Hurt my feelings meaning

You Hurt My Feelings - Kevin A. Thompson

Jan 242014 Kevin A. Thompson » Communication, Leadership, Life, Marriage, Parenting 36 Responses

There is no greater trump card in today’s society than “You hurt my feelings.” It’s the phrase announcing that you have crossed the line. I am the victim; you are the perpetrator. (To see how this plays out in families or organizations, see: I Know Who Is In Charge of Your Family)

Everything must stop because you have gone out of bounds.

There are only two problems with this phrase:

1) You can’t hurt my feelings. That’s why they are called my feelings. I’m in charge of them; they belong to me. It’s my choice as to what hurts them. You do not control me. I can choose to have my feelings hurt by something you do, but you cannot hurt my feelings.

2) Maybe my feelings needed to be hurt. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe I was selfish. Maybe your action is offensive to me because I need to be offended. The funny thing about saying “You hurt my feelings” is that it implies “What you did was wrong,” but it only implies it was wrong because my feelings were hurt. Maybe your action was right even though I got my feelings hurt. Maybe it was my guilt or shame that led to the feeling of hurt. (See: Sometimes You Need to Be a Jerk)

“You hurt my feelings” is a phrase we should never use. We shouldn’t use it because it isn’t true. It’s a confession of our own mistake of allowing another person to control us.

Instead, we should start telling the truth:

  • “I was upset by what happened.”
  • “I was disappointed by your actions.”
  • “I felt hurt because of what you did.”

These are all true statements. They communicate the hurt while taking responsibility for ourselves. (See: If This Offends You, I’m Not Sorry)

Yet even if you could hurt my feelings, this phrase shouldn’t be used because it places feelings above truth. It gives the impression that we should honor feelings above all other things.

This simply isn’t true.

Feelings are important, but there are things far more important. Truth, value, justice, right/wrong are all more vital than a temporary emotion.

Instead of saying “You hurt my feelings,” we could say:

  • “What you said wasn’t true.”
  • “What you did wasn’t right.”
  • “This didn’t communicate the whole story.”
  • “That was not necessary.”

These statements value ideals which are more important than feelings. They don’t diminish feelings, but feelings can’t be debated. You feel what you feel. The horrific downside of making feelings as the ultimate trump card in society is that we are asking people to debate things which shouldn’t be debated. If what you did was right, but the action hurt my feelings and I think you are wrong because “You hurt my feelings,” I am forcing you to debate how I feel. It’s an impossible situation.

We should never debate the feelings of another. We should accept them for what they are. It is not our job to question, doubt, or change another person’s feelings. We should listen and value what another person feels. It is our job to question, doubt, or change our actions. But those actions should be determined by what is right, valuable, and true rather than what a person feels in response to them.

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Hurt Feelings Do Not Mean You Did Something Wrong

When someone’s feelings get hurt, it doesn’t automatically mean someone did something wrong.

When someone’s feelings get hurt, it doesn’t automatically mean someone did something wrong.

When someone’s feelings get hurt, it doesn’t automatically mean someone did something wrong.

I was recently visiting with a friend and she shared a story about a blowout fight she had with her husband. Being a therapist, I’ve grown used to this over the years.

The story went like this. Someone accidentally moved her chair as she was going to sit down at work, causing her to fall and hit her neck against a desk. As a result, her range of motion was limited and it was very painful for her to turn her head.

After her fall, she and her husband had been driving on the freeway and as he was trying to make a last-second lane change, he asked her to check out the passenger side window for cars. She said she felt disregarded because he knew she was in pain, and his request only made it worse.

She called him a name that I won’t repeat here.

“If the roles were reversed, I would have been in the right lane way ahead of time so that I didn’t cause him pain. I was so mad at him,” she told me.

What’s wrong with her complaint?

Not a thing, but what you’re not hearing is her history of feeling like her needs don’t matter and like she is less important than others. As the youngest child from a large family that struggled financially, decisions were always made based on what was best for the larger unit, and her needs were often ignored because the bigger picture was, at times, quite dire. So, she is sensitive to situations where her needs are not acknowledged.

I’m reminded of the quote from William Faulker: “The past isn’t dead. It isn’t even past.”

Triggers are normal

Here’s the kicker. This is a trigger for her. Triggers are normal, enduring vulnerabilities from moments in our past that escalate interactions in the present. They are normal because we all have them, and while their impact can be managed, they can rarely be eliminated.

Does this mean her husband did something wrong? Nope.

Is she just being overly sensitive? Nope.

It’s just not his trigger, so it didn’t occur to him that it could be an issue.

Further, when we only know what is happening in one person’s subjective reality, it is pretty easy to feel indignant on their behalf. But here’s the reality about subjective realities: all points of view are valid.

From his perspective, he grew up in a hardworking family where people worked through their pain and didn’t complain. His parents coached his sports teams, drove him to hockey at any ungodly hour of the morning, knew the names and phone numbers of all his friends, and taught him that he could be whatever he aspired to be.

They also yelled a lot and demanded what they wanted or needed. So because she had not clearly stated that being upright in a moving vehicle was causing lots of pain for her and that she really needed him to bubble wrap her in love, it didn’t occur to him that he was asking too much.

Hurt feelings are normal

In the grand scheme of life, this situation feels trivial. So why is it so important for the couple to talk about it? Because when someone’s feelings get hurt in marriage, it doesn’t automatically mean someone did something wrong. It just means feelings got hurt. It’s how couples manage it that matters.

In a perfect world, her husband would have been more careful about his driving and she would have been more clear at the beginning of the drive about her pain. But these things didn’t happen, so her feelings got hurt, then she got contemptuous towards him, and his feelings got hurt.

This is not actually an argument – it’s what we call a regrettable incident. Even the best couples have them. In our couples workshops and in session, we teach couples how to repair after an interaction like this. Can you easily list examples like this from your own relationship?

Masters of Relationships repair early and often. They remember their partner’s triggers and they respect them. You are not a Disaster because you had a regrettable incident, but you might be or become one if you don’t repair.

Dr. Julie Gottman says that “within every regrettable incident is a conversation the couple still needs to have.” We call this a recovery conversation.

All it would have taken for this couple is for one of them to say, “I can see why your feelings got hurt. I am sorry it happened. Your feelings matter to me.” This is relationship repair that works. ="wpforms-"]

Meaning, Definition, Suggestions . What is it like to hurt feelings

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The meaning of the word "HURT"

Inflict (-wear) a wound on someone.

See all meanings of FEELING

Sentences with hurt feelings

Sometimes even kindness can hurt feelings.

I could be a callous cynic like you too... but I don't like hurting people's feelings.

I thought it was a good way to cool her impulses and not hurt her feelings.

No, we... we just didn't want to hurt Scarlett's feelings.

Other results

You were just hiding behind Reagan, and now that the band-aid has fallen off, you are pouring salt on the open wound of feelings for Karma.

I did not faint and could give the necessary order to dress the wound in the best way we could.

Denial, repression, isolation - but sooner or later you will tell me the truth.

Personally, I think it was amazing. No accusations, no hurt feelings.

Now you can withdraw the offer without hurting anyone's feelings.

All I want for my birthday is not to hurt anyone's feelings, okay?

Others, such as Otto Rank and Lord Raglan, describe the characters' narrative patterns in terms of Freudian psychoanalysis and ritualistic sentiment.

The damages in the Aquila suit are not intended to soothe hurt feelings or compensate for inconvenience, discomfort, or annoyance.

Because we knew it would hurt your feelings

He had never spoken such sentimental phrases before, but he realized that my feelings were hurt.

Awaken passionate feelings or finish what you started earlier.

Frank awakened feelings in her that she had never known before.

And I don't know how to express my opinion without hurting my students' feelings.

I didn't understand this before, but the primer is like our feelings.

I would clap, but I don't want to hurt your feelings.

Okay, look, I don't want to hurt your feelings, I'm just trying to keep you from getting frustrated.

It would have been much easier if I had realized this earlier, but unfortunately my feelings were revealed dramatically.

So you did it out of false motives so as not to hurt his feelings!

I suggested an elegant option so as not to hurt my feelings, and you are killing me with facts.

Before she had time to recover from one loss, another followed, not replacing one grief with another, but reopening barely healed wounds and feelings.

Believe me, Uncle George, it was only kindred feelings that brought me to you at this early hour.

I bet you were sent to earth to hurt people's feelings.

I wanted to tell you that when you call me a gargoyle, a troll, or a homunculus, it kind of hurts my feelings.

I hurt your feelings and you punish me this way?

For a while he stood silently, experiencing feelings that he had never known before.

I used to pray to God every night to take me apart and put me back together in a slightly different way so that my feelings would change.

This page provides the definition (meaning) of the phrase / expression "to hurt feelings", as well as synonyms, antonyms and sentences, if any in our database. We strive to make the English-Grammar.Biz explanatory dictionary, including the interpretation of the phrase / expression "hurt feelings", as correct and informative as possible. If you have suggestions or comments about the correctness of the definition of "hurt feelings", please write to us in the "Feedback" section.

From an excess of feelings: what does it mean to be vulnerable in the modern world

Sensitivity is a quality that can be considered both a punishment and a gift of fate, says Danish psychotherapist Ilse Sand. In her book Close to the Heart: How to Live if You're Too Sensitive, she tells how it is for vulnerable people and with vulnerable people. Forbes publishes an excerpt from the chapter "How to deal with anger - others and your own"

In June, Alpina Publisher published a book by Danish writer and psychotherapist Ilse Sand "Close to the heart: how to live if you are too sensitive person. " The book in a silky soft-touch cover (for especially sensitive readers) tells how life is for those who do not meet the standards accepted in society, are too soft and vulnerable, “but it was also written for people with a normal level of sensitivity, since life often brings them extremely impressionable personalities,” the author adds.

How Sensitive People React to Anger

Sensitive people usually have a hard time suppressing anger or anger. Anger is a strong feeling; once in its power, we immediately lose the ability to empathize and draw objective conclusions.

A short quarrel, which acts like a refreshing cool shower on some people, is very expensive for hypersensitive individuals, for a long time bringing their nervous system out of a state of fragile balance.

Most likely, it is also difficult for you to cope with your anger, and you yourself suffer from it first of all. The fact is that you notice not only your own feelings, but also other people's experiences, therefore, when you hurt another person, you get upset yourself. This can have an unusually strong effect on you, and you will suffer from shame and guilt for a long time to come. Hypersensitive people are often—and rightly so—believed to be non-aggressive. The reason is clear: we simply do not want to enter into a conflict. We will still lose - it cannot be otherwise. The winners in short quarrels and skirmishes are those who do not particularly care about ethical rules. The winner is the one who does not shun any tricks, who does not care about the feelings of the enemy.

If you are hypersensitive, you often consider yourself the loser, because during a quarrel you are not able to compromise your moral principles. It's like playing a game in which you build obstacles in front of yourself.

But you endure long periods of anger much better. Faced with someone else's anger, you become silent, lost, and for some time you simply do not talk to the offender. But a couple of days later, you return to it and explain in detail what thoughts and feelings you experience, and which you don’t want to experience anymore.

The fact that highly sensitive people are concerned about moral values ​​and principles does not mean that they leave everyone else, less sensitive, indifferent. And, of course, this does not indicate that each of us has his own morality. However, life becomes much easier if you consider the world to be kind, and you come to such an opinion faster when you yourself strive to be kind. Therefore, we try not to incur the wrath of others, not to answer them with anger, so as not to upset them with our behavior.

Many of the highly sensitive people I've talked to over the years of my practice told me that they don't know how to deal with anger. Relatives, friends and psychologists often advise them to respond with anger to anger in order to assert themselves in this way. But as a result of careful analysis of the reactions of my interlocutors, I found out that they have their own, completely different strategy.

I used to work in the credit department of a bank. My responsibilities included approving loan agreements drawn up by my colleagues. Quite often they would bring me a contract at three in the afternoon and demand that I approve it on the same day, because they promised this to the client. Such situations terribly angered me, because in such cases I had to work overtime.

I was completely exhausted from such a load. It was time to put an end to this. I asked colleagues not to do this again, but to no avail. Not having the habit of raising my voice and swearing, I decided to act differently. And at the morning meeting, she said that the one who brings me a fixed-term contract at the end of the working day will be obliged to relieve me of some other duties. But I won't work overtime anymore. It worked. Colleagues approved the idea, and the number of fixed-term contracts dropped sharply.

As an illustration of my words, I will cite a story told by one of my hypersensitive acquaintances.

  • I used to see a psychotherapist who once tried to make me really angry. She thought it would make me feel better if I dropped my shyness and became more aggressive. I agreed, hoping in my heart that, having learned to splash out anger, I could more easily achieve what I wanted. But now I understand that if the arguments expressed in a calm tone do not help, then loud indignation will not work either. Usually in such situations you are not able to influence your opponent or opponent at all, simply because he is unwilling or unable to meet your demands. Now I would definitely refuse to learn aggressiveness, although the therapist, of course, suggested this for my own good. Subsequently, I noticed more than once that sometimes it is enough to raise your voice to get your way, but I have not the slightest desire to achieve goals in this way. Henryk, 48

This story is far from the only example of the arrogance of psychotherapists who try to get hypersensitive people to sacrifice politeness for more primitive behavioral tactics.

Quarrels for hypersensitive people only harm them. Such outbursts of anger are very exhausting; in this state we become defenseless, lose the ability to think objectively and find ourselves at the mercy of the enemy. As a psychotherapist, I often help couples develop a strategy to use when a fight is brewing. For example, you can say: "Break!" and agree on a time when you will be ready to return to the discussion of the problem, and during the break, work or take a walk alone.

It used to be thought that anger could be got rid of by giving it an outlet. That is, if you are angry, you need to beat the pillow well. This misconception is shared by some psychotherapists, despite the fact that aggressive gestures not only fuel anger, but also increase it. It will be much more useful to simply tell someone about your experiences or do some exercises that allow you to relax.

Use the opportunity to empathize and reflect

I have created a classification of types of anger based on the causes that cause it - and depending on them, I propose various behavioral strategies. This classification will help those who do not like quarrels and try to avoid them. I elaborate on this in New Paths in the Labyrinth of Feelings, where I explain, among other things, how to use your reasoning skills to find the simplest conflict resolution strategy.

The ability to empathize can also come in handy. Often, anger overrides and suppresses other, more subtle and hidden feelings experienced at that moment by a person. As a rule, hypersensitive people have a talent for recognizing them, and this talent can be useful. If you understand how the interlocutor is really feeling, you will have the opportunity to help him release his anger.

The cause of anger or anger is an unsatisfied desire or need. And your own anger is no exception. First, try to find out what is the reason for it. Perhaps it is enough just to ask out loud - and your request will be granted. You can suggest this method to other people, for which one simple question will be enough, for example: “How can I help you?” Learn to voice your own desires - and even in cases where you know that the interlocutor is unwilling or unable to fulfill them.

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