How to help someone with intimacy issues

Coping with Your Partner's Fear of Intimacy

Can you get close to someone with intimacy issues? There are several strategies to try if you know someone who avoids forming emotional connections.

Intimacy is at the heart of human connection. Families, friends, and couples share a closeness that enriches relationships and strengthens bonds.

But if you have someone in your life that has issues with intimacy, you may wish things could be different — and wonder if there’s anything you can do to help.

People who are afraid of intimacy (sometimes called intimacy phobia) don’t mean to create distance. They want connections just as much as you do, but experience intense anxiety from intimate encounters, so emotional unavailability may be present.

Although their anxiety may not make sense to you, learning more about why they might fear intimacy can help you understand your loved one and how you might help.

People living with intimacy phobia benefit if their loved ones help them feel safe. Just keep in mind that their self-imposed isolation stems from anxiety.

You can address their anxiety with patience and support. If you handle your interactions sensitively, it can help you build an emotionally safe relationship.

Consider these strategies for developing closeness:

Communication

Communicate your thoughts and feelings in a way that’s non-confrontational. When communicating:

If you’re under stress, make sure they know it’s not their fault. You can specifically state the source of your mood, such as fatigue or frustration caused by work.
If they find the courage to share their thoughts and feelings, resist the urge to react with correction, criticism, or judgment. Instead, find common ground to join the conversation.

Empathy

When you’re empathetic, you understand or sense another person’s perspective. This can help them feel seen.

Some ways you can practice empathy include:

Listen actively.
Avoid withdrawing when they put up a wall. Instead, be present without infringing on their personal space.
Remember that their challenges with intimacy are not your fault, so don’t take it personally or act defensively.
Refrain from using manipulation strategies, no matter how well-intentioned.
Pay attention to whether you’re pressuring them, and if so, adjust your approach.

Therapy

You may want to consider raising the topic of therapy with the person who has intimacy anxiety.

They may not be ready to take this step, so you’ll want to make the suggestion without pressure. Offer to participate in couples therapy if it’s your partner. If you’re supporting a parent, sibling, or child, you can try family therapy.

The goal of therapy is to identify the root of anxiety, then figure out coping strategies. Sometimes, intimacy issues stem from complicated factors that take time for a therapist to decipher.

Labeling emotions is a tool mental health professionals teach to people living with anxiety. Rather than trying to suppress or ignore the fear, facing and identifying it can reduce its power.

Mindfulness

Mindfulness can also help ease anxiety and phobias. Meditation is one way you can practice mindfulness.

When you meditate, you pay attention to the present moment and input from your senses. You might close your eyes and focus on your breath. As thoughts arise, let them pass. Return your focus to what you can hear, feel, and smell.

You could suggest mindfulness to your loved one as an activity you do together.

Fear of intimacy can significantly affect a person’s quality of life. After all, philosopher Aristotle described humans as “social animals,” a statement that recognized our need for connection.

Emotional connection is so powerful that its presence or absence can cause physical changes.

Research in 2018 found that touch — such as hand holding between people who share emotional intimacy — can reduce physical pain.

On the other hand, people who are isolated are more vulnerable to the health effects of the stress hormone, cortisol. High cortisol levels can lead to chronic disease, altered immunity, and disrupted sleep.

When someone has intimacy phobia, stress can occur from isolation and loneliness, interfering with socializing and forming friendships.

Intimacy fears affect couples the most because of the impact on multiple areas of intimacy — such as emotional, physical, and sexual. Sometimes, the fear of emotional closeness can expand to include a reluctance toward sexual intimacy.

It helps to know whether your relationship has stalled because of general incompatibility or a true intimacy phobia.

Here are some potential signs that intimacy anxiety is the culprit:

relationship sabotage
an unstable relationship history
a tendency to be a “workaholic”
fear of abandonment
avoidance of physical contact
a reluctance to discuss emotions or feelings
issues with emotional regulation
a lack of trust
self-imposed social isolation
challenges self-advocating
extra sensitivity to criticism

While these signs might make sense, there are some others that you might not typically consider.

For example, perfectionists may not feel deserving of intimacy if they fail to live up to their own high standards. Meanwhile, excessively positive people avoid opportunities to bond over hardship and instead remain forcefully cheerful.

There are less well-known, hidden characteristics often shared by people who fear intimacy. Many things exist beneath the surface of the behaviors you can easily see.

Those who experience intimacy phobia sometimes:

react to what they assume you’re thinking because they have too much anxiety to effectively communicate
fear judgment if they share their thoughts and opinions
are unable to trust themselves
criticize themselves enough to lower their self-esteem
fear losing themselves if they open up
worry that feelings they share will be used against them
anticipate rejection
have previous trauma that damaged trust, such as abuse or the death or separation of a parent

The more you learn about intimacy issues, the easier it is to cope and come up with helpful strategies.

You could try a new shared hobby, or regularly scheduled one-on-one time to forge a connection. If it’s your partner, suggest a regular date night with no agenda other than to simply have fun.

Learn how to help them by investigating and reaching out — not only to mental health professionals, but also to people living with intimacy issues, if they’re able to share. You can connect with support groups, read blogs, and listen to podcasts.

Having intimacy phobia, or being in a relationship with someone who does, does not have to mean that you’ll never have a close relationship. It may take patience, time, and sensitivity on your part, but in the end, you might find the connection that works for you and your loved one.

Coping with Your Partner's Fear of Intimacy

Can you get close to someone with intimacy issues? There are several strategies to try if you know someone who avoids forming emotional connections.

Intimacy is at the heart of human connection. Families, friends, and couples share a closeness that enriches relationships and strengthens bonds.

But if you have someone in your life that has issues with intimacy, you may wish things could be different — and wonder if there’s anything you can do to help.

Although their anxiety may not make sense to you, learning more about why they might fear intimacy can help you understand your loved one and how you might help.

People living with intimacy phobia benefit if their loved ones help them feel safe. Just keep in mind that their self-imposed isolation stems from anxiety.

You can address their anxiety with patience and support. If you handle your interactions sensitively, it can help you build an emotionally safe relationship.

Consider these strategies for developing closeness:

Communication

Communicate your thoughts and feelings in a way that’s non-confrontational. When communicating:

If you’re under stress, make sure they know it’s not their fault. You can specifically state the source of your mood, such as fatigue or frustration caused by work.
If they find the courage to share their thoughts and feelings, resist the urge to react with correction, criticism, or judgment. Instead, find common ground to join the conversation.

Empathy

When you’re empathetic, you understand or sense another person’s perspective. This can help them feel seen.

Some ways you can practice empathy include:

Listen actively.
Avoid withdrawing when they put up a wall. Instead, be present without infringing on their personal space.
Remember that their challenges with intimacy are not your fault, so don’t take it personally or act defensively.
Refrain from using manipulation strategies, no matter how well-intentioned.
Pay attention to whether you’re pressuring them, and if so, adjust your approach.

Therapy

You may want to consider raising the topic of therapy with the person who has intimacy anxiety.

The goal of therapy is to identify the root of anxiety, then figure out coping strategies. Sometimes, intimacy issues stem from complicated factors that take time for a therapist to decipher.

Labeling emotions is a tool mental health professionals teach to people living with anxiety. Rather than trying to suppress or ignore the fear, facing and identifying it can reduce its power.

Mindfulness

Mindfulness can also help ease anxiety and phobias. Meditation is one way you can practice mindfulness.

You could suggest mindfulness to your loved one as an activity you do together.

Fear of intimacy can significantly affect a person’s quality of life. After all, philosopher Aristotle described humans as “social animals,” a statement that recognized our need for connection.

Emotional connection is so powerful that its presence or absence can cause physical changes.

Research in 2018 found that touch — such as hand holding between people who share emotional intimacy — can reduce physical pain.

When someone has intimacy phobia, stress can occur from isolation and loneliness, interfering with socializing and forming friendships.

It helps to know whether your relationship has stalled because of general incompatibility or a true intimacy phobia.

Here are some potential signs that intimacy anxiety is the culprit:

relationship sabotage
an unstable relationship history
a tendency to be a “workaholic”
fear of abandonment
avoidance of physical contact
a reluctance to discuss emotions or feelings
issues with emotional regulation
a lack of trust
self-imposed social isolation
challenges self-advocating
extra sensitivity to criticism

While these signs might make sense, there are some others that you might not typically consider.

There are less well-known, hidden characteristics often shared by people who fear intimacy. Many things exist beneath the surface of the behaviors you can easily see.

Those who experience intimacy phobia sometimes:

react to what they assume you’re thinking because they have too much anxiety to effectively communicate
fear judgment if they share their thoughts and opinions
are unable to trust themselves
criticize themselves enough to lower their self-esteem
fear losing themselves if they open up
worry that feelings they share will be used against them
anticipate rejection
have previous trauma that damaged trust, such as abuse or the death or separation of a parent

The more you learn about intimacy issues, the easier it is to cope and come up with helpful strategies.

You could try a new shared hobby, or regularly scheduled one-on-one time to forge a connection. If it’s your partner, suggest a regular date night with no agenda other than to simply have fun.

What does a sexologist do and when should you contact him? .

About interest in sexual health

People began to turn to sexologists more often because there was more information and freedom, and the topic of sex was no longer taboo. Until the last decade, mostly men came for help - the ratio was about 9:1 or 8:2. This is due to the fact that the presence or absence of intimate relationships largely depends on whether a man is wealthy: an erection allows you to have sexual intercourse, and ejaculation - to carry out a reproductive function. Women used to deal with several problems: vaginismus, when sexual intercourse is impossible due to spasm of the muscles of the vagina, pain during sexual intercourse and lack of desire as such. But since the 90s, women began to come with complaints about the lack of orgasm - this problem began to be discussed more often in the media. Today people come with anorgasmia more often than with other sexual problems. In addition, now women have become more independent, and this allowed them to deal not only with health, but also with the quality of life.

Sexuality is presented differently in the media. There are educational publications, and there are false, unrealistic materials - for example, they write that a woman should almost lose consciousness during an orgasm. And the woman, having an orgasm, comes and says that she wants exactly as described in the magazine. Sexuality issues need to be covered in the media, but the information should not be based on individual experience and own conclusions, but on the ideas accepted by the professional community.

Quite often people come not with diseases, but with the so-called "imaginary sexual disorders", when normal sexual manifestations are interpreted as a disorder, and against this background there is a fixation. It is still considered a disorder, because a person experiences, gives a reaction, and it can be different - from psychological anxiety to hypochondriacal, anxiety and depressive states.

People who have problems in sexual relationships are reluctant to seek help - this is still an intimate area of life. Word of mouth works in other areas of medicine - a person went to a dentist, got his teeth fixed and recommended him to his friends. But no one will talk about their sexual problems and failure in intimate life. This is especially true for men, because their sexual viability is identified with masculinity, although I believe that this is a misconception.

I had patients who, being married, could not live sexually for 10-13 years, until relatives began to ask about offspring. Due to their personal characteristics, some shyness, they did not ask for help. Some people mistakenly believe that sexologists deal only with psychological and mental problems, especially since the department of sexopathology is located at the Institute of Psychiatry. But in fact, sexology is an interdisciplinary specialty, so sexologists should be contacted for any problems in sexual life. In the presence of decompensated somatic diseases, the sexologist will refer you to the relevant specialists.

There are statistics according to which among the traumatic factors that provoke suicidal behavior, one of the leading ones can be problems in the intimate-personal sphere. Such problems are hard to experience, and not every person is ready to talk about them, although he cannot find a way out on his own. But the situation is changing, the population has become more flexible in this sense.

About the formation of sexuality

The formation of a child's sexuality occurs under the influence of the family, so it is the parents who should be involved in sexual education. The child takes over, like a tracing paper, the stencil in which he lives - this is mom, dad, their relationships, behavior. The formation of sexuality begins with gender identity, that is, with what gender the child realizes himself, then gender-role behavior is formed, in which certain notes appear, then orientation, and so on.

Unfortunately, often people begin their sexual life very early, during puberty and even in the prepubertal period, when sexuality is not yet fully formed. For a harmonious sexual life, the onset of biological puberty is not enough; the mental component of sexuality is also important. Sexual attraction is formed in stages: first, platonic and romantic love should appear, then erotic and only at the end - sexual. It is people with immature sexuality who most often have various problems in the intimate-personal sphere.

In principle, by the age of majority a person goes through stages of psychosexual development. By this moment, the personality of a person is manifested, he can be aware of what and how is happening. Early entry into sexual relations leads to some depreciation, fragmentation, impoverishment. About healthy sexual relationships a person and his ability to love, which is based on the right to enjoyment and information about sexuality. This capacious concept testifies, first of all, that healthy sexual relations can exist between mature people - both in somatic and psychological, intellectual terms.

Relationships are more than just sexual intercourse. It is not the presence or absence of infection and the ability to erect and ejaculate. In a healthy and mature relationship, there will be no question at all whether there is an orgasm or not, because the relationship becomes so positive, multifaceted and beautiful that obsession with some details disappears altogether.

At the same time, one-night-stand relationships, consumer ideas about sex, are not necessarily some kind of disorder. The question here should be about why this is happening, what kind of person it is, what is its worldview, worldview. Sex should provide an opportunity for growth, for something better - this is not just a poetic saying, it really is.

The International Classification of Diseases (ICD) is a kind of reference point for distinguishing between the concepts of norm and pathology. For example, ICD homosexuality is not a disease, and it cannot be cured. Accordingly, the question of the health of homosexual relationships cannot arise at all. Another thing is that people who experience certain difficulties in establishing relationships can give completely different reactions that require medical attention.

We are developing, society is becoming more flexible, but, being in the minority, people of homosexual orientation, depending on their personality, upbringing, family attitudes and attitude towards them, can give completely different reactions - up to depressive ones. Rejection and conflicts in the family due to the orientation of one of its members make it necessary to contact a specialist. The task of the doctor in this case is to mitigate the conflict situation and change the attitude towards the problem of the person himself.

Sexual function, unlike other functional systems of the body, is fully manifested in a couple. Sexual relations are interaction and communication with another person, with certain personal characteristics, value system, intellectual level, which can contribute to the development of each other. Therefore, I would definitely not reduce previous experience only to the technique of sex. As for the need for sexual experience for the quality of intimate life, everything here is actually very individual, everything again depends on the specific person. If we talk about sexual experience as a goal - this is not entirely correct, treating sexual relationships as training is at least primitive.

About gender stereotypes in sexual relationships

There is some speculation when talking about gender roles in sexual relationships. "Biological" arguments are often made - they say that men are inherently polygamous, because a man is capable of fertilization all the time, because spermatozoa are produced in the millions, and a woman can become pregnant only one day a month. Allegedly, this affects male sexual behavior. But there is another point of view that justifies female polygamy - since a woman can become pregnant one day a month, then she must constantly have sexual relations in order not to miss her chance. I think both points of view are wrong. The fact that for a person, regardless of gender, another person, in addition to a permanent partner, may be of sexual interest, is natural. Of course, the same type of relationship can become boring, so one must develop and improve.

But it is one thing when something is of interest to you, and another thing is to realize this interest. People get stuck when they don't develop partnerships. Dissatisfaction in a relationship leads to frustration, which can push some people into relationships on the side. Naturally, this does not help resolve the conflict in the relationship. There is an opinion that a man is more allowed to fulfill his sexual needs somewhere outside his relationship if the woman does not know about it. The question is not who is allowed and who is not, but why such a need for a couple arises. If it occurs, then the relationship is disharmonic, which means that they require some work and correction.

Specialists are needed, among other things, to debunk myths and stereotypes, to help not discriminate against someone, to explain that one person should not be an object to meet the needs of another. There are, of course, such relationships, but the stereotypes themselves should be criticized.

About sexual disorders, vaginismus and prostatitis

Disorders can be organic, psychogenic or mixed in origin. Mixed - this is when, for example, a man with a sexual disorder associated with impaired blood circulation in the vessels of the penis has a reaction in the form of an anxious expectation of failure, which can further impair erection.

The partnership situation is also of great importance. For example, in the case of the same poor erection, the partner can alleviate or aggravate the situation, or may be the cause of the formation of pathology. This is not only about cases with an erection - it also happens that men express dissatisfaction with the woman's orgasm and begin to demand an orgasm from her and drive to the doctors.

As for vaginismus, then there is a sharp spastic contraction of the muscles - entry into the vagina becomes impossible, and sexual intercourse cannot be performed. It comes in varying degrees of severity. True vaginismus is a psychogenic disorder. It is associated with a certain phobic component - for example, the fear of pain, including during defloration, the fear of introducing something foreign. This can be called coitophobia. Vaginismus is also found in hysterical individuals who have such a feature as increased suggestibility, impressionability. In this case, a woman forms an idea of sex as a kind of special will, and about herself as a suffering one, which requires a special approach, a special attitude. There is also pseudovaginismus - when the cause of such a reaction is the presence of an inflammatory disease that causes pain. In fact, vaginismus is considered favorable in terms of therapeutic prognosis, because it can be cured once and for all life. With true vaginismus, methods of psychotherapy and behavioral therapy are required, with vaginismus associated with inflammation, the underlying disease must be treated first.

As for prostatitis, it is an inflammation of the prostate gland, which can be acute or chronic. This is one of the glands that is involved in the process of ejaculation: one of the components of the ejaculate is prostatic juice. Therefore, inflammation of this organ can affect sexual function. But everything, again, goes through the prism of personality. It may be that a person who has had venereal diseases many times, had infectious lesions, prostatitis, will have a sexual life without problems, if this is not an acute condition with pain and temperature, when there is no time for sex at all. And there are people who, due to their hypochondriacal mood, put an end to their sexual life and start running to doctors, undergoing multiple examinations and treatments, although it may not be the prostate at all. The approach to this should be more balanced and comprehensive. You can’t say that the prostate has nothing to do with it at all, but it’s also impossible to say that all the problems are from it.

There is a trend towards overdiagnosis now. Sexual function is provided by many systems. When a person has problems with sexual function, he turns to urologists, who, naturally, begin to find diseases - if you look closely, you can find something in any person. And due to the fact that a person is sure that the problem is in the organ, the treatment of prostatitis can have some effect, but after the end of therapy, the problems persist.

About the treatment of sexual disorders

Treatment can only be individual, but in any case it is complex. The predominant method is always psychotherapy. In general, a patient in any medical field must first believe in a doctor, so the doctor must establish empathic contact, and this will already be the beginning of the therapeutic process. Of course, there are special, special methods of psychotherapy that, in case of psychogenic forms, family sexual and interpersonal problems, are the leading method of treatment if there are no severe depressions and other mental disorders that require psychopharmacotherapeutic correction.

Naturally, if necessary, drug therapy is prescribed, in case of hormonal disorders - hormonal therapy. There are some disorders that may require surgical intervention.

Sexology is the only area in which the partnership context matters. Involving a partner or partner in this process occurs in different ways. What is needed here is precisely that medical thinking that will allow in a particular situation to form tactics and a sequence of therapeutic measures.

About the work of a sexologist

Sexology is an interdisciplinary specialty. It is located at the intersection of several medical specialties: psychiatry, neurology, endocrinology, gynecology, urology and, of course, general medicine. In general, “sex” in translation from English means “gender”, therefore, in fact, sexology is the science of sex, of a person as such, although many mistakenly believe that it is about sex.

Sexology is a medical science. Therefore, the specialty "psychologist-sexologist" does not exist, but there are some psychological problems that a psychologist can work with: childhood traumas, problems in the parental family, in relationships. At the same time, if a person needs surgery, we will not call the surgeon a sexologist. For example, multiple sclerosis may first manifest itself as a sexual pathology - erectile dysfunction, ejaculatory function. And it is the sexologist who can sort out the problem and refer the patient to a neurologist to conduct the main treatment.

About the female orgasm

There are different data about the female orgasm. It is believed that among women under 40 years of age who live a regular sexual life, approximately 10% never experience an orgasm during intercourse. 17% of women who have been sexually active for at least five years have never experienced an orgasm. Here we mean not only sexual intercourse, but in general - no orgasm. During intercourse itself, approximately 30% of women experience an orgasm with ease, while others may have varying degrees of difficulty. The degree of trust and the degree of maturity are very important here.

The ability to experience an orgasm is highly dependent on the partner situation. In many ways, the presence of an orgasm is determined by harmony in relationships, how partners feel each other and how flexible they are. You always need to understand, feel a partner, discuss each other's features, listen. In men, orgasm is biologically simpler, because the main purpose of sexual function is procreation, and for this, a male orgasm is required, since it is accompanied by ejaculation. In a woman, the ability to reproduce does not depend on orgasm, and nature could not make it so that it was connected.

There are women who can't experience orgasms at all. For example, this may be due to a puritanical upbringing - when a woman is not allowed anything, issues related to sexuality are taboo for her, and any manifestation of sexuality is immoral. When any manifestation of sexuality is considered unworthy, it becomes a taboo on a subconscious level. In the absence of organic pathology, which also occurs, most likely it is a psychological problem.

About advertised drugs

Often there are advertisements for drugs that supposedly help solve problems in the sexual sphere. I have already said that people do not come for help, because the sexual sphere of life is closed - for this reason it is easier for them, without advertising, to buy a drug and how to solve the problem. In fact, you can’t buy anything yourself, all prescriptions should only be from a doctor.

There can be no drugs for penis enlargement in principle. The organ consists mainly of vascular cavities, which cannot increase in any way. Of course, operations are performed when the ligament holding the root of the penis is lengthened. In childhood, when the penis is underdeveloped due to hormonal problems, it is still possible to correct something with the help of therapy, but this is impossible with adults.

Other means that are distributed in the same way are pheromones, and they are quite real. They have a strong effect on animals, and with a person, if you believe in it, they can work. Once a married couple came to me: on his part there were attempts to have sex, and she said that she did not like his smell. It happens that due to the peculiarities of the work of the glands there may be different smells, but there was not that case - there was no specific smell, I just didn’t like it. Some, on the contrary, like the smell of sweat, and it can be assumed that pheromones play a role here.

About sex training

There are now many institutions that offer help to people with sexual problems. I can't say that I fundamentally have something against training in sexual techniques, oral-genital relations, orgasm techniques, and so on. If people improve their skills and try to improve the quality of intimate relationships, perhaps in some cases this helps. Some skills, a variety of intimate relationships, expanding the range of different techniques is good. But it is definitely impossible to reduce everything only to techniques.

It can also increase the person's fixation on problems. It seems that a person goes to study, but nothing happens. People in relationships grow and begin to feel each other, and such courses are unlikely to contribute to this.

About the prevention of sexual disorders

There are no clear measures that would reliably insure a person from the occurrence of sexual problems. But of course, a healthy lifestyle is suitable in all cases, and in this sense, the sexual sphere is not an exception, but even vice versa. Sexual function is provided by the health of other body systems, so it is better to have proper nutrition, physical activity, and the absence of bad habits.

Education is also important. Sexuality is formed from the moment a person first opened his eyes and saw the world. Therefore, you need to take care of your children from the very beginning, because any omission will create problems for this person in the future. Nothing will pass without a trace, upbringing will affect both functionality and the ability to establish relationships.

But, of course, everything is individual. Respiratory cancer is not limited to smokers. Among those who smoke, there are significantly more of them, but no one is insured. Sexuality is like litmus paper. A person has several instincts - food, sexual and self-preservation instinct. The food instinct and the instinct of self-preservation are vital, because if this is not present, the organism dies. And the sexual instinct is not vital, but it affects the quality of life. When a problem arises in the psycho-emotional sphere, first of all, something that is not important from the point of view of continuing life falls out. Therefore, the absence of sexuality is an unfavorable symptom.

Interview with a sexologist: what sexual fantasies men and women have and how to diversify their intimate life | v1.ru

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Relationships and sex are an important part of our lives, so today we'll talk about them. Just don't be hypocrites! We tell you what problems people face in bed, how to talk with a partner about your sexual fantasies and how to return a faded desire. Where to turn with problems in intimate life? “Won’t they laugh at me in a sex shop?” Tatyana Gorbunova, a sexologist and intimate gymnastics trainer, will help us sort out all the exciting issues.

A sexologist is a specialist who helps to correct sexual education and sexual behavior of people. He may have a medical or psychological background. It is difficult for an ordinary person to determine where the problem is hiding that prevents them from enjoying intimate life. An experienced specialist will determine its localization: body or psyche.

Both men and women come to me with different requests. The main problem is dissatisfaction in sex. Women present for lack of orgasm or vaginismus (involuntary muscle spasms that block the entrance to the vagina. - Approx. ed. ). Previously, in the medical dictionary there was the word "frigidity", which stamped all women with problems in the sexual sphere. Now it is not there: we are looking for and successfully solving problems. When a woman finds a new man, after a divorce or a long-term relationship, she wants to correct all past mistakes, she wants to become a better person and create a strong bond. We must pay tribute to such women who always strive to develop and learn new things,” said Tatyana Gorbunova.

Women, as expected, worry more about relationships than men

Photo: Irina Sharova / 72.RU

Men turn to a sexologist with erectile dysfunction (impotence), premature ejaculation or unrealized fantasies. The expert believes that often the cause of such problems is education in society, where the stronger sex cannot show weakness. Men are afraid to be misunderstood and ridiculed, and therefore suppress their desires.

- I had a client, a young man with an unrealized foot fetish fantasy (sexual attraction to feet. - Approx. ed. ). He was willing to pay women just to caress their feet, without sex. The man is married, but did not want to ask his wife about it for fear of losing authority in the family. We went to therapy so that he could correctly present this to his wife and give this pleasure to her, and not to other women, ”explains the sexologist.

Tatyana Gorbunova is sure that if a fantasy is not realized, sooner or later it will find a way out. In the extreme, this will lead to treason. And although this concept has a different meaning for each couple, it is always a signal of problems. It is often much easier to prevent a “turn to the left” than to forgive a guilty spouse (or spouse) later.

— Couples often come to me when they are on the verge of a divorce. I always try to save and save families. Once, after group therapy, I received a message: “Tatiana, it's good that we have you! Yesterday, my colleague's daughter jumped out of the window because of her husband's infidelity. Infidelity is a great tragedy for women's self-esteem. It is impossible for a person to be left alone with his problem. You need to contact a specialist until the point of no return has been passed, the expert concludes sadly.

Secret desires can sit in your head all your life and wait in the wings. They are different for everyone, but there are those that are most common. In men and women, they differ in many ways, but there are also common ones.

- Men have three main erotic fantasies: deep throat blowjob, anal sex, and sex with two women or with a stranger. Women secretly desire group sex (and the third can be a person of any gender), sex with coercion or even elements of violence, as well as making love with another woman. Any fantasy should be presented to the partner carefully, giving time to digest this proposal. If a person is not ready, try to realize your desire partially. For example, if you like BDSM, don't try hard on the first try. Start with velvet handcuffs, soft masks, tassels, light flip flops. Give yourself and your partner a taste. You can start with a brush massage with softly tied hands - this is pleasant and does not hurt. But a person will form an anchor for pleasure. Then you can just put the handcuffs on the table, and your significant other will start to get excited, Tatyana Gorbunova advises.

A sexologist shared a story when her client had an unexpected desire. A man was standing at a crossroads and saw a girl on a sports bike. Her seat was raised high, and she herself was wearing short shorts. And with some movement, he noticed a strazik between her legs - the beauty was driving with an anal plug. The man got very excited, came home and told his wife: “Let's go to the sex shop. I want sex with a cork. Want Want want!" The couple tried it and was delighted with the new sensations.

— Fantasies can come unexpectedly, just as they can go away. I had a client whose wife dreamed of a threesome. He did not want this, but he was not going to lose his beloved either. I suggested they go to a swinger party. Do not rush into the pool with your head, but just look. He agreed. When his wife was there and saw everything with her own eyes, she abruptly changed her mind. This is also normal, it happens. It is important to feel ready and interested in something. Unfortunately, people are traumatized both morally and physically. If a girl has experienced severe pain in a past relationship or childhood abuse, you are unlikely to convince her to have sex, which can bring even mild pain. And you should not do this, - added Tatyana Gorbunova.

Every person has this question sooner or later. Most often, this is a normal stage in a long-term relationship. The fact is that when we fall in love, our hormones go through the roof. We lose our heads at a single touch, a word, or even a text message. But over time it passes.

- Passions subside in any couple. Our hormonal system cannot work at its limit for life. When the candy-bouquet period ends, our usual libido returns to the arena. Sex becomes less, and many it scares. Conflicts in a couple begin in a situation where one of them has a strong type of sexual constitution, while the other has a weak one. It turns out that one partner wants sex every day, while the other is enough once a month. But this situation can be corrected if both are brought to the middle type: one is calmed down a little, and the other, on the contrary, is warmed up, the sexologist explained.

You can find a lot of interesting things on the shelves of adult stores. For example, intimate cosmetics that can delay the time of ejaculation or force blood to flow to the right place and cause arousal

Photo: Irina Sharova / 72. RU

The sexual constitution is a series of biological parameters that determine the level of sexual desire. This is the degree of our sexual desire, which comes from nature. The stronger the sexual constitution, the higher it is. You can determine your type by your body; a special scale has been developed for this: for men and women, for obvious reasons, it will differ. In general, the earlier a person begins and ends puberty, the more intense will be sexual desire throughout life. You can read more in our big review.

How to solve this problem so as not to offend each other? Tatyana Gorbunova reminds us that our libido is a vessel that needs to be filled. And you need to know what. It can be dancing, walking in nature, watching movies, making pots, talking with like-minded people, getting a massage, having a delicious dinner, or simply relaxing. When you are exhausted, you are unlikely to burn with the desire to fool around in bed (except with a pillow and a blanket). If you forget about problems in sexual relations, then sooner or later they will come to a serious conflict.

— If people endure for a long time and then say everything to each other, then it becomes a drama. A woman can blurt out to her husband that she has been faking orgasms all her married life. Imagine his feelings at this moment! Why bring the situation to such a state? All relationships have stages, it is important to go through them correctly. After falling in love, there should be a story about trust, openness and a desire to be with each other. We need to discuss problems, speak honestly about them and not blame. Sex can become harmonious, but for this you need to make an effort. Find out what your partner likes, don't be shy about talking about yourself. Today we have the opportunity to make sex life incredible: sex toys, intimate cosmetics, massage master classes and so on. But this needs to be given time, like work, household chores or children. Sex is our most important basic need, says the sexologist.

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