How to give a man an ultimatum
Giving a married man an ultimatum: 16 tips
The man you’re with is married. It’s a tough situation and you have no choice but to give him an ultimatum?
Giving an ultimatum is a tricky, challenging situation, and it’s not always clear how to do it properly.
Can ultimatums even truly improve things? Can your relationship remain healthy after you give him an ultimatum?
How do you even exactly define an ultimatum? In what ways is it different from stating your expectations and setting your boundaries for the relationship?
There’s not always a clear answer, but here are 16 tips on how to best go about it.
What exactly is an ultimatum?
The word ultimatum comes from the word “ultimate”, which means something’s end. Giving an ultimatum essentially means that you are telling your partner that you will leave if he doesn’t do something you need them to do—usually by a certain deadline.
An ultimatum can take many forms in a relationship. Here are a few common examples:
- Demanding to specifically label the relationship within a few weeks or else you will see someone else.
- Stating that you’d like him to propose to you within the year or you will walk away.
- Telling him to stop talking to someone you’re uncomfortable with or else you will break up with him.
If you find yourself telling him similar things, essentially making him choose between you or something else, then you’ve been giving your partner ultimatums. But are ultimatums good or bad? Or does it depend?
Are ultimatums good or bad?
The answer to this question depends on a lot of factors. Generally speaking, however, ultimatums can be either extremely beneficial or extremely damaging for your relationship.
The risk with ultimatums is that you’re guaranteed to see an outcome, whether it’s the one you want or not. It might be just the push your guy needs.
Either way, your man will do something incredibly important, and you won’t know if it’s a mistake or not until he does it.
Think about it. Do you want your man to marry you because he truly wants to? Or because you pushed and threatened him into doing so?
16 tips on how to properly give a married man an ultimatum
1) Think deeply about the problem and potential solutions
If you’re thinking about giving an ultimatum, there’s a good chance that you’ve already tried other things. Your back is likely against the wall already.
With that said, giving an ultimatum isn’t always the right thing to do despite that situation. An ultimatum is final and you can’t retract it.
An ultimatum should be your absolute last resort. Try thinking of other ways to communicate with him about the issue and solve the problem first.
2) Reflect on your own emotions
If you find yourself giving an ultimatum because of an intense emotional outburst, this is a big red flag.
Understandably, you’re likely incredibly frustrated about the issue at hand, but giving an ultimatum will most likely make things worse.
Be sure to always communicate with him about the issue once you’ve contained your own emotions. This way, you can talk about the problem logically and potentially arrive at a better solution.
3) Get some knowledge
When you’re dealing with a sensitive topic like giving an ultimatum to a married man it’s easy to become frustrated and even feel helpless. You may even be tempted to throw in the towel and give up on love.
I want to suggest doing something different.
It’s something I learned from the world-renowned shaman Rudá Iandê. He taught me that the way to find love and intimacy is not what we have been culturally conditioned to believe.
As Rudá explains in this mind blowing free video, many of us chase love in a toxic way because we’re not taught how to love ourselves first.
So, if you want to solve your situation with having to give a married man an ultimatum, I’d recommend starting with yourself first and taking Rudá’s incredible advice.
Here’s a link to the free video once again.
4) Warn him clearly but kindly first
It’s rarely a good idea to give him an ultimatum. But it is always a good idea to reassert your boundaries and limits.
Always tell them if they’re broaching your boundaries. Do it kindly, clearly, but also seriously.
Any good partner will be understanding and it will usually not lead to a situation where you don’t need to give him an ultimatum.
5) Pick the right time and place
If you’re absolutely sure that you need to give your man an ultimatum, you need to pick the right time and place to talk to him about it.
Bringing it up inappropriately or out of the blue will definitely make things worse. Plan the time and location in advance.
It should be a place where both of you feel comfortable and where you are afforded the privacy you need for a serious conversation.
6) Set a clear deadline
If you don’t set a deadline for him to change, your ultimatum will feel like an empty threat. He just might continue on with his usual behavior indefinitely.
Giving him a time frame will push him even more and give him a sense of urgency. Give an appropriate deadline for the change you want.
Demanding that he stop talking to that girl within the week is reasonable. Demanding him to propose to you within the week might be too much.
7) Write down your demands before you talk to him
If you’re giving him an ultimatum, you’re probably in for a long conversation about it.
You likely want to tell him a lot of things, but in the heat of the moment, it’ll be difficult to remember everything and even harder to express them in a good way.
Devote some time to note down your main talking points before the big talk. You can even bring it with you when you see him.
8) Make sure he respects your feelings
If you’re giving him an ultimatum, he will likely be defensive. He might try to shift the conversation, convince you that you’re being unreasonable, or even gaslight you.
He will invalidate your feelings and try to prevent you from stating your demands firmly. Don’t let him do this and call him out if he does.
He is disrespecting you if he does this and you need to stand your ground.
9) Resist his sweet-talking
If he doesn’t try to downplay your feelings, he may instead try to sweet-talk you out of your concerns and worries. He wants to temporarily make you forget about them as you get smitten by his affection.
Once again, make sure to call him out and tell him you know what he’s doing.
It’s just as disrespectful and delays your much-needed expression of frustration with how things are currently in the relationship.
10) Focus on talking about yourself, instead of him
When communicating your needs and boundaries, focus on how you feel instead of trying to blame the other party. You can do this by using “I” statements in place of “you” statements.
For instance, say something like, “I feel like I need to be the only one in your life and I can’t take having to share you with another woman anymore. I know it’s been like this for a while but I’ve realized it’s not working for me and I’d like to have this situation resolved. It makes me really uncomfortable and I can’t keep on being in a relationship like this anymore.”
That will likely go down much easier than saying, “I want you to leave your wife. Why you haven’t done it yet? Why are you so weak and indecisive?”.
The first statement shows emotional maturity and tries to seek resolution. The second one is highly confrontational and will likely lead to an argument.
11) Frame it as a choice instead of a threat
The key to giving an ultimatum and avoiding its numerous pitfalls is to frame it as if you’re giving him a choice instead of telling him what he should do. This way, you’re still being respectful of his agency.
Make it a “this or that” proposition and he has to choose between the two. You’re not threatening him per se, but making it clear that he has to choose.
It might be counterproductive if you threaten him and pressure him into the choice you want him to make. This is because he might feel defensive and walk away from the problem instead of directly facing it.
If you want to know if you can have a future together, then you might be interested in the video below. it goes through the signs that he won’t leave his wife for you.
12) Be prepared for his rejection
Before you state your boundary (or your ultimatum, essentially), you need to accept that he has the right to his own boundaries and decisions. This means that he can also reject your offer and not accept your demand.
It will of course be painful if he does, but that is the reality of your situation if you’re already issuing an ultimatum. You need to prepare yourself for it mentally and emotionally.
13) Choose for him
This might be contradictory to our last two points, but this might work, especially if your man is being incredibly indecisive. But it can also be effective if your man isn’t known for his decision-making skills.
If he can’t bring himself to choose, then just choose for him. If you’re really past your limit because of his actions, then simply tell him and walk away already.
Tell him that you deserve better and you can’t take being constantly in pain and stressed out from the problems of your relationship.
14) Give each other some space to think after the talk
After you give him the ultimatum, you’ll likely want to know his decision right away. But you definitely wouldn’t want an answer that he didn’t think deeply about. Remember this is essentially a make-or-break moment for your relationship.
You may want to tell him that you two should not talk to each other for a few days. This will afford you some temporary peace of mind and him some much-needed space to truly decide on such an important choice.
Remember that both of you should want him to truly mean his answer and not just tell you what you want despite feeling the other way.
15) Realistically assess the odds
Giving an ultimatum is an emotionally intense and complex situation. The chances of it working are impossible to precisely predict as there are a lot of factors involved in each situation.
Still, try to think of how your man truly is and put yourself in their shoes. It might give you an idea if he will accept or not. Assessing this might give you some insight as to how to give him the ultimatum for the best chance of success.
If he is a respectful, receptive, and open-minded person, then you have reason to hope. But if he has been stubborn about the issue ever since, then you might need to steel yourself for the end of the relationship.
16) Remember that you can find love elsewhere
Giving an ultimatum means putting the relationship on the line. He can and just might reject your demand. If this does happen and he no longer wants to commit to you, it’s crucial to start moving on.
Remember that there are billions of other men in the world. There will at least be one out there who will be worthy of loving you and being loved by you completely.
Other alternatives to an ultimatum
Ultimatums should be your last resort to fixing the relationship. There are a lot of other alternatives that you should definitely consider first.
Have an open and honest communication
Having clear and honest communication throughout the relationship is crucial in working through the issues of your relationship.
In fact, doing so will most likely prevent you from arriving at a situation where you’d even consider giving an ultimatum in the first place.
Trust and vulnerability are at the heart of any relationship. Your partner, if they truly love and respect you, should always listen and prioritize your needs and feelings whenever you state them. They should work with you to keep the relationship healthy in all aspects.
Be open and never hide anything from your partner. They can’t be a good partner to you if they don’t know how you feel. Doing so will also make them feel like it’s okay to open up to you too.
Trigger his inner hero
Sometimes an ultimatum isn’t the best option to solve the problem you face. There is a method that can be much more helpful.
You see, for guys, it’s all about triggering their inner hero.
I learned about this from the hero instinct. Coined by relationship expert James Bauer, this fascinating concept is about what really drives men in relationships, which is ingrained in their DNA.
And it’s something most women don’t know anything about.
Once triggered, these drivers make men into the heroes of their own lives. They feel better, love harder, and commit stronger when they find someone who knows how to trigger it.
Now, you may be wondering why it’s called “the hero instinct”? Do guys really need to feel like superheroes to commit to a woman?
Not at all. Forget about Marvel. You won’t need to play the damsel in distress or buy your man a cape.
The easiest thing to do is to check out James Bauer’s excellent free video here. He shares some easy tips to get you started, such as sending him a 12 word text that will trigger his hero instinct right away.
Because that’s the beauty of the hero instinct.
It’s only a matter of knowing the right things to say to make him realize that he wants you and only you.
Click here to watch the free video.
Reinforce your boundaries
Another way to avoid giving ultimatums is to set your boundaries in the relationship—and do it early.
If you let your partner immediately know what your limits are, and what you need to feel secure and happy in the relationship, then it minimizes the chances of him breaching these boundaries in the first place.
If he truly respects you, he will not violate these boundaries of yours and you likely won’t even need to give an ultimatum later on in the relationship.
Do this from an early stage in the relationship and cultivate a healthier bond between you too. This will help avoid creating problems in the first place, so you don’t have to stress about solving them later down the line.
If you’re reading this article, you probably feel that giving an ultimatum is the only possible way to solve your problem with your man. However, giving one is still extremely risky and it just might be the nail in the coffin for you and your partner.
There are other ways to fix the relationship, mainly by clearly and respectfully communicating your needs, desires, and boundaries.
If you really need to give an ultimatum, however, make sure to keep the conversation mature, respectful, and honest. You can hope for the best, but it’s likely smarter to also expect the worst.
Can a relationship coach help you too?
If you want specific advice on your situation, it can be very helpful to speak to a relationship coach.
I know this from personal experience…
A few months ago, I reached out to Relationship Hero when I was going through a tough patch in my relationship. After being lost in my thoughts for so long, they gave me a unique insight into the dynamics of my relationship and how to get it back on track.
If you haven’t heard of Relationship Hero before, it’s a site where highly trained relationship coaches help people through complicated and difficult love situations.
In just a few minutes you can connect with a certified relationship coach and get tailor-made advice for your situation.
I was blown away by how kind, empathetic, and genuinely helpful my coach was.
Click here to get $50 off your first session (exclusive offer for Hack Spirit readers).
7 Ultimatums That Are Actually Healthy In Relationships, According to Experts
by Lauren Dana
BDG Media, Inc.
Ultimatums get a bad rap more often than not, especially in the context of relationships. They're considered unfair, unhealthy, and unjust. However, that's not always the case. In fact, sometimes, ultimatums, in some cases, can lead to healthy relationships.
For example, they can be crucial to setting necessary boundaries with your partner and ensuring your relationship is comfortable for both people. Some individuals find ultimatums to be confidence-boosting — by owning your confidence and respectfully communicating your needs and values to your partner, you're laying everything out on the table for them. If they choose to work with you on improving a certain issue or behavior, then the relationship can move forward.
However, it's important to recognize what is a fair and unfair ultimatum to give to your partner, and utilize that information before making any decisions.
According to relationship strategist Anna Gonowon, "The differences between healthy and unhealthy ultimatums are in when they’re given." For example, a positive ultimatum is given during a calm moment where both of you are listening to each other's feelings and being respectful. A healthy ultimatum can also be based on what the actual intent of the conversation is: Are you threatening your partner? Or is the ultimatum given after multiple chances and conversations about the issue?
Here are seven ultimatums that can actually improve your relationship, according to experts.
"I Need Time To Get Ready"
Andrew Zaeh for Bustle
Even something as small as ensuring your partner understands your needs while getting ready to go out can cause a lot less strain on your relationship. Gonowon says she does this with her partner — because she needs 30-50 minutes to get ready, she asked her partner to start giving her more notice before going out. If her partner continues to limit the amount of time she has, she lets her partner know that they can go out without her. While not everyone will share the same priorities, it's key to respect what is important to your partner, and vie versa.
"I Will Choose To Do Something Else If You Stay On Your Phone"
Andrew Zaeh for Bustle
Let's say your partner is glued to their phone at all times, and refuses to put it away, even when you are trying get their attention regarding something important. It's necessary to get the message across to them that their behavior is not OK with you, and that having their undivided attention at certain times is important to you. "Ultimatums can be about setting boundaries," counselor Jordan Pickell tells Bustle. "It’s about knowing what you want and deserve ... [and] communicating what you will absolutely not accept."
"That Makes Me Uncomfortable, Please Do Not Say That Again"
Andrew Zaeh for Bustle
Instead of formulating your ultimatum as a threat to your partner, get to the route of the problem: What is bothering you, and why? How does it make you feel? "It's healthier to start with how you feel so the person knows the pain you are in," psychiatrist Laura Dabney tells Bustle. Setting boundaries can be a vulnerable conversation, since it's all about telling the other person how you feel and what it is they do that upsets you. "I give my patients the X / Y template, such as 'I get hurt when you tease me about my spelling so could you please not do that,'" Dr. Dabney says.
"When You Message Your Ex, It Makes Me Feel Hurt"
Andrew Zaeh for Bustle
There's always "gray areas" in relationships, and when things aren't clearly stated, it can be difficult to tell or to know if you are upsetting your partner with your words or actions. "Sometimes we test each other's boundaries so ultimatums reinforce them so that they are clear and understood by both parties," Lauryn Huang, CEO of Singapore-based dating agency Grouvly, tells Bustle. "It's important to remind ourselves that people don't hurt us on purpose even when they are breaking our boundaries."
When it comes to confronting your partner about contacting their ex, for example, Huang suggests saying, "I am not OK with you flirting or calling your ex. I feel that we've talked about this many times. When you flirt/call your ex, it makes me feel unvalued." From there, if your partner does not see your side, it's up to you to decide if this is a dealbreaker. By explaining to your partner how their actions make you feel, you can address the situation from a place of genuine concern, as opposed to anger and resentment.
"We Don't Always Need To Watch TV Together If We Want To Watch Different Things"
Remember, when you're giving an ultimatum for your partner, you can't control how they will react and if anything will change. Instead, remind yourself that this ultimatum is for you — knowing your worth, how you should be treated, and what you deserve out of a relationship. "Think of an ultimatum as self-care, not trying not control another person. You are issuing one because it’s the only way you believe that you can take care of yourself," licensed psychotherapist Karen Koenig tells Bustle. According to Koenig, an example of a self-care ultimatum could be something as simple as coming to a compromise on your screen time. While it may seem unimportant to some, letting your partner know that you need to reach a compromise helps you stand up for your own boundaries that they may be crossing.
"Either We Are Exclusive, Or I Have to Think About If I Want to Continue This"
Above all, the conversation should be about you and your partner coming up with a solution to improve your relationship, or defining the level of commitment you're both willing to make. "If your partner won't make the kind of commitment you want, you may be ready to move on," Dr. Edelman says. By clearly and calmly explaining to your partner that you want to be exclusive, you are laying your expectations out. While this ultimatum may be a tough one, it is a proactive way to stand up for what you want.
"We Need To Be Able To Save Money"
Finances and money is a tricky subject to address, albeit an important one, which is why it's so vital to ensure you're addressing any financial concerns or issues in a calm way. "The way you do it is key. If you come off as loving, but extremely concerned about your problem, you may have a better outcome," Dr. Susan Edelman tells Bustle. By being upfront about your financial expectations — especially if you share bank accounts — you are starting a conversation about ground rules that will work for the both of you.
So next time you're having any kind of second thoughts or doubts about your partner, it may be helpful to have a heart-to-heart conversation, express your feelings, and give them a fair choice on what they can do to salvage the relationship.
How to give an ultimatum
Despite the possible sad consequences, the ultimatum is one of the favorite means of getting what you want.
“If you don’t stop hanging out with friends, I will file for divorce”, “Until you buy a fur coat, you can forget about sex”, “If you leave me, I will commit suicide”, “If you don’t stop drinking, I will leave you ”, “If you don’t take out the trash, I’ll stop cooking” ... With the help of cute everyday blackmail, many people quite successfully solve their family problems.
But what long-term consequences an ultimatum has and how it affects relationships, few people think.
Who is the boss in the house?
Marina and Zhenya have been dating for half a year. One day, Zhenya was going to a friend's birthday party at a nightclub. Marina was angry that he was going without her, and stated that if he went, then their relationship was over.
When the beloved called the next day, the girl said that they were breaking up. Zhenya did not apologize and agreed with her. After a few days of separation, Marina could not stand it and called Zhenya.
Now he set conditions for his return, and although the girl did not like them at all, she was forced to agree, because she did not want to lose her beloved at all.
If you give an ultimatum, be aware that it may not be understood in the way you intended. If your plans do not include a break in relations, you should not express your requests in the form of an ultimatum.
Another unfortunate consequence may be that if everything goes wrong and you decide to abandon your ultimatum, your partner stops taking your words seriously and starts dictating his own conditions for reconciliation, which can change the existing situation for the worse .
Be especially careful with sexual manipulation (“Until you buy a necklace, there will be no sex”, etc.). After all, the husband can answer that he gets sex without any conditions with his mistress.
Lena has long been tired of the fact that her husband meets his friends at the bar every Friday and comes home in the morning. Then she set a condition for her beloved: “If you don’t stop going to the bar, I will stop cooking and cleaning the apartment.” “Well, if you stop cooking and cleaning, I will eat in restaurants,” the husband replied and carried out his threat.
Now he came home late every day, not just on Friday. Then Lena threatened her disobedient husband that if the rebellion did not stop, she would go to live with her mother.
The husband turned out to be a tough nut to crack and gladly agreed to his wife's proposal. Now they live separately, and pride does not allow Lena to return to her husband.
For every action there is a reaction. Remember that the answer to your ultimatum may be another ultimatum, and this, in turn, can destroy the relationship.
Tonya didn't like that her husband smoked. He smoked everywhere and a lot. Once Tonya announced: "Either you quit smoking, or you will sleep in another room. " The husband was not ready for such changes, so he began to fight the bad habit.
Tonya was delighted with such complaisance and decided to continue the educational process. Now the ultimatum has become an everyday lever for managing her husband. Just a little, Tonya put ultimatums, not bothering to clarify the situation and conduct a dialogue.
The girl could not get enough of her obedient husband, and therefore was shocked by the news that he had another woman. “You see, with her I feel like a real strong man, and with you I feel like a complete nonentity, as if they drove over me with a skating rink.”
When an ultimatum becomes a common form of relationship, you stop communicating and understanding each other. Tyranny is established in your family. Since an ultimatum is a typical manipulation, it turns out that the one who manipulates considers himself superior to the other person. The other side feels weak and dependent.
Everyone knows how their subjects treat tyrants: they want to get out of their oppression as soon as possible. Ways can be different: from revolution and open resistance to a quiet withdrawal to places where there is a more humane form of government.
The oppressed can also find the desired relaxation in casinos, alcohol and other ways of escaping from reality.
Anya had been living with Pasha for five years, but he had no intention of marrying her. Anya was angry and constantly threatened to leave Pasha. Their relationship got worse and worse, they fought all the time.
One day Anya broke down and said: “If you are not going to formalize our relationship, I will leave you!” To which Pasha replied: “I am very glad that you suggested this. I've been wanting to leave you for a long time."
The accumulated problems cannot be solved with an ultimatum. If the relationship has cracked, the partner can only be happy with such a formulation of the question, because he himself was afraid to take the first step.
What is an ultimatum?
People are constantly probing the boundaries of what is permitted in relation to their partners. They can do this mutually, which can lead either to a clear definition of the boundaries of interaction, or to confrontation and a break in relations. It all depends on how this "probing" is carried out.
If your favorite method of influencing your partner is an ultimatum, there are reasons for that. Here they are:
Thirst for power. If you are risking relationships for the sake of, in principle, not very important things, then most likely your only goal is to gain power over your loved one. It is important for you to know that he "obeys" you, that you are in control of the situation.
You were brought up in a family where all issues were resolved with the help of emotional blackmail, and therefore you are used to this particular form of getting what you want.
You are unable to adequately express your negative feelings. You tend to keep emotions in yourself for a long time, and then suddenly give out a short summary in the form of an ultimatum.
This happens because you are afraid of conflicts and endure the situation until it finally "gets" you. As a result, it turns out that you have a lot of problems that you are trying to solve in one fell swoop.
Unfortunately, if you have not learned to discuss with your partner what worries you, what you want, no ultimatum will help. It turns out that you have not established trust and are trying to act through emotional blackmail, which in this case will most likely lead to a final break.
When you need an ultimatum
Sometimes there comes a point in a relationship when you need to give an ultimatum or leave. But only when all means are exhausted.
An ultimatum helps in the following cases:
When you know exactly what you want, why you want it, and this is vital for you. For example, if you have been living with your partner for a long time and really want to start a family, but he is in no hurry to propose.
Or you dream of children, and he says that he does not need it. Or you find out that your husband has a mistress, and he cannot make a choice between you.
In all cases, the choice may not be in your favor, but will give you the opportunity to get out of uncertainty and start building a new life.
When it comes to alcohol and drugs. Normal love relationships are possible only when a person recovers and frees himself from his harmful addiction.
As long as he is not free, he will not be able to give you what you need. Only an ultimatum can give him the opportunity to think.
Of course, in all cases there is a danger that you will not be called back, but if what you are asking for is really important to you, you will save your time by cutting off contact with a person who does not suit you or makes your life unbearable.
In all cases when things that are important to you and that determine the quality of your life are being decided, leaving a hopeless partner may be the only possible option for several reasons: .
Telling a man about the breakup gives you the freedom you need to find a new partner.
If he doesn't change his mind, you will leave useless expectations in time and start building a new life according to your values.
How to deliver an ultimatum correctly
1. The ultimatum must be clear and clearly formulated.
2. The partner must clearly know why you are leaving, what you want, under what conditions you will return again.
3. Set specific deadlines for making a decision.
4. If the chosen one continues to think over your words, then carry out your threat.
5. Do not return until the request is met.
6. If you left a man, after which he agreed to fulfill your requirements, and you returned to him, be sure to achieve the fulfillment of the promise. Don't let him think that he's got you back and can go back to his old commitment-free life.
Interested in stories when an ultimatum is given to lovers. I heard stories and even saw one woman who told her lover after a year of relationship, they say I love you, but I don’t want to be a lover anymore - or, or. the man left the family leaving two children there. What is the secret of this ultimatum?
Find out the opinion of an expert on your topic
Kuzmin Ivan Ivanovich
Psychotherapist, Supervisor. Specialist from b17.ru
Antakova Lyubov Nikolaevna
Psychologist, Consultant. Specialist from the site b17.ru
Psychologist, Art therapist. Specialist from the site b17.ru
Yulia Germanovna Baranova
Psychologist, Consultant. Specialist from the site b17.ru
Tropina Natalya Vladimirovna
Psychotherapist. Specialist from b17.ru
Psychologist. Specialist from the site b17.ru
Psychologist, Gestalt therapist. Specialist from the site b17.ru
Psychologist, Consultant. Specialist from the site b17. ru
Spiridonova Nadezhda Viktorovna
Psychologist. Specialist from the site b17.ru
Zubkova Anna Andreevna
Psychologist, Gestalt therapist. Specialist from b17.ru
this woman is probably an actress and you saw her in a stupid Russian movie, right? Because in real life, a man who has a house full of water, who has known the woman with whom he lives for more than one year, will never leave for the sake of a dubious hole
I know people who were given an ultimatum, but I don’t know who he would push to do something.
My ex-wife towards me (many years have passed), when we lived with her for only 11 months, the ultimatum worked! She invited me to the registry office and when I arrived, she showed me an already completed application for our divorce, telling me at the same time: "Either you agree to my terms of our life together or sign an application for our divorce!" Without hesitation, I signed the already filled out by her (and filled out for myself and for me!) Application for divorce. Moreover, we did not have children. It turned out that this was the best gift for me from my already ex-wife. I have been married for a long time, my wife and I have two children. My ex and I are already over 40, but she, as our mutual friends recently told me, was left alone - no family, no children. So, ladies, be careful with ultimatums to men, please, everything can go completely different from what you expect.
if your man is a slave, the ultimatum will work. But I personally get bored with slaves.
My lover gave me an ultimatum: Either we start living together or end the relationship. You see, he still really wants to gasp my brain in his spare time from having sex. My brain is frigid, I don't get pleasure from sex. I had to do it by hand.
I know people who were given an ultimatum, but I don't know who he would push to do something.
The author is not so easy to intimidate a person. Well, what are you threatening with what?
you have nothing that another will not give him. There are no irreplaceable ones.
yeah, there are not yet replaced
yes it happens in different ways. My brother went to his mistress like that. She told him about this and said, choose, wife or me, tired of being a litter. Well, the brother first tried to live with his wife, sort of like children, debt, etc., he was enough for a month. Then he confessed to his wife, collected the little things and went to his mistress. Nothing, they seem to live well, for more than 5 years, they have a child. The relationship with the former is disgusting (which is expected), in the first marriage there were two children, with children more or less, he pays alimony, he left the apartment for them, the former is still not happy, especially with his brother, as specially with his new wife, his career went uphill, to earn money became very good and the standard of living has risen significantly, so the former is angry, why they say they took her to Turkey, and the new wife to the Maldives. and the apartment is better, and the car is bigger :)))) is always trying to get money (although they pay a lot of alimony to her) and yelling that she is being deceived and everyone (including our parents) owes her for some reason. Even me. We (my parents and I) don’t interfere much in my brother’s affairs, the path lives as it wants. At least once again he gets divorced - the brother has money to support all the children from all the wives, he will feed them.
Worked for me. Three joint children.
Works, more often than not. The main thing is to understand that you put everything at stake. Here or pan or gone. But it is more often global. I don't go for trifles
I also had a situation - either there or here. I just love clarity)
Chose me, married 8 years, happy.
Only I was very profitable)
It always worked for me
Yes, it happens differently. My brother went to his mistress like that. She told him about this and said, choose, wife or me, tired of being a litter. Well, the brother first tried to live with his wife, sort of like children, debt, etc., he was enough for a month. Then he confessed to his wife, collected the little things and went to his mistress. Nothing, they seem to live well, for more than 5 years, they have a child. The relationship with the former is disgusting (which is expected), in the first marriage there were two children, with children more or less, he pays alimony, he left the apartment for them, the former is still not happy, especially with his brother, as specially with his new wife, his career went uphill, to earn money became very good and the standard of living has risen significantly, so the former is angry, why they say they took her to Turkey, and the new wife to the Maldives. and the apartment is better, and the car is bigger :)))) is always trying to get money (although they pay a lot of alimony to her) and yelling that she is being deceived and everyone (including our parents) owes her for some reason. Even me. We (my parents and I) don’t interfere much in my brother’s affairs, the path lives as it wants. At least once again he gets divorced - the brother has money to support all the children from all the wives, he will feed them.
Men don't like ultimatums. They want to make their own decisions. If he is not with you, then he made a decision not in your favor. And he's just using you. But I know a case when a married lover invited a woman to live together and decided to divorce his wife. The second marriage, which celebrated 11 years with his mistress this year. In general, make nervous, humiliated, giving ultimatums. If a man just uses you, then no ultimatums will help. And they'll just be ridiculous. I have met many lovers in my life. 99% men used women. Only here is 1 case straight love
It makes sense to put an ultimatum only if you are not bluffing and are really ready to break off relations - because you think that as it is, it cannot continue further.
Only in this case, the ultimatum plays a plus for you - you put the question point-blank and either get what you want, or leave without regrets and don't waste your time on relationships you don't need. In both cases, you are in the black.
The problem arises when a woman gives an ultimatum, although she is not really ready to leave - that is, she simply manipulates a man, and is not really brought to the handle. These fake ultimatums almost never work.
It makes sense to issue an ultimatum only if you are not bluffing and are really ready to break off relations - because you think that it cannot continue as it is. Only in this case, the ultimatum plays a plus for you - you raise a question edge and either get what you want, or leave without regrets and don’t waste your time on relationships you don’t need. In both cases, you are in the black. The problem arises when a woman gives an ultimatum, although she is not really ready to leave - that is, she simply manipulates a man, and is not really brought to the handle. These fake ultimatums almost never work.
this woman is probably an actress and you saw her in a stupid Russian movie, right? Because in real life, a man who has a house full of water, who has known for years the woman with whom he lives, will never leave for the sake of a dubious hole
My lover gave me an ultimatum: Either we start living together or end the relationship. You see, he still really wants to gasp my brain in his spare time from having sex. My brain is frigid, I don't get pleasure from sex. I had to do it by hand.
I didn't give my husband an ultimatum. But I put it on myself. Like, I'll do this and that if you don't stop playing tricks. At least I thought about it.
I don’t have a married lover, but a martyr with whom we lived for a year, you can say an ultimatum, either I’m a wife, or goodbye, and you won’t bend this person and press FIG, well, there’s a lot of things, the result is a family, children and both of us happy.
In general, it’s stupid to give an ultimatum to your husband, you need to either endure or decide on your own if you don’t succeed in changing something, are you ready for his set-up, care, lack of alimony, emotions and *****? If yes, then you can download the rights.
Everything depends on the alignment of forces. If something does not suit me, then I always say either this or nothing, in 100% every man agreed to my terms when crawling, even if he was initially psyched. Actually, they are freaking out because they understand that there is no choice, they will not work with me as he hoped.
Once, one boyfriend decided not only to give me an ultimatum, but also to punish me, because I did not agree to live with him😂. He never saw or heard from me again.
Oh, what women went, they still give ultimatums.
never gave anyone an ultimatum. there was no need and it's stupid. guys gave me ultimatums, none of them worked.
Moderator, please note that the text contains:
The complaint has been sent to the moderator
The page will close automatically
in 5 seconds
The user of the Woman.ru website understands and accepts that he is fully responsible for all materials partially or completely published by him using the Woman.ru service.
The user of the Woman.ru site guarantees that the placement of the materials submitted by him does not violate the rights of third parties (including, but not limited to copyright), does not damage their honor and dignity.
The user of the Woman.ru site, by sending materials, is thereby interested in their publication on the site and expresses his consent to their further use by the editors of the Woman.ru site.
The use and reprint of printed materials from the site woman.ru is possible only with an active link to the resource.
The use of photo materials is allowed only with the written consent of the site administration.
The placement of intellectual property objects (photos, videos, literary works, trademarks, etc.)
on woman.ru is allowed only to persons who have all the necessary rights for such placement.
Copyright (c) 2016-2019 LLC "Hurst Shkulev Publishing"
Online publication "WOMAN.RU" (Zhenshchina.RU)
Mass media registration certificate EL No. FS77-65950, issued by the Federal Service for Supervision of Communications,
Information Technologies and Mass Communications (Roskomnadzor) on June 10, 2016. 16+
Founder: Hirst Shkulev Publishing Limited Liability Company
Issuing an ultimatum to someone in your life is a life-changing strategy, whether given to a spouse, lover, child, parent, boss, colleague, client, or someone else. or else with whom you interact. By the time you have reached this stage, it is possible that you have already gone through a lot of pain and problems as a result of the behavior, actions or comments of this person and therefore there is probably a lot of emotion attached to the ultimatum. However, you still need to think clearly and rationally to make sure that this is the only option available to you and more importantly, that this is what you really mean.
Ultimately, you must be prepared to go all the way or go all the way after the ultimatum because it is . all!
Make a sober assessment of your chances of success. The chances that an ultimatum will work depend on a number of factors, such as the personality of the person you are giving the ultimatum to and your own feelings or coping strategies. If this is an open person, willing to listen and learn from an objective discussion of their actions, the ultimatum is more likely to work than those who are high all the time and are unable to take a sober moment to deal with self-pity and their unhappiness.
Ultimatum rarely works with those whose ability to cope with life is impaired by depression, drug or alcohol abuse, or other negative problem solving. In this case, facilitating professional help is more important to them than asking them to change; as long as they can't think straight, ultimatums can push them into the abyss. Cases where an ultimatum might work:
- Someone you've been dating for ages but seems unable to commit. If you're sure they love you despite your cowardice, a little push backed by an ultimatum can help. On the other hand, if you know deep down that this person isn't really committed to you, then an ultimatum probably won't work.
- An ultimatum can be given by someone you care about and who you know cares about you, but they don't spend much time on you or are too distracted instead of focusing on you because of work or other commitments; with the help of an ultimatum, they can understand the consequences of alienation.
- Someone in your life needs to make a decision, after which you can make some changes, such as where you live or work. However, be very careful not to use their indecisiveness or inability to make changes as an excuse not to look for alternative and more constructive ways to change things for a better life.
Ultimatum to a man - Blondycandy Blog
Home / Relationships • Psychology / Ultimatum to a man
by blondycandy / Relationships, Psychology / 03 Dec 2015
A man is like a dog
A hundred years ago, in a beauty salon, I read in Cosmopolitan that a man is like a dog - he needs to develop an unconditioned reflex - vacuumed - give a pie, stroke, reward with sex. I didn’t wash the dishes (I forgot about the anniversary) - take away the pie, don’t iron it, refuse the body. More or less like this. The simplest manipulations, but many use them and nothing, they live.
An ultimatum to a man
Whether it's good or bad, many women master this scheme of communication with men and don't think of another. I want to talk about an ultimatum to a man. In a relationship, we put a lot of ultimatums (“if you don’t ..., then I ...”), which can be perceived in any way - from a game to a threat. In principle, an ultimatum as some kind of time frame for making a decision can be appropriate in normal relations - in fact, you outline your boundaries and designate your space, make demands and there is nothing wrong with that - I am against putting the stamp “manipulation” on everything and run from it like fire.
An ultimatum to a man
And I want to talk because one of my acquaintances recently faced an ultimatum. The history of relationships with a woman is quite long. A few years ago, they lived together for almost a year, but the woman left him, and quite harshly at that - she just packed her things and left without saying goodbye. The man took it as a betrayal and I agree with this assessment. But the years passed, and feelings for the woman remained, although he could not restore trust. And now the woman appeared on the horizon again and began to come - either for the weekend, or on vacation ... Again, we started talking about living together and getting married, that is, they returned to the situation that was before the last break. Both people are adults, each has several children. The woman has all the children grown up, and the man has two children living with him (in America this is a normal situation).
Either way or no way
And so they agreed that she would finally move to him in August. But then she says that she has “circumstances” - she quarreled with a friend with whom she rented an apartment, something else and she wants to move before January 1. That is, literally on the eve of Thanksgiving, he gives him an ultimatum: either I move before January 1st, or never.
What difference does it make if she calls on January 1 or August? A person who is presented with an ultimatum in the form of a threat “if you do not agree to my conditions, then you will not see me again and you are to blame for breaking my life”, may be frightened (this is intended) and agree, or may refuse , especially since he has more serious reasons than problems with renting an apartment. The scene ended badly - with a female hysteria, a computer and a printer flew from the balcony, things from the closet (and everything happens in his house). The man feels humiliated in front of the children - both sons were at home and no one wants the children to be so traumatized and scared, right? After that, she got into the car, did not stay for Thanksgiving and drove away. The man remained spat on and now the wound is quite deep.
And what advice can I give? Probably, if you want to present an ultimatum to a man, you must at least calmly express your conditions, explain the reasons. I'm not talking about the fact that you need to think about how you will look if you start yelling and throwing a tantrum. Anyone will think that she does this before the wedding, but what will happen then? Then just throw garbage on your head? If you see that your conditions for the opposite side are not acceptable, and the explanations are reasonable, then you need to at least think about why this happens. Relationships should always be equal and respect is their prerequisite (6 Signs that love is gone).
Over the years, I have learned that it is very important how you deal with a scandal. Yes, sometimes people swear, even yell at each other - but it is important how you put up. A scandal, like a quarrel, is a way to agree (well, or completely spit). If you feel humiliated, morally raped after a scandal, it means you don't know how to swear))
These are my thoughts. What would you advise this man? Have you given yourself ultimatums? Do you know stories about it? I myself know successful options for ultimatums to a man, but they were all expressed correctly and on the basis of mutual love and respect.