How to let go of anger from being cheated on
How to cope with being cheated on
Being cheated on sucks. It’s as simple as that – but the feelings that come with it are hardly ever simple. You feel betrayed, angry, embarrassed and completely heartbroken. It can make you question everything about yourself, your relationship and your life. But we’re here to tell you that it’s going to be okay – not immediately, but definitely soon. If you’ve found yourself in this situation, our handy tips will help you cope.
Remember: you are not to blame
No matter what’s gone down, it’s never your fault that someone cheated on you. People do hurtful things for a whole bunch of reasons – and maybe your partner can explain theirs – but those reasons have nothing to do with you. It can be really hard to remember this, but it’s super-important. So, we’ll say it again: you are not to blame.
Accept that things are going to suck for a while
You’ve had a rubbish thing happen to you – it’s going to take time to heal. Breathe, and accept that things are going to suck for a while. This doesn’t mean you have to like it, or that you agree with it. It just means that you’re not going to waste time fighting something you can’t change. Instead, focus on mending your heart.
Put yourself first
The most important person in this situation is YOU, so take care of yourself. Eat your favourite foods, watch your favourite movies or indulge in your favourite activities. Try to keep yourself from getting hurt any more than you already are. Your heart is probably a bit bruised and it doesn’t need to cop any more bad treatment.
Try to keep your cool
It’s tempting to lose your chops a bit and start firing off angry texts, but take a second to chill before you do anything. It’s definitely not worth getting yourself in trouble by messing with anyone. Leave the dramatic public displays of rage for the movies; instead, let off steam at the gym, on a jog or dancing to a killer playlist.
Don’t make decisions out of fear
There’s no right choice when it comes to staying with or leaving someone who’s cheated on you – you’ve got to do what feels right for your heart. But don’t let fear make the decision for you. It’s not a good idea to stay with someone because you’re scared to be single, or to leave someone you love because you’re afraid they’ll hurt you again. Take as much time out as you need to make the choice that feels right for you.
Surround yourself with your squad
You need your best gang around you when you’re trying to deal with a broken heart. Focus on people who’ve always had your back, who’ll listen to the full story and support you in whatever you decide to do next.
Take a mini-break from socials
It can be tempting to put your FBI skills to the test and trawl through social media. But, just don’t do it. Not only that, give social media a break for a little while. You don’t have to prove you’re still living your #bestlife, and all that FOMO isn’t what you need right now.
Ask for (professional) help if you need it
Professional psychologists recommend talking to a doctor as an important part of moving on from cheating. Whether you do it together with your partner or solo, getting an expert opinion from someone outside the situation can be a game-changer for healing.
Don’t jump to conclusions
Maybe you glimpsed a text message on your partner’s phone, or heard from a friend that they were up to something at the club. If you’re getting your information secondhand, it’s probably not the whole truth – no matter how much you trust the source. Gossip has never made any situation better. If you’re concerned about something, ask your partner directly before you jump to any conclusions. Having all the right intel will set you up to handle the situation like a boss.
Revenge, Rage, or Restraint? What To Do With Anger After Infidelity — Relationship Counseling Center of Austin
By Jim Duncan, MA
Recovering from an affair can be excruciating.
It doesn’t matter if you were the one betrayed or the one who did the betraying. Healing can prove to be a difficult journey. And along the path to healing, you will likely feel a great deal of anger after infidelity.
Sometimes, your anger might feel like a need for revenge and other times it could even feel like a rush of humiliated rage. While these feelings are natural, dealing with them in a healthy way might not come easily.
Here are a few tips on what to do with your post-affair anger.
Uncovering Your Anger
If you’re like most people, you probably agree that anger doesn’t often seem to need uncovering. Rather, it sticks out like a sore thumb.
You feel mad, right? Yet, there is more to anger than simply being ticked off.
Anger is often an expression of hurt. In terms of an affair, anger is usually the emotion standing center stage like a powerful singer, but it is not the painful emotion driving the song.
Emotions like fear, hurt, guilt, or inadequacy remain hidden behind the stage curtain, but they are the ones actually writing the harsh notes escaping your angry lips.
In other words, anger is simply the emotion that upstages your other emotions most of the time. But those other emotions deserve more attention and anger needs more management.
So, how can you deal with the red-faced musician hogging the stage? How do you find relief?
Understanding Why Anger Isn’t the Problem
To be clear, anger is a normal reaction to an affair, both sides of an affair. An affair is traumatic. So, it’s only to be expected that intense feelings bubble up.
Feeling anger is okay. It’s all okay and it’s all natural.
Still, left unchecked by your internal management system, anger can forge a destructive path. It can be harmful to your mental and physical well-being, it can also be harmful to those around you, as you may say or do things in anger that ultimately destroy the relationship.
In short, what you do with your anger remains the issue. Not the anger itself.
Accepting Your Anger After Infidelity
Changing the past isn’t doable.
This means that erasing an affair or its fallout isn’t possible either.
But, changing the future is within your control. And, believe it or not, anger has a lot to do with that.
When it comes to anger after infidelity, it’s important to let it come to you as it will. Respect your feelings and adopt a self-validating approach to these uncomfortable emotions.
You feel them for a reason, so allow yourself to feel them completely.
As well as feeling and validating your anger, make a commitment to expressing it. The hard part is knowing how to express your anger in a harmless way for you and others.
How to Express Your Anger
Expressing your anger might feel like you’re doing something wrong. It might even feel a little forbidden. Yet, when expressed appropriately, it can be very healthy.
What does it mean to express your anger appropriately?
For starters, avoid reacting towards another person in the heat of an angry moment. In fact, intense anger often requires a release far away from other people.
If you’re dealing with a whirlwind of toxic pent-up emotions, write it out. You don’t need spell check or even worry that anyone will be read it. Just write what you feel. Feel free to burn it later after you’ve released what you needed to.
Many times, anger is so overwhelming that you have to physically release it. Things like screaming into a pillow, hitting an old couch cushion, or a brisk walk for few minutes all help to release that steam.
If you’re having a hard time dealing with anger after infidelity, do not hesitate to reach out for help from a counseling professional. A counselor who works with couples and individuals in the aftermath of infidelity can help you navigate this tough time, and support you on your path to healing and helpful expression of your emotions.
Jim Duncan, MA, LPC Associate, is a licensed professional counselor at the Relationship Counseling Center of Austin. He works with couples and individuals to help them heal after relationship infidelity.
Contact Jim at 512-270-4883, ext. 117, or request an appointment with him on the RCC Austin Scheduling page.
How to Survive Cheating, Forgive the Cheat, and Move On
375,146
Cheating Man and Woman Relationship Crisis
“Many of my clients come to their appointments with this problem,” says family therapist Andrew J. Marshall. “Having survived the betrayal of a loved one, they decide to save the relationship, but even if everything looks good in a couple, many still periodically return to what happened in their thoughts and cannot completely forgive their partner.”
In such cases, he advises to write down and analyze your thoughts and emotions, as this will help to manage them. And in working with such clients, he uses an approach based on five simple techniques.
Accept your feelings
Please don't reproach yourself for not being able to magically leave it all in the past and move on as if nothing had happened.
Perhaps your husband's infidelity has been the biggest shock in your life so far and it poses a serious threat to your well-being, so I'm not surprised that the pain keeps coming back and the same thoughts are spinning in your head. And you still can't understand how this monstrous betrayal could even happen.
Action #1
Name your feelings out loud instead of letting them bubbling up and down inside, it really helps. Tell yourself, "I feel angry, I'm worried, I'm confused" or something else. You don't have to do anything about these feelings - just acknowledge them.
Sometimes I ask my clients to start keeping a diary of feelings, where they record the time, the feeling and the reason that caused it at the moment
Keep it for several days or weeks, and you will find certain patterns. Believe me: if you notice your feelings, observe them, and do not suppress them, they will gradually weaken and become more manageable over time.
Work on your thoughts
Many feelings arise as a result of our thoughts. We tend to believe everything that our inner voice broadcasts as the ultimate truth. However, he often exaggerates or combines events from different life situations to provide us with irrefutable evidence that life is over. (I call this "catastrophic thinking.")
Practice #2
Don't let bad thoughts poison your life, write them down. Write as if your inner voice is dictating to you. And when you write everything, word by word, you will see that there is nothing particularly frightening there. Go back to the beginning of the text and look for exaggerations. For example, you wrote: "I'm so tired of thinking about cheating every day." I would be hooked by the phrase "every day." I think the word "often" reflects reality more accurately.
I know it's a very minor change, but the new word doesn't seem so helpless anymore, does it?
And then you might want to add a few clarifications.
And write: “I often think about cheating and sometimes feel exhausted after it, although it also happens that after that I feel better.” I guess that the latter option is not only softer, but also more accurate. Reread the text again and pay attention to “always”, “never”, “should”, “should” and other words from the category of black and white vocabulary.
Think about what these memories want to tell you
You remember your husband's infidelity for a reason. Not because you are a bad person and are not able to forgive the betrayal of a partner or do not want to save the marriage. Most likely, your feelings are trying to tell you that some issues remain unresolved and that your relationship needs to be given more attention.
For example, your sex life has become too insipid, or your husband is constantly in conflict with your daughter, and you are forced to be torn between them, as if between two fires. If you continue to ignore these warning signals, your unconscious mind will send them over and over again.
Session #3
Go back to the diary entries that your inner voice dictated to you. Once you've filtered out the exaggerations, you're left with a few fairly straightforward tasks.
For example, to balance work and home life; go out somewhere together, because you have not done this even once in the last couple of months. Since you have already guessed what the memories are telling you, it would be quite logical to take practical steps to solve these problems. For example, turn off the phone after 9pm or book a table at your favorite restaurant.
Stop expecting the impossible from your partner and move on
If a person works as a secretary in the reception, you are unlikely to expect that he will balance correctly or conduct excellent business negotiations. But I sometimes meet pioneers who expect from their partner some special spiritual subtlety, the ability to be aware of their own and other people's feelings, which in no way corresponds to his upbringing and character traits.
In particular, to the question “Why did you need this novel?” in many cases, the answers will be incomprehensible, simply because up to this point no one has asked a person about motivation. You may be counting on your partner to listen and sympathize even when you get angry, criticize, or shame him, when what he needs most right now is to work with a therapist who can get through the shell to the person who is looking for support.
Reception No. 4
We tend to see our partners as we like to see them, rather than as they really are. And yet, for some reason, we are sure that they think exactly the same as we do. Although girls are usually raised differently than boys, the appearance of children affects women and men differently. Try to accept in a partner not only his strengths, but also his shortcomings. Be aware that there is something impossible for him, beyond his strength.
Get rid of perfectionism
The most destructive of all emotions is shame.
You will feel embarrassed for the recent tantrum or outburst of anger, and even more ashamed of you for being cheated on, and for the fact that you, apparently, are not good enough.
Since this feeling is unpleasant for us, we try desperately to avoid it. The most typical way is to try to be perfect in everything and hope that this will protect us from possible future suffering. We try to be the best for our partner and hope that he too will turn out to be the perfect repentant sinner.
I also often meet people who portray their relationship as ideal before infidelity and then become doubly angry at their spouse who ruined this whole idyll.
Reception No. 5
I like the phrase of the German philosopher Immanuel Kant: “You can’t cut anything straight out of such a crooked log as a person.” In other words, we cannot be perfect because we are human. And when we make a mistake or fail to achieve the impossible, we are nonetheless ashamed of it.
Returning to the first point, take this feeling in yourself and analyze the thoughts that arise about this.
It's certainly worth aiming to be the best version of yourself and your marriage to be the best version of yourself, but please, let's not aim for absolute perfection.
diary
A handy and compact diary will help you keep track of your thoughts and feelings in order to survive infidelity. It will be convenient for you not only to set goals and plan days, but also to write down your thoughts.
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Text: Maria Fedotova Photo source: Getty Images
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" A specialist explains why cheating is not a reason for divorce How to take the pain out of yourself when you thought your partner (partner) was ideal (ideal), but it turned out that he (she) is cheating on you. How do we ourselves push our half to treason, what does sexual fantasies have to do with it and is it possible to fully satisfy each other in a pair - psychologist Natalya Olifirovich told CityDog.io about this.
IMPORTANT: gety text can be read (and heard!) in Belarusian language. Perahodztse eight pa getai rescuers.
Is monogamy a form of selfishness?
- We now live in a multicultural world, where every second there are a huge number of different views on life, different values, ways of organizing a family. And everyone has to answer the question: what kind of life do I want?
Natalya Olifirovich
psychologist
Babylonian mixing of different styles of family living has led to the fact that we are dealing with very different views on adultery.
In the East, a wealthy Muslim can still live with four wives. But often, despite the fact that this is a culturally approved way of life and union, first wives suffer and suffer as much as Western women who learn about their husband's infidelity.
Talking about someone else's selfishness is rather a way to justify the desire for the other to live by my rules. People are arranged differently: there is a small percentage of families where spouses have never cheated on each other. For them, the most important thing in a pair is stability. I think that over the years the percentage of such families will decrease.
We live in a time of one-time everything: things, films, trends related to food and appearance, manner of communication become obsolete in a season. Living in such a consumer society, we also cannot help but regard previously unshakable truths as something transient. This also applies to marriage.
Why do people cheat? Often we ourselves push our partner (partner) to cheat
– There has always been cheating.
We are not universal and cannot satisfy each other's needs, including sexual ones. The sexual sphere is a subtle matter, each of us has sexual fantasies. Recall now your favorite fantasy that excites you the most. Can you share it with your partner (partner) and can you satisfy it with him (her)?
Very many fantasies are fantasies about sex with a stranger, about an idyllic date, even about rape. They are more likely to be satisfied with someone else than with a husband or wife.
There are fantasies about light BDSM: a partner (partner) binds you, dominates you. A husband or wife often does not understand this. Perhaps if you open up to them, they will consider you not quite normal, so you prefer to have pleasant enough sex and not change anything for years.
At the same time, marital sex can be monotonous and monotonous - boring, like morning exercises on an old Soviet radio. But you are satisfied with your life and want to live with your spouse further, therefore, without hesitation, you put a small “sacrifice” on the altar of marriage: send the sexual sphere to the last place in the list of interests.
It happens that a wife really wants to cheat on her husband, but does not allow herself to do so. She projects this desire onto her husband and behaves with him as if he had already cheated on her, which eventually happens.
The reasons for cheating can be absolutely non-sexual, the factors that lead to cheating can be commonplace: boredom and the routine of family life, conflicts and contradictions. If we are offended, angry, we can’t prove anything to our partner (our partner), then sometimes cheating is a “good” way to punish him or her.
Sometimes people cheat out of curiosity, out of interest. Especially those who "crawl into every hole": energetic, inquisitive men and women. And if they do not satisfy their activity and curiosity in the profession and they still have an interest in the sexual sphere, then, based on their desire to get the effect of novelty, they can simply try: how is it different? "High hirsha, ale іnsha.
"
This may be an attempt to attract attention, when a person cannot say with words, but with actions shows: if you treat me this way, then I treat you the same way. It could be revenge.
Oddly enough, it happens that people cheat in a situation when they are very stressed, well, they are already dying and going crazy from this life. Or vice versa: all problems are solved, the spouses stopped living in a situation of eternal battle, relaxed, free time appeared - why not try to change something, but at the same time, pardon the tautology, change?
"L love triangles" - this is also about envy of someone else
- There are things that we are not aware of. They may be about the appearance, which serves as a trigger, and we do not even think that it sends us into teenage fantasies and dreams. Voice timbre, intonation, some words. And people who were not going to cheat suddenly "feel magic, chemistry.
"
No wonder Belgian Esther Perel , author of numerous books on sexuality, called "love alchemy" one of the signs of betrayal. Attraction, a kind of hormonal cocktail, an obsession that occurs between people who have families, but suddenly met each other. Yes, there is something that you want unbearably, and then defense mechanisms begin to work. For example, denials - “yes, I didn’t do anything like that.” Rationalization - "all people change." Or “I don’t pretend to anything, I don’t take anyone away, on the contrary, I give pleasure - I strengthen someone else’s family.”
But it's important to understand a simple thing: you can't take someone else's even if it's not lying well.
In our time, a new lovebird has appeared - His Majesty the Internet. A huge number of people who would never meet each other in their lives register on Tinder and arrange speed dates for themselves. They can drink a cup of espresso, and the bonus is a sexy “expresso” - quick sex.
Before, I would say that we can only change with a person we can meet in the flesh in real life. If your life is work-home-friends, most often it is your inner circle. Plus resort novels, novels on business trips. As for the husbands of friends, no matter how much we want to get rid of envy and competition, we very often unconsciously try to become better than our surroundings.
It happens that a girl in adolescence did not play enough with triangles - although, in principle, none of us played enough. If we resolved the oedipal conflict associated with the child-dad-mother triangle, attraction to a parent of the opposite sex, aggression against a parent of the same sex, there would be no jealousy in the world. As soon as people fall into the triangle, they begin to act automatically.
I have had examples when a wife finds out that her husband is having sex and love with a neighbor. The wife is shocked, runs for help, begins to lose weight, goes to the gym, promises to destroy the family business, returns her husband to the family, arranges a threesome with a neighbor - which they just don’t do in such situations.
But every time a love triangle arises, one must take into account that a person invading a familiar family may experience not only attraction to one spouse, but also strong, often unconscious feelings for the second. For example, envy. And this is also a greeting from childhood, from the oedipal situation that occurs at 3-5 years old. The question always arises: is sex with this person important to us, or is it more important for us to annoy a friend, a neighbor? Compete, beat off a man or a woman?
What is "single extramarital contact" and how to deal with it?
– It does not happen that only the one who cheated is to blame. We do not take into account narcissists with a lack of empathy, abusers, other unhealthy people. Most people experience a huge range of emotions after infidelity - joy, shame, fear, guilt - and this is normal. The betrayal itself is often a "crooked" attempt to inform the partner that something is wrong in the relationship.
There is a "single extramarital contact" in the classification of infidelity. The man went on a business trip, drank at a corporate party, met school love. Such a one-time situation is usually accompanied by remorse on the part of the cheater and diligent attempts to reduce the amount of pain of the partner.
But sometimes “positive” husbands live in two families for years. Such a partner may have more strength, energy, he is ready to maintain relationships with two women, or he really loves both. I know a large number of couples where the wife knows about her husband's second family, but does not get divorced. Because the “wife” is her social status, wealth, bonuses. If a woman takes the situation calmly, she can be quite happy. But such women, maybe 1%.
How to get out of the role of a victim? How do you live with the understanding that you have been changed?
- Sometimes it seems to us that the event causes the consequences.
My husband cheated, so I feel bad, I'm a victim. But it's not. Our emotional consequences are our beliefs that cheating is bad, mean, the death of a marriage.
Imagine that in our culture they believe that eye contact is the worst sin, that you can have sex, but the main thing is not to look up. Beliefs about the sacredness and prohibition of sex have been going on since ancient times, when it was almost always accompanied by pregnancy, childbirth, questions about finances, status, and influence.
All attitudes are in our heads and in society. There is an opinion that a cheating spouse repeats the behavior of a parent who once cheated. Like, children copy the behavior of their parents, no matter how you educate them. This is bullshit. Yes, there is a family scenario when parents, grandparents cheated on each other. But there is an ideal family, and the child, growing up, begins to walk recklessly to the left.
If relationships are important, then you can step out of victimhood in a second by remembering that you have a choice.
But if you understand that you can leave at any moment, get a divorce, but you consciously choose not to do this, because you have reasons for this, then you are not a victim. If you have chosen to live with such a partner (such a partner), you are no longer a victim. You only take the role of the victim, pretending that you are an unfortunate poor thing. In doing so, you have a secondary benefit.
A person must take responsibility: if you know about the betrayal and continue to live with a person, then you must approach this responsibly. You have chosen to close your eyes and live. Then think about how you can dispose of secondary benefits and bonuses.
Love can also be different. Love is a passion, love is a painful addiction. Often love is affection, warmth, mutual assistance and understanding. It's a good, warm, mature relationship. When you realize that this person is still with you, even if he messes up somewhere.
Yes, cheating is very painful, especially if you lived together for 5-15 years, seemed like an ideal couple - and suddenly.
And here it is important to understand the main thing: what's next? How do you see your future, how does your partner see the future? It's very important to talk about it.
There are few options: we want to be together, one wants to, the second does not (this is a painful dance when one runs away, the second catches up) or the third option - the family collapses. In any case, this is a serious test. Cheating is always a challenge, self-esteem begins to crack at the seams: what is wrong with me, why me? With that, about 70% of couples cheat on each other.
Someone immediately “freezes emotions”: I am in the house. And someone will be pinned for another year or two, a person will live all the stages of mourning mixed up: shock, denial, anger, bargaining, acceptance and reorganization of life. At the moment of clearance, it is important to talk with a partner. Often a partner who has changed does not want to talk, because he is ashamed, he wants to forget everything, cancel, pretend that nothing happened.
Betrayal is also withdrawal, a certain distancing. The changer can say: “Let's forget everything, start over. How much can you procrastinate the same thing?
Sometimes it takes a long time to procrastinate. Even if a person went to a psychologist or a support group, he is very hurt and needs time to take this pain out of himself. He jerks his cheating partner over and over again, and this is normal: a person wants to make sure that they hear him, that he has the right to his pain and that the partner is ready to take care of him.
If the partner shuts him up, it is as if he says: “Yes, I cheated on you, but if you want to be with me, forget it, let's pretend that nothing happened.” After cheating, couples go to family therapy for years. One husband who cheated on his wife once told me: “Natalya, if I knew that I would have to go through such a path with you and with her, I would never cheat in my life.” I had to turn my soul inside out, find out everything.
But the couple became much closer, although it was a very difficult path.
Many do not want such treatment, for them betrayal is like a splinter that has got under the skin, but they do not pull it out. It heals, but suppuration occurs all the time.
Therefore, if there is a betrayal, it is important to talk. There may be different options: in words, your partner or partner can appease you, calm you down, but will continue to change. Or you will realize that this is a one-time betrayal, he (she) sincerely repents and will do everything so that this does not happen again. Or that your partner (partner) is not going to part with his mistress or lover. Usually in these cases, the cheating party avoids a detailed discussion of the unpleasant situation.
There are interesting ideas of the German psychotherapist Bert Hellinger , the creator of the method of systemic family constellations.
He developed the concept of balance in relationships, believing that when in a couple we do something good to another, the partner, in order for the relationship to become even better, should do a little more good than they were given.
Then the first partner also does a little more good in response. This is how a greater volume of our common good accumulates: smiles, kisses, gifts, tenderness for each other.
But it happens that the “give and take” balances need to be balanced in the bad. And if a partner has done me a bad thing, I must also do a bad thing in return. But a little less than him. Then we do not escalate the conflict, but extinguish it. If the partner has changed, I can quarrel, demand answers, but if I change in response, then I will upset the balance, doing something very bad too.
And here we are not talking about when a husband and wife fell in love with someone at the same time and emotionally separated for some time, while continuing to live together, fulfilling their family responsibilities, but in their free time enjoying on the side. The point is that when you were hurt, you also have the right to react, get angry, offended.
The worst thing is when one puts on a crown of thorns and "forgives" the other.
We are people and we want to live with living people, not with saints. Therefore, it is normal to express aggression. But it is important not to go overboard when you are furious and want to destroy the world of your spouse by taking revenge, inflicting terrible pain, for example, disgracing, taking away a business, destroying a career.
How to improve relationships after infidelity
- It is better to stop your anger in time and sincerely tell the opposite side how much it hurts you. Try to talk through the pain, calmly. “I have great rage, resentment, but most of all pain. Because you are an important person to me, and I remember all the good things that we had. I do not know what to do".
Then there is a chance to improve relations, and not aggravate the conflict. If you can be sincere, show your vulnerability and listen to each other, you have a chance to build a better relationship than before the betrayal.
Cheating is a reason to become a detective. If you can become Sherlock Holmes for your couple in order to unravel what you did together that a betrayal occurred, this may even bring some satisfaction. This will help you understand how your partner works.
If you want to build relationships, be prepared for a thousand and one nights of clarifications, conversations, understanding and misunderstanding, returning to the same point, walking in circles. It is important to overcome all the impasses caused by betrayal (“now I have the right to call you names, humiliate, despise or cheat on you - I can do whatever I want, you owe (owe) me to the grave of life”).
If a couple wants to be together further, after infidelity, then they will have to reconsider the relationship, find out how the partner really lives, what he dreams about, what he is offended by, why he behaves this way. Drink a cocktail that will consist of guilt, shame, pain, resentment, anger.
