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How to overcome anxious attachment


How It Develops & How To Cope

By Olivia Guy-Evans, published June 06, 2022 | Fact Checked by Saul Mcleod, PhD

Anxious attachment is one of four attachment styles that develop in childhood and continue into adulthood.  Attachment styles refer to the particular way in which an individual relates to other people. 

Anxious attachment (also called ambivalent) relationships are characterized by a concern that others will not reciprocate one's desire for intimacy.

Individuals with an anxious attachment exhibit a preoccupation with the availability and responsiveness of significant others, such as parents, friends, and romantic partners.

Such individuals crave intimacy but also remain anxious regarding whether other romantic partners will meet their emotional needs. Autonomy and independence can make them feel anxious.

In addition, they can become distressed should they interpret recognition and value from others as being insincere or failing to meet an appropriate level of responsiveness.

Individuals with an anxious attachment hold a negative self-image and a positive image of others, meaning that they have a sense of unworthiness but generally evaluated others positively.

As such, they strive for self-acceptance by attempting to gain approval and validation from their relationships with significant others. They also require higher levels of contact and intimacy from relationships with others.

Additionally, they are preoccupied with dependency on their own parents and still actively struggled to please them.

Attachment theory was proposed by psychologist John Bowlby in the 1950s. He proposed that children develop an attachment style in early life depending on the parenting of the primary caregiver. 

The concept involves one’s confidence in the availability of the attachment figure for use as a secure base from which one can freely explore the world when not in distress as well as a safe haven from which one can seek support, protection, and comfort in times of distress.

Bowlby argued that one’s sense of security as a child is critical to their attachment style as an adult. 

It is generally accepted that there are four attachment styles (Ainsworth, Blehar, Waters, & Wall, 1978):

  • Anxious – those with an anxious attachment style have problems trusting others. They often worry that people will abandon them, so they often seem clingy or needy. 

  • Avoidant (Dismissive) – this attachment style is characterised by problems with intimacy and low emotional investment in relationships.

  • Secure– this is characterised by feelings of trust and safety in relationships. Children who are securely attached feel safe and supported by their caregivers. Securely attached adults are capable of forming lasting relationships.

  • Disorganised (Fearful) – this is marked by a mix of behaviour that can range from avoidance to clinginess. People with this attachment style often long for close relationships but also fear trusting others and getting hurt (Main & Solomon, 1986).

The attachment style you develop in early childhood is thought to have a lifelong influence on your ability to communicate your emotions and needs, how you respond to conflict, and how you form expectations about your relationships.

Although the attachment style you were raised with does not explain everything about your relationships and who you become as an adult, understanding your style may help explain patterns you notice in relationships.

What are the signs of anxious attachment in children?

Anxious attachment is one of types of insecure attachment style. Children with an anxious attachment express distress when their caregiver leaves and are difficult to soothe when they return.

They behave as if they are not certain that they can rely upon the caregiver, and show some resentment to being abandoned.

Some of the key signs that a child may have an anxious attachment style include:

  • Extreme distress when separated from parents

  • Inconsolable when upset – not easily comforted

  • Clinging to parents and caregivers

  • A fear of strangers

  • Poor relationships with other children

  • Limited exploration of their environment

  • Appearing anxious in general

  • Difficulty regulating and controlling negative emotions

  • Displaying aggressive behaviour 

Separation anxiety disorder (SAD) is an anxiety disorder related to anxious attachment, generally diagnosed in childhood.

Children with SAD may refuse to go to school, fear being separated from their caregivers, and experience extreme anxiety when separated from loved ones. While most children grow out of this issue, it can persist into adolescence and adulthood. 

While there is not always a clear-cut answer for why a child may develop an anxious attachment, it could be as a result of some of the following factors:

Emotional distance

If a parent or caregiver is distant or neglectful of the child’s needs, the child will not feel a sense of security and stability.

Children who do not get their emotional needs met, especially when feeling distressed or anxious, are likely to experience elevated levels of these emotions. 

If their emotional needs continue to be neglected, the child is likely to develop an anxious attachment style.

This can continue throughout life in terms of friendships and romantic relationships in which others do not provide the comfort that the individual expects.  

Inconsistent parenting

Anxious attachment is often associated with an inconsistent parenting pattern. Parenting is inconsistent when there are times of support and responsiveness to the child’s needs, but at other times, this is not the case.

In some instances, the caregiver may be cold, insensitive, and emotionally unavailable.

The child may become confused about their relationship with a caregiver who is sending mixed signals.

This inconsistency can make it difficult for the child to understand what their parent’s behaviour means and what kind of response to expect, resulting in insecurity and anxiety. 

Caregiver’s ‘emotional hunger’

Oftentimes, the caregiver’s emotional hunger may be linked to a child developing an anxious attachment style.

This is where caregivers seek emotional or physical closeness with the child for the purpose of satisfying their own needs. Because of this, they are neglecting the child’s emotional and physical needs.

These types of caregivers may appear intrusive and preoccupied with their child’s life and can be overprotective. They may replace actual love and affection of their child with using the child to feed their own needs.

The child therefore does not get their needs met and may put everyone else’s needs above their own as this is what they have been used to. 

Anxious caregivers

It is common that children with an anxious attachment style are likely to have parents who are also anxiously attached.

This is likely not due to genetic factors, rather it is a continuation of behavioural patterns being repeated throughout generations.

Moreover, without management, the anxiously attached child may grow up to have their own children who are anxiously attached. 

What are the signs of anxious attachment in adults?

It might not always be easy to recognise an insecure attachment style in adults. Some of the key signs include:

  • Needing constant contact and support from others

  • Constant need for reassurance that they are good enough

  • Hypersensitivity to rejection and abandonment 

  • Negative self-view or self-worth

  • Overly sensitive to other’s actions and moods

  • Craving intimacy

  • Having difficulty setting and respecting boundaries

  • Impulse to fix things and solve other people’s problems at one’s own expense

  • High emotional reactivity when someone isn’t available 

  • Positive view of others

  • Afraid or incapable of being alone

  • Ruminate over and over analyse small things

Anxiously attached adults are likely to have issues with regulating their emotions. They may show more intense reactions to threats, see situations as more threatening than they are and experience more distress. They are hesitant to seek support and are likely to do this in indirect ways such as crying. 

Adults who have an anxious attachment may also be at an increased risk of developing anxiety disorders such as social anxiety disorder, generalised anxiety disorder, and panic disorder.

Those who suffer from panic attacks often have a history of childhood separation anxiety – the sudden arousal of social separation can lead to panic attacks. 

Romantic relationships with anxious adults can be intense and stressful for both the anxious person and their partner. 

A common theme which is observed is that people with anxious attachment tend to form relationships with those who have an avoidant attachment style.

Those with an avoidant attachment struggle to commit and feed into anxious attachment anxieties.  

Below are some ways in which an anxious attachment can affect a relationship:

Clinginess 

Someone who has an anxious attachment style may become very fixated on a romantic interest. They may desire to jump into relationships very quickly, wanting to commit very fast.

Consequently, they may struggle with long-distance relationships as this will cause a lot more anxiety. 

They may become very preoccupied with their relationship and fall in love easily to the point where they may become ‘obsessed’ with their partner.

They may be more likely to project everything they desire onto one person which can in fact cause anxiety levels to elevate. 

Fear of rejection

An anxiously attached adult may be constantly worried about losing their partner or not being able to contact them in times of need. 

The slightest disappointment or sign of rejection from a partner could be incredibly harmful to the anxious person’s already low self-esteem.

If a loved one rejects them or fails to respond to their needs, the anxious person may blame themselves and believe they are unworthy of being loved. 

Need for constant reassurance

Due to the anxiously attached person feeling extremely insecure and having low self-worth, they may turn to their partner for reassurance. 

While it is normal to want reassurance, someone who is anxious may be persistent in their attempts to seek reassurance from the partner.

This can put a strain on the relationship if their partner is constantly having to prove that the anxious loved one is worthy of love. 

Emotional ups and downs

Being in a relationship with someone who has an anxious attachment style can feel like an emotional rollercoaster.

There can be a mixture of high and low emotions meaning that their partner may not know what to expect from one moment to another.  

The relationship can often be filled with a lot of anxiety, stress, and even unhappiness for those involved.

The partner of an anxious person may have low relationship satisfaction if their partner is not able to offer them emotional stability. 

Feeling underappreciated

An anxiously attached person may often feel unappreciated and resentful if they do not think they are getting the love they deserve.

They may worry about where they stand in the relationship and whether their partner loves them as much as they do in return. 

They may often fantasise about how they want the relationship to be and may desire to always stay in the ‘honeymoon stage’.

If they do not receive the same priority that they perhaps had at the start of the relationship, they may become suspicious of their partner.

They may accuse their partner of being unappreciative or untrustworthy if they feel their emotional needs are not always being met.  

What can trigger anxious attachment?

Triggered anxious attachment can present as getting into arguments or becoming over-emotional in attempts to re-establish a connection with their partner. Since they may have difficulties with regulating their emotions, they can appear overly dramatic or cry as a way to communicate their needs. 

Some ways in which anxious attachment can be triggered include:

  • A partner behaving inconsistently

  • When a partner comes home later than expected

  • When a partner seems distant or distracted

  • If a partner forgets important events such as anniversaries 

  • Partner not messaging or calling when this is expected

  • A partner failing to notice something

  • When a partner does not seem to be paying attention such as spending a lot of time of their phone or work

  • Not receiving enough attention

  • Getting into arguments

  • Having trust broken, such as realising that a partner lied or broke a promise

These triggers can result in the anxiously attached person feeling even more insecure about their relationship and be filled with more self-doubt.  

Practice awareness

If you have an anxious attachment, you may be more likely to have automatic responses to negativity. However, gaining an awareness of these automatic responses can help you think of a healthier way to respond.

Take time to think about how you feel in a moment and what thoughts come up. Be aware of these thoughts and the meaning that is given to these thoughts. Then, you can consider the best way to respond. 

If you feel that you find this difficult, you could even remove yourself from the situation before responding. Go for a walk to gather your thoughts before returning to the situation.

It's especially helpful to practice being aware of how you interact in relationships to avoid hurting someone’s feelings. 

Regulate your nervous system

Triggered anxious attachment can put you into fight, flight, or freeze mode. When in this state, you are not able to think clearly and are more likely to act on impulses. The best method of tackling this is to change your physiology. 

Take some time to pause and breathe. You could even place your hands on your belly to connect with the breath. This will send a signal to the brain that you are safe. 

When feeling anxious, it can also help to do something grounding, so you feel less stuck in your thoughts. Doing exercise, yoga, getting a massage, or going for a walk in nature can help you to feel grounded. 

Reparent your inner child

Often, it can be beneficial to heal your inner child who first experienced the anxious attachment with a caregiver. This can be done by giving yourself the love, support, and kindness that you did not receive as a child. 

Be compassionate with yourself, forgive yourself for mistakes, check-in with, and comfort yourself if this is what you need.

You can think of this as treating yourself the same way you would show kindness to an innocent child.  

Challenge your thoughts

When you are experiencing negative thought patterns, remind yourself that while they seem real, the thoughts are not necessarily true. 

Do not believe every negative thought you have and instead try to challenge them when they come up.

Consider what solid evidence there is that your thoughts are true and whether there is a more likely explanation. 

Self-care

Try to take some time everyday to do something to take care of yourself. Be consistent with this to soothe your anxiety. 

Self-care activities such as engaging in your hobby, taking a long bath, or watching your favourite TV show can help reduce stress and tension.

Self-care can also build internal resources necessary to handle anxiety such as resilience and recognising self-worth. 

Externalise your feelings

Letting go of your thoughts and putting them into something meaningful can be a healthy way to manage strong emotions. This could be expressed through creating artwork, movement, or music. 

Keeping a journal is a helpful method for getting out your emotions and it may help you recognise some patterns in your thoughts and behaviours.

You could even journal from the perspective of your inner child, writing down why they are sad and what they need.

You can then write from the perspective of an empowered adult self to pass on wisdom, healing, and advice for the inner child.

Practice mindful communication

You can prepare yourself for meaningful conversations ahead of time by exploring nonviolent communication.

This can help you to approach the conversation with honesty as well as kindness so you can make requests without coming across as needy or controlling. 

Therapy 

If you need some extra support with your anxious attachment style, you can seek help from a therapist. Through therapy, you can learn to recognise your attachment patterns, examine your feelings about yourself and learn to approach relationships with others in a healthy way.

Cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) is a therapy which focuses on identifying and changing negative thought patterns and behaviours.

Interpersonal therapy (IPT) helps individuals learn how to improve their interpersonal relationships and social interactions.

Also, psychodynamic psychotherapy helps people to focus on unconscious emotional dynamics and can help to examine how attachment styles may present in the therapy relationship itself. 

If you have an anxiously attached partner, there are some things you can do to help them:

Understand their attachment style

Learning about attachment theory and getting to know your partner’s attachment style through research can be a good starting point to understand them better.  

Express gratitude

While you may feel as though you are showing your gratitude in your actions, an anxiously attached person may not pick up on this.

Explicitly telling them when you are appreciative of something can make your intentions clearer. It may be helpful to start sentences with ‘I appreciate that you…’ or ‘Thank you for…’ 

Give attention and reassurance

As anxiously attached people are very insecure and are filled with self-doubt, they will often seek reassurance from you.

However, if you verbally express to them your affection and love, they are more likely to be reassured than if you just assume they know how you feel. 

Verbally reassure them that you value them as a partner to help them see that you are committed to the relationship and are willing to accommodate their needs. 

Stick to your word

Since people with an anxious attachment have trouble trusting others and fear abandonment, it is important to show them that you can be trusted. If you make promises and commitments, ensure that you follow through with them.

This can also apply when setting boundaries. When doing this, ensure you have clear boundaries and expectations and make sure you reinforce them.

A partner who acts as a reliable security figure can restore a sense of felt security and help the anxious person function more securely. 

Discover their love language

If you struggle to know how to express your love and gratitude for your anxiously attached partner, you could discover what their love language is.

Once you know what their love language is, you can cater your words and actions to match.

For instance, if your partner’s love language is ‘words of affirmation’, you can ensure you verbally tell them that you love them and why.

If their love language is ‘physical touch’ you can try to incorporate more intimacy and physical closeness to your partner to show you love them.  

Couples therapy

Couples therapy can be beneficial for any relationship to help strengthen it. It can be especially helpful for couples where one is anxiously attached and the other has an avoidant attachment. 

Couples therapy gives the opportunity to participate in a discussion with your partner with the help of a skilled moderator.

They can help your partner and yourself to process any negative thoughts and feelings in the moment and provide tools to communicate with each other outside of the sessions. 

Is there a way to change from anxious attachment to secure attachment?

Sometimes change can happen when someone who is anxiously attached is in a relationship with someone who is securely attached.

Having a partner who has a secure attachment style can facilitate emotional closeness and a sense of calmness and stability for the anxiously attached. This could help to shift their perception and develop new patterns of thinking and behaviour. 

Being aware of and making a conscious effort to change negative behavioural patterns can make someone more mindful of how they act in relationships with others. It is important to recognise that the past does not have to predict present and future experiences.

Although it may not always be possible to change an attachment type that has been present since childhood, anxiously attached individuals can put in the work to feel more secure in themselves and their relationships.

It is not an easy and passive process and will require a lot of conscious effort and self-awareness.

Content is rigorously reviewed by a team of qualified and experienced fact checkers. Fact checkers review articles for factual accuracy, relevance, and timeliness. We rely on the most current and reputable sources, which are cited in the text and listed at the bottom of each article. Content is fact checked after it has been edited and before publication.

Olivia Guy-Evans obtained her undergraduate degree in Educational Psychology at Edge Hill University in 2015. She then received her master’s degree in Psychology of Education from the University of Bristol in 2019. Olivia has been working as a support worker for adults with learning disabilities in Bristol for the last four years.

Guy-Evans, O. (2022, June 06. Anxious Attachment Style: How It Develops & How To Cope. Simply Psychology. www.simplypsychology.org/anxious-attachment-style.html

  • Further Information
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Ainsworth, M. D. S., Blehar, M. C., Waters, E., & Wall, S. (1978). Patterns of attachment: A psychological study of the strange situation. Lawrence Erlbaum.

Baldwin, M.W., & Fehr, B. (1995). On the instability of attachment style ratings. Personal Relationships, 2, 247-261.

Bartholomew, K., & Horowitz, L.M. (1991). Attachment Styles Among Young Adults: A Test of a Four-Category Model. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 61(2), 226–244.

Bowlby, J. (1969). Attachment and Loss: Volume I. Attachment. London: Hogarth Press.

Brennan, K. A., Clark, C. L., & Shaver, P. R. (1998). Self-report measurement of adult attachment: An integrative overview. In J. A. Simpson & W. S. Rholes (Eds.), Attachment theory and close relationships (p. 46–76). The Guilford Press.

Brennan, K. A., & Shaver, P. R. (1995). Dimensions of adult attachment, affect regulation, and romantic relationship functioning. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 21(3), 267–283.

Caron, A., Lafontaine, M., Bureau, J., Levesque, C., and Johnson, S.M. (2012). Comparisons of Close Relationships: An Evaluation of Relationship Quality and Patterns of Attachment to Parents, Friends, and Romantic Partners in Young Adults. Canadian Journal of Behavioural Science, 44(4), 245-256.

Hazan, C., & Shaver, P. (1987). Romantic love conceptualized as an attachment process. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 52(3), 511–524.

Main, M., Kaplan, N., & Cassidy, J. (1985). Security in infancy, childhood and adulthood: A move to the level of representation. In I. Bretherton & E. Waters (Eds.), Growing points of attachment theory and research. Monographs of the Society for Research in Child Development, 50(1-2), 66-104.

Main, M., & Solomon, J. (1986). Discovery of an insecure-disorganized/disoriented attachment pattern. In T. B. Brazelton & M. W. Yogman (Eds.), Affective development in infancy. Ablex Publishing.

Waters, E., Merrick, S., Treboux, D., Crowell, J., & Albersheim, L. (2000). Attachment security in infancy and early adulthood: A twenty-year longitudinal study. Child Development, 71(3), 684-689.

How to Overcome Anxious Attachment (2022)

Want to overcome anxious attachment? 

You’re in the right place. 

Today, you’ll learn everything from common anxious attachment style triggers that cause conflict to ways to transform from anxious attachment to a more secure attachment style.

So, how do you overcome anxious attachment once and for all? Let’s find out.

What is your attachment style is? Take the quiz! 

What is anxious attachment?

Anxious attachment is one of the four attachment styles that adults form in relationships. These styles are something we develop from infancy and apply throughout our lives. Here’s what you need to know about what anxious attachment is.

What are attachment styles?

Attachment styles come from the theory of attachment developed by John Bowlby. 

According to this theory, we develop our outlook on relationships during childhood. The very first relations we have with caretakers or parents affect our adult relationships. It is due to these relationships that we as adults might feel, say, abandoned or dismissive.

This was expanded upon by other psychoanalysts who eventually defined the four attachment categories for relationships that we use today:

  1. Anxious: Adults who struggle with feeling unworthy of love
  2. Avoidant: Adults who are rooted in fear and avoid commitment
  3. Disorganized: Adults who deal with insecurity and have unpredictable behaviors
  4. Secure: Adults who are overall open to relationships and have a positive self-image

Those who aren’t securely attached have insecure attachment styles.  

All humans display one of these four attachment styles, so what does this mean for you?

How do the four attachment styles affect you?

The four relationship attachment styles have a direct impact on us. Biologically, they affect us:

  1. From the deepest recesses of our instinctual (limbic) brain
  2. From the stimulation of our nervous system
  3. Through epigenetics within our DNA
  4. From a chemical cocktail of neurotransmitters

In this quick video, I explain it all: 

These neurotransmitters bond us to partners that give us intermittent reinforcement — almost like a drug addiction. This is also known as “frustration attraction,” as described by Helen Fisher. 

Fisher discovered that when we love someone, our brain produces dopamine and rewards our pleasure centers. This flood of dopamine also activates our stress systems, so in short, our relationships directly feed these neurotransmitters.  

Your (and your partner’s) attachment style colors your beliefs going into a new relationship. They also make it easy to predict why relationships fail since you fall into the same traps over and over.

What’s more, “like attracts like” when it comes to attachment styles.

Anxiously attached and avoidantly attached people often end up together because they reinforce each other’s beliefs about relationships and attachment. On the other hand, securely attached often attract others who are securely attached. 

This is why you, if you are insecurely attached, can easily end up in a vicious cycle of failed relationships.

That’s because as someone who is anxiously attached, you tend to follow specific patterns in relationships — just like everyone else. 

Here’s what you need to know about those patterns. 

What does anxious attachment look like in relationships?

Anxious attachment comes from an underlying fear of abandonment and rejection. This often causes a fear of not being good enough.  

I talk more about this in this anxious attachment 101 video: 

I like to call Anxious people “Open Hearts” because the word anxious sounds judgmental. (And who needs any more of that?)

If you’re an Open Heart and in love, you’re desirous of attention and affection. You frequently need reassurance and are constantly seeking approval. Often, you rely on your partner to be the primary source of your emotional wellbeing.

On the other hand, some Open Hearts might overcorrect and suppress their needs, fearful that their neediness might push someone away. These are all warning signs of being in a toxic relationship.

So, how do you behave in relationships if you have an anxious attachment style? As an Open Heart you might feel that your partner…

  • Doesn’t appreciate you and takes your generosity for granted
  • Shows up 100% one day and then disappears without explanation the next
  • Treats you like an intimate partner, but doesn’t give you any physical intimacy 
  • On the flip side, maybe they only seem to be interested in sex, but exclude you from other aspects of their lives
  • Avoids labeling the relationship and makes you feel like the crazy one for needing it
  • Behaves in a needlessly secretive fashion
  • Ignores you for weeks at a time then texts “I miss you” at 2 a. m.
  • Makes it unsafe to talk directly about feelings or the nature of the relationship
  • Sleeps with other people as a way to keep you in your place or does so to put distance between you
  • Or, they might commit to you, but then they pull back emotionally. In time, you start feeling more lonely together than when you are apart

You might feel confused and overly preoccupied with trying to make them happy. You think this is the way to finally feel calm and safe in the relationship. 

In reality, walking on eggshells only leads to unhealthy people-pleasing. It forces you to hide your feelings and needs just to avoid rocking the boat. You suppress them in order to avoid conflict.

Eventually, resentments begin to grow, but you’re afraid to express your anger. You conceal that anger and it causes you to become increasingly anxious, depressed, obsessed, and clingy. 

Here’s what I mean:

Example of an anxious attachment relationship

Let’s take a look at an example of anxious attachment in a relationship: the story of Katie and John.  

Katie is an anxious “Open Heart” with a habit of falling headlong into love, but after a while, things always fizzle. After 3 months with John, she was flying high on romance but at this point, John began to pull back.

As a people-pleasing Open Heart, Katie said she was fine with it but underneath was terrified of losing John. While she felt like acting calm and cool would help, she couldn’t stop stressing that she did something wrong. 

John, who’s an avoidant (I call them Rolling Stones), began to feel suffocated. Katie was making things too easy for him and he started to desire a bigger challenge. He began feeling annoyed, over-obligated and emotionally exhausted. As a result, his feelings for Katie started to turn into resentment.

Now, John felt confused by Katie. She said she’s willing to wait for him, but then kept sending desperate texts asking how long this will take. John started to feel like maybe he couldn’t give Katie what she needed. 

That’s what a relationship, where one partner is anxiously attached, can look like.  

But how do you break the cycle of ending up in these relationships? Here’s what you need to know.

What is your attachment style is? Take the quiz! 

How do you break the cycle of anxious attachment?

Good news: you CAN break out of the cycle to overcome anxious attachment.

You can make a partner go from “I need space” to “I want to be a better partner for you.”

Breaking the anxious attachment cycle will help amplify your attractive energy and boost your confidence allowing you to show up to your relationships as the best version of yourself, even during difficult circumstances.

My student Stacy is a real-life example of how breaking the cycle is possible. She explains that once you understand how insecure attachment styles affect your relationships, you can shift your perspective. This helps you realize what’s going on so you can break the cycle, and why you should.

Here’s what she has to say: 

What does it take to break the cycle of anxious attachment?

Too often, my clients think, “Once I finally meet ‘the one’ all the pieces will be in place, and I can relax and start enjoying myself. ”

But, that’s not true.

The enjoyment has to start long before that. 

No relationship will fix that feeling. 

Becoming more secure with your attachment style does not depend upon being in a romantic relationship or even actively seeking a romantic relationship.  

Relationships are just one dimension. They allow us to see the manifestations of how secure you feel inside yourself and about yourself — relationships are not anything that will “fix” us.

You have an inner landscape that must be balanced and fulfilled on your own before you can take on the second, outer landscape of a relationship.

The good news is, you don’t have to be perfect before attracting, recovering or revitalizing love in your life.

If you find satisfaction within, you can thrive in both worlds through “felt security.”

Felt security is an internal, subjective experience of “self-sovereignty” that you bring to your relationships, including your romantic ones. 

This inner resource can help you develop a more constructive attitude toward life, navigate stresses more easily, and find more confidence in others through self-efficacy.

The benefits of felt security include and are exemplified by things like: 

  • Increased clarity around what is your “intuition” versus “reactive attachment” impulses. That way, you don’t feel out of control when a powerful emotion pops up unexpectedly.
  • Increased clarity around automatic negative thoughts that may influence decision-making on a subconscious level. You’ll start to act in ways that open up the possibility of love, rather than shutting them down prematurely.
  • Increased clarity around the intensity of survival and safety concerns in relationships. This helps you realize when to stay in or leave an unhealthy situation.
  • Increased clarity around your own values and how highly you should prioritize them. You can better articulate your needs and GET THEM MET like you deserve.

When you have a deep understanding of your attachment wounds and how to heal them, you can more easily connect emotionally in an authentic way.

This can be difficult without the right tools and with no models to guide you. That’s where anxious attachment triggers come in, which we’ll look at next.

What triggers anxious attachment?

To change your normal patterns, you need to learn to recognize your triggers.

Remember: these are not necessarily things that your partner does out of spite. In fact, they might want to be treated in this way and don’t realize that it’s the opposite of what you want and need. 

For example, if you had a hard day, your partner might think that you want some space because that’s what they would prefer. But what you might want is attention and emotional connection, like a hug. 

This disconnect creates a conflict, which often leads to triggers that escalate the situation, as I share here: 

Three triggering phrases

What makes you feel triggered? Here are three of the most common anxious attachment triggers and what you might be craving to hear instead: 

1. “You are overreacting.” This is usually an attempt to diffuse a tense situation and reduce anxiety, however you might perceive it as dismissive and devaluing.

What you might want to hear is: “Even if I can’t understand why you’re feeling this way, I know what it’s like to feel overwhelmed. Your feelings are important to me so please tell me how I can support you.”  Move forward by finding common ground that each of you has felt overwhelmed in life.

2. “I’m sorry you feel that way, that must be hard for you.” This comes across as a non-apology and stems from a lack of emotional vocabulary. Your partner isn’t actually empathizing with the emotion and doesn’t want to accept the responsibility of making you feel this way.

3. “You must have done something to cause this.” This is often a deflection of responsibility or your partner is trying to inspire you to be more proactive. They’re trying to express that if you caused the problem, they have the power to fix it. This flopped attempt at empowering is a trigger that sparks distrust.

By recognizing these triggers and the statements you want to hear instead, you can learn to communicate in a way that doesn’t create a greater conflict. Although triggering phrases usually come from a place of love, it’s not always easy to see that in the situation. 

How to avoid being triggered

To avoid being triggered, first, stop and take a breath to reground yourself in the present moment. 

Notice the sensations you feel within your body. Where do you feel the stress – in your stomach, your chest, your head? Allow yourself to have the feeling you’re experiencing and try to look inward.

If you’re triggered, you may feel like you’re being flooded and overwhelmed by your feelings. Rather than react, leverage body activation to shift gears within and try to think ahead. Instead of denying your feelings, switch your thinking to something positive. 

For example, if you find yourself in a spiral of negative thoughts, don’t get angry at yourself and try to stop them. Let these feelings run their course but at the same time, plan your next vacation. 

Another tip that helps? Focus on being the hero of your own story. When you accept that your life and your happiness are in your control, you are less likely to feel triggered. 

How do you overcome insecure attachment?

Different relationship styles demand different methods to heal. So, how do you overcome insecure attachment?

The four healing phases for attachment styles in relationships are a great place to start. These phases explain how you feel in relationships and what you need to do to grow from it. Let’s break them down.

1. Wandering

This first phase is led by compulsion. You don’t know why your relationships fail, so you tend to attract the same toxic partners you always have. You often cling to fantasies of what a relationship could be instead of seeing the relationship for what it really is. Many people stay in this phase forever since growing from it is quite painful. To move on, you need to start asking “why.”

2. Exploring

This second phase feels raw and vulnerable. You start to question your feelings which leads you to seek therapy or read self-help books, but you continue to struggle and can’t overcome these feelings despite new insights. Growth from this phase involves building an emotional vocabulary and enhancing your coping skills. You’ve learned tools, but really don’t know how to apply them. At the end of this phase, you realize there is no short-term fix and it’s going to take more work. 

3. Discovering

This is when much of the knowledge and research you’ve done begins to materialize. You’re searching for a deeper sense of meaning for what you’ve experienced. You want to connect with your body and dive into a deeper sense of spirituality and understanding of “why.” Growth from this phase means recognizing that old habits resurface so that you can reframe how you view them. This opens you up to a new level of sophistication and spiritual maturity.  

4. Loving

You have finally come to a place of understanding and forgiveness towards yourself and past partners. This new sense of resilience may lead you to reconnect with people or deepen current relationships in a more authentic way. Your openness to give and receive love has expanded. You may feel fearful, but it’s no longer debilitating. Growth revolves around applying the skills you’ve learned like prioritizing self-care, spiritual practices, and letting go of judgment. 

Regardless of what phase you are in, just acknowledging these four steps can give you hope that your attachment style can evolve into secure attachment. 

And if you want results faster, here’s how the MacWilliam Method can help you.

The MacWilliam Method

The MacWilliam Method is my approach to healing attachment wounds.

It is based on the idea that self-mastery evolves out of a continuous loop between conscious awareness and creative expression. The method leverages three practical tools to maintain its momentum and heal attachment wounds. They are:

  1. Cognitive reframing
  2. Body activation
  3. Arts-based experientials 

Through tutorials and psycho-spiritual activities, we reframe experiences on a cognitive level to rewrite painful narratives into positive statements of self-confidence. 

Amanda was a student in The MacWilliam Method course and her success story explains how she saved her marriage. For her, the course answered “why” things were going wrong and gave her the tools to fix them.

She found that the arts-based experientials were especially releasing for her. It opened new things for Amanda and helped her release feelings she didn’t even know she had. 

Art therapy techniques, like the ones in The MacWilliam Method, help tap into your body and brain in new ways. They exercise your creative side and allow you to reframe your thoughts about how you show up to your relationship. These effective experiential practices help students heal their attachment wounds once and for all: 

Over to you!

There you have it. Now you know how to overcome anxious attachment in relationships. 

What it comes down to is understanding how anxious attachment affects you, recognizing triggering behaviors and having patience as you learn to reframe how you show up to your relationship. It takes time, but it’s well worth it for both you and your loved ones.

What’s your #1 question about overcoming anxious attachment?

Let me know in the comments below. 

What is your attachment style is? Take the quiz! 

understand the types of attachment • Articles on the website of the publishing house BOMBORA

  • Articles
  • May 26, 2021

We talk about three types of attachment and explain what to do if your type interferes with building relationships with others.

More interesting things below

He wants to watch TV after work, but she misses him so much. She wants noisy parties, and he likes to be alone with his thoughts. And it seems like they can't be together. But it's not. It is not necessary to part with a loved one, scandal and hurt. It is enough just to find out your type of attachment and build relationships. And the book of family therapist Annie Chen "Attachment Theory" will help with this. nine0010

Anxious type

Traits of people with an anxious type:

  • They are incredibly generous and considerate towards those they care about
  • Fear of being rejected and abandoned
  • Willingly tell others about their feelings
  • Often blame others for their own feelings, eg "You make me feel so bad!".

The biggest fear of people with this type is to be alone. They do not feel safe in a relationship, fear that they will be betrayed and left alone. They really need the support and warmth of a partner. They quickly sink into despair and are disappointed in everything in advance. nine0010

An example of people with an anxious attachment type:

Asha was in her early twenties when she noticed a strange tendency in herself. She easily approached people and made friends, but after a few years the relationship ended because of her anger and jealousy, since the interests of friends were not always connected only with her.

Healing the Anxious Self

If you recognize yourself in the description of the anxiety type and want to change something, here are a few steps to help you do it: nine0010

  • Be patient with people
  • Remember that if someone cannot meet your needs, there is nothing wrong with that.
  • Learn to trust your partner and look for support within yourself
  • Forgive yourself for everything you have done in the past
  • Treat yourself with understanding

Avoidant

Avoidant traits:

  • Self-reliant and prefer to handle problems on their own nine0004
  • Do not complain or whine
  • Talk about anything but themselves
  • Often notice memory problems
  • Avoid conflicts and negative emotions.

Avoidance behavior can manifest itself in various ways: through ignoring the conflict, through denial of what is happening, or even through avoidance of reality.

There are milder reactions: the desire to please others or to be needed - up to the rejection of one's needs. Reactions can be different, the main thing is that they help a person protect himself from feelings of shame and insecurity. nine0010

An example of avoidant attachments:

Kyle has been married for sixteen years. In recent years, quarrels with his wife have become much more frequent. The wife complained that Kyle does not talk about his feelings and reacts to everything with hostility. Kyle, on the other hand, wanted his wife to be happy, but did not know what was needed for this, so every time the woman raised this topic again and again, he plunged into stress.

Healing the avoidant self

If you recognize yourself in the description of an avoidant type of attachment and it has spoiled your relationship more than once, remember that this is not your fault. These patterns of behavior were established in childhood, before you learned to make your own decisions. nine0010

Here are some steps to help build stronger relationships:

  • Accept your wants and needs
  • Learn to be more open with loved ones
  • Accept that everyone is different
  • Learn to deal with other people if you offend them.

Reliable type

Traits of people with reliable type:

  • Easily adapt to new conditions and changing circumstances nine0004
  • Believe in relationships and prioritize them
  • Appreciate working on relationships, especially if things go wrong
  • Deal with difficulties and disagreements with confidence.

A reliable type of attachment allows a person to think clearly and adequately perceive the situation, even if a conflict arises. A person with this type does not experience stress due to closeness with other people. For people with secure attachments, connecting with others is a natural human need, a pleasant experience that they enjoy. nine0010

An example of people with secure attachments:

Last year, Tilda faced a real set of bad luck. She was laid off at work, her mother died of cancer, and a few months later her house and her husband burned down in a terrible fire. Tilda appreciates her marriage because, going through all these difficulties, her relationship with her husband has become a source of stability for her. “It was tough for both of us, but we knew we would break through eventually. I don’t even know what I would do without him, ”Tilda shared. nine0041

It is important to remember that any type of attachment can be developed. This is not an innate, but an acquired quality.

Annie Chen's book Attachment Theory will help you build relationships with family, colleagues, and friends. In it you will find exercises, practices and tests that will allow you to better understand yourself and others and start building healthy relationships.

Buy a book.

Tell everyone what an interesting article you found!

Attachment theory. Effective Practices to Build Strong Relationships with Loved Ones and PartnerAnnie Chen

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How to stop worrying and being sad, get along with generations X, Y and Z and find your love. nine0010

what it is and how to get rid of it — karpachoff.com

In a relationship, it is sometimes difficult to stop controlling your partner too much, give him a little more freedom and at the same time maintain intimacy. It could be an anxious attachment. What it is, what kind of people it is peculiar to, what are the characteristic features and how to work it out, read on.

Anxious attachment: what is it? Such people are characterized by self-doubt, jealousy, dependence on the opinions of others or the need to control personal contacts and the behavior of loved ones. For example, such a person may install a program to track the location of a spouse or child. nine0010

Characteristic features of people with an anxious type of attachment

People with an anxious type of attachment are distinguished by:

  • Thirst for attention from other people. It seems to anxious individuals that their partner devotes little time to them, and as a result, they begin to compare themselves with others. Such a person wants his thoughts to be guessed, and events to be anticipated, because of this, misunderstandings and quarrels often arise.
  • They perceive failures in life as a personal defeat , therefore, they are often prone to a pessimistic view of the world. And they also like to argue and prove their point of view, even if it is wrong.
  • Inability to trust. Such a person cannot trust anyone, therefore he is often haunted by problems in interpersonal relationships. Suspicious about everything new, afraid that the partner will fall out of love, afraid to make a mistake in the relationship.
  • Fear of loneliness. Having an anxious type of attachment, a person is afraid to be alone, while not trusting others, because he is afraid of rejection. Can place the blame for their feelings on a partner. nine0004
  • Fear of independence. In a relationship, he wants to merge with a partner, to become a single whole, without having his own desires and needs. It is difficult for him to be independent and independent, therefore, in relationships he can show emotionality, dependence, jealousy, not give freedom to a partner, which can lead to a break in relations.

It must be remembered that anxious attachment is rather difficult to correct. But if you set a goal and enlist the help of a psychologist, you can learn to accept your strengths and weaknesses. nine0010

What are the characters and what are their differences?

How to work through the anxious type of attachment

This feature is formed in early childhood if the parents were not always with the child. Perhaps, in some situations, the mother showed care and love, and in others - rejection and hatred, or perhaps she was simply far away, for example, on a trip. As a result, there was a lack of confidence that he would be helped and not rejected. Therefore, the child at one time was afraid to study the world around him, to build friendly relations with children. nine0010

A person cannot change the events that happened in childhood, but he can help himself in adulthood to accept this situation. Images stored in the subconscious can tell a lot, and exercises to uncover subconscious attitudes will help work out the anxious type of attachment. We will talk about correction methods below.

Formation of a sense of self-acceptance

Learn to accept yourself and love. Do not be afraid to show feelings and emotions. If something doesn’t work out, then you don’t have to blame yourself for it. If in childhood a person did not develop a sense of acceptance of the world around him, then with the help of psychological techniques and exercises it is possible to form it. This is where a good psychologist can help. nine0010

Stabilization of the emotional state

If you have uncontrollable outbursts of anger, aggression and anger, then you can learn to control them using self-regulation techniques that help you consciously manage emotions. Let's describe two simple exercises to control manifestations of emotions .

  1. The first exercise - let go of the negative. In a situation of anger or anger, imagine that your emotion is a balloon that you release into the sky. Let go of the negative and remember the positive. nine0004
  2. The second exercise - visualize pleasant memories. If you quarreled with your loved one, then remember the positive situations from your life together.

How do you feel in the first and second exercise? Remember them, separate them. So you can assess the current situation without negative emotions.

Building self-confidence

Positive thinking helps you see the good in any situation. Here are some simple ways to become a confident person: