Is friends with benefits a good thing
Can ‘Friends With Benefits’ Really Work? 15 Rules for Mess-Free Arrangement
We all know the phrase "let's keep it casual," but what does it really mean to be "friends with benefits" with someone? Friends with benefits (aka FWB) is a casual sexual relationship with either a friend (duh) or just a random person. The general idea is that you are friends (or at least friendly) with the other person and have a sexual chemistry, but are not interested in pursuing a more serious, romantic, relationship. Successful FWB relationships are strictly sexual and avoid all of the romantic and physical intimacy of a true relationship. For a lot of people, FWB relationships are a great way to scratch a sexual itch without having to commit the time or emotional investment into a full blown relationship. They are also excellent for polyamorous people who are interested in pursuing multiple different types of relationships at one time.
And while some people really thrive in these casual relationships, others have a hard time separating sexual intimacy from emotional intimacy. Begging the question: Is it truly possible to have a sexual relationship without catching feelings? Casual relationships aren't for everyone, so if you are interested in pursuing a FWB, there are a few ground rules you should ask yourself to keep a FWB situation from becoming too involved.
1. Make sure you're emotionally mature enough to be FWB
Like we said before, not everyone is cut out for a casual FWB relationship. Sleeping with someone in a non-committal way takes a lot of emotional maturity. Before you start a FWB fling, make sure that you can deal with the different outcomes of the relationship. Adding sex to the equation will never make things easier (though it potentially adds a lot of satisfaction), so ask yourself if you can handle a casual thing from the get go.
Having emotional maturity also means that you are able to evaluate your own wants and needs. Before getting sexually involved with a friend, think about what you really want out of your relationship with them. Are you the type of person that can handle casual sex? Not everyone is. Knowing this about yourself is important before embarking on a FWB relationship so that you can protect yourself and your friendships.
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2. Don't become FWB with someone you already have feelings for
A successful friends with benefits relationship will end when the relationship is no longer serving one/both of you, or when one of you starts dating another person more seriously. You should not go into a friends with benefits relationship expecting (or hoping) for it to become something more serious.
Most FWB do not end with you dating your bed buddy! For this reason, you should not become FWB with someone that you are already into. If you agree to just sleep together, you should not expect them to wake up one morning and reciprocate your feelings. And if you are sleeping together, your feelings for the other person will probably only become stronger, which can make the situation even more difficult.
For a lot of people, it’s easy and normal to separate emotional feelings from physical/sexual relationships and that’s what you’re signing up for as a FWB. Sleeping with someone with the hopes that they fall for you is a surefire way to break your own heart. Instead of going for someone that you are romantically interested in, choose someone that you are not romantically attracted to so that things can indeed be casual.
3. Choose your partner wisely
The ideal FWB is someone that you are physically attracted to, but not emotionally attracted to. In addition to sexual chemistry, it’s important to choose someone that is honest.
Successful FWB relationships take a lot of communication and trust, so it’s important to choose your partner wisely. At the end of the day, you also need to consider what will happen if the FWB relationship doesn’t work out. Do you really want to risk changing the dynamic of a friend group by sleeping with your pal on the off chance that it does not work out? Sometimes it’s better to keep a playful friend group flirtationship rather than pursue a sexual relationship with a friend. And other times sleeping with your buddy totally works out. Everyone operates differently and all friend groups have a different dynamic. Just make sure that you are considering all the factors when deciding to become a FWB with someone.
4. Don’t be lovey dovey
If you are in a friends with benefits situation, do not act like a couple! This might be the golden rule of successful FWB relationships. Don’t hold hands. Don’t smooch in public. Don’t go on dates. Don’t practice PDA. In general, just don’t be lovey dovey with your sex friend.
It’s important to keep things in the bedroom, so that you don’t start developing feelings for them. If you start doing couple-y things with your friend with benefits, then you may start to develop feelings for them, even if that’s not your intention. It’s only natural to start falling for someone if you spend a lot of time together, especially if you are already being sexually intimate. So try to avoid this situation all together.
A lot of people find that it’s actually easiest to minimize the amount of alone time they spend with the FWB to keep the relationship more casual and low key. While you don’t want the relationship to feel transactional, you do want to make sure that it is mostly/entirely about your sexual chemistry and connection. If you do want to spend time together outside of the bedroom, it’s a good idea to do so in group settings. Group dynamics will keep PDA to a minimum and it will emphasize the FRIENDS aspect of FWB.
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5. Avoid sleepovers
Along the same lines as the last piece of advice, you and your FWB should avoid having sleepovers. After having sex, LEAVE! Cuddles and spooning fall squarely into activities for couples and should be avoided if you want your FWB relationship to work. As does pillow talk, which can often get very intimate. As nice as it is so wake up next to someone in the morning (and potentially have morning sex!) that is an intimacy that you should try and reserve for serious partners. This is not to say that you need to kick your friend to the curb as soon as you finish having sex, but you should be weary of sleepovers, as they might add complications to your casual relationship.
6. Be transparent about your sex life and be safe
FWB relationships are not typically exclusive, which means that you and your friend are probably seeing a couple different people. When you first begin a friends with benefits relationship, you and your new boo should talk about whether or not you plan to sleep with other people when you talk about your boundaries (more on this to come).
During this discussion, you should talk about how you plan to practice safe sex with each other and other people. It’s not necessary to disclose the other people that you are sleeping with (unless that makes you and your partner more comfortable), so long as you are on the same page about your expectations for protection during sex. It’s super important that you are both transparent about your sex lives and that you are practicing safe sex. In addition to condoms and other forms of protection, it’s a good idea to set up routine STI screenings so that you do know your status.
7. Set expectations at the beginning
Being in a FWB relationship requires a lot of potentially awkward or blunt conversations cough cough,why we mentioned that bit on emotional maturity. You and your FWB should talk about the expectations for your relationship at the outset. We understand that not everyone is into scheduling, but it can be helpful to talk about what your FWB relationship will look like from the outset.
Do you want a standing hookup on Wednesday nights? Or do you want things to be more spontaneous? Are you down with flirty texting? Or is that crossing a line? Do you expect to be in this for the foreseeable future? Or are you moving across the country in two months? Talking all of these things through at the beginning will help make sure that you and your friend are on the same page.
8. Expect the bare minimum
In addition to setting expectations in the beginning, it’s a good rule of thumb to set your expectations as low as possible. A FWB relationship won’t come with any bells and whistles so don’t expect a birthday present, a Valentine’s card, or a bouquet of flowers at any point. Keeping your expectations low (yes, even lower than the expectations you set in the beginning) will prevent you from getting overly invested in your casual relationship. And it will prevent you from getting jealous or upset if your friend blows you off or doesn’t prioritize you. Expecting the bare minimum will also help you avoid falling into the trap of catching feelings.
Remember that you shouldn’t expect this relationship to turn into something more serious, so keep your expectations for the relationship realistic/low and leave space for other people in your life to provide emotional support and more consistent friendship.
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9. Set boundaries
Like we mentioned above, it’s extremely important to set boundaries when you take a friendship to the Friend with Benefits level. Boundaries are important for every relationship, and FWB relationships are no exception. In order for both of you to feel fulfilled in this relationship, you need to make sure that your boundaries and needs are being respected. This is often more important for FWB that share the same friend group or have some social overlap in their lives. If this is the case, it’s important to discuss who will know about the relationship, how you will navigate the relationship in public and whether or not friends or certain people are off limits.
Setting up boundaries or rules is just as important (if not more important) than setting up expectations at the beginning. It’s important for you and your friend to check-in about your boundaries throughout your relationship.
10. Prioritize the friendship part of "FWB" over the physical
At the end of the day, remember that you should be friends with your FWB. A FWB relationship is not just a random hookup and it’s important to keep up a good relationship with one another outside of the bedroom. Because FWB is not a long-term thing, you should focus on being able to keep your friendship alive even if the benefits part of your relationship comes to an end (which it eventually will) You don’t need to spend a ton of time together to maintain your friendship, but focusing on keeping things fun, lighthearted, and playful, will help you prioritize the friendship part over the physical.
Respecting each other’s expectations and boundaries will also ensure that you stay on good terms throughout your FWB relationship and after it’s over.
It is totally possible to stay friends with someone after you have hooked up (whether it’s one time or many times) as long as you maintain a mutual respect for one another. It can sometimes take a bit of time to transition from hooking up to being friends again, but keeping the idea of friendship in your head through the hooking up stage will help this transition when the time comes.
11. Communicate
Communication is key in every relationship, but it is especially important in a FWB relationship when you need to discuss things like expectations, boundaries and your sexual health. Being able to have these discussions requires a lot of maturity (remember our first tip), but it is also a skill that you can develop with practice. These conversations don’t come super naturally to most people, so establishing check-ins where you can freely talk about your boundaries and sexual health can help facilitate these important conversations. Oftentimes the most awkward part of these conversations is finding a way to bring these things up in the first place, establishing a time to check-in about these things takes away that weirdness and opens up the important dialogue.
It’s also important that you are able to communicate your sexual needs in a FWB relationship. After all, what’s the point of the benefits if they don’t do it for you! It’s important to be able to communicate openly about your sexual needs so that the FWB is fulfilling. Don’t be afraid to ask for what you need in the bedroom. More often than not, your partner will appreciate the guidance. This also means listening to what your FWB wants and needs in bed.
Having a “friend with benefits” requires a whole new level of communication, which definitely isn’t for everyone. Luckily, our relationships coaches are just a click away. Click here to chat with a qualified relationship coach for free.
12. Don’t be jealous!
Like we mentioned, your FWB will likely be sleeping with or pursuing other people. As will you. It’s important not to let feelings of jealousy get in the way of a good sex parternship. Possessiveness is not a good color on anyone - in any type of relationship - but especially in a FWB situation when you are decidedly not exclusive! It is up to you and you FWB whether you want to know the specifics of each other’s sex lives.
It’s important to know if you are the type of person that gets jealous (some people are, some people are not) and discuss your boundaries with this in mind. Creating honest boundaries can often minimize the amount of jealousy partners feel in FWB relationships.
13. Don’t stop dating
Remember that you and your friend likely won’t end up as serious partners, so if that is what you are ultimately looking for, you should continue to date on the side. The great thing about a FWB relationship is the fact that things are so casual. You can sleep with your FWB when you are in the mood, and take things slow in your dating life. Having a FWB often takes the sexual frustration out of dating because you are getting your sexual needs met elsewhere, allowing you to focus on your emotional connection. Having a FWB can often take the pressure off of dating in the early stages. Even if you do choose to sleep with people you are newly dating, having a reliable sexual partner can make dating more relaxed.
Dating can also help prevent you from catching feelings for a FWB because you have other outlets for flirting and emotional connections.
14. Understand that they are also still dating
Just like you will likely be dating on the side, so are they. Be aware that as a FWB you probably aren’t they’re priority and you might have to be comfortable taking a backseat to their dating life. You probably want the same thing, so this usually works out for the best. In addition to not getting jealous of a FWB, it’s important not to expect to be their number one priority.
15. Don’t forget why you started
At the end of the day, friends with benefits relationships are about sex. Make sure that you and your friend are having fun sex together! FWB relationships are a great way to explore different types of sex and to get creative. Focus on the fun and carefree part of the relationship and make sure that your needs are being met in the bedroom!
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By Caitlin Killoren on May 24, 2021
With a degree in Psychology and over a decade of experience, Caitlin has made improving people's relationships both her career and her passion. Her work has been featured in publications like Bustle, Well + Good, and Goalcast, and she currently resides in Austin, Texas with her husband and giant fluffy dog, Remy.
The Pros and Cons of Being Friends with Benefits
“Between men and women there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship." Oscar Wilde
“No man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her.” Harry, in the movie When Harry Met Sally
Can men and women be friends? Can casual sex be part of profound friendship? How similar is “friendship with sex” to romantic love?
Casual sex
“I have had sex with my lover a few times at a hotel; it means nothing to me.
It’s like drinking water and not being quenched. My body is connected with him, but my soul is not. I implied to him that I’d rather be a f*ck buddy, rather than more. Trying to keep the emotional attachment at arm’s length.” A married woman
Jocelyn Wentland and Elke Reissing (2011) divide casual sexual relationships into four major types: “one-night stands,” “booty calls,” “f*ck buddies,” and “friends with benefits.” Each type is distinguished from the others by both its degree of romantic superficiality and its temporal aspects.
One-night stands, which are the most superficial encounter, involve the least emotionally intimate experience and often take place between strangers or after brief acquaintance. One-night stands usually end when the individuals part company. Booty calls refer to a communication initiated with the urgent intent of having a sexual encounter. Unlike one-night stands, the purpose of booty calls is to engage in repeated sexual activity with an acquaintance.
Despite the acquaintance, individuals participating in booty calls do not consider each other friends, they typically do not stay overnight, and they share minimal affection. Booty calls are not planned in advance. When booty calls become regular or frequent, the participants are considered to be f*ck buddies. F*ck buddies are already friends, but their friendship is largely limited to sexual interactions.
Friendship with benefits (FWB) involves the most profound activity among casual sexual relationships, in which partners are first of all friends, and then they add the sexual bonus.
To these major types of casual sex, we may add “sugaring,” which is situated between “f*ck buddies” and FWB, and where people receive cash and other gifts in exchange for company that can include sex.
Temporarily yours
"I've had several friends with whom I have had passionate sexual encounters, none of which have led to romantic love affairs that threatened my decades-long marriage.
" A married man
I focus on FWB, the type of casual relationship that seems closest to romantic love. It involves two major aspects of love, friendship and sex, and differs from love in other respects, including a low level of commitment (e.g., concerning exclusivity).
As in love, FWB involves significant concern not only for yourself, but also for your friend. However, it lacks the profound commitment of a long-term partner whom the lover deeply cares about and consistently engages in various sorts of activities with. Having both friendship and sex together, while dropping commitment and most types of the sharing, is different from profound romantic love; nevertheless, it is usually a pleasurable and exciting relationship.
To avoid commitment, the following pieces of advice are often given to FWBs: Do not have expectations, have a timeframe for the relationship (e.g., no more than three months), limit your time together to no more than two hours a day, talk on the phone only once or twice a week, keep friends out of it, don't do pillow talk, no sleeping over, and do not romance the partner.
These artificial rules might impede FWB from becoming lovers.
FWB constitutes an intermediate, unstable and relatively brief experience. Yet such a friendship can last beyond weeks and months, extending to several years. Laura Machia and colleagues (2020) found that FWB is indeed relatively short: about one-third of the participants in the study reported that their relationship did not survive the first year; the majority of those whose relationship did survive the first year later turned into regular friends, and the majority of those who wanted to transition into a romantic relationship did not do so.
FWB involves emotional closeness, but not the strong bond characterizing romantic relations. This closeness frequently generates, at least in one partner, the wish to upgrade the relations into a romantic one. Such an upgrade means giving up the advantages of FWB, and in a sense killing, as Oscar Wilde said, the thing we love.
Given the restless nature of our world, the relatively brief duration of FWB is also of value.
Moreover, unlike marriage, FWB does not prevent its participants from looking around and finding another, more fulfilling relationship.
How do women feel in FWB?
Here are a few random descriptions by women about their experiences.
"I've experienced FWB and found it quite enjoyable... and I WAS looking for sex more than friendship. Eventually, I found that the ‘benefits’ were much more enjoyable when there was friendship involved, due to a higher level of trust."
"I have had a friend with benefits for more than four years. The only expectations either of us has of the other is fun and respect. He is married, I am divorced, and still healing from an abusive marriage of 20 years. The arrangement is perfect, and frankly, it is the best relationship I have ever had with a man."
"I'm currently in three separate FWB relationships, all of which have been successful. We are all consenting adults, over 40. We all know how many partners each of us has.
The level of honesty and openness far surpasses any of my previous monogamous relationships, bar none. It is nothing less than wonderful. We all know this is as far as our relationships will go."
“I'm in a FWB situation and we are ACTUALLY friends. We talk, do lunch, hang out... and just happen to have sex sometimes.”
“My favorite relationships were FWB ones. I hope to get a FWB thing up again, it's the best dynamic for me. Friends who f*ck, no romantic overtones, no obligations to go to family functions, no expectations to have feelings after sex, nobody's asking when we're moving in together or getting married or having kids.”
“I get lots of offers, been tempted, but it's just not my cup of tea. I enjoy sex, I just think just intimacy makes it better. Plus, I love morning sex.”
“I had one FWB situation. I caught feelings early on. He didn't. I was tortured for years until I cut him off.”
“It always ends. You always regret it. And someone always catches feelings.
And my opinion (now) is that you shouldn't see someone who doesn't have strong feelings for you. Friends with benefits is never worth it.”
“My FWB was (and still is) my best friend.”
Uncertainty and conflicting expectations
FWB is a compromise in which one gives up romantic profundity and manages with being second-best. This compromise can be a good and enjoyable one. In economic terms, FWB cuts the costs and reduces the revenue. It cuts the costs since there is hardly any price to pay and the relationship is relatively risk-free. The revenue is reduced because enduring, profound romantic love is excluded.
Machia and colleagues (2020) found that FWB is characterized by high levels of uncertainty, coupled with discrepant ideals. Thus, women are more likely than men to hope that the relationship either becomes romantic or reverts to friendship without sex, whereas men are more likely to hope that the relationship remains the same. Machia and colleagues further suggest that FWB requires partners to fully discuss the rules of their relationship—but that this is rarely done, thereby damaging the quality of the relation.
FWB is not suitable for all people or for all periods of our lives. It is particularly difficult when the friends are married and have young children. The optimal circumstances for FWB may be those of young people before marriage and older people who have grown children.
Many people will continue to feel compromised by completely abandoning either romantic profundity or romantic freedom (Ben-Ze’ev, 2019). Hence, they will want to find more flexible and diverse relations, like FWB, which seem to feature the best of both worlds—but can also be problematic because they combine these worlds. After all, even in FWB, there is no free lunch.
Facebook image: Kate Kultsevych/Shutterstock
Friendship with benefits: rules for women
Contents
- So what is friendship with benefits?
- Friendship Requirements with Benefits
- Friendship Rules with Benefits
- Advice from sympaty.net
He is always there - loyal, kind and understanding.
Before him, you do not need to play a good mood, make a smart look and shine with unearthly beauty. He accepts you for who you are. He is your friend . He will come to the rescue in any situation. He will lend a shoulder and wipe away tears, he will prompt and direct, he will sympathize and make you laugh. He caresses and ... satisfies!
Today the women's site "Beautiful and Successful" will talk about friendship with benefits. What is friendship with benefits? Does it have its own rules and laws? And how to make friends with benefit for us, women, in order to avoid the most common and typical mistakes?
In the West such friendship is called casual relationship or friendship with benefits. Many of us confuse these relationships with no strings attached .
So what is friendship with benefits?
Romance without hassle or temporary sexual union of two equal partners? Sex without obligations or mutual assistance of two good friends? Can sex ruin a friendship? What are the consequences of friendship with benefits? Is there a future for such a relationship?
Yes, there are many questions.
Let's try to answer them in order.
Friendship with benefits ( friendship with benefit ) is an emotional and physical relationship between 2 people that has a sexual or near-sexual connotation. At the same time, the participants in such a tandem do not require each other to fulfill any obligations inherent in ordinary romantic relationships.
Casual relationship fundamentally differs from casual sexual intercourse, which either contains in small doses or does not contain emotional overtones at all, and goes beyond the scope of one sexual intercourse.
Beneficial friendships can last for a limited time and not be monogamous in any way.
This term encompasses the friendship of two people who enjoy physical intimacy and do not seek to turn it into a long-term relationship. Such a friendship lasts exactly as long as both parties want it to.
As a rule, its goal is: the achievement of sexual satisfaction. Emotional and romantic needs are not taken into account, and therefore not affected.
Sometimes friendships with benefits, like other forms of trust, involve mutual support.
Requirements for friendship with benefits
Such relationships must be:
- open,
- fairly stable emotionally,
- trust,
- honest,
- unromantic,
- sexually attractive to both.
Friendship rules with benefits
In order for friendship with advantages to bring only joy and satisfaction, you need to clearly define what you want or expect from her. You need to get at least a general idea of your needs and articulate them clearly enough to your partner. This will save both of you a lot of time and nerves in the end.
You don’t want a serious relationship yet, you just finished a stormy and difficult romance, you are tired of searching, you want to take a little time out and just relax in the company of a nice person, without losing while their independence and freedom? Simply put, you just want sex without pink snot and all the consequences that follow from it.
Sex for satisfaction, sex for health , sex for keeping fit.
Friend fits perfectly in this respect. He is a proven fighter, he definitely will not betray and will not put your naked photos on the net, he will understand everything and do it “right.” Well, what if he is also your ex-lover ( I sincerely respect those women who manage to be friends with the former ), then life itself ordered.
The main thing is to adhere to the following rules:
- Choosing a partner wisely . Of course, this is the most difficult and most important stage, requiring special delicacy. After all, a man should attract you in all respects and want the same as you, i.e. only friendship with benefits.
- Code of Practice describing the clear boundaries of relationships. Put it together and make sure everyone is happy and satisfied with the terms.
- Strict adherence to rules.
Have you agreed to "recover" once a week, instead of getting out of bed for 3 days? Do you start to control each other with calls and make scenes of jealousy with or without it? Well, my dears, here you have 2 options: either urgently return to the regime agreed at the beginning, or break the set of rules and change the nature of the relationship to a less formal one J - Immediate response to unforeseen circumstances. Do you feel like " business smells like kerosene "that you begin to experience more than just friendly feelings for a partner? Or is he looking at you differently than before? And that is not mutually . Run without looking back! Until the friendship with the benefits turned into a banal drama. Remember, such relationships have a short shelf life.
- Safe sex. You don't want an unwanted pregnancy or an illness of "weird" origin to overshadow a relationship designed just for fun?
Tips from sympaty.
net Always remember that relationships in such a friendship should be equal. And if a man does not promise you anything , then there is no need to indulge in pipe dreams. You are just good friends who have sex from time to time.
——
Author - Julia Maksimenko, site www.sympaty.net - Beautiful and Successful0145 but active , not closed from search engines, the link to our site is MANDATORY!
Please respect our copyright .
Friendship with colleagues - harm or benefit - Work.ua
"A person is a person when he is together with everyone." Jorge Amado
Working in a team and staying apart from everyone is as strange as sitting on the seashore and not touching the water. Communicating with employees, every day you learn something new, share your experience and just can discuss pressing issues. Of course, you can work alone, do not make close acquaintances and avoid communication.
But then it will be difficult for you to quickly and productively solve problems that are beyond your competence.
Work.ua decided to find out how close communication between colleagues should be, and whether it is worth crossing the line between work and personal life.
Friendship is not a hindrance to work
A healthy, friendly atmosphere at work is wonderful. In a team where there is mutual assistance and friendly relations have been established, it is much more pleasant to work than in a quarrelsome office. Having made friends at work, you get several undeniable advantages:
- You know that you will always be supported, helped in difficult times, share your problems and tell you how to act in a critical situation.
- Your friends are always with you, which means that work brings joy and positive emotions.
- All corporate parties and professional holidays are held in a pleasant atmosphere. In a circle of like-minded people it is always fun and interesting.
Reverse side of the medal
And everything would be fine, if not for one but. No matter how trite, but from love (or in our case, from friendship) to hatred is only one step. And yesterday's best friends at the moment can turn out to be real enemies. In this case, insults, quarrels and even open war are inevitable. And when discord begins in the team, work becomes unbearable.
The rest of the people have to somehow take one of the conflicting sides, support someone or, conversely, ignore. The result of such actions will certainly affect the effectiveness of the entire team. And if the plans cease to be fulfilled, it is unlikely that the authorities will like it.
Another point that should not be overlooked is the discussion of personal topics with colleagues. You trust them with your innermost secrets, which you would hardly want to make public. If the friendship ends, secrets can become public, and you can become an outcast in the team.
And what to do?
We spend 8 out of 24 hours at work.
And if this work brings pleasure, including communication with colleagues, then we feel a little happier. Everyone likes to be in the circle of close people on whom you can rely. Therefore, if you have the opportunity to make friends with colleagues, be sure to use it.
The main thing to remember is what topics can be discussed at work. If you are not sure that you can fully trust a person, keep a certain distance in communicating with him. Do not be an open book to everyone, so as not to become a victim of your own talkativeness later.
Work.ua is sure that life without trust and communication with people is difficult and boring. Therefore, he wants to make real and devoted friends at work, but at the same time not to lose vigilance!
Read also:
How to restore a shattered reputation
How to become the soul of a team and what are the consequences of this
6 phrases that you should not say to colleagues
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