Serial monogamy examples

Are You a Serial Monogamist?

Most of us may know someone who could be classified as a “serial monogamist,’’ or a person who always seems to be in a relationship.

Serial monogamy is quite common. It’s typical for people to go through phases of “perpetual dating” from time to time. Many dislike being single and enter new relationships shortly after their previous relationship has ended.

Although not always a bad thing, serial monogamy can sometimes be a sign of a deeper underlying issue, such as:

fear of abandonment
low self-esteem
codependent tendencies

A pattern of serial monogamy can become unhealthy if you’re:

prone to toxic relationships
not giving yourself enough time to grieve a breakup

a person who enjoys solitude and being single

But if you think you might be slipping into unhealthy habits and tendencies caused by serial monogamy, it’s possible to work through underlying issues and break the cycle.

A serial monogamist is a person who moves from one romantic relationship to another very quickly, spending as little time single as possible.

Some serial monogamists might have short-lived relationships, while others might have long-term relationships. The determining factor is that you’re seldom single.

Because it’s a colloquial term, the definition is a little flexible. There’s currently no official consensus on how many relationships you need to go through before you’re considered a serial monogamist.

Faithfulness vs. cheating

As the term “monogamist” suggests, serial monogamists are generally faithful to their partners. But the term is also sometimes applied to people who cheat on their partners while relationship-jumping, too.

Is it bad to be a serial monogamist?

It’s not always a bad thing to be a serial monogamist. But sometimes, this pattern can be a sign of psychological or emotional difficulty.

A deeper issue might be at play if you find single life upsetting or overly difficult or feel the impulse to leave and start new relationships quickly.

Serial monogamy may look different from person to person. For example, some serial monogamists might have long-lasting relationships but struggle to stay single. Others might date someone for only a few weeks or months at a time, frequently dating new people.

Potential signs of serial monogamy can include:

struggling to stay single
difficulties with self-esteem, boredom, or loneliness when single
inability to leave a relationship without a new potential partner lined up
feeling easily bored or restless in relationships
looking for a new relationship as soon as your current one ends (or just before a breakup)
relationships quickly becoming very serious or intense

While preferring to be in a relationship or dating a lot might not always be wrong, many factors can lead someone to become a serial monogamist.

Fear of commitment

Not every serial monogamist is necessarily afraid of commitment. Some may thrive in relationships because of commitment and faithfulness.

Some serial monogamists who have difficulties with commitment might exit relationships quickly once they become too serious, entering new ones to avoid being alone.

Trauma

Trauma, including childhood trauma, can lead to several relationship difficulties in adulthood.

Sometimes, unresolved trauma can manifest as challenges in handling conflict or communicating with a partner. This may cause a person to adopt patterns of serial monogamy.

Low self-worth

Some people might struggle to feel worthy unless they’re in a relationship. People with low self-worth may believe that their single status is a sign of their inadequacy, and the attention of a partner might help them feel more worthy.

Self-sabotage

Some serial monogamists might self-sabotage perfectly good relationships because the stability feels uncomfortable to them. In this case, you might feel bored or restless in steady relationships and prefer drama and volatility over stability.

Black-and-white thinking

Black-and-white thinking in relationships is when someone either thinks of a person as irredeemably bad or entirely perfect. This can lead to instability in relationships, especially if you break up with someone at the first sign of a flaw or fall in love with someone quickly because they seem “perfect” to them.

Perfectionism

Someone with perfectionist tendencies might abandon relationships at the first sign of difficulty or doubt and move on to the next one.

Being a serial monogamist does not necessarily mean you have a mental disorder. But the symptoms of certain mental health conditions might make someone more prone to serial monogamy and relationship instability.

Borderline personality disorder (BPD)

Not everyone with borderline personality disorder (BPD) becomes a serial monogamist, but some of the symptoms of BPD can lead to serial monogamy.

Some characteristics of BPD might cause you to feel uncomfortable single, which can lead to serial monogamy, including:

fear of abandonment
identity disturbances, including low self-image
patterns of unstable or intense relationships
black-and-white thinking
impulsivity

Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD)

Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) can lead to difficulties in relationships for some people.

One OCD theme is relationship OCD, where obsessions and compulsions can revolve around doubting your relationship or partner. People with this condition might have obsessive thoughts about whether:

you really love them
they really love you
they’re good enough for you (and vice versa)
you’re treating them right
your needs are being met fully
they will leave you or you them

This can lead to instability in relationships. In particular, you might make irrational decisions when it comes to ending and beginning relationships.

Dating one person after another is not always a problem in and of itself. But a pattern of serial monogamy can pose some issues.

Grieving previous relationships

When a relationship ends, it can be extremely hurtful. Even if your relationship ended amicably, you might find that you need time to process your feelings. After all, it is a loss.

Processing this loss is essential because it allows you to grow from the experience. You may not have ample time to fully grieve and process the loss of one relationship if you immediately become involved in another.

Not grieving or processing fully could cause emotional problems later on.

Neglecting other relationships

Serial monogamists might neglect non-romantic relationships, especially if you tend to get into many short-lived relationships.

New romantic relationships tend to be time- and energy-consuming, and this might leave little space for platonic friendships, familial relationships, and other relationships.

Masking issues

If you’re using romantic relationships to numb or mask underlying issues, it may be more challenging to work through those issues.

Giving yourself time to process feelings of loneliness and inadequacy can eventually help you deal with whatever it is that’s making you feel that way.

Unfulfilling relationships

If you feel the need to jump into relationships constantly, you might hastily commit to someone who isn’t a good fit for you, leading to an unfulfilling (or potentially damaging) relationship. You might get into toxic or abusive relationships because you’re afraid of being alone.

Learning to be alone

Learning to enjoy your solitude and singledom can be challenging but rewarding. Being single can be a great opportunity to focus your time and energy on:

goals
hobbies
non-romantic relationships
working through feelings of discomfort and loneliness

Identifying your patterns of behavior is a good first step in breaking the cycle. Being aware of your behavior and patterns in your relationships can be the key to changing them.

If you have a fear of being single, try to consider where this might come from:

What relationships did you see as examples growing up?
Do you think being single will reflect badly on you?
How do you think about your loved ones and acquaintances who are single?
How do you handle loneliness?

Therapy can be a helpful tool in breaking the cycle of serial monogamy, especially if it stems from a deep-seated issue or a mental health condition.

There’s nothing wrong with being a serial monogamist in and of itself. But sometimes, becoming stuck in a pattern of serial monogamy can be a sign of emotional difficulties or even a mental health condition.

If you think you might be a serial monogamist and want to break this pattern, many resources can help. Some areas of healing you may want to focus on might be:

learning new relational skills
setting boundaries
healthy communication
building self-esteem

Listening to podcasts like “Solo: The Single Person’s Guide To A Remarkable Life” and “A Single Thing” can be fun, beneficial pathways to learning how to love and appreciate the single life.

If you prefer reading, there are numerous books on the topic of relationships and abandonment, including:

“The Abandonment Recovery Workbook: Guidance through the Five Stages of Healing from Abandonment, Heartbreak, and Loss” by Susan Anderson
“Love Me, Don’t Leave Me: Overcoming Fear of Abandonment and Building Lasting, Loving Relationships” by Michelle Skeen
“The Unexpected Joy of Being Single: Locating Happily-Single Serenity” by Catherine Gray

Therapy can also be a very useful tool for changing relationship patterns. If you’re ready to find a therapist, you can visit Psych Central’s guide to mental health support.

Signs, Causes, & Breaking the Cycle

Published: October 3, 2022 Updated: October 11, 2022

Published: 10/03/2022 Updated: 10/11/2022

Serial monogamy is a pattern of moving from one committed partnership to another. The term can mean that this happens quickly, or it can also mean that there are substantial breaks taken between partners. In this pattern, the person has serious difficulty tolerating being single and wants relationships to move quickly into a deeper partnership.

Why are you constantly changing partners? A therapist can help you develop more lasting relationships. BetterHelp has over 20,000 licensed therapists who provide convenient and affordable online therapy. BetterHelp starts at $60 per week. Complete a brief questionnaire and get matched with the right therapist for you.

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What Is Serial Monogamy?

Serial monogamists are always in a relationship. Being single can be uncomfortable for them, and they may be hesitant to discuss their exes. They don’t often have long periods of time being single, and may not always have time to get over a previous relationship before starting a new long-term relationship.

You may be dating a serial monogamist if:

There is barely daylight between the end of one relationship and the beginning of the next
They recoil at your request that on date two you have more time to consider their demand of exclusivity
They’ve been engaged three or more times without getting married
They want you to move in on the second date and have a pattern of doing that with all of their partners
Their friends or family tell you that they are never single
They’ve been married more than a few times without losing any spouses through death

Will a Serial Monogamist Stay or Go?

What does your future hold if you are dating a serial monogamist? Of course, no one can know for sure, but these partners tend to be clingy, especially if their attachment style is anxious or preoccupied. If they don’t have a personality disorder (not to be confused with personality traits) then the relationship may last quite a while, but they are likely to be insecure and require a lot of reassurances from you.^2,3

How Serial Monogamists Act When Dating

While researchers have been busy studying the advantages of serial monogamy on individuals, their offspring and the human species at large, pop culture has tended to bash the pattern, seeing these people as fearful of being alone or single. Some call it “a half-assed way to love.”¹

Serially monogamous dating is not to be confused with hook-up culture. Friends-with-benefits or one-night-stands, where casual sexual encounters are normalized and mutually agreed upon, is not the pattern of a serial monogamist. This is serious monogamous dating, where a partner is taken home to meet the parents and discuss future plans, only to be dropped after a few months (or years) before moving on to the next person.

Why Do People Become Serial Monogamists?

Unfortunately, there has not been any research done yet on serial monogamy as a dating pattern. We do know a fair amount about the kind studied by social scientists as it relates to child-bearing.

Evolutionary Predispositions

Evolutionary psychologists tend to focus on how serial monogamy influences the survival of the species. Since many social scientists believe that lifetime monogamy is not natural for humans it makes sense that many cultures would have versions of serial monogamy.¹⁴ If, for example, a male partners with a female, produces an offspring and then after some period of time re-partners with a new female and produces another offspring he has accomplished several important evolutionary tasks. He has reproduced successfully, multiple times, and added genetic diversity to his offspring which increases the chances that one of them survives. This behavior also adds diversity to the overall human population, which increases the survival of the species as a whole. In many ways it’s a win-win, at least for the male and the species at large.⁵

Some cultural anthropologists theorize that women also benefit.⁶ “[T]here is now considerable evidence that females who mate with multiple males are more fertile and show higher offspring survival.”⁷ This may be, in part, because women can receive parenting support from more than one male which expands their resources.“[There] are indications from South American…cultures (where women have sexual relations with more than one man) that children born with ‘secondary’ fathers have higher survival rates than children born without.”⁸ In serial monogamy if women can have children with different fathers there are more adult males involved in her family system so the children can receive better care.

More Equality Between Genders

Women’s rise in social equality may have also contributed to the increase in serial monogamy in Western cultures that previously favored lifetime monogamy. Economists studying marriage patterns have noted that “serial monogamy follows from a… rise in…the proportion of rich females.”⁹ So as women have earned more they have had more freedom to leave relationships, making them available for re-partnering. This is also supported by the fact that most divorces in Western countries are instigated by women.¹⁰

Longer Lifespans

The lifespan of humans may also be at play in the frequency of serial monogamy. We live longer now than ever before and therefore may survive spouses/partners or, through life changes, determine that our current spouse/partner is no longer suitable for us.¹¹ This provides the opportunity to find another partner and start the process over again.

How Attachment Influences Serial Monogamy

Attachment theory provides insight into the pattern of serial monogamy. Ideally, children are raised in a physically and emotionally safe and secure environment, where they are made to feel loved unconditionally by their parents. ¹⁴ This requires parents to have the time and emotional bandwidth to prioritize their children’s development.

However, many children may grow up to worry that their needs can’t or won’t be met consistently. They may be preoccupied with abandonment and have unconscious, implicit expectations that partners won’t be there for them. This type of attachment pattern is known as “anxious-resistant,” “angry-resistant” or “preoccupied” attachment and can create a fixation on keeping people close.¹⁵ Many scenarios lead to these attachment patterns: Kids raised in single-parent households where mom works two jobs, or those raised in homes with active alcoholism or drug addiction are just a couple of examples of what may lead to attachment issues.

These partners tend to be clingy and insecure about their relationship status. They have trouble tending to their own distressed emotions and reflexively seek comfort in others. Consequently, they have a strong preference to be in a relationship at all times. They are more prone to this kind of “serial monogamous dating” that is talked about in popular culture and have more lifetime partners than securely attached folks.¹⁶

Find A Dating or Relationship Coach

We have coaches for exercise, dieting, and career development, why not for dating? While advice from friends can be helpful, a certified dating coach may be able to provide you with a new perspective based on their expertise in building healthy relationships. The leader in dating coaching is Relationship Hero, which has been helping people since 2017. They have a team of people that will match you with the right coach based on your goals and experiences. Find A Dating Or Relationship Coach

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Mental Health Concerns Associated With Serial Monogamy

Disturbed attachment is not the only route to a revolving-door love life. Other psychiatric problems like borderline personality disorder or narcissistic personality disorder can make a person vulnerable to chronically needing high levels of support and attention.¹⁷ People with borderline personality disorder also have fears of abandonment and tend to feel empty inside.¹⁸ They use interactions with others, especially the intense kind you can get from committed partnerships, to help them feel alive.¹²

People with narcissistic personality disorder also lack a deep sense of self, although they tend to be less aware of this. What they are acutely aware of is wanting to be surrounded by people who praise them and fawn over them. Much like people with borderline personality disorder, they tend to want to be in romantic relationships persistently.

Changing the Pattern of Serial Monogamy

If all of this has hit a bit too close to home, and you are wondering if you are a serial monogamist dater, there is hope. People can change. It won’t happen without effort, but if you can learn to slow down and develop the skills to emotionally comfort yourself and tolerate being alone for periods of time, you can change the pattern.

How Therapy Can Help

Psychotherapy is a great vehicle for this and has the added benefit that you don’t have to do it by yourself. Instead of jumping into a relationship with a dating partner, consider getting into a relationship with a therapist. Being single may be easier to tolerate if you have a therapist who can listen and provide support. Therapists can teach you self-regulation skills and work on the deeper reasons for your insecurity and feelings of loneliness or emptiness.

If you’re not quite sure if this concept of serial dating monogamist fits you then talking to a therapist could help answer that question. Humans aren’t that great at seeing ourselves clearly. We all have defense mechanisms that protect us from feeling too much pain, and sometimes those defenses keep us from realizing unhealthy patterns. Getting the perspective of a professional can be a great way to double check yourself and make sure that your dating patterns are going to lead to stable relationships.

Loving-kindness Meditation

If you identify with the serial monogamy dating pattern and therapy doesn’t appeal to you then you might consider an ancient tradition that can help with feelings of loneliness or isolation. These feelings can push us into relationships prematurely and can be especially hard to tolerate. Loving-kindness meditation (LKM) has been shown to help people feel less lonely and more connected to humanity at large.¹⁹ This deeper feeling of connectedness to community can help sustain a person until they are truly ready for another romantic relationship. Interestingly the practice of LKM works even if you don’t have a social support network and/or can’t spend time with actual people.

Final Thoughts on Serial Monogamy

Since relationships are the single most important factor in happiness and so integrally tied not only to our mental health but physical health, learning how to create and maintain more healthy relationships is of vital importance. ^20,21 If you’re experiencing attachment issues, it’s important to reach out for help, whether that’s through therapy, spiritual guidance like a pastor or minister, or through a trusted friend or family member. You don’t have to struggle alone, and getting support and even guidance from another person can be the first step towards a happier and more fulfilled life.

Additional Resources

Education is just the first step on our path to improved mental health and emotional wellness. To help our readers take the next step in their journey, Choosing Therapy has partnered with leaders in mental health and wellness. Choosing Therapy may be compensated for referrals by the companies mentioned below.

BetterHelp (Online Therapy) – Dating is complicated and emotionally challenging. BetterHelp has over 20,000 licensed therapists who provide convenient and affordable online therapy. BetterHelp starts at $60 per week. Complete a brief questionnaire and get matched with the right therapist for you. Get Started

Online-Therapy.com (Online Therapy) – Are you dating someone with mental illness or addiction? Don’t face these challenges alone! The Online-Therapy.com standard plan includes a weekly 45 minute video session, unlimited text messaging between sessions, and self-guided activities like journaling. Recently, they added instructional Yoga videos. Get Started

Headspace (Meditation App) – Mindfulness and meditation can change your life. In a few minutes a day with Headspace, you can start developing mindfulness and meditation skills. Free Trial

Choosing Therapy’s Directory – Find an experienced therapist who has your best interests in mind. You can search for a therapist by specialty, availability, insurance, and affordability. Therapist profiles and introductory videos provide insight into the therapist’s personality so you find the right fit. Find a therapist today.

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For Further Reading

Mental Health America
National Alliance on Mental Health
MentalHealth.gov

21 sources

Choosing Therapy strives to provide our readers with mental health content that is accurate and actionable. We have high standards for what can be cited within our articles. Acceptable sources include government agencies, universities and colleges, scholarly journals, industry and professional associations, and other high-integrity sources of mental health journalism. Learn more by reviewing our full editorial policy.

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Mc Williams (2012). Psychoanalytic Diagnosis, Second Edition: Understanding Personality Structure in the Clinical Process. Guilford Press.
Tatkin, S. (2011). Allergic to hope: Angry resistant attachment and a one-person psychology within a two-person psychological system. Psychotherapy in Australia, Vol 18:1, 66-73.
Barash, D.P. Anand Lipton, J. E. (2002). The Myth of Monogamy: Fidelity and Infidelity in Animals and People. Henry Hold & Co. LLC.
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Mulder, M.B. (2009). Serial Monogamy as Polygyny or Polyandry? Marriage in the Tanzanian Pimbwe. Human Nature, 20:130–150. DOI 10.1007/s12110-009-9060-x.
Hrdy, SB. (1979). Infanticide among animals: A review, classification, and examination of the implications for reproductive strategies of females. Ethological Sociobiology, 1: 13–40.
Beckerman S, Valentine P, eds. (2002) Cultures of Multiple Fathers: The Theory and Practice of Partible Paternity in Lowland South America. Gainesville: University Press of Florida.
De La Croix, D. And Mariani, F. (2015). From Polygyny to Serial Monogamy: A Unified Theory of Marriage Institutions, Review of Economic Studies, 82, 565–607. doi:10.1093/restud/rdv001
Rosenfeld, M.J. (2017) Who wants the Breakup? Gender and Breakup in Heterosexual Couples. Found in: Social Networks and the Life Course: Integrating the Development of Human Lives and Social Relational Networks, Pp. 221-243 in edited by Duane F. Alwin, Diane Felmlee, and Derek Kreager: Springer.
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Baeyens, G. (1981). Functional aspects of serial monogamy: The Magpie pair-bond in relation to its territorial system. Ardea, 69(2), 145-166.
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Originally Published: February 12, 2021
Original Author: Krista Jordan, PhD
Original Reviewer: Lynn Byars, MD, MPH, FACP
Updated: October 3, 2022
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Primary Changes: Updated for readability and clarity. Reviewed and added relevant resources.

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The end of romance: what will replace marriage and monogamy

In the first months of the epidemic, a record number of divorces was recorded in China. Sociologists predict a complete restructuring of communication between people, including within the family. But in fact, these processes were launched long before the coronavirus. Let's try to figure it out - what kind of transformations of the institution of family and relationships can we expect in the future?

Are romantic relationships everything? At least the statistics of recent years hint at this. In his book Living Solo, sociologist Eric Kleinenberg says that in the United States today, about half of adults are loners. And the number of singles worldwide with only 1996 to 2006 increased by 33%. There is no reason to believe that this trend will turn in the other direction in the near future - the “traditional family” will most likely become a thing of the past more and more quickly.

But still, man is a biosocial animal, and relationships with others are important to us. Close contact with partners is what helps us produce the hormone oxytocin, which is critical for physical and mental health. So, even if a classic marriage sinks into oblivion, something must come to replace it. Let's try to figure it out - what transformations of the institution of family, relationships and sex can we expect in the future?

Serial monogamy

Evolutionary biologist Richard Dawkins, in his book The Selfish Gene, makes a lot of mathematical calculations, after which he comes to the conclusion that monogamy for humans and many closely related animal species is the most effective strategy.

But does this mean that we must “be together until death do us part”?

Of course not. "By nature" monogamy is enough for 3-4 years - to conceive, give birth and raise a child. It is this “lifespan” of monogamy that is confirmed by the studies of anthropologist Helen Fisher. She has performed MRIs of the brains of people who are in a state of acute love and those who are in longer relationships. It turned out that the work of the “reward system” of the brain, which produces dopamine, eventually ceases to be so strongly excited in response to the presence of the same partner.

In addition, studies by Finnish scientists show that women who have been in a monogamous relationship for 7 years have a much lower libido than single women and those who have recently found a new partner. Today, the average number of partners people in developed countries have is five to seven in a lifetime. At the same time, the number of marriages in almost all OECD countries is rapidly falling, the number of divorces is growing.

It can be assumed that the choice of serial monogamy - that is, changing partners every few years - will become one of the main trends in future relationships. Gradually, more people will abandon the idea of "together forever" - especially given the prospect of a radical life extension - and end the relationship as soon as they no longer give a surge of dopamine and oxytocin.

Scientific relationships

Most of us grew up under the influence of the myth of romantic love, which will overcome all obstacles and give unprecedented happiness. But there was little evidence for this - only subjective eyewitness accounts, as well as fiction in books and films.

Now, with the development of science, it has become possible to assess quite accurately - how do romantic relationships really affect the body?

For example, in this study, Australian researchers monitored the mental health of 3,820 respondents and correlated their responses with the quality of their personal relationships. It turned out - quite expectedly - that only a successful union reduces the risks of depression and anxiety.

Something else is interesting: firstly, unsuccessful relationships are more harmful for women than for men. In them, they increase the likelihood of an anxiety disorder, while they do not affect men in any way. Secondly, and most importantly, the quality of a romantic connection can be quantified - for example, using the DAS-7 questionnaire. If you score less than 25 points on it, then it is better to end such a relationship.

It seems that the time is not far off when the decision to start a relationship will be made not by the call of the heart, but by the results of tests and surveys. Take questionnaires, do a functional MRI to determine the response of your brain to a partner, take tests for oxytocin and the oxytocin receptor gene - and it will be possible with a fairly high probability to determine the outcome of your romance.

Platonic parenthood

What about children, you ask? Although fertility has long and hopelessly declined in developed - and even in some developing - countries, many people still want to become parents. But raising children alone is hard, and frequent partner changes — that same serial monogamy — increases the risk of a child’s antisocial behavior in the future. What to do?

Scientists put forward various hypotheses why serial monogamy is harmful to children. Among the leading ideas is the assumption that the child is most affected by instability. It is important for children growing up to have one or more reliable significant adults around, a stable family system, and consistent parenting rules. The constant transition of a mother or father from one relationship to another undermines this system - and this is reflected in the psyche of children.

Fortunately, people have already figured out how to solve this problem without forcing themselves to stay in unsatisfactory romantic relationships for years "for the sake of the children." The way out is platonic parenthood. This approach suggests that the birth and upbringing of children should be generally “untied” from romance: love relationships are separate, a strong union for raising a child is separate.

Already, at least 100 thousand people are registered on sites where you can find a partner in platonic parenthood. At least 100 children were born after "matches" on such sites. And the legislation of different countries is beginning to change, allowing Platonic parents to acquire joint parental rights (in some places, one child can have as many as 4 parents!).

Experts believe that these new approaches to parenting will even change urban architecture. Parents do not have to live together - they can live in some small neighborhood, such as a commune, or a townhouse, so that everyone is close enough to their common children, but at the same time they have their own personal space.

Sex is dead, long live sex

After the sexual revolution died down, interest in sex - at least real sex between people - began to decline rapidly. This is especially noticeable in the behavior of young people.

Between 1991 and 2017, the number of American schoolchildren who had already become sexually active dropped from 54% to 40%. Now in the US, people in their early 20s are 2.5 times more likely to be abstinent than their Generation X parents. In Japan, millennials also refuse to have sex - as much as a quarter of people aged 18 to 39 have never even had it! There are no such statistics for Russia yet, but sociologists confirm that this is a global trend - young generations are less and less interested in sex.

What will happen to the sexual life of mankind in the future? Toys, robots, VR porn - all this allows you to get high-quality discharge alone, without any extra effort and risk.

And the popularity of such leisure is growing. Searches for “VR porn” on PornHub, for example, grew by 440% in 2016 alone. According to 2019 data, VR porn takes a solid third place in the aggregator search.

And sex robots are becoming more personalized, learning to speak and joke, and finally, they are developing models for women. They promise that in the near future robots will become even more "human" - for example, they will begin to sweat and release lubricant. Why do you need sex with other people with such toys?

Scientists even came up with a name for such a sexual "orientation" of the future - digisexuality. A person with this "orientation" will have sex primarily or exclusively with machines. And, on the one hand, there is nothing wrong with that. On the other hand, critics believe that "digisexuality" dehumanizes sex - and this can result in a new wave of violence against people, especially women. Let us hope that good laws will save us from such a prospect.

New motivation

Previously, the main reason to enter into relationships and marriage was economic - it was easier to survive together than alone. Now this is no longer relevant. The myth of romantic love lingered for a while—but modern science has proven that, on a biochemical level, love does (most often) last three years or so. This means that today people need new reasons to enter into relationships - and new models of these same relationships.

As we have already mentioned, quality union reduces the risk of depression and anxiety. Also, people in relationships are less likely to smoke and drink - and because of this, they can end up being healthier than singles. Many people sleep better together with a partner - however, only if the woman in the couple is happy with the relationship. In the end, it's just nice!

To improve relationship satisfaction in a changing world, psychologists suggest the following strategies.

Live in different houses - that is, practice guest marriage or guest relations.
Start relationships and get married for reasons other than romantic love: friendship, co-parenting, financial stability. You can even raise children together without having sexual relations in principle.
Having non-monogamous relationships: from monogamous relationships in which flirting/kissing is allowed with others, to polygamy and polyamory.
"Allow" yourself to marry and divorce during your life, not considering divorce as a "failure".
If you are a childfree, don't force yourself to have kids just because it's "supposed" to be a "normal family". By the way, some studies show that couples without children are the happiest in relationships.

5 types of relationships for those who are not suitable for monogamy

April 21, 2020Relationships

You can always revise the rules, expand the boundaries, or even have a wedding with yourself.

There is a perception that the need to mate for life is just a social construct created during the transition from hunting and gathering to farming. And by nature, we strive to spread our genes as actively as possible. The more partners, the more genetic diversity and "sperm wars", which means that the species as a whole is stronger.

On the other hand, even with animals, it's not just about sex. Pregnant females and offspring need to be taken care of, and here there is a need for partner support: after all, someone has to bring food and building materials for the nest. Some species stay together for a very short time, and some, such as swans, cannot live without each other.

As for people, it's hard to say for sure ^{Robert Martin, “How we do it. The evolution and future of human reproductive behavior”, whether we have an innate tendency to polygamy or monogamy. After all, we are biosocial beings.}

Our wants and needs are a complex conglomeration of evolutionary goals, natural temperaments, emotional characteristics, cultural attitudes, and personal principles.

In practice, monogamy suits some, but makes others unhappy. Only you can choose how to build relationships. Here are a few alternatives to try (with the consent of other stakeholders, of course).

1. Polygamy

In polygamy, one of the partners is in a relationship with several people.

Polygamous marriages, namely polygamy (polygyny), are practiced in various cultures, for example, in Muslim, as well as in some African societies. Polyandry (polyandry) is less common, but it also exists among national minorities that preserve traditions. For example, the Tibetans of Nepal ^{Researching Gender-Role Ideologies Internationally and Cross-Culturally and some tribes in India ^{P. K. Mohanty. Encyclopaedia of Scheduled Tribes in India.}}

From adultery, in which one of the spouses has other relationships or a secret second family, polygamy is distinguished by openness, public approval and regulation.

A man in a polygynous marriage is expected to take care of his wives and be faithful to them. There is no provision for promiscuity. The fantasy "if I were a sultan" has its downside - obligations. Many researchers consider ^{Bruce M. Metzger. The Oxford Companion to the Bible (Oxford Companions) wealth is a prerequisite for polygamy.}

As a rule, polygamy is closely associated with certain religious and national traditions of a particular society, so it is recommended only to those who feel their connection with a particular tradition as a possible format of relations. It is usually about marriage. In the secular version, romantic and sexual relationships with multiple people would be more of an open marriage or polyamory.

It is also important to note that classical polygamy involves an imbalance of opportunities. Someone alone, usually a man, possesses b to more rights. He may have several wives, while they are expected to be committed only to the husband.

2. Polyamory

In modern Western culture, the romantic idea that everyone is destined for their soulmate is popular. And serial monogamy, consisting of cycles of falling in love - exclusive relationship - parting, becomes a way to find this soul mate. At the same time, a new love or a strong attraction to someone on the side usually means either the collapse of intimacy, or a life of lies and suffering.

However, is it necessary to part ways with a loved one if you develop romantic feelings for someone else? Proponents of polyamory say no.

In terms of polyamory, it is legal to love more than one person. The main condition is transparency, that is, the consent and approval of all participants.

If a person wants to maintain the principles of polyamory without turning his behavior into ordinary cheating, he informs the potential partner about this approach in advance. If new variables appear in a relationship that was previously exclusive, this should also be said.

More than two people are involved in a polyamorous relationship, but how they are related to each other depends on the individual case. For example, Person A may be in a sexual and romantic relationship with Persons B and C. In this case, B and C are aware of each other's existence, but there is nothing between them. It is also possible that B and C have a connection with each other. Or there is a separate partner.

It is difficult to list all possible variations. The main principle is the awareness of all participants.

3. Open relationship

This is a union between two people who remain a permanent couple, but at the same time allow the possibility of sexual relations with others.

An open relationship differs from polyamory in that in this case there is a main couple who may not let their other partners know about all the details.

Another possible difference is attitudes about romantic feelings. As a rule, members of a couple do not consider it possible to fall in love with someone else, otherwise such a relationship will already become polyamorous.

An open relationship can be established from the beginning, even at the stage when two people begin to meet and discuss things that are important to them. Someone, on the contrary, decides to switch to such a format after many years of a monogamous marriage. This gives such couples the opportunity to get new sexual sensations without giving up a permanent partner or family. At the same time, two people continue to maintain a priority emotional attachment to each other.

4. Friendship with privileges

A slightly clumsy translation of friendship with benefits describes a situation that can also be described as "friendship".

Such relationships simply do not contain a romantic component and do not imply the creation of a family. Such people do everything that ordinary friends do, they just have sex.

The expression "relationship without obligation" is also sometimes used, but it must be understood correctly. Actually, we have quite a lot of obligations to our friends: to support them in difficult situations, to trust, to be honest. Even if there is a sexual component in friendships, these things do not go away. However, lovers-friends do not have the same obligations that couples have, and the boundaries in friendship are usually stricter.

Such relationships are suitable for those who know how to share sex and romantic feelings. However, they assume a certain risk: if one is more emotional than the other, there will be trouble.

5. Loneliness, or sologamy

Loneliness has a bad reputation, and many consider it their main fear. However, suffering from loneliness and being alone are not at all the same thing. Feeling unwanted and not feeling connected to another person can be both in marriage and with a bunch of sexual partners. Whereas loneliness gives a lot of freedom for self-development, allowing you to do exactly what you want.

In this case, your personal space, material resources and time belong only to you.

Remember, the main character of the film “Girls” said: “I decided not to get married at all. One is calmer. I want to eat halva, I want gingerbread. " Considering how often domestic disagreements become a problem, this does not sound so naive.

If you feel good alone, the only thing that can prevent you from enjoying this state is public opinion. However, sociologists are increasingly pointing out ^{Bella Depaulo. Singled out, that loneliness today is no longer treated with prejudice. There was even such a phenomenon ^{I married myself as sologamy - marriage with oneself. If you don’t put a stamp in your passport, you can arrange a holiday and take an oath to yourself, as thousands of people around the world have already done ^{Why growing numbers are saying ‘yes’ to themselves.}}}

However, it is not at all necessary to arrange such public performances. To become a conscious loner, it is enough to simply abandon the mindset of finding and building new relationships. At least until you change your mind (it might never happen, but so what?).

Loneliness does not necessarily equal asexuality. The people who choose it can go on dates and have sex, they just do not strive to build relationships and create a family. If you are an ideological loner, it is better to honestly warn people with whom you are planning something, so as not to hurt other people's feelings.

Results

Polygamy — the “head of the family” has several wives or husbands, depending on gender. It is practiced mainly in traditional cultures.
Polyamory - more than two people are in a romantic and sexual relationship. Relations are equal, everyone is aware of this state of affairs and approves of it.
Open relationship - each in a couple with the approval of the partner can have sexual relations with someone else.
Friendship with privileges is the same as ordinary friendship. Only with sex.
Ideological loneliness, or sologamy — conscious rejection of romantic and sometimes sexual relationships.

Monogamous marriage is not a wedge. But building a harmonious relationship even with one person is not so easy.

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