Is my husband emotionally abusive

What is emotional abuse? | The National Domestic Violence Hotline

“I don’t want you going out with them. I trust you; I just don’t trust them.”

“You know you can’t get anyone better than me. You are lucky to be with me.”

“Are you sure you want to eat that? I’m just attracted to someone who takes care of themselves.”

“You’re so dumb. I knew this would be over your head.”

Do any of these sentences sound familiar? If so, you might be in an emotionally abusive relationship.

Many people hear the word “abuse” and think of physical violence. Physical abuse is one type of abuse, but it is certainly not the only one.

According to  The Hotline’s 2020 Data, 95% of contacts stated they were experiencing emotional abuse. Emotional abuse may not be what most people think about when they picture abuse, but that does not make it any less real or less serious. Because of its subtleties, emotional abuse can be quite difficult to detect when it is being experienced. Emotional abuse is also a foundation for other forms of abuse. Often, it is used erode a person’s self-esteem and self-worth and create a psychological dependency on the abusive partner. Let’s look at what emotional abuse is and how to know if emotional abuse is present in your relationship.

Emotional abuse includes non-physical behaviors that are meant to control, isolate, or frighten you. This may present in romantic relationships as threats, insults, constant monitoring, excessive jealousy, manipulation, humiliation, intimidation, dismissiveness, among others. Sometimes emotional abuse is more obvious, like a partner yelling at you or calling you names. Other times it can be more subtle, like your partner acting jealous of your friends or not wanting you to hang out with someone of another gender. While these emotionally abusive behaviors do not leave physical marks, they do hurt, disempower, and traumatize the partner who is experiencing the abuse.

Over time, emotional abuse can wear down a person’s self-worth, confidence, and their mental and emotional strength.

It’s difficult to feel sure of yourself when a partner is demeaning, dismissing, and second-guessing you constantly. Additionally, when you care about someone and have invested time in the relationship with them, you want to believe the best of them, and you may convince yourself that you were overreacting in how you interpreted their hurtful actions or words. An emotionally abusive partner may try to gaslight you by telling you outright that you are overreacting, being dramatic, being too emotional, or that you can’t take a joke.

For these reasons and more, it can be tough to detect emotional abuse and see it as a dangerous concern. Even then, survivors of emotional abuse are often hesitant to seek help or tell friends and family about their relationship concerns because they fear they will not be believed or taken seriously. Nonetheless, emotional abuse is serious, and it is not uncommon for emotional abuse to escalate to physical violence. In some relationships this escalation to physical abuse is slow, and in others it can happen rapidly.

So how do you know if you are in an emotionally abusive relationship?

Here are some red flags:
  • Your partner name calls you or demeans you.
  • Your partner tries to control you, your time, and your actions.
  • Your partner tells you what to do and what to wear.
  • Your partner often makes you feel silly or dumb.
  • Your partner questions your reality and says that things that you know happened didn’t happen. This is called gaslighting.
  • Your partner is critical of your appearance.
  • Your partner is jealous of time spent with your friends or family.
  • Your partner punishes you by withholding attention or affection.
  • Your partner doesn’t want you hanging out with someone of another gender.
  • Your partner makes threats to hurt you or others to get what they want.
  • Your partner wants you to ask for permission before doing something or spending time with other people.
  • Your partner monitors where you go and stalks your whereabouts.
  • Your partner doesn’t want you to work.
  • Your partner embarrasses you in public.
  • Your partner does not trust you and acts possessive.
  • Your partner threatens breaking up or divorce to manipulate an argument.
  • Your partner wants access to your phone, your passwords, or your social media.
  • Your partner threatens suicide during arguments.
  • Your partner is constantly accusing you of cheating.
  • Your partner blames you for their unhealthy/abusive behaviors.
  • Your partner makes you feel guilty or immature for not wanting to have sex.
  • Your partner overloads you with compliments and gifts, and then uses that to manipulate you later (love bombing).

If any of these red flags feel familiar to you, know that you do not deserve to be treated that way and that you are not alone. It can be hard to decide what your next step should be, after learning that your relationship is not healthy. You might consider reaching out to a trusted friend or family member to talk about what you have been going through. You can also reach out to our Hotline advocates to talk about next steps and options available to you.

We are here 24/7 via phone, online chat, and text to provide you with education, support, and safety planning. The Hotline is completely free and confidential.

Answers shouldn’t be hard to find.

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Is My Partner Emotionally Abusive? Experts Caution These 13 Signs

Sex & Relationships

What therapists caution to look for.

by Laken Howard and Carolyn Steber


Originally Published: 

PeopleImages/E+/Getty Images

Recognizing the subtle signs your partner is emotionally abusive isn't always easy. Everyone wears rose-colored glasses when they're in love, which can make it difficult to spot ongoing problems. And then there's the gaslighting and other types of manipulation, which can make it even more confusing.

But if you ever catch yourself wondering, "Is my partner emotionally abusive?" consider it your first hint that something isn't quite right — then keep digging. There's often a lot of unfairness and inequality to be found in these types of relationships, Kimberley Hershenson, a New York City-based therapist, tells Bustle, and that's often what sparks the initial sense something's "off."

If your partner is emotionally abusing you, over time you might start to experience lowered self-esteem, anxiety, and even depression, she says, which is why it's important to talk about these things ASAP. Approach your partner and point out what you've noticed, and see if it's possible to establish better boundaries, healthier communication, etc.

Keep in mind, though, that if someone is toxic and manipulative, they often aren't able to change That's why, while leaving a toxic relationship can be difficult, experts recommend doing so as soon as possible, since it isn't likely to get better. Emotional abuse is detrimental to your entire well-being, so if you recognize the signs of abuse listed below, it may be best to move on.


They tell you what to wear

Abusive partners are often seeking control, but many will try to be sneaky about it by disguising it as concern. For example, they might say, "I don't want you to wear that tight dress because other guys will bother you" or "you shouldn't wear that shirt because it doesn't look good."

And yet, whether your partner implicitly or explicitly attempts to make decisions for you — even if it's just something simple, like what you wear — Hershenson says it still counts as emotionally abusive behavior.


They're selfish in bed

In a healthy partnership, sex is all about mutual satisfaction. That doesn't necessarily mean both partners orgasm every single time — it means they're both giving and receiving intimacy and pleasure during sex.

That's why, if your partner is consistently selfish in bed in any way, you should consider it a red flag. "Whether it's guilt-tripping you into having sex when you don't want to, or ignoring your need for pleasure in the bedroom, not meeting your needs sexually is emotionally abusive," Hershenson says.


They blame you for their actions

You might notice that whenever your partner gets angry, they immediately blame you for "making" them act that way, Hershenson says. They might also claim arguments are "always" your fault, and that they wouldn't happen if you didn't act a certain way.

But that isn't the truth. It's emotional abuse.


They make you feel confused

If you're unfamiliar with the term, gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse in which one person twists information or lies in order to make their victim doubt their own memory and sanity.

It's confusing, stressful, and upsetting to deal with. Not to mention, over time "your confidence and self-esteem is eroded and you end up feeling that you can no longer trust your own thoughts, feelings, and perceptions," Rhonda Milrad, LCSW, a therapist and founder of Relationup, tells Bustle.


They compare you to others

If your partner compares you to others — like a coworker, or their ex — take note, especially if you tell them to stop and they keep doing it.

"[In an emotionally abusive relationship] you are constantly being compared to others and end up feeling that you are not good enough and unlovable," Milrad says. "You hear about the great qualities or accomplishments of others and the underlying message (whether subtle or overt) is that you don’t match up."

Like gaslighting, these comments are meant to eat away at your self-esteem, Milrad says, so that you become insecure. And insecure people are much easier to manipulate, which is, of course, their goal.


They say you're "too sensitive"

You should be able to approach your partner to talk about problems, point out things that aren't working in your relationship, and then have constructive conversations about boundaries, rules, etc.

But this will never happen if your boyfriend is emotionally abusive. "When you express your unhappiness about their behavior and try [to] hold them accountable, they tell you that you are too sensitive or overreacting, can’t take a joke, or are too insecure," Milrad says. "They try to justify their bad behavior by making your reaction to it the problem."


They don't let you have alone time

A toxic partner might push you away, but they also might insist you spend all of your time together. And that's not OK either.

It's important to have space in a relationship so you can both recharge and pursue separate interests and hobbies. "What’s key here is that you feel comfortable enough to spend time with this person while also being free to express your boundaries and need for outlets outside of that person," Taccara Martin, a relationship expert and owner of Empowered Couples, tells Bustle.

If they aren't cool with that, for whatever reason, it's a sign of a problem.


They don't let you visit friends

Another tell-tale sign of emotional abuse is if your partner isolates you from close friends and family. They might come up with excuses for why you shouldn't see them and guilt you into complying: "Your best friend isn't supportive of our relationship, so if you love me, you'll stay away from her."

It might not seem that bad at first. "However, once they get you pulled into them a little more, you will notice them coming up with more and more opportunities to get you away from the [people who are] important to you," Martin says.


They always have to be right

People in healthy relationships recognize that it's OK to be wrong from time to time. They'll also apologize, and then look for ways to make amends. But if your partner is emotionally abusive, it'll be clear they only ever want to win.

"In many cases it does not matter if you are having a disagreement, argument, or just talking about something of mutual interest, they have a need to [be] right — every time," Davida Rappaport, a speaker, counselor, and dating expert, tells Bustle.

It's draining, and doesn't contribute to a stable connection.


They don't respect your opinion

Whether you're talking about a song, a movie, or politics, your partner should never look down on you, even if they don't agree. It's considered toxic — and even emotionally abusive — if they constantly trash your ideas, call you "dumb," or brush you off.

"Over time, you may begin to feel inadequate, frustrated, and your confidence and self-esteem will start to drop," Rappaport says. And what's the point of that? Let's say it together: control.


They hold grudges

Take note if your partner holds grudges, guilt trips you for past mistakes, or throws them in your face whenever they get upset.

As Rappaport says, this is considered emotional abuse because it's toxic behavior, it's an attempt to manipulate the conversation, and it doesn't allow for space to grow.

"Being constantly reminded of mistakes or poor choices in the past does not [...] take into consideration that you may have changed," she says.


They make you feel insecure

According to clinical psychologist Dr. Josh Klapow, "if you live in a constant state of uncertainty and the clarity that we all want from a steady relationship is simply absent," it may be emotional abuse.

This is especially true if you've been together a long time, but it still feels like your partner is holding you at arm's length. You can talk to them about it, but eventually you may decide to move on and date someone who is more available.


They're super needy

Emotional abuse can also crop up in the form of ongoing, seemingly unfixable neediness, Klapow says. Your partner might want you to run their life for them, or address their every need. And while that might not seem as negative as the other issues listed above, it's still a form of toxic control.

So don't brush this, or any other red flag, away. "Some couples can survive emotional abuse if and only if it is modified," Klapow says. "However if you ask for change, and your partner can't, won’t, or refuses — then the abuse is not likely to stop."

At that point, you'll want to make the difficult decision to put yourself and your well-being first. Due to gaslighting and manipulation, it's often difficult to leave a toxic or abusive relationship. But the sooner you get out, the sooner you can start to heal.


Kimberley Hershenson, therapist

Rhonda Milrad, LCSW, therapist

Taccara Martin, relationship expert

Davida Rappaport, counselor

Dr. Josh Klapow, clinical psychologist

This article was originally published on

“You make a god out of a man - and he leaves you, another makes a beast - he licks his hands and stays”

Recently, billionaire Sergey Akulchev announced a divorce from his wife Olga after 21 years of marriage. The couple have five children. Associate Professor of the Department of Conflictology of KNRTU-KHTI, psychologist Rimma Fedyaeva, especially for BUSINESS Online, decided to analyze why this phenomenon has become common in the business world, and gives some recommendations to women who have left their beloved husband, father and businessman.


Once Socrates informed the inhabitants of Athens: “I intend to devote the rest of my life to clarifying only one question - why people, knowing how to act, nevertheless act differently and more often to the detriment of themselves and their loved ones.” Since then, two and a half thousand years have passed, the ruins of that city are in the same place, and people are still far from the answer and continue to make mistakes, stupidities, or simply create difficulties for themselves. Personally, unlike Socrates, I am concerned about not one, but many other professional issues at once. For example: what is missing for rich, successful, smart men who have beautiful, kind wives, mothers of their children, to change the latter for new ones? Or why do some people go through invented ideals to a ripe old age for testing, as a result often regretting the years spent on this in vain, and dream of turning back time in order to stay with their first wife? Reader, I’m actually talking about divorces today, which won’t surprise anyone today, won’t scare anyone, but will only create a lot of psychological, everyday difficulties, bring a lot of insults, misunderstandings, but if a family divorces with an experience of family life, then you can’t avoid talking to colleagues, acquaintances, close, future commitments. nine0003

Statistics show that 80% of divorces are initiated by women. The most common reason - 56% - treason. True, you need to understand that a number of reasons precede betrayal: misunderstanding, lack of sex or bad sex, lack of respect for each other, serious domestic problems or, on the contrary, their absence. Yes, when everything is too good, then, unfortunately, divorces also happen. Men start romances (we are not talking about casual and lightweight betrayals, but about deep relationships on the side) often for two reasons: when everything is fine with him in all directions (from a well-fed life and an established business) or when everything is very bad with him ( there is nothing to cherish and there is no point in saving). Further, everything also goes according to the script written by life, although now we are talking about something else. Russia leads the world in the number of divorces. And the official statistics of the last 20 years in Russia is such that a large percentage of divorces occurs in the early period of cohabitation - 1 - 3 years, and also a large percentage falls on those who have a family history of more than 12 - 18 years and are among families with high income (although since 2013 the trend has decreased). Probably, we are talking about divorces of families of businessmen and wealthy officials. Well, divorce in the early stages is clear to us - youth, thoughtlessness, unpreparedness, etc. But about the reasons for the divorce of families with experience ... nine0003

If you ask any philosopher, psychologist or just an experienced person, they will all tell us with one voice that a man aged 30 to 45 already knows everything, can still do everything and wants everything. But if you hear a compliment addressed to you at 50 - 55 years old and above, that “you are in the prime of life”, then know that for Russian men this is a mixture of compliment, consolation, hypocrisy and stupidity, and any doctor, professional, will confirm this. athlete. In 80% of cases after 50 years, we have slowed down nervous reactions, a decrease in muscle contraction and endurance, reduced metabolic processes, sparse hair, poor eyesight, tissue degeneration, and most importantly, a weakening of the functions of many important organs. I know that now you will start to remember Gordie Howe, who played hockey until the age of 50, Joe Frazier, who won the world heavyweight boxing title at almost 40, or remember Goethe or Voltaire, who worked in art at 75 and nine0 years old, or even some kind of sex giant, for example, Charlie Chaplin, who at 52 married 18-year-old Una O'Neill and knew how to entertain a new young wife several times a day at this venerable age. These are exceptions. We are talking about 80% of men and get the following picture: hot and reckless divorces, and also, according to statistics, on the contrary, already experienced, seemingly stable and more often wealthy men are 40-50 years old. Older men, as a rule, do not leave their wife, but start a second family, where they give birth, where they share their vision of the world and material well-being. nine0003

We hear a lot of stories around that he lived with his family for 15 - 20 years and decided to build everything anew with a young woman. After all, there is a successful business, a good wife, adult children, outwardly prosperous life. What is the reason? To condemn such a decision of a man or to welcome? I see that it is impossible to condemn or, on the contrary, support. Everything is not as simple as it might seem. There are many reasons. This is following fashion in a new social society, this is the need for new sexual sensations, this is the desire to assert oneself, this is the belief that the energy of the partner’s youth will give strength and longevity. Or maybe the point is that there is a need to share the accumulated experience and thereby receive approval, gratitude and raise one's own significance in the eyes of a new, young woman and the environment? Or maybe it's all about understanding love and fidelity, honor and dignity, justice and betrayal, love of glory, vanity and the search for the meaning of life. nine0003

I read the following words from one philosopher about the meaning of life: “Under the meaning of life, a man wants to have some positive value in the form of truth.” That is, he wants it to be true, but he also wants this truth to please him. So that the realization of this truth warms him, inspires him, helps him endure difficulties, voluntarily pushing him to material, physical and emotional hardships, etc. By the meaning of life, a man means the truth, which for him has a positive emotional connotation, because the reason and source of the search for the meaning of life lies in the emotional realm. I mean, in my opinion, a man who has achieved a lot - social status, material independence, physical and aesthetic perfection, raised children - really wants all this to be appreciated not by the eyes of a faithful girlfriend called an experienced wife (she knew him differently, supported his weaknesses, helped to cultivate new qualities of character throughout life, helped to go through difficulties), but a completely new young, energetic, cheerful person called a sweet mistress, ready to become his life friend, giving a new positive emotional coloring to him settled and boring life. And most importantly, in this case, the man again feels internally young, strong and omnipotent. Another question is how long the terms are and whether there is a fear that you will have to return to the former. There are statistics for this case too: about 80% of men who have been married for 12 or more years wish to return to their old relationship during the first 15-17 months of a new life. Psychologists even have the term "syndrome of the 17th month. " And many return, however, then they live in a qualitatively new relationship, and for better or worse, it all depends on the woman who decided to accept her man. Therefore, when parting with a man, choose the tactics of patience, it is more promising for family reunification. By the way, sometimes it happens that, upon returning, a man realizes that he no longer needs that ex, but this is also a topic for another conversation. nine0003

Lack of freedom leads to divorce

Let's find out the reasons why businessmen leave their old wives. Let's call them not old, but relatives, because they lived a long time, they checked a lot, children were raised, and the rhythm of the heartbeat was already similar.

First, one of the reasons is simple and understandable: as Edgar Howe used to say, “Undoubtedly, love exists, otherwise why so many divorces?”

Love is a strong overexcitation of the central nervous system. This is when feelings reach irrational strength, when they “carry”, when “the roof moves down”. A state of constant affect. Here it is just right to remember the sage Solomon: “Everything will pass,” was carved on his ring. “This, too, shall pass,” was carved on it from the inside. nine0003

It is hard and difficult for a man to leave an established life, status, established relationships, and then a feeling clouded his head. But the most terrible and most important thing is different: the words and actions of the two women with whom he is communicating at the moment do not categorically coincide, and this is the whole point. In the end, the brain explodes, he no longer needs anything, and he goes to a place where there are no showdowns, interrogations, swearing.

Secondly, a man begins to deepen into relationships because of the lack of freedom that his wife deprived her of her control, suspicions, checks. He married out of youth and stupidity. I didn’t go for a divorce so as not to injure my children, to develop material well-being, but I met my beloved woman and decided. He wants to be free and independent from an experienced and omniscient wife who knows his weaknesses, taught at the institute, attached to family values, even gave birth to children at her own discretion. At the age of 20, this man depended on her, he was still not old enough, even infantile. In wives of the same age, nature itself has the right to judge, choose whether to marry her or not, that is, to give a kind of assessment to a man: you are my strongest, the best, and they need to hear this for the next 10 years, they strive to receive confirmation of this assessment. This is how a woman manages her husband in the first decade after marriage. nine0003

However, the situation changes dramatically after a man passes the mystical age of 33. Having gained experience, material independence, he understands that he has become an adult, he has realized his self. Here, either a change of roles should occur, where the woman will transfer part of the rights to the “grown-up” husband, or he leaves for another. He wants a position in which he has maximum opportunities.

Thirdly, vanity and pride, and I consider this reason to be one of the main reasons for a businessman. When he tries his best to impress and evaluates the external environment, he regulates his own self-esteem and pride. He goes to a beautiful, young and sometimes stupid, to teach himself, pass on knowledge, and amuses his self. By the way, they leave for this reason even when they want to return the period of youth again, because with a new woman, from his point of view, everything starts anew. nine0003

Fourth, the consumer attitude towards a male businessman in the family on the part of his wife, children and her relatives. He works a lot, brings a lot, tries a lot, invests a lot and receives less of the most important thing: appreciation, respect, admiration, gratitude, support. In this case, a man often molts to another, they believe, listen, inspire, inspire, especially at first, he will definitely get it, and then everything depends on the mental coefficient of the new woman and her natural wisdom. nine0003

Fifthly, the age discrepancy between men and women in the peaks of sexual need.

Even Oscar Wilde said: “In order to conquer a man, it is enough for a woman to awaken the worst that is in him. You make God out of a man - and he leaves you, the other makes a beast - and he licks her hands and stays with her.

At the age of 45 - 55 and more, a man can no longer do as much as he would like, and he needs a new emotional-sexual object. A woman at this age can do a lot and wants a lot, but her husband is no longer interested in her, she does not excite, everything is clear with her. Then everything goes according to the written script: he leaves. nine0003

Sixthly, a man grew up in business socially, psychologically, professionally, physically, after all, and his wife stayed at home and created the so-called home front. He was tired of being in the "comfort zone" - everything is clean, thought out, known, calculated and slightly fed up with everything. He knows that the houses will be accepted back in any case, and often leaves. That is, he allows himself any experiments.


There may be different reasons, for example, revenge. In his youth, he forgave his wife for infidelity, and when he achieved inner strength, independence, confidence, he decided to take revenge. Or, for example, excessive male energy, requiring new, pleasant and strong sensations based on the position “I can do anything” or “I am a free independent person and do what I want.”

What to do? Don't know. Everyone decides for himself. A man who has achieved a lot in society knows what duty, devotion, morality are. Of course, he knows that according to the law he can marry as many times as he likes, but morally ... he betrayed. Betrayal is offensive in essence, and if you look from the other side, then the above reasons can be good for a person to start all over again. And the romantics will say that in general they don’t care about all your listed reasons, the main thing is that you met love. Well, they are right. A smart woman will let go and wish you happiness. nine0003

I, in turn, can urge you to remember that when leaving, there are three strategies for behavior for a woman who is left:

  • Aggression - destroy everything, send everyone far away on an erotic journey, inflict pain. In this case, your man will only cross himself and be even more convinced of the decision made - to leave.
  • Cunning and manipulation - return by humiliation, blackmailing children, inventing an imaginary pregnancy, etc. Don't do it! Men are smart, they can't always explain everything, but they feel right. This "concert" will only cause internal rejection in him. Temporarily, maybe he will remain, but you yourself will be disgusted by the humiliation experienced. Yes, and in the eyes of a loved one, you will fall heavily. nine0106
  • Worthy acceptance - an adequate assessment of what is happening, accepting it as it is. Keep respect for the years you have lived together. And most importantly, this strategy of behavior is more promising for the resumption of relations. And even if they do not resume, then in his eyes you will remain a worthy woman. Therefore, while your loved one has made a decision and left you, do not interfere with him, do not throw tantrums, but, having recovered from the first period of emotional shock (usually it lasts 10-12 weeks), start living slowly - work on yourself, read a lot, start a hobby , be keenly interested in the secrets of a sensual love game, do not be greedy with your soul, do not be cunning, do not lie, be inspired by beauty, enjoy the environment, have a scope in your actions. In short, evolve! Seeing yourself as a new one, you may no longer want to return to the old relationship and build your own. nine0106

And don't forget two important facts:

1. His decision to leave the family is not always his choice, sometimes and more often it is part of the responsibility for the departed love and yours.

2. Divorce can also be good, because it can become an impetus for development, new perspectives and fateful meetings.

Good luck!

5 types of people to stay away from

August 13, 2021 Relationship

Sometimes a real sadist can hide behind a beautiful appearance. nine0003

A beautiful appearance, a large family, a prestigious education, a successful career - often this is just a facade, an illusion behind which a cruel person is hiding. It could be a man, a woman, your boss, a colleague, or that nice guy you went on a great date with. Of course, there can be no talk of any friendship or love with them.

1. Critic


The critic condemns everything you do: every move you make and every breath you take. Yes, you are doing everything wrong. Everything and always. nine0003

You need to understand the difference: criticizing is not the same as giving advice.

Behavior Scenario #1

You show up to dinner 15 minutes late with no advance notice. Your other half is visibly angry and instead of asking why you were late or what happened, he begins to pour accusations: “You are always late because you never think about anyone but yourself. I've been sitting here for 15 minutes! And you can never be on time." nine0003

This is the ideal critic. As a rule, such a person criticizes your every movement: “Are you really going to wear this?”, “Why do you never ...?”, “What is wrong with you?”. The list can be continued indefinitely. Next to the critic, you feel humiliated. No matter how hard you try and no matter what you do, you never get it right.

Behavior Scenario No. 2

You are late for dinner and you do not warn about it. Your other half is visibly angry, but instead of lashing out at you, he starts asking you about this habit. “I noticed (a) that you are constantly late. What happened? Is there a reason for this?" This is an example of how a person is trying to understand the origins of wrong behavior. nine0003

Instead of blaming a particular person, he or she blames an action.

A critic may never even say anything rude to you personally. But he speaks offensively about your beliefs, appearance, thoughts. Often this is due to low self-esteem and the desire to keep everything under control. Instead of helping you get rid of bad habits, he rebukes you for them and suppresses you as a person.

The critic condemns the person, not his behavior. The most detrimental experience a person can have is when a parent says "You're a bad boy/bad girl" instead of "You did a bad thing". nine0003

2. Passive aggressor


With such a person, you feel as if you should walk on tiptoe. You never know what message he is trying to convey to you. Denial of feelings, sarcasm, questionable compliments are clear indicators that you are dealing with a passive aggressor.

Behavior scenario

You did something that upset your partner, but you can't figure out why. You ask why he or she is angry (you want to understand what you did and how to fix it in order to avoid mistakes in the future). But do not even hope: your other half will not tell you anything. Most likely, you are waiting for answers in the spirit: "I'm fine," "I'm not angry." At the same time, this person continues to maintain a distance and show with all appearance that you have acted incredibly mean. nine0003

You begin to obsess over the situation, trying to figure out what he or she really thinks, why he keeps dropping hints instead of speaking directly. You can spend countless hours trying to learn how to read the mind of a passive aggressor, going back again and again.

Passive aggression is a veiled expression of anger, anger. If a person cannot just talk, but uses sarcasm as a defense mechanism, sends incomprehensible messages or does not show his negative emotions directly, but does it only on the sly, then you have a passive aggressor. nine0003

3. Narcissus


Narcissus shows with all his behavior that his existence is the best gift for the Universe: he knows everything, he is the best in everything and does not hesitate to remind you of this every minute. No matter how smart and interesting you yourself are, you are far from being a narcissist.

The narcissist puts himself on a pedestal from which he looks at you.

It may seem to you that you are always competing with each other in some way.

Behavior scenario

Narcissists do not want to compromise, feel a lack of understanding and empathy, and want to always be in the spotlight. Even when it's your time to be the center of attention - on your birthday or at your promotion party - the narcissist will be able to draw all the attention to themselves. Even if it's a big scandal.

The story of Narcissus from ancient Greek mythology helps us understand the nature of narcissism. When Narcissus looked into the water and saw a beautiful flower in his place, he was surprised. In fact, Narcissists hate themselves. nine0003

They are easily hurt, and when they do, they release the anger and hatred that builds up because of low self-esteem. Narcissists are ready to destroy everything and everyone around them when they feel rejected or hurt.

4. Stonewall


A stonewall is a person who refuses to participate in conversation and share his feelings when problems arise. He constantly dodges direct questions. Because of this, the other person begins to feel insignificant, unworthy of honest communication. nine0003

Behavior script

The stone wall will never acknowledge the existence of a problem. If you're trying to connect with a person who you know refuses to be honest and open with you, it might be worth considering why you even need such a relationship.

Not wanting to answer your questions, such a person not only refuses to communicate with you - he makes you feel disappointed and even angry.

This is a good tactic for political debate, but it is absolutely unacceptable in personal life. The behavior of the rock wall is somewhat passive-aggressive, only he does not try to convey a hidden message to you - he does not consider it necessary to tell you anything at all. nine0003

5. Antisocial personality

If you communicate with an antisocial type, congratulations: you got a gift 2 in 1.


a consequence of childhood abuse. At the very least, sociopaths can be imbued with empathy.

But an antisocial person cannot, because he also has the inclinations of a psychopath: lack of remorse and empathy, a tendency to use others in his own interests, greed, revenge. nine0003

We all have many different tendencies that society perceives as negative. We may even find characteristics of antisocial behavior in ourselves. Therefore, we forgive and even favorably treat people with antisocial behavior, as we forgive and favorably treat ourselves.

Behavior Script

Don't forget that psychopaths are psychological chameleons who constantly engage other people's emotions. What for? To manipulate others, to control the situation, to get money, to have sex, to satisfy one's own ego, and so on. nine0003

They are so good at it all and lie so masterfully that their victims are unaware of what is happening.

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