Is my bf right for me
How to Tell If Someone You Are Dating Is Right for YouHow to Tell If Someone You Are Dating Is Right for You Search iconA magnifying glass. It indicates, "Click to perform a search". Insider logoThe word "Insider".
US Markets Loading... H M S In the newsChevron iconIt indicates an expandable section or menu, or sometimes previous / next navigation options.HOMEPAGE Save Article IconA bookmarkShare iconAn curved arrow pointing right.
Download the appPablo Heimplatz / Unsplash
If you already have a partner, congratulations, you've beaten the system.
For the rest of us, modern dating is a minefield. There are so many rules and games to play it's easy to lose track. You might be "left on read" by someone you really liked, and your mind may spin out of control when you're over-analysing what their last few messages really meant.
The woes don't necessarily stop when you find someone. With Tinder right at your fingertips, it's tempting to go back and see if there is someone out there who is just a bit more perfect. With so much available choice, how are you supposed to know if someone is right for you? When should you stop over-thinking and finally commit?
Business Insider asked nine relationship experts for the signs to look out for when you're trying to figure out if someone is right for you.
Here's what they said:
1. They pass the 'bar test'Josh Wilburne / Unsplash
"As simple as this may seem, I call it the 'bar test' to know if you're with the right person. When you're at a bar (or restaurant, wherever) with your new partner, are you looking around to see who else is out there or who might see you two together? Or, are you perfectly content with your partner, and you want everyone there to notice you with him/her? If the latter is true, then he/she passes the test. But if it's the former, it might be time to decide whether being in a relationship with this person is your best option."
— Erika Ettin, dating coach and founder of dating site A Little Nudge
2. They don't hold you backClarisse Meyer / Unsplash
"A person who can authentically be excited about your success and goals in life is someone who won't feel the need to hold you back. Most unhealthy relationships include some form of sabotaging of one partner. Dating someone who is happy with their life means they can be happy for you and alongside of you."
— Shannon Thomas, therapist and author of "Healing from Hidden Abuse: A Journey Through the Stages of Recovery from Psychological Abuse"
3. They don't want to change youToa Heftiba / Unsplash
"When you listen to your heart, you'll feel whether or not the person you're dating is right for you. This is known as 'intuition' — your heart's message to you. Almost everyone can think back and recall a time when they didn't listen to it. When you feel good, feel that your partner is patient and true, treats you the same in public as he/she does at home, then you're on the right path. Keep in mind that your intuition may send out warnings as well. It may come as a gut reaction. For example, if your partner wants to change you in any way. He/she is not accepting you for who you are. If that happens, run. That is a sign of a controlling person and he/she will never treat you properly."
— Tracy Malone, founder of Narcissist Abuse Support.
4. They fit into your lifeYanapi Senaud / Unsplash
"A good sign that someone is right for you is if you can imagine that person fitting in to other parts of your life and not just living in a microcosm of the relationship. Ask yourself: Do they get along with the other people in my life? Do I get along with their friends and family? Do we have mutual interests and things that we enjoy doing together that can be a source of sustainability in a relationship? If the answer is yes, then you may be on the right track."
— Holly Daniels, a doctor who specialises anxiety, co-dependency, and relationship addiction at Sober College
5. They listen to youjosh peterson / Unsplash
"One of the signs that your date is likely to make a good mate is that the he or she shows genuine interest in your life and listens attentively when you are speaking. They also remember things that you have told them about yourself.
"Conversely, if the person that you are dating nearly always monopolises the conversation, does not ask you about yourself or your day, and then tunes you out when you start speaking, these are clear signals that your date is not really very interested in you as a person except as an audience for them. If they are not interested now at the beginning of the relationship, they are likely to be even less interested later on."
— Elinor Greenberg, psychologist and author of "Borderline, Narcissistic, and Schizoid Adaptations: The Pursuit of Love, Admiration, and Safety"
6. They're happy when you're happySuzana Sousa / Unsplash
"It certainly helps if you're dating someone that you want to make happy and who wants to make you happy in return. Couples who each truly place the needs and wants of their partners on par with or above their own seem handle a lifetime of compromising, juggling priorities, and collaborating better than couples who individually pursue their own best interests."
— Laura VanderDrift, associate professor of psychology at Syracuse University's College of Arts and Sciences and director of the Close Relationships Lab at Syracuse University
7. They comfort you when you're sadThiago Barletta / Unsplash
"One of the major signs that tells you if the person you're dating is right for you is how they treat you when you're sad, crying, having a bad day, or just emotional. Are they compassionate? Are they attentive? Do they stop what they're doing to give you their attention? Are they distracted when you're expressing your feelings and most of all, do they know when to just give you a hug? It may seem simple but this is a very important trait to know what kind of human being the person is. If they criticise you for being sad or tell you that how you feel is silly that you're over-reacting, that may be something to pay attention to. They could show signs of narcissism. Although later, you may think you were over-reacting, it may be just as important to know you were being listened to in the onset."
— Catenya McHenry, journalist and author of "Married to a Narcissist"
8. They have boundariesfrankie cordoba / Unsplash
"Something that is important is whether this person has boundaries. Boundaries are important because it means someone isn't a pushover, and they can communicate when they are unhappy. When we are unhappy and we don't say anything, our resentment builds up and boils over. Some women prefer the man to take charge. Some women want the man to be more passive. So you've got to think about your values. In healthy relationships, growth is very important, generally in the same direction, so you need to be able to have arguments, and conflicts and points of disagreements without killing each other. Rather it's an opportunity to say, hey, this is how your brain works, this is how I feel, and can we actually learn from each other in this point in time, and grow in the same general direction, with our own wisdom and our own failures."
— Perpetua Neo, psychologist, expert in toxic relationships, and creator of the Detox Your Heart program
9. The balance is in their favourShanique Wright / Unsplash
"One of the first ports of call of an effective narcissist or an effective manipulator is to dissociate you from your own capacity to listen to yourself and your own intuition. Once he's marginalised your intuition, you then margianalise your common sense and your friends and other things. So I think it starts at a very subtle level, to listen to that sense that maybe something is wrong here, and just keeping yourself aware of that voice.
"Maybe it sounds a bit cruel, but in the fog of love, we abandon that voice quite quickly, because the other person is quickly perfect. So it can seem cruel to ask yourself, if anything were wrong here, what would I select first about what might be wrong? But when you give yourself permission to ask that question, then the intuition and the hunches can come back. And you may decide that you've considered them, there are ten things you don't like that much, but there are a thousand things you love. Then great, get on with loving them. But ask yourself that question, and give yourself permission to consider those other things. It can salvage your intuition, and that part of you for good reason, although that may not be comfortable. "
— Jonathan Marshall, psychotherapist and executive coach
Read nextLoadingSomething is loading.
Thanks for signing up!
Access your favorite topics in a personalized feed while you're on the go.Features Dating Relationships
10 Ways To Know He's Not Right For YouHelloGiggles
I believe it was Oscar Wilde who once said, “When love is right, it’s right; when it’s wrong, it effing sucks. ”
I also believe he did not actually say this, at least not in these actual words, but I’m pretty sure at some point he shared a similar sentiment. At any rate, it’s true: when something clicks, it’s like there’s magic in the world, and when it doesn’t, it feels like you’re riding in an elevator that just snapped and you’re plummeting to the bottom. But how do you know if you’re in something right? How do you know if he’s right for you? I’m not a relationship doctor, but I’ve had my fair share of relationships. So here are 10 ways to know he’s not right for you.
10. There’s no humor in your relationship.
I’m not saying you have to date Jerry Seinfeld (or whomever the kids find funny these days, I don’t know) but if your date nights sound like the clattering of forks against plates with crickets chirping in the background, that’s a bad sign. You want humor in a relationship. You want someone who makes you laugh, and also someone who laughs with you, and not at you. One of my biggest worries in a relationship was when I fretted that my boyfriend didn’t find me funny. It was important to me that he liked my sense of humor; since he made me laugh, I wanted to do the same. Maybe humor isn’t as important to everyone, but you need to have a few inside jokes that just crack you guys up. It’s a bonding experience.
9. You don’t consider him a friend.
I believe it’s important to have some element of true friendship in a relationship. If you wouldn’t even be friends with the guy you’re seeing, why should you be dating him? There’s gotta be more than just great sexual chemistry. I’m not saying he has to be your best friend; I’m saying, there’s gotta be a basis of some kind of friendship somewhere.
8. He’s negative about everything.
I’m a bit of a sarcastic person sometimes, but even I see the wisdom in finding positivity in the world. There is nothing worse than being with someone who is negative all the time about everything. From traffic to your future together, if every damn thing makes him groan and roll his eyes and go off on a tangent about how everything sucks and there’s no point, you are better off alone.
7. He keeps score.
This could be as simple as he’s stingy with money; that when you ask him to borrow $5, he will bring up that $5 every time you speak, text, or see him after, until it’s paid, or until one of you dies. Or maybe he keeps score emotionally, tallying up every little squabble you’ve had and who was right and who was wrong. This is the wrong person to be with. This is a person who is so petty that being with them turns into a chore. Don’t make someone your chore. You have actual chores. I’ve seen the kitchen, you should get on that.
6. You feel like you can’t be your true self around him.
Maybe you love The Bachelor but wouldn’t even DREAM of telling him, for fear of being judged. Maybe you rock out to Billy Joel but are too scared he’d make fun of you. You may be right. I may be crazy. (Sorry, if I don’t make a Billy Joel reference in almost everything I write, part of me dies.) You cannot be with someone unless you can be yourself — your best, and your worst. If you’re afraid to let him see your flaws, he’s not the guy for you. Sure, in an early relationship, there’s some hesitation, but there should never be actual fear. If there is, it isn’t right.
5. You’re not sexually compatible.
“Sexually compatible” covers all chemistry in the relationship, from how you are in bed to how you kiss. If you guys aren’t working together on these issues, it says a LOT. Sometimes, two people really hit it off, but that sizzle just isn’t there. Maybe one of you is zigging while the other is zagging. That’s not gonna work.
4. He doesn’t support you emotionally.
I once told an ex about my idea for a book and he laughed in my face. That’s when I realized, maybe we’re not meant to be. No matter how stupid your ideas are, your guy should support you. Even if your dream is to go to Mars. If you have an actual chance of going to Mars and he’s fighting you or laughing at you for it, he’s not your guy. That’s kind of an extreme example, but you get my point. He should provide you with emotional support, just like any good friend of yours would. If he can’t, he’s out.
3. You don’t get along with each other’s friends and/or family.
You don’t have to love his friends and family and vice versa; but you should be able to all get along. If there are deep-seated issues between you and his friends or he with your friends, that’s a bad sign. If his friends are terrible, untrustworthy people, that’s also a bad sign. Your friends are a reflection of who you are. You don’t want to date someone who has bad friends.
2. Your core values are totally at odds.
Opposites attract, right? I mean in any case, opposites bring some fun to a relationship, a certain “oh snap”-ishness. But if you’re too opposite, it’s not a good sign. If your core values, the things you hold dearest to your heart, are so far from the things he holds close, you’re going to have a problem. I’m talking about wanting to have children vs. not wanting to have children, being extremely religious vs. having no religion or being against religion — big issues that shape lives.
1. He’s emotionally unavailable.
There’s no way around this one. Dating someone who is emotionally unavailable is like dating someone wearing a suit of armor made of mirrors — you try to see in, but all you see is yourself staring sadly back. Trust me on this one, you want someone who can open up to you. Someone who’s not afraid to cry in front of you when things get really rough. Someone who is ready to start a new chapter in their lives with you. If he can’t do those things, he’s not emotionally ready, and your relationship is doomed.
What other ways can you think of?
Images via Shutterstock, Napoleon Sarony via Wikimedia Commons, and Things I Found (At The Thrift Store)
Which guy suits my personality?
What attracts you to people?
The ability to take responsibility for one's actions
The ability to enjoy life
The ability to see beauty in everything
The desire to develop
Suppose you were invited to a date, but you refused. Why?
I'm afraid it will be very boring
The man couldn't decide where we're going
I didn't like the idea of just sitting in a restaurant. It's not interesting
I don't think we'll have much to talk about
And if you did go on a date, why would you want to run away?
No, I'll stay until the end so as not to upset the person
My partner said he didn't know who Hegel was!
We are talking about some dreams and plans, nothing serious
Choose a quote that describes your ideal date:
"I'm ready to die. So I'm happy now. Never happened to me like this"
"I think I would miss you even if we never met"
"I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Let it begin as soon as possible"
"Only together can we reach such heights, oh I can't dream of when I'm alone"
Where would you go on a trip together?
Ride in Russia
How will your vacation be?
Everyone does what he is interested in. And in the evening we share our impressions
We will be together 24/7!
We'll take a couple more friends, it'll be fun!
We will go to museums, discuss what we have seen
According to you, the best gift is:
A friendly surprise
is the most important thing for you in relationships: 9002 stability
Strong feelings and emotions
Mutual understanding and support
How should your first date go?
Theatre, cinema or concert
Something very romantic
Something active - skating rink, bike ride
Standard dinner in a restaurant
How important is it to you how your friends will accept a new acquaintance?
Strong and independent
You need a person next to whom you will feel completely safe. Only in this case will you be able to trust him, begin to share feelings and emotions, what really worries you. The image of a strong and calm protector will give you peace of mind that will benefit your relationship. What will this quiz reveal about your friends? Share your results with them! nine0003
Cheerful and open
You need a person next to whom you will feel like on a holiday. You like communication, constant fun and the circle of friends and acquaintances. Therefore, an open and friendly person who, like you, can become the soul of any company, will be an ideal companion for you. What will this quiz reveal about your friends? Share your results with them!
Dreamer and romantic
You need a person next to whom you will feel like in a real fairy tale. Romance for you is not just a beautiful word, but a way of life. You are very sensitive and sentimental, so your companion should share and support your craving for beauty. What will this quiz reveal about your friends? Share your results with them! nine0003
Smart and versatile
You need a person next to whom you will feel constant development and growth. It is very important for you not to stand still, but to work on personal effectiveness and usefulness, therefore, for an ideal relationship, you need someone who can share and support your desire for self-development and education. What will this test tell about your friends? Share your results with them!
signs that he's not right for you
Don't waste your time with a guy with whom nothing but disappointment awaits you. Break it down and go somewhere else! How to do it? Alexander Tsypkin, a writer and expert in male psychology, told us how men behave when they have no serious plans for a girl. nine0003
Relationships with men
Psychology of communication
1. Once you start reading this article, the alarm bell, whatever it may be, has already rung. But let's look at the nuances. nine0003
2. He stubbornly tells you about his shortcomings, as if hinting that you are suffering with him. He not only does not hide them, but is proud of them. Especially often windiness and disorder emerges. And in general, he talks a lot about himself, and is much less interested in you, especially in your plans for the future.
3. Usually such comrades have a universal legend “I just got out of a difficult relationship, I want to live a little today.” It's all nonsense. Nothing heals a difficult relationship better than a new one that is even deeper. Therefore, the above excuse means “you won’t cure me, but as a painkiller you are suitable.” nine0003
4. If you invite him to a friend's wedding, he definitely won't go. A temporary boyfriend is ready to accompany you anywhere, but going to a wedding as a couple is already too much. For some reason, men think that if he came to a wedding with a girl, they can marry him there for a company, or if his girlfriend suddenly catches a bouquet, the bailiff will then come with him, as with a writ of execution.
5. You don't call him every day, that is, you call him, and he only calls if he has an unscheduled free evening and wants sex. nine0003
6. As soon as you bring him a cup or, God forbid, a toothbrush, he immediately starts talking about personal space, and your things come back home, sometimes with you. That is, he does not even offer to spend the night.
7. Ask him a question in the summer about a joint meeting of the New Year and offer to buy tickets in advance, so to speak, to save money. If something unintelligible about workload sounds in response, especially from January 1 to January 11, draw conclusions. nine0003
8. You have a strong feeling that he is an orphan. That is, we never talk about getting to know my mother. Not to mention dad and brothers.
9. An invitation to your parents also does not arouse enthusiasm.
10. In sex, he does whatever he wants and doesn't even particularly ask if you like it. It's simple - he is not afraid to lose you, even subconsciously, and therefore does not think whether his requests will scare you. And he is suspiciously a little worried on the first intimate date.
11. To the phrase “I have been looking for someone like you all my life”, he looks for an answer for several seconds and eventually tries to pretend to be a Comedy Club resident
12. Invite him to a party with your especially boring and unpleasant girlfriend. Repeat after a month. Anyone who is going to live with you until old age understands that this is a necessary evil and will somehow adapt. The temporary concubine will not want to suffer and in every possible way will begin to avoid such meetings.
13. Opposite: introduce him to your most beautiful friend and follow his gaze. It is understood that he will not drag her into bed right in front of you, but the “temporary worker” will allow himself to show excessive attention or even start an acceptable flirtation. nine0003
14. Within two or three months, the regularity of sex begins to drop rapidly. The explanation is simple: no matter what they say about a man’s lack of connection between love and sex, there is one.
15. Ask him to change his social media status and see how he reacts. Most likely, he will say yes, but will do nothing.
16. Start a conversation about polygamy, temporary relationships and the joy of life today. You will see with what enthusiasm he will support and develop it. By the way, sometimes it is precisely these lovers of “live today” who fall into the most primitive trap: if a girl herself tells him that she would like a relationship for a short time, a short circuit occurs in the man’s head, smoke goes up and everything ends with the registry office.