I feel like my relationship is falling apart

8 Ways To Fix Your Relationship When It's Falling Apart

For couples who mutually want to try to work things out and ultimately stay together if possible, here's how to save your relationship:


Don't make any rash decisions

Many people enter a particularly rough patch in their relationship—an awful fight or transgression, a grueling and unspoken sex drought, a dysfunctional pattern that has repeated itself one too many times—and begin to head for the exit. But that's giving up too soon, whether out of fear, frustration, or laziness. The truth is, many couples really can work through their difficulties if they're both willing to put in the effort.

"Absent any abuse—substance, alcohol, physical, verbal—I think we have a lot to learn by staying and trying to make things work. We're going to carry any unresolved issues or work into our next relationship [anyway]," certified sex therapist and couples' counselor Jessa Zimmerman tells mbg. "When you have looked at your part of the problem and done your work to change (and feel good about that) and you're still unhappy—that may be time to end the relationship. Avoid the tendency to make rash or sudden decisions in a difficult moment."


Get brutally honest

Don't sit around trying to fix your relationship all by yourself—it just won't work. Get your partner involved if they aren't already: Talk to them honestly about your concerns, and let them know that you're contemplating whether the relationship can really work. Don't threaten them with a breakup, but make sure they truly understand how seriously you're taking these issues.

"Try not to blindside them, especially if you haven't shared those concerns before. Give them a chance to change," Zimmerman says. "Be kind but totally honest. This is the time when there's nothing to lose."

RELATED: How To Make A Relationship Actually Work: 9 Rules To Follow


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Seek therapy

Get some professional help! Both Zimmerman and Margaret Paul, Ph. D., another couples' counselor, emphasize the importance of having an outside expert's perspective, someone who understands the common pitfalls couples fall into and has experience helping them out of them. Paul suggests even going alone if your partner resists the idea of therapy—although attending together is ideal, the insights will be valuable either way.


Understand how you're contributing to the problem

Beware the trap of blame. You can be upset with something your partner is doing, but at the same time, make sure you're taking time to seriously reflect on the ways you've also contributed to the dynamic, negative energy, and problems between you.

"Most people are clear on what their partner is doing that is causing the problems but not clear on what they are doing," Paul tells mbg. "You take yourself with you, which means that you will take with you into your next relationship any unhealed patterns that are your contribution to the problems."

If the problem is less about something either of you is doing to that hurts the other and more about a difference in views or lifestyle, you should both acknowledge this difference—respectfully and without resentment—and consider whether a compromise is reasonable or achievable. (It may not be, and that's OK.)


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Focus on healing yourself

This is separate from just recognizing your own contribution to your relationship's troubled waters. This is about recognizing the inner work you have left to do on yourself.

"Many people who leave are no happier than they were in the relationship," Paul says. "If you have been making your partner responsible for your feelings and you are blaming your partner for your unhappiness, then it likely isn't time to leave. You have your own inner work to do."

Oftentimes, many of the problems that emerge in our lives are directly related to underlying mental or emotional struggles we ourselves have been dealing with all along, Paul says: "If you ignore your feelings, judge yourself, turn to various addictions to numb your feelings, or make your partner responsible for your feelings of worth and safety, then you are rejecting and abandoning yourself, and you have inner work to do to learn to love yourself. People tend to treat us the way we treat ourselves, so focus on how you are treating yourself rather than how your partner is treating you."

During this trying time, you need to love yourself now more than ever. What can you do to manifest more self-love right now?

RELATED: A 6-Step Process To Actually Learn To Love Yourself


Recognize your partner's pain

It's easy to fall into the trap of ruminating over your relationship and getting caught up in your own difficult emotions around it, but relationship and well-being coach Shula Melamed, M.A., MPH, emphasizes the importance of taking time to see things from your partner's perspective. You're not the only one who's struggling right now. Right now, the person you love most is also going through something very painful. Can you find a way to show up and be there for them?

"Turning toward your partner and recognizing their pain can take you out of the attack-defend mode that many unproductive fights take on," Melamed says. "Remembering you are on the same team and [that] the only thing you are fighting for is the relationship to thrive is key. When someone 'wins' an argument, that means that someone has to be a loser—is that how you want to see your partner or have them see themselves?"


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Spend some time reflecting on the good

As you're working to rebuild your relationship, remember to take a breath from focusing on all the bad and spend some time reflecting on the good parts. What are some of your fondest memories together? What things about your partner bring you joy, inspire you, or amaze you? Don't spend all your conversations talking about the heavy stuff, Zimmerman recommends; make a point of trying to have some fun and ease, too.

"Tap into the reasons you got together in the first place—access that love—but also know you can't go back," she says. "Commit to a process with this person to bring your relationship to a new, good place. "

Things were good, once. They can be good again. It may never look exactly the same as it did before; it may very well become even better.


Say "thank you" more often

Don't roll your eyes! When your relationship feels like it's falling apart, it's easy to forget all the good things your partner brings to your life in spite of the ongoing tensions. One simple, ongoing way to make sure you're focusing on the good is to simply make a point of expressing gratitude to your partner each day.

"Instead of taking for granted the things that your partner does on a daily basis to make your life together easier, better, run more efficiently—acknowledge and thank them," Melamed says. "This will strengthen your ability to appreciate one [another] and create an atmosphere where you understand how you collaborate in many ways. It may also inspire you to do more for one another as the positive feedback that comes in creates a positive and more supportive environment."

Say "thank you" out loud when your partner does or says something loving. Convey how grateful you are to them for the work they're putting into this process, for the coffee they brewed you this morning, for picking up the kids after school, for the peck on the cheek they gave you before heading out the door. These words of appreciation, together with small acts of affection, can begin to rejuvenate the positive energy in your relationship.


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Keep these tips in mind as you move forward working with your partner. With dedication, understanding, care, and generosity, you can make it through this turbulent season with time. Remember: On the other side of this winter is spring.\

RELATED: 13 Tips On How To Have A Good, Healthy Relationship

10 Signs Your Relationship Is Falling Apart

In This Article

We have all seen the signs a relationship is falling apart. How often have you gone to a restaurant and watched a couple not speak a word to one another? They stay married for the sake of being married and mechanically go through the daily motions of life.  

These couples have nothing in common and most likely have not embraced each other for years. No affection. No emotion. No warmth between them.

They may have been in love at one time, or maybe they weren’t. The fact is that they are no longer in mutual love. These couples may have grown tired of each other or taken two different paths in life. Many relationships fall flat in what is known as the “convenient” stage of marriage.

This convenient stage of marriage can come from many things:

  • Maybe you were madly in love at one time, but something changed along the way
  • You may have grown and blossomed as a person, and your partner did not
  • Maybe you ultimately sought two different paths in life
  • Possibly one or both of you outgrew each other
  • Or maybe your priorities shifted, and you allowed your connection to take a nosedive

Recognize the early signs your relationship is falling apart and determine whether to fix it – or leave it.  

Why do relationships fall apart?

Relationships can fall apart due to several reasons. Usually, it is not just one reason a relationship would fall apart. It is primarily a combination of several factors. 

  • Loss of trust
  • Lack of communication
  • Lack of respect
  • Lack of intimacy
  • Different priorities
  • Lack of effort

10 signs your relationship is falling apart

How to save your relationship starts with acknowledging the signs your relationship is failing.

1. Lack of intimacy

Lack of sex, intimacy, or touch is one of the first signs of your relationship falling apart. Sex is the glue that cements your relationship as a couple. It’s special and sacred to just the two of you. It’s a powerful act of togetherness that keeps you centered and connected.

Without sex and affection, the two of you have become good pals. A marriage falling apart will exhibit the signs your relationship is falling apart.

2. Poor communication (or none at all)

How to know if your relationship is falling apart? When there is an evident lack of communication.

Lack of daily communication with your partner is one of the signs your relationship is falling apart. When relationships start to crumble, silence is generally one of the first indicators. When loving text messages, emails, and phone calls become scarce or non-existent, it could be time for a relationship check-up.

If you ask whether “my relationship is falling apart?” then bridging the communication gap with your partner is pivotal in understanding how to save a relationship.

3. PDA is non-existent

If your public displays of affection have become public displays of separation, you may have cause for concern. Touch is driven by love. When you are in love, you want to touch your partner.

When sweet kisses, hand holding, and walking arm-in-arm have been replaced by crossed arms and a measurable distance between you, those are obvious signs your relationship is falling apart.

Related Reading: How to Know if You Love Someone: 30 Signs

4. Terms of endearment are rarely used

You will witness an elevated formality with your partner when you feel like your relationship is falling apart. When “Sweetheart,” “Honey,” and “Lover” have been replaced with “Angela,” “Jack,” and “Stacey,” you might want to listen up.

The way your spouse addresses you exudes signs your marriage is falling apart. Love elicits loving terms of endearment. Your boss should call you by name; your partner should not.

What are the reasons that marriages fall apart? Watch this video to know more.

5. No more common interests

Doing activities as a couple strengthens your bond. Mutual interests keep you connected as a couple. When you explore life as a tag team, you look forward to your time together. It’s like being married to your best friend, with the bonus of sex. 

When your relationship is falling apart, the interests you once enjoyed together might have become strictly solo adventures. 

What to do when your relationship falls apart from a lack of common interests?

Well, you may need to restructure your interests to merge back together as a couple. How to fix a relationship that’s falling apart sometimes necessitates putting the interests of your partner before yours.

With a fragment of love and attraction still felt by both of you, your relationship may require a bit of polishing to reboot and get back on track.

Related Reading: 30 Couple Bonding Activities to Strengthen the Relationship

6. You don’t spend time together

All date nights and quality time together are now almost non-existent. You both have stopped spending any time together. Even if you live in the same house or room, there are barely any conversations.

Related Reading: 11 Ways to Spend Some Quality Time With Your Partner

7. You keep secrets

How much do you both know about each other’s lives at this point? If the answer to that is “not much,” chances are that, unfortunately, your relationship is falling apart. 

If either of you are doing things you do not want the other to find out or are just secretive because you do not want them to be a part of your life, it could be one of the signs.

8. You lose your temper easily

If everything your partner does has started to irk you, it could be one of the signs that your relationship is falling apart. The little endearing things about them have become the most annoying bits of their personality. 

9. You’ve run out of compromises

Compromises are a part of relationships. Now and then, one person compromises to make sure the relationship remains healthy and smooth. However, if one partner starts to feel like they are the only one who compromises for the sake of the relationship or feels like they have run out of them, it could be one of the signs your relationship is falling apart.

10. You lose your sense of self

If the relationship encroaches upon your sense of self – your self-respect, individuality, or self-worth, it could be one of the signs that your relationship is falling apart. If you are not happy and satisfied as an individual, it gets tough to be happy in a relationship.

Once you determine if an aspect of attraction is left in your relationship, how do you go about pulling your relationship out of the fix-it stage? Easy! You put in the effort.

What to do when your relationship is failing

How to save your relationship from falling apart? You rearrange your priorities, so your partner comes first (before your friends, the kids, or the dog), like when dating. You will need to look outside of you to find the current signs your relationship is falling apart.

If there is still some morsel of desirability and you are just going through a rough patch or have become disconnected as a couple, it may not be necessary to end the marriage. If you passed the two-pronged “Dang Factor” test, there is hope for love resurrection, and it is time to get serious about bringing good love back into your life. This is one of the ways to fix a relationship.

If one or both of you choose not to put effort into revitalizing your once fun and sexy marriage, you could end up divorced. You both need to be prepared for this and the realization that you could lose an otherwise incredible love when all that was needed was a bit of polishing and effort.

Related Reading: 10 Most Common Reasons for Divorce

The bottom line

Recurring signs your relationship is falling apart usually have straightforward solutions; just don’t let your ego get in the way.

I cannot stress enough the importance of putting in the effort to save your relationship, if and only if you both have some crumb of attraction left for your partner. To fix and revive your once-felt attraction and devotion, both partners must feel (and want) some potential hope for love revival.



21 signs that your relationship is going to hell

September 21, 2021 Relationship

No one promised that relationships are easy. But this does not mean that meeting or living with another person should resemble an endless hell.

Iya Zorina

Author of Lifehacker, athlete, CCM

Knowing when to quit and when to move on is the key to emotional survival.

Until we are 200% sure that the relationship is over, we continue to believe in it. This is understandable, because in a few years (or months) we become so attached to a person, we can say “grow into” him, that it is very painful to part. It is clear that you are trying to save the relationship: there is always hope that they will change for the better.

Not everyone has the courage to break up a relationship the moment it really ends. Here are 21 signs that "finita la comedy" if it has not yet arrived, then it is already very, very close. If at least four points out of all you say: “This is about us,” think about parting more seriously than usual.

1. Resentment

You are constantly offended by your partner, but do not say anything. You think that this is how you save your relationship, but in fact you only delay that unpleasant moment when all the accumulated negativity breaks out and your relationship ends in a painful break.

Resentment does not go away, especially if the factors that cause it do not disappear. If it does not splash out, then it accumulates inside, and this causes stress and illness. And, of course, destroys relationships - slowly but surely.

2. Disrespect

If you and your partner have reached the point where you show mutual disrespect, it's time to destroy your illusions. There is nothing easier than to stop being attached to someone who shows you disrespect.

People can continue to live together without respect and awareness of the value of each other, which leads to absolute indifference about the needs and desires of a partner. Well, what kind of continuation can we talk about?

3. Contempt

It doesn't matter what motives caused contempt, be it a failed career, a change in appearance or something else. Partners should support each other in any situation, because isn't this warmth we need so much under any circumstances, and especially during some personal problems.

If you start treating each other with contempt, you no longer get warmth from relationships and you live not with a friend who understands, but with a cold being who condemns you, why continue this?

4. Lies

I'm talking about that lie when you tell a person "I love you" without experiencing any feelings. You are afraid of hurting him, but you are not really protecting him, but only making it worse. The truth will come out: you cannot lie all your life and at the same time not spoil it for yourself and your partner.

Well, if you say to yourself: “We are happy, I am happy, everything is fine with us”, when you feel that everything has already ended for you, this is also an escape from reality.

Check 🤥

  • 7 signs by which you can catch a liar

5. Distrust

If you do not trust your partner, then there are reasons for this. If they are so serious that trust cannot be restored, why stay with this person? All my life to check, worry and waste my nerves?

6. Swearing in public

Anything good you can say about your partner can be said in public. And all the bad things are better left for personal conversations. To scold a person in public means to achieve only a negative response or hidden resentment.

In addition, if you scold your partner in public or even just allow yourself unpleasant jokes about him, it means that dissatisfaction is growing inside, which has already begun to spill out.

7. Withdrawal

If you often look for a way to be away from your partner and consciously try to avoid contact and intimacy, it's time to get rid of it.

You have already severed the emotional connection with your partner and thus gently let him know that it's over. Maybe it's better to do it right away, and not to produce suffering and doubts?

8. Demanding evidence of love

“If you love me, you…” It is very tempting to manage a person's life in this way, and if you hear this phrase from time to time, then something has gone wrong.

The only person who can change his feelings is himself, and some of your actions have nothing to do with it.

Well, if you yourself say so, think about whether you really need this person, will he become loved if he does something? And is it possible to manipulate someone you really love?

9. Public humiliation

If your partner has humiliated you in public once, he will most likely do it again and again. And it does not matter that he drank a lot that evening or he was in a bad mood.

Public humiliation of a partner speaks only of deep self-hatred, and no matter how much love you give to this person, it will not fix the situation without his firm desire to change and work with his self-esteem. And this is difficult not only to correct, but even to admit.

Watch out 🙅🏻‍♀️

  • 10 signs you are dating a psychopath

10. Obsession with another person

sooner or later it will lead to a break.

Of course, this does not mean that partners should completely immerse themselves in each other and give all their energy to only one person, but obsession with someone else is fraught with suspicion, jealousy and resentment.

Yes, your partner is obviously missing something in your relationship if he is so attracted to another person, but you can hardly give him that. And certainly you should not change yourself for the sake of another person.

11. Obsession with pornography

There is nothing strange or wrong with partners watching porn together. Some kind of voyeurism helps to get turned on and find something new to try later in bed with a partner.

But if one of the partners is obsessed with pornography, complete satisfaction will always elude him: in pursuit of the Grail of multiple orgasms, he may end up on the path of sexual perversion.

So, if you are not satisfied with such scenarios, think about both the root cause of this obsession and the possible consequences.

12. Emotional infidelity

Some people believe that monogamy is the only possible relationship, for others it is difficult and almost impossible.

If you cheated for the sake of a variety of sexual experiences, the relationship can still be saved, but if there is an emotional attachment to the person with whom you had an intimate relationship, it is time to end the relationship.

The first question people ask when they find out about their partner's infidelity is: "Do you love him/her?" Because it is the emotional, and not the physical connection, that is the core of the relationship, and if it is gone, then you have nothing more to do here.

13. Inability to end the conflict

It starts as an endless struggle without consensus, which gradually develops into "as you wish", when the partners no longer care about the results of their struggle.

There is a rule: never go to bed offended by each other. And there is definitely something in it.

If none of the partners can pacify their pride and desire to always be the winner in the dispute, cannot agree to a truce without achieving their goal, these relations have no continuation.

Take note 👿

  • 7 ways to properly resolve conflicts in relationships

14. Subconscious

If you unconsciously do things that harm your relationship, it is your psyche that tells you what you really need.

You can think whatever you want, but your actions speak of real desires better than all your assurances and hopes.

15. Obsession

If your partner has an obsession with, for example, alcohol or substances, he/she is a shopaholic, gambler, workaholic, or obsessed with sex, you will always be in second or even fifth place and will not get the emotional connection that I would like to.

If you don't have an obsession with something, your partner's addiction can ruin not only his life, but yours as well. Not a very pleasant prospect.

16. Painful attachment to former

If your partner is still more than close to a former lover or husband/wife, it destroys the relationship.

Former partners should be respected, especially if you have common children, but the first role is still assigned to the current partner. If this does not happen, it is easy to feel secondary and unnecessary, and this is a direct path to a breakup.

17. Threats and emotional blackmail

This is a clear sign of an unhealthy relationship. Emotional blackmail is often presented as intense love, but it is actually control. And control, in turn, is an abuse of feelings. You have to run as far away from it as you can see.

18. Constant comparison and ratings

Does your partner compare you to those who look more attractive, earn more, are smarter and more interesting than you? This is one form of humiliation. If someone thinks that the grass is greener in someone else's yard, let him go there.

People are unique beings, although they are similar in many ways. You shouldn't compare yourself, let alone listen to it from your partner.

19. Indifference

Why stay together if you don't care about each other?

20. Loss of attachment

There's nothing wrong with wanting a roommate, but if you want more from a relationship, don't stay with a partner who isn't your one and only. Don't just stay because it's convenient for you.

21. Physical violence

There are no excuses, no explanations, circumstances and promises do not matter. You just have to leave.

In general, conflicts in relationships are a way to get rid of pain, but their causes may vary. It can be a way to open the boil of dissatisfaction and resentment that has arisen in a relationship in order to clean out the wound, remove what is in the way, and save the relationship.

But it also happens differently, when conflicts are a way to break off relationships, to tell the other person that they are over, that it is no longer worth tormenting each other.

And it is better to learn to distinguish one conflict from another, otherwise it will be painful and bad for both partners.

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  • How to survive a breakup0001

    Not all couples are destined to live "happily ever after", and separation or divorce is just a matter of time. Sometimes a quick break in relations can be noticeable even to other people - and now we will not talk about grandmothers at the entrance, but about professional family psychotherapists.

    In early January, an interesting thread appeared on Reddit, which collected more than seven thousand (!) comments. The author of the thread, a user with the nickname Gnerdy, asked couples therapists about the signals they know that indicate that something is going very wrong in a relationship (or about to go).

    The commenters didn't disappoint, so keep a 'wake-up call' checklist for those in a relationship - if you notice something like this in yourself, it might be time to change, rethink, or reach out. to a specialist.

    When one person is completely dependent on another, especially at a fairly young age, it is financially and emotionally dependent. As a rule, these are young girls (although sometimes there are also young guys) who do not work, they do not have children, they sit at home all day, they have no friends or hobbies other than spending time with their partner. It's very unhealthy and it's a huge red flag.

    As a rule, everything ends in a painful and ugly parting. In such cases, we try to help such people make friends, join a community, find a job, get a volunteer job - do something that will help them increase their self-esteem and fulfill themselves outside of relationships‎.


    When one person says they need my help to figure out if they want to keep the relationship and another says they need help to help them keep the relationship‎.


    Over control. I often meet people who ask their partner to send a photo in which he shows a certain number of fingers to prove that this photo was taken in real time. This is an abuse.


    Couples who have agreed on the principle of "you to me - I to you". For example: "I cheated on you, so you can spend one night with whoever you want."

    Or "I betrayed your trust and used drugs, so now you can go and do whatever you want once." This destroys trust and leads to the fact that resentment only accumulates.


    When I see couples in which one or both partners are trying to change something fundamentally significant in each other. In these cases, we figure out where the need for change came from, and the person they want to change evaluates how significant this is for him. We work on acceptance and tolerance towards other people.


    "We keep the relationship for the kids‎" - this leads to unhealthy attitudes that cause the couple to perceive their children as a burden and believe that if they maintain their unhealthy relationship, the children somehow have everything will be good.

    Children are smarter than we think, and if mom and dad don't love each other, they feel it. If you really care so much about the future of your children, then either fix your relationship or end it.


    People who come to therapy thinking they have to convince the therapist that they are right and their partner is wrong. It looks like they are complaining about their partner to their boss to sort out their problems‎.


    One of the biggest red flags I see when working with a young couple is that they don't remember anything good at all. Part of family therapy is to remind partners of what they like about each other, what attracted them to each other in the first place, and what is good between them.

    When people come in and they've been unhappy in a relationship for so long that they can't remember what it's like to be in love with each other, their relationship is basically hopeless. You don't have to be happy for therapy to be effective, but if you can't even remember anything good, then the good is probably over.


    Breach. A little bit of boundary checking is fine, but repeated boundary violations are a big red flag. Guys, understanding your boundaries, the ability to set and defend them are very important for your personal well-being. Also, learn to respect the boundaries of others.

    Borders don't have to be permanent, they can change, but sometimes they change because you've earned access to it or lost it.

    For example, stick to your routine. If you go to bed at 9pm and wake up for work at 5am, keep doing it. A decent person will respect it. In the event that a person tries to break through these boundaries, it means that things are not going very well.

    It might look like: "Hey, stay up, talk to me, I'm lonely" or "So romantic to talk all night long". If you are not 15 years old, then this is not very romantic. Because of this, you are only more tired and it becomes more difficult for you to critically look at your relationship. If your partner is teasing you and making fun of your routine, then chances are your values ​​are very different. It's not about who's right and who's wrong - you just have different views.


    I'll just say that if you find yourself yelling, "I'm not fucking yelling at you!", then you might have a communication problem.


    Active independence from each other is for me the main sign that the marriage has gone downhill. As soon as I see partners doing everything separately, such as taking out a car loan or planning trips, without even consulting each other, I understand that this couple is already doomed‎.


    Very conflicting relationship. If frequent and intense conflicts started a few months (or less) after the start of the relationship, and continue, couples therapy will be a real farce and will not work. It doesn't matter if the conflict continues all the time or is interrupted occasionally. This is not only my opinion, there are studies that confirm this.


    Constant, pointless escalation of conflicts. When "I don't think we should buy this expensive thing‎" turns into "You don't love me!‎" it's a big problem.‎


    In my experience, strong and healthy relationships are built on two very important qualities: trust and respect. Love is not on this list because love does not define a strong and healthy relationship. There can be dysfunctional relationships between people in love. And loving someone is not the only reason to stay in a relationship.

    Many of the clients I have worked with have been in very dysfunctional relationships that they have maintained purely out of love but continued to suffer because they lacked trust and respect. Without these qualities, most relationships are doomed to suffer or fail.


    Parents too involved on both sides. When a person is closer to his parents than to his partner and calls them on the speakerphone during conflicts, or when he speaks badly of his partner in front of his parents, I usually see such couples living in an unhappy marriage for years.

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