, will probably not be very comfortable either.
Try to be positive
It doesn't matter which of you made the decision to end the friendship, it shouldn't be a tragedy.
Yes, losing a friend is sad. And you may feel very bad. But you have to hug and move on. Just separate from each other.
Accept the situation
You never know for sure what is going on in a person's soul. You can puzzle as much as you like about why he acts one way or another, but changing the actions of others is almost impossible. Sometimes it's better to just accept the situation and not take it personally. Better take care of yourself and your development, do not dwell on what happened.
Find a new girlfriend
There are so many cool and interesting people in the world. And among them there is definitely your cool person! If such people already surround you, give them your love and attention. They deserve it, and you deserve to have friends who know and love the real you.
And if such cool people or one “your” person has not yet been found, this is still no reason to be upset and despair. You will definitely find it! At school, university, or even in line at a cafe.
But you will definitely find it.
Think of friendship
The one that ended. Write about her in your diary. Think about what you could change, what step to take. Think about what this friendship was like and what good it gave you. Analysis is a great way to turn experience into the engine of your progress.
Elizaveta Glagoleva
Tags
- Friendship
- Women's friendship
- Psychology
- Postery
How to finish friendship: Psychologist tips
When we talk about parting, we often think about romantic relations. We think for a long time, scroll through the scenarios, prepare a speech to smooth out the corners. But not everyone consciously parted ways with friends. Together with a psychologist, we will tell you why you need to end a friendship out loud and how to do it carefully for everyone.
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Kristina Prokofieva
REPT-therapist, CPT-therapist, graduated from Moscow State University, Higher School of Psychology, 6 years of experience
Why it is necessary to part with a friend properly
You can often hear from people that friendship has come to naught by itself. Or ended in mutual disregard. This is due to the fact that there are fewer mutual obligations with friends than with a romantic partner. Silent withdrawal does not seem so traumatic. Plus, it is easier for friends to maintain personal boundaries, integrity and autonomy, and the end of a relationship is not always perceived as a strong loss.
How we say goodbye defines us in many ways. If a person does not know how to pronounce the difficulties in a relationship and put an end to them, he does not know how to build boundaries.
He repeats the same scenarios and mistakes in relationships because he does not reflect on the completion of the previous ones. He moves away and shifts the responsibility for the breakup to another.
Talking to a friend about the end of a relationship means taking responsibility and realizing the problems so as not to repeat them in the future. It is not easy to make such a decision. But ending non-resource relationships is okay. It is about taking care of yourself and the other person.
Signs that it is time to end the friendship
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The relationship with a friend has become toxic. After the meeting, you get upset, angry. A friend does not miss the opportunity to tease, does not understand that you need to stop, and you are uncomfortable. Or devalues your achievements.
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You understand that the paths diverge. For example, it is not possible to find time to meet. It becomes more difficult for you to communicate because of different views. In communication, you feel tension, because there are fewer and fewer common topics. This is also a normal reason to leave. It is not necessary to torment each other, if only to preserve the old friendship.
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A friend has become annoying. Here you need to be more careful. Sometimes what infuriates others is a signal that the same quality is in you and you do not accept it. For example, if it annoys you that a friend talks a lot about himself, it could mean that you do too. But for some reason you struggle with it. Afraid to impose, seem boring or whiny. Sometimes irritability towards a friend is an opportunity to look inside ourselves and understand what we forbid ourselves to be.
But sometimes irritability arises because you have stopped loving the person. This can happen for various reasons: you have outgrown a friend, you feel a difference in interests, values, lifestyle. Like love for a partner, love for a friend may not last forever. And that's okay. In this case, it is worth discussing your feelings honestly and ending the relationship.
How to end a friendship
What should the environment be like?
No one-size-fits-all solution. It is important that the environment is comfortable, whether it is a house, a coffee shop or a park. When choosing a place, be guided by the fact that you should not be embarrassed to express feelings there. The conversation can be difficult.
It's not so important where you do it, it's more important how. A lot of people demonize breaking up over the phone as if you don't respect the person that way.
But it's up to you to decide what's best. If you know that a friend still wants to discuss a difficult issue in person, set up an offline meeting. But if you understand that the other person would rather hear bad news on the phone, take care of him and discuss everything online.
Listen to yourself at this moment - what would be the best way for you to discuss this? You can discuss your desires with a friend in order to agree and choose the format.
What to say?
For example: “I want to share an important thought and I'm ready to hear your opinion in return. I feel like our friendship doesn't work anymore. Recently, I feel that we have moved away, we have begun to conflict more often, we have begun to criticize each other. Despite all this, I thought for a long time whether we can fix this. It seems to me that no. And I do not want to.
I think that we should see each other less often and honestly accept what happened to friendship. Please understand this."
It is important to share your feelings, thoughts, be honest and open as a sign of respect for the relationship. If a friend gets upset, don't blame yourself. You don't have to put the feelings of others before your own. Just repeat that you no longer want to be close friends. It's enough. Emotions will run high during a conversation, so it's important to stay as consistent as possible.
What's next?
The conversation can be difficult and not end on the most pleasant note. But it symbolizes a healthy attitude towards oneself. You heard your negative feelings and ended the relationship. The gap suggests that you did not go into defense, ignore, but honestly shared what seems more correct and safe for you.
After the conversation, it is not necessary to avoid meetings in a common company, because you have already built your boundaries and random encounters will not change the decision.
