How to make someone not hate you
How to Make People Like You (Even if They Hate You) « Mind Hacks :: WonderHowTo
- By Nicholas Miller
Someone does't really like you. I don't know who or where they are, but they exist. If you want to change that, simply ask them to do you a favor.
This trick is known as the "Benjamin Franklin Effect." The idea is that when someone who views you unfavorably performs a favor for you, they will look upon their contradictory behavior and attempt to justify their action with the belief that they like you (at least a little).
"He that has once done you a kindness will be more ready to do you another than he whom you yourself have obliged." - Benjamin Franklin
It's All About Cognitive Dissonance
"But they already dislike me, how can I possibly ask them for a favor?"
Unless they completely loathe you, they'll probably do the favor. Maybe they think they'll get something in return? Maybe they want to make a scene and complain the whole way through? Whatever the motive, it doesn't matter. What makes this trick work is the end result—cognitive dissonance.
Cognitive dissonance is the mental stress we feel when we hold two contradictory beliefs, ideas, or values. It's an uncomfortable state that we subconsciously try to resolve, even if that means making up new beliefs.
For example, Aesop's Fable "The Fox and the Grapes" perfectly depicts the concept of cognitive dissonance. When the fox is unable to reach the grapes, it convinces itself that the grapes aren't even worth reaching and that they're probably not ripe anyway.
Enter Self-Perception Theory
Do your beliefs determine your actions, or do your actions determine your beliefs? The question has been answered in what psychologists call the "self-perception theory."
Self-perception theory claims that people develop their attitudes by observing their behaviors and deciding which attitudes must have caused them. Therefore, when you're trying to decide whether or not you like someone, you will probably consider whether or not you've done something for them, because after all, we wouldn't do something for someone we hate.
The Proof Is in the Science...
Still not convinced? Consider this ingenious study done by two psychologists at the University of Chicago in 1993.
Participants in the study were shown written Chinese characters. None of the participants knew Chinese, but they were asked to determine whether or not the characters had a "negative" or "positive" meaning. However, at the same time they were asked to either push down on the table or pull up on it.
Sounds random, right?
The majority of the characters described as "positive" were rated so by people pulling on the table, while the majority or "negative" characters were rated so by people pushing on the table. Why? Because throughout our entire lives we've pulled positive things towards us and pushed negative things away. In the same way, we've always done things for people we like, and don't do things for people we dislike.
"We are what we pretend to be, so we must be careful about what we pretend to be." – Kurt Vonnegut
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12 Ways Successful People Deal With People They Dislike
No one likes dealing with a difficult person.
Life would be so much easier if we could just avoid all the people we dislike.
But, as they say, life happens. You might have to work on a project with a vexing colleague. Or your biggest frenemy keeps showing up to professional mixers and social functions. Worst of all, you might find out your most irksome family members are coming for dinner.
Watch on Forbes:
Successful people are often able to handle problematic personalities they have to interact with. It’s a delicate art, and one you can learn as well.
The first step is to take a deep breath and realize that this is part of life. Sometimes we have to grin and bear it. But there are a few things we can do to make the best of a challenging situation. If you take these 12 tips to heart, you’ll be able to successfully deal with a person you disdain.
1. Let It Go
Often we so dread interacting with someone we dislike that our anxiety levels start mounting before we even step into the room with that person.
When your nerves are jangling, it can be all too easy to overreact and jump down someone’s throat or say something you might regret.
Emotions are like a genie: once you let them out of the bottle, it’s hard to get them back under control. So if you know you’ll be dealing with someone who stresses you out, take a deep breath and channel your inner Zen. Quiet your mind. Adopt a “let it go” attitude. If you feel your ire start to rise, focus on listening more and talking less. Remember, you don’t have to eat words you never say.
2. Focus On Healthy Ways To Communicate
If you find yourself dealing with someone who gives you chronic hives, it’s time to find a way to calmly but assertively express how you feel. Most problems stem from the way we communicate with each other. Instead of reacting (which often means overreacting), try explaining how you feel in a nonconfrontational tone. One of the best ways of doing this is by making “I” statements.
An “I” statement uses the formula: “When you ___, I feel ___.
” You might say something like: “When you focus on your phone instead of looking at me when I’m talking, I feel like you’re not valuing what I have to say.” Then wait to hear how the other person responds. Be specific about which behaviors make you upset and what you would like them to do to correct the problem. Once you’ve made your point, be sure to listen to their side.
3. Practice Civility
Extending common courtesies to everyone is a good rule of thumb, no matter who you are dealing with. Treating everyone with politeness and respect, even when you disagree, will create a baseline of civility. That means treating others as you want to be treated. Even small gestures of kindness can help ease tensions and forge goodwill.
Put on your best manners and focus on handling situations with grace and poise. If you do so, those around you will respect you and see you as having integrity. Avoid personal attacks and consistently act with a level of decorum and you’ll have the upper hand when dealing with those who want to tear you down.
4. Sidestep When Possible
The reality is that dealing with a difficult person can be similar to picking your way through a minefield. For example, you may know that certain topics are hot-button issues with a person. If that’s the case, it may be best to sidestep certain conversations.
Yes, you should be able to voice your concerns, and picking your battles doesn’t mean avoiding confrontation altogether. But you should also think carefully about what you decide to tackle and when—many of our problems are situational and may dissipate with time. Consider what issues are worth your time and what you’re feeling emotionally up for dealing with. If someone wants to discuss something you know is going to make you (or them) see red, calmly tell them you want to table that discussion for the time being.
5. Fake It Till You Make It
Staying composed isn’t always easy, especially when dealing with someone who grates on your nerves. Instead of trying to beat them at their own game, it may be time to bluff your way out.
Think of this as an opportunity to perfect your ultimate poker face. If this were a game of high-stakes cards, you would do everything in your power to conceal your hand. You would be deadpan, showing only what you want to show. This in essence is how you distance yourself from someone emotionally, and it’s a great way to give yourself emotional space during difficult situations.
6. Be Mindful Of Your Emotions
While you may be practicing presenting an expressionless face to the world, don’t attempt to ignore your emotions altogether. Though emotional distance means keeping someone at arm’s length, you also have to stay mindful of how you are feeling. You can’t stop someone from pushing your buttons if you don’t know when it’s happening.
So take note of your inner emotional rollercoaster. What is this person saying or doing to tick you off? By recognizing what is going on with you internally, you can take steps to keep them from doing it again, such as knowing when to disengage.
Find a way to give yourself space to regroup and move on.
7. Put A Positive Spin On It
If you have to deal on an ongoing basis with someone you dislike, it may be helpful to try to put a positive spin on how you perceive them, or at least have fewer negative assumptions about them.
So instead of focusing on a pessimistic thought (“My co-worker just looked at me and rolled her eyes — she must be thinking something negative about me!”), try to see it from a more neutral standpoint (“My co-worker rolled her eyes, but she might not have intended that toward me. She might just be thinking of something else, like how much work she has…”). Reframing it this way will allow you to feel less provoked and help you let little things go.
8. Find Common Ground
Instead of avoiding a person who drives you crazy, you may want to try spending a little more time with them. This probably goes against every fiber of your being, especially if the person makes your list of Top Most Annoying People.
But if you spend a little more time getting to know them, such as working on a project with them, you’ll get to understand them better.
As they say: walk a mile in another person’s shoes and you will see things from their perspective. Taking the time to understand a person you dislike can help you have more empathy and compassion for them. You may see that there are reasons they are the way they are. Being able to build a rapport with them will help you bridge those frustrating communication gaps. You may even find that you have more in common than you imagined.
9. Recognize The Value In Differing Opinions
Understanding other people’s perspectives is an important leadership skill. After all, managers and leaders are called on to oversee people from a variety of backgrounds.
From the standpoint of getting the best performance out of your employees, it doesn’t really matter if you like them or not; nor does it matter if they like you. In fact, it can be helpful to seek out the perspective of people with vastly different points of view.
They may be able to offer unique insights that challenge and provoke new thinking.
10. Take A Good Look In The Mirror
If you’re having ongoing issues with someone and are having a hard time understanding why, you may want to look inward. Ask yourself what it is about this person that sets you off. Are you letting your sensitivities blow a situation out of proportion? Sometimes we let jealousy or envy get in the way.
Could resentment be playing a role in how you deal with this person? It can also be easy to misinterpret someone’s actions or read ulterior motives into them. Is there something in your own experiences that may be unfairly influencing how you see someone? It’s important to be aware of your own biases or preconceived notions. Recognizing that you share some of the blame may be the first step toward correcting a problem.
11. Find Your Circle Of Trust
Don’t attempt to tackle everything by yourself — that will only leave you feeling isolated and more frustrated.
Try tapping into a support system. Turning to a trusted circle of friends will give you the space you need to feel heard, allowing you to vent and air your grievances.
A mentor or a trusted colleague may be able to offer advice on how to deal with a particularly touchy situation at work. Just knowing that someone understands what you are going through can be helpful. And your friends may be able to give you a new perspective on how to handle a challenging person.
12. Focus On Yourself
The bottom line is that you only have control over yourself and your own actions. Instead of fixating on how much you dislike someone or how angry they make you feel, focus on your strategy for handling them. Think about what you can do to limit their ability to get under your skin.
Don’t allow yourself to fall victim to a disagreeable person. They aren’t worth it. Remember, no one can drag you down and steal your joy unless you let them.
How to make yourself hate? | GQ Russia
A big girl in blue baggy jeans and a gray T-shirt walked by, obviously an American, I thought.
She smiled when she saw me under my portrait. Her lips were bright and sensual. On the shoulder is a bag.
– Eduard Veniaminovich, – Dimka pointed to the photo next to mine with a nod of his head. - That's her.
Indeed, it was a girl with sensual lips. But she was not American. Under the photo, she was identified as Vero4ka Polozkova: the “h” in her name was replaced by the number “4”, as in blogs. We moved away from the portraits and went deeper into the hall. "Who is Verochka Polozkova?" I asked the guards. They did not know.
There were a lot of old women, a lot of TV cameras. The operator of Channel One nodded to me and smiled sadly. He could not enter into a professional relationship with me, no one will give a broken penny for an interview with me, or even fired. To my left was the NTV television group. They looked at me like I was just another marble column in the Marble Hall.
A thin young man in a velvet jacket came up and introduced himself as the director of the exhibition.
“Your photograph hung right here,” he pointed to the center of the wall right next to the entrance. - But the management ordered to outweigh it. Have you already seen yourself?
“Yes,” I said, “I saw it. Cowardice was born before these people. It would seem that there is such a thing here: we convince people to go for fluorography in order to diagnose the disease earlier. There is no policy in the fight against tuberculosis.
Rossiya TV channel interviewed Strizhenov. The operator walked over to the reflective umbrella and positioned it so that I was in front of the umbrella. We departed. I laughed. I told the director of the exhibition that I was preparing to write a book "How to become the most hated person in Russia."
– And how? the director asked. - Do you have a prescription?
- Yes. You should always tell the truth. Instant and eternal hatred is guaranteed to you.
They had performances. And international guests, and their own. Photographer Sergey Golovach came up to me and shook my hand.
- I tried to get them to speak. Failed...
– Don't worry, Sergey. I can't stand solemn speeches.
After the speeches, the buffet began. My guys brought me a glass of red wine at my request. At that moment, the big Verochka Polozkova appeared right on the course. She blushed, and the strap of her black bra showed from under her T-shirt over her shoulder. I approached her.
– Tell me, neighbor. Why I was driven into the farthest corner, I know. Why were you sent there?
Verochka smiled enigmatically, dark bangs fell on her hot face.
“Those who are close in spirit should stick together,” she said.
“I support you,” I said, and taking a business card out of my jacket pocket, handed it to her. - Let's stick together.
After that Verochka took her leave for some reason. I think she was embarrassed to eat in the presence of me and my guards, because she had a plate of sweets in her hand. Women love soft sweets. But they prefer to devour them alone.
I stood with the guards and made fun of passers-by. Great job! You can always find both funny and ridiculous in people. Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed that two women, having greeted Verochka, were walking in our direction.
– Who is Vera, did you greet her?
- Young talented poet. Laureate of the "LiveJournal" award, - the ladies willingly announced. - We love her very much.
Then an employee of Nezavisimaya Gazeta told me how Marya Vasilievna Rozanova, alone in a house near Paris, found a thief on the top floor, drove him out and chased him, fighting off the stolen things. Here is an old woman, God's dandelion, the widow of the writer Sinyavsky...
The exhibition director appeared again:
– Excuse me.
– Excuse me, for what. The other day I held in my hands a textbook on Russian literature of the second half of the twentieth century. So I didn’t even find my last name in the index. I am not here! Ha ha ha!
My guards enjoyed laughing with us, with the director and with me.
Indeed, it's funny. It's just wildly funny. Very funny.
First published in the June 2009 issue of GQof the year.
Photo: Giphy
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10 Easy Ways to Defeat Haters — T&P
In life, a person often encounters aggression, inexplicable attacks, criticism and hatred from strangers, close friends and even relatives. If you react to all this, you can ruin your life, says James Altucher, a well-known American trader, investor, entrepreneur and writer, author of many books on self-development and personal growth. T&P translated an article from his blog about how to deal with those who can't stand you.
Making strangers hate yourself is easy: just have your own opinion, be creative and be yourself. Anyone can become your hater: a relative, friend, colleague, teacher, boss, or just a stranger on the street or on the Internet. Former friends can suddenly become enemies.
You need to know what to do in such situations. Most haters are invisible, anonymous, they try to get into your head because they have such a peculiar method of communication.
Example: Someone recently reviewed my audiobook.
“It's just awful... an author should never read his own books aloud again. He has a lazy, lowing manner of speech, so it is very difficult to believe what he says. There seems to be no interest in his voice, as if it is a burden for him to convey these valuable sprouts of knowledge to us, poor, unfortunate listeners.
I don't hunt for compliments. Some people like my audiobook, some don't. Once at school, in the 7th grade, we read aloud one book, and when it was my turn, one girl said: “Oh no! Just not his voice ... "Maybe she left a review? Whatever we do in life, some will hate us, others will laugh or gossip, others will attack from the back, someone will take money or try to destroy our reputation, someone will threaten, tease or intimidate.
So listen, there are rules to help you defeat haters, anonymous, virtual and real, among colleagues, relatives and those you love.
It's difficult. I don’t always succeed, but I gradually improve. And when I manage to follow these rules, the results in life improve. I hope you succeed too.
The hater is the problem
It's a bit hackneyed, but it's true. Behind every anger is fear.
He who hates is also afraid of something. It doesn't mean you have to say, "Poor thing, he's just scared." But it is worth noting this fact for yourself.
For example, in the example above, the woman who wrote the review said "poor unfortunate listeners." Perhaps she is afraid of being poor and unhappy, which is why she hears these words from everywhere. This is her life problem.
People often say, "Don't worry, they're just jealous." Maybe. Or maybe not. We cannot read their minds. It's none of my business why someone has this or that opinion about me.
But there is something going on in these people's lives that causes fear. And this fear is expressed in aggression towards you. They project their own fear onto you. For a short time, you turn into a monster that sat inside them. Anger is just fear unleashed.
You are also the problem
I don't even think about many of my haters. But some manage to push the right buttons. Some randomly creep into my soul. Or not by accident. Like, for example, a relative who knows exactly which buttons to press. If someone finds the right button, I get angry and get defensive. But it's not because people said something terrible about me. But because under the thick armor of anger lies my fear that they might be right. I can't even admit it to myself. After all, they were the first to raise the "knife", so I can blame them for everything. But in reality, it turns out that I myself continue to stick this “knife” into myself.
Let's take the same example again. I pulled it out of hundreds of other examples, not because it is somehow particularly unpleasant.
I just realized that then I could tell a story about how a girl in the 7th grade made fun of my voice. Maybe in fact I'm just really worried that I have some kind of strange voice. It is important to note this for yourself.
When you are constantly marking things for yourself, you are at least isolating those things from an endless stream of thoughts. You memorize them and store them separately in your head. Therefore, in the future it will be easier to recognize and deal with them. Or maybe it will even help you learn more about yourself.
24 hour rule
If someone attacks you, you may experience negative emotions. If the attacks take place in public, then other people may also experience unpleasant emotions. They might think, "Jane said that about James, so he must be an idiot." Attacks can also be part of office politics or personal relationships.
The 24 hour rule works in almost every case. If you do not respond to the first attack, it will disappear after 24 hours.
But if you answered at least once, reset the timer. It will take another 24 hours for the aggression to subside in the web of human communication. Therefore, some conflicts last for years. Participants react to each other's attacks, and all this continues until one of the opponents dies. And as Onion magazine claims, the death rate in the world is stable at 100%.
The 30/30/30 Rule
I have had several posts in which I used the same illustration found on the Internet: a woman doing yoga on the beach. I have been criticized for always using photos of sexy women. I was also criticized for using these photos without crediting the author.
Then the woman from the photographs wrote to me. I told her that I received such comments. She told me her beautiful story, which was included in my latest book. But she also said this: for everything you create, a third will love you, a third will hate you, and a third will remain indifferent. This means that you need to do what you love and put maximum effort into it.
You must improve every day. And when you get critical reviews, just put them in a basket with one-third of the negative.
Delete
I am always happy when people disagree with me. I have nothing against.
But often people are unable to express their disagreement, and it manifests itself in an unpleasant and spiteful form.
If I can, I remove these people. You can write "delete" in quotation marks. Sometimes it's not a critic from a blog, but someone from real life. I delete such people too. I don't talk to those who harm me.
What if it's a boss or someone you have to talk to? Then I am indifferent to them. I let them do what they want. I nod in greeting in the corridors. I don't fawn or fawn over trying to make them love me. If over time these people behave well, I will again begin to communicate with them.
What if someone yells at you on the phone? Just say, "I need to go." I fell for this bait, especially when I was younger, and wanted to shout back.
“Why are you doing this to me?!” These situations were very painful. But they taught me to behave differently in the future.
Hate is contagious
Someone once tweeted "James Altucher = #humangarbage". I don't know why this tweet came up. I don't know who this person is. But for a moment I got angry. I didn't follow the previous advice.
I found this person on the Internet. He works for AOL. I tried to figure out how to fire him. He made 1 tweet and launched 1000 thoughts in my head.
The worst thing you can do to your body is to stick a knife in it. Anger is an emotional stab at the emotional body. Some religions say that one should show compassion to one's enemies. I don't know. It's really difficult.
The best I can do is admit that I don't know this person and that any additional thought is just another way to stab myself with a knife. If I do this, the infection spreads inside me, consumes me. I don't like to hurt myself with a knife.
You'll never know
I could contact this guy and say, "I just need to know why you think I'm worthless."
But imagine what you would say in this case on your deathbed. Not once in the history of mankind has anyone said at death: "I'm really glad that I figured out why a stranger thinks I'm a jerk." There is absolutely no need to know this. And even if you eventually find out... it turns out that it wasn't worth it.
Resistance is useless
Let's say someone has a reason to hate you, but it's easy to disprove. For example, someone hates you because you are from Rhode Island, but you are actually from Canada. You can say, "But I'm from Canada." And in response you will receive: "So much the worse."
Nobody ever changes their mind. It's hard to change your mind. Quitting smoking is very difficult, almost impossible for many. Hate is even more addictive, just imagine how difficult it is to change your mind in this case. Facts mean nothing.
Self-defense only makes things worse (see the 24 hour rule).
Even the history of friendship means nothing. You can say: We've been friends for 20 years. Are you really going to let this come between us?" The answer will be yes. Because people can't help themselves. Because some kind of fear sits in them. Because there is some kind of fear in you. And they will never get together.
They look stupid when they make love
That's all you need to know about your haters. If you remember this rule every time you encounter anger and aggression, you can forget about all the other rules.
Time heals
Hatred cannot last forever. Often it turns into a slow boil. The sun, which was so bright during the day, turns into a purple haze at sunset and turns deep orange. It doesn't mean that you and your haters are now friends. It simply means that the open wound will finally heal, leave a small scar and a memory, but nothing more. It doesn't matter if you're hated by a traitor, ex-husband, ex-lover, or blog commenter.
It is important to learn how to reduce time.
Some experience hatred, anger, bitterness and regret for years. Sometimes a lifetime is not enough to heal wounds. This is a waste of life. Of course, she also has the right to exist. After all, no one is forcing you to live a life filled with meaning, you can safely waste it. And since more people will hate you every time you stick your head out of the sand (and I hope you do), you will have many opportunities to ruin your life. Enjoy them.
Sometimes (but not always), people's hatred means you are out of your comfort zone. You create and grow. But I hope that your wounds are healing faster and faster. In fact, I wrote this post for myself. I hope that my wounds are also healing faster every day.
In response to hatred, I try to use these techniques and learn more about myself. If I can’t learn anything new, I try not to hurt myself. If this succeeds, I try to be grateful and move on to the next stage, where I will find love, creativity and satisfaction.
