Is it ok to feel lonely
What Feelings of Loneliness Can Teach You and How to Handle Them – eMindful
June 11, 2020
Experiencing Loneliness is Normal
Human beings are hard-wired to crave human connection. When we’re seeking social connections, feelings of sadness and longing can come up that we often recognize as loneliness. These feelings can start after it’s been a few days since you’ve been able to connect with friends and family, and they can be further intensified by the impact of social distancing orders that caution human contact like hugs and other acts of comforting touch during a time when they’re needed the most.
Between navigating the current wave of the Coronavirus and the regular stress that happens during the week, feeling lonely without the presence and comfort of other people is valid. It’s easy to compare yourself to others who seem to be adjusting easily to all of this change and wonder if what you’re feeling is normal. But you are not alone! There’s plenty of explanation for why you’re feeling this way — and how to cope.
Juggling a lot during Coronavirus? Check out our Avoiding Burnout series to help you maintain balance
I Have So Many Ways to Stay Connected – Why Do I Still Feel Lonely?
One of the blessings of the technological age is that it’s easier to stay connected on a day-to-day basis through social media, text messages, video meetings, and other apps. These tech-savvy solutions help us see faces, hear voices, and make it possible to catch up with each other – so why doesn’t it feel like enough sometimes?
Studies have shown that human touch releases oxytocin, a hormone that has been shown to restore the balance between stress and calm. Human touch can also decrease levels of the stress hormone cortisol, so during a time when touching is limited, that important balance between our stress and calm responses can get thrown off. Although our home is often our sanctuary, the absence of other safe, familiar spaces in our lives – such as therapist’s offices and the homes of friends and family – can also create cravings for human interaction outside of the home.
It’s helpful to stay connected through the apps and technology that are available to us, but screens cannot replace human touch, and it’s okay to still have feelings of loneliness after your Zoom meetings or Marco Polo video messages.
Learn more about how to navigate discomfort with our Being Present with Discomfort on-demand content
Finding Comfort During Loneliness
Having limited human companionship and physical touch, especially while social distancing orders are in place, can be challenging but rather than trying to avoid the feeling of loneliness or push it away, but what if you leaned into it? There are things to learn from loneliness, and here’s how to practice listening to what it can teach you.
Create a safe, comfortable space. This may look like a comfortable chair with a window open so you can hear the wildlife outside, or you may prefer a patio setting so you can feel the warm sunshine and experience the smells and sounds of your backyard.
Whatever a safe space looks like to you, having one available as a little retreat for yourself can be helpful when uncomfortable feelings arise.
Give yourself permission to sit with your feelings. Rather than trying to push away any feelings of loneliness or other emotions that may come up, allow yourself to accept your feelings as they are. Sit in a comfortable space and begin bringing awareness to your breath, noticing the rise and fall of your chest or belly. Notice any areas where you’re holding tension. As you observe these areas, allow them to exist, releasing with each breath and softening into your body.
Feeling present and connected to yourself in the moment doesn’t replace the touch or interaction of another person, but these mindfulness tips can help you navigate quarantine as we all wait for the virus to pass. Explore a few ways you can find presence in the current moment, be it going for a mindful walk and noticing the details of your surroundings as you move, or preparing a delicious snack or meal and savoring not just the flavor in every bite, the ritual of gathering ingredients and preparing it.
Build the skills to manage feelings of loneliness while connecting with others by registering for an upcoming Mindful Daily session
Leaning Into and Learning From Loneliness
All of the emotions that come up for you in the absence of human touch and companionship are real and valid. It’s important now more than ever to stay connected with loved ones safely, but screens, video, and pictures are not a replacement for in-person connections and can still cause loneliness,depression, and other uncomfortable emotions.
Adding mindfulness practices such as mindful breathing and bringing your focus inward to your emotions and body sensations can help reinstate feelings of safety, peace, and inner calm while social distancing guidelines are still in place. Giving yourself permission to lean into and learn from your loneliness can be challenging, but allowing yourself to feel that discomfort can also teach you a lot about what your own needs are.
Written by Becky Greiner.
I'm feeling lonely. - MHA Screening
Humans are social animals—it’s in our nature to want to connect with others. When those needs aren’t being met, it’s completely normal to feel lonely. Loneliness is a universal emotion; we all feel it at one point or another.
Sometimes it stems from us being isolated from other people. But often it sneaks up when you feel disconnected or misunderstood by the people around you. Feeling like you don’t “fit in” —with your classmates, with your friends, with society in general—is normal at any age.
Even though loneliness is something we can all identify with, we all experience it differently. What makes you feel lonely may not phase another person, and vice versa. There are also many different types of loneliness. You might have a really close group of friends, but wish you had that one go-to best friend. Or maybe you have both of those, but miss being in a romantic relationship.
You might struggle to connect quickly with strangers and end up feeling lonely in new environments. The loneliness you feel, no matter your situation, is completely reasonable and valid.
Sometimes you might feel lonely because of something in your environment. You might feel lonely after moving or going through a breakup. Or you could be going through a rough patch in your life and wish you had someone to support you through it. Loneliness can also be a sign of depression, anxiety, and other mental health conditions. (If you’re worried about your mental health, take one of our free and confidential mental health tests!)
Whatever the reason, feeling connected to others is an important part of overall well-being. Here are some tips for feeling less alone:
Acknowledge that you’re lonely.
Change often starts with admitting how you’re feeling—even just to yourself. Try to identify why and how you’re feeling lonely. Once you have a better understanding of your own experience with loneliness, it’s a lot easier to figure out what steps to take to feel better.
Boost the connections you already have.
Loneliness can be all-consuming, making it hard to recognize the relationships right in front of you. Do you have coworkers who seem nice but who you aren’t very close with? Maybe there’s a new student in your class who is probably looking for a friend too. Or that person you’ve never really talked to even though you always “like” each others’ social media posts. Try reaching out to one of these people, or a friend you lost touch with a few years ago.
You might be surprised at how willing some of these people are to connect on a deeper level. Even if they don’t become your new best friend, it’s nice to feel a little more connected to the people around you.
Join a club or take a class.
What if you want to meet new people? Get involved in activities that revolve around your interests. It’s easier to start a friendship with people you have something in common with. Find a book club, a sports team, or an art class.
You can even start taking a workout class at the same time each week—you’ll likely see some of the same faces regularly. And don’t forget about online groups! If you can’t find a good local group, there’s probably a great online community for whatever hobby or interest you can think of.
Take care of someone else.
What’s really missing when you feel lonely is a sense of belonging. Helping others can help you feel needed. Maybe you have a neighbor or family member who would love someone to vent to. See if your local retirement home or animal shelter (yes, puppies count as “someone else”!) could use a helping hand. Giving back to your community is a great way to feel less alone in the world.
Spend time in public.
If having a conversation sounds intimidating, do your best to just get out in public. Being around others, even if you don’t interact with them, can lessen the intensity of your loneliness. If you need to get homework done, head to the library instead of doing it in your bedroom.
Planning to mindlessly scroll on your phone for 30 minutes? Go grab a snack and a table at your favorite coffee shop and spend your social media break there.
(Of course, this looks a little different during a COVID-19 uptick. Be sure to follow social distancing guidelines. Still, stepping outside to get some fresh air can help you feel like a part of your community and less of a shut-in.)
Enjoy your own company.
Being alone doesn’t have to mean being lonely. Community is important, but so is your relationship with yourself. Make sure you’re speaking to yourself kindly and giving yourself the same credit that you’d give someone else. Lean into the solo activities you enjoy—work your way through that list of movies you’ve been meaning to watch, or get yourself a starter kit for that new hobby you want to pick up. Take time to reconnect with who you truly are: your strengths, your weaknesses, your goals, and anything that makes you, you.
Bonus: when you get to know yourself better, it’s easier to feel good about yourself when you do go out and socialize.
The therapist explained how to overcome loneliness
The topic of loneliness is one that is probably familiar to all of us. Loneliness is the feeling that accompanies us in our development. This is part of the journey of finding yourself. And it leads to the fact that we begin to value relationships more.
Experience of loneliness
Loneliness is experienced very painfully. This is the kind of feeling we want to run away from, and we do it by being distracted by something. We are helped by watching TV shows and movies, computer, mobile phone, travel, alcohol, work. All this helps to get rid of the unpleasant feeling. Because in loneliness we experience that we again find ourselves thrown back to ourselves. In loneliness, I am only with myself. I'm thrown. There is no one around. I don't have a relationship, I don't have anyone I can talk to. Loneliness is the experience of experiencing the absence of a relationship. This feeling can be especially acute in longing for something.
If you love someone, you yearn for separation from him. I miss my loved one, I feel connected to him, but I cannot see him. My heart is next to him, and without him or without her, my heart is lost to a certain extent.
A similar feeling can be experienced with nostalgia, when we yearn for our native places. I experienced a very strong longing for my native places when, as a child of 11-12 years old, I was in a boarding school. It was warm and pleasant at home, I had relationships there, I had friends there, and I was at a boarding school far from home. I haven't been home for a whole month. I felt like I was in a foreign world. The world was cold and I felt lost. All this time I thought about what was happening at home, what my relatives were doing: now they got up, now they are having dinner, now the family has gathered at the table. And I was constantly in pain because I was separated from that part of life where I usually experienced warmth, where I had the feeling that I was part of this world.
I felt incredibly alone.
We may feel lonely at work if we are confronted with some demands, if there are some projects that we have not yet grown up to. Where we feel insecure about them, and if no one supports us at the same time. Then we feel alone. If I know that everything depends on me alone, there may be a fear that will accompany loneliness. It's the fear that I'll be weak, that I'll feel guilty about not being able to do it.
It's even worse if bullying occurs at work. Then I will feel that I am given to it at the mercy of, I am on the edge of society and I am no longer a part of it.
Loneliness is a very big topic in old age, in old age. And in childhood. Children who are not met, children who are left alone if the parents are busy doing something else, may feel helpless in their loneliness. Loneliness traumatizes children, because in solitude they are not able to develop their Self. They stop in development. There is a curvature in the development of the child if he experiences long moments of loneliness.
On the other hand, it is not so bad if the child spends a couple of hours alone, because for him this is an impetus for development. Just what is reality.
In old age, loneliness is no longer a traumatic factor and does not hinder development - but it is burdensome. It can cause depression, paranoid feelings, sleep disturbances, psychosomatic complaints, and pseudodementia. It happens that pseudo-dementia is the silence of a person from loneliness. He used to have a family, he worked for decades, was among people, and now he sits at home alone. One of my patients at the age of 85 was sitting at home alone. Being her doctor, so that she would not be completely alone, I bought her a canary. She has a living being. This canary helped her live a couple of years longer. She talked to her every day.
For most older people, television is their "comfort". But TV is a communication directed only in one direction. And yet man at least hears human voices. And in any case, he can say something to himself, even if no one will hear.
I think this is not a bad form of overcoming loneliness, creating a kind of bridge, because it takes the edge off loneliness. But, of course, this is an ersatz, a replacement. In old age, loneliness can be very overwhelming. Especially if he has lost the ability to see or hear. Can I imagine that I have to live in this state for a couple of years? When the only thing that will accompany me is back pain or indigestion. We can imagine how helpless we are in such situations. And here the question of the value of life really arises.
Do I know loneliness? If we ask ourselves: when was the last time I felt lonely? Is loneliness somehow present in my life? Maybe it is hidden behind some businesslike everyday life? If I'm being honest, I can probably find it. Or I may find that there were times when I was alone. Maybe I haven't known this feeling for a long time? Maybe it's foreign to me? Or another pole: maybe I really suffer acutely from loneliness? And it overwhelms me so much that all the joy in relation to life simply disappeared, that the question arises about the meaning of life.
Loneliness among people
I can experience loneliness not only if I do not have relationships with people. I can feel lonely during some holiday, at a party, even at my own birthday, at school, at work, in my family. Sometimes people are nearby, but something is missing. There is no meeting, there is not enough intimacy, there is no exchange with another person. We have superficial conversations, and I have a need to talk to a person for real. We talk about skiing, about cars, but we don't talk about me and you.
In many families, it is only about some business, who and what should buy, who should cook food, but our relationships, what worries us, are silent. Then I feel alone and in the family.
If no one in the family sees me, especially if it is a child, then I am alone. Even worse - I am abandoned, because there are people around, but they are not interested in me, they do not look into my eyes. They only look at whether I do well in school and that I don't do anything bad.
And that's how I'm raised. I grow up alone.
The same happens in partnerships: we have been together for 20 years, but at the same time we feel lonely. The sexual relationship is functioning, but am I in the relationship? Is the other talking about me - or only about yourself? Or just to satisfy some needs? If we don't take the time to talk to each other, as we did when we were in love, then we become lonely even in good relationships.
There are periods in every relationship when it feels lonely as the relationship develops more on a curve with ups and downs. We cannot be constantly ready to communicate with another, be constantly open to another person. We are immersed in ourselves, busy with our problems, feelings, and we have no time for another. But it can happen just when he needs it the most. At this moment, I am not for another, and the other feels alone, maybe even abandoned in trouble. Such situations occur in any relationship. But it doesn't harm the relationship if we can then talk about our different states.
And then we find each other again. But sometimes these moments remain wounds that we receive in the course of our lives.
We can experience loneliness not only when we are not in a relationship, but even when we are surrounded by people. And at the same time, we can not feel lonely when no one is around.
To understand loneliness, let's try to look at a person more deeply. Then we can understand why loneliness manifests itself in so many different ways.
Causes of loneliness
A person is a creature that, as it were, was placed into the world. The main idea of existential philosophy says that it is impossible to be human without being related to the world. To be human means fundamentally to be in the world, to be in connection with something or someone else. Without connection with otherness, it is impossible to be human.
It was in this way that Heidegger defined "being here" (existence). Heidegger often used the word Dasein instead of Person to show that I cannot be if I am not connected with You or It.
To be here is to be in the world. In the world of my family, in the world of my city, in the world of my ideas and ideas. That is to say, being human is a fundamental correlation. If something does not function in this relation, then we lack something and may feel lonely.
But this connection is twofold. Martin Buber spoke about the relationship "I-Thou" and "I-It": I relate to another person, the same as me - and this is a personal relationship, or I relate to some thing, with some business ( e.g. "I'm driving a car"). That is, relationships have an outer pole, but they also have an inner pole. I also need to manage with myself, I need not just to BE in this world, but I must also be I. We have a correlation outside and a correlation with ourselves. This thought can help to understand three reasons why loneliness occurs.
First of all, loneliness is a disturbance, a breakdown in relationships. In loneliness, we worry that relationships either do not exist, or they develop incorrectly.
Relations with a person mean: I am connected with this person with my feelings, I would like to experience a person in my feeling. I would like to be able to feel what drives him and what he feels.
Let's think about the relationship with your child. I would like to feel how a child experiences and lives his life. I would like to participate in this, I would like to be close to him - because through closeness I have a feeling about my child and his life.
Relationships are more than relatedness in terms of feelings. Relationships always have a beginning, but relationships never end. Relationships are forever. And it can be assumed that since I always remain connected with the person with whom I have or had a relationship, I can never be alone. All the relationships that I had with other people have been preserved in me. If I meet my ex-girlfriend after 20 years on the street, then my heart starts to beat faster - because something was, and it still continues to be in me.
Everything that happens in a relationship is saved. And I can live on that. If I experienced something good with some person, then this is a source for happiness in my later life. I can think of my mother, father, with whom I had a good relationship - and feel a warm feeling.
However, if the relationship is bad, then I don't want to remember them, I don't want to go back to the past. Then I wish it wasn't true. Then I lose contact with it. Relationships seem to be there, but they hurt me - and I turn away. And if I turn away, then the relationship in this moment no longer lives. Therefore, it may be that I will feel lonely, although I have or have had a relationship.
There is another reason why relationships can cause feelings of loneliness. What we have described so far is the outer pole of the relationship. But there is a relationship directed inward, a relationship with oneself. If I don't feel myself, if I don't have feelings, if they are muffled, then I am alone with myself.
If I do not feel my body, my breath, my mood, my well-being, my fatigue, my joy, my pain - if I do not feel all this, then I am not in a relationship with myself. Then I miss a fundamental, basic part of life.
This can happen if I have had an experience that hurts - then I don't want to turn to myself. If I was offended, disappointed, deceived, if I was ridiculed, then I feel pain if I turn to myself. And this is a natural human reflex - to turn away from what causes pain and suffering. We have described it in terms of external relations, but also in internal relations I can withdraw from myself. And then I no longer feel myself, I am no longer in a relationship with myself. It can take me so far that I won't feel my body. I will feel my feelings to such a small extent that I will have psychosomatic disorders. They always indicate that you do not feel something very important. This is a signal: you should not continue to live like this, feel what hurts you so that you can process it.
So that you can mourn, so that you can forgive - otherwise you will not be free. Migraine, stomach ulcers, asthma and other disorders tell me: do not continue like this. There is something very important that you must do first.
If I lose my relationship with myself, I can no longer feel myself. Or even worse, I can't have a relationship with you either.
I cannot truly experience a relationship with another if I am not capable of resonance, if there is no movement in me, because the feelings are too wounded. Or because I never really had them. If my mother never took me in her arms, if my father didn't have time for me, if I didn't have real friends, then I have a "blunted" world of feelings - a world that could not develop. Then my feelings are poor, and then I am always alone. Because I don't feel very well (or don't feel at all). Therefore, in relation to the other person, my feelings are also flat. This is the second level of relationship that leads to loneliness.
But there is also a third level, which is above the relationship level and which is also causally related to loneliness.
This is the meeting level. This level is connected with the fact that I am I in a relationship. If in a relationship we can experience being together and feel the closeness of another person, then thanks to the I, another aspect is introduced that “explodes” this pleasant being together: for all our connectedness and mutual striving to meet, we realize that I am I, You are You, but I am not You. That difference, which is irremovable. It is eliminated, for example, in a symbiotic relationship, when I myself dissolve into you. But if I am I, then there is a boundary between us. Then I worry that, in principle, I am responsible only for myself, I am left alone with myself.
There is no second Alfried Lenglet in this world. Each of us is unique and unique. The way I am is unique nowhere else. And this is the basis that can potentially make us lonely in this world.
Healing from loneliness
What can help here? The other person has the same feelings, he feels the same way.
If it is You who turns to me, it will help me accept loneliness. If other people look at me, in my direction, then by doing so they will let me know: "I see you. You are here." And I really am here, and not only with my feelings - I am here as a Person.
If, for example, another person is listening to me, they are directed towards me. It is not only about the fact that there is some kind of movement of feelings, but that someone is trying to understand me. And he tells me that he understands what he thinks about this. If other people are interested in what I am doing, then I see that I have done this action, and this attracts the attention of another person. That is, not only I see it, others see it too. And then it becomes reality. If others look at me that way, then they respect boundaries and differences. If I feel seen, it means that I was treated with respect.
If other people take the next step and take me seriously, leave me my own: "Yes, you baked this cake, not me," then they treat me fairly.
If they listen to my comments, if they say, "What you said is important. Can you explain it further?" then these people treat me fairly. This is an even higher level than just being seen. Being seen means that I have respect for the border, I do not step on you, I do not go around you. The pinnacle of all this is the recognition of my worth. If the other says "I like it"; "I think it's important," then I get a value judgment from the other. And thus my own value takes root. I can get some criticism, but it gives me a certain edge as a Person. If others come to me, tune in to me - I'm not alone.
If all this happens when I am a child, then I can build my Self. The development of the Self is connected with meeting other people. Parents are the people who see me, who take me seriously and tell me that they appreciate me. And then the child can begin to do the same with himself.
We need to learn this. We can learn it from others, but we cannot develop it in ourselves without You.
That is why Martin Buber said that I becomes I next to You. The self acquires the ability to treat itself - and then treat others in the same way. The person who survives the meeting develops abilities through which he can meet others.
We have Person - this is the source. This source itself begins to speak in us, but for this the Self must be heard. This I needs You, who will listen to him. By meeting with the other, I can go to myself. And in doing so, I have the basic experience of being a Person. I am self-confident, I have an inner life, the Person inside me speaks to my I, and through the I speaks to You and thus expresses itself. If I live out of this alignment, then I am authentic, then I really am I. And then I am no longer alone.
Read the full text on the website thezis.ru
Do you feel lonely? 11 ways to overcome this feeling.
The great irony is that as we become more and more “connected”—on social media, video calls, and messaging—we simultaneously feel more and more alone.
And while we may use technology to feel more connected, it may be exactly what makes us feel alone.
Practice kindness. In difficult times it is important to practice kindness. Blaming yourself when you feel lonely won't help. So stop your harmful self-talk, take care of yourself and take a little break. Perhaps a walk in nature or a day at the spa can be helpful in getting you into a mood of kindness.
Enjoy the moment. When you like something, immediately share it with others, and I do not mean that you need to post on social networks. You can share by calling or sending a message to a friend. Or share with the people you work with. Keep in mind that the positive things you can share don't have to be big. You could just wake up on the right side of the bed and think, "Hey, I feel great today." By sharing these moments, you create a small connection with other people that can help you overcome loneliness.
Connect in real life.
Connecting in real life may not be as easy as it used to be. We use our smartphones a lot - it's easier and it's now culturally accepted. But we can lessen our loneliness if we build stronger personal bonds. We do this by looking into people's eyes, by listening, by being mindful, and by being careful not to be distracted by phones or other technologies.
Rethink how you spend your free time. When we feel lonely, sometimes we just want to go into a corner and hide. Other times, our endless to-do list can leave us too frazzled to go out and socialize. We have created a life for ourselves that robs us of meaningful social connection, and the only way to get out of it is to start living differently. If instead we use our loneliness as a motivation to reach out to people, then we can strengthen our relationships. By choosing to cope with our loneliness by seeking social support, we create more social moments with the people in our lives that are important to us, which usually reduces our loneliness.
Do more things with people. Engaging in face-to-face communication improves our mood and reduces depression. Activities that involve other people, such as attending religious services or playing sports, can also have a positive impact on our mental health. So find ways to be around people more often.
Talk to strangers. A growing body of research shows that even seemingly mundane interactions with strangers, such as chatting with a barista or cashier, can beat loneliness by helping us feel more socially connected. So reach out to other people to say hello, ask how they are, or talk about what's on your mind. These small actions can make a big difference and help you reduce feelings of loneliness.
Be active online. Instead of passively surfing the web or social media, do something that involves the active participation of other people. For example, you can play games with other people, chat about things you care about, give advice on a forum, or chat with a friend via video.
The more you communicate with other people online, the more connections you have.
Stop your negative thought cycles. We could repeatedly think about what we could have done differently so as not to feel so alone. We think about events, people, or reasons because we mistakenly believe that thinking about our loneliness over and over again will help us get rid of it. Unfortunately, it is useless to dive into our thoughts instead of taking the actions we need to feel better. To end these negative thought cycles, we need to take action - do something different that stops these thoughts and changes our perception of the world. For example: "If I'm feeling lonely, I'll go to the gym or schedule dinners with friends for the next few days." And it helps.
Spend money on experience. If we spend all our money on things, we will have nothing left to spend on experiences with others. And it turns out that spending money on experiences is a lot better for our mental health.
