Introvert tired after work

Yes. And, surprisingly, I feel lonely when I am surrounded by people.

When I am alone, I rarely get bored, I can always find something to do. Yes, of course, sometimes, like all people, I feel sad. But not because I am alone, a tearful song, and thoughts about my failures, even the situation in my country can drive me into such a state. But in such cases, I do not feel alone.

But when there are a lot of people around me and I don't feel like I belong to them, that's when I get lonely. nine0003

For example, I can sit next to my best friend and not talk to him for several hours, without both of us feeling alone.

But I can be at a party with 10, 20 or even 40 people. I can talk to them, listen to them and laugh with them, but after a while I realize that this is all just a superficial game.

That's when I want to howl from loneliness.

I'm tired of making excuses because I like being alone

What is it like, you ask? So, I often feel guilty. I have to apologize to others for not wanting to spend time with them. I'm tired of trying to convince others that there's nothing wrong with being introverted - that's fine. I am an introvert and feel good. I'm tired of making excuses because I just like being alone.

I've been thinking about this a lot, especially in the last year and a half. Introverts have an unnecessarily bad reputation for reasons I don't quite understand. I want to dispel some misconceptions. Of course, only my thoughts will go further, with which you may or may not agree. nine0003

Misconception 1. Introversion is just a pretty word people use to hide their lack of social skills

This is one of the most common misconceptions about introverts. We are thought of as social outcasts. When we were children, we were taught that we should make friends with other children and play with them in the sandbox. If we did not want to do this, everyone, even our parents, began to doubt our normality.

In fact, most introverts are quite sociable, they know how to behave well in society, and yes, they also have friends. They just don't like wasting time on useless conversations and don't want to spend Friday nights at a bar sipping whiskey and cola with complete strangers. nine0003

Misconception 2. Introverts are quiet and do not like to talk

False again. I love to talk. I read and think a lot. I am interested in sharing my thoughts with others and getting their opinion.

But I don't like speaking in front of a crowd of strangers. I don't like to talk over loud music in a bar and see that my words to others are empty words. I don't like having conversations for the sake of talking, I don't like looking for words just to say something. nine0003

But I like to talk about things that are important to me. I like to discuss with people what they really care about. And if we find common topics for conversation, then I'm generally ready to talk for hours.

Misconception 3. Introverts always prefer to spend time alone rather than with someone

This is also not always true. Some of my best memories are traveling with friends and working on a project with a team.

As I said above, I can easily find a common language with other people. But as an introvert, I need balance in everything: the hours spent with others must be balanced by the hours I spend in silence and solitude. For me, this is a kind of reboot, so I rest and collect my thoughts. nine0003

Misconception 4. Introverts are not leaders

We are used to seeing exceptionally charismatic leaders and believe that in order to lead people, you must be an extrovert.

But let's think carefully. Albert Einstein was an introvert. Bill Gates and Warren Buffett are also introverts. And many other outstanding people were and will be introverts.

People become leaders not only because of their personal qualities, but also because of their knowledge and abilities. Introverts tend to devote a lot of time to what they love, which is why they make the greatest discoveries and create the largest corporations. nine0003

Misconception 5. There are few introverts

According to various studies, more than half of people around the world consider themselves introverts.

As I mentioned above, there is such a stereotype in our society: to be an introvert means to be different from everyone else, a black sheep, practically an outcast. Because of this, many people never openly admit that they are introverts.

Instead of a conclusion

Being an introvert is not bad, it's not shameful, it's not abnormal. And for those who still doubt this, I suggest watching this video. nine0003

People are different: some people constantly need communication, while others prefer solitude. It's just a fact to be accepted.

Introverts don't like empty talk: I can't pretend to be interested in a topic I don't care about

If people find out that you're an introvert, then for some reason they immediately begin to consider you arrogant, rude and secretive. You are less likely to be invited to parties and other such gatherings. If you get married, then your acquaintances will joke about "how this closed dude even decided to meet her." nine0003

But here's what I want to tell you as an introvert:

• Introverts tend to be willing to talk about topics they like. I am happy to talk with others about cinema and sports, but fashion, for example, is not of interest to me at all. I can't feign interest in a topic that I don't really care about.
• Introverts are not boorish or hermits. We just need our personal space. We need time that we can spend exclusively on ourselves, it is important for us to be alone with our thoughts. And we hate it when someone tries to deprive us of this. Respect the personal space of introverts, their right to be themselves, and, trust me, they will become your most reliable comrades. nine0017
• Yes, many introverts may not be the best storytellers, but they are great listeners. My friends know that I will not be a good party companion, but they always remember that I am ready to listen to them if they need it.

Do introverts feel lonely?

Yes, I felt lonely a hundred times: when I wasn't invited to parties, when I had to go to the movies alone, when all my friends had girlfriends and I didn't. I felt lonely when I moved to a new city where I didn't know anyone and didn't even have anyone to talk to. nine0003

But I have learned to live with my loneliness. I looked at life differently. I was not subject to the herd instinct: I watched those films and read those books that I really wanted to see and read, and not because they were fashionable and everyone around was talking about them. I thought a lot and, by the way, thanks to this I began to write.

Introverts are ordinary people. They just need personal space, and they prefer to talk only on topics that interest them. And there is nothing wrong with the fact that they like to be alone. nine0003

I don't want to socialize

All the best ideas come to me when I'm alone. I work more productively on any project alone.

I rarely start a conversation first. But if someone starts talking to me, I always keep the conversation going. Remember that introverts are not aliens and they won't run away as soon as they hear the sound of your voice.

I don't want to communicate. I like to be busy in large projects, but at the same time carry out the task alone. If I still have to be in the circle of a large group of people, then the next day I try to protect myself from communication and be alone. I need such a “day off from people” even after I go to the cinema with my friends. I'm on my own and I'm not bored or lonely. nine0003

One day at university I was talking to a classmate about clubs. I said that I found it boring and tiring, to which he replied: "Well, it's still better than staring at the ceiling at home all evening." I remember being taken aback by his answer. I thought, are these people really that unimaginative? After all, there are so many things in the world that you can learn, what you can learn about! Instead, they spend their time in clubs, not because they're all big party people, but because it's customary, it's considered cool. Oh yeah, and that eternal "everyone does it." nine0003

There are no superfluous and random people in my life

Many people like to talk about the disadvantages of introversion, but I want to talk about the advantages.

• I don't get bored when I'm alone.
• I don't like formal short conversations. If I am talking to a person, then this is a real fruitful dialogue.
• I have my own opinion. And I never worry about the fact that it may not coincide with the opinion of the majority.
• There are no superfluous and random people in my life. If I have friends, they are real friends. nine0017

Introverts suffocate in the company of people where everyone thinks the same way

I am an introvert, and I really like to be alone if I have a business to which I can devote myself completely. But I would hardly have been able to stand without communication for more than three days. I believe that we all need someone to talk to, even introverts.

Most introverts have their own special outlook on life, they have their own opinion, which they are ready to defend. They do not like the typical views that prevail in most mini-communities. nine0003

Imagine: you are talking to a person who smells of high-quality and pleasant-smelling perfume. Of course, you like to have a conversation with such a person. Let's say you are in a company where several people use the same perfume. It may annoy you, but it's generally tolerable.

Now imagine that you are in a room where 50 people use the same perfume. Naturally, the aroma will be suffocating, and all you want to do is immediately run out into the fresh air. nine0003

Sometimes introverts also suffocate in the company of people where everyone thinks the same way. They prefer to communicate with individuals rather than with the crowd.

Also, I believe that introverts focus on quality, not quantity. Sometimes when I'm in a room full of people talking about the weather or gossip, I feel like I'm in an empty room - just as lonely.

I can keep myself in good company

I am an introvert, but I am sure that if I tell one of my friends about this, they are unlikely to believe me. I have friends with whom I often communicate and go out somewhere. However, I consider myself an introvert. nine0003

I like doing things by myself. I never seek someone else's approval, and I am very sad when I notice that most of those around me behave like children: they are waiting for an adult to come and tell them what is good and what is bad, what is possible and what is not.

Do I feel lonely? Yes sometimes. But not as often as my extrovert friends: they are driven into a real panic by the thought that they will have to go somewhere alone, while I can quite easily go to the cinema or theater alone and even go on a trip alone . nine0003

I love being in the company of other people, but I always remember that I can keep myself in good company.

Introversion is an enemy and friend

My introversion is my worst enemy when I am around people and my best friend when I am alone.

My father often changed jobs and we had to move to different cities. I changed many schools, and in each of them I immediately became a "weird unsociable girl."

I never had a great relationship with others, plus I was the only child in the family, and my parents were too busy with their careers, and they had no time for me. nine0003

I often had internal dialogues. From the outside, I looked like a quiet and lost puppy, but who would have known what kind of debates were going on in my head non-stop! I thought a lot, noticed a lot, I was an inquisitive and observant child.

In my free time I spent reading books, solving puzzles or just daydreaming. As I already mentioned, it was difficult for me to get along with my peers, as, however, it is still difficult.

But I do not regret anything - I accept myself as I am, and I can call myself a happy person. nine0003

Socializing is a test for me

I am an introvert and I can also describe myself as a shy person.

Speaking is like an exam for me

I'm always nervous. I go over and over in my head what I'm about to say. I always feel like I said the wrong thing. Sometimes I feel like I'm playing a role.

It often exhausts me, and all I want after such conversations is to go home and be alone.

I hate parties

Especially if there are a lot of people I don't know. I have no idea how to start a conversation with a stranger. And even if I decide to start, I can hardly support it.

It's hard for me to ask for something

I've always had a hard time asking for help, so I prefer to do things on my own. Why is there help - sometimes I'm embarrassed to even call my friends and invite them for a walk.

I like being alone

I often go to the cinema alone. I like to sit alone in a cafe and read a book. When the weather is nice, I like to walk in the park and just people-watch.

What do you think about this?

True problems of introverts / Sudo Null IT News

At any stage of mastering soft skills, it is very important to reflect, to recognize yourself from various angles. It is impossible to develop your communication skills and emotional intelligence without being aware of your own emotions and how you behave and feel when interacting with other people. nine0003

On the path of self-knowledge, quite often there is a desire to describe oneself through various typologies and characteristics. There is nothing reprehensible in this, various simplified models have always been used to study complex systems. Remember geographical maps: there are many of them, and each reflects a certain layer of the geosystem. Psychologists also try to study a person and his psyche, creating and using various categories and concepts. In this article, we will look at introversion and extroversion. But not as two different labels, but as the poles of a single scale by which you can calibrate your skills and check with current needs. nine0003

Poles of temperament

There are no 100% introverts or extroverts. There is a direction vector.

An introverted person tends to live thoughts and feelings within himself. In such a person, the need to discuss what is happening or joint reflection with someone is quite low. The need for contact with other people is weakly expressed. However, this does not mean that they do not need people, they do not know how to work in a team or build effective communication. Just because a person is used to living his emotions while being focused on his inner life, does not mean that he cannot learn to interact with people in broader aspects. nine0003

Extroverted people, on the contrary, are more oriented towards contact with others. They tend to openly express their feelings, they have a higher need for communication, not only for presenting themselves, but also for internal reflection. It is a mistake to believe that extroverts do not know how to keep silent, are restless and achieve career success only in the field of sales.

Temperament and communication

Temperament reflects the features of higher nervous activity, how a person recovers, tunes in to communication and builds interaction with the outside world. This is largely due to genetics, so an introverted person will not become extroverted, and vice versa. At the same time, temperament is not associated with the inability to build a dialogue or the avoidance of communication. nine0003

Effective communication implies the existence of a purpose of the meeting, a topic and dialogue, when a person not only brings himself into contact, but also listens to the other. Excessive talkativeness, expressiveness and emotionality of an extrovert can prevent the interlocutor from appearing. Increased fatigue from communication and the isolation of an introvert indicate the need for timely recovery, and not that a person does not want to enter into a dialogue at all.

Possible difficulties

Self-knowledge can be applied in different ways. Understanding your own introversion / extroversion can be used both to work on yourself and as an excuse for your own inaction. Developing any skill takes time, effort and attention. Consider the difficulties that may arise in mastering effective communication:

1. Ignorance: how to develop a skill?

There are no universal methods for developing communication skills. Someone memorizes poetry, someone reads prose aloud, and someone goes to meetings where they build contact in the form of a dialogue. Separately, speech is honed with the help of various articulation exercises, ranging from lip and tongue gymnastics to tongue twisters. It is important to listen to yourself and choose those methods that are most suitable for you, causing the least resistance to mastering. nine0003

2. Fear: I won't succeed!

The need for regular investments can be scary: what if all this is in vain and the efforts expended do not give a result? It takes at least three months to master any skill. First of all, it is important to give yourself time. At first, you want to give up, but as you learn, less effort will be required.

3. Waste of resource: how to recover?

Watch what fills you. How much time can you spend communicating with others without harming yourself, and how much time do you need to rest and recharge? Discuss this with your interlocutor: it is important to agree on a mutually comfortable frequency of meetings and negotiations.

Organize a safe space where you can feel relaxed. It can be your room or office, where you can be alone with yourself for as long as you need to recover. When proper rest is not possible, do not forget about short breaks. nine0003

It is also important to notice when communication exhausts you and when it emotionally charges you. To do this, you can keep a communication diary, analyzing meetings. What did you bring into the dialogue, what did you say? What did you feel, and what did your interlocutor feel? At first, you will notice a shift in focus to yourself, or to the one with whom you built a dialogue. Gradually, this will level out, and it will become clear where the resource is flowing. If you do not notice what is happening to you and how you feel in contact with a particular person, then you should not be surprised at the fatigue that has overtaken. nine0003

4. Secondary benefit: you can not take responsibility for your development

You have every right to be an exaggerated introvert: a difficult, closed person, because “it has happened since childhood”. However, it is important to recognize this: yes, I am like that, I do not want and will not increase communication, I do not need it. Take responsibility for the life and the level of development that you have.

If you see yourself as an employee of a large company, where communication is one of the most important skills, then such a choice excludes possible prospects. But you can decide to take the next step, which requires effort: “Yes, I am an introvert, but no one will develop my communication skills for me. It’s more difficult for me in some ways, it’s important for me to restore the resources expended, but it will gradually become easier.” nine0003

5. Legalizing my own detachment

"I have the right not to be in a warm, intimate relationship."

One's own introversion can be used as an excuse for setting rigid boundaries and distancing oneself from other people. As a result, you can find many problems in building meaningful relationships. A person can thus deny his own need for intimacy and acceptance, experience dissatisfaction with his own life, but do not change anything. nine0003

6. A beneficial feeling of being humble and "good"

Active communication with other people can be intimidating. You can demonize other people by trying to remain humble and withdrawn. You may not notice that others also have to work on themselves, that they are the same people. Rejecting such views, it is important to recognize the equality of one's own position and the position of the interlocutor. I am ok, you are ok.

Useful tools for developing effective communication skills

1. Reflection through written diary.

Fine motor skills affect cognitive abilities, and the need to formulate thoughts develops communication. Understanding yourself creates a foundation: your interlocutor does not need to play a guessing game if you know yourself well, your needs and limitations.

2. Reflection through reflection in a mirror.

We very rarely go to the mirror to really see ourselves. Most often this is something functional, like fixing clothes or applying makeup. Try to look at yourself contemplatively, as if you were an interesting stranger: who is that in the reflection? What is this person for you? How do you feel being around him? nine0003

This exercise can also highlight fears: if I can't look at myself, how can I present myself to others?

3. Strive for balance in dialogue.

At each stage of communication, we maintain a dialogue both with another person and with ourselves. It is important for an introverted person to notice himself, his experiences in the process of communication and how you can take care of yourself if the conversation is difficult and energy-intensive. An extrovert can focus on dialogism: how does my interlocutor look at me, what does he want to bring to the conversation? Depending on whether you lose yourself in a conversation or, conversely, fill the entire space with yourself, it is important to return balance to communication. nine0003

Interaction with speakers is also communicative. Try to pick up 3-4 key ideas from each lecture you listen to. Ask the facilitators questions about the material presented. Or formulate for yourself what you marked as the main one.

4. Formulate an agenda for the meeting.

Being collected and understanding what you bring to the meeting allows you to be more focused on the meeting itself. This saves both time and energy. nine0003

5. Work with the fear of negative evaluation.

Make it a rule that you don't care what you haven't been told. What anyone thinks does not hurt you in any way, it is the responsibility of another person. When you are afraid of the assessment that you fantasize, you only overload yourself with your experiences, from which you get tired even before direct communication.

6. Do not be afraid of conflict.

To be prepared for conflict, it is important to know a lot about yourself. How does conflict affect you? How do you manage your resources in times of conflict? How do you protect yourself?

7. Look for new contacts.

Look for people who will keep the conversation going. Including at various conferences and among colleagues. If your company does not have the opportunity to develop the communication skills of employees, look for third-party ways.

Personal psychotherapy also trains this skill. You formulate a problem, build communication with a specialist, develop contact. Moreover, if you have any fears that prevent free communication, you can also explore them in working with a psychologist. nine0003

8. Don't forget self-support.

It is very important to be able and willing to say “stop”, to ask for a break. You have the right not to listen to some aspects of the personal life and emotional experiences of other people. Know your boundaries: how it is possible with you, how it is impossible, where you say “stop”, and where you want to continue communication, despite the clock. Be sure to give yourself time to recover after interacting with someone. Especially if you know that it takes a lot of resources from you. nine0003

Developed communication skills qualitatively change the interaction not only with others, but also with oneself. This builds relationships with loved ones and colleagues, makes it easier to experience emotions and improves overall well-being. The results of regular practices become noticeable not only to you, but also to those around you, which motivates you not to stop on the path of developing universal soft skills.

Additional:

1. Report: The real problems of introverts / Anastasia Kalashnikova https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nOPpf8CsIng

2. Susan Kane / Introverts. How to use your personality traits.

3. Tests and questionnaires:

• Eysenck's temperament test;

• Cattell's 16-factor personality questionnaire;

• Bass-Darkey Hostility Inventory: helps to identify accumulated anger, often manifested in introverted personalities in the form of auto-aggression.

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