How to outwit a psychopath

This Is How To Deal With Psychopaths And Toxic People: 5 Proven Secrets

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Before we commence with the festivities, I wanted to thank everyone for helping my first book become a Wall Street Journal bestseller. To check it out, click here.

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I know what some people are thinking: I’m never going to deal with psychopaths. This is just more sensational clickbait junk.

Wrong. The experts are betting you probably encounter a psychopath every day. In fact, a lot of what you think you know about psychopaths is very wrong.

Yes, psychopaths are more likely to be in jail than most people — but the majority of them aren’t. There’s a whole class of people who don’t have a conscience or feel empathy, and in all likelihood you deal with at least one all the time.

And they probably make your life miserable. They’re “subclinical psychopaths.” With biology, you either have tuberculosis or you don’t. Black and white. There’s no “kinda.” In psychology there’s a lot of “kinda.” People with subclinical psychological disorders are like this. Not bad enough to go to prison, but plenty bad enough to make your life awful.

The Machiavellian manipulators at work who do all kinds of nasty — but without leaving fingerprints. The bad boyfriends and girlfriends who drive you crazy — sometimes quite deliberately.

Think Frank Underwood in “House of Cards” — but without the murder. And research shows many US presidents have had psychopathic traits. Which profession has the most psychopaths? The answer is: CEOs.

Yup, studies show there are a disproportionate number of psychopaths in corporate America. (In fact, some psychopathic traits are more common in CEO’s than in mentally disturbed criminals.)

But nobody in HR tells you you might be working with some really awful people, let alone how to survive next to them. Corporations say things like, “We do not tolerate abusive or disrespectful treatment. Ruthlessness, callousness, and arrogance don’t belong here.”

That’s from Enron’s 1998 Annual Report, by the way.

Alright, we got some learnin’ to do. Let’s find out from research and experts what the real deal is with psychopaths, and what you can do to protect yourself from these very toxic people…

What Is A Psychopath?

Psychopath. Sociopath. For our purposes they’re the same. And don’t get them confused with “psychotic.” Psychotic means you’re seeing elves and unicorns. Psychopaths see the world quite clearly.

Perhaps too clearly. As Ronald Schouten, professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School explains, they don’t let pesky things like conscience or empathy get in the way. Because they don’t possess either of them.

From Almost a Psychopath:

Psychopathy is a psychological condition in which the individual shows a profound lack of empathy for the feelings of others, a willingness to engage in immoral and antisocial behavior for short-term gains, and extreme egocentricity.

No, they don’t all have cold, dead eyes and wear a hockey mask. Many are witty and quite articulate. They’re narcissistic and impulsive. And because they lack empathy they see other people as objects to be used.

Just because they don’t feel empathy doesn’t mean they don’t understand it. And many get quite good at faking it. All the better to manipulate you to get what they want.

Neuroscience research shows the emotional centers of their brains don’t respond the way yours do.

From Snakes in Suits: When Psychopaths Go to Work:

In several functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) brain imaging studies, Hare and his associates found that emotional words and unpleasant pictures did not produce in psychopaths the increases in the activity of brain (limbic) regions normally associated with the processing of emotional material.

But it’s worse than that. As Ronald Schouten reports, when neuroscientists did a PET scan of psychopaths after giving them amphetamines, the nucleus accumbens section of their grey matter produced four times as much dopamine.

Translation: rewarding stuff is far, far more rewarding to them. So you consider doing something mean and your conscience slams the brakes. But psychopaths’ brake line has been cut. And stuff they want is four times as rewarding to them. So someone also put a brick on their accelerator.

Some people might think: I have done bad things. And I find some things really rewarding. Oh my god! I’m worried that I’m a psychopath!

If you’re worried that you’re a psychopath, you’re not a psychopath — because psychopaths don’t worry.

From The Psychopath Test:

…suffering from anxiety is the neurological opposite of being a psychopath when it comes to amygdala function.

So how do we make these people better? We don’t. In fact, treatment makes them worse. Teaching them about empathy doesn’t make them more empathetic. It just teaches them how to fake it better. They see treatment as “finishing school.”

Violent psychopaths given counseling were 20% more likely to re-offend.

From The Psychopath Test:

…two researchers in the early 1990s had undertaken a detailed study of the long-term recidivism rates of psychopaths who had been through Elliott’s program and been let out into society. Its publication would surely have been an extraordinary moment for Elliott and Gary and the Capsule. In regular circumstances, 60 percent of criminal psychopaths released into the outside world go on to re-offend. What percentage of their psychopaths had? As it turned out: 80 percent.

(To learn more about the science of a successful life, check out my bestselling book here.)

Okay, but this sounds extreme. And it is. You probably don’t know any full blown psychopaths, impulsively going after whatever they want with no conscience to reign them in…

But you probably do know a “subclinical” psychopath or two…

Subclinical Psychopaths

So what happens when you dial down the psychopathy a bit, turn off the impulsiveness and add in a little conscientiousness so they can graduate law school or business school?

You get a psychopath who blends in at work just fine. And they chase their rewards, ignore morality and are quite good at covering their tracks.

Robert Hare, the criminal psychologist who developed the test used to evaluate psychopaths explains:

…many psychopaths never go to prison or any other facility. They appear to function reasonably well— as lawyers, doctors, psychiatrists, academics, mercenaries, police officers, cult leaders, military personnel, businesspeople, writers, artists, entertainers, and so forth— without breaking the law, or at least without being caught and convicted. These individuals are every bit as egocentric, callous, and manipulative as the average criminal psychopath; however, their intelligence, family background, social skills, and circumstances permit them to construct a facade of normalcy and to get what they want with relative impunity.

And how many people like this are running around? Now full-blown psychopaths are about 1% of the population. So that’s 3 million in the US alone. But subclinical psychopaths? Schouten says they’re more like 5-15%.

From Almost a Psychopath:

Studies that examined the prevalence of subclinical psychopathy in student populations in the United States and Sweden showed rates in the range of 5 to 15 percent… 5 to 15 percent of the population means that for every twenty people, up to three of them may fall within the almost psychopath range.

(To learn how to deal with a narcissist, click here.)

So subclinical psychopaths aren’t chopping people up with an axe. But they are ruthlessly going after what they want without any concern for those around them. How do they do it? If they’re breaking hearts and infesting corporations, how do they not get caught?

How Do Psychopaths Get What They Want?

Hare says that whether subclinical psychopaths are screwing up your love life or your workplace, they usually follow a three step process:

They assess the utility, weaknesses and defenses of those around them,
They manipulate others to bond with them and get what they want,
They abandon their targets and move on… Or, in a corporate environment, often move up.

From Snakes in Suits: When Psychopaths Go to Work:

First, they assess the value of individuals to their needs, and identify their psychological strengths and weaknesses. Second, they manipulate the individuals (now potential victims) by feeding them carefully crafted messages, while constantly using feedback from them to build and maintain control. Not only is this an effective approach to take with most people, it also allows psychopaths to talk their way around and out of any difficulty quickly and effectively if confronted or challenged. Third, they leave the drained and bewildered victims when they are bored or otherwise through with them.

If they invade your personal life, they turn on that artificial empathy and charm. They listen to hear what you think of yourself and reinforce that. The message? I like who you are. Then they pretend they share similar qualities. Message? I am just like you.

It’s not much different at the office. They get to know everyone and use that fake empathy to make a good first impression and quickly figure out who has the power.

From Snakes in Suits: When Psychopaths Go to Work:

Once they join the company, psychopaths try to meet as many people in the company as they can, spreading positive first impressions and collecting as much information as possible. While meeting and greeting organization members, they study their coworkers’ organizational roles and almost instinctively assess their short-and long-range utility or value. A person’s value is based on where he or she fits into the organizational hierarchy (sometimes referred to as position power), technical abilities (expert power), access to information (knowledge power), and whether he or she controls staff, money, and other assets (resource power).

Turns out it’s quite easy for them. Their thrill seeking nature is mistaken for prized employee qualities like “high energy” and being “action oriented. ” And their lack of feelings? Oh, in the business world we call that “ability to make tough decisions.” Or someone who is “cool under fire.” You know… the stuff leaders are made of.

And then they go to work making sure they look good, their rivals look bad and that all the evidence is well hidden.

From Snakes in Suits: When Psychopaths Go to Work:

Specifically, their game plans involved manipulating communication networks to enhance their own reputation, to disparage others, and to create conflicts and rivalries among organization members, thereby keeping them from sharing information that might uncover the deceit. They also spread disinformation in the interest of protecting their scam and furthering their own careers. Being exceedingly clever and secretive, they were able to cloak their association with the disinformation, leading others to believe that they were innocent of manipulation.

If they’ve invaded your personal life, they use that bonding to start getting what they want from you. In the workplace they quickly distinguish between “pawns” and “patrons.”

Pawns are the co-workers and subordinates they manipulate like chess pieces. Patrons are upper management who they get close to for help climbing the corporate ladder.

Maybe someone does catch on to their schemes. But did the whistleblower spend time making sure upper management likes and trusts them? Because the psychopath did. Guess who senior management trusts?

From Snakes in Suits: When Psychopaths Go to Work:

We believe that a breakdown begins to occur when the psychopath’s web of deceit and manipulation becomes unwieldy and too many people have had glimpses of their dark side. Eventually, someone tries to do something about it. A former pawn might challenge or confront the individual, and perhaps even try to bring the situation to the attention of higher-ups. Unfortunately, by this time the psychopath is well positioned through the influence networks already established with others in the power hierarchy. The tables are turned because the credibility of the complaining employee has already been “managed” and undermined.

(To learn how to be happier and more successful, click here.)

Now is not the time to stop reading. As Yoda said, “If you end your training now – if you choose the quick and easy path as Vader did – you will become an agent of evil.”

So if psychopaths are so good at covering their tracks, how do we spot them?

How To Identify A Psychopath

Now don’t go falling into the trap of playing amateur psychoanalyst, calling everyone who has ever been mean to you a psychopath. But, that said, this is an area where the research says you actually might be able to “trust your gut.”

Studies show psychopaths really do make some people feel queasy. Why? The researchers suspect it might be an evolutionary response to an “intraspecies predator.”

From Snakes in Suits: When Psychopaths Go to Work:

In a recent study, researchers J. Reid Meloy and M. J. Meloy studied the reactions of mental health and criminal justice professionals concerning their “physical reactions” while interviewing psychopathic offenders or patients. The reactions were varied and included sensations and feelings that were gastrointestinal (queasy stomach, feeling of illness), muscular (shaky feeling, weakness), cardiovascular (pounding heart), pulmonary (shortness of breath.) The authors suggested that their findings could be interpreted as suggestive evidence of a primitive, autonomic, and fearful response to a predator. They described the psychopath as an intraspecies predator.

(Sad part is that psychopaths have a “Spidey-sense” too. Research shows they actually can tell which people are vulnerable targets, just by looking at them.)

Beyond that, be skeptical of people who aggressively turn on the charm. If someone is going out of their way to flatter you, ask yourself “Why?”

And you know that old saying about not trusting people who are nice to you but mean to waiters at a restaurant? Turns out it’s true. Psychopaths and narcissists are extremely status conscious with a strong tendency to “kiss up and kick down.”

From Without Conscience:

Referring to psychologist Harry Levinson’s work on healthy and unhealthy narcissism in managers, Hogan noted that unhealthy narcissists have an almost grandiose sense of certainty and a disdain for subordinates. “They are particularly good at ingratiating themselves with their seniors but brutalize their juniors,” he is quoted as saying.

(To learn a Navy SEAL’s secrets to grit and resilience, click here.)

Alright, so you’re pretty sure this new person in your life or that new co-worker at the office is manipulative and playing puppet-master. How do the experts recommend you deal with them?

1) Don’t.

The End.

Oh, if only it were that easy… All the resources I looked at had the same primary suggestion: just get the heck away from them. If it’s your personal life, that’s do-able. At the office, that may not be an option.

Companies can avoid hiring subclinical psychopaths in the first place by using multiple rounds of structured interviews. Flexible interviewing procedures allow charming predators too much room to use their powers of influence. And check references. Psychopaths lie on resumes. A lot.

But if you have to deal with them as an individual, and you can’t get away, don’t play their games. They’re better at this than you are. They’ve done it before.

Harvard psychologist Martha Stout says you might think you’re being a hero but you’re actually charging into an ambush.

From The Sociopath Next Door:

Do not join the game. Intrigue is a sociopath’s tool. Resist the temptation to compete with a seductive sociopath, to outsmart him, psychoanalyze, or even banter with him. In addition to reducing yourself to his level, you would be distracting yourself from what is really important, which is to protect yourself.

Even if you win, guess what? Now you’re using manipulative games. Stanford professor Bob Sutton, author of Good Boss, Bad Boss, tells all of his students:

When you take a job, take a long look at the people you’re going to be working with — because the odds are you’re going to become like them, they are not going to become like you. You can’t change them. If it doesn’t fit who you are, it’s not going to work.

(To learn how to stop being lazy and get more done, click here.)

But what’s the attitude most people get wrong when dealing with a possible psychopath?

2) Accept That Some People Are Just Bad News

You might believe all people have good in them. Or that every person can be fixed. Or that they’d be better if…

That’s not going to fly here. Sorry.

From The Sociopath Next Door:

The first rule involves the bitter pill of accepting that some people literally have no conscience… Do not try to redeem the unredeemable.

You can’t change them. What you can do is get to know how they work and get to know yourself better. Know where your vulnerabilities lie. Because psychopaths are experts at figuring them out. Address your weaknesses before they exploit them.

From Snakes in Suits: When Psychopaths Go to Work:

As one psychopath put it, “I love do-gooders because they do me such good.”

(To learn the four rituals neuroscience says will make you happy, click here.)

Often a subclinical psychopath is telling so many lies it can be hard to see straight. How do you keep your head clear?

3) Pay Attention To Actions, Not Words

This is another one all the sources agreed on. Don’t listen to the excuses, rationalizations or outright lies. Don’t listen to what they say they will do. Pay attention to what they do do.

Harvard’s Martha Stout recommends using the “Rule of Threes” to tell honest mistakes from manipulative behavior.

From The Sociopath Next Door:

One lie, one broken promise, or a single neglected responsibility may be a misunderstanding instead. Two may involve a serious mistake. But three lies says you’re dealing with a liar, and deceit is the linchpin of conscienceless behavior.

(To learn what psychopaths can teach you about being a happier person, click here.)

Okay, you’re on to them. But they’re a vindictive bunch. How do you protect yourself from retaliation at work?

4) Build Your Reputation And Relationships

The psychopaths at work are always recruiting unsuspecting “patrons” in upper management to unknowingly provide cover for them when rumors about their shady behavior start to circulate.

And they’ll also be leveraging these relationships to spread disinformation and lies about anyone who gets in their way or poses a threat. And that might include you.

So make sure to build your own relationships and keep a reputation as a hard worker. Be above reproach. Don’t be a complainer. That way when you do complain — senior people listen.

From Snakes in Suits: When Psychopaths Go to Work:

To protect yourself, make sure you invest energy in managing your own reputation, build open and honest relationships with peers and your boss, work up to your abilities, and follow applicable policies and procedures.

And if you’re dealing with a possible psychopath in your personal life, relationships are just as important. Friends can often be more objective than you can. When multiple confidantes say “He/She is no good” you might want to listen.

(To learn the eight steps to getting the perfect mentor for you, click here.)

Alright, you’ve tried everything but you still need to work with them. What’s the best way to do that?

5) Win-Win Agreements

Psychopaths are aggressive personalities. They want to win. If you can make it so it’s easier and more enticing for them to work with you than to try to subvert you, you might be able to keep their ruthlessness in check.

From In Sheep’s Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People:

When you bargain with any aggressive personality, try to propose as many win-win scenarios as you can. Doing this is extremely important and requires creativity and a particular mind set. But in my experience, it’s perhaps the single most effective personal empowerment tool because it puts to constructive use the aggressive personality’s determination to win.

(To learn FBI hostage negotiation techniques that will get you what you want, click here.)

Alright, we’ve covered a lot. Let’s round it up and learn the most important thing you need to remember for the long term so a psychopath doesn’t really screw up your life…

Sum Up

Here’s how to deal with a psychopath:

Don’t. 1) Run. 2) Are you sure you can’t run?
Accept that some people are just bad news: A tiger is not a good house pet. And you will not change that fact.
Pay attention to actions, not words: No excuses. No BS. Use the “Rule of Threes.”
Build your reputation and relationships: You need a good defense and good advice.
Win-win agreements: Make it easier to go through you than to destroy you.

When in the middle of a deathmatch with a ruthless monster of a human being, being cynical is like having ESP. A jaded perspective can keep you one step ahead of them. But in the long term it can be toxic.

Don’t give up on all people just because you dealt with a really bad one.

Mother Nature has a sense of humor. On one hand you have psychopaths, who have zero empathy. On the other hand, there are people with Williams Syndrome. They have too much empathy. They trust everyone. They love everyone:

…kids and adults with Williams love people, and they are literally pathologically trusting. They have no social fear. Researchers theorize that this is probably because of a problem in their limbic system, the part of the brain that regulates emotion. There appears to be a disregulation in one of the chemicals (oxytocin) that signals when to trust and when to distrust. This means that it is essentially biologically impossible for kids like Isabelle to distrust.

Some people are too good, some too bad. And most of us are somewhere in the middle. Don’t let a bad experience with one person ruin the party.

From The Sociopath Next Door:

Do not allow someone without conscience, or even a string of such people, to convince you that humanity is a failure. Most human beings do possess conscience. Most human beings are able to love.

To have a happy life and a productive career, you may need to give up on particular people.

But that doesn’t mean you have to give up on people.

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How To Deal With Psychopaths And Toxic People: Five Proven Secrets

The experts are betting you probably encounter a psychopath every day.

Pexels

I know what some people are thinking: I’m never going to deal with psychopaths. This is just more sensational clickbait junk.

Wrong. The experts are betting you probably encounter a psychopath every day. In fact, a lot of what you think you know about psychopaths is very wrong.

The Machiavellian manipulators at work who do all kinds of nasty — but without leaving fingerprints. The bad boyfriends and girlfriends who drive you crazy — sometimes quite deliberately.

Yup, studies show there are a disproportionate number of psychopaths in corporate America. (In fact, some psychopathic traits are more common in CEO’s than in mentally disturbed criminals.)

That’s from Enron’s 1998 Annual Report, by the way.

Alright, we got some learnin’ to do. Let’s find out from research and experts what the real deal is with psychopaths, and what you can do to protect yourself from these very toxic people…

What Is A Psychopath?

From Almost a Psychopath:

Psychopathy is a psychological condition in which the individual shows a profound lack of empathy for the feelings of others, a willingness to engage in immoral and antisocial behavior for short-term gains, and extreme egocentricity.

Just because they don’t feel empathy doesn’t mean they don’t understand it. And many get quite good at faking it. All the better to manipulate you to get what they want.

Neuroscience research shows the emotional centers of their brains don’t respond the way yours do.

From Snakes in Suits: When Psychopaths Go to Work:

In several functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) brain imaging studies, Hare and his associates found that emotional words and unpleasant pictures did not produce in psychopaths the increases in the activity of brain (limbic) regions normally associated with the processing of emotional material.

Some people might think: I have done bad things. And I find some things really rewarding. Oh my god! I’m worried that I’m a psychopath!

If you’re worried that you’re a psychopath, you’re not a psychopath — because psychopaths don’t worry.

From The Psychopath Test:

…suffering from anxiety is the neurological opposite of being a psychopath when it comes to amygdala function.

Violent psychopaths given counseling were 20% more likely to re-offend.

From The Psychopath Test:

…two researchers in the early 1990s had undertaken a detailed study of the long-term recidivism rates of psychopaths who had been through Elliott’s program and been let out into society. Its publication would surely have been an extraordinary moment for Elliott and Gary and the Capsule. In regular circumstances, 60 percent of criminal psychopaths released into the outside world go on to re-offend. What percentage of their psychopaths had? As it turned out: 80 percent.

(To learn the seven-step morning ritual that will make you happy all day, click here.)

Okay, but this sounds extreme. And it is. You probably don’t know any full blown psychopaths, impulsively going after whatever they want with no conscience to reign them in…

But you probably do know a “subclinical” psychopath or two…

Subclinical Psychopaths

So what happens when you dial down the psychopathy a bit, turn off the impulsiveness and add in a little conscientiousness so they can graduate law school or business school?

You get a psychopath who blends in at work just fine. And they chase their rewards, ignore morality and are quite good at covering their tracks.

Robert Hare, the criminal psychologist who developed the test used to evaluate psychopaths explains:

…many psychopaths never go to prison or any other facility. They appear to function reasonably well— as lawyers, doctors, psychiatrists, academics, mercenaries, police officers, cult leaders, military personnel, businesspeople, writers, artists, entertainers, and so forth— without breaking the law, or at least without being caught and convicted. These individuals are every bit as egocentric, callous, and manipulative as the average criminal psychopath; however, their intelligence, family background, social skills, and circumstances permit them to construct a facade of normalcy and to get what they want with relative impunity.

From Almost a Psychopath:

Studies that examined the prevalence of subclinical psychopathy in student populations in the United States and Sweden showed rates in the range of 5 to 15 percent… 5 to 15 percent of the population means that for every twenty people, up to three of them may fall within the almost psychopath range.

(To learn how to deal with a narcissist, click here.)

How Do Psychopaths Get What They Want?

Hare says that whether subclinical psychopaths are screwing up your love life or your workplace, they usually follow a three step process:

They assess the utility, weaknesses and defenses of those around them,
They manipulate others to bond with them and get what they want,
They abandon their targets and move on… Or, in a corporate environment, often move up.

From Snakes in Suits: When Psychopaths Go to Work:

First, they assess the value of individuals to their needs, and identify their psychological strengths and weaknesses. Second, they manipulate the individuals (now potential victims) by feeding them carefully crafted messages, while constantly using feedback from them to build and maintain control. Not only is this an effective approach to take with most people, it also allows psychopaths to talk their way around and out of any difficulty quickly and effectively if confronted or challenged. Third, they leave the drained and bewildered victims when they are bored or otherwise through with them.

It’s not much different at the office. They get to know everyone and use that fake empathy to make a good first impression and quickly figure out who has the power.

From Snakes in Suits: When Psychopaths Go to Work:

Once they join the company, psychopaths try to meet as many people in the company as they can, spreading positive first impressions and collecting as much information as possible. While meeting and greeting organization members, they study their coworkers’ organizational roles and almost instinctively assess their short-and long-range utility or value. A person’s value is based on where he or she fits into the organizational hierarchy (sometimes referred to as position power), technical abilities (expert power), access to information (knowledge power), and whether he or she controls staff, money, and other assets (resource power).

And then they go to work making sure they look good, their rivals look bad and that all the evidence is well hidden.

From Snakes in Suits: When Psychopaths Go to Work:

Specifically, their game plans involved manipulating communication networks to enhance their own reputation, to disparage others, and to create conflicts and rivalries among organization members, thereby keeping them from sharing information that might uncover the deceit. They also spread disinformation in the interest of protecting their scam and furthering their own careers. Being exceedingly clever and secretive, they were able to cloak their association with the disinformation, leading others to believe that they were innocent of manipulation.

If they’ve invaded your personal life, they use that bonding to start getting what they want from you. In the workplace they quickly distinguish between “pawns” and “patrons.”

Pawns are the co-workers and subordinates they manipulate like chess pieces. Patrons are upper management who they get close to for help climbing the corporate ladder.

Maybe someone does catch on to their schemes. But did the whistleblower spend time making sure upper management likes and trusts them? Because the psychopath did. Guess who senior management trusts?

From Snakes in Suits: When Psychopaths Go to Work:

We believe that a breakdown begins to occur when the psychopath’s web of deceit and manipulation becomes unwieldy and too many people have had glimpses of their dark side. Eventually, someone tries to do something about it. A former pawn might challenge or confront the individual, and perhaps even try to bring the situation to the attention of higher-ups. Unfortunately, by this time the psychopath is well positioned through the influence networks already established with others in the power hierarchy. The tables are turned because the credibility of the complaining employee has already been “managed” and undermined.

(To learn how to be happier and more successful, click here.)

Now is not the time to stop reading. As Yoda said, “If you end your training now – if you choose the quick and easy path as Vader did – you will become an agent of evil.”

So if psychopaths are so good at covering their tracks, how do we spot them?

How To Identify A Psychopath

Studies show psychopaths really do make some people feel queasy. Why? The researchers suspect it might be an evolutionary response to an “intraspecies predator.”

From Snakes in Suits: When Psychopaths Go to Work:

In a recent study, researchers J. Reid Meloy and M. J. Meloy studied the reactions of mental health and criminal justice professionals concerning their “physical reactions” while interviewing psychopathic offenders or patients. The reactions were varied and included sensations and feelings that were gastrointestinal (queasy stomach, feeling of illness), muscular (shaky feeling, weakness), cardiovascular (pounding heart), pulmonary (shortness of breath.) The authors suggested that their findings could be interpreted as suggestive evidence of a primitive, autonomic, and fearful response to a predator. They described the psychopath as an intraspecies predator.

(Sad part is that psychopaths have a “Spidey-sense” too. Research shows they actually can tell which people are vulnerable targets, just by looking at them.)

Beyond that, be skeptical of people who aggressively turn on the charm. If someone is going out of their way to flatter you, ask yourself “Why?”

From Without Conscience:

Referring to psychologist Harry Levinson’s work on healthy and unhealthy narcissism in managers, Hogan noted that unhealthy narcissists have an almost grandiose sense of certainty and a disdain for subordinates. “They are particularly good at ingratiating themselves with their seniors but brutalize their juniors,” he is quoted as saying.

(To learn a Navy SEAL’s secrets to grit and resilience, click here.)

Alright, so you’re pretty sure this new person in your life or that new co-worker at the office is manipulative and playing puppet-master. How do the experts recommend you deal with them?

1) Don’t.

The End.

But if you have to deal with them as an individual, and you can’t get away, don’t play their games. They’re better at this than you are. They’ve done it before.

Harvard psychologist Martha Stout says you might think you’re being a hero but you’re actually charging into an ambush.

From The Sociopath Next Door:

Do not join the game. Intrigue is a sociopath’s tool. Resist the temptation to compete with a seductive sociopath, to outsmart him, psychoanalyze, or even banter with him. In addition to reducing yourself to his level, you would be distracting yourself from what is really important, which is to protect yourself.

Even if you win, guess what? Now you’re using manipulative games. Stanford professor Bob Sutton, author of Good Boss, Bad Boss, tells all of his students:

When you take a job, take a long look at the people you’re going to be working with — because the odds are you’re going to become like them, they are not going to become like you. You can’t change them. If it doesn’t fit who you are, it’s not going to work.

(To learn how to stop being lazy and get more done, click here.)

But what’s the attitude most people get wrong when dealing with a possible psychopath?

2) Accept That Some People Are Just Bad News

You might believe all people have good in them. Or that every person can be fixed. Or that they’d be better if…

That’s not going to fly here. Sorry.

From The Sociopath Next Door:

The first rule involves the bitter pill of accepting that some people literally have no conscience… Do not try to redeem the unredeemable.

From Snakes in Suits: When Psychopaths Go to Work:

As one psychopath put it, “I love do-gooders because they do me such good.”

(To learn the four rituals neuroscience says will make you happy, click here.)

Often a subclinical psychopath is telling so many lies it can be hard to see straight. How do you keep your head clear?

3) Pay Attention To Actions, Not Words

This is another one all the sources agreed on. Don’t listen to the excuses, rationalizations or outright lies. Don’t listen to what they say they will do. Pay attention to what they do do.

Harvard’s Martha Stout recommends using the “Rule of Threes” to tell honest mistakes from manipulative behavior.

From The Sociopath Next Door:

One lie, one broken promise, or a single neglected responsibility may be a misunderstanding instead. Two may involve a serious mistake. But three lies says you’re dealing with a liar, and deceit is the linchpin of conscienceless behavior.

(To learn what psychopaths can teach you about being a happier person, click here.)

Okay, you’re on to them. But they’re a vindictive bunch. How do you protect yourself from retaliation at work?

4) Build Your Reputation And Relationships

The psychopaths at work are always recruiting unsuspecting “patrons” in upper management to unknowingly provide cover for them when rumors about their shady behavior start to circulate.

And they’ll also be leveraging these relationships to spread disinformation and lies about anyone who gets in their way or poses a threat. And that might include you.

So make sure to build your own relationships and keep a reputation as a hard worker. Be above reproach. Don’t be a complainer. That way when you do complain — senior people listen.

From Snakes in Suits: When Psychopaths Go to Work:

To protect yourself, make sure you invest energy in managing your own reputation, build open and honest relationships with peers and your boss, work up to your abilities, and follow applicable policies and procedures.

(To learn the eight steps to getting the perfect mentor for you, click here.)

Alright, you’ve tried everything but you still need to work with them. What’s the best way to do that?

5) Win-Win Agreements

From In Sheep’s Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People:

When you bargain with any aggressive personality, try to propose as many win-win scenarios as you can. Doing this is extremely important and requires creativity and a particular mind set. But in my experience, it’s perhaps the single most effective personal empowerment tool because it puts to constructive use the aggressive personality’s determination to win.

(To learn FBI hostage negotiation techniques that will get you what you want, click here.)

Alright, we’ve covered a lot. Let’s round it up and learn the most important thing you need to remember for the long term so a psychopath doesn’t really screw up your life…

Sum Up

Here’s how to deal with a psychopath:

Don’t. 1) Run. 2) Are you sure you can’t run?
Accept that some people are just bad news: A tiger is not a good house pet. And you will not change that fact.
Pay attention to actions, not words: No excuses. No BS. Use the “Rule of Threes.”
Build your reputation and relationships: You need a good defense and good advice.
Win-win agreements: Make it easier to go through you than to destroy you.

Don’t give up on all people just because you dealt with a really bad one.

…kids and adults with Williams love people, and they are literally pathologically trusting. They have no social fear. Researchers theorize that this is probably because of a problem in their limbic system, the part of the brain that regulates emotion. There appears to be a disregulation in one of the chemicals (oxytocin) that signals when to trust and when to distrust. This means that it is essentially biologically impossible for kids like Isabelle to distrust.

Some people are too good, some too bad. And most of us are somewhere in the middle. Don’t let a bad experience with one person ruin the party.

From The Sociopath Next Door:

Do not allow someone without conscience, or even a string of such people, to convince you that humanity is a failure. Most human beings do possess conscience. Most human beings are able to love.

To have a happy life and a productive career, you may need to give up on particular people.

But that doesn’t mean you have to give up on people.

Join over 275,000 readers. Get a free weekly update via email here.

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Eric Barker is the author of Barking Up the Wrong Tree: The Surprising Science Behind Why Everything You Know About Success Is (Mostly) Wrong. Eric has been featured in the The New York Times, The Wall Street Journal, Wired and TIME. He also runs the Barking Up the Wrong Tree blog. Join his 205,000-plus subscribers and get free weekly updates here. This piece originally appeared on Barking Up the Wrong Tree.

How to get rid of a psychopath

Alice Maiskaya 2016-10-10 2016-10-12 Psychology, psychology of communication, psychology of relationships

When breaking contact is impossible
in a word, with all kinds of emotional vampires - it is usually advised that no reaction is the best reaction for unwanted attention. This is often true, and the method of Breaking All Contact (avoiding all communication) should always be used if possible. This is perhaps the most effective way to rid your life of the hell that regular contact with an emotional vampire plunges you into.

However, there are a number of situations in which the Break All Contact method is not possible, such as sharing custody of a child with a toxic person. Or if a former partner is stalking you, depriving him of the right to meet can infuriate him. In such a situation, refusing to answer him may be seen as an insult by the psychopath. Such people may decide that they can force and compel you to respond to them, and thus satisfy their thirst for control over you. nine0010
Moreover, many of us have tried to end relationships with such a person several times, only to accept him or her back each time. They included pity and charm, and because we did not understand that this was the type of behavior that psychopaths and other unpleasant personalities use, we believed their promises to change the situation in the future or change ourselves. They know all our emotional hooks. It is easy and interesting for them to lure us back by appealing to our emotions. nine0010
But the manipulators do not change. In fact, if you break up with a psychopath, he may go to great lengths to punish you even more for daring to think you can be independent. Even if not taken back, the most dangerous time for the victim is the initial breakup with the psychopath/narcissist. They become furious at being neglected. Losing control or power over a person is not only a narcissistic trauma for them, they can feel completely empty when their partner leaves them - even if they intended to kill this partner. The reason is the loss of control. All manipulators need to constantly feel in control. nine0010
That's what the Gray Stone Method is for.

Drain the source of drama How can we get rid of this parasitic leech without causing a fit of furious revenge?

The Gray Stone Method is, first of all, a way to push a psychopath to lose interest in you. It differs from the Break All Contact Method in that you do not openly try to avoid contact with an emotional vampire.
Instead, you allow contact, but give only boring, monotonous answers and reactions, forcing the parasite to go somewhere else in search of a source of drama. When contact with you is consistently and predictably unsatisfactory, the psychopath's mind is set to expect boredom instead of drama. nine0010
Psychopaths are addicted to drama and can't stand boredom. Over time, he will find someone else to satisfy his need for drama and find that he is drawn to you less and not at all as often. And at some point it will simply crawl away to greener pastures.

The Gray Stone Method is a way to teach a psychopath that you are a bad and unsuitable target, because you tire him and make him bored , and they can not stand boredom. This way you will force the manipulator to leave of his own free will. nine0010
You could say that the Gray Stone Method is a way of breaking up with a psychopath using the old "it's not about you, it's about me" excuse, the only difference is that you show it with your actions instead of saying it with words, and the manipulator himself comes to this conclusion.

There is nothing to envy.
Another reason to use the Gray Stone Method is to avoid falling into the "prey" role from the start. If you find yourself in the company of one or more narcissistic personalities, perhaps you are working with them, or they are members of your family, it is important avoid activating their envy . When using the Gray Stone Method, you step into the background. They may not even remember that they met you.

If you have inadvertently attracted their attention and they have already begun to focus on you, you can still use the Gray Stone Method. Tell them that you are boring. Describe your boring life. Talk about the most mundane household chores in great detail. Some people naturally lack a halo of drama. Find such people and stay close to them when the manipulator is nearby. nine0010
Distract with a broken wing
If you are forced to continue a relationship with a manipulator, the Gray Stone Method can also serve you well. People involved in joint custody of a child with a manipulative ex-spouse may use the method when the ex-spouse tries to hurt them and emotions.

It is perfectly understandable that any threat to the well-being of our children provokes tremendous fear and anxiety. This is where the Gray Stone Method can be applied selectively to divert attention from what is truly important to you. nine0010
In general, show no emotion in response to offensive words or behavior. The manipulator will use different tactics to discover which one will elicit a response. And you should respond to what is of the least importance to you. This will focus the attention of the manipulator on this aspect.

Remember, psychopaths and other manipulators don't have values, so they don't understand what's valuable to us until we find it out for them. Selective Method of Gray Stone shows them the bait. In protecting our children, we can learn from Mother Nature: Parent birds with chicks have been known to mimic a broken wing when a predator roams the area. They pretend to be vulnerable in order to divert the attention of the cat from their real vulnerability - their offspring. nine0010
In this example, the selective Graystone Method upstages all emotions except the ones you want to display to the social predator yourself. Psychopaths get bored very easily. They need constant stimulation to ward off boredom. This is not the boredom that ordinary people experience, it is more like the French word ennui, which refers to an all-consuming melancholy, boredom and lethargy.

Drama is the psychopath's cure for boredom . For drama, they need an audience and actors. Once the drama begins, they feel alive again. They are energized when they pull the strings that evoke our emotional response. Any emotion will do as long as it is a reaction to their actions. nine0010
Psychopaths and other manipulators are dependent on power . They gain power by giving access to our emotions. They feel this keenly and need constant testing to make sure we're still under their control. They need to know that we are still willing to do what they want, make them happy and avoid their wrath. They need to create drama in order to feel the power of manipulating our emotions.

As with any addiction, getting your dose of emotional response excites and revitalizes the psychopath. The more times he receives his "reward" for his dramatic behavior, the more his addiction grows. The opposite is also true: when the “reward” stops coming, he gets nervous. He experiences an overwhelming sense of boredom and longing and responds by creating even more drama. nine0010
If we stick to this line of behavior and do not show emotions, at some point the psychopath decides that his toy is broken. She no longer squirts emotion when he squeezes her! Most likely, he will crawl away from you in search of a new toy.

The Gray Stone Method includes a caveat: psychopaths are dangerous people if you are in a relationship with one of them who has already decided to kill you, it will be very difficult to change his mind. It can already poison your food or covertly damage your car. Take all necessary precautions. In such a case, you can only hope that the Gray Stone Method will only help buy time before you can escape. nine0010
Boring, poor and ugly
Psychopaths are attracted to bright, beautiful things, fast moving things and bright lights. These objects are associated by them with a sense of liveliness and alleviate his ever-present overwhelming longing. Of course, is his favorite food - your emotions , but the list of what he desires is not limited to them. He envies everything beautiful, radiant and sparkling that you have and wants everything that you value highly. You must hide everything that he may notice and become jealous of. nine0010
If you are beautiful, use makeup to draw bags under your eyes.
Unless you are married to the manipulator, any money or assets he covets should "disappear" into a "very bad investment" (consult your lawyer about this).
Your shiny new sports car should retire - get yourself a simple, unfussy everyday car.
If you have a great reputation, expect him to start or have already begun to slander you. So don't let yourself be put in a compromising position or provoked into unstable or unhealthy behavior. nine0010
The reason he wants to take it all away from you is not necessarily because he wants to have it all himself, but because he wants to see the emotion on your face the moment you lose it all.

The manipulator needs a demonstration of strength, expressed in the fact that he is the person who deprived you of all this. By removing all these things from his field of vision in advance and not showing an emotional reaction to these losses, you continue to accustom him to the idea that you are the most boring person in the world, the person he will never want to be like in anything. nine0010
The origin of the Gray Stone Method
In 2009, the author of the original text broke up with her psychopathic partner after 25 years of marriage, but she never understood what was wrong with him. “I was sitting in a sushi bar with mixed feelings when I introduced myself to a tall, attractive young man with an athletic look. To my surprise, I instinctively told him my whole story. He listened to me and then explained to me that I was dealing with a perverted narcissist. And gave me advice: " Be boring ".

He said that his girlfriend would come home every night and start drinking and acting in a horrible and abusive way. They were both professionals, moving in the same professional circles. He knew that she would pursue him if he decided to break up and did not want to take risks, become a victim of slander, which could damage his professional reputation.
And he decided to become so boring that she would just leave him. He refused to go out anywhere in the evenings. He showed no emotional reaction to anything and always reacted with a lack of drama. When she asked if he wanted to go out to a cafe or restaurant for dinner, his answer was: "I don't know. " After a few months without drama, she moved out from him. … nine0010
I chose the word "grey stone" because everywhere you go there are a lot of gray stones and pebbles, but you never notice them. None of them grab your attention. You don't remember any of the single stones you saw today, because they blend into the landscape. This is exactly the type of boredom that you are going to broadcast to the manipulator. A stranger at a sushi bar made a startling observation when he advised "be boring." He got to the heart of psychopaths' motivation to avoid boredom. nine0010
There are many tricks in nature to help you survive among predators. Among others, birds pretend to have a broken wing to protect their offspring, and mice pretend to be dead until the cat loses interest in them. Both of these tactics can be useful and can be applied as needed and appropriate.

At the same time, it is very difficult to calculate every move of a psychopath in order to choose the best course of action each time. Instead of trying to outsmart or outplay him, broadcast the gray stone. nine0010
This simple, unassuming object of nature has all the wisdom needed to go unnoticed - it's boring.

Author: (Skylar, psy-practice)

From a psychoad survivor: How to survive in a relationship with a psychopath

Dedicated to Bloodsuckers

memory of his psychoad in marriage), and you should not pay attention to these personal notes.

***
A starting point for discussion of living with a psychopath is the “Thirteen Rules for Dealing with Sociopaths in Everyday Life,” found on pages 156-162 of Martha Stout's book The Sociopath Next Door by Dr. Martha Stout.

So why does it matter if a person can be diagnosed with "Psychopathy"? The truth is that it makes no difference to the public looking for information about this or that person; the fact of having such a diagnosis also does not particularly help to build a line of conduct with these complex and even dangerous people. In other words, you may find that these rules for dealing with sociopaths are generally useful for dealing with someone who has psychopath traits. The more psychopathic traits a person has, the more useful these rules can be. In fact, the more psychopathic traits a person has, the more dangerous he or she is, and the more likely they are to be diagnosed with Psychopathy. Regardless of the presence or absence of other personal pathology. Individuals with personality disorders—especially those with features of antisocial personality disorder, as well as narcissistic, hysterical, and borderline personality disorders—generally have some psychopathic personality traits. Family members, since they do not know if their relative is diagnosed with Psychopathy, should understand that if a person seems to have many of the traits of a psychopath, and if he or she is prone to abuse and/or violence, then he or she may be dangerous. nine0010
We understand that no studies have been conducted to demonstrate the reliability of these rules. And while we believe that research is the best way to establish the effectiveness of coping strategies, we understand that there is a real need to help people in distress. We present these rules, along with our interpretations and, in some cases, modifications, because these rules represent one of the most definitive and sound guidelines for dealing with psychopathic personalities available today to people who, for whatever reason, are involved in such communication. . nine0010
13 rules in summary

To help with the application of Dr. Stout's 13 rules, we have reduced them to a series of concise phrases so they are easier to digest together:

appearance), no conscience.

2. If you feel bad or you feel wrong, you probably are.

3. People must earn your trust, and not just get it.

4. Don't blindly follow anyone, no matter what. nine0010
5. If you are being buttered, you must be being gently fried to be eaten.

6. You cannot respect someone you are afraid of.

7. In a one-sided game, you will always lose.

8. Get lost and get lost.

9. The story of an unfortunate fate can be an effective means of manipulation.

10. No one can change anyone.

11. Don't become an accomplice.

12. Maintain a positive attitude towards life. nine0010
13. Live well, be honest with yourself.

In this section, Dr. Stout's rules (or quotations from her rules) are in italics, followed by our comments.

1. The first rule takes the bitter pill of acknowledging that some people literally have no conscience and that these people often don't look like Charles Manson or a Ferengi bartender at all. transl.). They are like us.

Most of us who have a conscience find this hard to understand. We have codes of conduct that tell us what is acceptable and what is not. Every day we judge what is right and what is not on the basis of our internal norms and rules, on the basis of certain internal standards. Having these standards makes us feel regret when we are not good enough. Conscience can be seen as a moral compass that gives us guidance on how we should spend our time: taking care of what is truly valuable to us; conscience tells us when we have gone astray, even if getting back on the right path takes time and effort. And this, of course, does not mean that all of us are in agreement about what is right and what is wrong. nine0010
For some people, their only compass is to feel good right now: "So what do I want right now?" Psychopathic individuals spend very little time questioning their motivations They do not evaluate their own thoughts or feelings in the way most of us do Lack of conscience may help explain why people with psychopathic characteristics often do not follow predictable and reliable career paths This also helps explain the general lack of stability in their behavior.0010
Sometimes a person with psychopathic traits may begin to manipulate others in one direction and then suddenly change that direction for no apparent reason . As if the first direction was based on a whim, and the new one arose after the sudden appearance of a new desire. Such inconsistent behavior does not make sense from the point of view of a carefully considered decision about basic values, but it makes sense if we understand that a person lives, guided by the short-term impulses of his desires. nine0010
It is also important to keep in mind that the expression “none of us is perfect” does not mean that we are all the same. If you made some bad decision and let someone down, if someone deceived you, and you allowed this person to deceive your friends or relatives, this does not mean that you and this deceiver are the same. Even if you need to change your behavior before you can feel good about yourself, that doesn't mean you can't judge another person's actions as wrong if they hurt others. nine0010
2. In an argument between your instincts and the social role you play - teacher, doctor, leader, animal lover, humanist, parent - listen to your instincts.

This rule has a history. The findings of previous studies have suggested that the average person can quite reliably distinguish a psychopath from everyone else, since a psychopath "feels in the gut." As it turns out, in fact, by the time you figure out that the person you're involved with has a similar disorder, you're usually you will already be too involved in a relationship to leave them painlessly.

Another problem with this rule is that some of us can trust our instincts - and some of us really can't. Some of us have been so traumatized or so controlled by others that we have actually lost touch with both our feelings and our sense of competence. Some of us are so accustomed to the unhealthy emotions that guide our behavior (resentment, resentment, loneliness, anxiety, guilt) that we really should not trust our instincts, at least until we start dealing with our own problems. nine0010
We encourage you to consider the full range of opinions available to you if you are faced with a potentially life-changing choice. As with making a treatment decision, it is helpful to get a second opinion, preferably three or four. Don't let family conflicts make you deaf to reason, and don't let anyone convince you to accept the unacceptable. If you don't trust your instincts right now, know that time and support can restore your ability to trust your intuition (at least most of the time)! nine0010
3. When considering any new relationship, practice the "Rule of Three" by evaluating the claims and promises the person makes and the responsibility he or she takes. Make the Three Times Rule your personal strategy. A single instance of deceit, a breach of promise, or a single instance of neglect of responsibility may simply be a misunderstanding. If this happens twice, it can be regarded as a serious mistake. But when a person has lied three times, it becomes clear to you that You are dealing with a liar, and deception is the core of his shameless behavior . Minimize your losses and get out of the relationship as quickly as you can. Breaking up a relationship, although difficult, will be much easier to do now than later; By the way, and less expensive.

We agree with the principle that people should win our trust, and that our own trust or distrust should be based on how people behave and not on what they say. While the "Rule of Three" makes sense, we also recognize that there is no special "magic" number to decide when to end a relationship with someone. In some cases, two times may be too much. nine0010
Dr. Leedom recommends another "rule of three" which, for example, Dr. Kosson considers "impractical". When starting a new romance, wait at least 3 months before engaging in sexual intimacy - not 3 dates! Sexual intimacy increases feelings of affection and imposes obligations - this happens especially in women; psychopathic people often count on it. They attack quickly to "devour" someone and force them to say yes before he or she can figure out what they are going to do. While waiting alone is not a guarantee of protection, it can still save you the pain of a relationship with an impatient psychopath. nine0010
4. Refute authorities. Once again - trust your instincts and pursue your own interests, especially with those people who claim that domination, violence, war, or making a deal with their conscience, can be great to solve certain problems. Do this even when, or especially when, everyone around you has completely stopped questioning his/her authority.

We fully agree with Dr. Stout. We also suggest that you be especially suspicious of those0128 who tells you not to question the truth of the reasons for their actions ; the truthfulness of their stories about where they were or what they did. Depending on the circumstances, you may be required to be prudent in expressing your suspicions and careful in your choice of words to avoid harm. This is especially true when you are dealing with someone in a position of authority.

5. Suspicious flattery. Compliments are wonderful, especially when they are sincere. In contrast, flattery is over the top, and appeals to our egos in unrealistic ways. This is the basis of counterfeit charm, and almost always involves the intent to manipulate. Manipulation through flattery is sometimes harmless, and sometimes it can be sinister. Raise your head and try to look beyond your ego, which is being massaged hard by someone, and do not forget to suspect that you are grossly flattered. nine0178

Psychopathic personalities often persecute those who have failed, are under stress, or are forced to be obedient . In difficult periods of life, people especially need support and encouragement. Many of us understand that it is good to show others that we are going through a difficult period, that we need support - and to receive this support. It's often an adaptive strategy to open up to people who are trustworthy. However, it is important to remember that some people tell you that they are trustworthy when in fact they are not. Psychopathic personalities will tell you what you want to hear in order to gain your trust. nine0010
We all go through periods in which we have a great need to hear what our loved ones say well about us - especially at a time when we need it. It is important for everyone to develop relationships with trustworthy friends and family members who can be responsive to our needs and give honest feedback. It also helps to hear the other person's correct assessment of our strengths and weaknesses. Such support groups can be especially important if we are in a place where we have difficulty distinguishing between controlled flattery and honest evaluation. nine0010
6. If necessary, review your idea of respect. Too often we mistake fear for respect, and the more we fear someone, the more we view him or her as deserving of our respect ... Let's use our big human brain to fight our animal tendency to worship predators...

This rule raises two related, but still different questions. First, according to Dr. Stout, rethinking the concept of respect is, first of all, to begin to distinguish between a sense of respect and a sense of fear. How much we respect people should depend on their benevolent and constructive actions. If someone behaves in ways that are immoral or unethical, that are contrary to our concept of justice, as well as our notions of right and wrong, we cannot and should not respect such actions. We must respect ourselves. One, who repeatedly hurt us, abused or manipulated us, shows disrespect for us . To maintain our self-respect, we must act in a way that safeguards and defends our identity and our values in constructive ways.

Will we defend ourselves by defending our own point of view, resisting bad behavior; or asking for help from other people who may be better equipped to help us and protect us - may depend on how afraid we are of someone who hurts or threatens us. We are sometimes told that to respect someone is to avoid confrontation with him or her. Along with this, we are taught not to interfere with how people live their lives. We are taught to consider other than confrontation options for asserting our point of view (if it is in conflict with someone else's), and view confrontation as irreverent behavior. However, this approach only works in the context of civilized behavior. It only works when everyone strives to act in a respectful manner. If either of you is disrespectful, then avoiding pressure and confrontation ensures that you will be exploited or abused. Assertiveness - This term often means tactfully confronting those who hurt you, or seeking out people (friends, relatives, professionals, institutions) who can help protect you and your rights. nine0010
7. Do not join the game. Intrigue is a sociopath's tool . Resist the temptation to compete with the seductive sociopath, outsmart him, psychoanalyze him, or even tease him. In addition to dropping to his level, you will lose sight of what really matters, and that is your own protection.

In some cases, people build complex multi-move games for their own enjoyment. Here's a hint for you. You are inside someone else's game if you suddenly find that someone takes great pleasure or amuses himself with things that others take seriously. nine0010
For example, if someone is having difficulty doing serious and responsible work because of private or individual problems, or because takes pleasure in someone else's suffering or tension, or if someone asks, for you to do some thing that has nothing to do with the objective rational purpose of the work, but serves to deceive or manipulate others (not for the purpose of a prank, but seriously sending someone down the wrong path, where he will wander for hours, days or weeks), this may be a sign of the danger of potential manipulation. nine0010
Also, if you find that the game is very difficult and likely to take a huge amount of time, effort, money, etc., it is likely that this game is meant to distract you from something important in your life. Do not join the game! And if you have already turned on - quickly get out of it! Getting out of the game may require you to be willing to admit that you have something to lose, maybe a lot. However, most likely you will lose even more if you continue to play with this person. Beautiful tango is obtained only when two people dance! nine0010
8. The best way to protect yourself from a sociopath is to run away from him/her, to refuse any kind of contact or connection.

This rule is for those adults who are in a voluntary relationship with another adult with psychopathic characteristics. So what do you do when you need to get out of a relationship with a psychopath? It is appropriate to recall the title of Neil Sedaka's song: "Breaking up is hard to do!" ("It's very hard to break up!"). For someone who is young and single, cutting off all contact may not only be acceptable, but often the best thing to do. But, if the person with psychopathic traits present in your life is your spouse, your boss, or a government official with whom you have to deal due to your position, breaking contact may not be the best option, at least for a certain period of time. time. In cases where a break is not possible, build a plan for yourself, following which, you will come as close as possible to the goal of complete liberation. Build a plan to change relationships, work, and, if necessary, place of residence. If someone hurts you and/or those around you, then you will put you all at additional risk if you continue to invite that person into your home, or if you continue to let your ability to work depend on his/her grades; etc. nine0010
9. Question your tendency to feel sorry for people too easily. Respect should be reserved for the kind and morally courageous. Pity is another socially valuable response; and it should target innocent people who are in real pain, or who have failed.

Psychopathic personalities often professionally manipulate the emotions of other people, benefiting from this . A well-crafted story about a difficult life can be an effective ploy—a standard move by many people with psychopathic traits. If you are responding to a request for help that includes someone else depending on your resources, pay attention and set boundaries. Remember, whether you feel pity or compassion, you have a choice about what you do. nine0010
10. Don't try to wait for something that won't happen. The second (third, fourth, and fifth) chances are for people who have a conscience. If you're dealing with a person who has no conscience, you know how hard it is to swallow and survive failure... sociopathic behavior is not your fault, not in the least. This is also not your mission. Your mission is your own life.

The simple truth is that no one has the power to change anyone. You can be a positive support to someone who takes the trouble to change, but it is the person who is determined to change who takes the trouble to change. From the beginning 19In the 1980s, the concept of “codependency” became the subject of psychological research. Subsequently, Timmen Cermak constructed the following five criteria or features for a proposed diagnostic category for codependent personality disorder:
A. Continual self-esteem investment in the ability to control both oneself and others in the face of severe adverse consequences. Codependents suffer from willpower distortion and invest excessive amounts of energy in efforts to improve/help others in search of some semblance of self worth. nine0132 B. Taking responsibility for meeting the needs of others, even to the point of denying one's own.
C. Anxiety and borderline disorders associated with intimacy and separation.
D. Confused relationships with personality disordered, chemically addicted, other codependent and/or impulsive disordered individuals.
E. Three or more of the following: narrowing of emotions, depression, hypervigilance, compulsiveness, anxiety, substance abuse, excessive denial, repeated episodes of physical or sexual abuse, stress-related physical illness, primary relationship with an active substance abuser for, at least two years. nine0010
The fact is that an attempt to save a person with this or that disorder can cause a violation of the personality of the one who saves!

11. Never agree, out of pity or any other reason, to help a sociopath hide his true colors.

“Please don't say anything…no, no…I don't need help” - these words are often said with tears in the eyes and gnashing of teeth; and this is the signature template of thieves, child abusers - and psychopaths. Don't listen to this sweet siren song. You should warn other people about this "song" because sociopaths do not deserve you to keep their secrets. nine0010
If someone without a conscience insists that you "owe" him/her, remember what you read here: "You owe me" has probably been the standard psychopath line for thousands of years. We tend to take this "You owe me" as a valid claim, but it's just not true. Don't listen. Also, ignore the following argument, which will not take long to be expressed: "Do you think you are better than me? You are the same." No, you are not the same. nine0010
12. Protect your mind. Don't let someone without a conscience, or even a number of such people, convince you that humanity is flawed. Most people do have a conscience. Most people are capable of love.

Many people who have been victims of a person with psychopathic traits say that will never be able to trust anyone again . Many ex-victims say they cannot go on living because they are forced to live in fear of a repeat of the violence 0129 . If the relationship leaves a trail of loss of trust and a sense of security, then the resulting distress can increase the duration of a person's suffering for many years after the end of the traumatic relationship in which the person was the victim.

If your psyche has been damaged by a traumatic relationship with a psychopathic person, you must heal and recover so that you can continue to live. You must make your recovery the priority of your life: something that deserves your time and attention. The people who care about you will probably be happy to help you through this process - if they understand what you've been through. If you have trust issues or live in constant fear, and if your attempts to fix it yourself fail, we strongly recommend that you seek professional help. nine0010
13. Living well is the best way to get revenge.

Psychopathic personalities train those around them to be hyper-vigilant to their needs . If you have successfully passed such training, then you concentrate all your life energy around a person with psychopathic features. Now is the time to take back your life. It's time to turn your attention to your own health and well-being. Start with a good diet and exercise plan. If necessary, seek medical help to solve health problems, if you have them. Plan to return to the activities and hobbies you love. In short, take back your normal life. nine0010
We also believe that plotting revenge is a sign that you have not completely separated from the person who hurt you. Living well is a great option for revenge, but an even better option is to allow yourself to live for your own benefit. Do your best to make your time on Earth as meaningful and productive for yourself and your loved ones as you can.

Source: http://newpsyhelp.
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