How to move on from a broken relationship

32 Tips for Moving Forward

Share on Pinterest

We include products we think are useful for our readers. If you buy through links on this page, we may earn a small commission. Here’s our process.

Heartbreak is a universal experience that comes with intense emotional anguish and distress.

While many people associate a broken heart with the end of a romantic relationship, therapist Jenna Palumbo, LCPC, emphasizes that “grief is complicated.” The death of a loved one, job loss, changing careers, losing a close friend — all of these can leave you brokenhearted and feeling like your world will never be the same.

There’s no way around it: healing a broken heart takes time. But there are things you can do to support yourself through the healing process and protect your emotional wellbeing.

It’s essential to look after your own needs after heartbreak, even if you don’t always feel like it.

Give yourself permission to grieve

Grief is not the same for everyone, says Palumbo, and the best thing you can do for yourself is to give yourself permission to feel all of your sadness, anger, loneliness, or guilt.

“Sometimes by doing that, you unconsciously give those around you permission to feel their own grief, too, and you won’t feel like you’re alone in it anymore.” You just might find that a friend’s gone through similar pain and has some pointers for you.

Take care of yourself

When you’re in the midst of heartbreak, it’s easy to forget to take care of your personal needs. But grieving isn’t just an emotional experience, it also depletes you physically. Indeed, research has shown that physical and emotional pain travel along the same pathways in the brain.

Deep breathing, meditation, and exercise can be great ways to preserve your energy. But don’t beat yourself up over it, either. Simply making an effort to eat and stay hydrated can go a long way. Take it slow, one day at a time.

Lead the way in letting people know what you need

Everyone copes with loss in their own way, says Kristen Carpenter, PhD, a psychologist in the Department of Psychiatry and Behavioral Medicine at The Ohio State University Wexner Medical Center.

She advises being clear about whether you prefer to grieve privately, with the support of close friends or with a wide circle of people accessible through social networks.

Getting your needs out there will save you from trying to think of something in the moment, says Carpenter, and will allow someone who wants to be supportive to help you and make your life easier by checking something off your list.

Write down what you need (aka the ‘notecard method’)

How it works:

Sit down and make a list of what you need, including needs for tangible and emotional support. This could involve mowing the grass, grocery shopping, or simply talking on the phone.
Get a stack of notecards and write down one item on each card.
When people ask how they can help, hand them a note card or have them choose something they feel they can do. This relieves the pressure to articulate your needs on the spot when someone asks.

Go outdoors

Research has found that spending just 2 hours a week outdoors can improve your mental and physical health. If you can get out to some beautiful scenery, great. But even regular walks around the neighborhood can help.

Read self-help books and listen to podcasts

Knowing that others have gone through similar experiences and come out on the other side can may help you feel less alone.

Reading a book (we’ve got some recommendations later in this article) or listening to a podcast about your particular loss can also provide you with validation and be a supportive way for you to process your emotions.

Try a feel-good activity

Set aside time every day for doing something that feels positive, whether that’s journaling, meeting up with a close friend, or watching a show that makes you laugh.

Scheduling in moments that bring you joy is vital for healing a broken heart.

Seek professional help

It’s important to talk about your feelings with others and not numb yourself out. This is easier said than done, and it’s totally normal to need some extra help.

If you find that your grief is too much to bear on your own, a mental health professional can help you work through painful emotions. Even just two or three sessions can help you develop some new coping tools.

Share on Pinterest

After giving yourself some space to grieve and tending to your needs, start looking toward creating new routines and habits that can help you continue to process your loss.

Don’t try to suppress the pain

“Don’t waste energy on feeling ashamed or guilty about your feelings,” says Carpenter. Instead, “invest that energy in making concrete efforts to feel better and to heal.”

Consider giving yourself 10 to 15 minutes each day to acknowledge and feel your sadness. By giving it some dedicated attention, you may find it popping up less and less throughout your day.

Practice self-compassion

Self-compassion involves treating yourself with love and respect while not judging yourself.

Think of how you would treat a close friend or family member going through a hard time. What would you say to them? What would you offer them? How would you show them you care? Take your answers and apply them to yourself.

Create space in your schedule

When you are going through a difficult time, it can be easy to distract yourself with activities. While this can be helpful, make sure you’re still leaving yourself some space to process your feelings and have some down time.

Foster new traditions

If you’ve ended a relationship or lost a loved one, you may feel like you’ve lost a lifetime of traditions and rituals. Holidays can be particularly hard.

Allow friends and family to help you create new traditions and memories. Don’t hesitate to reach out for some extra support during major holidays.

Write it down

Once you’ve had some time to sit with your feelings, journaling can help you better organize them and give you a chance to unload any emotions that might be hard to share with others.

Here’s a guide to get you started.

Find a support system

Regularly attending or engaging in in-person or online support groups can provide a safe environment to help you cope. It’s also healing to share your feelings and challenges with those in similar situations.

Connect with yourself

Going through a big loss or change can leave you feeling a little unsure of yourself and who you are. You can do this by connecting to your body through exercise, spending time in nature, or connecting with your spiritual and philosophical beliefs.

Share on Pinterest

As you navigate the process of healing a broken heart, it’s helpful to have realistic expectations about the process. From pop songs to rom-coms, society can give a warped view of what heartbreak actually entails.

Here are a few things to keep in the back of your mind.

Your experience is valid

The death of a loved one is the more overt form of grief, Palumbo explains, but covert grief can look like the loss of a friendship or relationship. Or maybe you’re starting a new phase of your life by changing careers or becoming an empty nester.

Whatever it is, it’s important to validate your grief. This simply means recognizing the impact it’s had on your life.

It’s not a competition

It’s natural to compare your situation to that of others, but heartbreak and grieving aren’t a competition.

Just because it’s the loss of a friendship and not the death of a friend doesn’t mean the process isn’t the same, says Palumbo. “You’re relearning how to live in a world without an important relationship you once had.”

There’s no expiration date

Grief is not the same for everyone and it has no timetable. Avoid statements like “I should be moving on by now,” and give yourself all of the time you need to heal.

You can’t avoid it

As hard as it might feel, you have to move through it. The more you put off dealing with painful emotions, the longer it will take for you to start feeling better.

Expect the unexpected

As your grief evolves, so will the intensity and frequency of heartbreak. At times it will feel like soft waves that come and go. But some days, it might feel like an uncontrollable jolt of emotion. Try not to judge how your emotions manifest.

You’ll have periods of happiness

Remember that it’s okay to fully experience moments of joy as you grieve. Spend part of each day focusing on the present moment, and allow yourself to embrace the good things in life.

If you’re dealing with the loss of a loved one, this might bring up some feelings of guilt. But experiencing joy and happiness is crucial to moving forward. And forcing yourself to stay in a negative state of mind won’t change the situation.

It’s okay to not be okay

A profound loss, like the death of a loved one, is going to look vastly different from a job rejection, notes therapist Victoria Fisher, LMSW. “In both cases, it’s imperative to allow yourself to feel what you’re feeling and remember that it’s okay not to be okay. ”

Even if you’re doing everything you can to work through your heartbreak, you’ll probably still have off days. Take them as they come and try again tomorrow.

Seek self-acceptance

Don’t expect your suffering to go away sooner than when it’s ready. Try to accept your new reality and understand that your grief will take some time to heal.

Share on Pinterest

When you’re dealing with heartbreak, books can be both a distraction and a healing tool. They don’t have to be big self-help books, either. Personal accounts of how others have lived through grief can be just as powerful.

Here are some titles to get you started.

Tiny Beautiful Things: Advice on Love and Life from Dear Sugar

Cheryl Strayed, author of the bestselling book “Wild,” compiled questions and answers from her formerly anonymous advice column. Each in-depth response offers insightful and compassionate advice for anyone who’s experienced a wide range of losses including infidelity, a loveless marriage, or death in the family.

Purchase online.

Small Victories: Spotting Improbable Moments of Grace

Acclaimed author Anne Lamott delivers profound, honest, and unexpected stories that teach us how to turn toward love even in the most hopeless situations. Just be aware that there are some religious undertones in her work.

Purchase online.

Love You Like the Sky: Surviving the Suicide of a Beloved

Psychologist and survivor of suicide Dr. Sarah Neustadter provides a roadmap navigating the complicated emotions of grief and turning despair into beauty.

Purchase online.

The Wisdom of a Broken Heart: How to Turn the Pain of a Breakup Into Healing, Insight, and New Love

Through her gentle, encouraging wisdom, Susan Piver offers recommendations for recovering from the trauma of a broken heart. Think of it as a prescription for dealing with the anguish and disappointment of a breakup.

Purchase online.

On Being Human: A Memoir of Waking Up, Living Real, and Listening Hard

Despite being nearly deaf and experiencing the debilitating loss of her father as a child, author Jennifer Pastiloff learned how to rebuild her life by listening fiercely and caring for others.

Purchase online.

The Year of Magical Thinking

For anyone who’s experienced the sudden death of a spouse, Joan Didion offers a raw and honest portrayal of a marriage and life that explores illness, trauma, and death.

Purchase online.

No Mud, No Lotus

With compassion and simplicity, Buddhist monk and Vietnam refugee Thich Nhat Hanh provides practices for embracing pain and finding true joy.

Purchase online.

How to Heal a Broken Heart in 30 Days: A Day-by-Day Guide to Saying Good-bye and Getting On With Your Life

Howard Bronson and Mike Riley lead you through recovering from the end of a romantic relationship with insights and exercises meant to help you heal and build resilience.

Purchase online.

The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are

Through her heartfelt, honest storytelling, Brené Brown, PhD, explores how we can strengthen our connection to the world and cultivate feelings of self-acceptance and love.

Purchase online.

The hard truth of going through loss is that it can change your life forever. There will be moments when you feel overcome with heartache. But there will be others when you see a glimmer of light.

For some grief, as Fisher notes, “it’s a matter of surviving for a while until you gradually build a new, different life with an open space for the grief when it arises.”

Cindy Lamothe is a freelance journalist based in Guatemala. She writes often about the intersections between health, wellness, and the science of human behavior. She’s written for The Atlantic, New York Magazine, Teen Vogue, Quartz, The Washington Post, and many more. Find her at cindylamothe.com.

How to Get Over Heartbreak, According to Psychologists

Relationships

This too shall pass.

By Jenny McCoy

September 23, 2022

mjrodafotografia / Getty Images

On a scale of 1 to torturous, getting your heart broken is a solid “absolutely awful. ” Most of us have been there at some point, left wondering how to get over heartbreak. While there’s no surefire way to avoid a broken heart (unless you’re an unfeeling robot, of course), there is a way through it—even if, at the moment, you truly believe you’ll never be happy again.

Understanding how your mind works—and how to work it better—can be helpful after breaking up. “It’s important to understand that we humans come hardwired with the ability to experience pleasure from our intimate connections and pain form heartbreak,” says Nan Wise, PhD, a sex therapist, neuroscientist, relationship expert, and the author of Why Good Sex Matters: Understanding the Neuroscience of Pleasure for a Smarter, Happier, and More Purpose-Filled Life. “The oldest part of our brain, which we share with all mammals and many other animals, has a circuit of brain regions—the panic/grief/sadness system—that gets activated when we experience the loss of an important relationship.”

According to Dr. Wise, this means your body can very much feel the physical and emotional aftereffects of a breakup because our brains instinctually view relationships, and the resources they provide, as essential for survival. “When activated, this panic/grief/sadness system creates painful withdrawal-like symptoms: an ache in the heart, overwhelming sadness and despair, ruminations, regrets, and diminished enthusiasm for life,” explains Dr. Wise. “It is important to remember that heartbreak and subsequent grief are not pathological, but a normal part of being an emotional creature. It is just the dark side to our life-affirming ability to form loving, intimate connections.”

Here, Dr. Wise and other experts share advice for how to get over heartbreak.

1. Allow yourself to feel your feelings.

When somebody breaks up with you, you’re going to feel a flood of emotions, says Rebecca Hendrix, LMFT, a psychotherapist in New York City. “It’s a trauma. It’s a shock to your system.” And as with any type of emotional shock, “you want to be really gentle with yourself and you want to allow yourself to feel your feelings,” she says. After all, your feelings are there for a reason—they can help you move through difficult experiences, but only if you release them.

In the days following the breakup, allow yourself to cry and acknowledge that a breakup is like any other type of loss. With loss come five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. “You’re going to go through those in your own way, in your own time,” says Hendrix. And during the process, validate your feelings by saying things like “Why wouldn’t I feel like way?” and “Of course I’m experiencing this emotion.”

2. But don’t

become your feelings.

Though it’s important to express your feelings, it’s also important to stop short of becoming them, says Hendrix. So if you feel sad, let yourself wallow for a certain amount of time—say, an hour. Cry, scream, yell, journal, do whatever you need to do to let your emotions flow freely, she says. But when those 60 minutes are up, stop and move on to something else.

3. Cut off communication with your ex.

There’s a scientific reason heartbreak hurts so much: You actually go through withdrawal-like symptoms after a breakup because the feel-good hormones you got from your partner are suddenly gone, says Elle Huerta, founder of Mend, an app and online community designed to help people post-breakup. “When your partner is no longer there, you start to crave those feel-good hormones,” she explains. “If you give in to this feeling and see your ex again, you’ll struggle to move forward and find yourself stuck months and maybe even years later.” (That’s why Mend promotes a 60-day “ex detox.”)

Cutting off all contact in the beginning is healthy, agrees Hendrix. It allows you to break your attachment to your former partner. That said, there’s no hard-and-fast rule about contacting your ex, she says. Brief, occasional communication—like, “Hey, could we talk for a few minutes? I’m having a hard time with this”—could be okay. Just be cautious that those “innocent check-ins” don’t become a habit. “Every time you talk to them, you open up another energy tie between you, and your goal is to break those energetic ties, not to keep creating them,” says Hendrix.

4. Find a support system.

Call two or three people you really care about and let them know what you’re going through, says Hendrix: “A lot of people love you, and they want to support you, but often they don’t know how because you’re not telling them.”

Opening up to others may bring catharsis in return. “Most everyone has been on the receiving end of a breakup at one time or another, and commiserating with them, sharing experiences, getting counsel, being reminded you’re not alone, can be highly beneficial,” says Franklin A. Porter, PhD, a clinical psychologist in New York City.

5. Exercise.

Breaking a sweat may be the last thing you want to do when you’re wallowing, but trust: It can help just as much as watching those breakup movies, if not more. “The endorphins produced during exercise will help with the withdrawal symptoms post-breakup, and it also helps you build confidence in yourself,” says Huerta.

6. Try yoga or meditation.

If running on the treadmill isn’t your idea of how to get over someone, at least consider gentle movement activities like yoga or meditation. “Grief is experienced in the body,” says Dr. Wise. She suggests yoga to help your body release those emotions. “Grief is stressful and can temporarily dysregulate the autonomic nervous system, hence changes in your sleep, appetite, and concentration.” According to Dr. Wise, breath work—a big part of yoga and meditation practices—can help calm the activation of that system.

“Going through grief can be an opportunity to learn new wellness habits like the regular practice of yoga, mindfulness, exercise, and even honing the ability to create more resilience and resourcefulness,” she explains. “If you have challenges finding such a practice, consider using a HeartMath biofeedback device, which can help you reset your nervous system and decrease the adverse effects of stress.”

7. Remember what sucked.

A common response if you regret breaking up is to idealize the other person, says Hendrix. And while you don’t want to deny that there were good parts of your relationship, you also don’t want to fixate on them. To find the middle ground, write a list of all the negative aspects of your former partner or relationship and look at it on the reg. “This mental exercise helps counterbalance all the obsessive thinking you will probably be experiencing around what you miss about your ex and why they were so great—even if they weren’t,” says Huerta.

8. Take care of yourself.

All experts agree that taking care of yourself in the midst of heartbreak is key. Check in with yourself throughout the day, says Hendrix, and ask, What do I need? Maybe it’s a healthy salad, maybe it’s a hot bath, maybe it’s a phone call with a friend.

9. Don’t judge the length of your healing process.

“Don’t equate the time of healing with the time of your relationship,” says Hendrix. Even “almost” relationships can cause enormous heartbreak, says Huerta.

“A lot of times people are like, ‘Well, I was only with them for six months. Why am I devastated?’” says Hendrix. “Because you fell for them in six months and you’ve gotten super attached and you started spending every day and night together for a while. Your six months is like somebody else’s two years. So whatever you feel, honor that.” In truth, how long it takes to get over an ex depends on a variety of factors, including the narrative you tell yourself.

10. Don’t internalize the breakup.

In the aftermath of a difficult split, Dr. Porter says, avoid thinking, I’m not good enough—there’s something wrong with me. Instead, situate the problem in the relationship (if not in your partner), he says.

11. Identify and eliminate unhealthy behaviors.

Try to understand any impulses you may be having, like texting your ex, checking their Instagram every hour, or replaying every damn detail of your last weekend together. These urges are part of the natural withdrawal process that happens after heartbreak, but don’t let yourself overindulge in obsessive behaviors (like analyzing every aspect of your relationship until 4 a.m.), says Hendrix. If you find yourself spending significant time in this frame of mind, it might be wise to reach out to a coach or therapist for support.

12. Create new routines.

Realize that the breakup is likely going to cause voids in your life. Say you and your ex always went to the movies every Friday, says Hendrix. Now your Friday nights are wide open, but instead of wallowing alone, proactively call your friends and make plans.

13. Explore old—and new—interests.

Say you really enjoy the outdoors, but your ex didn’t, so while you were together, you cut back on your weekend hiking habit. Now that you’re single, give yourself permission to reconnect with that interest and also explore new hobbies. “The universe meets us at the point of action, and if we’re trying to heal, we have to take steps to heal,” says Hendrix.

Take intentional steps to move forward with your life, like joining a new gym, signing up for pottery class, or booking a trip with friends.

14. Accept that closure is something you may need to find on your own.

Sometimes you’re not going to get the closure you need from your ex, and you’ll have to find it on your own. If your former partner couldn’t explain the reason for the breakup, create your own healthy narrative. And if that isn’t enough to provide closure, consider talking with a therapist about how to heal a broken heart, says Hendrix.

15. If you decide to date, do so cautiously.

After getting your heart trampled, it can be tempting to instantly download a dating app and search for a rebound. But Hendrix warns against dating too soon after heartbreak. “You don’t want to push yourself before it’s time just to avoid feeling your feelings because, most likely, they’re going to come back to bite you,” she says. At the same time, reentering the dating scene could provide a healthy confidence boost for your bruised ego. Just be honest with yourself—and the people you’re dating—about where you’re at emotionally, she says. If you’re not fully over your ex and simply looking for a fun fling, say so.

16. Trust that the pain won’t last forever.

“However much pain you’re experiencing, try to believe that ‘this, too, shall pass,’ and have faith that on any given day, you could meet your special someone who’s truly right for you,” says Dr. Porter. When you’re in the thick of heartbreak, it can be hard to imagine that you could ever feel otherwise. But “time does tend to heal most, if not all wounds,” says Dr. Porter.

17. Down the road, reflect on the positive things.

In the long run, the breakup shouldn’t taint the whole relationship, says Dr. Porter. “As the pain subsides, consider the good you got out of it, embrace the excitement of new possibilities, and remind yourself how awesome you are.”

Topicsrelationshipslovebreakupsbreakup advice

wellness

Doctors Are Now Becoming Influencers—And Lines Are Becoming Blurred

As social media increasingly becomes our main source for information, medical practitioners have built followings off of content centered around their expertise. But with outside motivators like money and fame too hard to ignore, the ethics and morality of “doctor influencers” are easy to call into question.

By Michelle Konstantinovsky

How to survive a breakup - advice from a psychologist

Two types of relationships
Causes of neurotic love
Five consequences of parting
How to help yourself
How to survive a breakup
Psychologist's advice

Healthy and neurotic relationships

Breaking up a relationship is always stressful and difficult to deal with. Moreover, a gap can occur both in healthy relationships and in neurotic ones. Breaking up a healthy relationship is easier. In such cases, the couple is usually in dialogue, this decision does not become a bolt from the blue. Most often, the decision to leave is made together, the partners are prepared for changes in life, everyone is confident in their abilities, expects the best from the future and is adapted to a new life. Of course, even if the decision was balanced, it takes time to emotionally, physically and from the everyday point of view to separate from the partner, to adjust to a new rhythm. And yet, in this case, all this is experienced as something that can be overcome and lived on.

Advertising on RBC www.adv.rbc.ru

The rupture of neurotic relationships is more difficult. In this case, within the union there was no practice of confidential communication, an open dialogue, where partners frankly express their will and desires. Often partners do not even really know each other, do not seek to understand the motives and feelings of a partner. If the breakup and separation come as a surprise, it is highly likely that it was a neurotic relationship.

In this situation, the one who did not decide to leave is going through a difficult and traumatic experience. This can exacerbate chronic psychological trauma, which will “finish off” a person already exhausted by a break. Fortunately, this experience can become a turning point in understanding yourself and your needs, pathological attitudes and broken schemes in the field of love (and not only) relationships.

Causes of neurotic relationships

Neurotic love, like toxic relationships, originates in childhood and reflects relationships with parents. For example, if a child suffered from the coldness of his parents, it is likely that in adulthood he will look for the same partner. His ideas about love and relationships are associated with detachment, so the colder the better.

Another example: it is not uncommon for depressed parents (or one of them) to instill guilt in the child. This happens automatically and sometimes without the parents realizing that the child is constantly suffering from the fact that he cannot make mom or dad happy. Such a child will look for a partner who is difficult to please.

Neurotic relationships differ from healthy ones in that, firstly, the partner “loves” through suffering, because, unfortunately, he has no experience of relationships in which everyone is satisfied and happy. He loves those who do not value him, repels and brings pain. Such relationships are based on the fact that a person revisits the cinema of the past over and over again: despite the fact that his partner is cold, nevertheless they are together, which means that it is similar to what happened to him in childhood - in his understanding, this and there is love that he associates with any kind of suffering, just not to be abandoned.

Therefore, when such a person is abandoned by a partner in adult life, the picture of his childhood, in which he was not noticed, did not share warmth with him and did not pay due attention, comes to life. The biggest fear of his childhood came true - he was abandoned after all. The suffering that arises in response is chronic trauma. They are so painful that they do not allow you to look at this situation differently and benefit from it, for example, recognize the previous relationship as destructive, draw conclusions and still find that person who will honestly love in return.

Defense reactions of the psyche

If the separation caused the revival of old sores, the psychological defense mechanisms will be the first thing to stabilize the mental state.

Negative
“No, this will pass and we will be together again!” A person who uses denial will selflessly look for signs that he is right. For example, a woman can persuade herself that even though her partner left her, he did not leave for another, which means that he does not love anyone and will soon return back.
Displacement
An abandoned partner can tell himself: “Nothing terrible happened, it will hurt and be forgotten. ” However, this pain can drag on for several years and become chronic. Those who manage to repress unpleasant experiences may not pay attention to internal discomfort and unhappiness, as they have become accustomed to this as their usual state.
Regression
This psychological defense mechanism can induce a person to tantrums - a primitive form of removing responsibility for what is happening. Or, on the contrary, regressing, a person can literally freeze: emotions, as well as will, appetite, desire to live, disappear. A depressive period may begin.
Sublimation
Well known to those who tend to overlook unpleasant experiences. By sublimating, a person can completely go into work or any other activity that helps to forget and not think about the traumatic event.
Acute reactions, aggression towards others and self-aggression
If the tension in the psyche is great, it will look for a way out, for example, in the form of sharp reactions: aggressive attacks, a tough style of communication (for example, at work or driving), angry posts on social networks, frequent sexual contacts that carry a feeling of disappointment, leaving in alcohol and drugs.

All these mechanisms work unconsciously, that is, they manifest themselves not by the will and desire of a person, but automatically. The mind may say that drinking is bad, but the suffering can be so unbearable that any method that allows you to slightly raise the pain threshold becomes suitable.

There is another defense that is at the level of consciousness, which can be controlled and used at the right time. This is the so-called psychological compensation , which is expressed in adaptive behavior. For example, in order not to meet with the former, they block him in the phone book, social networks, and avoid meeting. There is also a reverse situation: in order to better navigate what is happening and get the most complete picture, a recent partner is placed in the field of view. Behind this, there may be a desire to clarify everything to the smallest detail and once again make sure that "this is actually happening."

Whatever type of protection works, you need to remember that this is a natural reaction to severe stress and any psychological protection performs an important function - to protect the psyche from destruction. It is important that after the defense stage, the mourning phase begins, when the fact that everything is over and you can mourn your pain is recognized - this is a natural process when working through the loss of a relationship with a loved one.

How to help yourself

Breaking up a relationship is a big mental burden. We don’t just say “heart breaks” or “soul hurts” - the body is actually going through a serious psycho-physiological stress. The cardiovascular system, digestion, hormones, sleep and ability to rest, the natural rhythm of day and night, all come under attack.

During difficult changes in life, it is very important to remember that you are in an unusual state for yourself, and, if possible, help yourself: eat fully, get enough sleep, do exercises to relieve stress, eat those foods that give strength and do not burden the body .

How to tell a healthy relationship from a toxic one: 5 red flags

It's fair to say that not all stages of stress can be done at all. Sometimes lying flat and staring at the wall is the best thing you can do to help yourself. Take care of yourself whenever possible - take time off from work and order take-out instead of cooking. Try to prepare for yourself the space and time where you can fully surrender to your experiences.

In order for the process of loss to proceed smoothly and end, it is very important to honestly go through all its stages. After the first wave of shock subsides, the stage of aggression begins, interspersed with rationalization - the desire to talk to the partner again and again and thus improve the state of affairs (the so-called bargaining stage). These steps can take varying amounts of time and, unfortunately, it is not possible to predict their duration.

One of the last stages is depression - not so acute, but a stable condition. It is easy to recognize it by a breakdown, dulled feelings and reactions, inability to enjoy, sleep and appetite disorders. Despite the difficult course, this is a very important period that prepares us for the final resolution of the situation - the stage of acceptance and the end of mourning.

Unfortunately, there are no recipes for how to shorten the most painful stage, but to ease the condition, allow yourself to do whatever you want. If you want to leave - try to do it, if you want to lock yourself in the apartment - try to take sick leave. Do not neglect the help of others, but set the limits of what is permitted: tell your family and friends how they can be useful to you and how closely you are ready to communicate now. Ask not to discuss certain topics with you, not to arrange surprises for you to “stir up” and so on. Openly tell them what you need: from domestic to emotional needs. Your sincerity will help set up communication with friends and relatives, who, unfortunately, do not always know how to behave correctly in such situations.

How to survive a breakup with a loved one

Disrupted communication is one of the main reasons that partners move away from each other and cease to adequately assess the state of affairs. To prevent this, pay attention to whether there is a reticence between you and your partner, silence of any feelings or facts, or maybe someone in your couple expects his thoughts to be read, and thus avoids responsibility ? Silence, ignorance, as well as references to social standards and generalizations ("You're a man!" or "A wife should...") destroy trust and intimacy. Features of your unique relationship can be replaced by "life principles" and public opinion about how everything "should be", which prevents you from following a special scenario that is suitable for your couple.

How and why to repair broken relationships

Proper communication depends not only on the degree of closeness and honesty to each other (and to oneself), but also the style of conflict resolution. Family therapy is based on this idea: starting it, partners learn safe ways to express their desires, suffering, fears, learn to enter into conflict and resolve it. The therapist, as a referee, observes the dialogue, leads both partners to ensure that they get the result and satisfaction from the interaction.

If you feel that you have no strength left to explain what is happening between you, take a few sessions of couples therapy . It will quickly become clear whether you need to continue working on the relationship or whether to stop it. It is important to remember that the therapist does not choose sides and will not support the game of one of the partners to the detriment of the other. The therapist acts as an interpreter between two people who, for some reason, began to speak different languages.

How to avoid a destructive scenario in the future — advice from a psychologist needed.

Neurotic or toxic relationships are different in that they are used to reduce the degree of personal neuroses and work off personal problems. If both partners coincided in neuroses, the union can be stable and strong. For example, someone for whom it is important to exercise control in relation to the closest person meets someone who gladly accepts this control due to their own childhood traumas.

Another case is when one of the partners does not need to work out the pathological scenario and still meets a less stable person and serves as a constant source of relaxation and recharging for him. Then a person who becomes a testing ground for working off a neurosis will most likely want to give up relationships that drain him.

Other roles we play in relationships can be learned from transactional analysis . The main idea of this method is that each of us in different life situations takes the position of a child, parent or adult. Knowing your patterns of behavior, you can adjust the attitudes and inadequate expectations from the relationship. This is important, since a full-fledged and multifaceted strong union is possible when two "adults" meet who know their needs, boundaries and their weaknesses. Knowing these weaknesses allows you not to provoke situations where they can manifest themselves to the detriment of the couple.

All this may seem rather complicated, but in reality, in order to have a healthy and strong relationship, it is not at all necessary to store a store of knowledge in theoretical psychology. To choose a suitable partner, it is important first of all to solve your personal problems, get to know yourself, find out your preferences, understand what attracts in people and what repels you. Mark for yourself with whom you manage to build strong contact, and who you don’t want to see even as friends. Do not forget what is valuable in a relationship, what kind of alliance you would like to build with another person and how you see your happiness in a couple.

What to do after a breakup:

• Three sessions against depression. How to train the brain to be happy and healthy.

• How to tell a healthy relationship from a toxic one: five red flags.

• How to mend relationships if they have been broken.

Tags: relationship

How to tell a healthy relationship from a toxic one: 5 red flags

Health

19 July 2019

Love is one of the most important things in life, but it's not taught in school. The gap in education seeks to fill the One Love Foundation. Its experts suggest starting with the main thing - learning to distinguish true love from a sick and destructive feeling.

“Love itself is an emotion, an instinct. But the ability to love is a skill that can and should be mastered,” says One Love Foundation CEO Kathy Hood in her Ted talk. In 2010, the foundation was founded by the parents of a girl who was beaten to death by her ex-boyfriend. “This and many other similar tragedies could have been prevented if we paid attention to the warning signs that often appear at the very beginning of a relationship,” Hood is sure. Of course, relationship toxicity isn't always fatal, but it usually involves abuse—psychological or even physical. We tell you what Hood and her colleagues recommend paying attention to in order to protect yourself.

We love fairy tales about love - we were taught to love them from childhood (remember Cinderella, whom the prince proposed to on the second date). As adults, our craving for drama and passion is fueled by rom-coms, cheap melodramas, and pulp novels. These genres involve love at first sight, the development of relationships at first cosmic speed, extreme displays of affection and other really not very healthy romantic impulses.

Advertising on RBC www.adv.rbc.ru

Haste and exaltation of actions should alert. If a partner in the very first days swears eternal love, wants to know “everything in the world” about you, constantly calls, writes, demands immediate answers - these are sure signs that you could fall into the trap of a nascent toxic relationship.

Dissolving into each other at the very beginning of falling in love, spending every free moment together and forgetting about the rest of the world is quite natural. But normally, such a period is fleeting and does not harm other areas of your partner's life - gradually you begin to spend days separately, each seeing your friends, finding time for relatives, doing your favorite hobbies and implementing interesting projects at work. But if for several months your life literally revolves around one person, you should sound the alarm.

“Healthy love means freedom and independence,” says Hood. If your partner tries to isolate you from other people, criticizes your friends, asks you to leave work early and wants to spend every evening together, most likely he has inclinations of a person prone to violence (moral or physical). In isolation from an intimate circle, we feel more vulnerable and led, and in the end we can become absolutely dependent on the one person who remained nearby.

Jealousy is a natural feeling that many people have. But sometimes it can take pathological forms and have devastating consequences. “Usually, signs of such extreme jealousy become noticeable at the very beginning of the relationship,” says Hood. She can hide behind care and sincere interest: a new lover wants to know where and with whom you spend time, constantly reminds you of yourself with calls and messages, carefully studies your profiles on social networks, quickly remembers the names of your friends and colleagues, meets you from work and strikes unexpected visits home (with armfuls of flowers, sweets and other nice gifts).

Over time, this awareness becomes threatening: the pathological jealous sees traces of infidelity everywhere. A quarrel can be provoked by a comment or even a like under a friend’s photo on Instagram, not to mention lunch with a colleague.

In a healthy relationship, partners support each other — they rejoice in new beginnings and victories, they go through career problems and crises together, they comfort in moments of weakness. The abuser partner, on the contrary, dampens the lover's confidence in his abilities - he doubts his abilities, criticizes, jokes evilly and puts him in a bad light in front of mutual acquaintances.

We can all inadvertently injure a loved one, question some idea or criticize an action. But normally, we do not use rude expressions and quickly realize that we got excited. Or we listen to a partner when he notices our hostility and asks not to offend him. The abuser, on the other hand, does not recognize the problem, accuses the lover of being overly sensitive, and uses phrases like “You are winding yourself up” and “It seemed to you.

Learn more