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How to get someone out of your life


How to Cut Toxic People Out of Your Life

Editor’s note: This is a guest post from AJ Harbinger.

There’s an old myth that frogs will pull down other frogs trying to escape a pot of boiling water. That’s likely the stuff of folklore, but the dynamic is real: in everyone’s life, there will always be people who will resist, threaten, and sabotage the possibility of self-improvement.

This general group of people — whom we can safely call “toxic” — might resent your progress for any number of reasons. Perhaps they think you’ll no longer be in their life if you improve too much. Maybe they feel like your improvement exposes their own shortcomings. Or perhaps they’re just threatened by the idea of change.

The causes are less important than the effects, which can take the form of anger, resentment, frustration, manipulation, or cruelty (or a debilitating combination thereof). At any given moment, you might be finding yourself dealing with toxic friends, family members, or colleagues who — consciously or unconsciously — are sabotaging your happiness and growth. Identifying these individuals and understanding how to manage them is absolutely crucial to your well-being, success, and happiness.

So in this piece, we’re going to discuss how to recognize toxic people and navigate the often difficult and emotional process of removing these toxic people from your life.

Because in a very real way, your future depends on it.

How to Know Who’s Truly Toxic

“Toxic” gets overused a lot these days, so let’s be clear about what we mean.

Some people in life are kind of a drag — annoying, difficult, demanding, or otherwise unpleasant. These people are not “toxic,” in the strict sense of the term. They’re just generally undesirable. With this (admittedly large) group of people, you might want to create a little distance, but you won’t have the same urgency to cut them out of your life.

Toxicity really exists on a spectrum. On one end, there’s your old friend from high school who won’t shut up about how you don’t spend enough time together. On the other end, there’s your ex-girlfriend who is still capable of manipulating you into fits of rage. Your friend might be frustrating, but your ex-girlfriend is probably toxic.

Of course, tolerance for toxicity is relative to each person — you have to decide when someone requires distance and when they need to be cut out of your life. Those lines vary from person to person. For example, your sister will probably get more leeway than a coworker, but everyone’s sister and coworkers are different, and everyone has a different threshold.

What we’re talking about here is true toxicity — the kind that infects, metastasizes, and takes over your life. Here are a few classic signs of toxic people:

  • Toxic people try to control you. Strange as it might sound, people who aren’t in control of their own lives tend to want to control yours. The toxic look for ways to control others, either through overt methods or subtle manipulation.
  • Toxic people disregard your boundaries. If you’re always telling someone to stop behaving a certain way and they only continue, that person is probably toxic. Respecting the boundaries of others comes naturally to well-adjusted adults. The toxic person thrives on violating them.
  • Toxic people take without giving. Give and take is the lifeblood of true friendship. Sometimes you need a hand, and sometimes your friend does, but in the end it more or less evens out. Not with the toxic person — they’re often there to take what they can get from you, as long as you’re willing to give it.
  • Toxic people are always “right.” They’re going to find ways to be right even when they’re not. They rarely (if ever) admit when they’ve messed up, miscalculated, or misspoken.
  • Toxic people aren’t honest. I’m not talking about natural exaggerations, face-saving, or white lies here. I’m talking about blatant and repeated patterns of dishonesty.
  • Toxic people love to be victims. The toxic revel in being a victim of the world. They seek to find ways to feel oppressed, put down, and marginalized in ways they clearly are not. This might take the form of excuses, rationalizations, or out-and-out blaming.
  • Toxic people don’t take responsibility. Part of the victim mentality comes from a desire to avoid responsibility. When the world is perpetually against them, their choices and actions can’t possibly be responsible for the quality of their life — it’s “just the way things are.”

Do any of these sound familiar? They might help diagnose toxicity in the people around you, even if the toxic pattern isn’t always or immediately obvious. In fact, toxicity can easily go unnoticed for years until you stop to consider your own experience of a difficult person. Though our thresholds for toxicity are relative, that’s often because we fail to recognize the symptoms.

So how do you go about removing toxic people from your life?

Why Removing Toxic People from Your Life Is So Important

It’s rare for a toxic person to totally sabotage your attempts at self-improvement, but it does happen. At the very least, they will certainly slow your progress. More to the point, would you want someone in your life who’s actively opposed to making your life better?

The answer, of course, is no. And yet that can be hard to accept, until you begin to recognize the effects of toxicity within you.

Under the influence of a toxic person, you might second guess yourself on an important decision. You might feel sad, uncomfortable, and downright ashamed about your own progress and well-being. You might even take on some of the same toxic qualities you resent in others — something that happens to the best of us — because toxic people have a peculiar way of making you toxic yourself.

(In fact, the contagiousness of toxicity is a natural defense mechanism. Howard Bloom in The Lucifer Principle explains how increased toxicity of cyanobacteria was one of the first evolutionary adaptations — bacteria actually evolved to get more and more toxic in order to survive. The same applies to humans on the macro level. )

And more often than not, the pattern happens without us even realizing. If you’ve ever had a toxic boss, then you know how this works: his behavior makes you irritable and bitter, so you lose your temper with the team working under you, which causes your employees to become increasingly difficult with one another, which causes them to bring that attitude home to their friends and family, and before you know it, the poison has unconsciously spread.

That’s how toxicity works. It’s contagious and insidious, even in kind, well-adjusted people. That’s what makes it so dangerous, and that’s why removing toxic people from your life is so critical.

How to Cut Out the Truly Toxic People

First, a quick warning: Cutting toxic people out of your life can blow up in your face. That’s part of the disease. With that said, it’s absolutely crucial to remove these people from your life in a healthy and rational way.

So how do you go about removing these toxic people from your life and reclaiming the time and energy you’ve been giving them?

  • Accept that it might be a process. Getting rid of toxic elements isn’t always easy. They don’t respect your boundaries now, so it’s likely they won’t respect them later. They might come back even after you tell them to go away. You might have to tell them to leave several times before they finally do. So keep in mind that distancing yourself is a gradual process.
  • Don’t feel like you owe them a huge explanation. Any explaining you do is more for you than for them. Again, tell them how you feel, which is a subject not open for debate. Or, if you prefer, keep it simple: Tell them calmly and kindly that you don’t want them in your life anymore, and leave it at that. How much or how little you tell them is really up to you. Every relationship requires a different approach.
  • Talk to them in a public place. It’s not unheard of for toxic people to get belligerent or even violent. Talking to them publicly can significantly diminish the chances of this happening. If you run into problems, you can just get up and leave.
  • Block them on social media. Technology makes distancing more difficult, so don’t leave any window open for them to bully or cajole you. You’ve set boundaries. Stick to them. This includes preventing them from contacting you via social media, if appropriate. Shutting down email and other lines of communication with a toxic person might also be in order.
  • Don’t argue — just restate your boundaries. It’s tempting to fall into the dynamic of toxicity by arguing or fighting — that is precisely what toxic people do. In the event they do return, make a promise with yourself to avoid an argument. Firmly restate your boundaries, then end communication. You’re not trying to “debate” the person into leaving you alone. This isn’t a negotiation. You can, however, make it less and less attractive for them to keep bothering you. “Do not feed the trolls!”
  • Consider writing a letter. Writing yourself a letter is a sort of dress rehearsal for an in-person conversation. You’re clarifying your thoughts and articulating your feelings. You can also refer back to the letter later, if you need to remember why you made the decision to cut someone out. Because toxic people often do everything they can to stay in your life, you’ll need all the help you can get.
  • Consider creating distance instead of separation. Remember the person we talked about above — the one who’s not toxic, but just a drag? You don’t have to cut these people out of your life completely. You just need to create distance by occupying your time with other friends and activities, and agreeing not to feed into their dynamic.

And in many cases, you might not have to “do” anything at all.

For many toxic relationships — especially with friends and colleagues — you’ll only need to make an internal decision to create some space, without having a bigger conversation with the toxic person again. Remember: you don’t owe anyone an explanation. You can just slowly ghost out of their life to the degree necessary, until you’re no longer affected by the toxicity. That might seem obvious, but it can be tempting to think that you have to make your distancing obvious and vocal, when in fact most of the work is on your side of the equation. Like a fire, you can simply stop feeding the flames.

Still, there’s one specific scenario in which you might have to handle things a little differently: when toxic people are your blood relatives.

What to Do When a Toxic Person Is a Family Member

A toxic relative is a sticky situation. There are no easy answers, and no standard answers that are right for everyone.

Still, cutting out toxic family members might be the most important cut you’ll ever make. Family has a unique way of getting under your skin and directly influencing your thoughts, behaviors, and choices. Relatives don’t own you simply by virtue of being blood. Being family doesn’t confer any special exceptions to toxicity. Relatives don’t have a magical license to screw up your life. Remember that.

Which is why simply creating distance from toxic relatives is probably the best move, whether it’s physical or emotional. But when it comes to family (as opposed to friends or colleagues), your distancing might require some special allowances. You might distance yourself emotionally, while still recognizing that you’ll have to interact with this person on a practical level (by seeing them at holiday dinners, say, or taking care of a parent together). Indeed, your distancing with a family member might require you to disentangle your practical involvement from your emotional involvement — you’ll still agree to engage with this person when necessary, but you’ll refuse to let them drag you into the emotional pattern of toxicity.

The important thing with family is to tread lightly and make calm, rational decisions, because how you deal with a toxic family member can color your entire family relationship. There are often larger ripple effects in a family than there are in a friendship or workplace.

So ask yourself: What blowback will you get from other family members? What will the holidays be like? Can you realistically cut them out completely? You might answer these questions and still decide to separate yourself. Or you might adjust your approach accordingly. The important thing is to take the time to consider the dynamic and the effects of the situation before making a decision.

I won’t lie: Cutting people (especially family) out of your life can be one of the most challenging things you can do. But as we’ve said, it’s also one of the most liberating and life-changing decisions you’ll ever make.

Most importantly, cutting toxic people out sends a key message to yourself. You’re saying: “I have value.” You’re prioritizing your happiness over someone else’s dysfunction. Once you recognize how toxic people can erode this basic sense of self-worth, it becomes harder and harder to allow them in your life.

So tell us: Have you ever had to cut a toxic person out of your life? How did you do it? What was the outcome? I’d also love to hear about toxic people you don’t know how to get rid of. Either way, here’s to improving your social circle and your happiness this year — by subtraction as well as addition.

__________

This piece originally appeared on Art of Charm and was written by AJ Harbinger. Harbinger is the CEO and co-founder of The Art of Charm, and the host of the The Art of Charm Podcast. He lives in Hollywood, California, which provides no shortage of places for him to test and develop the techniques for successful social dynamics taught by The Art of Charm.

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Ghosting Vs Ways To Cut People Out Of Your Life Nicely

Photographed by Natalia Mantini.

These days, self-care (as defined by the internet) seems to involve a number of things: staying in with your friends, saying no to plans you don't want to make, shamelessly treating yourself (often to things you don't need), and the old favorite — cutting people out of your life.

Cutting people off, specifically, "toxic" people, has become go-to advice in the age of self-care, implying that a lot of your problems will end when you eliminate the relationships that you've outgrown. But is it really that easy?

Vera Eck, MFT, an Imago relationship therapist based in Los Angeles, says that the key to cutting someone out of your life in a healthy way is about how you end things: whether you tell them directly that things aren't working out or you just drop the ball on your relationship.

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To be fair, there are certain circumstances where it's totally warranted for you to end things cold turkey, without communicating how you feel.

"I think cutting someone off is warranted in extreme circumstances, safety being the first one," Eck says. "So if there is any kind of abuse, physical, emotional, or even financial, and that’s being addressed and it’s not being respected, then absolutely — there’s no discussion, that person needs to leave the abuser as soon as possible."

But beyond that, Eck says, if you feel like a relationship (whether it's a friendship, romantic relationship, or otherwise) has run its course, you should step up and tell the person. It's one thing if the both of you have naturally drifted apart, but if someone is still hanging on to you, not addressing the issue isn't great manners. Sure, it might be awkward, but Eck says that it's the kinder, more mature thing to do.

“

You don’t owe anyone anything, but it’s not about that. It’s about treating others how you want to be treated.

Vera Eck, MFT

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"You don’t owe anyone anything, but it’s not about that," she says. "It’s about treating others how you want to be treated."

In other words, it's about having respect for someone as a person. Plus, part of self-care is addressing your feelings and dealing with relationship problems in a healthy way.

"If there’s something that you don’t like in the relationship that makes you want to leave and you decide not to address it by ghosting someone, then you’re just not going to grow as a human being," she says. "You’re not going to improve your communication skills, you’re not going to improve your relationship skills. "

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If you want to end a relationship, it might be helpful to sit down, before you even talk to the person, and think about what you expect to happen. For example, if you're already going into this conversation with no intention of fixing the relationship you have, be straightforward.

"Address it with the person, and find the courage to state your truth," Eck says.

Think about all the times you wished you had closure when a relationship ended: You don't owe anyone the act of closure, but we all know being left hanging isn't fun.

"You may not want to hurt someone, but that's just part of the human experience," Eck says. "You have to have the courage to risk hurting someone and to tolerate those uncomfortable feelings."

Having to end a relationship isn't a bad thing, and sometimes, it's essential. We all deserve to live our best lives without anything weighing us down — but preferably without a trail of broken people in our wake.

Read These Stories Next:

Here's How To Break Up With A Friend — & Not Feel Like A Jerk

Do We Owe Explanations To The People We Ghost?

What Happened When I Interviewed 4 Guys Who Ghosted Me

8 tips on how to forget a person - HEROINE

Have you ever caught yourself thinking that you can't stop thinking about someone every day? Have you found a person in your environment with whom you definitely want to make friends, but still do not take the first step? Do you go to your ex's profile every day because you can't stop thinking about him and get him out of your head?

Psychotherapist Kate Stewart says certain brain chemistry may be to blame, especially if your obsession is with someone you've recently met. When we connect with a person, it results in the release of dopamine in the brain, which creates a pleasant feeling that you have completed a big task. nine0003

It is almost impossible to break this connection in one day, especially to forget a beloved and dear person. But there are some important steps you can take to permanently stop thinking about the person who is no longer in your life.

1. Anger prevents us from forgetting them

Buddhist meditation teacher Norman Fisher believes that the biggest problem we face when we want to forget someone and get thoughts of them out of our heads is our own anger. It creates a cloud of emotions that interferes with being productive, so anger is your biggest problem. Talk to yourself - use meditation techniques, exercise, take longer walks and give yourself a little more time to get over the breakup. nine0003

2. Get rid of guilt

Remembering the past and trying to blame yourself for things that can no longer be corrected is not effective. Bad things happen so unexpectedly, as if they were a chain of dominoes, and no one can be sure of the final result of any of their actions.

We tend to think that we could have done differently and prevented what happened. But we can't change what happened five minutes ago, nor what happened the day before yesterday, so discard the thoughts and ideas that require a time flywheel. nine0003

3. Don't try to understand others

If suddenly someone else tries to understand you and begins to speculate about your motives, how exactly will he be able to hit the target? Instead of controlling the thoughts of others, it is better to focus on clearing your own mind, as this is the only thing in your power. Finding out what's in the other person's head is a waste of time, and most importantly, energy.

4. Don't concentrate on your thoughts

Don't believe everything you think. Our emotions - anxiety, tension, fear and stress - are in our bodies, but do not become what surrounds us. Tibetan Buddhist Tsokini Rinpoche says that if we are emotionally involved in regret, fear, worry, and anger, then our emotional and physical state is "real, but not true." Don't trust every little thought that comes to mind. In a state of stress, any negative thought is stronger than a positive one, and this leads to delusions. nine0003

5. Goodbye

Do not suffer, feel sorry for yourself and concentrate on the injury that you received. Yes, it really happened to you. Yes, it really was terrible. If you want to quickly put your mind in order and stop thinking about it, then forgive and let go. You do not have to directly ask for forgiveness, especially if you do not have such an opportunity. Exactly the same as waiting for someone to come to you for forgiveness. Forgiveness is important only for your inner state. We forgive so that we can live without the pain of dwelling on the past. nine0003

6. Keep your mind occupied

Research shows that vivid fantasies help you recover from disturbing thoughts. Imagine that you are lying on the beach and admiring the dolphins jumping out of the water. Watch your thoughts and find peace.

Imagine a small ball of light on your hand and mentally send it to the person you can't get out of your head. Envelop him with this light, without missing a single part, and hold until the moment when your anger, resentment and disappointment disappear. nine0003

7. Take a break for 90 seconds

Break your own pattern and habit of thinking about this person. Neuropsychiatrist Dan Siegel believes that any emotion can subside in just 90 seconds, like a high sea wave. Give yourself 90 seconds - about 15 deep breaths in and out - to not think about that person or situation.

8. Don't expect things to get better quickly

All these tips on how to forget someone you once loved will require patience and time. Many people lose it at the first point, and all the hard work of getting thoughts of it out of their heads goes to waste. All you need is concentration on your own feelings. Do not try to specifically look for hooks or signs that can lead you to thoughts about this person - this will not help you forget him, but will only delay the recovery process. nine0003

Is it difficult for you to forget someone?

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How to erase a person from life

Unfortunately, people who once seemed like real friends or loved ones often turn their bad side to us. Cheating, betrayal, deceit, manipulation, rough treatment and other actions - all this indicates that this person will bring only pain and suffering into your life. At some point, when we begin to realize that we should delete a person from life in order to get rid of negative emotions and feelings. nine0003

However, hardened manipulators and manipulators do not immediately let go of their victim. A guy who cheated on you right and left may be begging you for months to come back, literally stalking you near work or university, sending dozens of SMS and emails. A friend who makes fun of you behind your back may, as if nothing had happened, call and write to you, depicting “genuine” surprise and resentment that you do not want to communicate with her.

The problem is that even if you understand that these people will never change (the guy will continue to cheat on you, since such depraved behavior has become his second nature, the girlfriend will continue to discuss and insult you, because she simply does not know how to behave differently ), it will be difficult for you to resist a set of such charm and desire to continue a relationship or just chat. For example, your ex may deliberately give you flowers in front of your friends, so that they begin to ask in surprise, “Why are you kicking this guy off?”, “Are you snickering, throwing men around?” and thereby forced you, willy-nilly, to think about returning to the former. At the same time, all the flowers and the compliments and promises sent by SMS will be just well-thought-out manipulations in order to return you to your place. nine0003

1. First of all, consider whether the person has really behaved so badly towards you that you are ready to completely stop communication and friendship. Sometimes we think too emotionally and are ready to "anathematize" our boyfriend just because he was forced to be late for a date, as he was detained by his boss. Or record a friend as an enemy if she just criticized the new hairstyle.

In this case, rather, it is worth thinking about your self-esteem and why an innocent act or remark causes you so much indignation. nine0003

However, if you know for sure that someone intentionally hurts, insults, or humiliates you and intends to do so in the future, the desire to cut this person out of your life is quite justified.

2. Ask yourself if you are ready to completely stop communicating with this person? Are there any circumstances in your life that will prevent you from erasing him from your life? If you have to intersect with unpleasant people at work or at school, then you will not be able to completely stop communication, you can only minimize it. nine0003

By the way, this is why many experts advise not to have an affair at work, because after a breakup it will be rather unpleasant for you to see your ex every day. And many psychologists even advise to distinguish between friendly and professional relations: at work, colleagues work next to you, not friends, do not spill water.

3. If you have firmly decided to cut a person out of your life and you know that you have no circumstances that could prevent this, all that remains for you is to show firmness and purposefulness. nine0003

First of all, cut off all contact with this person completely. Do not answer calls, block him on social networks, if possible, do not visit places where he (a) goes. Explain the situation to your trusted close friends, tell them that you no longer want to be in a relationship with the person you don't like, and ask that they not be mentioned in a conversation with you.

Be prepared for the fact that you will begin to doubt your decision, to ask yourself if I am acting too cruelly, if our mutual acquaintances will not condemn me. At this moment, you have only one way to get rid of such thoughts - just remember how much pain the person who betrayed you caused you.

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