How to have better boundaries

10 Ways to Build and Preserve Better Boundaries I Psych Central

Understanding how to set personal limits is essential for building and maintaining healthy relationships.

Many people know what the word “boundaries” means, but they have no idea what they are. You might think of boundaries as something like a property line or “brick wall” used to keep people out.

But boundaries are not rigid lines drawn in the sand that are clear for all to see.

Boundaries are a way to take care of ourselves. When you understand how to set and maintain healthy boundaries, you can avoid the feelings of resentment, disappointment, and anger that build up when limits have been pushed.

Boundaries can take many forms. They can range from being rigid and strict to appearing almost nonexistent.

If you have more rigid boundaries, you might:

keep others at a distance
seem detached, even with intimate partners
have few close relationships
avoid close relationships

If you have more loose or open boundaries, you might:

get too involved with others’ problems
find it difficult to say “no” to others’ requests
overshare personal information with others
seek to please others for fear of rejection

A person with healthy boundaries understands that making their expectations clear helps in two ways: it establishes what behavior you will accept from other people, and it establishes what behavior other people can expect from you. If you have healthy boundaries, you might:

share personal information appropriately (not too much or not too little)
understand your personal needs and wants and know how to communicate them
value your own opinions
accept when others tell you “no”

Many of us have a mix of boundaries depending on the situation. For example, you might have strict boundaries at work and more loose ones at home or with family and friends.

There might even be different boundaries based on a person’s culture. For example, some cultures find that sharing personal information is not appropriate at any time, while in other cultures, sharing might be encouraged at all times.

Building healthy boundaries — whether you’re at work, at home, or hanging out with friends — hinges on understanding the types of boundaries.

There are five different types:

Physical. This refers to your personal space, your privacy, and your body. You might be someone who is comfortable with public displays of affection (hugs, kisses, and hand-holding), or you might be someone who prefers not to be touched in public.
Sexual. These are your expectations concerning intimacy. Sexual comments and touches might be uncomfortable for you.
Intellectual. These boundaries concern your thoughts and beliefs. Intellectual boundaries are not respected when someone dismisses another person’s ideas and opinions.
Emotional. This refers to a person’s feelings. You might not feel comfortable sharing your feelings about everything with a friend or partner. Instead, you prefer to share gradually over time.

Financial. This one, as you guessed, is all about money. If you like to save money — not spend it on trendy fashions — you might not want to loan money to a friend who does.

When you get ready to establish your boundaries, be sure to take each one into account.

“In a nutshell, it’s knowing how to separate your feelings or ‘stuff’ from someone else’s,” says U.K.-based psychologist Dr. Tara Quinn-Cirillo. “As human beings we have our own thoughts, memories, and lived experiences, and sometimes that can become very blurred with someone else’s. Boundaries are healthy for helping you identify and keep that space.”

Whereas security alarms signal when physical boundaries are crossed, you have to rely on your own internal alert systems to determine when your emotional and psychological boundaries are infringed upon.

For example, “If you come away from a meeting or telephone conversation with friends, family, or anyone, feeling depleted, anxious, [or] wound-up, there are probably boundaries being breached,” explains Sally Baker, a senior, licensed, and accredited therapist in London, U.K.

Setting boundaries is beneficial for far more than just defining our identity. Having them in place “limits your exposure to stress and the [body’s] production of adrenaline and cortisol [the stress hormone],” Baker says. “It protects your mental well-being.”

Dr. Quinn-Cirillo agrees that well-being is a key factor, as a lack of boundaries can “lead to emotional and physical fatigue,” especially if you have to deal with the exhausting behaviors of others.

And it doesn’t end there. Boundaries promote a sense of autonomy, says Dr. Quinn-Cirillo, in “that you are in control as far as possible in what you want and don’t want.” They can also “keep you safe in relationships at work, home, and with partners, and that’s really important.”

Research also shows that blurred boundaries, particularly between work and home life, are linked to unhealthier lifestyles and lower levels of happiness, along with a higher risk of family conflict. So, you’ll want to get yours in check.

Relationship woes? Our advice columnist wants to hear from you!

Submit your anonymous questions here for Sex, Love, and All of the Above from Psych Central sex and relationships writer Morgan Mandriota. Then subscribe to our weekly newsletter to find out if your question is featured.

Not sure how to go about creating boundaries or effectively uphold existing ones? We’ve rounded up some of the best approaches to try.

Enjoy some self-reflection

To successfully introduce and set boundaries, it’s key to understand why they’re each important to you and how they will benefit your emotional well-being.

“Take some time to be a detective of your own psychology,” suggests Baker. “So often stuff happens to people and they feel uncomfortable, but they’re not sure why. The first step in having healthy boundaries in any situation is spending the time to explore what’s happening to you.”

Start small

If you don’t have many boundaries in place already, the prospect of introducing more might seem overwhelming — so build them up slowly.

Doing so allows you to take things at a more comfortable pace, and it provides time to reflect on whether it’s heading in the right direction or if you need to make some tweaks.

Set them early

“Sometimes it can be really hard to start putting boundaries in, especially in pre-existing relationships,” says Dr. Quinn-Cirillo. “If you can put in boundaries straight away, it’s a lot easier to work with.”

By setting boundaries and expectations from the very beginning, everyone knows where they stand, and feelings of hurt, confusion, and frustration can be lessened.

Be consistent

Letting boundaries slide can lead to confusion and encourage new expectations and demands among those around you.

Try keeping things consistent and steady. This helps to reinforce your original thresholds and beliefs, and it ensures those lines remain clearly established.

Create a framework

Dr. Quinn-Cirillo notes that boundaries “vary depending on the type of relationship.” However, if you find it helpful, there’s no reason not to have a few basics in place that can be adapted accordingly.

Consider getting an hour or two of alone time each weekend. This boundary could apply whether you live with a partner, have a busy social schedule with friends, or are close with your family.

Feel free to add extras

In some aspects of our lives, there are boundaries already in place — such as in the workplace. But consider these the minimum. Colleagues will likely have some of their own in place, and it’s okay for you to add some too.

Doing so may even enhance your performance. Austrian researchers found that employees who introduced personal workplace boundaries felt more empowered.

Be aware of social media

These platforms allow for more communication than ever, but they’ve also encouraged some considerable boundary blurring.

“There’s some incredible oversharing happening,” Baker states, and research shows that over half of us are concerned that family and friends will post personal information or photos that we don’t want shared publicly.

If you deem a particular action as boundary-crossing in real life, your concerns are no less valid when it occurs digitally. “You don’t have to expose yourself to social media that’s distressing you,” she adds.

Talk, talk, talk

Communication is critical in the world of boundaries, especially if someone consistently oversteps yours. While you might need to raise your concerns, these discussions need not be confrontational.

For example, if you have a friend who sends messages nonstop, Dr. Quinn-Cirillo suggests saying something along the lines of, “‘I can see you really wanted to get hold of me, but the best thing to do is drop me a message, and I’ll get back to you when I can.’” This gently highlights their behavior while simultaneously asserting your threshold.

Be your biggest champion

For boundaries to have a strong foundation, you need to show yourself a bit of love, notes Baker. “If you’ve got a narrative in your head that says you’re worthless and undeserving, then you’re going to find it difficult to put boundaries in place that protect you,” she says. “A lot of it comes down to self-worth and self-value.”

It doesn’t take much to start encouraging this mindset either, adds Baker. The more you engage in activities “that release feel-good hormones, like singing, running, or whatever you want to do — things that feed your own heart — then that’s going to help change your internal dialogue and make you feel more deserving.”

Gain some perspective

Not having boundaries can be detrimental to our mental health, but going too far and over-thinking them can also impact our emotional well-being, reveals Dr. Quinn-Cirillo.

“Get a healthy level of thinking about boundaries,” she says. “Have some but don’t be dictated by them. Sometimes you’ve just got to go with your gut instinct. We can forget that we’re actually quite good at navigating most things and are quite intuitive as human beings.”

In addition to setting your own boundaries, it’s important to appreciate those of others, too — even if they’re different from your own. So how can you determine what they are?

Frustratingly, “there’s no magic science,” says Dr. Quinn-Cirillo. “If you’re concerned or unsure, just ask.” Fortunately, the conversation doesn’t have to be awkward or confrontational. “Just general discussion helps,” she continues. “Say something like, ‘Can I message you later?’ or ‘When is it good to message?’ They help start to put a framework in place.”

It’s also about using your common sense. If your partner hates using social media, there’s a good chance they won’t want those coupled-up selfies plastered across your Instagram or Facebook account. Or, if a friend says they don’t want to see a particular movie, don’t pester them until they cave in.

Dr. Quinn-Cirillo reveals that repeatedly violating boundaries “can breed resentment and contempt, and cause people to withdraw.” So there’s no harm in taking a moment to think before you act.

Boundaries are essential for various reasons and look different to everyone. You might be concerned that they will make you seem unfriendly or confrontational, but as this Inside Mental Health podcast from Psych Central reveals, it is possible to maintain them without upsetting those you care about.

Don’t feel guilty about setting boundaries. They’re essentially a form of self-care, and we actively look to incorporate other elements of this into our lives daily — from eating a balanced diet to exercising. This is no different!

It might take some time and consideration to decipher the boundaries most important to you and the best ways to implement them, but your mental well-being will appreciate the effort in the long run.

10 Ways to Build and Preserve Better Boundaries I Psych Central

Understanding how to set personal limits is essential for building and maintaining healthy relationships.

But boundaries are not rigid lines drawn in the sand that are clear for all to see.

Boundaries can take many forms. They can range from being rigid and strict to appearing almost nonexistent.

If you have more rigid boundaries, you might:

keep others at a distance
seem detached, even with intimate partners
have few close relationships
avoid close relationships

If you have more loose or open boundaries, you might:

get too involved with others’ problems
find it difficult to say “no” to others’ requests
overshare personal information with others
seek to please others for fear of rejection

share personal information appropriately (not too much or not too little)
understand your personal needs and wants and know how to communicate them
value your own opinions
accept when others tell you “no”

Many of us have a mix of boundaries depending on the situation. For example, you might have strict boundaries at work and more loose ones at home or with family and friends.

Building healthy boundaries — whether you’re at work, at home, or hanging out with friends — hinges on understanding the types of boundaries.

There are five different types:

Physical. This refers to your personal space, your privacy, and your body. You might be someone who is comfortable with public displays of affection (hugs, kisses, and hand-holding), or you might be someone who prefers not to be touched in public.
Sexual. These are your expectations concerning intimacy. Sexual comments and touches might be uncomfortable for you.
Intellectual. These boundaries concern your thoughts and beliefs. Intellectual boundaries are not respected when someone dismisses another person’s ideas and opinions.
Emotional. This refers to a person’s feelings. You might not feel comfortable sharing your feelings about everything with a friend or partner. Instead, you prefer to share gradually over time.
Financial. This one, as you guessed, is all about money. If you like to save money — not spend it on trendy fashions — you might not want to loan money to a friend who does.

When you get ready to establish your boundaries, be sure to take each one into account.

Relationship woes? Our advice columnist wants to hear from you!

Not sure how to go about creating boundaries or effectively uphold existing ones? We’ve rounded up some of the best approaches to try.

Enjoy some self-reflection

To successfully introduce and set boundaries, it’s key to understand why they’re each important to you and how they will benefit your emotional well-being.

Start small

If you don’t have many boundaries in place already, the prospect of introducing more might seem overwhelming — so build them up slowly.

Doing so allows you to take things at a more comfortable pace, and it provides time to reflect on whether it’s heading in the right direction or if you need to make some tweaks.

Set them early

By setting boundaries and expectations from the very beginning, everyone knows where they stand, and feelings of hurt, confusion, and frustration can be lessened.

Be consistent

Letting boundaries slide can lead to confusion and encourage new expectations and demands among those around you.

Try keeping things consistent and steady. This helps to reinforce your original thresholds and beliefs, and it ensures those lines remain clearly established.

Create a framework

Consider getting an hour or two of alone time each weekend. This boundary could apply whether you live with a partner, have a busy social schedule with friends, or are close with your family.

Feel free to add extras

Doing so may even enhance your performance. Austrian researchers found that employees who introduced personal workplace boundaries felt more empowered.

Be aware of social media

These platforms allow for more communication than ever, but they’ve also encouraged some considerable boundary blurring.

Talk, talk, talk

Communication is critical in the world of boundaries, especially if someone consistently oversteps yours. While you might need to raise your concerns, these discussions need not be confrontational.

Be your biggest champion

Gain some perspective

Not having boundaries can be detrimental to our mental health, but going too far and over-thinking them can also impact our emotional well-being, reveals Dr. Quinn-Cirillo.

In addition to setting your own boundaries, it’s important to appreciate those of others, too — even if they’re different from your own. So how can you determine what they are?

Dr. Quinn-Cirillo reveals that repeatedly violating boundaries “can breed resentment and contempt, and cause people to withdraw.” So there’s no harm in taking a moment to think before you act.

It might take some time and consideration to decipher the boundaries most important to you and the best ways to implement them, but your mental well-being will appreciate the effort in the long run.

How to fix "weak boundaries"?: evo_lutio — LiveJournal

Many people believe that good personal boundaries are the ability to refuse, which some do not have due to too good upbringing.

Say, there are super-delicate people who don't know how to refuse, because they are very polite. And as if it is necessary to teach these too soft and open people to be tougher. And to teach them to be tougher, you need to explain to them that they have every right to defend themselves. And then these nice people will learn to fight back boors. nine0003

Why is this myth harmful?

People who allow their so-called boundaries to be constantly violated do so for a simple reason. They are afraid to refuse. That is, “weak boundaries” is not a lack of defenses, but an overprotection due to fear. Any person in the world knows that it is, in principle, possible to refuse. In response to any request, proposal, and even more so a requirement, it is technically possible to refuse. If they throw a request at you, it's like a tennis ball that you can hit back by saying "no" or "thank you, no. " But in order to hit this ball and send it back, you need to be sure that this is the right gesture. It is in the correctness of the refusal that the so-called victims of weak boundaries are not sure. They hesitate, doubt, hesitate, and often agree. And sometimes they agree without hesitation, and then they worry and complain to their acquaintances. And friends say to them: how so? Why don't you defend your borders? nine0003

The correct answer to this “why” is most often not the one given, that is, not “I am too well brought up”, but much more simply: “I am afraid of the consequences of refusal”. Refusal can have different consequences. The smallest consequence: the proposer will not offer more. The biggest thing: the offerer will hold a grudge. Remember the bearded anecdote where the hare went and wrote down all the animals for dinner with the lion, in the sense that the animals should be supper in turn. And when some animal, I don’t remember which one, asked “can I not come?” the hare said "then I'll cross it out. " And that's all. That is, in most cases, the one who refused is not in danger of anything, even a grudge against him is unlikely to be hidden, or they will be hidden, but quickly forgotten. He will simply be crossed out from the list of those who can be offered this. And this is exactly what a person with so-called weak boundaries is afraid of. I write "so-called" because I want to say that it's not about the weakness of the borders. That is, the point is not that a person has everything, but the boundaries are bad. Not at all, his borders are trying to adjust to his great needs. nine0003

You probably know stories about overly sensitive people. Here is a delicate person, to whom uninvited guests always break into the house, have a snack from his refrigerator, go to bed or have fun all night, completely ignoring the owner’s headache. And those to whom the owner then complains are very angry at stories about such impudent people. After all, they say, what rubbish, they take advantage of the fact that a person is well brought up. But a good upbringing has nothing to do with it. A good upbringing, on the contrary, provides protection against such things, because it signals a gross violation of the rules of decency. But a person who every time lets uninvited guests into the house does not hear such signals, and if he does, he passes them on deaf ears, because he is very afraid to refuse. Maybe he is hinting at something, in the hope that they will understand the hints and stop behaving so impudently, but he will not have to quarrel with them. Because such a person is scared to death to quarrel. He is afraid to be left alone, unnecessary and abandoned, and therefore, when in response to the actions of insolent people, aggression rises in him, and he is ready to exclaim “enough!” this aggression is overcome by his fear. Now they will look at him in surprise, they will say contemptuously: “that’s what you are, but we didn’t know,” they will pack up and leave. And that's it! And instead of impudent, disrespectful, but still friends, this person will have an empty place in his life. Or even enemies, which is even worse. nine0003

And at work, such a person can behave in a similar way. Everyone rides it, everyone loads it with their work, everyone forgets about it when they give out bonuses, but they remember when they need to do something that no one wants to do. And he is silent. He does everything and cannot refuse. And then he complains in psychological communities about his weak boundaries, and even about his too good upbringing. The habit of attributing your problems not to weaknesses, but to some virtues, is a very harmful bug. It’s hard to come up with a more harmful bug, since at the same time it doesn’t allow you to work on your vices (it’s a virtue), it presents other people as demons hungry for virtuous blood, and promotes virtues as something very harmful to society, but society as something completely opposite to virtues. In fact, there are no virtues in this case at all, we just have a weak person, dependent, needy, trying to make people support for himself, agreeing to humiliating work, ready for humiliating relationships, just not to be left alone and only for this reason yielding to all. I don't want to stigmatize this weak man for his weakness, stigmatization won't help in this case. But as long as this weak person does not state his weakness, he will not do anything with this weakness, he will not strengthen himself in any way. So it will give in, give in, give in, and then powerlessly get angry and hate boors, fixing your external locus of control even more, and therefore increasing your weakness. nine0003

But let's also condemn boors who take advantage of people's weakness and their dependent and defenseless position. Sure, let's judge. Moreover, boors who constantly use all sorts of different loopholes to saddle other people are another category that often complains about insufficiently strong boundaries. Here, they say, they attack my borders, I have to give out kicks to the right and left. For example, an ex-wife attacks, demanding alimony in a boorish form, instead of asking. Or an old mother calls and wants attention, climbing into "private" space. Or the owner of the apartment demands to pay more or to vacate the housing in a short time. That is, there is a category of people who do not understand that they are not climbing into their territory, but they have climbed into someone else's territory, and they are trying to move them there. The very moment when the boor is located on someone else's territory, he does not notice. But when they try to drive him away, he perceives it as an act of gross aggression against him and tries to "strengthen the borders." Like that fox in the bast hut: “like an upstart, as soon as I jump out, shreds will go along the back streets.” nine0003

The worst thing is when you meet a “virtuous” person in quotation marks, that is, one who is always afraid of offending everyone (for fear of being left alone or losing some hypothetical opportunities), and a boor who does not pay attention to where he is. territory, and where it is someone else's, and considers everything that he likes to be his own. If an ordinary person interacted with a boor, then at his very first attempt to stretch out his paw, he would receive a polite refusal, he would most likely be dissatisfied, he would accuse the one who refused of rudeness, but a serious conflict would hardly have happened, because the refusal would have come immediately and polite. That is, literally “stop, listen to the word of God” (“girl, let's get to know each other”) - in response to “no, thanks”, and the person walks by. Following such a person, they can mutter something, but the one who quickly refused does not cause serious anger, because for a serious conflict, the boor must penetrate the territory and settle there. nine0003

It's another matter if an ordinary person is replaced by a person with weak boundaries. In this case, conflict is almost inevitable. Here such a girl stopped and entered into a conversation. And not because she liked the young man or the sectarian grandmother, no. The girl did not like the young man, he does not look very good, he is drunk and shaggy, but she still stopped and answered questions. Why did you stop? Yes, because she cannot understand whether she needs him or not. Maybe he's not that drunk? Maybe he's not so bad? And once it lingered and entered into a conversation, interrupt this conversation, say goodbye and leave, every minute more and more difficult. She tells herself that well-bred people don't behave like that, but in fact, it's not about education, it's about fear. She is afraid to seem unfriendly, arrogant. Maybe this guy does not look aggressive, but, on the contrary, is very pathetic, but our girl is still afraid to offend him. Whatever is behind fear, it is always fear. nine0003

And she can give him her phone and even allow her to walk home, and there this young man, who is unnecessary to her, will decide that he spent so much time on this girl, received so many signals of consent from her, that now you need to insistently demand to continue the acquaintance. The girl, who at first doubted, managed to make out the type and was sure that he was useless to her. But how to send it now? Why did he stick to her? Why don’t they stick to others, but stick to her with a stranglehold? But no, a stranglehold and they don’t immediately stick to it. The glue sets slowly. Initially, the sticking force is very small. The thing is that she doubted and thought for a very long time, and then she said to herself not “I liked him at first, but then I didn’t like him”, but “I didn’t like him from the very beginning, why did I let him stick, oh, that’s all my good upbringing. But this is not education, but fear. nine0003

It doesn't matter much what a person with weak boundaries is afraid of, losing a job, being without friends, losing some hypothetical opportunity, or gaining enemies, "weak boundaries" is always fear. If this fear is justified (there is a chance of suffering), it is not a matter of weak boundaries (even a strong person will choose life, not a wallet, and will give everything that he asks to an armed robber), but if there is no objective danger, and the person still needs something afraid, not physical, so moral, not concrete, so hypothetical, everything suggests that such a person feels defenseless. This is his real problem and this problem needs to be addressed. nine0003

How to solve the problem of defenselessness? First, realize that you are giving in out of fear. Secondly, to understand what exactly this particular fear is connected with. What happens if a cheeky friend never calls again? What happens if a colleague stops using your compliance? How much will you suffer in fact, with their most negative reaction? How much of your fear is a real danger to you, and how much is a habit of feeling defenseless? Perhaps you are not as helpless as you used to think. And if, nevertheless, yes, it is urgent to create a plan to get out of the state of helplessness and take some concrete steps. That is, the very moment that you are afraid to lose something and allow this something or someone to dictate terms to you, suggests that your situation requires attention and work on it. Not only analysis, but work, that is, specific actions that would give you a little more of your own support in this situation. At a minimum, you need alternatives (option of another job, option of other friends) in order not to become so strongly addicted. nine0003

And thirdly, you need to remember that the earlier a polite “no” was said, the less resonance. Even down-and-out boors show anger only when they are already accustomed to thinking that your territory belongs to them, when you allowed them to comfortably accommodate on it and feel like masters. The longer such an economy, the stronger the anger. If "no" sounded immediately, boors put away their flippers calmly, and if they suddenly scold you, you can be sure that this is the least they are used to rewarding all those who do not want to fulfill their whims. nine0027

Personal boundaries: what they are, how to build and defend them

It would be convenient if each person was accompanied by clear instructions - do not touch here, do not touch this topic, the following is acceptable in sex, views are moderately open, not in debt I give. It would also be amazing if this instruction changes in real time, adjusting to our new needs, periods in life, certain people, personal crises and discoveries. But such a document is not issued anywhere, so people around can only guess - by indirect signs and personal interpretations - where everyone's comfort zone ends. What is there, even the person himself is not always aware of what is good and what is bad. nine0003

What is
Why do we need
How to line up
How to protect

What are personal boundaries

Advertising on RBC www.adv.rbc.ru

Personal boundaries are invisible, but very important "fences" that separate a person, his habits, aspirations, actions and thoughts from the outside world. They are needed to protect the individual and what is valuable to her - time and energy, emotions and feelings, cultural, religious and ethical values, sexuality, personal space and even things. Too high, impenetrable boundaries can isolate from the world and lead to loneliness. The absence of borders threatens with loss of identity and stress from constant interventions from outside. nine0003

Why build personal boundaries

Strong but flexible personal boundaries help you build healthy relationships with the outside world—with your partner, family, friends, colleagues, and bosses—that keep them from becoming dangerous psychologically and sometimes physically abusive. These same boundaries carefully protect our self-esteem, help to prioritize and maintain a balance between different areas of life.

Flexibility is one of the most important qualities of personal boundaries. They can change with different people and situations, and this is perfectly normal. No one can accuse you of double standards and hypocrisy if a certain context makes communicating with someone or the situation uncomfortable for you. On the contrary, the flexibility of boundaries helps us to properly distribute energy and not waste it in vain (or internal struggle with discomfort). nine0003

Close to the heart: what is high sensitivity and how to live with it

Finally, paradoxically, it is the boundaries that help us to be vulnerable - to allow ourselves to be weak, imperfect and therefore alive. For example, you are in a crisis. Under pressure from outside - when loved ones interfere with unsolicited advice - I want to close myself from everyone, which can only aggravate the condition. On the contrary, if you are aware and vocal that you are not yet ready to discuss your condition, it will be easier for you to take the first step - to violate your own boundary and come out to have a frank conversation when you feel safe. nine0003

Frame from Sex Education

How to build personal boundaries

Our upbringing, culture, mentality and signs of the times, personality and character traits, life experience, family relationships and current life situation - everything it affects how we subconsciously form personal boundaries. In order to understand them, you can answer a few questions.

What are you entitled to?

This is a simple but important question - it helps to remember that every person has basic rights that he can exercise without a twinge of conscience. The right to say no, to refuse an offer, and not feel guilty. The right to expect to be treated with respect, to think about your desires and needs no less than about the needs of other people, the right not to live up to someone's expectations, and - very importantly - the right to make a mistake. This is the minimum by which you can define your personal boundaries. nine0003

How do you feel?

A situational question that you should periodically ask yourself in a variety of situations. How do you feel when a friend wants to discuss your personal life with you. What do you feel when you once again have to linger in the office, when someone asks a question about your life situation, touches on the topic of politics, asks to borrow money or some thing.

Obvious signs of discomfort:

dry mouth;
palpitations; nine0035
sweating;
irritation.

What do you value?

Personal boundaries can and even should be built in accordance with one's values. If you haven't already identified them, you can brainstorm, write down the top ten, and then reduce first to five, and then to three. Get a short list of basic and very important life guidelines. How often do you have to step over them? What things, people and situations in life make you live contrary to your ideals? Understanding this will help identify pain points. nine0003

A scene from Sex Education

How to Gently Defend Personal Boundaries

When you understand what exactly you will protect, you can move on to the question "how". The main thing here is not to slide into aggression and listen to yourself. Borders tend to change, and it is better to keep track of their movement in time.

1. Be assertive

There is a big difference between assertiveness and aggressiveness. The first instills respect, the second - fear and retaliatory aggression. Perseverance does not involve bargaining, half-hints and various readings, but does not lead to accusations and attacks on the other person. “Don’t you dare touch my things” sounds aggressive. “I want to know that I have a safe place where I can write down my thoughts. That's why I feel uncomfortable when you get into my diary. Please don't do it again" sounds convincing. nine0003

2. Learn to say no

Sometimes you don't have to be pushy about why something makes you feel uncomfortable. It is enough to immediately say “no” and thereby get rid of future problems. Unfortunately, from childhood we cultivate a tolerance for discomfort - we learn to do what we do not like and agree to things that we do not want. Many are under the illusion that life for the sake of others will make them popular and loved - it seems to us that in no case should we refuse, otherwise we will remain lonely and useless.

Learn more