How to overcome shyness and insecurity

Shyness (for Teens) - Nemours KidsHealth

Some people welcome new experiences and new people. They look forward to any opportunity to socialize. They're often the first to introduce themselves and they jump into a conversation easily. Other people are quiet and shy, and prefer to warm up slowly to new people or situations.

What Is Shyness?

Shyness is an emotion that affects how a person feels and behaves around others. Shyness can mean feeling uncomfortable, self-conscious, nervous, bashful, timid, or insecure. People who feel shy sometimes notice physical sensations like blushing or feeling speechless, shaky, or breathless.

Shyness is the opposite of being at ease with yourself around others. When people feel shy, they might hesitate to say or do something because they're feeling unsure of themselves and they're not ready to be noticed.

Reacting to New Things

New and unfamiliar situations can bring out shy feelings — like the first day of school, meeting someone new, or speaking in front of a group for the first time. People are more likely to feel shy when they're not sure how to act, don't know how others will react, or when attention is on them. People are less likely to feel shy in situations where they know what to expect, feel sure of what to do or say, or are among familiar people.

Like other emotions, shy feelings can be mild, medium, or intense — depending on the situation and the person. Someone who usually or often feels shy might think of himself or herself as a shy person. People who are shy may need more time to get used to change. They might prefer to stick with what's familiar.

People who are shy often hesitate before trying something new. They often prefer watching others before joining in on a group activity. They usually take longer to warm up to new people and situations.

Sometimes being quiet and introverted is a sign that someone has a naturally shy personality. But that's not always the case. Being quiet is not always the same as being shy.

Why Are Some People Shy?

Shyness is partly a result of genes a person has inherited. It's also influenced by behaviors they've learned, the ways people have reacted to their shyness, and life experiences they've had.

Genetics. Our genes determine our physical traits, like height, eye color, skin color, and body type. But genes also influence certain personality traits, including shyness. About 20% of people have a genetic tendency to be naturally shy. But not everyone with a genetic tendency to be shy develops a shy temperament. Life experiences also play a role.
Life experiences. When people are faced with a situation that may lead them to feel shy, how they deal with that situation can shape their future reactions to similar situations. For example, if people who are shy approach new things little by little, it can help them become more confident and comfortable. But if they feel pushed into situations they don't feel prepared for, or if they are teased or bullied, it can make them even more shy.
The examples other people set can also play a role in whether a person learns to be shy or not. If the parents of a shy child are overly cautious or overprotective, it can teach the child to back away from situations that might be uncomfortable or unfamiliar.

Shy Strength

Many people want to reduce their shyness. But people who are naturally shy also have gifts that they might not appreciate in themselves. For example, because shy people may prefer listening to talking, they sometimes become really good listeners (and what friend doesn't appreciate that?!).

People who are shy might also become sensitive to other people's feelings and emotions. Because of their sensitivity and listening skills, many people with a shy personality are especially caring toward others, and interested in how others feel. People often consider them the finest friends.

Of course, some people want to feel less shy so they can have more fun socializing and being themselves around others. If you're trying to become less shy, it can help to remember:

Overcoming shyness takes practice. People who are shy tend to give themselves fewer chances to practice social behaviors. It's no wonder that people who shy away from socializing don't feel as socially confident as those who are outgoing — they have less practice! The more you practice social behaviors, the easier they get, and the more natural they feel for you.
Take slow, steady steps forward. Going slow is OK. But be sure to go forward. Stepping back from any situations that might trigger you to feel shy can reinforce shyness and keep it at a level that's hard to get past. Build confidence by taking one small forward step at a time.
It's OK to feel awkward. Everyone does sometimes. People who are shy are often afraid to feel awkward or uncomfortable. But don't let that keep you from doing what you want. You might feel awkward asking your crush for a first date. That's perfectly natural. Whether your crush says yes — or no — is out of your control. But not asking at all means you'll never get that date. So go for it anyway!

Know that you can do it. Plenty of people learn to manage their shyness. Know that you can, too.

When Shyness Is Extreme

Most naturally shy people can learn to manage their shyness so that it doesn't interfere with what they enjoy doing. They learn to warm up to new people and situations. They develop their friendliness and confidence and get past shy feelings.

But for a few people, shy feelings can be extreme and can seem hard to conquer. When shy feelings are this strong, they prevent a person from interacting, participating in class, and socializing. Instead of warming up after a while, someone with extreme shyness has shy feelings that build into a powerful fear. This can cause a person to avoid social situations and hold back on trying new things or making new friends. Extreme shyness can make it uncomfortable — and seem impossible — to talk to classmates or teachers.

Because extreme shyness can interfere with socializing, it can also affect a person's self-confidence and self-esteem. And it can prevent someone from taking advantage of opportunities or trying new things. Extreme feelings of shyness are often a sign of an anxiety condition called social phobia. People with social phobia often need the help of a therapist to overcome extreme shyness.

Someone with social phobia — or extreme shyness — can overcome it! It takes time, patience, courage, and practice. But it's worth the hard work. The payoff is enjoying more friends, having more fun, and feeling more confident.

Be True to Yourself

We can't change our true inner nature (and who would want to?). If you have a naturally shy style, or if shyness holds you back, you might have to work at developing a sense of ease around new people.

Most people find that the more they practice socializing, the easier it gets. Practicing social skills — like assertiveness; conversation; and friendly, confident body language — can help people overcome shyness, build confidence, and get more enjoyment from everyday experiences.

Reviewed by: Colleen Sherman, PhD

Date reviewed: October 2020

How to Stop Being Shy: 12 Tips for Socializing

If you have a lifetime of shyness under your belt, you’ve probably heard of well-intentioned guidance:

“All you have to do is smile, and say hello!”
“Just go talk to them. They won’t bite.”
“Stop overthinking everything.”

This advice, of course, often comes from people who have little (if any) experience with shyness themselves. Chronic shyness goes beyond the brief feelings of uneasiness and nervousness most people experience in certain situations, like the first day of a new job.

Truly shy people tend to feel self-conscious and uncomfortable in most social situations.

Maybe the thought of meeting new people leaves you shaky, sweaty, and nauseous. You doubt other people have any interest in you, and, during conversations, you worry what the other person thinks about you.

In short, shyness isn’t something you can cast off simply by pasting on a smile.

Shyness usually doesn’t disappear on its own, but the 12 strategies below can help you take steps toward feeling more comfortable around others and with yourself.

Experts generally agree that shyness develops in response to a combination of factors, like:

genetics
childhood environment
life experiences

Parenting tactics, for example, may drive shyness.

If your parents:

Over-emphasized potential dangers: You might grow up approaching unknown people and situations with extreme caution and reserve.
Set strict rules around what you could and couldn’t do: You might feel uncomfortable stepping beyond those limits, even in adulthood.
Were shy or anxious themselves: You probably observed and eventually began to model this response.

Instability in your environment can also contribute, like:

moving often
experiencing bullying
living in an unsafe neighborhood
going through major family dynamic changes due to divorce or death

Any of these factors can have an impact on how you handle social interactions.

Shyness can also develop in adolescence and adulthood. If you faced rejection from your peers or teachers and supervisors singled you out for criticism, it’s only natural you might begin to fear the possibility of similarly humiliating experiences in the future.

Working to uncover where shyness comes from can help you find the right tools to reshape your fear.

People often think of shyness, social anxiety, and introversion as the same thing.

Some shy people do meet the criteria for social anxiety disorder (or introversion, or both). That said, social anxiety is a mental health condition, while shyness is not.

Social anxiety involves a persistent fear of rejection, disapproval, and criticism from others. This fear might become overwhelming enough that you begin avoiding social settings entirely.

If you’re shy, you might feel uncomfortable around new people at first, but find it easier to interact the more you get to know them. Shyness won’t necessarily cause the intense distress that social anxiety does.

It’s also possible that people assume you’re shy when you simply prefer your own company.

If you’re introverted, you might not have any trouble socializing — when you’re in the mood to be social, that is.

You don’t avoid other people because you feel self-conscious or worry what they think about you. You choose to spend time alone, because you need a good dose of solitude to feel your best.

Take a moment to consider shyness from an evolutionary perspective.

If you were outgoing, you might have ventured out to explore new areas, find resources, and interact with other communities. If you were shy, you might have stayed close to home to avoid possible threats.

Both roles are necessary. But, while exploration might help you make new discoveries, it also puts you in the path of potential dangers. Sticking to one place keeps you safe.

That said, it can be helpful to highlight your strengths instead of seeing shyness as a flaw. Recognizing the areas where your skills really shine can provide a boost to your self-confidence that may, in turn, help diminish feelings of self-doubt and insecurity.

Maybe you’re great with animals, a talented artist, or a driven researcher. Perhaps you’re a compassionate listener, and family and friends always seek your advice.

The world needs balance, and what better way to achieve that balance than with different personality types?

Sure, it might take you more time to open up. But you have plenty of valuable traits, like empathy, sensitivity, and caution, to offer when you do.

If you know someone who seems to make new friends every time they walk into a room, you might envy their outgoing nature and envision yourself navigating social settings with the same ease.

That’s not impossible, but it’s usually more helpful to take smaller steps first.

Start by exploring the ways in which shyness affects your life:

“I want a relationship, but I’m too shy to meet people in person.”
“Class participation makes up 5 percent of my grade. But I’m too nervous to share, because I don’t know anyone.”
“I have a lot of ideas for this new project at work, but what if no one likes them?”

Then, use that list to create simple goals, like starting a conversation with a classmate or using a dating app to find potential partners.

The spotlight effect, in simple terms, refers to the (generally false) assumption that other people notice everything you do and say, almost as if a spotlight were shining on you.

This cognitive bias can easily contribute to feelings of shyness or social anxiety.

When you worry people will notice and judge your mistakes or quirks, you’re more likely to hang back on the edges of a crowd where you can safeguard yourself from possible rejection.

In reality, though, most people tend to be less observant than you imagine — in part because they’re thinking about their own spotlight. You might feel as if all eyes are on you, but that usually isn’t the case.

Not convinced? Ask yourself how much you notice about the people around you and what they’re doing at any given time.

If you’re shy, casual conversations can be nerve-wracking.

Even when you have plenty to say on a particular topic, worries about how others in the conversation perceive you might push those insights or witty remarks right out of your head.

You might end up nodding a lot or asking questions, so you don’t have to volunteer information.

Asking questions can keep the conversation going, but it doesn’t help people get to know you. In other words, you aren’t really connecting.

Explore ways to get to know someone without all the questions.

Instead of wondering what they think about you or trying to figure out what you should say, use active listening skills to focus on the flow of the conversation.

Tuning in to what they’re saying can help you stop cycling through fears of sounding awkward or saying something embarrassing. You’ll probably have an easier time recognizing when to share your thoughts more naturally — and you won’t find yourself startled when they ask you a question.

Some shy people get through social interactions behind a mask of confidence.

But “fake it ’til you make it” doesn’t work for everyone. Putting up a front of boldness you don’t actually feel can even leave you more anxious that everyone will see through you.

It’s fine to admit you’re nervous or let people know you want to ease into a group at your own pace. People might even let you know how much they appreciate the effort you’re making. And their positive reactions can bolster your confidence authentically.

Always skip the white lies, even if you think pretending will keep conversations moving.

It might seem completely harmless to tell your new roommates, “Yoga? That’s my favorite way to unwind. ” But imagine how this can backfire. They might invite you to their Sunday yoga practice when, in reality, you’ve never even done a Downward-Facing Dog.

Instead, tell the truth: “I’ve never tried yoga, but I’d like to!”

Support from someone you trust can help you feel more comfortable in situations that spark the most dread.

Of course, you can’t bring someone with you everywhere you go, but the idea here is that eventually you’ll feel ready to face those situations alone.

Ask a friend, family member, or roommate to come along the next time you do something social, whether that’s a quiz night, party, or just a shopping trip.

Their presence might offer enough reassurance that you have an easier time navigating interactions without stumbling over your words or forgetting what you wanted to say.

Some people also find it helpful to have some “practice” interactions with loved ones, so they can get used to responding to positive comments, negative feedback, and everything in between. And, don’t forget, interacting with loved ones is another helpful way to sharpen communication skills.

Tip: Ask a loved one to role-play situations where you feel most uncomfortable, such as being singled out for attention.

So maybe you have a hard time opening up to new people right away, or you feel a little uneasy before you have to speak to someone new.

While this might mean you don’t make friends or find dates as easily as more outgoing people do, it’s worth noting that a little caution never hurts.

Holding back when you meet new people gives you the chance to learn more about them before you dive headfirst into a friendship or relationship.

It also creates more space for trust to develop, and trust is always a good thing. A slow start often leads to stronger relationships down the line, after all.

However your shyness came to be, at the end of the day, it’s simply part of your personality.

You can work to become less shy, but, if your shyness doesn’t cause any problems, you probably don’t need to push yourself to overcome it.

For example, maybe you don’t feel any particular urge to meet new people, but you have no trouble greeting someone when introduced. Perhaps you feel nervous before talking to your boss, but you handle conversations successfully when needed — even if your heart beats a little faster.

So you don’t enjoy socializing much. Not everyone does!

If you’re both shy and introverted, you might feel perfectly satisfied with your current level of social interaction, since it leaves you plenty of time to recharge and unwind on your own.

Skipping out on social events entirely often feels a lot safer than trying your best to make friends and failing.

Avoiding people might protect you from rejection, but the downside is that you might face loneliness instead.

If you want to expand your social circle, you’ll eventually have to find some way to connect with others.

Exploring your interests — hiking, crafting, dancing, cooking, etc. — through classes, community events, or even apps, like Meetup, can help you find potential friends and partners who share your interests.

Find more tips for making friends.

Shyness itself isn’t a mental health condition, but it can lead to unwanted emotional distress over time.

If nothing seems to help you relax in social situations, a good next step might be reaching out to a professional.

A therapist can offer guidance with:

managing physical symptoms you experience
exploring causes of shyness in more detail
recognizing social anxiety and other concerns
challenging and reframing thoughts that prompt avoidance
exploring strategies to navigate social situations

Speaking of physical symptoms, you can also try some breathing or body movement exercises that are known to manage anxiety. Start with these breathing exercises that can soothe anxiety of all kinds.

While shyness isn’t always something to be concerned about, it can prevent you from building connections with others and leave you lonely when you desire closeness.

If your shyness makes it difficult to build the close relationships you’d like to have, consider connecting with a therapist who can help you get more insight into the underlying factors, set achievable goals, and work toward self-acceptance.

Crystal Raypole has previously worked as a writer and editor for GoodTherapy. Her fields of interest include Asian languages and literature, Japanese translation, cooking, natural sciences, sex positivity, and mental health. In particular, she’s committed to helping decrease stigma around mental health issues.

How to overcome shyness and self-doubt

Sometimes we feel embarrassed. Even the most outspoken extrovert once felt shy. At such moments, we cannot control ourselves, we want to hide headlong under the covers, and sit there for the rest of our lives so that no one sees us. Shyness can damage the psyche in the same way that a congenital disease can damage the body. The consequences of this are sometimes disastrous for a person. Rost.media analyzed the problem, found out why a person begins to be shy, and found effective ways to overcome shyness and self-doubt.

In everyday life, a shy person has to deal with situations in which he feels insecure. Whether it's a call to the reception to make an appointment with a doctor, or a conversation with a stranger who needs to be asked for directions. Say goodbye to such difficulties is to really change your life.

Problems with shyness will be felt more acutely in relationships. Shy people find it difficult to express sympathy. In a relationship, they can be shy of their partner. This behavior can destroy the foundation. When a person begins to be shy, it is difficult for him to express his thoughts and emotions, because of this misunderstanding with other people, not only with relatives, but also with colleagues. This, alas, may affect the work. It is difficult to imagine how a shy person is appointed to a leadership position. That is why such people get the roles of performers, on which they constantly hang additional and often unpaid work.

As a result of such an "illness", a person's potential social circle narrows. He deliberately stops meeting new people and blocks situations that can give him a new social experience. The inability to correctly position oneself (or rather, self-doubt) gradually increases in a person the fear of those personalities who stand above him. Shyness gives rise to authorities, which are then quite difficult to get rid of.

Shyness is often accompanied by anxiety and feelings of loneliness, which in turn can lead to depression. Most often, it is accompanied by a rapid heartbeat, redness or pallor of the face, uneven breathing. Shyness is not a diagnosis and not an innate quality, contrary to stereotypes, not even a characteristic feature of introverts.

What causes shyness

Scientists from the Institute for the Study of Shyness (based in one of the universities in the South American state of Indiana) checked: in order to overcome shyness, you must first understand its causes. They are different:

Heredity. The continuity of the body associated with the high emotionality of the nervous system and its sensitivity to external signs.

Learnability. Sometimes people simply haven't learned the social skills that are important for communication, and as a result, they simply don't understand how to start a conversation or how to ask for something.

Subconscious conflict. A person experiences embarrassment when faced with certain people or situations.

Social attitude. The conditions of society and the cultural environment can make a shy person out of a person. Parents often bring up excessive shyness in children.

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How to overcome shyness

First, seek help from psychologists. They will help clarify the whole situation more clearly. To complete the picture and understand how to deal with shyness, experts have created several rules of what to do to overcome shyness.

Conduct research. Different situations can make a person shy. Speaking in front of an audience, talking to a stranger, being in another city or in another room.
Observe in what situations you find yourself constrained? After that, you should understand yourself - why exactly these situations make you worry. You may have had a bad experience in the past. This will be your first step towards self-confidence.
Find your advantage. In most cases, shyness accompanies low self-esteem. Make a list of your qualities and skills that you are proud of. Cooking, sports, drawing - find what you are really good at and periodically raise your self-esteem. Perhaps it is worth finding like-minded people, it is with them to begin to hone the “blocking” of shyness. Agree, topics in which you are pros are much easier to discuss.
Focus on others. Instead of introspection, try focusing on the other person - asking questions, listening more than talking.
Get out of your comfort zone. Do the opposite. Ask for help more often if you are embarrassed to talk to strangers. Do you feel shy when speaking in front of an audience? You can sign up for public speaking courses. Self-confidence will be developed through constant training.
Remember, failure is not the point. Some psychologists note that shyness is characteristic of perfectionists. If you are one of those "lucky ones", remind yourself that you are not a euro so that everyone likes it. Do not try to earn the approval of everyone, allow yourself to make mistakes. So you can relax and enjoy the process itself.
Look for positive feedback. You may often look for irritation or boredom in other people's eyes. And as you know, who seeks will always find. Pay attention to how the person smiles at you, notice the details of the conversation. Distract yourself from negative thoughts. Positive feedback will set you up for positive perception.

Another effective way to overcome your shyness is to keep a diary in which you should write down the experiences of the day. Sounds a little childish, but it really works, because taking notes will help you focus on the current day and analyze it.

Ask yourself: How did I feel when I met a friend? What was he wearing? How was my studies or work? Why was it awkward for me to talk to one person and okay with another? What drew me to the room I was in?

You can start a notebook in which you simply write about the good things that happened to you during the day. The main thing is to make a list daily so that in the future it will be easier for you to analyze it. Write down immediately - how many events happened on your initiative, and how many events were associated with other people. So you can notice how many good events are happening to you, what they are connected with, and how to make more of them.

At least one exercise a day will help you get to know yourself better and build a bridge to self-confidence.

It turns out that shyness can be overcome by gaining self-confidence, developing the art of communication and internal control. But first of all, it is worth starting with self-love. Sometimes we are unable to influence something. If this happens, then the only thing we can do is accept and love ourselves with all our shortcomings. As soon as you begin to accept yourself, then others will be able to see you in a different light.

How to deal with shyness in a moment of shyness

But sometimes we find ourselves face to face with a situation that makes our shyness come out and there is no time to remember the recommendations from psychology. If such a situation has come, then the following tips will help you:

Concentrate your attention on breathing. Advice Calm down. Breathe deeply” and the truth works.

When speaking in front of an audience, pay attention to the information you share, not the impression you make.

Watch your body language. Correct postures and movements help to feel less constraint.

Focus on individual details. If you are talking to a stranger, pay attention to how he is dressed; if you feel uncomfortable in an unfamiliar environment, look around, perhaps you will come across an object that will attract attention and help you relax.

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Shyness exercises

There are also several exercises to combat shyness. For example, reception "Counterarguments" . It will help boost self-esteem. You need to make a list of your “cons” (five is enough for the first time), and then write what their “pros” are: I am frugal, but this will help me make a big purchase in the future.
An effective exercise to train self-control is the rule of "ten breaths" : inhale deeply and exhale ten times when you feel tightness.
Exercise “Getting Acquainted” is suitable for developing perseverance : Set yourself the task of meeting new people. You can approach a person on the street, dial a random phone number, or text someone on social media. There is also postcrossing!
In general, other words can be used to denote shyness. This will also help you on your path to confidence. Instead of always saying "I'm a shy person," try to be more specific about the problem. For example, "I get nervous when I speak in public" or "I notice that my cheeks turn red when a person pays attention to me."
If you are a creative person, then perhaps a collage of your virtues will be a good prototype of future self-confidence. Cut out pictures from newspapers or magazines that best illustrate your strengths and make a collage out of them.
Another effective way - to attract friends . Select the people you trust the most and ask them to write down a list of the qualities they find attractive about you. You need to do the same (it is desirable that the lists have the same number of items). And then start listing everything you wrote in turn. This is the time to listen to yourself. How do you feel when your friend compliments you? What do you feel when you give a compliment? Learn to accept praise and give compliments to others.

These exercises will be most effective when you set a clear goal and do them regularly.

Becoming a self-confident person, you will be able to realize yourself not only in your personal life, but also in your career. You will not be content with something small, you will want to try something new. You might want to write poetry, take photographs, or even run a company. Here the age-old question is brewing: “to be or not to be”? You can either move towards modesty, which will only "seal" your life into boxes, or take steps towards confidence, so that your life will sparkle with all colors.

4 ways that really work from the experts

It is generally accepted that a shy person has a whole set of positive qualities. He is balanced, modest, restrained. However, few people realize that such people do not live easy. Many of them are trying to find ways to overcome shyness and experience the joy of easy communication.

A timid person is what

Shyness is a state of neuropsychic tension, accompanied by various disorders from:

autonomic nervous system;
emotional-volitional sphere;
psychomotor;
speech function;
thought processes;
self-awareness.

Shyness causes serious constant difficulties in communicating with others, especially in unusual situations. They often occur when you need to communicate with a stranger or be in a large company of people.

The feeling of embarrassment is a psychological barrier that prevents a person from fully communicating.

What does "shy" mean

A downward gaze, a wandering smile, an unhealthy pallor and blush on the cheeks - a mask that hides a real internal struggle with one's own "I". The essence of shyness perfectly reflects the name itself - a combination of the words "behind" and "wall".

A shy person fences himself off from the whole world, lives in his shell, where sometimes even his relatives do not let him in. He hardly trusts people, fearing a dirty trick in their every word and deed, afraid of invading his comfort zone.

Fear, distrust and fear of others are a fundamental feature of a shy personality.

Social psychologist Philip Zimbardo, who became the organizer of the famous prison experiment at Stanford, wrote the book How to Overcome Shyness. In it, he calls the problem of shyness a mental illness that cripples the psyche no less than the most severe bodily ailment.

From the point of view of psychology, shyness is a character trait, and it manifests itself:

indecision;
timidity;
tension;
stiffness and awkwardness in society.

There are several reasons for this - self-doubt, distrust of others, insufficiently developed social and communication skills.

Outward signs of shyness

It is very easy to recognize a shy person - he tries to avoid new acquaintances, spontaneous situations and large companies. He prefers to remain silent, even when asked for his opinion, does not fight for his rights.

An insecure person is constantly embarrassed, often blushes, he is not characterized by a wide sincere smile. His strong desire to leave is striking if a large company has gathered. Moreover, it can be only 5-6 guests who came to a family dinner.

Sign up for an online consultation if you want to get rid of shyness. Our doctors will test online to determine the depth of the problem and the factor that provoked it. Based on the results of the tests, the specialist will select the most effective technique for overcoming shyness.

How to remove constraint

There are many ways to get rid of shyness and stop being withdrawn. The choice of a specific method depends on why a person has these qualities. For example, children may be assigned family therapy sessions if shyness is due to the wrong parenting style.

Adults successfully overcome the complex of dislike by parents through the techniques of symbol drama and flashback. If modesty and shyness are caused by the environment, group and role-play trainings are held to develop communication skills and learn how to communicate easily.

Case study:

Tanya, 13 years old, has been shy since early childhood. She has always had a shy look and communication problems. The family is complete and prosperous in all respects. The psychologist conducted a hypnosis session and found out that tactile contacts were not accepted between relatives. The mother did not allow hugs and kisses, which led to the loss of physical and emotional contact. As a result, the child became insecure.

To overcome the feeling of shyness, a number of other methods are used in modern psychology:

beatotherapy, which involves contacts with the same timid people;
synchromethod, or the key method - learning to control one's psychophysical state in stressful situations - during public speaking, when meeting a new person;
imagotherapy - activation of creative abilities that enrich the personality of a person;
paradoxical intention - a gradual immersion of a person in a situation of communication in order to form a habit and adequately respond to them;
applied relaxation - reduces anxiety during stress caused by the need to interact with others;
rational psychotherapy is a person's conviction that modesty and shyness are negative qualities and negatively affect all areas of life.

This list can be continued, since there are many methods for getting rid of shyness. Working with a professional psychologist guarantees a favorable result. Regardless of the type of shyness, a person gains self-confidence and communication skills necessary for meaningful communication. He begins to make new acquaintances and quickly climbs the career ladder.

What to do if you are too modest: 4 ways that really work

1 - master auto-training

Affirmations are one of the simplest, sweetest, yet most effective ways to beat shyness. Every day, at a convenient time, say, listen to, or mentally scroll through a few affirmation phrases. You can invent them yourself or use those indicated in the table.

No.	Statement
one	When I am among people, I am absolutely calm and relaxed.
2	It's easy for me to ask for help when I need it.
3	I trust others and they trust me
four	I myself create my own social circle, comfortable for me
5	It's easy for me to make new friends
6	I can boldly express my opinion, defend my point of view
7	I feel freedom and lightness in thoughts and movements
eight	When everyone is looking at me, I feel relaxed and free.

Attention! It is important to believe in every word, to try to feel every phrase.

2 - get out of your comfort zone

“The wedge is knocked out with a wedge” - this saying will surely work if you face fear face to face. You just need to do the things that usually make you act shy and timid. For example:

go up to a nice guy (girl) and ask: “what time is it?”, “where is the nearest pharmacy?”, “how to get to the bus stop?”. Any phrase appropriate in the circumstances will do;
contact the boss with some initiative - introduce a five-minute warm-up after every 2 hours of work, rearrange furniture, shift goods depending on demand or seasonality;
speak at the morning planning meeting / meeting with a report on the work done, plans for the future.

Attention! If you periodically go beyond the comfort zone, you can make sure that there is nothing to worry about. People around you perceive you calmly and kindly.

3 - try the scale exercise

List the situations that make you especially shy, in order of importance. That is, put the most traumatic situation in the first place, and then in descending order of tension.

Your "Scale" might look like this:

Ask the cashier to check the price on the check or return the money for some product.
Ask a passer-by for the time or directions.
Invite a colleague to a cafe / on a date.
Meet a girl.

It remains to perform these actions, overcoming shyness and timidity in communication.

Book an online consultation if you are concerned about excessive shyness. Our psychologists will identify the cause of this condition, conduct a psychoanalysis of the situation, work through fears, anxieties, teach you how to manage emotions, and are ready to answer questions around the clock.

4 - talk about your shyness

This advice is especially relevant for those who want to overcome shyness in a relationship. Practice shows that discussing your own shyness with a partner reduces its negative impact.

According to psychologists, the demonstration of vulnerability contributes to rapprochement and increased trust in a couple. It is advisable to admit to shyness at the very beginning of the acquaintance, so that it would be easier to communicate in the future.

If you are tense, be honest and open about how you feel. You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of, so:

do not postpone the excitement "for later", express it immediately;
talk to your partner about your feelings in real time;
do not dwell on the fact that you are a shy person;
express emotions, do not drive them inside. But when you have spoken, switch to another topic;
let your partner console you if he makes such attempts.

FAQ

Is shyness innate?

The role of heredity in this matter has not been studied enough. Presumably, a person's genetic predisposition to shyness is of some importance. However, it has not yet been possible to find out exactly what is more important - heredity or the child's copying of the parental model of behavior, if shyness is also characteristic of family members.

What does the method of paradoxical intentions mean?

This is a kind of "opposite therapy", when a person exaggerates the possible consequences of their actions. Imagine, for example, that during a public speech, your already shy face will turn purple, large drops of sweat will flow from it, and a large trembling will begin to beat your hands. In most cases, exaggerating events helps to remove fear for a long time.

Is it true that shyness can hide behind a mask of bravado and impudence?

Yes, this type of people exist. They can behave quite assertively and even cheekily, thereby trying to hide their embarrassment at least a little. A number of psychologists believe that shyness can make a person aggressive.

Why do psychologists advise reciting poetry, learning tongue twisters?

Fast and clear pronunciation of tongue twisters, reading poems relieves psycho-emotional clamps and shyness. For greater effect, this can be done in front of a mirror.

Expert opinion

Shyness is akin to social phobia. Both phenomena mean a fear of social contacts, and it is not easy to overcome it. A shy person must correct the image of his "I". To fully work with the problem, you first need to establish the cause of its occurrence. How to overcome shyness is well known by clinical psychologists who consult remotely on our website.

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Article author

Monakhova Albina Petrovna clinical psychologist

Experience 17 years

Consultations 1439

Articles 292

Specialist in clinical psychology.

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